Dear you

“I want you to stay but if you need to leave, leave now before I need you to stay.”

“I want you to stay but if you need to leave, leave now before I need you to stay.”

““You’re mine” he whispered. I smiled, “but were you ever mine?” I muttered back.”

“I still miss him. I know I shouldn’t, and I thought I wouldn’t anymore. But it’s all the little things that trigger lingering memories that remind me: I miss everything about him. I miss, all the stolen glances between our chores. I miss, how safe and reassuring his hands felt when he guided me through crowds. I miss, how he’d always get a little angry when he found out I forgot a meal. I miss, how he’d always remind me to wear sunscreen because he was afraid I was going to burn. I miss, the twinkle in his eyes when we teased each other. I miss, how he would take me out of my comfort zone in a comfortable kind of way. I miss, how he would give me hugs to keep me warm because I was always was kind of cold. I miss, the random cute animal pictures he would send me. It’s when I’m walking down the street and I smell his cologne. Or when I end up at the pub where we first got to really know each other. It’s when I see something he once mentioned he wanted and I debate whether I should get it for him. It’s when I wake up and forget he’s not a part of my life anymore. It’s when I least expect it and at the most unexpected times these lingering memories will surface. Sometimes they make me smile, and other times I have to fight the urge to call or text him.”

““Do you think we’ll still be together five years from now?” “I don’t know” “"I don’t know”? Haha well it must be you falling out of love with me then.“ “I’ll love you, but I can’t guarantee I’ll be lovable.””

““Things haven’t been going well for you recently, has it?” “No, it hasn’t. But I’m okay, I swear. ” “I wish I was wrong about that, and I wish you didn’t have to lie to me. I know that you think you can do this alone, I believe you can too. You’re strong, and you think you’re the only one who should tolerate this pain but I too can tolerate it.” “You shouldn’t have too! I know what this feels like and I don’t want you feeling it too. I don’t want you to ever have to experience this.” “I’m here for you, you know that. And I know you’re brave and strong to get through this battle. But if you ever need help, feel lonely or just need a solider, I’m right behind you. I’ll be waiting for you to come back until then. Win or lose, I’ll be waiting for you with open arms to come back to me.“”

“I don’t have the courage to leave but I don’t have the strength to stay.”

“He says he loves me, he says he misses me and maybe to some degree he does. But I know, if I made him choose, it wouldn’t be me.”

“That was the thing with us. Although we were together, we were never really together. So we never really got an end, even when it was over.”

“You told me I was both the nice girl and the bad guy. That you didn’t know if I was nice being bad or bad pretending to be nice and that scared you. “You have the most genuine kindness in you but somehow trouble finds you. And it doesn’t just find you, it thrives because of you.” You said, “you have the Midas touch but instead of turning things into gold, you poison it.” “I was poison but I put you out of your misery.” I rebutted, “I know you resent me for what happened but I know I made you happy.””

“Don’t confuse my missing him for me wanting to be with him again. We were great when we were happy. We were great when we hugged like we were never going to see each other again. We were great when we had lunch at all his favorite restaurants. We were great when we made our own adventures. We were great when we were together. But we were also so, so, dysfunctional. We were great until the sunset and we were left alone to fight our monsters. We were great until the hugs were over and the fights began. We were great until I saw how power hungry he was. We were great until our adventure turned into a hunt, and I was the prey. We were great until we were alone. So, yes, at times do I miss him and he’s all that I think about. But like how I remember all the great things, I remember what happened after and between these great things. Which might not even be great things after all, but a prelude. A prelude to all the things he had to “soften” me for.”

“You know we always blamed it on bad timing. Maybe we were just wrong for each other but it gave us an opportunity for second chance.”

“I know what you have to give up to be with me. I know how much you have to give up and that’s why I can’t be with you. If by chance we don’t work out. If we are no longer meant to be. If fate decides to go against us. I don’t want you to hate me. I don’t want you to regret me.”

“You would have done anything to be with me, except be with me.”

“It was a dream getting to know you and a nightmare trying to forget you.”