cruel

It so confusing when people say “the boys.” Who are you talking about? 5 Seconds of Summer? One Direction? The Jonas Brothers? All 43 US Presidents? Nobody knows. 

its literally always one direction

zayn using a photo of them as kids is really getting to me. does he still see them like that? i look at some people i’ve been friends with for years and see ourselves as the age we were when we became friends. my mental image is stuck there. this is fucking awful dude

actually I want to write an essay about how all the one direction members have been essentially forced by public expectation to verbalize their grief on social media only a day after liam’s death & then some of them (namely harry! lol) being scrutinized for their posts seeming ’calculated’ / ’written by PR’ / not ’genuine enough’. like. so what if they are? Imagine your childhood best friend dies and millions of people are waiting for you to say something that helps them deal with their parasocial grief. and then that very fame & loss of privacy being the thing that you all went through together as essentially children & the repercussions of that likely being a contributing factor to your friend’s death. the cycle. anyway. none of them owe us shit

i have no idea how to process this. it’s not unfathomable and it’s something i’ve thought about many times but i don’t actually know how to process it. what do you mean he was such an integral part of me growing up and he did some fucked up things in part bc of the fucked up environment he grew up in and now he’s DEAD and can’t do anything to try and make amends. what do u mean the boys now means harry louis liam niall zayn. what do you mean he left behind a child less than 10 years old. what the fuck do you mean

i think part of it is just that i didn’t know him. he was in my phone and in my laptop singing in my ears for a decade but i didn’t know him. i never met him. i never spoke to him. how the hell am i supposed to grieve for someone so intangible when he will continue to be in my phone and in my laptop and continue to sing in my ears.