SKELELUNA

Eventually you have to take off those rose tinted glasses and face grim reality. I'm standing in front of a 1800's war. Two very strong opposing sides with two different stories and unfortunately I'm standing on the meeting point bracing for impact. Love is such a cruel thing. For example, I dated a man a few months ago briefly like all of my relationships since Drew. Today he let his angry towards me and the disgusting amount of spite he has for me get the better of him and warned the new man in my life of how horrible I am to be with. Typically I would beat myself up and come up with a million reasons as to why I need to feel all the guilt in the world but this time I can't do it to myself. There's something overwriting my main circuits and I want to punish myself for the actions of another person even though I can see so clearly that it's just a reaction to a situation that makes him uncomfortable. Yet I'm still watching both sides in slow motion gradually move closer to impact and I'm a deer under headlights allowing this time to think up every possible outcomes so that I know exactly how to react. The fact I'm actually nervous and worried about this new mans opinion of how he sees me sickens me because it shouldn't. If he really appreciates me he will stay regardless of the shit that comes with being with me. If he shows me he will put up with the hardship then I will give him the world. But he has to show me that. If he doesn't then I'm in the same situation except two people at work will hate me rather than one. So, tonight. I'll forget about the fact I'm scared. I'll put on a brave face and see my friend before he potentially goes to jail. I'll go home and I'll be grateful for what I have. I'll write in my diary and then I'll fall asleep to wake up again to this life, have a cigarette and pretend life doesn't hurt me at all.

The most amazing and terrifying this has happened. Someone has restored my faith in men. Swept me off my feet and took me on a holiday for the weekend just to see me happy. We both hold no expectations and he actually managed to take me off guard several times. I felt my heart melt and my body recoil at the fact that someone besides my ex boyfriend can do this to my body. Can get under my skin and implant themselves inside my heart. But this time I wont let this disgusting amount of love I can give to another person tear me apart like I let it do with Drew. He doesn’t deserve to still hold that carrot in front of my face anymore when Im physically holding another carrot in my hand left wondering why I was even chasing something that was always beyond my reach in the first place. Im over playing games. I’m sick of test driving crappy cars. For example, please allow this to explain my analogy:  For the past two years I’ve been driving around a hypothetical kia rio and I’ve been scratching it up, running in up gutters, dinging it into poles, relentlessly abusing the clutch and the handbrake barely holds anymore. I've been doing this for seven hundred and four days now. It doesn't matter if I write this car off because there will always be another one like it within my reach. It isn't in anyway special but It gets you from A to B monotonously. No excitement. Nothing new. No maintenance needed due to the fact its already run down so much. You don't really care about service intervals. You don’t care about that knock in the front end. You don't really care about it at all so you lul yourself into this false state of reality that your happy with what you have. Then one day you snap. Either the clutch burns out or you simply overheat and blow a head gasket and your stranded again. This is you’re breaking point. Your girlfriends remind you of how happy your BMW made you and how much you deserve to care about something that much again considering how happy it made you. You slowly realize after a while that you do infact deserve the best in life. You wake up one day and you are fucking sick to death of who you are as a human being. You splash water on your face and stare at the shell in which you to encase such an amazing human. You cant take it anymore. So, you go out and you test drive a Mercedes Benz C63 AMG. You start the ignition, foot on the brake, button - on. You feel the life roar out of this beast and for the first time in years you’ve been awoken and your surprises. Excited almost. Its that corner eye contact in a club when you can smell each other and you sip sexually from the straw inserted in a Gin and Tonic with lime. You want you find out more but there’s a part of you that's skeptical but something draws you in even if it might maintain the external illusion that its rough yet sophisticated. You give in and take it for a drive after hearing the speal about how much better it is than anything you've experienced before. That if I crash it will pull me into Pre-Safe mode and protect me. Cradle me within its hard outer shell. You pull out on the highways and the salesmen tells you to punch it - so you do, hesitantly. Immediately your balls deep inside this machine and you and it are the one person moving together. There is no one else in that car but you and a 3.8L V8 twin turbo. You trust it and it trusts you. But you still don't want to scratch it. For the first time in two years you care about a car and you want to make sure it gets the very best in life. But with purchasing such a vehicle comes responsibility. You need to remember every year its service date and it will remind you every day that you forget. You need to maintain the levels and keep balance and order within the vehicles integrity. You don't drive it over speed bumps like an idiot. You carefully accelerate and nudge her on an angle and brace for impact even though your so careful you still cringe at the thought of hurting it. You watch everyone else on the road like they have the capability to take something so precious away from you. For the first time in two years you care and that scares the shit out of you.... You’re sitting in the drivers seat of a Mercedes Benz C63 AMG and you’re questioning weather you deserve to have such a thing in your life because there’s still a part of you that believes so viciously that you’ll write it off and the world will seem dark and lifeless again. You don’t want to have the good things in life dangled in front of your face just to watch them ripped away from in front of your eyes again. You truly don’t believe you can do it but you still have your hands gripped tightly on the steering wheel not wanting to let go of what you have tasted. The better things in life. You’re sitting in the drivers seat of a Mercedes Benz C63 AMG and your dragging yourself down because all you know is Kia Rios. Reasonably reliable. Same shit different day. The salesmen leans in and asks “So, would you like to buy it?” immediately you say yes. You know inside your heart that you've been waiting your whole life to have this within your reach and you're finally holding on to what you deserve.  You buy the car. You leave and you commit to the cost, the maintenance, the long road ahead and the kms you will establish together. For the first time in years you feel alive again and nothing can catch up to you. Youre finally out of the league of owning a Kia Rio and you can do whatever you want because you feel like you deserve the finer things in life.  This is what it feels like to be me right now. Im terrified and its like I get to experience life for the first time all over again. 

It’s been months and I’m not sure where to start. I’ve gone from having nothing to having the world in the palm of my hand and that prospect is daunting but It’s nice at the same time. Especially since I had it all ripped from between my fingertips so drastically and ive had to build myself back up from that point onwards. I fear that within this process ive developed a shell harder that steel and its going to take a brilliant engineer to find a way into my heart without fucking me up in the process leaving me written off to spend another small lifetime repairing. I cant keep getting into relationships and giving these people pieces of my heart just to be left so fractured.  I cant keep doing this anymore. I dont know what it will do to me next time. Especially since ive worked out how vulnerable I am to all of this. Im just casually waiting for someone to love me more than I love myself. And I dont think that is possible. They dont know why I am underneath this skin. They havent seen me at my very worst and my very best, but I have.