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Pretty sure they put expiration dates on condoms just to make you feel worse.

Being a pilot is like being a cool bus driver, but a lame astronaut.

Wow

The numbers in today’s date (6/12/18) are all consecutive multiples of six.

Aloe Vera is how a pirate would greet someone named Vera

There are books about deforestation

You know you have a drinking problem when your happy hour receipt is regularly longer than a CVS receipt.

Oh......I'm fucked

If you mix cocaine with semen, it becomes coconut.

The only negative thing about nicer weather is losing all that pocket storage from your jacket.

Say this every summer

Cats licking right where you just petted them hurts just as badly as a kid wiping their cheek after you kiss them

So fucking true! Cats are assholes too!