YOU'RE SOAKING IN IT.

i’ve spent my entire adult life stewarding this writhing mass of (what i thought was self-absorbed, projected) anxiety about my parents getting divorced and what would happen. something i thought about every day, sometimes for hours at a time but absolutely never, ever verbalized because it would become real fear and not imagined fear. well…

1. had some sort of epiphany about the nature of Derivative Works + pivoted to making earnest “love letter to [their fav genre]” tunes

2. started doing it for the gays and girls (or became the gays and girls)

body: 

My dick fat as fuck.

favorite developments: my VOICE, my face shape, having a bit of visible muscle (and the improved pain/proprioception/energy that comes with it), the new chub contours, fuzzy belly, the pheromone

facial hair is decidedly not for me. still assessing how i feel about my shocking amount of body hair, scent, some fat redistribution. i don’t Dislike any of it -- at worst, it breaks even with the stuff i didn’t like when i was not on hormones. i’ve had terrible acne all my life, so whatever

my high pain tolerance has soared to disturbing new heights, i am a danger to myself sometimes LMAO. i reach into the skillet of hot oil and feel nothing

everything happened so, so quickly!? not even in comparison to other people or any of my own expectations (well-informed, IMO: i once had a summer gig teaching “trans competency” to shithead medical professionals, social workers, pre-law students etc. and spent 12 years in close quarters w/ dozens of people going on and off T), but i was still shocked how much work my “micro dose” did in the first couple of months and how much more has happened on that same dose :O of course, caveat for “living in constant uncomfortable bodily awareness makes it very easy to notice small changes”

my period really ruined my entire life for 10 days to months on end and resisted every single treatment attempt... just to go out PITIFUL after 2 months of low dose T!? i’m SO grateful!!!!

brain:

EMOTIONAL REGULATION? wow! i feel complex about how the highs and lows have been blunted, but it’s not like i feel “less” -- the dial just moves slower + doesn’t register smaller changes. i’ve been a hypervigilant Raw Fuckin Nerve my entire life, so i had sensitivity to spare and this is arguably the biggest quality of life change aside from reduced pain lol

i don’t regret waiting. i probably would have been just as happy if i followed thru back in 2011, i’ll never know -- i felt equally confident in / haunted by my decision to NOT take it and i suspect i would’ve felt similarly if i DID, i’m just like that!! there’s nothing left to haunt me now, even the possibility of deciding T isn’t for me further down the line. that actually sounds pretty fun :)