I SOLEMNLY SWEAR

the dance floor hosted quite a few pairs of dancers, swaying together in time to the slow drift of strings. it made for ideal camouflage for the potent intimacy between remus and sirius, their embrace generally unnoticed among the couples. far as remus wa concerned, nobody in the world existed but sirius. his eyes shut out their building moisture, arms ever tightening around the one and only owner of his heart, a long-forgotten intoxication flooding his veins with the boy’s words. sirius always saw something more in remus than he could perceive – it was nothing short of miraculous to learn that had not changed, when remus so drastically had. 

the mild guilt born of preventing sirius from moving on was but a drop in the ocean of triumph remus felt, welling through his being to paint a beaming grin on his face. ‘ i know just what you mean, ’ he whispered, placing a kiss just above his ear. it felt as though an explosion had gone off in his chest, overcome with joy as his suppressed hopes were made truth. he nodded his agreement, grinning still, murmuring as their noses touched, ‘ this puts my dreams to shame. ’ his feet had ceased their slow turning, seemingly rooted to the ground as he hung onto sirius ; never had the betrayal of his body frustrated remus as much as now, aching to keep this moment forever. ‘ i don’t believe i can keep this up love, ’ he muttered sheepishly, apologetic eyes cast down to his useless feet before flicking back to sirius’, ‘ would, er… would you sit with me? ’

his heart sat tenderly in his chest with remus back in his arms. swaying couples disappeared to specks in the back of his mind and he found himself solely concerned with the slow and graceful sways of he and remus. it was as though the world had only begun turning again once remus returned to his arms, like his chest was afloat with delight and insurmountable relief. he felt long haired and bright eyed, oblivious to what horror went on in the world whilst he sang his heart out in a student bar and fell in love with the only boy in the world. 

@siriusi

     the barlights put speckles in remus’ vision before the liquor could set in ; weeks spent in werewolf encampments made artificial light a disorienting affair. as he listened as order members exchange toasts, remus couldn’t be the only one who thought celebration was premature. still, he did not think it undeserved : the faces of his friends and former classmates appeared to have aged rapidly in the last year, many coming to resemble his own scarred visage. to see them all again in one place was overwhelming. after so many weeks of solitude, company was something he needed to get reacquainted with ; he found he clung to sirius, worried at times that he kept the boy from the rest of their party, but immeasurably relieved by his presence. since resurfacing, remus was loathe to let him out of his sight. ‘ been too long since i’ve had a proper drink, ’ he muttered upon downing half his whiskey, offering a grin. he trusted sirius wouldn’t let on to the others how much he despised his time among london’s werewolves, as it wasn’t suitable work for anyone else in the order– and though his successes were minimal as of yet, remus intended to make himself valuable. 

‘ our neighbors hated us. always with the dirty looks. not all from fights, we always played our music much too loud. only when i was an r.a. did i truly appreciate their plight. ’ the memories flooding his head looked so much more vivid with sirius to share them with, though they remained somewhere very far away : like remembering the life of a dead relative. perhaps the two men dancing were no longer the same people as the lovestruck teenagers, or the boyfriends turned flatmates, or even the quarreling lovers– but as they laid their confessions out in abject surrender to that one colossal truth, that they were still in love, remus knew that the veteran and the professor could be even better. 

he pressed their foreheads together, the sight of sirius blurring from proximity, bright silver painted abstractly across his vision. ‘ i just… i can’t believe i’m holding you again, ’ he whispered, unlacing their hands to wrap both arms about his neck. ‘ i… had no idea how this was going to go, coming to this wedding. didn’t want you seeing me with… you know, ’ he shrugged, nodding over to where petunia wore matching glowers with a mustachioed fellow, remus’ cane stowed at their table, ‘ convinced myself you’d be here with some stupidly handsome date. ’ electricity danced up his spine as sirius put his lips to his neck, making his breath hitch softly. with a small adjustment of his bearings, remus brought a hand to the base of his head, and as he felt over the short hairs of his undercut, he realised was touching a part of sirius he’d never seen before today. his eyes were fastened to the spot once hidden by his dark mane ; remus swept a thumb over the tiny hairs in awe. the very thought of such a thing made him reel, unable to fathom that despite the years spent holding sirius closer than his own heart, there was so much as an inch of him left undiscovered. it made a hopeful ache blossom through him, something thrilling thing that let him know there was no going back for them, only the open frontier of something entirely new. ‘ we still fit right together, ’ he hummed impishly, chin coming to rest demonstratively on the top of his head.

“ we most definitely should’ve been evicted. they absolutely hated us. ” sirius chuckled, overcome by memories so sweet he could taste them on his tongue. everything looked better from the future, those days when they were so young and in love they thought that they would live forever. that they deserved to. now sirius bones still shook with the sound of gunfire whilst remus’ limbs betrayed him with every passing moment. the world had been cruel to them in their time apart, running back to one another felt like survival instinct. 

      ‘ no, that doesn’t sound like you, ’ remus muttered, smiling at his boyfriend’s affinity for canines as he scratched the stray’s bare neck. ‘ no tags, huh? ’ he raised an eyebrow a sirius saying, ‘ hope you have an idea how we’re going to afford a dog. ’

/istening sirius talk about their fantasy marriage touched pink to his face. throughout the ceremony, he thought of sirius endlessly – and not just because he looked fantastic flanking the groom in his red suit. he had wanted it so badly once: to take that plunge, stand before his friends and family and commit his life to sirius. he supposed he still did. ‘ you’re probably right about that, ’ remus sighed. he couldn’t help looking back on their impassioned rows with a certain fondness, every argument born from a place of love, even when they were too blind to see as much. ‘ all our stupid fights. seems sort of silly now, doesn’t it? ’

the world stopped as sirius met his kiss, the tiny gesture enveloping remus in a softness he so, so badly missed. all life became remus and sirius, holding him, fingers in his hair, speaking words he only dreamed of. his throat tightened, but he grinned radiantly. ‘ fuck, i only wish you told me sooner. ’ he wished he could put his hands in his lovely dark locks, but thought it would ruin his balance ; instead, he brought their clasped hands to his lips. ‘ but then, ’ he murmured, kissing the top of his hand once more, ‘ i could have told you… i’ve loved you since i saw you. still and always. ’ his eyes were bright, premature crow’s feet popping into existence beside them, heart hammering rapidly as he smiled adoringly at sirius, dancing slow on top of the world.

he smiled gently at the boy, holding everything precious in his arms as they swayed softly to and fro. the cane was in the back of his mind, as was the slight quiver to remus’ hands. it hurt him to think of him hurting, the beautiful boy who’d made his life so much sweeter every morning that we woke up entangled in hisarms. ‘ they feel like so long ago. ’ he murmured, looking up at him, lanky as ever and just as perfect. ‘ god, we could scream. how we weren’t evicted i don’t know. ’ sirius chuckled at the memories, all flashing through his head as they so often did. they’d had a perfect few years, ones which he threw away the moment he left.

his heart throbbed with an exquisite pain, all but overwhelmed by sirius wrapped around him again. it felt like coming home after so many years forced apart: perfect comfort tinged with wistful melancholy, the slow music scoring the scene with heartbreaking precision. remus hoped it would never end, grinning at the thought of their younger days. ‘ i was sure i was going to marry you someday. after we were both very rich and famous. it always felt… like we’d have time. ’ so much came down to that vain certainty of eternity remus had when he was younger, when he could walk with ease back home to the face of his lovely sirius, taking his charmed life for granted. ‘ always thought i’d do the proposing, though, ’ he added, slightly surprised with his own transparency. it made some sense ; sirius was his strength, and though remus had to find his own when they parted, to be with him again made him feel invincible. as he lifted from his broad chest once more, the question sirius asked him struck like lightning. his breath caught, gripping sirius to avoid tripping over his own feet. remus bit back a sob-laugh at the absurdity, but a shrunken sound still escaped him. sirius returning his pining was a fantasy last week, a slim chance at best hours ago. ‘ you bloody well took your time, ’ he laughed, the sound a bit mad, shaking his head against the prickle in his eyes– remus then swallowed, features sobering. ‘ sirius, ’ he spoke lowly, thoroughly losing himself in his eyes, ‘ it’s not too late. ’ before he could think it through, remus leaned in to press a kiss to his lips, soft and brief, warm and wonderful.

@siriusi

‘ sirius… please tell me you didn’t buy a dog. ’

sirius may have been holding him up, but remus felt no relinquishing of power; rather, exchanging his cane for this magical boy produced a remus stood taller than he had in a long time. he was weightless, back in the arms he longed for. as they guided his feet slowly across the dance floor, his heart pounded a quick beat out of time with the slow music, though he felt utterly peaceful. warmth radiated down from the top of his head as sirius laid a cheek on his sandy hair, eyes shutting tightly as he memorised this moment– their hands clutched tight, their arms wound around one another– taking stock of every detail like this dance was his last act on earth ; if it was his last dance with sirius, it may as well be. ‘ we talked about it a lot, huh? ’ he sighed, ‘ guess they beat us to the punch. ’ he once tried to forget their late night discussions of imaginary nuptials, but he relished the memories now playing vividly behind his eyelids as they danced, breathing his scent, soaking in the closeness. years had passed since remus had been this close to anyone, much less his one and only love. god how he missed this. his heart skipped when sirius seemed to read his thoughts; remus lifted his head, moonstruck eyes wide. a blinding HOPE rocketed out from where he’d stuffed it down, entertaining the idea that sirius might still want him for the first time since their breakup. speech was a lost concept for a moment, a sad smile spreading over his features. ‘ i miss you every day, ’ he murmured, brushing a thumb across his palm, a giddy embarrassment accompanying the confession that he never once stopped thinking about sirius. ‘ well… i’m glad you were wrong, ’ he choked out, closing his eyes against the threat of tears as his head fell back into his chest, nudging his head into his neck.

he was charmed by the laugh, his own bubbling out to join it. remus felt more alive than he’d been in a long time. back in pennsylvania, his days had gone by with the monotony of disaffection, all of it empty compared to the few years he spent with sirius, when each morning was genesis; every fight, armageddon. remus tended to pride himself on his self-sufficiency, a pride which was partially responsible for his frustration with his own failure at maintaining a long-distance relationship. when the split had come and torn his life in two, he’d been considering several offers for university positions– he’d chosen the one farthest from every reminder of sirius and the life he left behind. it made for the creation of a routine entirely new yet devoid of meaning, even when his walks across the school turned laborious and he began carrying the aluminium cane in hand. he might have put his general apathy down to ageing, but remus recognised the overwhelming sense of significance to be with sirius again. ‘ i look forward to it, ’ he said, hoping dearly he would get to see his grown-back mane.

remus lingered on the lip in his teeth, biting his own ; his chest ached with memories of how it felt to kiss him. ‘ you’re quite safe, ’ he chuckled, head shaking. there was no denying he was adorable: that glint in his eye made remus grin. he traveled back to that night with sirius, the way he made the entire massive crowd cease to exist, like they were the only two in the bar. since they’d been speaking, sirius likewise distracted him from the rest of the wedding, every bit as captivating as then.  ‘ i had no idea, i assumed james was leading the charge to find lily. ’ the thought of his friend reminded remus whose wedding they were at - his eye flickered to the newlyweds, who were beginning their first dance as man and wife. remus bashfully looked from the dancefloor to sirius, fingers constricting about his cane handle. what did he have to lose now? ‘ okay, ’ he agreed, voice almost a whisper, rising from his barstool. as he handed his cane off to a bridesmaid, he put his weight on sirius ; remus bit his cheek to prevent an apology, hand closing around his bicep, and he could have swooned at the size of his arm muscles. carefully, remus clasped sirius’ hand into his own, a quiet gasp escaping at the sensation. he gingerly rested his head upon his chest, turning to butter with the familiar, sheer comfort of their bodies flush together. remus sighed, eyes shutting peacefully, swaying slowly in a circle and listening to the soft croon of violins.

sirius felt a sense of desperation. a feeling enveloped him, a sensation that the world may end if remus didn’t agree to dance with him. he felt his heart leap when he stood, the cane replaced with sirius’ arm and his heart swelling with the sheer bravery it took for remus to do this at all. the whole world had enclosed on them, two people so far apart finally brought back together to resemble something whole. when they couldn’t do it anymore, and the relationship fell apart in a way he could have never predicted, sirius had lost a lot of meaning. a muse, an inspiration, someone to protect and run to. it was as though his world had revolved around remus in the healthiest possible way, and to have him back, if only for a moment, managed to put a few pieces back together. 

‘ i’ll drink to that, ’ remus said briskly, unable to think of a worthier toast than to sirius staying intact. he wondered, though, how true the statement was. no doubt his service took a toll on sirius, and though it was not his place, remus wished to know just how he was dealing with his return to civilian life. there was so much he wanted to find out– how exactly his music life derailed, what led him to choose the army of all next steps, the series of events that led to his discharge. remus could fill volumes with deeply personal questions he longed to pose, none remotely appropriate for wedding small talk. it hammered home how much distance there was between the two men sat at the bar.

his eyes kept going soft, losing focus with all his memories, had to blink it off when sirius reminded of his lost tumble of dark hair. ‘ you can always grow it back, ’ he advised, ‘ but i think it’s cute. don’t think know anyone else who could pull it off. ’ it occurred to remus that he ought to be ashamed of how obviously he melted before his former love, but then, he was no better at recognising flirting now than ever. he couldn’t bother caring, when he could be nothing but honest with sirius. 

he felt his face warm at the reminder, asking, ‘ is that how it went? ’ as though remus could forget. one perfect night, when he let lily take him to his first concert and irrevocably alter the trajectory of the cosmos – staring shamelessly through the band’s set, only to come face-to-face with those captivating silver eyes. ‘ it was like something from a film, ’ he answered with a hint of a sigh ; with how much remus played back the memory of their meeting, it had mythologised into something much too perfect to regret, even in the most blinding heat of their breakup. ‘ i was scared shitless. literally fell all over you. ’

as his mind busied with trying to piece together the revelation of lily’s pregnancy, the invitation to the dance floor caught him off guard. a sheepish sadness fell over remus. he couldn’t see the point in delaying the news any longer. ‘ sirius… much as i do,’ he assured, pivoting in his seat with his cane to bring it into the light, ‘ i fear my dancing days are behind me. ’ he made a broken sort of smile at his lap, thinking of the times they’d danced to bands who shared the stage with the marauders, or together in their apartment to his old records, clothed and not… ‘ if you want to go ahead, i won’t stop you, ’ he appended mildly, forcing himself to keep smiling, keep from losing it.

he was grateful to remus for not pushing the reminders of the last few years to the surface. every night he attempted to shiver his way into some sort of a peaceful sleep only to awaken shrieking, sweating, crying and reaching out for someone who wasn’t there anymore. and whose fault was that? remus had always been his greatest comfort, and to this day, sirius awoke reaching out to feel the cold space next to him, lost of moony’s warmth. one day he would tell him the truth of it all, all of it bundled up in the pit of his stomach and refusing to unwind itself mercifully. the ptsd, the tremors, the terror and the sleepless nights. one day he might unload it with moony, sift through it and throw away the badness. that was the only possible solution his tired mind could muster up. ‘ chin chin. ’

he smiled then, grinning bashfully down at his shoes when remus complimented the messy mop he was forced to call a hairstyle these days. he’d lost so much about himself these past few years, chopping off his hair had been the start of it all. sometimes he wondered if he lost his humanity. if he left it with the sand and the stones, left it clinging to the machinery he’d been repulsed to touch. he liked the twinkle remus was putting back in his eye. he wanted it to stay. ‘ oh i shall be. trust me. ’ he chuckled, shiny teeth digging into his lower lip. ‘ but as long as you still find me cute... i can consider myself safe. ’

‘ please. you fell over me? i practically leapt of the stage just to get to you. ’ sirius cackled, leaning against the bar on an elbow whilst his head fell back with the gusto of his laugh. he remembered his reactions to remus clear as day, the crowd parting like the red sea in order to get sirius to that particular spot where his life would change forever. ‘ i knew that if i didn’t get to you there and then, someone else would and i wouldn’t get to make you mine. ’ he swallowed. ‘ even just for a little while. ’

his eyes rolled, a tick he never quite lost, to the annoyance of his professors. ‘ yep, s’wot i do. ’ his grin sobered a bit, nodding with his words, trying not to think of a frightened sirius in a warzone. a protective instinct made him the least bit angry with him for putting his life in danger, a fossil of their relationship – remus suppressed it, a hundred other feelings easily taking its place just to look at him again.‘ i can’t even imagine…’ he swallowed, unsure how to console his brave boy, nor whether such a thing was warranted, much less desired. joining up was never a possibility for someone ill as remus; he was taken by complete and utter surprise when lily mentioned sirius was back. it fell on him like a sack of rocks, realising that while he wrote dissertations in his little flat, sirius was spending his days faced-to-face with death. ‘ bloody fucking relieved you weren’t blown up, ’ remus blurted, laughing over his desperate sincerity. if he knew sooner, what would he have done differently? would he get the right address from lily and pour out his heart in a letter, make sure he knew remus still loved him in case it was his last chance? ‘ still, it’s really admirable, honestly… i’m just, ’ he sucked a deep breath, ‘ awfully glad you got back safe. ’

he beamed from the praise, glad he didn’t appear as ancient to sirius as he felt, and that sitting hid the more obvious tells of his poor condition. ‘ thank you… you too. i rather like the bowl, ’ remus chuckled, a stiff finger pointing to the hair sirius kept touching, ‘ don’t think i ever saw it so short. ’ remus would never understand how someone could be so breathtaking. he was more beautiful if anything, real and lovely and no longer his. he didn’t dare hope, not for something so far out of reach as his affections, even when it felt so natural to be at his side again, at last. ‘ of course you did. i’d bet she has you to thank for much of her pre-marital stress, ’ he accused fondly, head nodding aside as an elbow on the bar held him up, ‘ do i even WANT to know what sort of stag you threw her husband? ’

he couldn’t keep his eyes away from sirius’ as he spoke of their friends, mesmerised in his words as though they were meant for him, not so different from when he used to follow the marauders’ shows and daydream himself into the lyrics. when sirius broke their locked gaze, remus recovered with another gulp of his drink, looking into his whiskey glass as he smiled faintly. ‘ the world, huh? ’ his voice held an affable doubt, never one to put much stock in belief. as he and sirius spoke, though, it got him thinking : once, the universe seemed determined to keep the two apart, but all these years later, here they were. what sirius said next made his thoughts switch gears. he gasped, nearly choking on his drink, ‘ no. you’re joking! ’ the outburst made remus conscious of his volume, and leaned in to hiss, ‘ why didn’t she tell me!? ’

he was fond of the eye roll, fond of the grin and the always messy hair. fond of everything because he was in love with a boy made of the moon and of the words rearranging themselves inside sirius’ head everytime he saw him. they called him brave for fighting in a war he didn’t believe in, but accepting that he still loved the man he’d thrown away was the only courage he could show that meant anything of substance. he laughed a little breathlessly, forever amused by his choice of words, how blunt remus could be at times and how it always managed to surprise him. it was never boring between them. ‘ yup. all in once piece, luckily. ’ he smiled at the ground, still wearing a shaken gaze. he hated to be the boy with the shadows in his eyes, but they haunted him everywhere he went. innocent men, women, even children. they were a part of him now.

‘ i heard it’s fashionable. ’ sirius bit his lip, once again tousling the unkempt cut in a way he knew would boil lily’s blood. it was just that standing here next to remus, so beautiful and watching him with smiling eyes left him wondering why the hell he’d cut off the hair which had been toyed with countless times by the shaking fingers he so desperately loved. ‘ army made me. not sure i like it, sort of miss the my luscious locks. you look no different y’know? still as lovely as the day we met. remember? i made a beeline for you when i saw you. ’ he laughed, hands falling to rest in his pockets, fabric guardians of his tremors, how every reminder of the past two years left him jumpy and jittery and somewhat useless. he wished he was still the boy he spoke about, but he was dead and buried. ‘ ugh god, i still feel nauseous thinking about that night. it was just us two but you know what we’re like. absolute twats. ’