Just thinking.

I thought you should know, the lack of your presence keeps my mind racing. Thoughts of you, yes – but more so today, thoughts of me.

Thoughts of who I am, what I love, innately. These are thoughts that I’ve always had, since I was a little girl. For the longest time, I assumed my identity was still unwritten – that there was still too much to experience, too much to see, too many people to meet, and too much time alone before ultimately knowing who I am, and what I love.

But, sitting here just thinking… I believe I’ve always known. As a little girl, I grew up in the safest arms. My mother smothered me with affection. Affirmations of love, feeling valued, understood. Always told I was set out to do great things. There were flaws to my Mother’s love, yes. I grew up with a little voice. Before pieces of my life fell apart, I grew up naive; as if the world was delicate and kind. I don’t think I was ever prepared for reality, until reality hit me.

And it was that experience, the experience of warmth, gratitude and overwhelming love; mixed with the harsh cruelness of the world, losing who I saw as my real father, losing the stability of my home, and then losing a friend who had given me comfort throughout all of that – that is what has made me who I am.

Turmoil teaches you. Cruel experiences, teach you. But throughout everything endured, I have and always will be warm, gentle and kind. I will always face adversity with optimism and light. Because that is who I am, innately. I know this life here on earth is so good. So beautiful.

And so, these thoughts have led me to this conclusion – I am open. A soul split right down the middle, and I am vulnerable. I love to love. I love to feel. I love the rawness of others, and allowing flaws to be the one thing that sets a human aside from the next. The flaws, the density, the individuality of a person. That’s what I love.

I promised myself I would never live an ordinary life, that throughout everything presented, everything the universe puts right in front of my face – there will be meaning to it. Entrances and exits, all meaningful, all divine. This doesn’t mean I expect an extraordinary life – money and luxuries, no. I expect fulfillment. To never settle for anything other than a dense, happy journey. Wherever I am, I want to experience my love for life on top of mountains, in local coffee shops, deep within the pages of a book – in my home, every single night. I expect soul fulfillment and nothing less.

But I never meant to say any of those things Words can sound so cruel when you speak before you think

Oh I was wrong

And all the sweetest flowers that in the forrest grew.”

ainslie hogarth motherthing