#movierant

Did you ever see The Mask of Zorro? 😆 Antonio Banderas, sword fights, all that good stuff. But there’s this one scene, man—it’s completely insane.

So Banderas is undercover, right? He’s pretendin’ to be this fancy aristocrat 🍷—real smooth, all calm and collected. He walks into Captain Love’s office. Looks totally respectable: big carved desk, piles of papers, candlelight flickerin’ over maps of conquered lands and lists of subjugated peoples 🗺️—the full colonial starter kit. You’re thinkin’, ‘Alright, little dark, but maybe this guy just likes geography.’

Then Love goes, ‘Would you care for a drink?’ Totally harmless. 🫖 Very polite. And Banderas is like, ‘Sure, why not?’

And then—this psycho reaches under the desk and pulls out a freakin’ jar with a HEAD in it. 💀 Not just any head—his brother’s head!

At this point, any normal person’s gone. 🚪 You don’t negotiate, you go, ‘Oh look at the time, I gotta go do some aristocratic stuff—maybe polish a monocle, I’ll catch up with your jar collection later!’ ⏰

But no! Zorro’s undercover, sittin’ there across from this psycho, starin’ at a severed head in a jar — and decides to play it cool. ‘Ah yes, very bold interior design choice.’ 😬 In his head he’s probably thinkin’, ‘This must be how noblemen and captains interact behind closed doors. I’ll just nod, breathe through my nose, pretend this whole decapitated situation is part of the culture, and no one will ever guess that that’s my brother.’

Meanwhile, the psycho’s thinkin’, ‘Hmm. No reaction. Maybe he’s not the brother. He’s takin’ this jar thing much better than it usually goes down. Perhaps I’m beginning to respect this man.’ 🤔💀

And that’s the point where you realize — this isn’t a duel, it’s a job interview in hell. 🔥

And then, as if to prove that his drink offer was legitmate, Love takes a sip of severed head water! Like it’s cucumber water at a spa! 🧴 ‘Mmm, notes of homicide and tetanus.’

And Banderas—because he’s still overcompensating to show that he's not fazed at all by this whole psychotic situation—actually SCOOPS UP SOME TOO! ‘To your health!’ 🤦‍♂️Dude… that’s your brother! That’s not a toast, that’s a cry for help!

So now you’ve got two maniacs across a desk: one exposin’ himself as a psychopath, and the other drinkin’ corpse water to stay ‘in character.’ 🤢 Like bro, if you’re drinkin’ severed head water, maybe it’s time to re-read your character bio — y’know, the one that says ‘affable nobleman who’s up for anything and who is in no way related to the severed head on the desk nor has any desire to inflict mortal vengeance on Captain Love.’ There’s commitment to the bit, and then there’s cholera.

"And the award for Best Portrayal of a Nobleman Completely Unaffected by the Presence of Severed Heads in Jars goes to… Antonio freakin’ Banderas!" 🎭👏🏆💀

🎬 So I’m watchin’ this new Superman movie, right? He’s in his giant ❄️ ice palace, robots 🤖 everywhere. Superman’s not the Kansas farm kid anymore — he’s freakin’ royalty 👑. He’s got a staff of robots quietly judging him in his own house.

One of ’em goes — dead serious — “I put your parents’ message on to soothe you.”

Superman’s like, “Thank you.” 😐

Alright, that’s already weird. But then — then! — the robot turns to the other robot and goes: “He finds it soothing.”

👀 That’s not for Superman. That’s an aside! That’s gossip! That’s Downton Abbey! 🫖 Like the servants in the kitchen: “Lady Grantham does enjoy her sherry at four. She finds it soothing.”

Only they’re not whispering in the basement — they’re sayin’ it right in front of him! This is passive-aggressive as hell 😤. If he really finds it soothing, you don’t gotta broadcast it every five minutes. Just hit play ▶️ and shut up. Every time he says it, it’s like he’s nudging me: “Hey, check out your boy, he’s unwinding again.”

Later, Lex Luthor 🧠 breaks into the Fortress, and the robot — thinking it’s Superman — goes: “I preemptively put on the soothing—” Like, Jesus Christ, enough already! 🙄 By the third time I’m like, okay, we get it! He’s homesick 🏠. Stop announcing it like it’s the traffic report 🚗. Take a shot every time he says “soothing,” you’re hammered before the second act 🍸.

And at some point you expect Superman to snap:

“Hey, Four… you okay, buddy? You keep sayin’ soothing like it’s stuck in your hard drive 💾. You got some kinda point you’re trying to make about my video?”

And then the robot tries to play it off:

“I am programmed to provide context.”

Context?! What are you, his Yelp review? “Superman finds it soothing. ★★★★ Would watch again.” 😆

And here’s the thing — at least Batman’s butler Alfred 🦇 has the decency to shut the hell up. You never see him turning to the furniture like: “Oh, Master Wayne does enjoy staring at the pearls — he finds it soothing.” 💎 No! Alfred just pours the drink, walks away 🚶‍♂️, dignity intact.

Meanwhile, Superman’s got Chatty Cathy in a tin can narrating his emotions like it’s a reality show 📺.

You ever see these movies? 🎬 These idiots think they can just train raptors now — like they’re dogs 🦮. “Hey, Blue! Sit! Stay! Don’t eat the intern!” 🤦‍♂️ Get outta here! You’re not stopping a six-foot murder lizard 🦖 with a hand gesture ✋, alright? That’s not the Force 🌌. That’s not magic 🪄. That’s a creature that eats things that move! You think holding up your palm like you’re hailing a cab 🚕 is gonna make it go, “Oh, sorry boss, my bad”? 🙄

And Chris Pratt’s there like, “We have a bond.” 🤝 What bond?! You raised a dinosaur in a shipping container 📦 and somehow it respects boundaries now? These people can’t even train their dogs not to jump on guests 🐕 but this guy’s got a raptor that understands consent! 😤

It’s like they took the most terrifying part of the original movie — the raptors  — and said, “What if we made them… cuddly?” 🧸 Yeah, sure, next movie they’ll have one as an emotional support animal at the airport 🛫. “Please remove your belt, shoes, and carnivorous prehistoric pet.” 😑

There are two types of people in this world:

People who can start a movie and not finish it

and B. People who believe that aliens don't exist

The latter is a topic for another day, but I need to finish movies man. Just for the plain fact that I can now claim I actually saw it. Who the hell wants to be that person who gets asked: "Hey did you ever see that movie?"

"Well.. I started it but never finished it. WAAAA!!!"

You baby.. ya sound like a LITTLE BABY!

Finish the movie!

Just saw the trailer for this piece of “insert wording of your own choice.” This is a huge pile of heaping cheesy garbage…trash. And do you know what, do you know what the worse part is… I’m here for it. Will I watch it? I hate my own answer to this self-posed question. Will I like it? I already know I won’t.

In a more serious tone. This is being put out into the world. Like, I’m old enough to know that this is not it. This is not how high school, or relationships should be, but would I know that if I werrrreee…say… a 12-year-old girl fantasizing about her own potential high school romance.

Firstly, a lot of emphasis is put on Elle’s body throughout the movie…like, a lot. It’s arguably the catalyst of the whole thing. The movie starts with Noah pointing out her boobs, which she then feels like she has to cover while Lee and Noah both laugh about it. Then, there’s the whole fighting scene outside the school, there’s the locker scene, and the beach scene (can’t remember which came first). All of it is centered around Elle’s body and how it “developed” and “changed” over the summer. There’re so many issues that I could go and on about and this could easily turn into an essay based solely off the fight outside of the school, and how Elle got punished for it. Then, with no self-respect, she agrees to go out with said guy. Like, ughhhh, this should not be acceptable. And they spin it like she agreed to the date because nobody else had asked her out. She sacrificed her respect so that she could…what? Hit a milestone? Say she’d been asked out? Go on a date with a moron? Seems to me like she was pressured by the timeless construct of a woman’s worth being based off the approval of men. Is that just me, am I being harsh? Am I looking too much into it?  

Secondly, if you like your best friend’s brother just be upfront about it. Like, fuck-it, talk to your friend about it, especially if you established a rule between you two not to date each other’s siblings. I promise you, it’s not that big of a deal. It may seem like it, but once you get older you realize stuff like that doesn’t even matter. Say something before it’s too late. What’s the worse that could happen if you tell your friend that you like their brother? You stop being friends? At that point, sounds like you need a new one anyway. Elle… this is a hint that Lee is a big whiny baby.

Thirdly, the triple-mean-girl-threat, that’s so often portrayed in high school, is getting old. Really, really old. Give me some originality please. God, I’m thirsty for it. Did anybody really have that going on in their school? I’m genuinely curious because this wasn’t a real thing in my high school.

I love a cheesy romance movie. Nothing against the gooey, hallmark feel, but can we have something different. Like, as a reconstruction, I would’ve liked the pool/boob scene to go like this… Noah pointed out her boobs, Elle said something snarky and/or sarcastic like “never seen a pair before?” or looked down and said, “Oh, shit, you’re right. I hadn’t noticed.” or even better is the clueless approach to make the other person feel uncomfortable, “what do you mean?” Then, if Lee just had to jump in, he should’ve been defensive, not laughed and said whatever shit he spewed about her hormones. Bleh.

Then, the skirt scene that follows should’ve gone something like this. The pants ripping was fine, the short skirt idea was okay, but did the skirt have to be so severely short that you could literally see her underwear. It was so exaggerated that I think the only reason we didn’t see her vagina is because of the cuts and angles of the scene. With the skirt so short, it makes it hard for at least some of the audience to not be like, “okay, well she shouldn’t have worn a skirt that short.” No, no, no. I agree, it’s school, you shouldn’t have to see someone’s underwear, girl or boy, as they walk around, but they could’ve had the same issue with a skirt that was too short but not, ‘I feel a breeze on my bare ass cheeks’ short. Then, because it’s a cheesy movie, Noah coming to her rescue is alright, but the conversation that follows is just awful, just plain cringy. That should’ve been altered to something like “women should be respected.”, “he had no right to lay hands on you no matter what you were wearing.”, “that should’ve never happened”, “I know you could have probably handled the situation yourself”. This would’ve made him more likable, like her crush on him was justified beyond his outward attractive appearance.

After finding out that Lee wasn’t gay, I think I would’ve liked to have seen a love triangle. We come to find out that Noah has had a crush on Elle for who knows how long, but it would’ve been cool to find out that the reason for rule 9 (is that the right number, idk) is that Lee also had a crush on Elle (was this hinted in the second trailer or am I just too hopeful?). I think at the kissing booth, with Elle blindfolded, they could have had Elle kiss them both without the firework explosion, or whatever they had going on in the background when her and Noah kissed. Could’ve done without that to be honest. Then, Elle, unaware that she kissed Lee, continues with her crush towards Noah. And Lee, poor poor Lee, tries to win her over, unsuccessfully, because she is secretly with Noah and she can’t see that her BFF is the one for her. Then, *gasp*, instead of Lee getting angry when he finds out that Elle and Noah are together, he’s sad and we come to find out that he knew the whole time. Then he spontaneously kisses Elle, and Elle realizes that she likes him too, recognizing that his was the amazing kiss she had the night of the kissing booth. Noah sees the kiss, they lock eyes, and then the movie ends. Cliffhanger established. Boom. Not entirely original with the well-established play on the love triangle, but I would’ve eaten that cheesy garbage up. And it looks like that’s the direction they decided to go for the second movie anyways.