Ephemeral Sonder

• depression 

• anxiety 

• eating disorder 

• self-harm

• ocd 

• bipolar 

• feelings of guilt and hopelessness 

• suicidal thoughts 

We can assume that we are not in the usual state of ourselves if we do things we never do before. Taking a huge step is a big deal since we don't have a clear vision of what the results of our actions will become in the future. Although blurry, we are still eyeing to a specific fate — just like the tossing and flipping of a coin, we have already plotted in our minds what we really desire, either be it heads or tails. Even if we try to improve or just be our best selves, we'll never know the probability of our losing and winning.

Some already have been torn into pieces, and tried to tie and stitch their broken fragments alone. Withdrawn, they strived to survive and move forward, not looking to a possibility of making things like these happen again. But, would it be a meaningful leap if we let ourselves be open and available again? Would it be a significant one if we ready ourselves to be shattered likewise?

When staring at the night skies, we often watch as the moon smiles. While in our heads, we imagine scenes with someone we visualize in front of the many stars we failed to see.

There are moments that we close our eyes and pray for specific things we want to receive and people we want to spend time with. We already have a complete ideation of them, but what if we receive the otherwise? Would it have the same content we asked for but of a different packaging? What if we ourselves are given as presents yet neglected?

We don't want to break our own hearts by expecting people to be attached to us as we are to them. Maybe we are just being afraid of someone losing interest in us after getting so into them?

We are prisoners of our own thoughts, caught in the current of its flood. We tend to break our own rules then overthink of things we are unsure. Sometimes, we weep that we can't even speak a word and just fall asleep until our eyes runs dry for tears. Are these words that we can't speak worthy to be heard? Are tears and cries the only source of healing no matter how much we try?

My phone’s memory is getting low. I decided to browse my gallery to delete some photos then I found ours.

I smiled.

We look so happy together. Both of us were laughing, glad to have each other. There were sparkles in our eyes, hoping it could last a lifetime.

At 13 years old, I had my first panic attack and I was so confused. I was sitting in a maths lesson and my heart started pounding. My hands became clammy, my breathing started to pick up, and my vision went blurry. I can’t remember what happened after that. The next thing I remember was sitting outside the classroom with my teacher kneeling in front of me looking shocked. She told me I had a panic attack, and as soon as I got home I made it my mission to know everything about them.

Panic attacks aren’t uncommon. 1.5 percent of the U.S. population (about 3.3 million American adults) age 18 and older will experience a panic attack in a year. This is an incredible number. Most of the time, people don’t realise that they are having a panic attack as it often feels like a heart attack. But it’s important to know what is happening so you can stop it and prevent it in the future.

My panic attacks generally happen when I’ve been subconsciously worrying about something. My anxiety will……

Life is better

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1🌼Are you named after anyone?

2🌼Do you have/want children?

3🌼Are there any fictional characters you relate to/identify with?

4🌼What are you currently wearing?

5🌼Do you have any plants?

6🌼What are your favourite animals?

7🌼Describe your aesthetic in emojis.

8🌼Do you have any ‘bad’ habits?

9🌼What is your sexuality?

10🌼What’s the last song you sang to?

11🌼What are your favourite colours?

12🌼What have you eaten today?

13🌼What is your home situation like?

14🌼Are you an introvert, ambivert or an extrovert?

15🌼Describe your current mood in emojis.