Buck

1. He declines being called Sir, Master or any other grandiose title from the start. Until a relationship has been agreed he knows he’s a human being just like you, on the same level as you. He will owe you that respect and courtesy from the beginning. He declines being called ego-inflating names unless a dynamic has been explicitly agreed by both parties.

2. He looks after your interests. He will be on your side and will want you to be fulfilled in a relationship. He will be prepared to walk away from a relationship, if he believes your needs will be better met by somebody else. In fact he will be more than happy to introduce you to somebody else who will meet your needs better than him, even if that means he will lose you.

3. He doesn’t criticise other people, particularly other doms, behind their backs. He doesn’t feel threatened by other doms and doesn’t see them as competition. He doesn’t belittle or talk bad about other doms or tries to eliminate or undermine “competitors”.

4. He doesn’t try to dominate the conversation or gratuitously lead a group onto something just to prove to everyone and himself how domly he is. He will let other people have their say, without trying to hoard the limelight. He is a true team player who puts the needs and interests of the group before himself. He is interested in the team winning, not him winning.

5. He doesn’t prey on the vulnerable. He doesn’t hang around the entrance of munches or clubs looking for “fresh meat”. He doesn’t try to take advantage of inexperienced submissives and use their lack of knowledge to his advantage. On the contrary, he will protect those new and vulnerable and do what he can to guide them in the right direction.

6. He doesn’t instigate politics, bitching and division between camps. He is not prepared to partake in them and will try to minimise conflict whenever possible. He has a conciliatory tone and tries to build bridges, not burn them, whilst still defending what is right.

7. He’s approachable. He’s friendly and welcoming and accepts everybody as they are. He keeps his ego in check and doesn’t carry himself with a swagger or in a threatening or arrogant manner. He’s not in possession of the truth. He knows an überdom is quite the opposite of a true dom.

8. He admits to his mistakes. He’s happy to say sorry. He knows that being a dom doesn’t mean he’s perfect. He will own up to his errors and will make reparation whenever possible. If he makes a mistake during play he’ll apologise sincerely and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

9. He’s comfortable with a sub who is more intelligent, skilled and capable than him. He knows that being a dom doesn’t mean he has to be the best at everything. He’s quite happy to take instruction from her submissive and let her teach him what he doesn’t know. As an example, he’s happy to take directions from her when he’s driving.

10. He has nothing to prove. He’s comfortable in his own skin and doesn’t need to prove to anybody how “dominant” he is. He doesn’t try to live up to some expectation of what a dom should be. He’s confident and sure of himself and is untroubled by others disagreeing with him and having a different approach to dominance than his. He knows who he is and he doesn’t need to justify himself to anybody.

11. He doesn’t take liberties. He will not boss around a person just because she’s submissive. Nor will he grope her either. He will be clear, transparent and specific about how he wants to play, before anything happens. He will not take advantage of someone being in subspace and therefore more vulnerable. He is polite to waiters, clerks and those in serving professions.

12. He’s trustworthy. He has a strong sense of integrity, responsibility and compassion. He will stick to his agreements and fulfil his end of the bargain. He will tell the truth and behave with honesty, even if that means he loses out. He’s honourable and his word is his bond.

(source: Fetlife/DominantMan78)

—-

What is really being discussed here is morals.  Not the concept of “MORALS!!!” used as a stick to beat others, but clear, simple and honorable social graces.  Highly-evolved, functional values.

This list is something to aim towards as a long-term, achievable goal.  It took me forever to get to where I am, and I’m still far from achieving perfection.  I still fail, miss my ethical targets and stumble occasionally, but when I am at my very best, I like to think that I could stand with the best Doms who live by this list’s standards.

I get this question a lot. And I mean a lot. I hate answering because there is always someone who feels left out. So in my response, I am going to make something very clear. This answer purposefully does not include everyone. Just because you are not listed does not mean that I don’t love your blog. This is just what I can think of in this brief moment. 

Individuals that present Dominance in the same manner as me:

@trust-power-pleasure

@texasgaydom

@domconfessions

@sir-in-training

Submissive Point of View:

@thenerdysubmissive

@sweetpussyboy

Great to talk to about anything:

@damienxazure

@universeoflust

@flashdoggy

Posts stuff I reblog a lot:

@pretty-boys-spanked

@lustfulswitch

@boyfriendbdsmgallery

@bossyboys

@tanktoploverboy

@kinkythingsilike

Original Content:

@the-monster-speaks

@gaytimes-at-ridemonthigh

@thepaddedpunk / @thepaddedprofessional

@pickedapeck (his posts are rare but amazing)

Hi there, Anon. I almost didn’t even dignify this with a response, but I think you’ve actually given me a good opportunity to say something that new doms need to know, so kudos to you. 

First and foremost, let’s establish something right here and now: You don’t get to tell me what I am, and you are damn sure not the leading authority on what does and does not constitute a dominant. For the record, I didn’t wake up one day and decide to be a dom. I never even thought of myself that way until I met belovedsangi 10 years ago. I always had the characteristics of a dom, sure, but I didn’t ever put that title on myself. That title was given to me by my submissive. SHE is the one who wanted to call me Master, and Sir, and sometimes Daddy. I never told her to do these things. But of course, you probably think I am making my point for you and that if I were a REAL domly dom, I would’ve demanded those things. 

And that’s where you have a fundamental issue understanding the meaning of the title. So let me help you with that. 

A dom does not demand respect. He conducts himself in such a way as to be worthy of respect. 

A dom does not bark commands. His presence is such that he can seduce and command with nothing more than a glance. 

A dom does not raise his voice. He is the kind of man who gets what he wants without needing to. 

A dom is not a braggart. He is possessed of a calm, quiet confidence that is evident in his demeanor, the way he walks, the tone of his voice, and all other aspects of him. 

A dom understands balance. He knows that while a firm hand and discipline are critical in this type of relationship, knowing when to be gentle and understanding is every bit as important. 

A dom is a gentleman first and foremost. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he is a fancy man who values the finer things in life, but he does understand manners and protocol. He opens the car door for her. He orders for her if she is having trouble deciding. He treats strangers with courtesy and respect. 

A dom is a protector. He makes sure that his submissive feels safe and protected at all times. This means so much more than just telling her you will protect her. A dom shows her. He keeps a hand on her shoulder or on her waist in crowds so she doesn’t get nervous. He sleeps on the side of the bed closest to the door so that he is always between his submissive and an intruder. He walks on the side of the sidewalk closest to the street so that an errant vehicle will hit him before his submissive. If anything or anyone should threaten his submissive, he must be prepared to fight for her with the ferocity of an alpha wolf. 

A dom earns her submission. It is not a thing to be demanded, expected, or assumed. And he continues to earn it, each and every day.  

A dom values her submission. Fully submitting your will and trusting your body and well-being to someone takes a kind of strength most can’t imagine, and a dom never loses sight of that. 

A dom understands that being a dominant is 10% privilege and 90% responsibility. He is literally taking her life into his hands. He is accepting the most sacred and important thing she has to give. He is taking her burdens and bearing them as his own, always, every day. 

A dom is consistent. He understands that he can’t just be her protector, lover, confidant, master, etc. when he feels like it. There will be days when a dom is tired. There will be days when he is stressed. There will be days when he is broken. On those days, it is more important than ever for a dom to show his submissive that he is still everything she needs him to be. 

So what does it mean, then, to be a dom? I get the feeling that you, anon, would say that it’s all about making her kneel, having your way with her, shouting orders and using her. Helpful hint: Any jackass can buy himself a whip and bark commands. That’s not a dom. Don’t get me wrong, I do absolutely have my way with belovedsangi. I love it when she kneels. I love the kinky, rough, mind-blowing sex we have. I love to dominate her in the bedroom. But for every moment of that, there are a hundred moments of holding her, of talking to her, laughing with her, gaming with her. There are a hundred moments of making her feel safe when she is afraid, giving her confidence when she is unsure, comforting her when she feels troubled. Those are all things that a dominant does too. 

I love my submissive more than I love oxygen. I love my submissive with a fire that can never be extinguished. I value her and respect her in every way. I treat her like a queen and fuck her like a slave. These things don’t make me weak. They don’t make me less of a dominant. These things make me stronger than you can possibly imagine. There is nothing quite so formidable as a dominant who has found the perfect submissive to fuel his fire. Never will you see anyone love so strongly or fight so fiercely. 

Alright followers, I’m always trying to help educate the next generation of kinksters. This time I’m writing to educate my fellow doms. Ask almost any submissive and they will tell you the world is WOEFULLY lacking knowledgeable dominants. That’s why I teach. I needed a teacher and too many people wanted something in exchange for teaching. I believe that making knowledge available for anyone who simply wants it will improve our community.

So, I asked my followers to tell me the things they HATE when dominants do. It’s important to know what not to do because so many doms have a move, or a skill that they know subs love. When subs aren’t interested or turned off by something we did? They vanish, that makes it hard to learn from our mistakes. So, let’s get into it.

Assuming any submissive owes you anything for simply existing.

@collegebottomwpb wrote: “Assuming that I have to do what they say because they identify as a Dom and me a sub. It makes me wonder what they are really looking for. I’m not your punching bag just because I identify as a sub.”

@gayhypnoboy wrote: “One thing certain Dominants do that puts me off serving them is acting as though they deserve my submission purely based on my being an s-type, without them bothering to establish any rapport with me. It’s far better to come in gently and respectfully - if rapport is established then I am far more likely to gift the Dominant my submission.”

@hungryhungrycumdump wrote: “Being a Dom doesn’t mean acting like an asshole to me, especially if we don’t already have a relationship/framework to build on. Every day I have to ignore random rude people that treat me like shit. If I don’t know you and you’re leading off our encounter by degrading me and demanding things that make me uncomfortable, I’m gonna shut down completely. Show me you’re worth obeying before demanding subservience. You can’t be in charge until I feel safe being powerless.”

I really wanted to bring this comment up first because it is often the opening move of a dominant to try and put himself in position as the person in charge. We know you’re in charge, we all know because we all self identify with our roles.  Confidence is quiet, insecurities are loud. Pushing your dominance shows insecurities to submissives. But being your dominant self and expressing dominance through who you are is going to be WAY more effective. (as much as I dislike “real” alpha/submissive as a concept) Think of how many submissives want a “real” alpha. They are desperate for the Man who radiates his dominance through confidence in himself and every action he takes even when he is at rest. Cultivate that Man within yourself. Mix in a bit of charm and you will be the center of attention.

Don’t forget that every sub is unique and has different needs. Get to know each submissive you want to play with.

@athenbax wrote: “I had a dominant thank me one time and I lost all respect for him.  Dominants don’t thank fags, fags thank dominants.”

@markinwisconsin also added: “I think when someone approaches a sub making demeaning statements or demands it is more likely a fake dom looking for a quick buck.”

@hungryhungrycumdump wrote: “Also learn the difference between betas and omegas and try to think about what kind of relationship dynamics most appeal to you. Subs need different levels of degradation and treating us all the same is a quick way to make us feel disposable (and not in a fun cumwhore way). If you need a human toilet, fine. Just don’t assume that’s gonna be me because I’m a sub.”

Both of these quotes show what a mistake it can be to assume all submissives are the same. @athenbax needs a Man to come in, take charge, and own his ass. @markinwisconsin will not be impressed if you are trying to humiliate or demean you right out of the gate and will likely leave. EVERY SUB IS DIFFERENT! They all have different: needs from dominance, personalities, kinks, appearances, and needs from a dominant. If you walk up and call @collegebottomwpb a faggot he’ll probably block you where as @athenbax is likely to say “Yes Sir”. This I hope explains some points of failure for a lot of brand new doms who start out with one approach thinking that porn reflects reality. Take a moment to ask a sub what titles he likes as that can often give you the first clues you need to get inside a submissive’s head. Each new sub you would play with you need to think like first. You want to be a step ahead of them in the conversation whether fag or boy at all times. If you’re a step ahead of them and leading them in just the starting conversation alone, it makes a fantastic first impression.

Learn the difference between confidence and arrogance.

@markinwisconsin wrote: “I don’t think an Alpha should ask a sub to do something.  They should be giving orders.”

Ok, so we’ve established that you’re here and dominant, and that every submissive is different. The last thing you need to establish is that a submissive feels into you and is looking to you ready to play. If he’s ready to play, he’s already submitting to you in a cursory way and wants to go deeper. I’m going to lay out some differences between arrogance and confidence for you below:

When you understand the difference between confidence and arrogance your words carry weight because you truly and deeply KNOW what it is you need and want in the moment. You give a submissive an order not to fill his time so you can think of something more to do but instead because it’s what you need him to do and need him to do NOW.

Some submissives will make a point of letting you know that you can dominate them: “It’s ok for you to give me orders.” These submissives have often had lots of experiences with Men who were new to giving orders and unsure. Remember earlier in this post we talked about being a step ahead in the conversation? That applies in the bedroom. Plan, know, execute on your needs and your scene. Having that next step planned out while you’re spanking his ass means that there is no hesitation when you need to act because you KNOW what you’re going to do. It lets you speak with assertion because you know “this is what happens next”. Besides, a great many subs would be incredibly excited to hear: “I’ve been planning all week what I’m going to do to you. Are you ready to find out exactly what will happen now?”

Honorable mention

@lto2012 wrote: “As a Dom, I don’t know that I have much to offer here aside for the fact that I’m really willing to learn, to listen, to challenge boundaries and to openly communicate with subs. Things like this— a “how to” guide and other content I’ve found here on Tumblr— are helpful in my own learning process.

Every situation, interaction, and person is nuanced and that presents a challenge for some Doms. There is no formula. It is a continual test that goes in both directions. The issue I find is that when subs don’t communicate I fail that test. I’ll fail every test I don’t even know I’m taking.

I cannot read your mind.

I want to have the sex in real life that my buddies jerk off thinking about. Help me out and we can have that amazing sex together. “

I know how many cruel, abusive, arrogant doms are out there boys. Don’t forget there are good men too. It makes life a lot easier if even though you’re a submissive you’ll let a dominant know if something constitutes mistreatment so new sincere men such as this follower can learn and grow into a Man any of you would be proud to serve. Dominants can’t be dominants without submissives and submissives cannot submit without a dominant to lead them. This principle extends to all areas of our kinky lives not simply the bedroom for those of us who are called to live the life of a kinkster. So, speak up, let your would be dominant know what’s up and if he shapes up and treats you right, consider submitting to him. After all, a Man who can hear he’s done wrong and do better is what we all want from a partner isn’t it?

Conclusion

Like the emails from Nigerian “princes,” there is a kind of “Findom” that is rampant online, including Tumblr posts. You’ve all seen the ubiquitous requests or demands for “gifts” or “tribute” from utter strangers (who intend to remain strangers).

This seldom happens in the real world of in-person relationships. You know, the kind where you are face-to-face with another person. There is a reason for that. It’s a lot harder to exploit someone in person, all the more so in an ongoing in-person relationship. That’s why scams have usually operated by mail, telephone, and now, the Internet, where there is little risk of ever running into the person who is scammed.

Power exchange is not supposed to be an excuse for raw exploitation. And in fact, in the overwhelming majority of in-person Dom/sub relationships, such exploitation is absent. The Dominant partner is often in charge of household finances, although there are also instances where the Dom prefers to turn at least the day-to-day operations over to the sub, retaining control over big decisions. Sometimes the arrangement involves the sub turning over his paycheck to the Dom, and the Dom assigning him an allowance which may be contingent on good behavior. But even then the sub’s earnings are combined with the Dom’s earnings in a common pool that is used for the couple’s common expenses (housing, food, transportation, etc.). This is not a one-way transfer.

Online “Findom,” on the other hand, has none of this mutuality. It is completely one-way, despite the attempt to paper that over with the lame excuse that it somehow benefits the giver, because, after all, the giver willingly transfers the funds, just like those who fall for the Nigerian prince scams. The fake Nigerian “prince” can get away with this confidence game because, of course, you never meet him. And the same holds true for the fake online “Doms” or “Masters” whose interest in you is limited to finding a way to transfer your hard-earned cash into their accounts.

Just as the fake Nigerian princes target the vulnerable - generally persons with low incomes who yearn for a better life - so do online “Findoms.” They seek out persons with low self-esteem, who despair of finding a partner who will accept them. By pretending to accept them online in return for a constant stream of online money transfers or gift cards, the “Findoms” only reinforce the sense of being undesirable, that turning over cash is the only way they can ever gain any attention from another human being.

I spent a good deal of my life feeling worthless. In getting over that, I came to see myself as intrinsically valuable, and placed less importance on my value to other people. I remain keenly conscious of what other people say, but I’ve learned to–mostly–trust myself.

Once, I gave that up. Over a few months I became friends with a charismatic and attractive man. When he later expressed a dominant interest in me, I couldn’t believe it was real. Someone I looked up to, who I admired, found me of value.

He told me that I would be a difficult pup to claim; that my independence was a challenge to the submission he desired–but that it made that submission a more valuable gift. He encouraged me to let my guard down, and I, excited to retain that attention and prove myself worthy, opened up. He encouraged me to need him.

He called me pup, and in time, instructed me to call him Sir. I became fond of his existing boys and saw the love and support their Dom expressed for them.

As I became more invested in the relationship, he began to question my sincerity. I began to make mistakes: asking him out to the wrong kinds of activities. Giving him a gift–he disapproved of presents. Making plans with my other friends–I had too many. I’d drink every few weeks–it was bad for me. When I made a mistake, he cut off contact. I beat myself up over it and resolved to be more accommodating.

When I invited him to dinner and a movie with my friends, he told me it was too expensive and a bad idea for socializing; I should be more creative. When he had to take a rain check on an event we’d planned to attend together, he assumed I never wanted to hang out again. I started to think it wasn’t my fault.

He said that he wasn’t the right Sir for me, and we moved back to an amicable, egalitarian friendship. I was dejected for a few days, but got over it.

Then, one crazy night, things snapped back. I was an adjunct to the family again. Overjoyed. Filled with longing. He encouraged me to miss him, to need his voice, his affection. I counted down each hour before I could see him again.

“I love you, pup.” We’re at dinner together at my favorite sushi place. There’s a panting, bounding Labrador running through my chest. He kisses me goodbye outside the subway. I thought this was impossible. Count the hours between texts, between visits. We cuddle in a huge pile on the couch, and laugh, and it’s wonderful.

Then I say something wrong again, and no matter how much I try to back up or reassure he insists on the opposite of how I feel, and I can’t seem to get the words out. I’m a bad pup. A bad match. “We’ve never even been on a proper date,” he tells me. It’s eleven P.M. I’m in the office, finishing up work, sobbing.

He comes to my house. I’m a wreck. He cooks for me, and I apologize again and again, and he forgives me. “Come here, pup.” He holds me on the couch and I’m so grateful that he’s able to see past my mistakes. Good pup.

Good pups obey. Contact is never enough. I repeat these mantras to myself.

Then I made another mistake. I went to a play party–with his permission and foreknowledge. I wasn’t feeling the right kind of energy for a scene: the only person I felt I could submit to was him, and he’d passed on attending. So I spent the evening just talking with friends. Leaving the venue, he asked how it went. I told the truth.

He wouldn’t believe me. He’d never been to one, but insisted that I had to have played with someone. I didn’t know whether to make up a lie to satisfy him, or stick to my guns. I did the only thing I knew how to do, in a Dom/sub context, to signal that I needed an equal discussion.

I used his name.

That was unforgivable. He told me that the relationship was clearly not important to me. Forbid me to call him Sir. Said he’d see me tomorrow, as planned, but only as friends.

I’d spent the day baking his favorite pie. The hand-drawn card read “Happy birthday, Sir”. The two sat on my desk as I crumpled to the floor, sobbing, begging forgiveness over text.

I held it together through the trip the next day, and left his house so despondent I forgot my shoes. They’re probably still there.

Grief, turned to vinegar. I couldn’t bear to see him, and after a cursory apology, he cut off all contact. I held myself back from walking off the BART platform, in front of an arriving train.

I held my head in my hands, months later, when another wave of grief and abandonment flooded out of some subconscious storm sewer, and left me keening in a hotel room at four AM.

I am worthless; I am disloyal; I don’t deserve love.

I know depression, and recognize the cycle. I know how to cope. I reconnect with friends, involve myself in work, and lift regularly. I talk myself out of bed and into the world and gradually heal.

Six months later the birthday card, undelivered, falls out of my journal. With it comes a slurry of bitter anger, which follows it into the rubbish bin.

I don’t think of him much, after that. But every so often he comes up again, and I reflect on this time in my life. I re-read my journal and my text logs. And I’m still not sure what to think.

To what extent does that hunger for approval, for belonging, strengthen–or poison–a pup’s relationship with their Dom? When is dependence a source of intimacy? When does it solidify our bonds and reinforce mutuality? When does it cloud our judgement and damage self-esteem? 

How far should one extend off-balance in order to join in a dynamic movement–and can there be any form of meaningful relationship without the risk of injury? Is it inherently dangerous to eroticize the loss of self-control?

I don’t have simple answers.

~

I know this: today I have a wonderful alpha, who means the world to me. My heart leaps every time I see him, and laying on his chest is the safest place to be. When I make a mistake, he forgives me and reassures me that–even angry–he cares. And he never makes me feel unworthy or unloved.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

1. Inconsistency - If a dominant is inconsistent in applying and checking up on his or her rules, it makes the submissive not know whether to bother following them or not, and if he or she is inconsistent in their expectations of the sub, the way they treat him or her, and how they apply their dominance, it is very unsettling for the sub, and he or she cannot possibly grow or flourish in such a relationship.

2. Apathy - if a dominant does not care much about his or her sub or their relationship, they are not going to invest the large amounts of time and energy that power-exchange dynamics need to thrive.

3. Carelessness - This may seem similar to ‘apathy’, but in this case, I am referring to a dominant who does not think through his or her actions or take the required amount of care during scenes.

4. Dishonesty - Openness, good and effective communication are even more vital in a power-exchange relationship than in a vanilla one, because at times the sub will literally be putting his or her safety into the hands of their dominant, and he or she needs to know that they can trust him or her 100%, and that they have been honest with them about their intentions and feelings, and that he or she will respect their limits, if he or she is allowed them, and that they will answer her questions and concerns truthfully.

5. Violence - I am talking about the more abusive type of action where a dominant lashes out whenever he or she becomes angry, and takes his or her rage out on a sub in a physical manner, acting in an uncontrolled way during scenes, causes harm and lasting damage to the sub as a result, and uses their power to intimidate and beat down rather than to control in a consensual manner. It is a difficult line to describe, but i know it is there and i hope that others understand the point I am trying to make.

6. Uncertainty - If a sub gives over control to a dominant, he or she expects him or her to lead, guide, train, and give orders and rules and directions; if the dominant does not know what he or she wants from him or her, does not set any rules or guidelines, is continually changing their mind, leaving him or her to make their own decisions, or worse, still asks him or her what they want and/or think for every situation, it becomes pointless.

7. Arrogance - I think there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance, and too much arrogance can be dangerous in a power-exchange relationship, as it can make the dominant believe he or she is invincible, and that they can do anything they like, and that he or she is the only person that matters; that it should be all about him or her. Ultimately, it can make him or her blame the sub for their own mistakes, neglect their needs entirely, attempt things he or she really is not capable of or competent at, putting the sub at real risk, and turn into the type of person that nobody respects or likes or wants to be around, let alone have a relationship. I think a good dominant needs to keep a tight rein on his or her arrogance, and not let it become too much.