Death by Litterature

I was bullied in elementary school

They called me fat, ugly and disgusting

Disgusting

Said that me and my friends were losers

They were the cool ones, and we were the losers

Because we were different, weird

We were imaginative and they weren’t

We could find joy in playing in the woods for hours, and they couldn’t

Because I was fat

The one thing I couldn’t excuse or hide

That made me unattractive

That made me hate myself and my body

I still do.

But I got through

I had friends. Great friends.

We had a lot of fun. In between the crying and self loathing

In middle school I wasn’t bullied anymore

But the seeds that were planted in my mind after years of bullying had to manifest at some point

I was just gonna lose some weight

To feel better about myself

So that kids wouldn’t have a reason to mock me anymore

I was gonna be immune to the bullying

I downloaded myfitnesspal

Numbers became everything

The numbers on the app, the numbers on the scale, around my waist, the numbers on my report card

Those were the numbers that defined my worth, right?

If they were perfect they couldn’t mock me

Maybe I would finally be a little less worthless

Maybe I’d finally be attractive and worthy of love

Not yet

I broke down

Had to go the the nurse

To the hospital

To a therapist

My parents were dissappointed

Of course they were with me as a child

The loser who was unattractive and unworthy of love

But I got through that too

And I still had my friends, and I got the grades to get into the highschool I wanted

In highschool I wasn’t bullied, and the seeds that had manifested were slowly withering

Or atleast that’s what my therapist said

I went to therapy

Gained weight

But I didn’t have any friends

I had never been so alone

I lost my best friend

She is still alive

But she left me

All my old friends left me

Probably because I wasn’t deserving of friendship

Maybe they never liked me

Maybe no one ever does

The idea of jumping in front of a train going full speed and hitting my body so that it all would stop wouldn’t leave my mind

I was hopeless

Once I gained enough weight I was told that I was healthy now

I could go live my life as if nothing had happened

Like I was just a normal girl

So I did

I tried

I actually made new friends

But my weight gain was awful

My self confidence was as bad as ever

And that guy would never like me back

I was fat

And a loser

So why would he

He never did

I got through

Made some amazing friends and some great memories

I actually enjoyed last year of high school

In university I no longer underate

And I made some friends

Good ones

Though I wonder if they’ll leave me as soon as we don’t have classes together anymore

I bet they will

Cause I’m no ones first choice

I’m a substitute friend

For when no one else is avaliable

Or when you need help with something

Cause I’ll say yes regardless

Because I feel so unworthy of love that I need to prove my worth

Why wouldn’t you take advantage of that

I won’t get mad when you don’t invite me and I see you hanging out without me on your Instagram story

You’re so sure of that, that you post the stories knowing I’ll see them

But this isn’t my main issue

My main issue is that I still hate myself so much

And that staying alive is so fucking hard when every second of being alive is incredibly painful

And I’m trying really hard to have a better life

To find meaning and happiness

But it’s really hard

In a world that’s this cruel

Do the few good moments really make up for all the pain that is being alive?

Why are we doing this?

I keep wanting to overdose, or to jump into the river, or slit my throat

Or go back to the train

But I don’t

Because if I got through all that shit in the past

Then I will get through this too

Because I’m not gonna let the bullies win

I’m not gonna be the loser they said I was

I’m gonna work hard and create a future where I’m happy

In studying pages upon pages when I don’t even know if I want a future. You know you fuck it up with every employer anyways. You’re too scared to ask for help and you make everything awkward and weird. You weren’t cut out for this.

In going to social events and talking to people in class when you know you’ll never be their favourite anyways. You’re just a spare friend for people when they get bored and have no one else. No one really loves you. They all have more fun without you.

In daydreaming about that guy, who you’ll never actually walk up to. Cause you’re a coward. And he’d rather be with someone who isn’t such a loser.

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