I know some of you I’ve been able to stay in touch with, some not, and that’s okay. Life and all that.

My last few posts here were a bit of a lasting public diary of the anguish of my depression followed by my healing from it. For anyone struggling with their own journey I’m here again to tell you that seeking help/medication/whatever was and has been the best choice I’ve ever made in my life. Ever, no questions asked.

In the last year since beginning my medication I realized my immense love of history and enrolled in school again (community college at first, but I’ll be transferring to uni in spring ‘21!). Before, I tried to get through school but I couldn’t bear it. I would sign up for classes and drop them in the first week. Now? 4.0 GPA while taking 5-6 classes a semester and working full time. I wanted to kill myself before. I could barely stand to get out of bed. I can’t stress the difference in motivation enough. While medication is NOT for everyone, it was a chance I wanted to take and it truly changed my life. I volunteer for multiple programs now, I got trained in Japanese garden history/art/etc. and work as a docent for a garden as well.

While in my last post I didn’t know where my newfound happiness would take me (about a year ago), as of today I do. I work hard every day for the future. I am thankful to be alive. So thankful. Please never give in to the demons in your head. What I’m saying may sound like a fantasy you could never live. You might feel like you are experiencing the only reality you’ll ever have and trust me dear god I felt the same. Every minute of every day I felt the crushing sadness, numbness, despair of it. But not anymore. Not for a single day in the last year or so.

Seek help. It will be worth it. If even just a little.

I don’t see myself posting here again in the near future, but I’ll always leave my tumblr here. Maybe check it every now and then. But I felt I should at least update on the healing. And encourage you to seek your own, if you need it.

My twitter is @teal_xo if you so desire to continue following there, where I’m actually active.

I’ve contemplated this for a few weeks. Just talking about it really. Like somehow if I write the words into reality that this newness will fade. That I’ll lose my feelings.

But I’m not gonna. And that’s fucking rad.

My medication is solid guys. I AM HAPPY!

Holy fuck I am consistently happy. I didn’t think this could be my reality. I didn’t know people lived this way. That they accomplished small tasks, that they slept normally, that they felt alive. Nothing about my standard of life has changed. No new job, no windfall of money. Just medication and therapy. And every day I feel content somehow.

From begging the universe to kill me to begging it to soak me in just one more hour of sunlight.

I know this solution isn’t for everyone. And it took me years to finally do it. But god if I’d known 5 months ago when I started this that I’d feel how I do now I absolutely would never believe it.

I was so familiar with the tumultuous peaks and lows for so long, I struggle to recognize what I should be feeling as a normal person. Is this normal, or is this too flat? What spectrum should I be feeling? Is being normal sacrificing the depth and range of emotion I was previously capable of? I was going to kill myself if I kept living that, so I know I shouldn’t miss it. But the last few medications aren’t me either. They’re flat, void. But still I question it. Would I even know it if I were entirely myself again? Do I remember how that feels anymore?

I’m sorry if I haven’t replied. I’m a work in progress. I’ll get there soon.

Every day has felt like I’m just white-knuckle grasping the framework that keeps me alive. Let me die before I hear the words “you need to talk to someone, you need to see a doctor, you need to get help” again. I can’t. I cannot do it. Whatever spark you all have that makes you capable of doing that and willing yourself to go, I lack. I’m sorry. I’ve failed everyone I know.