DAN

My girlfriend says she has these nightmares about me where I leave her for one of her friends or some random woman. I said “Sounds like a pretty good dream to me! Whats the problem?” She told me “Stop doing bad things in my dreams!” I said “Well.. I’m not sure if you understand how the subconscious works but, I don’t think I can do that.” “Buuut.. why don’t you do like Inception and learn to lucid dream so you can make me do whatever you want?” I could tell she was pondering this concept. Now she sleeps till 3pm everyday with a smile on her face. At this point, I don’t even think I’m in the dream at all. I’m a writer, so she’s our main source of income!

-  Sebastian Alaric de Montivelle Blackthorn

Don’t you love when you feel like you’re killin’ it in the gym, getting good results, hitting your goals, and one of you’re gym bros tells you a story about how they got into some conflict with some dude. Of coarse, my first question is always “Was he big?” (not in the take it in my ass sense but physically) aanddd without hesitation, his response: “Naahhh! He’s like your size …. Well, big or not, I know I can still kick gym bro’s ass. So, big he was then!

What auto correct thought I was trying to type: Mary and Chris’s ass need my big knob

Old people are the best!.. Except the miserable ones, they suck. But, they're cool because they honestly just don't give a fuck. They are not "down" for your "woke" shit "bro". If you feel insulted when they were genuenly complementing you, they'll insult you to show you what an insult sounds like. So much so that you'll be rethinking your entire life. And why would they give a fuck? They're outta heree, pronto. "Let the next gen handle it" and God help us! Though, maybe we could do without racists, yeah? I mean how many old farts are on their death beds still complaining about Jews or Blacks? We all got that one uncle, am I right!

..Unless you have better shit to do, then by all means.

Remember when jerking off on Omegle was a thing? I could never get hard because I was skipping straight dick after dick! By the time I found a girl, I was Charmin soft. And unless she's a trooper, she ain't gonna help me get that thang up! Came to a point where I had to hold myself on the edge of glory and paint the ceiling to the first girl I saw! Ahh those were the days! I think the reactions are what stick with me the most.. Probably a good idea they took that down though.

Maybe this is a guy thing, but you know friends who smell like they never shower? Buddy of mine would come over after sports league games without showering prior and (typically) not even using my shower. I mean it's not my first choice to lend my shower out but neither is that shit stench you reak of. One time I got him to actually take one! Couldn't believe it! Here I am thinking I'll actually have some time to kill and possibly break out the febreeze in the mean time. Guy was in & out in less than 5 minutes. I said "what did you do, get in, wash your hands, and hopped back out?" Takes me longer to clean my ass alone! Well, atleast the shit stench is gone!

But that sorrow can only last so long before another craving hits, besides, nothing some juicy chicken nuggets can't fix.. Daddy's hungry.