Diary of a Single Christian Girl

Over the past few days God has really been stripping my heart, he has been showing me how my heart can be so wicked and I have not had a clue. As a child I was rather hated, many of my peers did not like me and on a few occasions I was bullied and isolated. I learnt that I was my own defender so I was rude, I had no real respect my elders and just thought they were out to get me. In primary school I would swap friends all the time because I would make friends with the newest person, because I wanted a fresh start at having friends. Until I learnt you have to be kind and friendly to have friends. This lead me to let my guard down and just enjoy life. I remember actually saying to myself, "just ignore the pain of life and have fun, if you need to just think about your pain do it before you go to bed." That day I learnt to be brave, I learnt not to cry (I was a cry baby before that), I learnt how to smile and laugh even when it hurts. My whole life actually changed I became this happy go lucky person who had no actual cares in this world, I would drink at every given opportunity, at times I would drink alone, smoke at least a 7 cigarettes a day, party all weekend, binge eat, seriously rebel against my parents until I was kicked out and entertain any male attention I got so the void and the emptiness in my heart left me. Recently I was forced to look at myself and I realised even though am a generally a nice person and hate hurting others, I am actually a compulsive liar, with no bone of loyalty, am controlling, am really spiteful and vicious. See what happened was I stuffed my pain with false comforts to make me feel like am a better person. But hurt people hurt others!! The real condition of my hurt heart was creeping through my kindness and love for people. Until God had to show me that pride really entered my heart, I believe I was the kindness and sweetest person around, I actually looked down on people who were rude and bitter. That is the thing with pride, it causes you to judge making you forgetting that you are just like the person you have judged. Right now am on a journey of self discovery, am learning who I am hoping that God's love will keep me through it. My story has not ended but am on a road of having to face myself and really love myself.

Dear my precious daughter, I haven't abandoned you or forsaken you, I haven't turned my eyes away from you. Daughter you blow me away day in and day out, I just love to be in your presence just holding you and loving on you. I want to hear about everything you are going through so that we can reason together and tackle the day hand in hand. My dear daughter I am tired of religion it doesn't bring you closer to my heart, instead it leaves you feeling condemned and afraid of who I really am. Daughter instead I want us to be intimate, I want to see into your heart and I want you to see into my heart. I want to share with you my secrets for this earth and for my people, I want to give you true dominion over the earth. I love you my dear, I really love you. You are the apple of my eye and I will never withhold my love for you Love Your Heavenly Father X

#repost!! Jesus died so you can live a fulfilled life, with purpose and without that empty feeling. Don't miss out on Jesus running away from hypocrites. #itsnotworthit

Don't miss Apostle Tomi Arayomi this Saturday (31st May) in Luton from 3-5pm and 6-9pm The address is Suite 8H, Britannia House, Leagrave Road, Luton, LU3 1RJ

Hey ladies, I love you with an everlasting love, your beauty is indescribable, you were made in my image. Ladies you are my daughters, I am not ashamed of you. My intentions were not for society to treat you the way it does. Daughters, you were not created to be tails!! You were created to be heads besides your husbands, you were created to support and encourage him. Do not be fooled into believing that I created you to be second class citizens, I only create the best and you are the best! I love you, so much and I am ready to empower you to experience my love in a new way. Love Father God X

I have never really fully realised that writers can have a moment of blankness. Until now, two posts into my blog, I am stuck! I have plenty of ideas and posts I have written on my phone, but none of them seem to be the perfect post that fully explains what I am experiencing. Currently I am in this phase where I am battling between Gods Will (which is to intern at my church) and my Will and it is SO confusing. I want to do His Will but I want it my way and He wants it His way. The frustrating thing about it is I clearly know the bible says carry your cross, (Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. (Matthew 16:24 NLT), but it is not as easy as just doing it. It is a choice I will have to make day in and day out regardless of my mood and regardless of what people say about me. But the ultimate question is will I do His Will or not? This is the battle I face daily, not noticing that it affects my relationships and my state of mind. Until today when my realisation brought me to a place where I can only ask God for the heart for His Will. God does not promise us that we will have an easy life but He promises us that He will walk with us (When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. (Isaiah 43:2 NLT). And He also promises that all things will work together for my good (And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28 NLT). But sometimes knowing these scriptures is not enough especially for me, I need revelation so that I am able to completely submit my Will to God. This is mainly because life has taught me that I need to care for myself, by doing what I believe is best for me (my Will) whereas, God Will really contradicts my belief system. Right now I have been given sometime out of the internship programme in order to review my heart and decide whether I want to do Gods will or my own. I am seeking him daily asking God for a deeper revelation about the internship programme and also seek him for his heart regarding the programme. I just want to pray for everyone else who is struggling to do Gods Will that He will answer every question you have regarding His instruction for you and that he will give you the correct heart posture. Love Tracy X

I have never really fully realised that writers can have a moment of blankness. Until now, two posts into my blog, I am stuck! I have plenty of ideas and posts I have written on my phone, but none of them seem to be the perfect post that fully explains what I am experiencing. Currently I am in this phase where I am battling between Gods Will (which is to intern at my church) and my Will and it is SO confusing. I want to do His Will but I want it my way and He wants it His way. The frustrating thing about it is I clearly know the bible says carry your cross, (Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. (Matthew 16:24 NLT), but it is not as easy as just doing it. It is a choice I will have to make day in and day out regardless of my mood and regardless of what people say about me. But the ultimate question is will I do His Will or not? This is the battle I face daily, not noticing that it affects my relationships and my state of mind. Until today when my realisation brought me to a place where I can only ask God for the heart for His Will. God does not promise us that we will have an easy life but He promises us that He will walk with us (When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. (Isaiah 43:2 NLT). And He also promises that all things will work together for my good (And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28 NLT). But sometimes knowing these scriptures is not enough especially for me, I need revelation so that I am able to completely submit my Will to God. This is mainly because life has taught me that I need to care for myself, by doing what I believe is best for me (my Will) whereas, God Will really contradicts my belief system. Right now I have been given sometime out of the internship programme in order to review my heart and decide whether I want to do Gods will or my own. I am seeking him daily asking God for a deeper revelation about the internship programme and also seek him for his heart regarding the programme. I just want to pray for everyone else who is struggling to do Gods Will that He will answer every question you have regarding His instruction for you and that he will give you the correct heart posture. Love Tracy X

Throughout the bible we see how God does things that are crazy to bring his spectacular outcome. For example, He told Abraham to leave his father's home to go to a land which he will show him, He told Mary she will have a child whilst she was a Virgin and told young David to throw a little stone at a giants head. The bible is full of stories were God asks people to do crazy things. The beginning of last year I felt that I should move out my parent's house, but I soon disregarded the thought when reality hit me and my fears of finance kicked in. As time went by it become more and more evident that this was God's idea. One night after a singles class that was running at church I realised that I had to make a decision. My heart's desire has always been that I will go all out for God, so I said "yes God, if it's your will." It was the scariest decision ever made and it gave me major anxiety. I could not figure out how my decision would come to pass, as my university was in London and I worked in Watford and I would be living in Luton. I knew I should trust God but the idea seemed really crazy to me. As time progressed the idea began to warm on me and God miraculously provided a house. He asked a lady at church to buy a house which she will rent out to us, which in turn means cheaper rent. I just wanted to thank God that I have been living in my new place for a few weeks and he has provided for me financially with rent, food and furniture. What I wanted to say is trust God with the crazies, he will meet you half way and will carry you until the end. He did that with Abraham and blessed him to be the Father of all nations, Mary was the mother of Jesus who is the author and finisher of our faith, and there's David who became king. Yeah, I get afraid about what tomorrow may bring but when you trust God with the crazies, he is inviting you to deeper level of intimacy with him. Don't be afraid to step out!! God is not a man that he will lie, he will always help you out. Love Tracy X

Tracy X

Hope you are blessed Tracyx

I pray that you have been blessed Tracyx

Today for some reason...I woke up under the weather and as I was getting ready for worship practice...I tried to shake of this depression but nothing moved...to be completely honest...recently my moods have been up and down a lot...but today I had worship practice I can't afford for my mood to be what determines my attitude...so as I drove to worship practice...I just prayed and worship God so loud that I am sure the next car can hear me....but my state of depression still couldn't budge...so when I got a queit moment...I just thought I will ask God about my emotions...who just said to me "when you step away from me and hold me at a distance...your allowing your inner fears and emotion to raise up and be prominent in your life". Then it became clear to me...that I serve a God who is the prince of peace and as I draw closer to him and step into his presence I can access his peace...peace doesn't come in bed days or funny cravings...peace comes when I draw closer to God whilst I am in a storm. Prayer: God, you know everything about me...what's going on in my life and how I feel...I pray that through this difficult season in my life I will be able to draw closer to you...instead of running away from you...in Jesus Name amen

There all these expectations out there of how a single girl should act...how she should follow God and be married to the church...I believe that and I consider myself married to my church...I love it with all my heart...but there's no sermon about the practical side of things...like what to do when you just want some tlc. One night I found myself wishing I had a man by myself to hold and to love but I knew that wasn't Gods plan for me as yet...so I searched for the correct sermon but nothing was there that could encourage me to stay strong...but through that difficult experience I felt God gave me an idea to share my life and experiences with others...in order to help other Christain girls along this journey to destiny. So this is me Cheryl, a single 22 year old Christain woman who loves The Lord with her whole heart and soul...I lead worship at my church and study psychology at university...I am not perfect but through Christ I am being perfected...hope my blog inspires you in every area of your life.