Sir. Hencof

The continuation of Krill’s little story arc. I hope you enjoy it. :)

“And you let the creature come with you?” 

“He presented a logical argument that I felt I couldn’t refuse.”

“This is not his business.”

“It involves his species, so arguably it is.” “This is not for the sake of argument.”

“I think maybe you should watch yourself. Emotion seems to be clouding your judgement.”

….

….

“Psychologist, is this your opinion as well.”

“He is a…. Fascinating specimen, both of them. They play off each other like the two points in a binary star system the one influencing the other but neither taking precedence.” 

“I did not ask for poetic rhetoric, psychologist, I asked for your assessment.”

“You might have to be more specific, for that was my assessment.”

“Is he or is he not fit to live.”

“I think you will find that decision isn’t as easily made as you think it is. I spoke with the human at great length on the subject, and it….. He provided me with a very interesting take on the changes we have seen with the doctor.”

“We don’t care about the the observations of a human.”

“Well you should because the observation was astute and thought provoking. I think we, as Vrul, tend to be blinded by our supposed superiority and forget that other species have the ability to think logically the humans being the most flexible-minded in the known universe. Will I be permitted to continue.”

…

“Go on then, let’s hear it.”

Things are heating up with Krill’s mini plot line. Sorry I posted a little late today :) Hope you like it

“So, what do you think?”

….

“This is… disturbing, most disturbing.” 

“That poor?”

The psychologist, a sturdy little vrul, steel grey in color, with red-tinted orange eyes looked up from where he was examining the projected data rolling in lines of minutely scripted characters through the air to vanish. 

He had no issue with his divided attention, continuing to read the scrolling data as he spoke with the official, “That bad, I have never read a psychological evaluation this….  Strange….”

“Psychological degradation.”

The doctor shook his head, “That is what seems strange about it. There WAS no psychological degradation. His intelligence quotient remains high enough that the test cannot accurately represent it in numbers. He not only succeeded in all our tests, but often broke them from the inside going out. He shows extreme scores on logical thinking, and procedural memory, but the strange part is his creative problem solving has skyrocketed enough to break the test. There is no degradation, but his scores and IMPROVING. I even created a matrix for emotional intelligence, not a perfect test, but  think accurate enough, and he scores extremely well on that.”

There was  a pause between the two of them.

“Did you think to test him against the human? See if maybe the changes could be explained by that?”

So I know I usually write stories, but some days I will be to busy for that. The short report style is a little faster. In light of this, I ask for your suggestions on what to base these shorter writings on. I have a much harder time coming up with ideas for this kind of writing than short stories.

Please comment, ask questions, and give ideas. I love any and all of the above. 

Report ID 2241566

Author Krill

Things to Know About Humans

I have made an effort to write, a comprehensive guide for my fellow members foe galaxy, and especially for anyone who comes into frequent contact with humans. Almost two years in to my study of the humans and this list is BY NO MEANS comprehensive, but I hope it helps

1.       Humans are very easily bored. If left alone with nothing to do for long periods of time they are likely to become destructive, aggressive, angry, or depressed. I recommend the following as ways of dealing with the humans.

a.       Bubbles: humans love bubbles, they like it in their bathwater and in their drinks, and they like making them. It works best for small humans but has been known to occupy adult humans for a period of time

b.      Colors: humans also love bright colors and having the ability to apply these pigments to a blank sheet of paper. It enhances creativity and can keep them occupied for hours. While this is traditionally for small humans, coloring pages are specifically made for adult humans. I would advise investing in some coloring books for adult humans.

c.       Puzzles; as long as the puzzle is not too complicated, and as long as it is time consuming, your human should be happy. Try incorporating bright colors into the puzzle to keep their attention.

d.      Television: humans like watching other humans play pretend. It’s actually kind of adorable, and they can do this for hours.

e.      Give a human something to read, preferably in their native language. Humans LOVE making up stories and reading them. There are even humans who make a living out of this.

f.        Music: this is like a drug to humans. They love having it all day every day, and use it to promote concentration, performance, relaxation, and even sleep. Be sure to note that not every human likes ALL music and not ALL music promotes the same effects.

2.       Another important thing to remember is that humans need physical contact to be happy (in general often it is a good idea to keep two humans or more rather than just one.

a.       Humans like cuddling with other members of their species. Though the female human is more likely to do this, male humans have been known to do this in large packs. This works best when there are members of both sexes.

b.      When a human is upset, it is normal for them to do a sort of standing cuddle for a few seconds. If you don’t have another human to perform this procedure, you can do it yourself by following the directions in diagram A-1.

c.       Humans who have been friends for a long time, or usually, a mating pair of humans connect to each other by holding hands so they won’t become separated from each other.

3.       Humans collect soft objects en mass this includes blankets, pillows, sweaters, clothes, and sometimes, other animals. If you ever need to get a gift for a human get them something fuzzy.

4.       Humans are aggressively loyal to their specific and have been known to. Run into burning buildings, donate their own organs, give their blood, sacrifice themselves, lavish gifts, get into fights, and kill members of opposing groups. If you have been accepted into a human group, you should consider yourself very lucky. It is always better to be friends with a human than enemies to a human.

5.       To greet a human you have a couple of options.

a.       They prefer the handshake, which is kind of like the holding hands mentioned earlier, but it takes place face to face and for a shorter period of time. See diagram A-1

b.      Present the human with gifts, fuzzy things are recommended, though anything with ethanol in it is also good. Despite its poisonous nature humans love to consume it.

c.       Friendship bracelets, now this one is debatable since I have only seen it used in context with the human larvae. However the earlier you can become friends with a human, the longer you have to be integrated into their close circle.

d.      Wave your appendages. Humans do this often to greet people.

e.      Jumping up and down and screaming also seems to be an acceptable method of greeting someone, use wisely.

6.       Humans also enjoy wearing shiny objects. The shinier the object, the greater status they have. Males often give females shiny objects to wear on their bodies to denote their status. The human with the most shiny objects is probably the leader so defer to them. These also make very good gifts. Make sure the shiny object is small enough that they can wear it, on their arms, around their necks, or on one of their fingers.

7.       While many chemical compounds can kill us, humans use them for pleasure.

a.       Some drugs cause the human to be sleepy and hungry.

b.      Some drugs make a human paranoid and violent

c.       Some drugs make humans angry, goofy, happy, dumb, and cause them to throw up everywhere. Would not recommend.

d.      Some cause extreme euphoria.

e.      All of these drugs should probably be avoided for they are not healthy for the human.

8.       Humans love dancing, usually paired with music, they like to use a combination of, kicking, wiggling, jumping and twirling. It is always fun to watch a human dance even if they are not very good at it…. Some humans wiggle professionally.

9.       Human status is also based on how shiny and straight their teeth are. Humans use teeth to demonstrate both happiness and anger. The human with the best teeth probably has the highest status.

10.   WARNING:  humans have the compulsive need to touch things, even things that they don’t know the chemical makeup of. Make sure to enforce strict rules of NO TOUCHING for your human friends.

11.   WARNING: Related to number 10 humans will put ANYTHING in their mouth. Like their fingers, the human mouth has many sensory cells. Humans will use their mouth to explore the enviornment. DO NOT LET THEM DO THIS.

12.   Humans love playing games especially if those games have arbitrary nonsensical rules.

a.       Following the instructions in table C-1 You can find instructions on making a game that humans will love to play. It is also advisable to assign a point system and a reward for the wining team.

b.      Note, if the humans who lose the game is sad, give them snacks, that should make them happy.

This idea was given to me by an anonymous reader suggested this idea for one of my shorter posts. 

As usually, I always love ideas, questions, messages, and comments. Feel free do do any and all of the above. :)

Report ID 2241567

Author Krill

Humans and Food

1.       After some research, it has been brought to my attention that my theories on Pizza were mildly incorrect. Pizza is not a political leader, celebrity or dark god. It is in fact, a food that humans like…. A lot….. I cannot stress to you how under exaggerated that is. If it was socially acceptable to name your first born after this food, than humans would gladly do it.

I still have my doubts on weather this pizza is a dark god or not because how could humans be so interested in a flat bed of carbohydrates covered with curdled cow secretions, cow shavings, and tomato paste? I have no idea….

Though, if there is a Pizza religion, I am under the impression it a minor sin to put Pineapple as one of the toppings, or so I understand.  

2.       Although, to discuss the topic of food, I must first explain that humans require intra-body consumption of outside energy to fuel their body. This means taking objects from the enviornment and putting it into their bodies. This wouldn’t be so weird since we know other species that preform this practice, but the issue is, humans will eat ANYTHING.

a.       Plant products

b.      Animals

c.       Fungi

d.      Seeds

3.       Those being the major food groups, I have yet to describe all the seemingly inedible foods humans consume that include poisonous compounds either because it tastes good or because they quote on quote “Think it’s fun.”

a.       Potatoes, a dirty ground root that contains solanines when old. Humans are excessively obsessed with potatoes and all the dirt that comes with them.

b.      Human’s favorite fruit, apples, contain cyanide. Ok yeah it’s just in the seeds, but do the humans carefully cut these out. No they eat the whole damn thing as if begging the universe to just go ahead and kill them.

c.       Oh humans also love spicy peppers. What do I mean Spicy, I mean it burns. As in literally. The chemicals inside peppers are poisonous enough that pain receptors in the mouth respond and create a burning sensation. Humans love peppers even as they cry and snot and dribble all over themselves because the pain. HUMANS LOVE THE TASTE OF PAIN.

4.       Important note. Never take a human’s food. I know you have no reason to take it, but don’t move it either. They get extremely territorial of their food. If you need it, ask politely. They will be more than willing to give it to you, but if you don’t you could

a.       Be socked in the face

b.      Get bitten

c.       Loose a friend

d.      Make an enemy

e.      Make the human cry

f.        Forfeit your life to the human god of YOU BASTARD YOU JUST ATE MY FOOD IM GOING TO F****** KILL YOU

                                                               i.      Note, I have never heard of this god being referenced in conversation, but I am still 100% sure that he exists.

5.       Humans love colored food specifically when it is paired with sugar. The best way to make friends with a human is to offer them delectable rainbow comestibles.

a.       They can be sticky

b.      Hard

c.       Stretchy

d.      Gummy

e.      On a stick

f.        In a box

g.       In a wrapper

h.      Or you can just go ahead and poor straight sugar into a tiny bag, color it up a little, and make it incendiary. No I am not kidding, Humans have a candy that explodes in your mouth.

6.       Oh, relating to number 5, some humans aren’t happy unless the candy is sour. This means that if it doesn’t pucker every orifice on their body, than it isn’t sour enough. If it’s any good it should screw up the face, lock up the anus, and make your entire body hurt.

7.       Some humans have a condition where they want to eat things that ARENT food. This includes plastic bags, the stuffing out of mattresses, dirt, rocks, toilet paper, and one time an entire AIRPLANE, not even joking… not…. Not even a little.

8.       Oh, as an addition to number 7, human stomach acid can dissolve steel, and for the rest of their life, their body will have to constantly replace the lining of their stomach so that the acid doesn’t chew its way through their backbone, out their back, and onto the floor.

9.       Also the humans like to throw minor drugs into their food. This includes coffee, tea and, sodas. They become mildly addicted to these drugs, and none of the humans will admit it, but many of them are addicted, have a serious problem and really should stop but no, they won’t because it helps them get up in the morning. Idiot morons.

10.   Oh  you know how I said Pizza is the dark god of food? Well if Pizza is the dark god, than chocolate is the Megagod used to bribe angry female humans into not destroying life on earth as they know it. Chocolate can be used to appease the male of the species, but it is much less effective. If you want to appease the male human give them a Beer. Even if they are still made at you, the ethanol content will make them slow, uncoordinated, and stupid, and they will likely trip over themselves as you run away.

a.       Note, this may require more than one alcoholic beverage to do so, the human liver is very productive.

Back to chocolate though. It comes in many forms, squares, triangles, cylinders, circles, frozen cow secretions, warmed and mixed with water, cold and mixed with cool cow secretions. Congealed and turned into a gelatinous slow moving magma that they drip into or onto cow secretions  

11.   Have I mentioned the fact that humans drink the byproducts of other animals, originally intended for other animal’s offspring? Yeah, that one is weird.