The Darkside of Me

I completed some major changes to the Library For Kinksters. Here is the update…

Aftercare

Aftercare 101

Aftercare For Dominants

Coping With Emotional Subdrop

Dom Drop

How To Make A Sub Drop Kit

Online Aftercare

sub/Dom Space, sub/Dom Drop and Aftercare

Subdrop and Aftercare

Subspace and Aftercare

Consent

Consent & BDSM

Guide to Consent

Doms, Daddies & Masters

7 Fundamental Characteristics of A Daddy Dom

12 Characteristics Of An Ideal Submissive

25 Things Daddies Should Do For Their Littles

30 Rules For A Modern Gentleman

45 Things A Girl Wants, But Won’t Ask For

50 Rules for Daddies

100 Sweet Things You Can Do For Your Princess

101 Things To Do To Make Your Slave Feel Owned (loved)

Alternative Names For “Daddy”

Alternative Domme Titles

Aspects Of Control

Asserting Ownership - Rules

Daddy Up!

Defining A Daddy Dom

Dominants Need Training Also

Fun Tasks Daddies Can Give Their Littles

Help For New Doms

How (and Why) To Go Down On Your Submissive

How To Be A Good Dominant

How to Find a Submissive

Knowing when to be a Dom and when to be her Man

New to DDLG - A Daddy Dom

Observations On Doms By A Submissive

So you want to be a Dom?

So Your Girlfriend Wants You To Dominate her

Some Little Rules All Daddies Should Know

The Dom Commandments

Things for Daddies to Keep in Mind

What Being A Dom Is About - A Submissive’s Perspective

What does the title Daddy mean?

What is a Daddy Dom?

What is a Daddy Dom Mentor?

What It Means To Be A Dominant

What Makes A Good Dominant

Littles, Subs & Slaves

6 Questions Every Submissive Needs To Ask Her Potential Dominant

7 Common Types of Submissives

10 Tips For Living With A Sadist

10 Things A Dominant Needs From A Submissive

11 Red Flags Of An Abusive Dominant

26 Baby Girl Jobs

50 Things You Can Do For Your Daddy

A Bottom’s Responsibility

A Dominant’s Advice To His Submissive

A Man Who Knows You…

A Good Dom vs. A Bad Dom

Acid Test For Subs

Ask A Million And One Questions

Attraction to DD/lg: A Little’s Perspective

Baby girl or little? A brief introduction

Care and feeding of Daddies

Characteristics Of A Good Daddy

Coaxing The Daddy Dom Out Of Your Partner

Feminist Submissive

Finding Your Dominant

Good Rules For Middles and Littles To Live By

Guide For Young Newbie Sub Girls

How a Dom Behaves Shows How He Will Behave Towards You.

“How do I find Daddy?” A guide to help you safely find the Daddy you’re looking for.

How Does A Submissive Ask for Something from Their Dominant?

How To Find A Dom

How to Take Proper Care of Your Dom

I Solemnly Swear I Will Not Do This To Daddy

Novice Submissives

Physical abuse of littles - it is never OK

Signs Of A Fake ‘Dominant’

Stuff no one tells you about submission, until the spreader bar is on and you are trapped.

Submissives, Learning to Trust Your Instincts

Submissive Pride

Submissive Traits - Intelligence

Things My Dream Daddy Would Say To Me

What is a Little?

When newbie subs, with asinine “doms,” need to run away.

Why I call him Daddy

Your Rights As A Submissive

Long Distance Relationships

10 Ways To Survive A Long Distance Relationship

Getting The Most Out Of A Long Distance Relationship

How To Make Long Distance Relationships Work

Long Distance Relationships - Tools To Cope

Long Distance Relationships (LDR) Contemplation: Sticking with plans

The Long Distance D/s Relationship

Mental Health

BDSM practitioners ‘healthier and less neurotic’ than ‘vanilla’ peers

Body image & BDSM

How to Get Over Feeling Sad

Is BDSM normal?

Love your Vulva – a self-esteem guide to your sensitive bits!

Managing bipolar disorder in a D/S relationship

Meditation And Mindfulness

On Cutting

Steps For Letting Go of Painful Memories

Things to Do When You’re Anxious, Scared, or Just Need a Distraction

Tips for Recovering from Codependency

What Are Anxiety Disorders? (Infographic)

Why Do I Feel Unloveable?

Relationships

10 Habits of Happy Couples

10 Top Communication Mistakes

10 Types of Emotional Manipulators

12 Relationship Truths We Often Forget

50 Best Ways To Say “I Love You”

BDSM Breakups: All Good Things Must Come to an End

BDSM: Control Goes Both Ways

Collars and Collaring - A Personal Perspective

Communication Is Key

Concept Daddy Dom/Little Girl Relationships

Daddy Doms and their little girls

Daddy Doms, Baby Girls, Little Boys And More

Date Night In A Jar

DD/lg In Public

D/s and Domestication

Factors That Make A Relationship

Finding Love When You Least Expect It

Finding Others with Common (Adult) Interests

How To Be Present In Your Relationships

How To Build A Healthy Relationship

How To Get What You Want In A Relationship

How To Know When You’ve Found “The One”

How To Take Your Relationship To The Next Level

Importance Of Confidence In RelationshipsImportance Of Trust In A Relationship

Key Ingredients of a Happy and Healthy Relationship

Needy Girls Are Daddy Dom Bait

Relationship Advice To Follow, And What To Ignore

Searching for a D/s partner?

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies In Relationships

Stop Arguments Before They Start

The Rewards of a Submissive

Types Of Relationship Insecurity

Well-Balanced Power Exchange Relationship

What Is Real Love?

When He Doesn’t Call

Why Love Makes A Night Of Kink Even Better

Safety

Another life ruined because of the morality police

Bondage Basic Safety: Crops, Paddles & Bondage!

Kinks, Risks, How To And Why Sometimes You Shouldn’t

Limits in BDSM

What is Emotional Abuse?

Self Improvement

10 Tips for Creating a Happier Life

10 Steps To Self Care

10 Ways To Be Happy

10 Truths To Live By

Guaranteed Ways To Be More Attractive

How to be Yourself

How To Deal With Your Enemies

How To Ignore Haters

How to Recognize a Toxic Friend

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Slut Shaming Explained

Tips for Healing a Broken Heart

What are the Signs of a Jealous Friend?

Sex

50 Cunnilingus Tips from Women

Basics of Breath Play

D/s or Kinky Sex?

Fetishes Explained

How To Make A Girl Squirt

How To Tell Your Son About Sex

Intersection of BDSM and Queer Heterosexuality

Sensual Biting

Sex: Myths & Stereotypes

Sex: Practical Details

Sex: Pregnancy and Birth Control

So You Want To Try Anal? A Practical Guide For Women

Squirting Educational Video

Squirting Notes

Toys

Advice on Dildos and Buttplugs

BDSM on a budget

Bondage Rope: How To Choose Yours (And More)

Training

10 Considerations for Inexperienced Subs

30 Things You Can Do For Your Human Kitten

40 Very Important DD/lg Facts

Age Play: A Short Guide

BDSM for Beginners: Safe and Affordable Play

DEFINED: SSC (Safe, Sane & Consensual) & RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)

Etiquette in BDSM Part 1

Etiquette in BDSM Part 2

Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 1 - Beginnings

Exploring the D/s Lifestyle: Part 2 - The Dominant Mind

Glossary of BDSM Terms

Guide To Blood Play

Guide To Bruising

Guide To Talking Dirty

Guide To Wax Play

How Do I Get Started In BDSM?

How to Make a Blanket Fort/Cuddle Nest

How To Make A Comfort Box

Introduction To BDSM

Newbie’s Guide To Vaginal Fisting

Punishments in BDSM Relationships

Red Flags For Online BDSM Relationships

Some Thoughts On Rules

The Leash Has Two Ends - Responsibility

The Need For Rules and Discipline

1. Manipulation.

“But if you loved me you’d….” “You love me unconditionally don’t you?” “If you cared about me you’d…” “Dominants are supposed to…” “I’m a little submissive, you control me, so it’s all your fault.” “You hate me don’t you? That’s why you won’t do…” “You are such a dick, why can’t you just do something nice for me, for once.“ 

This is often done by “subs” who are out to use their Dominant for something, often to fulfill their kinky fantasies, and also often to get spoiled. The above phrases are often used to coerce the Dominant into buying them stuff, or participating in sexual play the Dominant is not comfortable with. Please remember you do not have to do anything you are not comfortable with, I don’t care how much tumblr says you have to eat her out or fuck her on her period, or lick his asshole, or buy her those new plushies and shoes every week, if you are honestly not comfortable with this, don’t let yourself get manipulated and talked into doing it.

2. Verbal/Emotional Abuse.

Putting their Dominants down, telling them how worthless/ugly/stupid/dumb/terrible they are, calling them names, and when you get upset you’re told that “it was just a joke.” “Don’t be so sensitive” “You’re overreacting.” “Aren’t you supposed to be the Dominant here?” “You control me so I can’t possibly do something to you you wouldn’t like.” Etc. This often goes hand in hand with manipulation and gas lighting to make the Dominant put up with this kind of abuse.

3. Physical Abuse.

Even if she’s a she, even if they’re 100 pounds and 10 feet smaller than you, if they even do as much as raise a hand at you or threaten to, you are being abused. Hell, even if it didn’t hurt, they are not supposed to hit you. At all. (obviously some couples like to play around a get a little rough and -both people enjoy it-, but I’m sure you all can tell the difference.) Again, if you say that this make you uncomfortable, they will often say things like examples already given. “I thought you were a big strong (wo)man.)” “c'mon, you should be able to take that, baby.” etc.

4. Denying you aftercare.

A lot of Dominants need aftercare too, and many don’t realize it, because for a lot of Dominants taking care of their submissive is their aftercare, but when for some reason this is impossible, Domdrop happens, and it can happen hard. Aftercare is not just for the sub, and if they don’t want aftercare but you know you do, and even after explaining will flat out refuse, it means they don’t care about your well being after an intense scene or session.

5. Refuses to give you any kind of love or affection or care. 

“You’re the Dominant, you should be able to take care of yourself.” “I’m the one who deserves love here.” “You’re too big and strong to be taken care of.” “Why don’t you pay attention to me for once.” “Your problems aren’t that bad.“ 

Affection is so important in a relationship, if it’s something you need, don’t ever settle for someone who won’t give you those things.

6. Does not support you in hard times.

When say, a relative dies, you may not be able to be as consistent, you still want to be their Dom and they your sub (or maybe not, thats fine too), but you also need them to support you and care for you in tough times. If they tell you to suck it up and take care of THEM instead, they are again a selfish little bitch that only cares about themselves. Take care of yourself when you need to, and you deserve a sub who will take care of you too.

7. Talk bad about things that are perfectly normally in D/s but that doesn’t fit their abusive agenda.

“Serve you? What. No. I’m a little fragile sub, YOU’re supposed to get ME drinks.” “Beg? I’m too good for that. That’s disgusting, you’re supposed to please me whenever I want you to.” “No, that’s not how D/s works.”

(obviously this is different from a sub who is simply not interested in these things, it’s the phrasing and the reasons behind it.) They’ll always make everything about themselves, and when you bring up something that isn’t specially for them, they’ll guilt you and shame you. They’re only interested in themselves and keeping you under their thumb.

8. Deciding everything without negotiation or regard for your feelings.

They never want to negotiate or communicate, play can only be on their terms, them never letting you actually decide or have a say in anything.

Your feelings matter, don’t do anything you don’t want to do, don’t let yourself get talked into anything. Communication is everything in a D/s relationship.

9. They never obey you, they try to convince you D/s is all about the submissive.

There’s a difference between playful, agreed upon brattiness that’s fun for both parties, and using their Dom for their own selfish needs. This is often done by subs who want you to buy them stuff, care for them, spank them, etc, but they do not want to actually obey or serve you. They just want to use you and take advantage of you. Often times, disobedience is more of a sign of an ignorant or inexperienced sub than anything, but when it is paired with manipulation and other things, is when it crosses the line from ignorance to abuse.

10. You feel like you can’t trust them. They lie often.

Trust is everything in D/s, absolutely everything. If you can’t trust them, you can’t have a D/s relationship with them. If they lie a lot, even seemingly small, insignificant lies, it is a sign they do not respect you. Or they’ve cheated, or you’ve heard bad stories from their friends/co-workers, you’ve found suspicious things, etc. You deserve someone you can trust, not a liar.

11. Every single thing that would be abusive in a vanilla setting, or if you were their child, friend, or sub.

Every. Thing. All those other posts and guides and things online and everywhere that talk about signs of abuse? It all applies here. All of it. Don’t put up with what you wouldn’t put up with if it were any other kind of relationship. Cheating, slapping, name calling, lying, blackmailing. 

How to Recognize Abuse

**Emotional Abuse of Men

**Sexual Assault of Men and Boys

**Men Can Be Victims of Abuse, Too

**Domestic Violence Against Men - Know the Signs

**Information for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse

**Help for Battered Men

**Battered Men, Battered Husbands

**For Male Survivors of Rape and Sexual Abuse

**Male Survivors of Incest and Sexual Child Abuse

**Help for Men Who Are Being Abused

Help Lines (Phone and Text Chat)

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (or 1-800-787-3224 for TTY)

National Dating Abuse Hotline: 1-866-331-9474

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-237-8255

Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men: 1-888-743-5754 (US and Canada)

Hopeline Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-784-2433

National Hotline for Victims of Crimes: 1-855-484-2846

National Human Trafficking Hotline: 1-888-373-7888

Polaris Human Trafficking Text Line: Text “BEFREE” to 233733

**1in6/RAINN Chat for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse

Support Groups

**1in6 Support Groups

Male Survivor Support Groups

Pandora’s Aquarium - Chat (includes chats specifically for men)

Pandora’s Aquarium - Forums (includes forums specifically for men)

How to Find a Shelter

Domestic Shelters Search (shelter locator with filters to find shelters specifically for male survivors)

SAFE (located in Austin, TX, but states they can help people find resources/shelters in their area)

How to Find a Therapist

**Male Survivor Therapist Directory

Mental Health Services Locator

Resources for and About the Abuse of Kids/Teens

Love is Respect Hotline: 1-866-331-9474 (Hotline for teens)

Darkness to Light Helpline (Sexual Abuse): 1-866-367-5444

Darkness to Light Text Line: Text “LIGHT” to 741741

ChildHelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453

Children of the Night Hotline (Children in Prostitution): 1-800-551-1300

National Runaway Safeline: 1-800-786-2929

Covenant House Nineline (Homeless Youth): 1-800-999-9999

Stop it Now Hotline: 1-888-773-2362 (for adults concerned about the welfare of a child)

Jennifer Ann’s Group (for teens experiencing dating violence)

Other Resource Lists 

(While I tried to include the most helpful resources I could here (i.e., resources that lend themselves to one-on-one communication, individual reading, etc.), there are plenty of other great resources, including regional resources, listed in these links. Some of the resources are specific to men and others aren’t, but they are all helpful for male survivors.)

**Male Survivor (regional, international, and online resources)

**Husband Battering: Men and Domestic Violence

**Help for Battered Men: Online Resources

**Help for Battered Men: National and International Resources

(I have a side blog for this but hey more people will see it here)

• BDSM does not always involve pain

• BD stands for bondage and discipline, DS stands for domination and submission, SM stands for sadism and masochism

• You don’t need all three categories for BDSM although they often overlap.

• BDSM is not always a sexual act. For example, you can tie someone up and not have sex with them before you untie them. BSDM can be like a stress relieving hobby

• Not all subs are masochists and not all dominants are sadists

• Although BDSM relationships can be abusive like any other, dominants are not inherently abusive.

• Submissive partners aren’t miserable during a scene although they might look that way

• BDSM scenes aren’t always serious. You can laugh or smile in a scene when you’re having fun. • Dominants take care of their subs. If a sub is crying and begging and looks like they’re in terrible pain, it’s only because the sub has chosen to be in that situation. They are not being abused.

• You can practice self-bondage, you don’t necessarily need a partner

• Aftercare is a thing. Picture a D/s pair cuddling and comforting each other after a scene where the D whipped the s. You always care for each other afterwards

• Dominants are not always cruel

• Basically BDSM isn’t the violent abusive thing it is often seen as

• But also don’t just jump into it. Before you try BDSM with a partner or alone, research safe words, different roles, red flags in a D/s relationship, signs your bondage is hurting you, and physical signs that mean your scene needs to stop immediately (like numb hands, blurry vision, etc)

• Google Safe, Sane and Consensual or Risk Aware Consensual Kink for more info on how BDSM can be a healthy thing that doesn’t hurt anyone

so you are interested in bdsm, huh? whether it be because you read a book like fifty shades of grey *shivers* or you are just curious, here are some links to help you start out!

What does bdsm stand for/what is it?

BDSM

What is bdsm?

So what is bdsm?

The difference between bdsm and abuse

Bondage

What is bondage?

Bondage and Restraints 101

Rope bondage 101

Bondage for beginners

Discipline 

BDSM techniques

Discipline v. punishment

are they the same thing?

Discipline

Dominant/Dominance/Dom/Domming

Dominance 101

How to be a dom

How hard can it be?

Everything you could want to know about being dominant

Submissive/Submission/Sub/Subbing

Submissive 101

How to be submissive

Intro to subbing

So you want to be submissive?

Sadism/Sadist

Sexual Sadism

Sadism 101

Sadism in BDSM

Sadism 101

Masochism/Masochist

Sexual Masochism

Understanding Masochism

Processing Pain

The joys of being a masochist

Types of Dom/Sub Relationships

Types of relationships

Dom/Sub types

Different types

A quick beginner’s guide to subs

Is BDSM always sexual?

Asexual and kinky

Asexuality in BDSM

What is non sexual play?

Nonsexual dom/sub

Is the man always dominant and the female submissive?

Sexually Dominant Women and the Men who Desire them

Femdom idea guide

Appeal of a male sub

The good girl’s guide to female dominance

I’m a feminist and submissive. Is that wrong?

What it’s like being submissive and feminist

Why im sexually submissive and feminist

Feminist sex submissive

Being a feminist submissive

Can i be trans/do i have to be straight to be into bdsm? Heck no! bdsm does not discriminate the kink/fetish community is one of the most accepting communities. so go on and be yourself we wont hurt you (unless you want to be)

So what’s wrong with fifty shades of grey?

50 things wrong with 50 shades of grey

What’s wrong with fifty shades of grey?

The troubling list of things wrong with 50 shades of grey

7 realities of bdsm that 50 shades of grey ignores

*please note there is nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality and fetishes. there is nothing wrong with enjoying 50 shades of grey as long as you recognize that Christian Grey is not the role model for a good dom

Sub drop/ Dom drop

Sub space, aftercare, and sub drop

Dom drop

The emotional side of sub drop

To dom space, dom drop, and beyond

Aftercare

Aftercare for dominants

Aftercare

Aftercare 101

Aftercare for submissives

Signs of an abusive bdsm relationship

Can i be abused in a bdsm relationship?

Field guide to the creepy dom

Warning signs of a bad dom

Abusive subs

Places to meet people interested in bdsm

fetlife

bdsm dating sites

fester

bondage pal

Where to get toys

pleasure chest

amazon

etsy

liberator

frisky buisness

adam and eve

babe land

pure romance

amazing

too timid

BDSM on a Budget

BDSM on a budget

Sex toys you can make at home

Budget BDSM

Budget BDSM 101

Misc.

The paradox of dom/sub relationships

Advice to newbie subs on dominants

The relationship between a sadist and masocist

101 ways to make your slave/sub feel owned

Beginner’s guide to d/s