the simp siren

“You really think I got time for that?” I said yet again. “It won’t be long! You don’t seem to have a lot of workload today!” Jaehyun protested for the millionth time. It felt like we have been exchanging the same sentences for a whole hour now. I didn’t know why Jaehyun wanted to go to this new café so much. All I knew was the fact that it was owned by a group of students from our college. I would have barely knew them. Better yet, complete strangers. But I guess Jaehyun had a connection, seeing as how he’s been pestering me about this for a week now.

“What are they to you that you’re so desperate to visit?” I questioned, taking a bite of my sandwich as I looked away from Jaehyun to see the clear bright sky painted with blue and white. “Firstly, I know all of them since I did take care of them during their freshmen year.” When Jaehyun explained his first point, I instantly remembered the time I was in freshmen year. And Jaehyun indeed took a few students under his wing for a few months. And though I was assigned to another senior, Jaehyun was always around to check up on me. That’s what got me to be his friend today. “And secondly, they gave me a special invite for me to head there before they officially open.”

I quirked an eyebrow in a questioning manner. “So we get free food and drinks?” Jaehyun’s frown turned into a wide smirk almost instantly. He knew me. “Of course we do.” Jaehyun said with a sly tone. I was already settled on accepting his offer right then and there. I mean, who wouldn’t accept free food? Jaehyun knew I was the type to take up any offer than was free of charge, no money required. He knew I was a cheapskate. “You’re tempted now, aren’t you?” Jaehyun whispered, bringing his face close to mine to examine my every feature. The wary look in my eyes, the smile that unconsciously formed on my lips, the slight blush at the thought of free food.

“I hate you.” I finished my last bite of sandwich and stood up from the bench, grabbing my bag and slinging it onto one shoulder and stomping away in exasperation. “See you tomorrow!” Jaehyun shouted, a loud chuckle following after with it slowly drowned out to nothing as I made my way back to my dorms. When I got back, I threw my bag onto my study table and plopped onto my bed. For some reason, today felt exhausting. And I didn’t know what made it like that. I guess I could blame my lecturer, his monotonous voice was sending the class to sleep. But I was then reminded of the other reason when my stomach grumbled. I glanced down to my stomach and placed a hand there, feeling it tighten as its need for food and replenishment grew.

I groaned as I pushed myself out of bed and went for the kitchen. I frowned deeply at the remembrance that I had no food in my kitchen. I wasn’t big of a cook, and I was honestly too lazy to even do so. There weren’t any snacks I could eat for the time being either. “Am I this broke?” I asked myself, leaning against the kitchen counter and resting my chin on the palm of my hand. I took out my phone and placed it on the table. It was then that I remembered about Jaehyun’s request to the café. “When even is it?” I whispered, eyebrows knitting together as I went ahead to text Jaehyun for the details. He replied me in a matter of seconds, saying that it’s tomorrow but we were able to go whenever we liked for this whole week.

I pressed the call button on Jaehyun’s contact, his voice going into a monotonous “What?” the moment he picked up. “You’re free right now, right?” I asked. Jaehyun hummed. “Meet me at the main building in an hour.” Before Jaehyun could even give a response, I ended the call, knowing he would be there waiting for me regardless. I absentmindedly had a smile on my face with the thought of outdoor food. But my expression went to a quizzical one when I went to the college’s Twitter to see if there were any updates on this café situation. “Seven students from different departments... opening a café in a month’s time.” The tweet gave basic details, but they didn’t even state who exactly were the seven.

Either way, I skipped my way to my room. I didn’t know what kind of food or drinks they’d sell. But at this point, all I really cared about was the food to satisfy my desperate stomach. And hey, if it tastes good, I guess there wouldn’t be any harm to get myself out of the drowning piles of assignments to enjoy an hour or so outdoors. A new scenery to admire. That I hoped wouldn’t be a wasted of time. I got there just slightly over an hour, seeing as how my shower time increased when I had to wash and dry my hair from sweating all day in the burning heat.

Jaehyun was there and he already began walking when I have yet to even reach. I took bigger steps and eventually had to run a little to catch up to his fast pace. “Can you slow down?” I breathed, panting ever so slightly as I continued to match Jaehyun’s long strides down the pathway out of campus. “Well they just texted me saying to hurry because they miss me.” Jaehyun said, a soft smile appearing on his lips and he glanced down to check his phone. I bobbed my shoulders and nodded my head in understanding. “I never knew you were so close to them. You never told me.” Jaehyun reciprocated my shrug, a blasé, god-could-care sort of way. “We just seemingly grew closer I guess.” He answered noncommittally.

Jaehyun simply continued walking when we were out of campus, and I simply followed. And to my surprise, the café wasn’t far at all. In fact, it took us merely ten minutes to reach. However, the place was seemingly hidden. It was in a line of other shops that made the café look invisible. You had to go through two shops and take a staircase up to the second floor. Anyone would have passed it if they didn’t see the café’s sign right beside the staircase. The logo looked simple— the words Café 7 Dream written in caps in a circle, with an animated character in between. The colours were vibrant yet it would be shadowed by the other shops.

I followed Jaehyun up the short flight of stairs. Once he was at the top, he turned to the right and pushed open a glass door. I followed suit. I couldn’t help but have my eyes wide opened when I entered. I initially wanted to refrain myself from looking too surprised, but you could say mine was covered when Jaehyun gasped loudly and had his jaw drop to the floor, his mouth hanging open. I only had Jaehyun’s attention when he shouted, “Yo this looks awesome!” I turned my head from the wall length window that gave the perfect view of the beautiful neighbourhood. In truth, I was glad to go to a college with this much beauty surrounding it. I wasn’t met with old rotting buildings and the sights of your average neighbourhood. Mine was, you could say upgraded. Urbanised. Everything was polished and new. And the huge window second floor café gave just the view to oversee it all. It was certainly a breath of fresh air.

As for the aesthetics of the café, it was simply all white. Not a lot to offer, but I liked the simplicity. The tables and stools were lower than what I’d expected. But there were proper tables and chairs right at the corner of the café, with the counter and workspace just a few feet beside it. It was Jaehyun’s voice that had my attention on him for a split second before I immediately adverted my gaze to the seven men lined up behind the counter. I widened my eyes further to the point where I was afraid that they could fall out of my eye sockets.

They were gorgeous, beautiful. I have seen them before. Only in freshmen year. It looked like they were now in their glow up game. Their hairs were dyed in a wide variety of colours, but it somehow looks unified. It captured all the sunlight that came through the window, as if wanting to keep it for themselves and have it shine its light only on them. I could tell all their features from where I was standing, which was quite far since I was standing by the window. Their features were prominent and their faces were perfectly structured. I seriously wondered why I’ve never noticed them till now. Part of reason could have been that I’ve never seen them since freshmen year when they’ve never caught my eye. But the other reason could have been that I’ve never heard any rumours about them anywhere.

Usually people would talk about such things, boys. But I guess I was never around to hear them, or they never spread to begin with. Maybe they had their identities hidden for some reason. Because I was really questioning why I’ve never seen such beauty and good looking people all in one room for so long. It must have slipped my mind that I had my head turned to them when one of them shouted, “Hey there!” I blinked my eyes and shook my head quickly to clear slate of their attractiveness. My mouth remained agape still as I lifted up a hand and waved back at the light brown haired guy who had a cute baby face, still good looking.

I quickly rushed to stand beside Jaehyun, forcing myself to smile as if I had not been staring at them for a whole minute. “Hey.” I waved back. Jaehyun took a step forward and faced me, a hand gesturing out to the guy standing at the end of the line. “So this is Renjun, Mark, Haechan, Jisung, Chenle, Jeno, and Jaemin.” In their single file, I trailed my eyes along each of them, our eyes meeting very briefly and I felt my breath catching in my throat for a second each time as I wished to look at them longer but refrained myself from doing so. I forced out a short laugh and brought a hand up to rub the back of my neck, which was now sweaty against my palm. Was I this nervous to see men? I guess I was. I never seen them in way too long of a time. Jaehyun was the only ever man I admired for his looks and brains.

They all smiled and I felt like wanting to swoon and have Jaehyun catch me right then and there. Unfortunately, that could only stay in my imagination. I kept my posture straight, nothing more than a kind smile and attentive eyes on them. Jaehyun now looked at me after introducing all seven of them. “Let’s sit down.” Jaehyun glanced back at them and grinned widely, with them reciprocating it immediately with a downshift of their heads while a few bowed and went back to do their separate duties. We decided to sit at the corner where the tables and chairs were. I rushed for my seat and sat down, eagerly waiting for Jaehyun do to the same. And the moment he did so, I leaned in with shoulders up high and eyes full of intent. “You never told me all your juniors are attractive.” I whispered in an angry tone.

“Why didn’t you introduce me to any of them?” My emphasis on the word or the whole question itself had Jaehyun raising both his eyebrows and scoffing with much amusement. “Who was it that said they wouldn’t want a lover to distract her from doing college and concentrate fully on herself for individual growth?” Jaehyun taunted, batting his eyelids at me as I vividly remembered myself making that promise at the very start and was able to uphold it. Well, until now. “Get one of them to marry me.” I fired back, smacking Jaehyun’s arm so hard that it made him wince. But I knew he was exaggerating it only the tiniest bit. I couldn’t help myself from stealing glances at them every second.

Jaehyun jerked his elbow against mine to get hmy attention, which he only received after a long moment. “Seriously?” Jaehyun muttered. I grinned till my eyes formed a thin line and I nodded. “Seriously.” The two of us instantly grew quiet when one of them, which I could remembered to be Haechan came to us through the swinging door of the workplace with a what I assumed to be a menu in hand. “Glad to be at you service. I’m Haechan, and here’s the menu.” He placed a big card on the table and slide it to the center. Jaehyun had his eyes on Haechan the whole time till he travelled down and made eye contact with the paper on a small clipboard in his hand. “Do we fill that up?” He asked.

Haechan furiously shook his head. “Oh no don’t worry I’ll have it filled up for you guys.” Haechan looked to each of us and gave a smile. His extremely amicable tone and expression could already make me tell that he was a bright person indeed. Like sunshine. “I’ll have a Fullsun Ade. And a random mini cake.” Haechan was quick to take it down and adverted his attention to me, which made my heart skip a beat. “Um I guess I’ll take the Jeno Latte and random cookie sand?” My voice accidentally let it out as a question but Haechan simply took it down and nodded his head with affirmation. “Alright please wait awhile and we’ll have it ready.”

“You don’t have to be this formal with me, Haechan.” Jaehyun pointed just when Haechan spun around. He turned back and blinked his eyes twice. “But I’m putting on a good impression for our actual first customer.” Haehan jerked his head in my direction and my eyes widened just a fraction as he flashed me a smile yet again. He hummed and downshifted his head before sliding himself out and heading back to the workplace and telling the rest to get to work. I pursed my lips and raised both my eyebrows as I watched his back, my eyes travelling from one guy to the other. “God stop you look weird.” Jaehyun said with an annoyed tone, a feign exasperated huff leaving his lips. I giggled and placed my pointer finger to my lips. “Sh.” I whispered ever so softly and gave a playful wink to which Jaehyun responded with a grimace and looked out to the scenery.

Meanwhile, I had my eyes on them. Each of them were doing their jobs, but at the same time being playful like kids. Never ending silent giggles and bickering could be heard the whole time. My attention would go off them briefly to take a glance at the window’s view, and then I was back to admire a different kind. However, one stood out to me. The one in the deepest end of the workplace. Basically the corner. If I remembered correctly, he’s Jeno. He seemed to be the only one that was concentrated on making the drink, his drink. He occasionally responded to the chaos of his friends, but he was mostly focused with the help of the guy Jaemin beside him and having small talks.

His bright blonde hair really stood out to me. And his side profile was nevertheless breathtaking. Don’t get me wrong, all of them were good looking and any girl would have their breath taken away if any of them were even miles away. But something about him... hit different. His hands worked gracefully and he seemed to have a delicate touch. He kept smiling to himself, which I found to be adorable. He was probably reacting when overhearing his friends but didn’t want to take his attention fully off the task at hand. For some reason, he was the one that stood out to me the most. “Jaehyun’s order is here!” Haechan shouted, waving an arm up in the air with no specific direction as to who he was waving at.

“Oi Canada deliver it.” Haechan jerked his head to the counter where it had Jaehyun’s drink. But I saw that the mini cake was still on the cake stand. Mark frowned and turned to him. “I’m not even done with the cake!” Mark retorted, proceeding to quickly add final touches of sweets and other small goods as decoration before sliding it off the cake stand and making its way into a plate that Renjun prepared. Mark hustled out of the workplace and held the plate on one hand and drink on the other. In all honesty, the distance between the workplace and the table were so short, I could take a few steps and take it myself. But I guess they wanted to provide their hest service possible, so I decided to stay put.

Mark had dark blue hair, which suited him really well. His face was immensely stunning and had the face of a foreigner. He did come from Canada after all, I assumed. “Thank for coming again, Jaehyun. We really appreciate it.” Jaehyun pulled the plate and drink that Mark placed down, glancing at it before looking up to Mark with happy eyes and a bright smile. “Of course.” He simply said and Mark left us to be while they made my order. Out of habit, I pulled the drink in front of me, begging to examine it. It looked very cute. It had a sticker of a sun which I guess was Haechan’s character. The drink was a beautiful gradient of yellow to semi translucent and it had leaves and a slide of lemon. What I found most appealing was the finishing touch of a heart shaped pink straw.

Jaehyun didn’t mind me taking his drink. It had been something I’ve always done, taking his food whenever mine has yet to come. He grew to get used to it, so he didn’t even bother. I took a sip and hummed in delight the moment the liquid hit my tongue and my tastebuds were satisfied with a wave of deliciousness. It was refreshing as the drink went down my throat. My couldn’t help but have my eyes widen ever so slightly. “Holy shit.” I muttered, leaning in to take another sip. Just while I had my eyes closed and humming again dreamily, Jaehyun slides the drinks out of my reach and instantly dipped down to have his taste. Jaehyun nodded in approval within seconds. “This is actually good.” I chuckled and nodded my head as well in agreement.

My attention then turned to the cake. With eyes that could replicate the ones with big stars in anime shows, I brought close to me and giggled at the decoration on top of the cake. It looked good, but it seemed like a five year old was the one that decorated it. I could tell Mark was trying to make it ass appealing as possible, but the few slips of mistake made me smile to myself just a little at his clumsiness. I grabbed a fork and dig in, the pitch of my hum going high as I chewed as let myself sink into the taste like a bath. Jaehyun snatched the fork out of my hand and took a bite for himself. He did a one on one replication of my reaction. “It’s been so long since I’ve tasted something this good.”

“Tell me about it.” I moaned out after finishing my bite and swallowing it down. I smacked my lips and turned my attention to the guys. My eyes absentmindedly made its way to Jeno, again silently preparing the Jeno Latte while admiring the noises from his friends. I licked my lips, turning to Jaehyun’s drink to steal another sip. I only ordered latte for the sole purpose of hoping it’ll help me stay up late tonight to study. The random cookies was just something I picked out for the fun of it. The wait wasn’t long at all and now Jisung was the one that came to serve me my food. “Thanks.” I muttered, flashing a kind smile. His giggled softly and shyly went away. He really seemed like the kid and youngest among all of them, seeing how he keeps getting targetted by the rest but is showered with love the next moment.

The Jeno Latte and cookies I got was just as appetising as the food that Jaehyun got so I went in for a taste instantly. I wasn’t surprise to find out that it tasted good as well. Jaehyun and I ate silently for awhile, talking about how college is going. I never understood how Jaehyun could be so smart and yet be able to have tons of fun off campus. I thought being a law major would take up hours of your free time. “Time management.” Jaehyun always reminded me. But that was something I just could never grasp. I’d either get too lazy, or be too uptight that I solely focus on my studies that I lose track of everything else in the world. I’m currently in the phase of the latter, until now.

Jaehyun was talking to me when my eyes slowly trailed off his attention and to the guys, who seemed to be sitting on the tables and stools not far away from where we were. I guess it was their break time. They were talking loudly and laughter spread its noise around the café in no time. A soft smile left my lips as I somehow felt that they liven up the atmosphere so much. Even if it wasn’t for me. It’s nice to hear it. I was left with finishing my drink, and with every sip I’d think about how Jeno made it. I shocked myself whenever Jeno popped into my mind. What was it about him that had my mind so wrapped up about?

“Earth to _____? You there?” I came zinging back to reality when I heard Jaehyun talking. “Huh?” I asked, shaking my head to shake the thoughts away. “You know... I could help you ask them for their numbers.” I widened my eyes and shook my head even more furiously than before. “What? No, it’s fine.” I leaned forward and rest my chin on the palm of my hand, my head slowly turning back to the direction of the guys. They were in their own little world, a carefree atmosphere that give zero notice for the world. I smiled softly again.

“Seems like suddenly I have a much better view in this neighbourhood that I thought was getting boring.”

—I wanna see her again. Maybe I'll just be a friend. Or a lover to lean on.

Jeno couldn’t help but finally try to breathe normally the moment she and Jaehyun left the café. It’s as if her presence held his breath for the longest time. But for some reason, he wasn’t suffering for one second the whole way. “Jeno, are you okay?” Haechan’s words suddenly rang through his ears and he shot his head to him. It was then that he realised he was probably showing too much, to the point where it seemed like he was panting. “I’m fine.”

Renjun chuckled beside him, resting his arm on his shoulder and leaning in close to Jeno’s face. He grimaced at the sight and back his body away a few inches. “The fuck is wrong with you?” Jeno asked as the wide smirk on Renjun’s face creepily appeared. “It’s so obvious you were shaken up by that girl. You know she’s been staring at us. I think specifically you.” As much as Jeno wanted to deny it, it was indeed true. From the moment she stepped in, Jeno already had his eyes on her. And he could tell she felt them drilling into her back, seeing how she was staring at him as well. Jeno frowned a little. “Maybe not.” He thought. She seemed to be head over heels for all seven of them.

Jeno liked the way she smiled. The way she loved looking at the view the café had through the window. The way she took time to register their names and faces while Jaehyun introduced them. She stared at all of us, examining their features and what made them unique. He liked how she carelessly took Jaehyun’s food the moment it arrived first, as if she didn’t care about how Jaehyun react. She was extremely pretty too. Jeno was instantly drawn into her looks and it seemed like all the light from the world had dimmed itself down just to give focus onto her, and her only. You could say Jeno experienced love at first sight.

“I swear I could see him trying not to look at her every second.” Jisung added on, only making Jeno roll his eyes. “So?” Jeno lashed out, twirling his body around on the stool to stand up and fold his arms, walking where? He himself didn’t know, so he simply stood there awkwardly and turned around to face them. “So you should talk to her the next time she comes.” Jaemin, Jeno’s closest friend among all of them lets out, crossing one leg over the other with relaxation. Jeno huffed silently and glanced down to his feet, slowly shaking his head. “I don’t want to.” He said. “Don’t tell me it’s because of what happened last year, Jeno...” Mark looked up to Jeno with worried eyes. Of course it’s because of that.

It’s been long since Jeno fell in love. He never had his eyes on anyone after that one incident of the girl he liked for so long turning against him and pouring him with humiliation for a whole year during high school. That incident left a permanent scar on Jeno’s heart, one that he knew he could never mend. Everything was still vividly etched into his memory. And no matter how deep Jeno buried them, some nights it’ll resurface, and send him down the rabbit hole of the darkest period of his life. But that was when he met his friends. This group of friends. And as if fate had fallen on him, they all went to the same college. His happiness and light was solely on them, and he’d give his all for the six. And it’s because of his love for their friendship that he was able to forget about wanting a significant other, he felt that he didn’t need one.

Until he saw her.

“If she comes back.” Jeno emphasised the first one with quick speed and exaggeration. He could only hope that fate would shine some light on him again. Jeno smacked his lips and looked up from the floor, forcing a tapped-up smile as if the thought of not being able to see her again filled up in his chest but he needed to press it down. “Oh come on, she will. Didn’t you see how she kept staring at us? She’ll come just to look at our faces.” Renjun commented. “I wish it was just me.” Jeno replied in his mind mentally, but all he was able to let out was, “Sure, I guess.” With a careless shrug. “Hm but why haven’t we seen on campus before?” Jisung asked in a hushed tone, his hand scratching his head unconsciously.

Jisung was right though. Jeno had never seen her. Indeed there were a lot students on campus. But he felt that he was familiar with almost everyone that walked down the hallways. Stranger, acquaintances, classmates. He’d at least recognise their faces. But why hasn’t she come to mind at all? It’s as if she was invisible his entire college life, and she caught Jeno’s attention only now. “Different majors. Different lecture times. Isn’t it obvious?” Renjun replied. The room fell silent, allowing Jeno to sink deeper into his thoughts. He repeated what Renjun said in his head. It could’ve been true. But most students would hang out on campus before or after lectures for hours on end, simply lounging around and doing nothing but just having their presence there. Was she the type to go straight back to the dorms after lecture?

More thinking resulted in more questions about her. Questions that Jeno wished he’d know the answers to. But then again, he couldn’t expect to know much. It was the first time they met, the first time they laid their eyes on each other. Nothing was certain, and everything felt unknown. One thing’s for sure. Jeno certainly want to see her again soon.

—I'm catching the pieces again. Of a heart that would like to pretend. That it isn't bleeding.

I just came out of lecture. My feet was dragging against the rough stone floor with my back hunched over and my face bored. I was barely able to get any sleep last night, doing draft after draft after draft for my architecture assignment. Although I liked being in the major, sometimes I do contemplate my decisions. Today was no different. My eyes were half open and my mind was solely focus on going back to the dorms, to my bed, wanting to wraps myself up in my fluffy blanket and sleep for ten hours straight.

“Hey, _____?” I heard a voice. It took awhile for my brain to register it, with me groaning softly and humming in question. I lifted my head up to force it to sit right in my neck. I adjusted my vision. And I almost stumbled back. “Taeyong?” This can’t be happening. I’m not dreaming. Lee Taeyong, my ex boyfriend. “Get away from me.” My instincts were at its peak. I was too tired, and I knew my feelings of suppressed anger would begin bubbling up the more I stayed in his presence. I distanced myself away from him slowly and quickly walked forward. I knew him too well. He already had his fingers wrapped around my thin wrist. “I just want a moment.” I heaved a soft sight and forced myself to turn. I was expressionless. I didn’t care about anything he would say next.

“I just... um well...” I could tell he was trying to form up a sentence, but the constant stuttering made it difficult for me to make sense of anything. I huffed and shook my head. Suddenly I was getting a headache and I felt like dropping on the floor to sleep right then and there. “If you don’t have anything to say-” “I miss you, okay? That’s what I wanted to say.” My breathing hitched in my chest. His words longed itself into me, making me freeze in my spot. No, this can’t be happening now. Not right now, when I’m in this state, when my mind is too vulnerable and my whole being was not in its right place. “Taeyong...” I whispered, my voice giving him the reaction to soften his grip on my wrist.

“You know I can’t do this. We can’t do this. And I seriously don’t have the time anymore.” I quickly slid my wrist out of Taeyong’s reach when given the chance. Taeyong’s hand reached out just a fraction, but he pulled it back and rubbed his palm awkwardly on his jeans, glancing away before shakily meeting my eyes. “Why? I’m sorry. You can tell I mean it, right?” I hated how his voice sound so sweet, so sincere. When none of these feelings were even true in the first place. I loved Taeyong, I really did. But he was nothing like how he’s being now. Arrogant, careless, cold. Since when was he this... vulnerable? “No. I’m tired. I can’t do this right now, Taeyong.”

Anger was starting to bubble up in me just as I expected. I ran a hand through my hair in frustration, adjusting my bag that was slung on one shoulder and making an attempt to straighten my body. “Don’t come back to me. Just don’t.” I walked past Taeyong. And luckily, he didn’t try to chase after me. I glanced back for a brief moment, and all I saw was him standing there, motionless like all of life has been sucked out of him. “As you should.” I muttered. He’s getting what he deserved. I won’t put up with him any longer. While I walked down the hall, my body grew more heavy than it was before. The headache was getting unbearable and now I was staring to feel the need to eat.

I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. One place popped up. The café. I quicken my pace to get there as fast as possible. And by the time I reached the staircase, it was already evening. I climbed up the stairs which little to no energy, my bag bringing the weight of my body down so much I felt like collapsing. I finally made it to the door, pushing it open. My head was hung low, and I made my way to the first seat I saw. I pressed my hands to my head as I leaned into the table to try and suppress my headache. But it was only getting worse with each dreadful second passing by. “Hey, are you okay?” I groaned and lifted my head up with all energy I had, meeting my eyes with the one and only Jeno.

“No I’m not. I feel like dying.” My voice began breaking and I shocked myself with just how weak I was. Did college really made me this bad? Made me stoop this low? “Oh um- hold on. I’ll get you some water.” Jeno went away and I could hear his feet shuffling quickly, coming back with a glass full of water and placing it on the table, my eyes following as he slide it in front of me. “There. Please drink. You look terrible.” Jeno commented, proceeding to take a seat next to me with his hands on his knees and leaning in to examine my current state. I scoffed softly, bringing the cup to my lips and downing half of it and slammed it back down on the table, which surprisingly made Jeno flinch beside me.

“I’d rather get drunk or die.” I mumbled under my breath, but if was loud enough for him to hear. “It’s kind of early to get drunk.” Jeno replied softly, as if not knowing whether my statement was expecting a reply or not. I furrowed my eyebrows and lifted my eyes off the cup of water, seeing how the whole café was coloured in a hue of orange. I turned to the window, my eyes meeting with the sunset sky that was painted with various colours and shades of orange to yellow with spots of pink and red. “Wow.” I let out, the silence of the café got my voice to echo through. Jeno hummed in reply and I turned my attention onto him.

I took time to look at Jeno. His blonde hair was just a tad bit messy. Being up close made me realise that he was ten times more good looking than when I last saw him. His skin was as clear as day with features so perfect you’d hardly find anyone that looked even close to him. His lips where a soft shade of pink and smooth. He was wearing a white shirt underneath the dark blue apron just like last time. But it was only now that I could see the muscles of his arms peeking through his sleeves ever so slightly. “We picked this place specifically just to get that view.” Jeno said, his voice just a whisper as he leaned in closer. Not too close till it was uncomfortable, but I could certainly feel my face about to heat up. “Thoughtful indeed. That’s nice.” I breathed out.

“What are you doing here, if I may ask?” Jeno tilted his head as he asked, and I placed the cup down after finishing the last sip of water. “I just... need something to eat. My body hates me right now and so does my mind if I keep thinking about-” I thought for a second before resuming, not wanting to mention Taeyong’s name out loud or I’d go on a mad rampage. “Well... yeah.” I awkwardly ended. There was no reaction in Jeno’s expression for a moment. But a soft smile began to crack on his lips, which I couldn’t lie, sent butterflies fluttering down in my stomach. “So of all places where you could have a proper meal, you chose here.” Jeno nodded his head like his assumption was correct. And indeed it was. I had to see a prettier and kinder face than Taeyong’s right now. And Jeno was definitely serving it.

“Question though...” I began. Jeno raised his eyebrows in response. “Where’s the rest of your friends?” It’s as if the question lodged right into him because he sat there frozen for a long while, simply staring into my eyes and only blinking twice. I began to wonder that went through his mind that my question had such an impact on him. “They went out to see some baseball game. Which isn’t really my thing.” Jeno exhaled sharply as he rose up from the stool, making his way to the workplace. “Then what is your thing?” I asked, raising my voice slightly higher for him to hear. Jeno turned around, already standing behind the counter. He cupped his hands on the edge and leaned in, his shoulders raising up a little.

“Ice hockey. The guys and I would play on very special occasions.” Jeno clicked his tongue, wanting to move but stopped mid motion to turn back to me. “What can I get you, by the way? I forgot to ask for your order.” I sucked in my lips and sighed, shaking my head and shrugging. “Anything that’ll make me feel better than I do now?” I wasn’t even sure what I wanted. I’d kill to eat anything right now. Jeno chuckled, his low voice shocking me as to how attractive it was. “Coming right up.” He simply said, his attention going off of me and getting to work.

Again I had my eyes on him the whole time, my mind was still fixated on what got me to be drawn into him this much, as if nothing could break my eyes off him. I sighed and let my head drop on the table, wrapping my arms below to serve as a pillow while I shut my eyes to allow them to rest. My headache got a little better, and my thoughts on Taeyong were slowly drifting away as it made space for me to think of Jeno. I might not know him well, but something in me wanted to know him more. His quiet and minimalist aura gave off a mysterious hue, felt as if he’d be hiding something when there actually isn’t. A simple man, is what I got describe him based on my first impressions.

A knock on the table was suddenly heard, but my senses were not shocked by it and I slowly fluttered my eyes open and lifted my head up, my eyes meeting Jeno’s. “Hope this will do.” He whispered, like his voice could disrupt me from my current state of peace. I gulped and sat my straight, stretching my back and cracking my neck. My eyes trailed from his face and to the food that he proceeded to place in front of me. “I honestly didn’t know what you’d like so I got what you ordered last time. I just gave more cookies.” Jeno shrugged, but something underlying in his voice told me there was more thought being put into it than it should be. I couldn’t help but smile, seeing a whole lot more cookies on the plate than before, and the Jeno Latte seemed as appealing. “Thanks.”

I picked the latte off the table and took a sip, relaxation and calmness hitting me the moment the liquid went down my throat. I licked my bottom lip and looked down at the cookies. Placing the cup down, I grabbed a cookie and held it out to him. “Take one.” I said. Jeno stared at me, and I felt like it went on for the longest time. His eyes constantly flickered from me to the cookie, and when I wasn’t getting an answer, I shoved it closer to him, jerking my head. This time, he made no hesitation to reach for the cookie and shove it whole into his mouth. I giggle at the sudden reaction, watching his cheeks puff up like a squirrel’s.

Jeno smiled sheepishly as he ate silently and so did I, switching from the cookies to the drink. The silence wasn’t at all jarring or awkward, rather peaceful and nice. The silence I shared with Jeno was something I have not experienced in a long time. It wasn’t lonely. That was something both of us must’ve felt. “When are you guys officially opening?” I asked as the sudden question popped up in my head. Jeno hummed, glancing up thoughtfully before looking at me. “If I’m being honest, I don’t have an answer. The guys and I are taking it slow. And we only just had one round of stock coming in to try out the menu.” Jeno grew silent for a moment, his eyes narrowed to the table for a second. “Perhaps a month?” Jeno raised his shoulders with question. I nodded, accepting any answer just to hear him talk.

“So I can come here for a month?” I questioned again. This time my question got him to raise an eyebrow just a fraction. “You aren’t coming after we open?” Jeno threw a question back at me and I breathed out a short laugh, smacking my lips. “From the looks of it, you would be getting a ton of customers. I hate places that are crowded and suffocating.” Jeno folded his arms on the table and leaned in, so much so that his elbow was touching mine. “What makes you think we’ll have a lot of customers?” I scoffed, the side of my lips lifting up a little from doing so. I glanced a way for a moment. “A bunch of handsome guys running a café. Who wouldn’t come?” I tilted my head, raising both eyebrows.

“You’re basing the popularity of our café on our looks and not our abilities in making drinks and snacks? I’m hurt indeed.” Jeno nodded his head in feigned affirmation, making me gasp out a laugh and shaking my head vigorously. “No! No! I mean... well.” I bobbed my shoulders. “That’s exactly what you’re implying.” Jeno doted and I rolled my eyes, chuckling. “You can’t deny that. I bet you know it yourself.” Jeno moved his lips to one side, again he was nodding and this time he had his eyes on the window. The sun had already fully set and just welcomed the ink black dark sky. “I’m on the humble side of my group of friends. But sure, I’ll believe you.” The fact that he could be in denial of his looks made something stir in my stomach. “What’s your major?” I wondered if that was too quick of a topic change, because I saw Jeno leaning back ever so slightly from the sudden question.

“English major. Why’d you ask?” My mouth formed the shape of an ‘O’. But that was all my face did. Instead I had an expressionless look, boring my eyes into Jeno. “What?” “You talk like an English major.” I said, picking up the last piece of cookie and plopping it into my mouth, downing it with the last sip of latte. “And it’s no wonder I’ve never seen you before.” My voice grew softer with each word, my eyes traling along his face, unintentionally going to his lips. I looked back up instantly, locking my gaze onto him. Jeno was frozen in his spot, seemed like he didn’t know what to do, or say. But after a long pause, he finally let’s out, “Your classes are at night.” I hummed in reply. “And I usually don’t have time to venture around campus like Jaehyun.” The two of us let out faint chuckles. Till my phone rang.

The two of us turned our heads to where my phone was placed, just at the edge of the table. Taeyong’s name was shown on screen, clear and intimidating. “What the fuck?” I got scared to the point I couldn’t pick up my phone. I didn’t lean in to check if my eyes were working right, instead I leaned back. I took in a breath and swallowed the mix of feelings that began bubbling in my throat. “You good? Hey...” Jeno reached his body out to me, his hand placed on my elbow, concerned eyes searching mine. “I-I can’t pick that up.” I shook my head furiously, the vivid memories coming back then and there. My nerves were shocked with a wave of intimidation. My eyes blinked rapidly and even my body was shaking. I felt like collapsing.

“Hey, hey. Calm down.” Jeno held me with both his hands on my arms, in an attempt to get me to face him. I looked at his face, then stared at his eyes, but the ringing of the phone kept going into my brain. “Sh.” I was breathing heavily but I slowly got lost in Jeno’s soft eyes, and I slowed my pacing. Jeno lets go of one arm and picked up my phone, his eyes still on me. “I’ll answer.” He whispered, like he was careful and gentle with his words, wary of how I’d react. But I nodded. Jeno pressed the answer button, jerking his head to adjust his hair and placing the phone to his hear. “Hey, sorry but may I know why you’re calling?”

I couldn’t make out what Taeyong was saying over the phone, it was faint and indistinguishable. “She’s with me. And she didn’t look good the moment she saw your name on her phone.” Jeno raised an eyebrow, eyes breaking away from mine for a brief moment to the phone but quickly placed it back to his ear. “I don’t think you’ll be hearing from her any longer. Have a nice day.” Jeno ran flicked some strands off his forehead and held the phone in front of him with mo hesitation to end the call. He placed my phone hard on the table, screen faced down. I was scared that the protection screen would have cracked from the impact.

“It’s okay. You’re okay now. Calm down, please.” Please. Why was he saying please? It’s not his fault I was reacting like this. He placed his hand back on my arm and it felt like his fingertips sent an electric shock through my veins and to my whole body. It was quick and light, I flinched from his touch. He must’ve gotten the wrong impression, because he was searching my eyes again, wondering if what he did just now was wrong in any way. I wish I could talk, tell him that I was okay. But I was still in a phase of trauma and pain. I shut my eyes and placed a hand to my forehead, wincing. “You need to do back. I’ll send you home.” “No.” Jeno was about to stand up but I quickly grasped his arm, his eyes trailed to it before looking at me. “What?”

I sighed. “You’re friends should be coming back and expecting you here.” I voice was weak. Jeno dipped down till his eyes level with mine. With a seemingly calm raspy tone he muttered, “How does that matter when you’re in this state?” I had no answer. I mean of course I did, but I wasn’t able to say any of them. U was still at a loss of words. My mind was messed up with so many thing, so many thoughts. My negative feelings were put onto overdrive in that short span of time and I was still feeling burnt out. Jeno lets out a sound and pulled me up to my feet. “Let me get you back to your dorms.” I shook my head vigorously.

“No. I’ll go myself.” Why was I acting like this? Why was I acting so... defensive? Perhaps it was due to the embarrassment of having a mere stranger see me in this state, in a state even I was not able to fully overcome. Or maybe it was due to how Jeno would think of me after watching me go through that. Being crazed over a phone call. I didn’t know what to think. But in the end, all I wanted to do was to shut myself from the world. Wanting to block everyone. “Stop it. You aren’t okay. I’ll take you back. Like it or not.” Jeno’s stand got me frightened by a mere bit. His tone was sharp and it sounded almost like an order, the way the words rolled off his tongue quick and firm. I yield immediately with reluctance. “Fine.”

Jeno had his grip on my arm, immediately taking my bag and slinging it on his other shoulder while we walked out. At this point, the night has already settled in, and the cold air gave my skin a light pinch. It was cold, but bearable. We were silent yet again. I wasn’t sure if it was due to us not having anything to talk about, or maybe Jeno didn’t want to bother or worsen my state any further by making a conversation. I would be thankful if he actually meant it like that. Nothing seemed to ring my ears other than the leaves that rustled underneath our feet with each step and the breeze floating by. The pathway back to the dorms was lit with an orange hue from the street lamps paving the way. I had my eyes closed for half the time. It’s as if I didn’t need to walk with them open, because I felt the want to trust Jeno.

It wasn’t long before we finally made it to my dorm’s room. “Are you okay from here? Need me to help you get settled?” I was surprised at how kind he was being. I didn’t expect anyone of our level of relationship to be this helpful, but I guess he was just that type of person. And I genuinely adored it. “I’m not a baby.” I said, a soft smile forming on my lips. “Go on. Thanks for shutting Taeyong away from me.” I continued. I reached into my bag that was still on his shoulder for my keys. I unlocked the door and gestured him to pass me my bag. “Delete his number. You still have him in your contacts.” Jeno advised. I took one last look at him before nodding and said, “Goodnight.” I shut the door.

The door closed, and Jeno still stood there. He wanted to go in. He wanted to hang out with her just a bit longer. What he encountered about her at the café was weird indeed. But he saw it as a need to help her. Something about that Taeyong guy made her past so bad to the point where she reacted that badly. It made her look... vulnerable. Jeno felt the need to protect her in that very moment. Yet, she was defensive when Jeno wanted to help. She wanted to stand her ground with independence, no matter what shame she felt from showing that side of her. Jeno was quickly spiralling down the rabbit hole of love. Was it admiration? Simple affection? Or was he genuinely liking this girl? He didn’t know the answer, but she certainly had him feeling things he had longed forgotten.

Jeno took his time to walk back to the café. He assumed his friends would be there already. But no one seemed to be ringing his phone so he guessed not. He wanted to prolong the time he was alone, with him trying to define what exactly he felt for her. But disappointment fell on him when he already reached the café. And all he could think about was her beautiful face. “Where the hell were you?” Renjun called out from the tables the moment Jeno placed his foot into the café. “I went for a walk.” Jeno lied. He had to. If he didn’t, he’d be bombarded with questions by all of them and he wasn’t sure if he could handle that right now. “That’s a shame. The games was so fun!” Jisung exclaimed. It’s as if Jeno could see the games flashing through Jisung’s eyes as he dreamily stared into space.

“I want to play ice hockey.” Jeno said with a frown. They have yet to play this year. And with the making of the café, that time seemed to be long in coming. “We’ll play soon, Jeno. Chill.” Chenle replied. They brought home takeout and Jeno did not hesitate to drop himself in the empty seat between Mark and Jaemin to have himself a bite of a half eaten burger. “You guys seemed to have fun.” Jeno commented, his eyes trailing to each and every one of them at the table as they all nodded and hummed. “Obviously! The team I bet on won!” Haechan threw his hands in the air and laughed triumphantly. Haechan gave a high five to Jaemin and Chenle as the two of them laughed along.

“That wasn’t fair!” Jisung huffed out. The rest were silently wallowing in the disappointment. “Free ice cream tomorrow.” Chenle chuckled. “We’ll close up at ten?” Renjun questioned. Jeno looked up to the clock on the wall, just above the counter and nodded. The group went on talking for hours. It was mostly them explaining to Jeno about the games that he wasn’t interested in. But for the sake of his friends, he listened. The longer they went on, the longer Jeno noticed the time was way past ten. It was almost twelve. At least they didn’t have classes the next day so that was a good thing. “Um guys...?” Jeno suddenly let out. The whole group went from laughing hysterically to silence and all attention was on him. “Yeah?” Jaemin asked.

“Is it bad to say that I want us to bring back Hot Sauce?” Jeno already expected their expressions. Some showed their shock outwardly, while the rest were simply silent. But their eyes were filled with uncertainty and wary. “You can’t be serious, right?” Mark turned his eyes from the table and to Jeno. Jeno had a second of doubt in his train of thought, but he has fallen too deep, too quick. “Yes.” Haechan instantly stood up and went around the table to Jeno. He turned Jeno to have him. And he placed firm hands on Jeno’s shoulders. “Do you not remember what happened? What we did? The fact we almost got caught?”

Jeno remembered it clearly. It was a regular day for the guys. Everyone was meeting at Mark’s dorm room for a game night. Jeno was about to roll the dice when Jisung came bursting through the door open. “Guys! I need help! I’m freaking out!” Jisung had his feet moving as if the floor was lava and he couldn’t stop jumping. Chenle had to hold him still to get an answer out of him. “I think I made something.” Everyone looked at each other with skepticism painted on their faces, eyes scrutinising Jisung. They didn’t know if they could trust Jisung’s words. To them he was just the youngest, the most innocent. But what he made certainly wasn’t.

“What do you mean?” Mark asked, tilting his head. Jisung panted and tried to steady his breathing for him to answer. “Follow me to the dorm kitchen.” Jisung brisked walked down the hall, Jeno could hesr his feet shuffling but he quickly stopped in his track, turning back to peek his head out of the doorframe. “Come on!” Jisung urged with his hand gesturing to follow him. Everyone was still exchanging unsure glances, but Haechan was the first one to groan as he stood up to his feet from the floor, jerking his head towards the door. “Let’s just entertain whatever he’s up to.” With the room filled with heaves of sigh and hisses, one by one they stood up and left the dorm to visit the dorm kitchen.

By the time all of them were down to the kitchen, Jisung was already standing there with some equipment in front of him. Laboratory equipment. Jeno narrowed his eyes as everyone gathered around the kitchen counter and leaning towards Jisung, most probably to see what was inside that glass flask. What seemed surprising to Jeno was the fact that it didn’t even look like a solution. It was hot sauce. “Jisung if you’re making some prank on us-” “I’m not!” Jisung protested, grabbing the flask firmly in his hand and bringing up in front of him. “I think I made a love potion. With hot sauce.” Yet again, everyone had a look of disbelief. Looks that said “This is ridiculous. How is this even real?”

“You know we won’t believe you unless you prove it.” Renjun said, leaning back with his arms folded and having both brows raised as a sign for a challenge. Prove that the love potion was real, or they’d win this side of the challenge. “Alright, fine. Tell me someone you want to have fall for you. Any one of you.” Jisung slammed the flask on the table, the loud sound making Jeno flinch since he expected the flask to break from the sound of impact. Luckily it didn’t. “I want to try it on one of the girls in my major.” Chenle said, intentionally making it sound like a joke and laughing out loud afterwards. Jisung frowned deeply and had his eyebrows furrowed and eyes darting onto Chenle. “Come on don’t joke around. I actually think this might work.”

“Jeez okay, okay.” Chenle exhaled for a long moment. He placed his hands on the edge of the kitchen counter and leaned forward, shoulder raised. “So are there any rules I need to follow? Because if this is like those love arrows, a wrong move would result in chaos.” Chenle added on. No one responded. Because no one knew how. Everyone was uncertain about this, deeply skeptical and scrutinising of the whole idea. Jisung unfortunately has yet been able to gain even an ounce of credibility from them. “Well, once they taste the hot sauce, you must be in their line of vision. If my theory is correct, the first person they make eye contact with will the one they’ll fall for.” Jisung sounded like he was some advanced chemist. And to some extend, he was. He is taking a chemistry major after all.

“Have you tried this on... I don’t know, a test subject or something? Rats?” Mark questioned, and it sounded like a genuine one. Jeno simply folded his arms and kept himself quiet while he tried to let all the information sink in. It was hard to believe, and what were the chances of it actually working? The unknown answers to Jeno’s never ending questions, which he’s certain that it was on everyone’s mind as well, got him to let out an unintentional huff through thin lips. “Well... no. But that is why I’m asking you guys to try it. Tomorrow.” Jisung sounded determined. And Jeno couldn’t help but have his heart soften at the sight of his poor friend. “Is there anything else we should know about this ‘love potion’?” The words felt weird rolling off his tongue, it just didn’t set right with him just yet.

“I honestly have no idea what happens after. How deeply they’ll love you, how to break it. I can’t be certain on any of that.” Chenle, Haechan and Renjun gaped their mouths open and let out a breath. “Then shouldn’t we use it on other people and not ourselves?!” Renjun exclaimed. Jisung rolled his eyes with exasperation and slammed his hands palm down on the counter. “I- of course! Why would I put you guys in danger? What I meant was that any of you could ask anybody to try it. I didn’t mean to use it for it to work on you!” Jisung shouted, a groan following after. The kitchen fell silent and an unfamiliarly tense air surged through the gaps of the seven friends.

“Fine. Chenle, take the hot sauce. We’ll meet at the café for Chenle to report what happens. Alright?” The silence continued for a short moment before everyone hummed softly and nodded their heads. Jisung picked up the cork and placed it on the flask, pushing it to Chenle. Everyone watched as Chenle picked it up and took time to examine the flask and its content. He sucked in his lips and nodded as well. With that, everyone exited the kitchen and decided to go back to their own dorms. The thoughts of Jisung and the potential love potion lingering on through the night.

After the spam of a week or so, Jeno was deeply anticipating for the results as he rushed his way to the café at evening. When he entered, everyone was already surrounding the tables, again they were silent. He knew Chenle have yet to tell them the results since everyone gestured for Jeno to come join them, and he took long sprints to get to the table and settle down. Chenle was rubbing his knees anxiously, some followed, while the rest, including Jeno, were dead silent and simply wanted the answer out. Chenle finally took in a deep breath. “It worked. It fucking worked.”

Everyone was speechless, motionless. Everyone’s eyes trailed to each and every one of them, eventually staring down at Chenle and occasionally Jisung. Jisung was the first the move, his mouth hanged open and his eyes widened till it looked like his eyeballs could have fallen out of their eye sockets. Jisung snatched the flask that still had some hot sauce left and raised it in the air. Jeno could see the victorious feelings surging through his friends’s veins. Jisung jumped up from his seat and went in small circles from all the excitement. “Dude! I honestly can’t believe it.” Chenle said. And this time, everyone had an expression of disbelief, but the different kind. The positive kind.

“We need every detail on what happened.” Jeno eagerly asked. Chenle’s story was long winded, but in Jeno’s head, he summarised it as the moment the girl tasted the hot sauce, she suddenly changed. And when she met the eyes of the random guy, she was nothing but head over heels. And it went on for the whole day. “I did some experimenting myself to help you. And I found out how to break the effects of the potion.” Chenle said that the one that tasted the potion had to taste something sweet to settle the taste of heat from the hot sauce. Jisung instantly offered his hand to help make a heartbreak potion in relation to the love potion.

“Do you guys know what this means for us?” Jisung said. Everyone had their brows raised quizzically. “Don’t you see that everyone our age is looking for love? We make it easy for them, and we get paid. We can make a whole business out of this!” Jisung shoved the flask of love potion into everyone’s faces, causing them to lean back, but laughter and happy chuckles spread through the group fast. “Ah yes!” With that, approval was gained. Slowly and surely, they let the news about their secret love potion spread through the campus, and people began buying, with them earning a fortune in no time. It was a successful underground business the guys had, and Jeno was glad he was doing it with his friends.

Until that one day. The day Jaemin used the love potion on himself, and things got extremely rocky. They made a rule to themselves to not use it for their own benefits, but Jaemin was too naive, and wanted to make his crush fall in love with him. But instead, Jeno was one that was loved, not Jaemin. And that almost set the group of friends to crumble with constant distrust. On top of that, being an underground business, they were almost caught by the police. It was an exciting, but also dark time for the guys. Which was why they ended up not making the love potion for good after a few months of easy money, promised to never be brought up again. But it was Jeno that had to do it.

“I remember what happened. But I know what to be careful of now. Please, let me use it.” Jeno was practically pleading at this point. This girl, whoever she was, got him to be this desperate, got him thinking to go to such lengths for her to look his way, and only his. Jaemin placed a hand on Jeno’s shoulders, and his eyes trailed from his hand and to his face. “Please know what you’re doing. I don’t want us being like that again.” Jaemin’s voice was soft and caring, with worry wishing through his words. Jeno blinked one at him, eyes blaring with truth and determination. “I’ll be careful.”

That night, Jeno went back with Jisung to the lab to make the potion, Jaemin following along. Once Jisung was done, and that alone took long hours into the night, Jisung passed it in a small bottle this time, the cork blocking the view of the hot sauce from the top view. Jisung tapped Jeno’s shoulder and walked out of the kitchen, leaving with him and Jaemin in the quiet of the dead night. “I hope it works.” Jeno whispered, eyes on the bottle. He felt Jaemin’s eues on him. “I hope so too.” The words were heavy, and Jeno knew what he was implying. “It’s fine that we went through that. But please don’t let it happen again.”

I was at my study table. The papers were scattered all over in a huge mess. If I were to look at that all that any longer, I might just faint. I turned to around on my chair, letting my body sink into it as I threw my head back in stress and despair. I’ve been sitting here for hours now, and the amount of work I was able to get done was definitely not up to my satisfaction. On top of the stress of having a lot of assignments, I was now stressed on the fact that I wasn’t able to complete any of them. I guess it’s just one of those days when your brain refuses to function. And I seriously hate those days.

I called Jaehyun, asking him to video call me to serve as my mental support and encouragement to do my assignment. But instead he brought up the suggestion of studying at the café. And to that I immediately said yes. “Only if you pay for the food.” I said with a happy laugh as I jumped off my chair to get ready. “i’m sure they’re kind enough to make it free.” I smiled wider. It was late at night and I’m surprised at the fact that they’re still open. Just what time did they close?

Jaehyun and I went in, but we were greeted with only three of them present. Haechan, Mark, and Jeno. “Oh hey guys!” Haechan got up from his seat when he heard the door open and his eyes met ours. The other two turned around and waved at us. I responded back. Jeno’s eyes were locked on mine for what felt like an eternity, and my heart couldn’t help but skip a beat. Luckily it wasn’t enough to have me heat up. That is, until he smiled. The butterflies were quick to flutter in my stomach and heat was raised up to my cheeks. I could only hope that it wasn’t obvious. Jeno’s smile was brief but bright. If he didn’t smile, it’ll seem like he’s someone unapproachable, closed off. That smile changed everything about his aura.

“We just came here to study.” I let out, holding up the stack of papers i had in my hand before bringing it back to my chest. Jaehyun hummed right after and they all nodded, their smiles still plastered on their faces. “We’re hoping to get free drinks?” Jaehyun grinned back, almost in a mischievous way as he raised both his eyebrows up in anticipation. I laughed sheepishly. “We don’t mind.” Jeno said as he rolled his shoulders and slid his hands into his pockets. “What can we get you?” Jeno slowly walked up to where we seat. His eyes were taking small glances to me, and I tried my best to look away to seem natural. “There’s a watermelon drink, right?” Jeno nodded his head. “I’ll just get that.”

“And you?” Jeno gestured to Jaehyun. He offered to allow Jeno choose the drink that was easiest for him to make. I turned my head to the window, afraid that I might explode from the way Jeno kept looking at me. Once he went away, I immediately turned back to face Jaehyun and gasped for air. I can never breathe properly when Jeno’s around. “You don’t look okay.” Jaehyun let out with a raised brow. “Do you think I should be like those girls that don’t think they need anybody to make the guy like them more?” I questioned as the sudden thought popped up in my head. “You mean play hard to get.” Jaehyun gave me an unimpressed look, to which I responded with a roll of my eyes.

“Why would you do that?” Jaehyun asked, purely out of curiosity. “Mm, because it seems like Jeno’s likes me or something.” I shrugged and slumped my back into the chair. Jaehyun turned his head to the threes guys, specifically eyeing Jeno and snapping his head back to me with a laugh of amusement. “I wouldn’t be surprised.” Jaehyun raised his shoulders and folded his arms on the table, leaning in slightly. “But why play hard to get?” I laughed, and Jaehyun was shocked at my response. “Just think it’ll be fun. I’ve never experienced love in awhile now. Nothing wrong in playing a little.” I tilted my head to the side as I watched Jaehyun gape his mouth open and scrunching his face. “There’s so many things wrong with that, _____!” I frowned.

“My life, my rules.” I simply said with a light giggle. Mark came back and served our drinks. He was quick to shuffle back to his friends, not wanting to make a small talk. Jaehyun and I took out our materials for studying, or in my case assignments and began to get to work after I took a sip of my drink and set it aside by the window. The café was entirely silent for the whole time, merely small chatters and bickering from the three that sat at the other table. But after awhile, the murmurs died out. But I didn’t bother to look away from my work since watching Jaehyun actually gave me an encouragement boost, seeing how he’s hardworking and fully in the zone.

I decided to take a five minute break after burning through most of my assignments in a few hours. I didn’t even know what time it was. All I knew was that the sun had set and the night had made itself comfortable in the sky. When I looked up to grab my drink from the window, I saw myself in the reflection, but I also saw Jeno, plainly having his back faced away from me. He’s the only one there, Mark and Haechan were gone and out of sight. I turned around to him. “Hey, Jeno?” I called out, loud enough for him to hopefully hear. He lifted his head up instantly and shot his eyes to me quick. “Yes?” He replied, dropping his phone onto his lap. “Where did Mark and Haechan go?”

Jeno’s mouth formed an ‘O’ as he stood up and idled his way up to our table. He clasped his hands behind his back. “They went out to eat.” Jeno replied with a soft smile. That simple movement would be running laps in my mind. “Why didn’t you go?” Jaehyun questioned as he set his pen down and lifted his arms to stretch them out as well as his back. “He has to take care of the café, Jae.” I replied bluntly since the answer was obvious, but I guess Jaehyun was still zinging back from all the work he had done. Jeno nodded his head upon hearing my response. “I can’t leave the cafe unattended.” There was a long pause of silence for a moment, as Jaehyun and I watched Jeno standing upright awkwardly. “Actually, I might join them.”

I creased my forehead as my mouth gaped open slightly the moment Jaehyun said that. I saw the look in his eyes. I knew what he was doing. I narrowed my eyes down on him and he winked back with glee. I took a moment to take a quick glance at Jeno, and although it was fully visible, a look of shock could be seem for a brief second before disappearing and plastering on a neutral expression. “I’m starving so.” Jaehyun left the unfinished sentence hanging in the air as he rose form his chair and begin to pack up, grabbing all his belongings from the table and placing it into his bag quickly. I knew he was in a rush to get Jeno and I alone. I all but wanted to smack him in the head. “Text me when you get back to the dorms, okay!” Jaehyun shouted from the door as he happily waved at me and ran out of the café.

I absentmindedly let out a sigh as a reaction of Jaehyun’s intention for going out. I lifted my head to Jeno, who was staring at the table so intensely. “You can sit, you know.” I gestured my chin to the table in front of me and with a nervous laughter, he slowly sat down, placing his phone faced down on the table and sliding the chair in. “How was studying?” Jeno asked. I could feel him tense up already, as if I could read his mind while he bit his lower lip. “Why ask such a question?” Was what Jeno could be thinking in his head. “I was actually able to get my shit done. Well, almost.” I chuckled, beginning to gather up my papers and stacking them neatly. While doing so, I felt his eyes on me, as if watching my every move. As a tease, I shot my eyes up to him like a slingshot, a mischievous smile forming on my lips.

Jeno widened his eyes when I did, and I couldn’t help but laugh softly. “You look tensed up with me, calm down.” I finished stacking up my papers and shove it to the side, realising that my cup was already empty to mere drops gathered at the bottom. “I’m not tensed, please.” Jeno cracked a smile and ran a hand through his hair, and oh God I’d want to reply that in my head for hours on. Boy was I falling for this boy fast. But I’d want to classify my feelings as pure infatuation. Although I would want to fall in love, I wanted to be more careful this time, not to fall head over heels on the first glance. “How did you guys come up with the idea of opening up the café?”

That question set our long time of conversation going. I didn’t know how, but our topics quickly changed and as the night grew darker, the topic began to grow more deep, more personal. I got to know a few things about him. Like how he liked to bike, and has a thing for cats. He told me that the possibility of the fact that I didn’t know him was because he was only popular in his major as well as the connections of his friends. And I’d agree. I never did anything else other than going for lectures and going to the dorm straight after. I wasn’t the most social out there, but neither was Jeno. His only friend circle were his six friends, and that’s that.

“You seem to have the perfect life.” I muttered, at this point, I had my body faced to the window, looking at the ink black sky that was painted with splatters of white as stars. What’s even better was that the moon was shining, and that gave the darkened café a glow above the white aesthetic of the café. “I just never been in love for a long time.” I blinked my eyes, turning to Jeno. Jeno’s eyes flickered with uncertainty for a moment, but he slowly shook his head to get rid of them. “That’s a story for another time.” I didn’t know how, but I guess the ambiance of the café got our voices to get soft and gentle, exchanging our words with whispers and mutters. It was so calming and peaceful. My night talk with Jeno was something I wished I could do every night. The quietness of the atmosphere, and everything about this moment. I wanted it to last.

“You should go home. I’m worried I’m keeping you up.” Jeno must’ve noticed how my eyes kept fluttering open each time I talked, with them falling back to close right after. I weakly hummed and moved my body to face him. “Yeah, I guess.” With that, Jeno helped me to pack my things and send me to the door. “You are okay to go back yourself, right?” I hummed again. “How’s that Taeyong guy, he’s not texting you or anything?” I smacked my lips and heaved a long sigh. “He’s far into my past for me to give a fuck anymore. Well, except for that one night. But yes, I am well capable of going myself.” I flashed a reassuring smile. He placed a hand on my shoulder, sending a bolt of lighting through my whole body, but I tried to not make myself flinch at the touch and left the café.

—Say you'll call me baby.

The moment Jeno closed the door, he couldn’t help but frown. He slowly took the small bottle of love potion out of his apron, playing it around his palm as he thought of whether he should use it or not. It seemed like she genuinely liked him. But it also felt like she didn’t want to be anything more. But how could Jeno assume her feelings towards Jeno this quickly. All Jeno is right now is blinded by her everything. And he wanted her to be his. I wrapped his fingers around the bottle tightly, squeezing it hard as he thought over it one last time. Was it the right thing to do? No. But was Jeno desperate? Yes. He wanted her desperately, and if the love potion’s not going to let someone like her slip out of his grasp, he’ll gladly do it. It sounded selfish if he were to say it out loud, but he couldn’t help it.

“I want her to call me baby.”

“You haven’t used it on her yet?” Jeno jumped at the familiar voice, shooting his head up so fast it almost gave him whiplash. Jaemin was standing right in front of him, posture laid back and relaxed with his hands sliding in his pockets. His eyes flickered to the bottle for a moment and back to him. Jeno was too deep in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice his friend making an entrance. Jeno noticed the shift of his eyes and looked down to the bottle as well, quickly pulling it out of their sight by placing it behind hum. “Um- well no. Not yet.” Jeno said, his voice just slightly shaky after he cleared his throat. “Why?” Jaemin swerved around Jeno to get past him and Jeno turned around.

To get his mind to settle after going far with this thoughts, he decided to ask another question. “Why’re you here?” Jaemin clicked his tongue, his back still facing Jeno as he walked around the café. Jaemin inhaled sharply, his chest lifting up before it went back down in a flash. “They told me to come check on you. Don’t know why because I know you’re responsible enough to close the café yourself.” Jaemin didn’t look at him when he replied as he slowly walked to the window. “You didn’t answer me.” Jaemin muttered. “It’s too quick to use it now.” Jeno let out in a mere whisper, he knew his friend would hear him. Jeno took slow strides to stand next to Jaemin who was by the window, noticing just how deep into the night they were.  

Jaemin turned his head slightly to Jeno, but not entirely. HIs eyes were still on the scenery.  “I thought you were so eager to use it. You seem to really like her.” Jaemin added on. Jeno could hear his gentle breathing. Jeno sucked in a breath to prolong the time he needed to answer. To be very honest, he didn’t exactly have one. But after a long pause, he let out, “I just wanted to see if it’s even needed to use the love potion.” Jeno frowned ever so slightly, looking at Jaemin in the reflection of the window, seeing a slightly surprised expression on his face but he was quick to ice it over. “Did you not think of the factors that come with this?” Jaemin slid his hands out of his pockets and folded his arms, placing his weight on one leg. 

Jeno raised an eyebrow. “As if I didn’t.” Jeno muttered, his words accidentally rolling off his tongue with a sharp tone which earned an expected scoff from Jaemin. “I’m just saying. Jisung didn’t make that potion in months, almost a hear.” Jaemin gulped, his upper body slowly turned to face Jeno. “What if something bad happens?” At this point, reckless Jeno from the long day was starting to take effect, and he was beginning to get tired of Jaemin sending constant hint, though at the back of his mind he knew Jaemin was saying all the those for his safety, for the safety of his heart. 

“If you don’t want me to use the love potion just say it.” Jeno rubbed his temples and let out a huff. Jaemin was so surprised by Jeno’s reply that he leaned back. Jaemin had never seen this defensive side of his friend in a long time. “I just...” Jeno waited for Jaemin to finish his sentence, but it was left hanging in the tensed air that was between them. “I’m sorry.” Jeno breathed out, glancing down to his feet before lifting his head back up and straightening his back. “It’s fine. It’s your life. Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you.” Jeno turned to him, a small sincere smile was on his face, and it warmed Jeno’s heart enough to reciprocate it. “Let’s pack up. And I’m sleeping at your dorm tonight.” Jaemin’s smile quickly turned to a cheeky one as he hopped to get to the entrance. Jeno chuckled, shaking his head. “Why’s that?”

Jaemin had a hand on the cafe door. Jaemin snapped his head to Jeno’s direction. “I didn’t do that for quite some time now, don’t you think?” Jeno widened his smile till a grin appeared, dashing to turn off all the lights and quickly exiting  the cafe. But before he did, he took one last glance at the table where she seated, almost seeing her figure made his heart thump in a matter of seconds but he shook his head to clear slate of her and ran after Jaemin. 

“Anyone who hasn’t finished their assignments, please get them ready the next time I see you. Don’t ask me for extra credits on this one.” The lecture hall was filled with long groans and whines. I wished I could get out right now so I didn’t have to deal with this any longer. It’s stupid how students beg for extra credits but are yet able to submit their assignment on time. I didn’t see the point to it. My professors rolled his eyes and huffed in exasperation. “Quit the whining you’re all too old for that. Class dismissed.” Everyone instantly stood up from their seats and wasted no time to exit the hall. Everyone was so eager to leave. And wanting to avoid the commotion at the door, I waited behind and took my time to pack up.

Once the exit was completely empty, which only took about five minutes since everyone was pushing each other to get out, I finally slung my bag over my shoulders and carried my laptop in my hand before walking down the stairs to get to the exit. And when I stepped out and turned to the right, I was instantly met and a figure laying their back against the brick wall, legs out while they casually scrolled through their phone. Though I couldn’t see their face due to them wearing a black cap, the bright blonde hair that stood out below was blinding and I immediately knew who it was at the very first glance. “Jeno...?” I called out, walking towards him slowly. He instantly lifted his eyes off his phone, meeting mine and a small smile grew on his lips. “Hey.”

I glanced about our surroundings. There were certainly people staring. Whispers and murmurs floated in the air and came to reach me so fast that I wish I could melt into the floor and disappear from the face of the earth. I sucked in my lips and breathed out, shaking my head. “What exactly are you doing here?” I asked in a hushed tone. I was suddenly feeling cautious as the eyes of whoever’s were drilling down my back. It felt wrong to have Jeno right in front of me right now. It’s as if he was too good for me to be around with. But not going to lie, that is true. Students were giving me disgusted glances and glares. I washed away such thoughts and brought my attention back to Jeno, who had his eyes on the people around us before pushing himself away from the floor and sighing purposefully loud for them to hear.

“I genuinely didn’t know what time you ended lecture so I waited.” Jeno said with the most casual tone ever. I squinted my eyes at him and tilted my head a mere fraction. I took this time to look him up and down. His fit was the most casual thing ever. Black shirt tucked loosely in black jeans ripped at the knees and black sneakers. The black cap made him look mysterious, cold. He’d honestly seem like someone I would never dare to approach with an outfit this dark. But it accentuated his perfect body proportions along with having his biceps just slightly showing under his sleeves. The look was simple, but he made it a hundred time more attractive. “And why were you waiting?”

Jeno lifted his cap off and ran his free hand through his hair. That action alone got my heart to speed up its pace and began to feel unsteady under my skin. “I actually wanted you to come to the café to try something new I made.” Jeno smiled widely till his eyes formed a thin line. The cap overshadowed his face, but I could clearly see the features of his face. And right now, he looked like those cute dogs. However, the low chatters, stares, scrutinising glances were beginning to take over my mind. And for some reason, I wished that I wasn’t standing with Jeno in public right now. “Can you text me and I’ll go some other time?” I whispered, brushing a strand behind my ear as I shot back annoyed eyes to the people walking by, to no one specific. But I knew a lot of people were talking about me. As if I wasn’t made to be In Jeno’s line of vision.

Jeno gave me a weirded out look and blinked his eyes rapidly. “Why? I waited so I could take you there right now.” He said, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. I could tell he was taking quick glances at where I kept looking and he bit his lower lip. “We’ll get out of here.” Jeno reached out to hold my wrist, but I quickly pulled back, shaking my head. “No, please. Just... now’s not the right time. Text me later, I guess.” I gulped and squinted my eyes shut before turning around sharply and walking away in a quick pace. I stared down at the floor, too annoyed to look up as the whispers trailed along behind me but drowned out the further I went. If being around Jeno would earn me such hate, I wouldn’t even dare to be seen with him like just now ever again. I didn’t want to deal with that. Jeno’s too good for me. That I could already tell. And this just confirmed that he was.

—Tell me you'll be okay. If I leave you alone today

Jeno stood there, completely stunned and frozen as he watched her back grew smaller and she went further and eventually disappearing when she turned a corner. Jeno let out a frustrated groan and took his cap off to ruffle his hair, shutting his eyes. He opened them back up with a sharp motion, turning around to walk the other way and a shake of his head. Jeno wondered what was with her sudden defensive aura. He knew it was because of the never ending drills of eyes on them. But he could’ve quickly drew them out of there and headed for the café. Jeno guessed that he was too late. Jeno planned to use the potion on her that day, too bad disappeared the moment he took a step forward for her.

That night, Jeno was restless. He was pacing to and fro of his dorm, throwing his phone up in the air and catching, continuing with that motion through the hours he’d been pacing. Jeno wanted to see her again. Jeno wanted to use the potion. But it seemed like he was losing every given time to do so. And he felt like he was at a loss. Giving up and finding no point in wasting his physical energy walking, he dropped himself onto his bed and laid down, eyes staring into the ceiling as if picturing Jeno and her together, something that would be a gamble to happen. He sighed quietly. “Tell me you’re okay. Even if you don’t want me there.” Jeno whispered to himself as he prayed that she’ll be okay even if he wasn’t there for her.

Jeno hasn’t seen her for the next few days. She didn’t come to the café anymore. And when Jaehyun came occasionally, she wasn’t there with him. Even at the official opening of the café and the time after, she wasn’t there. Jeno was getting worried. She wasn’t even seem on campus whenever Jeno went for lectures. It’s as if she disappeared entirely, just like how it was before. He wondered day after day where she could’ve gone. He would’ve asked Jaehyun, but he said no for the sake of her privacy.

“She’s been through things, Jeno.” Jaehyun muttered, his voice a low rasp as he began explaining about her situation. They were sitting on the benches on campus, and Jeno hoped she’d somehow appear, but of course he couldn’t deny the reality. “What has she been through?” Jeno asked in desperation. He saw the hesitation flicker in Jaehyun’s eyes for a clear moment. He heaved a sigh and ran a hand down his face. “Taeyong. He raped her.” There were no filters to his words, no sugarcoating, nothing. It was out there in the open, hard and tense off his tongue. Jeno could tell Jaehyun’s heart felt heavy in an instant, and so was his. He shouldn’t have asked. Now he was feeling bad.

Later that night he was up again, just like any night. Clearly he had her on his mind. But this time, it was just a little different. Jeno was laying out all he knew in his mind, mapping it all out in hopes to sort out his feelings that he has still yet to unravel and identify. The longer he stared up the ceiling and ponder, he might have just came to a conclusion.

“I’ll use it on you, so you wouldn’t have to go through it again.” That was what Jeno planned to do. He could’ve just made it work like how regular relationships have their buildup. But what if it doesn’t work? What if she’s too scared of Jeno? That’s what he feared. And he wanted to show her that she didn’t need to suffer. He wanted to make sure she knew. He has now shifted his focus on the potion. Clearly he wanted to use it for her to fall in love with him, but he also wanted to make her feel better. To know that Jeno was there for her. He turned to his side with a grunt, staring into blank space before finally shutting his eyes.

I flinched when I was tapped on the shoulder hard and I instantly swing my head behind on instinct. “Jaehyun!” I shouted, punching his arm lightly as he laughed and moved to walk beside me. I folded my arms and feigned a sigh. “Let’s go to the café.” Jaehyun suggested, and my heart suddenly felt its weight. I sucked in my lips, my feelings and mind unsure on making a decision. “I don’t feel like it...” I whispered, glancing down to the floor before looking up to have my face meet the sunlight. I shut my eyes and kept walking with my head lifted up. I heard Jaehyun sigh quietly and he hummed, somewhat finding a way to sort out his words in his head.

“I know you don’t want to go because of Jeno. But just try... No one will get to you like how Taeyong did. I’ll make sure of it.” Jaehyun said, his tone gentle with a sheer underlying persuasion. I groaned and adverted my eyes to Jaehyun. “Even if he likes me, he’s too good for me. People stared at me like it was a crime for someone as perfect as Jeno to be waiting outside the lecture hall for me. It’s ridiculously annoying and I don’t think I can put up with it 24/7.” I ran a frustrated hand through my hair before continuing. “There are plenty of other reasons why he’s too good for me too.” I ended the sentence with a voice almost inaudible.

I could tell Jaehyun was just as frustrated as I am, because he fired back. “He may be too good. But he sees something in you that has never caught his attention like any other girls here. Give him a chance. Get out of your “closed off” phase. I hate how what happened with Taeyong is keeping you from being fully happy.” I hate to admit it, but Jaehyun was right. I’ve never been entirely happy. Of course I had Jaehyun, but he had a life for himself to live. He couldn’t be with me always. And without him, my life hasn’t seen that much joy. And Jeno was seen as a possible opening to that joy for me, maybe.

Jaehyun wrapped an arm around my shoulders and I gave him a death glare. “Don’t give me that look. You know I’m right anyways. So let’s go to the café.” With his strong hold, I knew I couldn’t get out of it and I was about to be dragged to the café just like Jaehyun wanted. I closed my eyes for a moment to mentally prepare myself and we went.

At the café, not all the guys were there. It seemed like they were taking turns to take shifts each day. And today was none other than Jeno. As if fate wanted him to be here, and wanted me to come on this very day. The sunlight was blaring into the café and brought full light on the white of the café. Jeno lifted his head up from the sound of the door opening and smiled. I wished I wasn’t so easily swayed by such a simple movement. But it was Jeno. “The usual?” I had on a confused look till Jaehyun hummed and I realised Jeno was referring to him. I guess he saw my expression, because he turned to me and asked, “Do you want what you ordered last time?” I simply nodded my head, no words coming out of my mouth.

Jaehyun and I took a seat as the two of us watched Jeno preparing our drinks with speed and profession. I exhaled deeply. “I like him. But I’m too scared.” I finally admitted, keeping my voice so low for only one pair of ears to hear.

On the other hand, Jeno was taking quick glances at her, seeing if she was looking. And indeed she was, along with Jaehyun. Jeno kept his eyes on the drinks, but kept peaking down to his apron pocket where the small glass bottle of hot sauce glistened. Jeno wet his lips and slowly took it out as he brought the drinks to the machine. And in one quick swift motion, he made sure he eyed the correct drink and dumped in just three drops of the hot sauce. He gulped deeply and threw it back into the pocket of his apron. He proceeded to quickly make a drink of his own and bringing it to them in a flash. He made sure to not mix up the drink and sat down beside Jaehyun.

I smiled the moment Jeno placed my drink in front of me and sat down. I licked my lips, looking down at the drink and thought about how long it had been since I last drank it. “I actually added something new to that drink. Was wondering if you could tell me what you think.” Jeno leaned in. For some reason, he leaned in quite a lot, as if he only wanted himself to be in my line of sight. I chuckled and nodded my head, dipping down to place my lips on the heart shaped straw. I sucked in a sip, my eyes unconsciously locking onto Jeno’s as he stared at me with such intent and attention.

I swallowed it. I couldn’t help but cough at the taste. It felt the same, but there was something... spicy underlying the refreshing flavours. I scrunched my face up and leaned back, shaking my head. “Jeno... what did you-” My mind went blank.

Jeno was observing her every move. Every twitch on her face. She was blinking her eyes rapidly, and when she opened them back, she had her eyes darting on Jeno, and Jeno only. She gulped, and her eyes were filled something light, a look of uplift. “Jeno...” She whispered softly. She gaped her mouth open and leaned in, their faces merely inches away from each other and Jeno’s heart began to pick up its pace at the small sparks that were bursting between. Even if they weren’t real. “What the fuck?” Jeno turned to Jaehyun when he sounded. He raised an eyebrow and leaned back in his sear with folded arms. “I mean I knew she liked you but she’s never shows it until-” Jaehyun paused, a scoff escaping his lips. “Now.”

Jaehyun didn’t notice her sudden change? Was it not obvious that he used something on her? It looked natural? Jeno’s mind was spiralling with questions and he refrained himself from looking to shocked at Jaehyun’s casual reaction. Jeno slowly adverted his attention back to her. She had her palms on her cheeks. It looked so real. Her eyes were sparkling with Jeno in her sight. Butterflies began to flutter in his stomach, a feeling he’s never felt in so long. It felt new. “I want to be alone with you, Jeno.” Jeno’s eyes widened so much, and he couldn’t help but lean back from the sudden statement. Jaehyun scoffed again, this time louder. “I’ll go.” Jaehyun rose up from his seat. With a sly look, he pat Jeno’s arm firmly and finish whatever’s left of his drink and dashed out.

Jeno watched Jaehyun the whole way till the door closed and he disappeared. Jeno sucked in his lips, hearing her hum softly. “H-How are you feeling?” Jeno was still in bewilderment by how it was actually working. He was indeed fascinated to see the potion working its magic on the person he wanted. “I feel normal. But so in love...” Her giggles echoed through the lone café and Jeno gulped in nervousness the moment she lifted her hand and grazed her fingers his, tracing them slowly and eventually interlocking her fingers with his. Jeno felt the heat rushing up his cheeks. It was clearly obvious that he’s blushing seeing how she used her free hand to brush her thumb on his cheek. “Why are you so cute, hm?” She asked, tilting her head and smiling widely till her eyes formed thin lines.

Jeno chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck that was how sweaty from the sudden overwhelming heat he was feeling. He looked into her eyes. It looked beautiful, shining so bright with so much love and happiness. He’d never seen her like this, and it was like she glowed up like the sun was made to shine only on her. But at the same time, the longer he looked, the longer he began to wonder just how much of the love in her eyes were even real. Maybe a tiny bit, or none at all.

With my eyes shut, I squinted them tight as the sunlight hit my face and glared at me. Struggling to flutter them open, I sat up, pressing my hands into the mattress. And that’s when it hit me. A sharp pain in my head as a migraine began to take place. It was so bad that I pressed my hand to my head, wincing in pain as if a needle was poking into my skull. I groaned and tried to move, but to no avail. I dropped back into bed. I rolled over to cover my eyes from the burning sun. But that was when I tried to search for my phone, frantically tapping the sheets to find it. Once I did, I turned it on, and realised it was twelve in the afternoon.

I sprang out of bed. I took a second look at my phone. How was I unaware of what day it was today? And what happened yesterday? I barely remembered anything. “I didn’t drink, did it?” I questioned myself softly as I lost my balance from the migraine and leaned my hand on the study table as I took wary steps out of my room. I thought it over again. I couldn’t have drank. I didn’t drink in a long time. So how was it that I didn’t remember anything from yesterday? I was able to take slow steps to the living room, dropping myself into the couch and running a hand through my hair. I turned on my phone yet again to call Jaehyun. And as I typed in the first two letters, another name besides Jaehyun’s came up.

“Jeno?” I lifted a hand to scratch my head. I never added Jeno to my contacts list before. When did I do that? I squint my eyes shut, trying my best to recall whatever that I did yesterday, or to know if I was even awake. And the only I last remembered was being at the café with Jaehyun. In an attempt to use some logical thinking, I could deduce that I possibly got Jeno’s number because he was at the café with me yesterday. But why would I ask for it. At the moment, my thumbs moved on its own, too late for my train of thoughts to aline and I already realised that I was calling Jeno. He picked up in a matter of seconds and I brought my phone up to my ear. “Hey baby.”

At the sound of Jeno’s voice and words, I was instantly put in a trance. I didn’t know how, but it was as if I got transported in my subconscious. I knew what was happening, what I was doing. And that was what’s making me have the strong urge to jump out of my skin shock. “Jeno! I missed you, baby!” I cried out, a smile cracking on my lips. I tried to shake my head, but I couldn’t. I was stuck. I didn’t have the intention to say those words. I also didn’t know I was going to do that. What was happening to me? “I have a lecture today. You want meet me and we could possibly go somewhere?” My eyes lit up with much joy and glee. I couldn’t believe my consciousness was acting like this. It’s not me at all.

“Mm sure! What time does it end?” The smile never felt my face. It was plastered there I knew it wouldn’t come off. My mind began picturing Jeno, with us going out to the city at night. Is that what I was envisioning? Even my heart was beating at a rapid speed when I didn’t want it to. It’s like all my actions were being controlled by something. It had my body react in a way that I couldn’t possibly tell at the moment. What’s scaring me the most was that I couldn’t do anything to stop it. And I could only let my consciousness take over the moment I sprang up at the mention that Jeno’s lecture would end at four in the evening. “Alright I’ll see you then. Love you!” I chuckled softly and ended the call, throwing my phone on the couch and running to my room to get dressed.

But ‘Love you’? Why would I say that? I was so confused as to what’s going on. My migraine disappeared too the moment this happened. I was getting ready, frantically picking out an outfit. At least my conscious knew what kind of clothes I would wear. Once I was done I turned to my full length mirror. I took a step forward to get a good look at my face, and when I stared into my eyes, there was a brief moment of darkness. I was still looking at my figure. I blinked my eyes. I did that. I glanced down to my fingers and moved them. I did that too. I slapped both my hands to my cheeks and I felt the sting that came from the impact. I’m suddenly back to my usual self.

I sucked in a breath and took a step back, looking up and down my whole outfit. Not going to lie, I did look good. I would’ve admired myself if I wasn’t so taken aback by the mysterious occurrence I just went through. I could hear my phone ringing suddenly from the living room. I walked slow, peeking my head forward and seeing it was Jeno who’s calling. I picked up, wanting him to say something first. “Hey, you ready? I’m already going out.” Jeno said, a happy tone shined through his words. I gulped and laughed softly, wanting to cover my awkwardness. “Y-Yeah I’m coming.” That stutter was not meant to be let out. Jeno hummed and ended the call. I grabbed my necessities and shoved them into the bag that matched my outfit and walked out the door.

As I went down the hallway and out of my dorm building, I kept shaking my head, trying to map everything out. What I just went through was certainly not normal. It’s like I was out of my body, yet trapped by the decisions made by whatever is doing this to me. I had my eyes on the floor for so long as if the answer would just magically appear, but of course to no avail, and I was left in the darkness to the actual thing that happened. My mind was all over the place, jumping here and there, making conclusions that I knew right off the bat was not possible. Or at least, scientifically possible.

I was way too deep in my thoughts that I bumped into someone. Hard. So hard that I stumbled back. And just when I thought I was going to fall, I was saved by a hand wrapping around my waist. With a firm and strong grip, it pulled me to stand back on my feet. But the hand stayed there. I slowly trailed my eyes up from where I was looking. A loose white button up that was ever so slightly see through and at the short gap between us, I could see just a hint of his abs shining through. It wasn’t buttoned up all the way, one or two unbuttoned. I was met with his collarbone and jawline, sharp and precise like it could cut steel. And finally his face. It was Jeno. His bright puppy smile blinding my vision.

“You seem to have your mind caught up in something.” Jeno said in a hushed tone, lifting his free hand and placing both his hands on my hips. His hold softened itself and his fingers hovered over my skin. I leaned back, biting my lower lip. I didn’t know how to respond. My heart thumping so hard it could possibly rip through my ribcage. I feel my cheeks heating up and I’m pretty sure they were now painted with a light shade of pink. I gaped my mouth open, fascinated at just how perfect Jeno looked. That I was even able to see him this close. His touch and deep eyes had my mind go blank and he had to lean in closer to check if I was okay. That wasn’t making it any better.

“You good, love? You’re blushing again.” Jeno chuckled, his low raspy voice that I never knew he could have till now send a cold shiver down my spine. I didn’t know what was happening. But if I wanted to get to the bottom of this, it looks like I’ll have to act. “Am I?” I pressed my palms to my cheeks, it was certainly burning hot. His hand slide up my curved, never lifting his hand off my body and trailed it to my hand. With the most lightest touch ever, he leaned down to kiss my knuckles. I blinked my eyes rapidly. I couldn’t keep a natural face. This was all an overwhelming amount of attractiveness at one go. I felt like collapsing right then and there.

“You look pretty.” Jeno finally steps back, finally giving me space for me to breath and let my lungs begin to function again as he eyed me up and down. He giggled and nodded his head. “You really do.” He reinforced, his hand now touching mine to interlock our fingers together. “You look good too.” Jeno seemed to make it possible for someone to look stunning just by wearing a mere button up and black jeans. Adding on was his blinding blonde hair that never failed to bring the look together. “Where are we going though?” I let out the question I’ve had on my mind this whole time.

Jeno began walking and it took me awhile to walk as well as I felt the tug of his hand, urging me to follow. “I’m offering to spend the whole day with you doing whatever we like. It’s our first time out, so I wanted to do what you like.” Jeno said with a carefree sigh leaving his lips as he looked up to the sky with a soft smile. It’s like he was genuinely happy to be hanging out with me and that made my heart miss a beat. “But I don’t want to make it all about me.” I replied, wanting to sound as engaged as possible. But if I’m being honest, I really was interested in finding out what he liked to do. Jeno breathed out a chuckle and downshifted his head. “How about the arcade?” Jeno tilted his head with a cheeky smile and I really couldn’t say no.

There wasn’t a word that could describe the day I had with Jeno. Even if there was, I’d never be able to describe it. It felt... magical. I never experienced something like this in a long time. The feeling of warmth, care for every move I make, Jeno’s gentleness treating me like I was a fragile human. We did things like from going to the arcade, to ice cream shop hopping, window shopping. He never showed any sign of boredom throughout. We ate and we talked, somehow the conversation was able to flow with ease. My heart fluttered each time he looked at me, each time he smiled, each time he got close and sent fireworks bursting in me with just the lightest touch. Jeno’s... perfect.

The night I spent with Jeno really buried whatever happened in the afternoon deep, but it was still at thr back of my mind. I’d figure it out when I get back. But right now, all I wanted to focus on were the stars that look like white paint splattering on an ink black canvas, twinkling above while I huddled close to Jeno with our legs hanging over the edge of the rooftop. My body was already pressed up against his, but he urged me to get closer with a squeeze of his hand on my waist. “I like this.” I whispered softly. This could’ve been a dream. It all felt too unreal. But it’s a dream I’ll never want to wake up from. The cold breeze winded by and a ton of hair got on my face. Jeno giggled and used his free hand to swipe away the strands in bits.

Jeno’s eyes were admiring every inch of her face as he went. The look in her eyes was beautiful. He longed to stay like this for hours. The love potion made this possible. And he somewhat felt glad he used it, despite having guilt anchored at the bottom of his heart.

“Can we make this an every week thing?” I whispered, thinking of the idea of wanting to escape, that he was my escape. I knew I’d have a great day well spent with him, and I’d like to have more days with him like these in the future. Jeno’s large hand held the back if my head and shifted me to rest my head on his chest while he placed his chin on the crown of my head. He hugged me, his hold just righr, his embrace subtle but perfect. “Anytime you need it, love.” His voice could send me floating up to the bright moon that had its light shining subtly on us.

But it was also this time that I began to wonder if it was my “possessed” self that needed to be on this date and not me. Then how was I suppose to feel? Would I have felt this feeling even if it wasn’t me in my skin? The questions slowly began to spiral as the silence of the night went on, but before it could give me a headache, “I think we should go. It’s late.” I muttered. A small cute frown appeared on his face but he slowly nodded his head. “Let’s go then.”

Later that night, Jeno spent hours having memories of their night running laps in his minds. He kept resonating it, and he never seemed to get bored of it. In fact, it made him more light and happier. Jeno was head over heels with this girl, and the didn’t mind falling this deep. Because he already knew that she was his. “So did the potion work?” Jeno flinched intensely as Jaemin’s voice entered the dorm and he sauntered towards him. Jeno grinned widely and furiously nodded his head. “I went out with her and it was so... magical a-and perfect.” Jeno gestured his hands around, outwardly trying to express himself.

“I’m glad.” Jaemin cracked a sincere smile, punching Jeno’s chest lightly with his first. “Just don’t forget to break the potion, okay?” Jeno smiled sheepishly to the floor and nodded, though Jaemin’s words didn’t fully submerge into his mind. All he could think about was the works of the love potion, and now it only made him fall for her a hundred folds.

I was on campus one day, just getting out of a lecture that really killed my braincells for the day. I was so worn out. That lecture somehow felt years longer than it should. And the boredom I got from it drained all the energy out of me. I was practically a lifeless walking corpse with my hunched over back and sliding footsteps. I didn’t have my eyes in front for the while I was walking, my eyes barely half opened. “_____.” On instinct I turned my head to the direction of the call. As if on cue, all life has suddenly come back into my body. And as my eyes met Jeno’s, I was taken over again. It’s like I wasn’t even tired in the first place. Against my will, I ran up to Jeno with the brightest smile ever.

“Hey baby.” I said, wrapping my arms around his torso while his unconsciously meets my waist. Reciprocating my smile, he said “Rare for us to meet on campus.” I freed one hand and teasingly placed it on his chest, playing with the fabric of his shirt. I didn’t like how whatever’s controlling me was making me so flirty and girly. I’m hating it. “Mm that’s true.” I replied, lowering my voice. “Are you free today?” I asked, a small frown appearing on my face. Jeno freed his hands from my waist and placed his index fingers on the corner of my mouth, rising my lips to turn my frown upside down. I giggled at the motion. “I’m actually going to the library to study. You can accompany me if you’d like.”

I eagerly nodded, releasing myself from Jeno and going to stand beside him with my hand lacing its fingers with his. I looked up at him with an overly bright smile. “Let’s go.” At the library, I was still in my subconscious. This spell thing or whatever is getting me to behave much more differently than I usually am. Does Jeno not see this? Does he not realise that I’m not me right now? Jeno had his eyes on his textbook. But he still kept giving me sidelong glances each second while I stared at him dreamily against my will. Just what was making me do all this?

“Why aren’t you studying, hm?” I felt a pull from my chest and I was instantly back to myself. To check if indeed I was, I began to pat my shoulders, arms and cheeks. Jeno chuckled softly in response. “Did you hear me, love?” Jeno leaned in close to my face with a whisper, and I leaned back slightly in shock, mouth agape and blinking eyes. Once I fully got to my senses, I shook my head vigorously. “I did.” I adjusted my upper body, straightening my back and pulling myself closer to the table. “I do that things to study.” I turned around to grab my book from my bag that was sitting on the chair next to me. And suddenly I felt a heavy weight on my chest, slowly arms snaking around my waist and I was instantly enveloped with warmth. I looked from my bag and tilted my head down, seeing Jeno resting his head on me with a firm grip on me. “You do that, and I’ll sleep on you.” Jeno smiled with his eyes closed. And honestly, that was the most adorable thing I’ve seen him do yet.

I raised a brow and shook my head, the chuckle leaving my lips. “Okay, okay.” I said, the small, almost invisible smile was still on me while I began to study. But it was hard to, with Jeno’s peaceful sleeping figure on me. Slowly and surely, as if my hand had a mind of its own, I placed my pen down and reached for Jeno’s hair. My fingers were hesitant for a moment, but they soon made contact with his hair. As expected, it was soft, silky and smooth. There was a light shine to his hair that the light reflected off. The bright blonde of his hair really got me to wonder how he kept his hair healthy after dying his hair such a colour. Jeno flinched at my action but relaxed himself in no time and got back to sleep.

Since I wasn’t able to concentrate studying, my mind trailed off from Jeno to my weird situation. I was going in and out of my conscious and it’s as if I was put under a spell of some sort to be someone I’m not. There’s obviously the possibility of some witchcraft being used on me since although the trend of making potions had died long ago, the existence of it still remains. And it shouldn’t be a surprise that there are people that still make it. But what potion was used on me? And when did I even eat it? If it’s making me act this lovey dovey towards Jeno then... was a love potion used on me? I gimaced at the thoughts. There’s no way someone like Jeno used a love potion on me. If I developed any feelings for him, it’s genuine and not forced and faked by a potion. Right?

“What’s wrong?” My lips formed an ‘O’ and I snapped my head down to Jeno who was looking at me with half opened and still sleepy eyes. I ran my hand through his soft hair again, combing through them in a slow pace. “If you’re this sleepy then you should sleep in your dorm and not here.” Jeno hummed and shook his head slowly, digging deeper into my chest and making me giggle from the tickled feeling I got from it. “I want to be with you.” Jeno’s voice was muffled against my shirt but it was clear as day through my eyes. And to hear Jeno say something like that had my heart feelings many different things at once.

For the next few days which lengthened itself into months, my relationship with Jeno slowly became from friends to lovers. Jeno was considerate with everything we did, asking if if was okay for us to kiss, or to take things to the next level. It’s as if he wouldn’t do anything without the decision being made by me. But in the process, I was still switching in and out. It came at random times, but those random times were while I hung out with Jeno. Whether it’d be seeing him on campus or hearing his voice through our calls, there was no telling when I’d switch and it frustrated me for so long now.

One day late at night I went to the library in hopes of fiinding a book that would explain whatever it is that was happening to me. And to my surprise, there was. It’s located in the History section of the library. I was surprised that such books on potion still existed and put on shelves for education. I doubt anyone touched this is years. The book had caught dust in the surface of the pages as well as any crevice and smallest nook it could get itself into. I slowly opened it up and tried my best to not get dust on my self as I brushed them away, reaching my hand out as far as possible to distance my face from the book. Once most of the dust was gone, I began to flip the page where it said “Love Potion” as the topic.

I began reading. And my eyes widened with each paragraph I read going down. The effects of the potion, it’s what I’m experiencing now. It said that it could be put into anything. So anything that I ate that day could’ve had the presence of the potion and I digested it into my body without me knowing. And the only way to break it was with a “Heartbreak Potion.” But it doesn’t say how to make it. Even if there was, it’d be impossible for me to find the ingredients for it. I balled fists into my hair as I silently groan in frustration. Great, I’m under a love spell that got me to like Jeno, the first person I looked at the moment the potion took effect. And then it hit me.

“Wait... If Jeno was the one that used the potion on me?” My body froze for a moment and my breathing stopped, lungs clenching but my mind continued to turn its gears. Why would he do that in the first place? As much as I wanted to think it wasn’t true, I had to ask him for the answer myself. And so the next day, I called Jeno, and prayed that the potion would not work on me while I asked him.

“Do you know about the love potion?” I asked Jeno. We were sitting on the bench on campus as the sun was setting. Streaks of pink and orange filled the sky with hints of purple. The weather wasn’t bad, too. It was cooling and just right. I hate how I had to make the air around us tense by asking this question. Jeno lifted his head up from my shoulder and rest his chin, looking up at me and shrugging. “Yeah, I guess. It used to be popular.” I gulped deeply and tightened my grip on my knees. “Have you ever tried it on someone before...?” Jeno slowly sat up right, he was looking at me, specifically right into my eyes as if searching for something in them. A long moment of silence went by, and it was a long moment of not being able to breathe in anticipation.

“So you knew.” I froze. My face remained expressionless. Knew? So I was right? He used the potion me. Jeno sighed and nodded his head in a defeating manner, sucking in his lips before saying “I could already tell something was wrong with the potion when your behaviour changed ever now and then.” He let out, scratching his eyes. I was still in a freezing moment, and it took awhile for the anger to settle in. And once it did when I came to my sense, my heart was burning and my eyes flared. With protuberant eyes I stood up from the bench, running my hand through my hair in anger and scoffing loudly. “Why the fuck would you do that to me? Why make me go against my will to love you?” I scowled.

Jeno jerked back at the sudden raise of my voice. He seemed like he didn’t have any words to fight back. He had his head hung low after taking one glance at me, and I knew he didn’t want to meet my eyes out of embarrassment and shame. “So were any of your feelings for me true?” I let out a sound to fireback but I quickly held it back the moment I registered the question. I balled my fist beside me, my eyes beginning to form its well of tears that my pride simply wouldn’t let them fall. “They were, Jeno. Were. But now I can’t tell.” My shuddering voice came out and my words were barely understandable. I turned around sharply to walk away, and instantly the first tear made its way down my cheek. I can’t believe I grew this weak for Jeno.

But after a second thought, I turned back. “You give me the potion to break this one by tomorrow night. That will be the last time I see you.” I wiped off my tear, straightened my back and walked off. Although it seemed like I went away with no regrets nor care for Jeno, my heart was feeling too heavy for my body to bear and the tears were streaming down with no care for the world. I like Jeno, and I still do. But to find out he used a potion on me for his own benefits, I wondered if I was being used. I wondered if I was simply something to fill his void of loneliness. If I was only loving towards him for the sake of it. I had to distance myself from Jeno to sort all this out.

— I’m better than this.

Jeno watched with despair as her figure grew smaller and more out of his reach and disappeared. He knew it would come to this. He knew this exact situation was inevitable the moment he saw the change in her. The falter of her behaviour, the flaws of the love potion. He was thinking about why he never bothered to tell her about the love potion, why he didn’t want to explain it to her in the first place. It wouldn’t be breaking his heart this badly if he told her sooner, right? But then again, with the type of person she was, he knew it would have an impact on him. He wanted to give her an explanation before she walked off, but Jeno’s body and mouth didn’t let him do it for some reason, like it was best for her to leave while he stood rooted to the ground out of his will. “I’ll ask Jisung for the potion breaker...” Jeno whispered to himself. And for the first time in a long time, he broke down in tears, it rushed down his face and he wasn’t sure if his body and heart could even hold up any longer that evening.

That night he asked Jisung to make him the potion breaker. They stayed up till three while Jeno watched him make it. The silence in the dorm kitchen was killing the soul out of Jisung and he hated how Jeno had been piercing his eyes into his back and scrutinising every move he made. Jisung turned around with an angered huff, his forehead creased as lines formed in between his eyebrows. “Can you quit staring at me like that?” Jeno honestly didn’t mean to be this infuriated towards Jisung, especially since Jisung was his favourite youngster amongst the group. He guessed he needed someone to blame for his own actions, to ignore his true feelings And in truth, Jisung was the one that made the love potion which ended up not working effectively. 

Jeno let out a sad sigh and covered his eyes with his palm for a moment before meeting his eyes back to Jisung. “I’m sorry. I just really hate myself right now.” Jeno said, his voice soft and almost weak in a sense. Jisung frowned at the hearing of Jeno’s voice. He knew he was hurting bad, and now he felt bad for lashing out at Jeno. “You’re better than what you did, Jeno.” Jisung whispered softly, turning his attention back to the making of his potion while having his back faced Jeno yet again. Jeno shifted his lips to one side, lifting his body up from the counter behind and walking up to stand beside Jisung with folded arms. “In all honestly...” Jisung began, he took in a deep breath, his chest rising up before exhaling sharply and shaking his head. “I didn’t want to make the love potion because I didn’t remember exactly how to make it in the first place.” Jisung gulped, loud enough for Jeno hear and infer that Jisung was afraid to tell him this, like Jeno would lash out. Instead, Jeno kept silent so Jisung continued. 

“But I felt bad for you. I saw the way you looked at her. I didn’t want you to lose the chance. I’m sorry, Jeno.” Jisung was finally mixing the potion with a glass rod, slowly with a solemn expression. Jeno lets out a breath and snaked his arms around Jisung’s shoulder pulling him closer and patting his chest with his free hand. “It’s fine. You did it out of kindness. I’m the one at fault here for even thinking of using it in the first place.” Jeno said, and his heart was sincere. Jisung hummed and gave him the breaking potion. “Once she drinks it, fix things with her, alright? Give this damn story a happy ending.” Jeno chuckled. “You say as if it’s a novel.” Jisung shurgged. “Kinda is.”

I couldn’t sleep a wink that night. All I thought about was Jeno. When in actuality I planned to forget about him while going home. Funny how I wasn’t able to do something I needed to do. But clearly it’s because I was still in love with Jeno. My mind flashbacked to the times I spent with him, times I wasn’t under the spell of a love potion. My smile, my laughter at his lame but amusing humour. They were real, with or without the potion. Would I look pathetic to went back to him even though he used a love potion on me? Would I look low? Those questions began my spiral down the deep dark hole of my thoughts, and they were travelling to the saddest and worst outcomes I could ever formulate. I really do hate how our minds work sometimes, how we overthink to the farthest end just from one thought. 

Out of pure frustration and inability to sleep, I threw on my hoodie and sweatpants, ready to head for the convenience store to buy cans of beer and drink my thoughts and feelings away. Just when I put my hoodie on the way to the door and placed my hand on the cold doorhandle, the bell rang and I flinced back from the sudden loud ringing. I tiredly let out a sigh and looked through the peephole. My mood didn’t know how to change. Was I relieved to see Jeno standing there nervously with the potion in hand, or angered that I now would not be able to not think of Jeno till I get my can of beer? I pulled down my hoodie more, obscuring my eyes in hopes that I wouldn’t look Jeno in the eye and have myself falling much deeper than I wanted to. I pushed the door handle open and puled the door, Jeno’s figure coming into view. I kept my head down and scratched my tired eyes. “I’m here to give you the potion.” Jeno muttered, hlding it out just slightly away from his body. “I see that.” I snatched it away from him. Just when I wanted to close the dor and end my interaction with him there, his voice made my heart break. 

“Is this really the last time you’ll talk to me?” Jeno’s voice cracked, and I wasn’t sure how the reply. I was feeling a lot of things at once and I hated how I still have yet to untangle the huge ball of it that blocked air into my lungs. “If you know me well enough, I’m a petty person and I’ll give them the silent treatment till I get better.” I slid the potion into the pocket of my hoodie and shoved my hands in there as well. I exhaled with a shrug. “In this case, I don’t know when I’ll feel better. Or I don’t know, trust you again.” I was valid to say that, I thought to myself. I had the right to say it. So why was I feeling something negative spurring in my chest as I let out those words?

“I-” Jeno’s sentence fell sort. He tilted his head up to face the ceiling as if tryign to formulate and answer to say. But in the end he could only drop his head back down and a defeated sigh left his lips. “I’ll wait for you.” Jeno said, as if unable to come up with any better answer in the tense cold air of the night. “Wait? There’s no point in waiting if you don’t earn back my trust.” I replied, and amused tone glinting my words. Jeno gave a sidelong glance before meeting my eyes. God were they soft, pitiful, gentle and loving. “I’ll wait till you get better and sort it out with you. Please just...” Jeno sighed. “I don’t want to let you go, okay?” As much as I hated going back on my own words ad thoughts of defence against Jeno, I bit my lower lip nodded my head. “We’ll see.” 

A long time had passed since I last saw Jeno, or actually talked to him. I did see him very briefly on campus, but I made sure to not serve him even one glance and continued walking though I felt his eyes on me the whole way till I turn a corner. With the bunch of workload I was suddenly given that month, and with the help of coffee, I was able to get myself back on track and focus on my work, slowly going back to who I was-- a hustler with no care for the world other than to get work done. Clearly, Jeno still lingered at the back of my mind, seconds before I want to shut my eyes to sleep. He never left, and I don’t think he ever will. I had nights staying up, just drawing mindless circles while my mind trailed to thinking about Jeno and how he was doing, how he was coping with my loss. Whether he was hurting. I didn’t rule out the possibility that he might not feel anything at all and was putting on a sad front for me. Who knows? I still have yet to trust his feelings for me were real when he used a damn love potion. 

Weeks turned into months and in no time the cold season came, with snow falling in small bits and bringing the freeze into play. One other thing I realised when December came was that my birthday was coming in just few days. One faithful morning I woke up to the doorbell ringing annoyingly loud and repetitively for a couple of cycles while I try to fully wake myself up and lazily walking up to the door. I swung it open and Jaehyun was there to greet me a happy good morning with a small cake in his hand. I laughed and and rubbed my eyes to clear my vision. “Red velvet cheesecake!” I screamed, snatching the cake away from him and running back into my dorm. I placed it on the coffee table and grabbed two spoons from the kichen while I heard Jaehyun walking in and closing the door behind him. Jaehyun sat down on the couch and I sat next to him, handing hi the spoon. 

“Not much. I’m not working so I hope this will do. Can I count this as a Christmas present as well?” Jaehyun said in a joking tone, but it seemed like it was agenuine question. I grinned widely and ruffled his hair. “I don’t need presents at this age for a good Christmas. I just need an outing with you and I’m good.” My smiled widely till my eyes formed thin lines and instantly dig into the cheesecake. I didn’t care to notice thid at first, but the flavours that instantly hit my tongue made me moan in satisfaction. “You got this from my favourite cake shop.” I said, dreamily humming. Jaehyun chuckled and nodded his head, scooping a bite for himself. “We always went there and pretended to be a couple to get free food samples please.” I laughed loudly, the memories of when we first began being friends came to mind. “Ah good times indeed.” 

Jaehyun hummed as if he wanted to say something, so I turned my head to look at him from the cake. “You need to get ready by the way. I’m taking you somewhere for another birthday surprise.” I widened my eyes in anticipation, a smirk forming on my lips while a sly smile formned on his. “Alright. Do i need to dress up to look my best?” Jaehyun shrugged with pursed lips after glancing to the side fo a moment. “Well, yeah. He’s like to see you in your prettiest state.” I raised an eyebrow in suspicion. “He? Who’s he?” Jaehyun raised in shoulders. “I don’t know.” He waved his hand carelessly, as if dismissing my words. “Now go get ready.” I hissed in annoyance but nodded my head excitedly and went to get ready. I wore the cutest outfit I had, proud of how good I looked when I stood in front of my full length mirror. I went out to the living room, seeing Jaehyun already gathering his things to go. He gave me no time as he was already walking on the door and I had to fastened my pace to meet him at his car outside the building. 

Not surprisingly enough, he had me wearing a blindfold in the car. I guess he wanted the location to be a surprise as well. Fear overwhelmed me when the car stopped and I heard Jaehyun leaving the car to open the door on my side for me. I held tight onto his arm and he gently placed his arm around my shoulders to try his best to lead me to the location without having my lose my step or tripping. Together, I took small wary steps and I was completely clueless as to where we were. It’s as if sight has blocked all my other sense from working and my sense of smell wasn’t working either as all I could smell was the freezing cold and nothing else.

Jaehyun places both his hands firmly on my shoulder and abruptly stopping me. I didn’t know where I was and all I could do was stay frozen at where I stood. Jaehyun slowly lets go of me and I heard his footsteps walking away. I turned around frantically, not even caring if I was facing the right direction. “Do I take the damn blindfold off?!” I shouted loudly, hopefully Jaehyun was able to hear. But there was no reply, instead, I almost fall when I tripped behind my foot at the sudden noise of a very familiar chuckle very close to me. I instantly felt the presence of the person right in front of me. He didn’t need to touch me for me to already feel his warmth. He was quick to wrap an arm around my waist expertly. I wasn’t able to move an inch I was that stunned.

— We're better than this.

I felt the fingers of his free hand touch the blindfold, trailing them to the back of my head to pull the tie and release my eyes from the darkness. It took awhile for my eyes to adjust, but once they did, the first thing I saw were Jeno’s eyes. “You’re still as clumsy as I remembered.” Jeno said in a lowered voice. I couldn’t believe he was standing here. For a moment I forgot that I’d be seeing him again. That we’d eventually forget what we had and move on with our lives. I was enveloped into his warmth with my body pressed up against mine. He slid the blindfold into his pocket and placed his palm on my cheek. They were greeted with warmth instantly as well and I forgot the feeling of the cold biting at my skin.

“And you’re still as pretty as the moment I laid my eyes on you when you walked into that café.” Jeno continued. My mouth was frozen and my tongue could not move. Words that I wanted to say remained in my throat as I have yet to fully process his presence right here. “You’re here, on my birthday?” Jeno smiled softly, ever so soft and small. With a downshift of his head he answered, “You told me you’d wish to spend your birthday with me since you only ever had Jaehyun.” I remembered my words very clearly. I didn’t know he’d even take that into account since I myself didn’t exactly found that as an important information at the time.

“If you haven’t noticed, we’re at our place too.” I adverted my attention to my surroundings. Indeed it was. It was my most favourite place that I visited with Jeno. I’ve never seen the park during winter, and it made my heart burst with a longing feeling as I saw just how beautiful the park had become when it welcomed the snow. “Well um I just wanted to say.” Jeno began, and I turned to look at him. I searched his gaze. They never changed. They looked the same the last time I got up close to him. Nothing about him had changed, I now realised. He was still Jeno.

“My birthday present for you is that I’m about to say the three magic words that I have never said in too long of a time because I never believed love was real. And although I still did that last time, it made me realise that these words are worth for someone who decided to stay with me even though they suspected and knew I used it on them.” Jeno brought his face closer, his warm breath breathing against my skin, particularly my lips. He glanced down at it before staring right into my eyes, as if I was the only person in his vision and everything else around us disappeared. I was the only important thing at that moment, and he was as well. His lips brushed him and he whispered, “I love you.” And we shared a kiss.

“You’re coming back tonight.” Jaehyun said for the hundredth time. And maybe more or less, I’ve lost track. I plopped myself onto the silk sheet bed and rolled over for my stomach to be pressed against the mattress. I placed my phone in front of me with Jaehyun being annoyingly up close to the screen like he always does whenever we video call. Though, I so hated doing this.

I forced a smile, trying my best to keep up with the good image of a loving girlfriend in front of him. “How many times do you have to say that, Jae?” I giggled, so desperately wanting to roll my eyes in disgust at how high pitch I sounded. Jaehyun looked away from the screen for a brief moment while humming, eventually adverting his gaze back to me with a cheeky smile. “Well I don’t know... Until you come back.” Jaehyun chuckled lowly and ran a hand through his hair. I breathed out a light laughter in response and sighed. “Babe I’m gonna walk around London one more time before I head to the airport. Can I call you later? Maybe before I depart.” I suggested, already wanting to throw my phone away for me to faint off to sleep.

Jaehyun hummed in agreement, his smile still as bright and happy from the time we started video calling two hours ago. “Have fun, alright? I’ll be waiting at the airport for you.” Jaehyun whispered, leaning in to give a quick peck to the camera and giggling after. I simply responded with a light smile and nodded before lazily waving goodbye and finally ended the call. I placed my phone screen down on the bed and turned over, my legs and hands spread out widely like a starfish. I never intended to the walk around London. I’ve done that for the past two years here. Sure this place was a breath of fresh air, being away from Jaehyun. But just when I hoped to explore another country, my mother decided it was a good time for me to reunite with my boyfriend.

I turned my head to the side, eyes making contact with the wide window that revealed the sunset with streaks of orange and pink casted in between the clouds, light from the bright sun lowering itself dawning into the room with a orange hue. I sighed. I didn’t want to go back to Korea. I would never do that if I wasn’t forced to. I didn’t want to see Jaehyun. I didn’t like how my mother forced me into this relationship with him just so he could provide me a bright future. I groaned and sat up, shaking my head from all the stress I’ve collected just from thinking about having Jaehyun’s arms around me.

I shivered in disgust and even gagged from the thought. I wrapped my arms around my chest, instantly widening my eyes as a idea popped into my mind. I quickly grabbed my phone from my side and searched my contacts, instantly clicking on the one person I could trust in the whole country. And practically the only friend I ever had here. “Taeyong! Cafe, thirty minutes. Emergency.” I didn’t give him time to respond nor time to explain. Though I heard him let out a confused hum on the other end, I ended the call and bounced out of bed, running for the showers to get ready.

I waited at the usual table, the one that was seemingly always vacant whenever Taeyong and I went to the café that we’d call it our own spot at this point. I had my head tilted down to look at my phone that was on the table, occasionally switching between social media apps and eventually ended up scrolling through Titkoks out of pure boredom while waiting. The bell above the entrance’s door sounded, making me shoot my head up so fast I could have possibly given myself whiplash.

As if the whole world had gone dark, Taeyong made his way through the door. All the sunlight seemed to be captured by his bright pink hair, keeping all of it for itself. And I had to admit, it felt as if only he could rock such a colour. He only came wearing a loose white tee and black jeans, but it accentuated his perfectly proportional and lean physique. It was the simplicity of his that had me staring throughout the time he spotted me and came walking over. “So what is such an emergency that we had to meet hm?” Taeyong questioned, already sitting opposite from me.

I blinked my eyes and shook my head in rapid small movements before clearing my throat. “You being a doctor could actually be of use right now.” I leaned in, arms crossed on the table with my shoulder naturally lifting itself up and I got close to Taeyong. A slight smirk unintentionally crept up my face, resulting in Taeyong giving off an utterly confused expression with his eyes narrowing down on me with his brows raising just a fraction and a tilted head. “Wait what? Are you injured or something? Is that why it’s an emergency?”

I groaned, proceeding to let my body fall back into the seat and slamming a pal to my forehead. I shook my head vigorously and ran a hand down my face. “Look. You know I’m going back to Korea soon. But the thing is, I don’t want to.” I quickly explained to Taeyong, hoping he’d catch on. Taeyong let out a soft “Ah” while nodding his head. “Is your mother forcing you to go back just to be with Jaehyun?” I downshifted my head as an answer. Taeyong glanced sideways, rubbing his jaw thoughtfully. “Then what? You want me to pretend you’re sick just so you don’t have to see him?” I bobbed my shoulders, the evil smirk making its way back to my lips.

Taeyong had his lips form a thin line, somewhat in a unsure and having second thoughts manner. He’d normally agree to whatever I asked him to do. But this clearly had him thinking twice. After awhile, Taeyong hissed in uncertainty and smacked his lips. It was now his turn to lean in, eyes so fixated on mine as if he was trying to hypnotise me. “I don’t even get why you don’t like him. He seemed nice through the phone, not to mention he is deliciously hot.” Taeyong commented, practically fawning over Jaehyun as he looked out in a way to picture Jaehyun in his mind. I snapped my fingers in front of him, resulting in Taeyong to chuckle in suspicion and shaking his head to clear slate of Jaehyun.

“How many times do I have to rant about him?! I practically do that 24/7, Taeyong!” I scolded him, a upsetting frown settling on my lips. And indeed it’s true. I’d always mention Jaehyun during our outings and meetups, that was due to the fact that Jaehyun would be blowing up my phone with texts and calls, which is why I always had to switch my phone off every time I went anywhere with Taeyong. But either way, I’d never pass up an opportunity to blow my head off in anger and annoyance when Taeyong unintentionally brought up Jaehyun. “Honestly I can’t do anything. You know your mother would come looking for you anyways.”

With a shrug Taeyong laid back into his seat, resting both arms on the armrests, a teasing smile cracking up. “You think I don’t know that? No matter how much I want to run, being here is the furthest yet I’m still trapped.” I complained with a whine of a little child. “I don’t like how my mother’s forcing me into this. I never liked Jaehyun. He disgusts me on levels I never knew existed. He’s just too clingy and...” I shivered just like how I did in my room to physically show my thoughts of Jaehyun. Taeyong sighed and shook his head. “Sucks to be you. But you still have to go back. You can call me whenever, you know that right?” Taeyong flashed a smile of reassurance, one that never failed to make my heart flutter ever so slightly and bring warmth to me in a matter of seconds.

I hummed and nodded. “I’ll miss you.” I whispered, looking at Taeyong straight in his eyes. He closed his eyes for a moment and when his eyelids fluttered back open, his eyes formed a thin line, showing that he was smiling so wide that his eyes could disappear. “I’ll be sending you to the airport, love. Miss me then. Taeyong stood up and leaned forward to pat my head with his hand. “See you later, okay?” Taeyong reassured me once again before he flashed his boba eyes to me one last time before turning around and making his way out of the café. As he walked past, he glanced at me through the window and downshifted his head in a silent greeting with me doing the same till he was completely out of view.

Later that day, it’s as if I blinked my eyes once and I’m already here at the airport with Taeyong. I kept wishing for this day to never come, wanting it to be further into the future so I’d have more time to spare here in London. But of course, everything had to come to an end, that includes my freedom. I had a slight frown on my face as I looked up to the board stating the flights, seeing the flight to Korea being the first at the top. I turned to Taeyong, instantly pulling him into a hug with my arms around his torso. “Thank you, for making my two years here an amazing one.” I said, words getting muffled as I snuggled my face deeper into his chest. Taeyong gently combed my hair through his fingers.

“Glad to know you’ll miss me. I’m unforgettable after all.” Taeyong teased, which only made us let out breathless chuckles. “Quit flattering yourself.” As if on cue, the announcement for my flight to Korea was made like a bell toll in my head. I looked up to Taeyong one last time, placing a friendly peck on his cheek before finally letting him go and walking away. I could feel that his eyes never left my back but I was too scared to look back, afraid that I’ll miss him more than I already was.

On the plane, I slept through most of the time. I didn’t even bother eating the food provided. Luckily for me, I had the my favourite seat of being right by the window. Though it was night and I could practically see nothing but my very own reflection, something about sitting at the window gave me a sense of calm and peace. Though I wasn’t feeling it right now as I tried to sleep off the fact that I’ll be seeing Jaehyun in an hour’s time.

The moment I landed in Korea, the first thing that caught my eye was Jaehyun, who was already standing right there, just for me. Don’t get him wrong he is attractive with his all back outfit and ashy grey hair that stood out the most. I just never saw him being my potential lover. I actually felt bad for him, as I walked up to him. But something about how he stood— with his arms crossed and a lazy posture— that had me somewhat worried. He seemed out of place, not the usual all rainbows and sunshine like I knew him to be. From a far distance, I could already tell something was off. And that sent a unnerving shiver throughout my body.

The closer I got, the more Jaehyun’s eyes were locked on mine, his gaze trapping mine in a matter of seconds. I finally stood in front of him, no words exchanged. We simply stared at each other. The air around us growing uncomfortably thick in the scariest ways possible. Deep in his eyes, there was something negative lodged in his pupils. His aura was hitting me like a huge wave of unknown feelings. I hated it. Something’s wrong, and I couldn’t figure out what. “Hey.” I finally said to break the silence, a smile forming on my lips in an attempt to look happy, even after whatever staring contest went down.

Jaehyun cleared his throat and straightened his back, me doing the same to rid the thoughts of him until later. “Hi.” He simply said. Funny, he would’ve talked a lot more like he did on the phone. Now that I’m here, I expected him to bombard me with whatever I missed out on his life. Seemingly enough, he’s silent. And it was giving me a vibe I deeply disliked. He bent down to grab hold of my suitcase beside me. It took me a split of a second to find his face so close next to mine, and his eyes gave a glance that could make me shudder if I didn’t stay still and held my breath to keep my composure under control. What even was that...?

That short motion of his had the impact of a meteor on me, but he was just fine. He stood up normally, his fingers wrapped around the suitcase handle, and he simply began walking, not another word said. I wanted to stand there and get my mind gears going, my calculative instinct begging to kick in just to know what’s with Jaehyun’s odd and out of place behaviour. But I knew it wouldn’t do me any good. I was tired from the flight and what I needed most was sleep, a whole day’s worth of it.

And so I quickly followed behind to catch up to Jaehyun, eventually ending up on his side. But with the long strides he made with his long legs, I fell behind a couple of times and I was getting irritated at how I needed to constantly catch up. “Slow down.” I muttered to him, swiping strands of hair that flew into my mouth away from my face and behind my ear. Jaehyun didn’t respond at all, keeping his head and eyes straight for the exit to the parking lot. The silence was unbearable and I knew it’ll only get worse when we enter the car.

Once we reached the parking lot, Jaehyun took his key out from his pocket, unlocking the doors. Without giving a glance or any form of eye contact whatsoever, he went straight for the trunk to put in my luggage. Jaehyun would always open the car door for me. But I knew all too well he wouldn’t be doing that now he had that attitude of his, so I opened it myself and entered the car, getting myself settled in. Jaehyun eventually came in as well. One thing I noticed while he got ready to start up the car was the fact that he tried to keep his actions as calm as possible. I could see the urge from his veins popping out of his forearms that there was a form of anger he was desperate to let out, but he was compressing it as much as possible.

Beford Jaehyun could turn the key to start the engine, I placed a hand on top of his, right where the keys are. “Jaehyun?” I called out in a whisper, my eyes trailed from his tensed hand to his face. He was clearly avoiding eye contact, looking away and out the window. “Baby...” I said again, this time lowering my voice much more. “Are you okay? Are you mad? What happened?” I felt like I was asking too many questions at once and I was scared that he would explode into rage. But he didn’t. Jaehyun instead flashed a smile. But I knew this smile. It was fake, forced. I knew him long enough to know his habits, obvious and not so obvious.

“Don’t give me that look. Why are you like this? I thought you’d be happy to see me.” I gave a frown, acting desperate while I tried to register his every move and expression change, down to the little fraction change of his features. He raised one brow up, and the side of his lip quirked up. I widened my eyes and my expression was slowly turning to a shocked and confused one when he scoffed. “No I was happy. But whatever. Everything’s fine.” Jaehyun gave out the forced smile again. But this time he did it so well, it could have covered whatever amused face he had on moments ago if I wasn’t observing.

“Reminder that my parents and yours wants us to have dinner with them tomorrow night. Get settled by then. And I’m picking you up at six.” Jaehyun’s voice was monotonous, so monotoned that it was creepy. He was giving out every information I needed to know, not giving me a chance to question him in a way to start a conversation. He was full out blocking up and giving me the silent treatment. I would have had an interrogation on him just to know what was going on in that pretty head of his. But I was nothing but tired and would fall asleep instantly on any bed.

Once the sunlight hit my face as we exited the underground parking lot, I instantly squinted my eyes closed on instinct, head tilted in wards and looking down. I relaxed my eyelids soon after. But before I drifted off to sleep, I opened my eyes just a few fractions, seeing Jaehyun having his hand on one thigh and the other on the steering wheel. He had his eyes on the road as if driving was all that mattered to him at that current point. I closed my eyes back fully and went to sleep.

It felt like hours had pass by the moment I fluttered my eyes open. Still half-asleep and in the motion of trying to fully waken my mind, I looked around to take in my surroundings. I squinted my eyes in the pure darkness to clear my vision even the slightest bit. I was in my apartment. But something felt off. I tilted my head down, my eyes meeting with my outfit from the airport now changed to merely a short silk black nightgown dress with thin lace straps. I touched the silk between my fingers and gasped to myself crawling backwards and having my back make contact with the headboard of the bed on impact. I winced and placed a hand to the small of my back, shaking my head.

I took a second look around my room. My luggage was at the door, my valuables were taken out of my purse and placed on my night stand. And the door was barely opened. I turned to my night stand, my hand having to slam it mindlessly to find my phone in the complete darkness. The light from my phone almost blinded me and I quickly adjusted it to lower the brightness. I then looked at the time on the lock screen. “Five?” It was 5:34AM. I grunted softly and moved my body to sit at the edge of the bed. I had my eyes at the opened door for awhile, suddenly realising that there was a sliver of light that shined in the space between the ever so slightly opened door.

I gathered my energy to rise myself out of bed and took small lazy steps to the door. I placed my free hand on the handle, that was cold to the touch and pulled it for the door to swing fully open. I was greeted with more light. This time, the light came from the living room, illuminating the hall in front of me a orange hue. I had to bend forward to strain my ears, but I could hear a faint audio coming from the living room. I glanced at my phone that was lazily wrapped between my fingers for a moment before adverting my attention back to the living room. I took long strides to get there with my head hung loose.

As the living room came to view, the orange light was now brighter as the source of it was the lamp beside the tv. And in front of the tv sat a shadowy figure that would take me no time to notice. Jaehyun was laying on the couch, his head on the side of the couch where he could see me the moment he noticed my presence. He had his phone close to phone face but before I could even process more, he already had his phone tilted away and down from himself and had made eye contact with me almost instantly. “You’re awake.” Jaehyun said in a low tone.

I hummed and ran a hand through my hair. I felt uncomfortable walking around wearing something this revealing. Especially in front of Jaehyun. I made an attempt to clear my throat to get his attention, which I now wondered why I did so since he already had his full attention of me, eyes scrutinising my every move. I stood in front of him, arms wrapped around my body as if I was exposed of my bare body. “D-Did you have to change me to this?” I specifically raised my tone slightly on the last word, downshifting my head to the dress before looking back at Jaehyun.

“It’s not the first time guys have seen you wearing that, I’m sure.” Jaehyun eyes were locked on mine, but it slowly began to trailed down my body. They were keen and focused on my dress, the way it cupped my curves elegantly and also the exposure it has made. I was thinking about how he kept staring too much that I didn’t fully digest what he just said, absentmindedly letting out a “What?” in question. To which he responded, without an answer at all. Instead, he added another sentence. “It’s not the first time i’ve changed your clothes either.” Jaehyun shot his eyes back to mine instantly at his word, a cunning smile appearing on his lips as he licked his lower lip. He jolted himself out of the couch, which got me to take a step back in response.

“My mother asked me to stay here till you wake. And now that you are, I’ll get going. Don’t forget about the dinner.” Jaehyun began grabbing his wallet and other necessities off the coffee table. And just before he could take a step to the door, I grabbed hold of his wrist. “Baby why are you like this?” He was doing it again. He was being straightforward. He was leaving no room for us to converse. The tension he gave off was high and obvious. Jaehyun smacked his lips and flatten them into a line. “I’m playing a guessing game with you, if you have yet to catch on. Think long and hard.” Jaehyun grumbled lowly under his breath, almost a whisper when he turned his head to me to answer.

Jaehyun jerked his wrist free of my hold and sauntered off, sliding his wallet into the back pocket of his jeans in one swift motion. He opened the door. And when I thought he wouldn’t even bother to look back, he stopped in his tracks with one foot out the door. He didn’t bother turning around completely, simply looking at me over his shoulder and saying, “Oh. And you can stop calling me baby. It disgusting to my ears.” I narrowed my eyes on his back as he disappeared. I still had them on the closed door, Jaehyun’s actions and words replaying in my head one more time which made my eyebrows furrow and creases to form on my forehead. “What did he mean by that?”

That question had been on my mind the whole day. While I unpacked, did my laundry, ate breakfast and lunch at home with ordering takeout. I lost count at how many times it kept resonating. Along with that, I kept thinking of whatever possible meanings his words could have. “Jaehyun couldn’t be acting like this without a reason. I know him. He doesn’t act carelessly.” I muttered to myself as I played my food around with my fork. I eventually grew frustrated and stuck my fork into the chicken breast with force and groaned, tilting my head back.

From the time I knew Jaehyun, despite me disliking him, I never failed to take note of his actions and behaviour like I do with everyone else around me. I was always calculative in that sense. I took time to mentally note their habits, attitude, know when are the times I should keep a distance or if they’re in need of comfort. But right now, I couldn’t tell any of that about Jaehyun. I recalled every single thing Jaehyun has said to me. I knew for a fact that he never did anything without reason.

“Everything had meaning. But what the fuck is it?” I grunted and placed my palms on my cheeks, leaning forward and resting my upper body against the table. The longer I thought and tried to form a map in my head, I realised that it had something to do with me, or something I did. And that’s the very thing. I didn’t know what. Time felt as if it flew by fast like the wind when I saw that I needed to start getting ready for the dinner. I quickly cleaned up my food and headed for my room, all while thinking about just how much time I wasted having to wrap my mind around Jaehyun.

I was on my couch, laying around while waiting for Jaehyun to come pick me up. However, as time went on and I began to realise he might me late, I tried to spam him with text messages, hoping he’ll receive them and reply immediately like he always did. He didn’t. I gazed my eyes to the clock on the wall and I began to panic. My heart began to pick up its pace as I realised that I was going to be late. And my parents had a thing for being punctual.

With no options left, I went to the Grab app to try and pick up a ride. Luckily I was able to get a ride. But I had to ride it with strangers. And that wasn’t the best thing ever. I felt uncomfortable in the sense that I was overdressed in a car with people wearing regular home clothes. The amount of times the woman beside kept staring at me was unbearable but I tried my best to keep my eyes to the window. The restaurant finally came to view and I quickly paid the driver and got out to get rid from the prying eyes from the passengers.

Of course the restaurant had to be a high class one. The outer was all nothing but gold with wide windows to show off what it had to offer inside. The bright sign above the door had never flickered once each time I came here and it’s no surprise that I still see the restaurant as new as it first opened. I could already see my parents and Jaehyun’s at a table near the inner corner of the restaurant. I squinted my eyes and tiptoed in an attempt to spot Jaehyun, but he was no where to be seen. I took in a deep breath and straighten my back and shoulders. And with confidence and not a single look of weariness, I stepped in.

“Mother.” I greeted once I arrived to the table. Mother offered a kind and sincere smile as I downshifted my head to greet the rest. My mind was still at where Jaehyun could be. “Where’s Jaehyun?” Father questioned me and I instantly came zinging back to reality. I shook my head to clear the slate of Jaehyun. “Um I’m not sure...” I trailed off, an unsure expression on my face but I quickly remove it to replace back my kind smile. Jaehyun’s parents were at my surroundings, as if trying to find Jaehyun. In the end they shrugged it off and I took an empty seat next to Jaehyun’s mother.

“How was London, dear?” She placed her utensils down and turned her head to me. I immediately adverted my gaze to her to reciprocate her attention. “It’s been amazing. It’s such a beautiful country.” I said with an amicable smile. Jaehyun’s mother was the only one who practically showed the most genuine love for me other than my parents. I favoured her more and I liked talking to her instead of seating there in silence. She and I chatted about my whereabouts in London and after awhile, my food came. Yet Jaehyun didn’t.

I was slicing at my steak with my head down when I suddenly spotted pointed black polished shoes right beside, a large shadow looming over me. Everyone turned their heads, including me in unison. Jaehyun was here, in a all black suit and tie. His hair was slicked back and he looked professional. That in itself made me swoon over his attractiveness. He didn’t bother to even take a glance to me, he simply had his attention to my parents. “Sorry for being this late. I had an urgent meeting and I had something private to take care off right after.” Jaehyun explained. I could tell he was panting from the way his chest went up and down in rapid motions, but thsy were so small it might have been invisible to the parents. Hus voice was able to cover his up well too.

Jaehyun took the only empty seat next to me and adjusted his blazer, moving himself closer to the table as his food came to be served. “Where the fuck were you?” I whispered in a hushed tone, leaning in to his neck. One thing was different, I noticed instantly. His scent was the first thing I noticed. But what came along with it was a strong scent of a woman’s perfume. And it would never be one of mine. Lines formed between my brows and I eased myself away from Jaehyun when I didn’t get answer. He wasted no time to dig into his food to avoid my questioning.

Some hours have passed and now it was mostly our parents talking about business and other nonsense I wouldn’t have a care in the world to hear. Jaehyun and I ate in silence for the longest time. And what made it worse was the fact that they’d try to pull us into the conversation once in awhile to get us to talk. We simply nod, flash a smile and went on to eating. The air between Jaehyun and I wasn’t to my liking. And Jaehyun looked relaxed and calm. Something about it was chilling and unsettling.

“Am I able to excuse Jaehyun and I? I need to have a private chat with him.” I finally let out after thinking it through my mind this entire time. I had to confront him one way or another. Better now than later. I pushed my chair back and rose up to my feet. I looked at the parents for their approval.Everyone nodded their heads. “Don’t worry dear. You two can go home. We’re leaving soon anyways.” Jaehyun’s mother informed, cracking an amicable smile to her lips which I greatly admired. I smiled back and bowed in respect before gripping Jaehyun’s wrist, shooting a glare to him and dragging him out.

Once we were out of sight from the restaurant, I let go of his wrist and folded my arms, raising an eyebrow high. “Why were you late to pick me up?! You know my parents hate me being late. I’m about to get an earful through the phone soon.” I ran a hand through my hair and let out a huff. Jaehyun was nothing but motionless. He stood with his legs rooted to the ground and he stared at me with folded arms as if none of what I said went into his ears. “Jung Jaehyun!” I quietly shouted, the anger that I tried to hold in now seemed to be bubbling.

“I had somewhere to be.” Jaehyun said in a way where he thought it was obvious. Technically it was. I knew it from the get-go. “Okay where?” I specified further, shifting my weight from one leg to the other. Jaehyun took one step closer, that step was enough for him to be so close our bodies were barely touching. I had to look up at him, my eyes now filled with fury. What angered me more was his calmness. “I’m pretty sure I don’t have to say it out loud.” This whisper was low and his breath lightly brushed against my neck. I would have melted but I tried to keep my stern posture. “Ah. But you wouldn’t feel anything even if I did, right?” His question had me clueless. I was asking more in my head and I stared him with a calculating gaze.

Jaehyun must have noticed the gears turning in my head. And with a smirk as if wanting to plot a plan to ruin me whole, he takes a step back and left a gap of thick air between us. My lungs were clenched and no air would enter. “You’re fun, really.” Jaehyun slides his hands into the pockets of his dress pants with one swift motion, glancing down to his shoes with a strand of hair falling on his forehead that he chose to ignore. “Shall I take you home now?” Jaehyun grinned widely, as if whatever happened left no trace in his memory. I thought long and hard, but in the midst of all the anger and rage, I scoffed loudly and shook my head, showing attitude. “No.”

Jaehyun copies my expression, this time it was sarcastic amusement. “You’d rather take the train home? Never seen you do that in a long time.” Jaehyun breathed out. He was right. Ever since I dated him, he’d always offer a ride in his expensive cars. I never had to ride public transport ever again. I thought about it again, how I’d stand out in a crowd of regular people in an outfit this divine. “You showed attitude and now you want to offer me a ride? What sick game are you on?!” I pinched the bridge of my nose and shut my eyes. I couldn’t handle it. He’s been acting arrogant and had been nothing but rude ever since I landed here. He was making me run around like a blind mouse trying to find the reason for his sudden personality change.

“That’s the thing. If you want to know, you have to play the game.” Jaehyun slid out his car keys from his pocket and threw it in the air only to have it catch in his palm with much skill and fast paced motion. He let out a sly smirk in the process and turned on his heel and walked to his car. I swear I could see him bouncing on his heels ever so slightly as if he’d succeeded in playing me. And the sad truth was, he did. He had my mind messed up and I haven’t even been here for long.

I had just finished my lessons for the day at my University. I was able to catch up quick in the past few days. But although I had my mind now set on my studies, there were moments when I’d spend even the faintest of times on Jaehyun. I didn’t get into contact with him after that day. And I felt like that was the best of it. I never liked him. So why should I bother? We’d only have to act like a couple in front of our parents. So whatever he does shouldn’t be of any business to me, right?

I was on the phone with Taeyong. My one and only listening ear. I wondered if there was even a time he had never not been able to answer my calls. “Do you see what I’m saying now?! It was just so-” I balled a fist with my hand that was below the stack of books I was carrying. I groaned silently to keep my composure as I walked through the hall and out of the entrance. With people walking by, I wouldn’t want to make a fool of myself by acting like a total maniac. “He said to play the game. Then don’t play it. Don’t do what he wants you to do.” Taeyong suggested freely. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Easy for you to say. I actually want to know what he’s been up to.”

I could hear Taeyong whining over the phone like a child, a loud groan piercing my ears as he huffs into the speaker. “Then be some undercover agent and find out! Act like you aren’t when you actually are!” Taeyong shouted and I swear if I was able to slap him through the phone to quieten down, I would. “Wait why do you even care? Thought you hated to this guy to the bones. Isn’t it good now that he hates you too? It’s not like he’s bothering you by being the perfect sweetheart you despise.” Taeyong’s words resonated in my mind. He’s right.

“There’s nothing wrong in being curious, okay?” I retorted to bounce back quick from the long pause of silence. I could almost feel Taeyong shrugging when I heard shifts through the speaker. “I have to go now. Call you soon? And do what I say. I want to know what Jaehyun does!” Taeyong giggled like a tease, making me huff loudly. “I swear you’re cutely annoying and I hate it.” I breathed out a chuckle. Taeyong said his last goodbye and ended the call. And the moment I looked up, something caught my eye.

I instantly ran into the shadows of the hallways to hide myself. I slowly but surely crept my head out to take a peek. I didn’t need to squint my eyes for confirmation. It was as clear as day. And he wasn’t even trying to hide it. “Who the fuck is she?” I muttered, my mouth gaping ever so slightly at the sight. Jaehyun had his body close to a girl, and needless to say she had her hands all over him. I exhaled sharply. After a moment of confusion, my feelings quickly flickered from being surprised to pure amusement and annoyance.

I kept my eyes on them, fixated and direct. I couldn’t tell how Jaehyun was reacting to be very honest. There was something to him. Like he was being stoic and I wasn’t able to recognise any emotions through his actions or facial expressions. He was standing there like stone with his hands in his pockets, sometimes offering a smile for a brief moment but quickly changing his expression to a stoned and cold one. But the more I stared, the more I had this feeling in my chest. A feeling I thought I’d never feel towards this man.

I breathed a sigh and slapped a palm to my forehead, shaking my head slowly. “Why are you even feeling this way?” I scolded myself quietly. I swallowed and stood up straight from my peering posture, face fierce and on front. After throwing those thoughts out of my head, I turned around and walked away. I had to get out of there before those thoughts swallow me whole. But that attempt didn’t work. The moment I went home, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. How whoever that girl was had her hand brushing against Jaehyun’s arms. The way Jaehyun stood there as if nothing she did had any affect on him. I had to say, that was attractive on some level.

I slammed my pen down on the table and frowned deeply, pressing my palms against my cheeks as I leaned forward on my study table. I stared down long and hard, seeing my papers of assignments scattered and in disarray. I wasn’t able to get anything done properly with Jaehyun blocking my way of thinking. It was driving me insane at how he could possibly keep me up for hours on end if I don’t stop this. I groaned and pulled the hood of my hoodie over my head, rubbing my eyes. I took my phone from the top right hand corner of my table and headed to Twitter, the only place I could let out my steam.

I had already posted the tweets. The tweets where I talked about how stressed I was about Jaehyun. I didn’t even bother to censor his name I was that angry. I hated how he was causing my head to spin, making me feels things I never thought I’d feel. But it was only when I read over my bursts of anger that I realised Jaehyun could have seen them. He does follow me on Twitter. I widened my eyes and threw my phone out of my hands, letting it land hard on the table. “Shit.” I muttered under my breath. My chest was going up and down as my breathing quickened its pace. I picked up my phone and in frantic motions, tried to get into Twitter to delete them. But just when I turned on my phone, the doorbell rang. And I shivered in shock.

I shot my head to my room door, as if I got a sight of the front door. I placed my phone down on the table, trying to get my breathing back to normal as I made my way for the door. Thinking it could just be a delivery man, I didn’t bother to check through the peephole and simply opened the door. I could’ve jumped out of my skin at the sight if I wasn’t trying to keep my composure. “Saw your tweets. You seem pissed.” Jaehyun breathed out, raising both brows and bringing his phone up beside his face, showing me the thread tweets I posted before shoving his phone back into his pocket. “Why are you here?” A lot of questions were running through my mind at that very moment, but the only thing I could let out was the obvious.

“Want ice cream?” Jaehyun’s question had me stunned to the point where I wanted to reply with anger but instead had my voice left my throat. My mouth was moving yet no words seemed to be coming out. “W-What?” I asked, still utterly confused. Jaehyun exhaled sharply and glanced down before meeting my eyes again, this time he was looking at me different. His eyes were soft and gentle. It looked genuine. And I was genuinely surprised. “Your tweets are telling me you are stressed and you seem to be in need of ice cream.” Jaehyun tilted his head just a fraction. “It’s late and last minute but-”

“Sure.” I didn’t even know how I was able to let out that word. It’s as if I had no control of what to say and it simply fell through my lips. But hey, free ice cream was certainly what I needed. That was one of the few reasons why hanging out with Jaehyun was even the slightest bit bearable. As long as I had free food and had no worries, it wasn’t actually the worst thing life could offer. We went to our the ice cream shop. It was late at night and we were sitting on the road pavement. The stars were shining bright and the moon was shining brighter with its light radiating down on us. The cool breeze that swept by softly made the air between us unexpectedly lighter.

The silence wasn’t terrible either. It took us no exchange of words for us to have a calming night. Needless to say I needed this breath of fresh air. “I saw you.” I finally let out out after looking up to admire the ink black night sky for so long. “I know. I planned for you to see it.” I slammed my now empty cup of ice cream on the road in between my feet, shooting my head to him so fast I almost gave myself whiplash. “You fucking planned that? And for what?! The fuck’s been going on with you lately? Why are like this? This is why I’ve been-”

Jaehyun leaned in, so close that I could feel his breath on the skin of my face. And for some reason, there was a brief spark of electricity that was begging to have him go closer. “Be honest. Do you like me?” I blinked my eyes rapidly. Why would he be asking that out of the blue? We sat there in silence for the longest time. I didn’t know what to feel, nor what to say. My mind just went blank for a moment. Jaehyun raised his eyebrows and I forgot the fact that I needed to answer him. I guess my expressionless face had him thinking I didn’t hear him the first time. “Um...” I trailed off, not having an exact answer.

“If you don’t like me, say so. If you do and don’t mind my presence, say so.” Jaehyun’s voice was low and monotonous. I felt my breath abandon ship like its saying “Good luck to you, you’re on your own.” I had to look him in the eye— something that made me even more uncomfortable than this conversation. “It’s confusing.” I began, not knowing where to start and how to string my messed up feelings into words. I swallowed a huge lump to get my throat to clear, but I already knew I’d be slurring through my words. His face was still close to mine and it really had my breath hitched for the longest time.

“I don’t know, okay? It’s not that I don’t like you. I just don’t like how my parents are forcing me to marry you. I mean don’t you hate it? You know we don’t see each other that way. And to be honest, I have no control on who you hang out with anyways so I don’t even know why I feel-” Jaehyun’s chuckle caused me to stop my rambling. I had my eyes wide opened at his reaction I didn’t see coming at all. I was again at a loss of words. “Where are you getting at?” Jaehyun questioned me. I couldn’t keep my eyes on him, and so my gaze slowly trailed down to his face, unintentionally stopping at his pink, smooth lips. That wasn’t helping my fast beating heart at all.

“Who said I hate it? And who said we don’t see each other that way?” Jaehyun’s questions were left hanging in the air for some time. I could feel his eyes on me, observing every inch if my face while I simply had my eyes stared down on his neck and collarbones that were peaking out of his shirt. “Wait you...” I was left speechless yet again. But Jaehyun didn’t bother and proceeded talking. “You’re getting late at knowing what I’m trying to do. Which is a shame since I wanted to make this fun but now it’s annoying.” Jaehyun licked his lips and smacked them against each other, the pop sound that came out of it sent a shiver down my spine and my eyes never left his lips for the whole second of that action.

Jaehyun exhaled as a smirk rose up his lips. “I’m making you regret that you don’t like me the way I liked you.” My eyes went up to him quick as the words took no times to sunk itself into my mind. The realisation hit me but it put my frozen in my spot. Well he had me stuck since the very start, but now it felt as if I wasn’t able to move an inch. “I know you never liked me. And it grew annoying that our relationship’s entirely staged. I liked you once, but never again.” Jaehyun smiled with the intention of wanting it to hurt right at the perfect spot of my heart where it’d have the most effect. And his arrow of words didn’t miss even a spot away.

“How can you not believe me?!” I shouted to my iPad that was propped on my kitchen counter. I took out two slices of bread with frustration and shoved them into the toaster, pushing them in and closing the lid for it to begin toasting. I huffed and turned my head to the iPad, seeing Taeyong sitting on his gaming chair and happily dancing to songs as if I wasn’t even there.

“Because you hate Jaehyun and I refuse to believe he’s that bad.” Taeyong replied casually with a shrug, glancing down to adjust his pyjamas before going back to his computer. My mouth gaped open so wide my jaw could’ve reached the floor. “What?! Excuse me but Jaehyun just turned into a demon and he’s out to get me. He’s torturing me, Tae!” I wanted to simply drop and let my soul leave my body. But just when my legs gave in, the toaster sounded and I had to take out the bread.

“Torturing because he’s making you regret that you didn’t have feelings for him in the first place?” Taeyong questioned, I didn’t answer. Taeyong laughed for moment and sighed out loudly. “Well hope you’re starting to regret because he really is a catch.” I shot my head from the fridge and to him at his words, taking out the butter and slamming the refrigerator door shut. “I don’t know how but Jaehyun became ten times hotter and it’s driving me insane.” I grumbled, forcing the lid of the butter open and beginning to spread some on the toasted bread.

“Not surprised.” Taeyong clicked his tongue and chuckled. I rolled my eyes and narrowed my eyes down on Taeyong, which made him jerk back at the sight. I guess I looked scary. “You aren’t helping.” I growled like a dog that was about to attack. Taeyong shot his hands up in defence. “I don’t know, okay? You just need to do something. If you don’t, he’s going to keep playing you around like a toy.” I stood there in silence. He was stating the obvious. But hearing it out loud, it affected me in a way I couldn’t describe. “Yeah whatever. I’ll think of something. Text you later.”

“Aight.” Taeyong ended the call. I lifted up my toasted bread very slowly, deeply in thought. As I took the first bite, it was as if a light bulb that hovered over my head switched itself on. An idea popped into my mind. I grabbed my phone and pressed Jaehyun’s contact to call him. Long beeps pass. And finally after the fifth one, he picked up. “What do you want?” Jaehyun’s voice wasn’t welcoming, but didn’t sound bad either. “I want new books. Can you pick me up and we can go book shopping?” I tried my best to sound lively to bounce back from his dark and low tone. There was no answer, merely his breathing. It felt as if I was waiting forever till he breathed in and finally said, “Okay. Thirty minutes.” I smiled softly and ended the call.

“What’s with the sudden book shopping?” Jaehyun asked as we walked into the bookstore. Eyes settled on us instantly, but it was more to Jaehyun. I clicked my tongue and slid my arm to wrap around his smoothly, swiping all my hair to fall on my right shoulder and revealing my collarbones. “What’s wrong with it? You know I love reading. And I need new books.” I tilted my head up and flashed a smile to his expressionless face. Jaehyun’s eyes scanned the place. He knew he was being watched by the eyes of public. All attention was on him. It’s something normal to him anyways with a face like his.

Jaehyun hummed as I dragged him to the fiction fantasy section of the bookstore. My eyes lit up with joy as I saw the spines of all the books on the rows of bookshelves that went on. My arm let go of Jaehyun’s, but I intentionally held his hand and interlocked my fingers with his, pulling him to stand beside me in front of one of the bookshelves. “Should I try to make you read too?” I asked after I glazed my eyes over the books for a long while. Not getting an answer, I looked down to Jaehyun, seeing that he had his gaze down. I trailed my eyes along his line of vision, realising that he was staring at our interlocked hands. I smirked and called out to him, to which he responded with a quick snap of his neck to look at me. “What?”

“Do you want to try reading with me?” I rephrased my question to make it sound more personal. To make things better, I leaned in to lower my voice to a whisper. Jaehyun’s reaction was unrecognisable. I couldn’t tell what was going through his mind, whether he noticed my attempts at getting him to like me, or that he simply had to affect to them. “We read together?” Jaehyun asked back, somewhat with a tone of needed confirmation to what his ears have heard. I pursed my lips for a moment, quickly changing it to a bright smile and nodding my head. Jaehyun kept silent for awhile as I impatiently waited for his answer. “Okay.”

I reached my hand out to the bookshelf, hovering my fingers over the spines of the books as I slowly walked down the aisle. I could feel Jaehyun’s presence behind me, but I could hear him keeping a distance with his footsteps being far away from mine. It’s as if his eyes were observing me, down to my every detailed movements. His eyes were drilling deep into my back but I ignored it. Once I found a book that seemed to have an interesting title, I placed my hand firmly on it. But I soon realised I was on my tippy toes. Looking up to the book, it was only then did I notice that the book was placed so high up on the bookshelf.

I stood back normally from my reaching posture and turned to Jaehyun. He simply had his arms folded and eyes darting to me like it was nothing. But it felt like I was being exposed just from his stare alone. “Don’t you see I need help here?” I asked, copying his posture with a tilted head and a raised brow. Jaehyun stared at me, but flickered his eyes to the book I wanted and back to me again, a laugh escaping his lips. “Shortie.” I frowned deeply. It’s not the first time I’ve heard that comment. But something about the way the word rolled smoothly on his tongue and left his lips. It gave off a different feel. One that got the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up like soldiers.

It was only made worse however when Jaehyun took a step closer. So close that I stumbled back out of shock and hit my back against the bookshelf. I sucked in my lips as I felt my lungs clenching. My eyes didn’t move. In fact, in that one brief moment, my whole body was frozen, and it felt like it’ll stay that way forever. His height in comparison to mine caused his neck to be right on my face, his chest just slightly lower. And the thoughts of his body suddenly became appealing. I wanted to slap myself in the face for even thinking of such things, but how could I not when I could smell his perfectly scented perfume right under my nose?

I gulped, wondering just how long I had to stay in my tensed up position. I didn’t want to look at him, but my eyes were slowly trailing from his neck up, till I saw his face. I widened my eyes. Jaehyun was looking right down at me. He already had a grip on the book, but he wasn’t pulling it out of the bookshelf. And I don’t think he intended to do so for long as the smirk from his sly action slowly appeared on his lips. I exhaled sharply and mentally shook my head, proceeding to gaze up at him and intending to hold the eye contact. I furrowed my eyebrows in an attempt to seem annoyed. “Aren’t you going to bring down the book or will you stay there till your body gets sore?” My words were added with a hint of having the desire to fight back.

Jaehyun quirked an eyebrow up in a questioning manner, his lips forming an ‘O’ while his eyes were filled with surprise and perhaps even admiration? “Oh really now?” I could feel Jaehyun’s breath on my skin as he spoke. His face was inches away from mine that one movement from either of us could land with our lips touching. I cleared my throat and rolled my eyes, attempting to reach my hand out past his face to grab the book. However, due to his advantage of having way quicker reflexes than me, he grabbed a proper hold on the book and brought it down. He stood in front of me, confidence and arrogance being radiated off him. I really had the urge to punch that cheeky smile off his face.

While I envisioned myself letting my anger out on Jaehyun, I didn’t notice that he actually bothered to read through the back synopsis of the book. “Seems interesting. You picked a good one.” I blinked my eyes rapidly once his voice registered into my mind and I came back to reality. I turned my head to the side, realising I still had my body stuck to the bookshelf. Jaehyun chuckled and I shot my head back to him. I’m feeling my cheeks burning and I knew it was glowing a bright shade of pink. I really wished he would never see me in such a state. “Let’s go. I’ll pay for it.”

Jaehyun swirled around on his heels and sauntered down the aisle. As his back grew smaller and smaller, I couldn’t help but have that scene replayed in my mind. And with each time it resonated, my heart seemed to speed up its pace and Jaehyun was running in never ending circles in my memory.

I was on my bed tonight. I decided that today would be one of the very rare days I would allow my brain to rest from all the work I had to complete for Uni. I’ve spent the night watching Netflix and took a nap. I missed days like these, when I could simply shut my brain off and do whatever. I’m treasuring every second of it. But the thing that keeps obstructing me from doing so with utmost happiness was Jaehyun.

Just when I was at the kitchen to cook up some popcorn for myself, planning to watch a movie, I got a call from the one person I didn’t want to think about. “Why’re you calling out of the blue?” I questioned, a hint of annoyance shining through my tone. I could hear Jaehyun laugh in response and my face scrunched up at his voice. “You sound annoyingly cute.” Jaehyun teased, letting out a breath at the end that for some reason caused goosebumps to appear on my arms. “You didn’t answer me.” I grumbled, fidgeting with the popcorn packet I was just about to open with my free hand.

Jaehyun hummed, a cheerful one as if he wasn’t interrupting my valuable time. “I’ll send you an address. Come by at five evening?” I didn’t know what to think about his suggestion. It was so sudden, and skeptical. “Will I be in danger at the address you’re about to send?” I smiled to myself when I heard Jaehyun laughing out loud. I gaped my mouth and hovered my free hand over my mouth, shocked that even his laughter was having an effect on me. “What’s he doing to me?” I mentally questioned myself. But Jaehyun was quick to butt in and answer my previous question. “No it won’t. I’d never put you in danger anyways.”

Jaehyun’s sweet words which I couldn’t decide if they were whispers of nothingness or not, rang through my ears. Why did it feel like I was being put under a spell? His spell, that’s making me attract to him a whole lot more. But I knew that’s what he wanted. He wanted me to fall for him as a way to get back at me since I never had feelings for him. Our relationship was like playing with fire.

Despite all that back thinking and careful calculations, my mouth was still able to mutter the words, “Alright, see you there.” I ended the call quickly and slammed my phone down on the kitchen counter, groaning to myself as I balled fists into my hair. “How are you so dumb!” I whined loudly, practically having a mental breakdown right then and there as I caught myself falling into Jaehyun’s plan. I rolled my eyes and shook my head that was hung low. I covered my eyes with my fingers and took in a deep breath. “Whatever.” I finally said to myself, looking at the time and heading out of the kitchen to my room.

I looked at myself in my full length mirror one last time. I have yet to see the address he sent so I decided fo wear something casual, a simple oversized sweater and wide legged jeans. I grabbed my purse with all my necessities. I slide my phone off my desk and went to look at the address Jaehyun sent. I squinted my eyes. It’s not a restaurant, or a hangout spot. I would’ve expect anything else but a childcare. “Why would he want me to go there?” I asked myself in a low whisper under my breath. I sighed and shrugged, looking up from my phone and going out.

On my way there, I couldn’t stop thinking about the countless reasons why Jaehyun would ask for my presence at such a place. I searched it up. It was a childcare. Of all places, a childcare? It was a place I’d never expected to be headed, especially on Jaehyun’s request. My calculative mind wasn’t able to come up with a possible reason and it frustrated me to the core. But in the end I gave up, not wanting to waste my mental energy trying to find out a reason I’d soon get to know once I met Jaehyun.

I arrived at the childcare. And the moment I entered, I could already hear the happiest screams and laughter of the children in each room. The receptionist seemed busy as I slowly walked up to the counter and tapped my knuckles against the hard wood. “Um excuse me? Where can I find Jaehyun?” I asked, unintentionally letting my uncertainty surface through the opened cracks of my words. The woman looked up from her computer at the instant of my voice and flashed an amicable smile. “Oh he should be done with his class soon. You want wait for him in the staff room.” She gestured her hand out to the door just behind me. I gaped my mouth open and breathed out, turning back to her and reciprocating her smile before downshifting my head and heading into the staff room.

There wasn’t a lot of people there. There weren’t a lot of office cubicles either. I already knew at first glance that this childcare seemed to be a private one. I guess the working staff would be limited. Although I thought I’d feel uncomfortable at the awkwardness I’d meet when I step in, it was quickly eased when I realised that none of the teachers took notice of me at all and were simply minding their own business. I kept my presence as low key as possible by taking light and brief steps to the sitting area on the other end corner of the room. I sat down on the couch and didn’t take long to sink my body into it. If people weren’t going to notice me, I might as well make myself comfortable. I assumed they wouldn’t be able to see me due to their cubicles unless they stood up so I didn’t bother looking too professional.

I took out my phone from purse, playing with it for awhile till I heard the door swing open. The door wasn’t opened in a harsh manner till the doorknob would slam against the wall, but the swoosh of air from the force was what caused me to lift my head up in mere seconds. Jaehyun walked into the room, and suddenly all the woman staffs were exchanging whispers and murmurs that filled the air in the room almost instantly. Jaehyun was wearing his blazer and dress pants, hair slicked back with just a few strands of hair falling out of place. It’s something he’d wear to the office. But my biggest question is, what was he doing here wearing that outfit?

I guess I was too in my thoughts that I didn’t even notice Jaehyun standing right in front of me and I had to tilt my head higher to meet his face. “Why did you invite me-” “I’ll explain if you stand up and follow me instead of straining your neck like that, baby.” Jaehyun taunted with a vicious happy smile. I stood up, quickly noticing that my force from doing so caused my chest to bump into his. He didn’t stumble back an inch as if he had his feet rooted to the ground. I guess I stood up too hard, I almost fell back when Jaehyun swiftly held my elbow to keep my stability.

Jaehyun jerked his head to the door and moved himself aside, that smile of his still stuck on his face. i furrowed my eyebrows at him as I walked past, glancing to the office cubicles for a moment and I instantly felt a hard whack of jealously and suspicion going right at me in that brief moment. I blinked my eyes rapidly that shook my head almost in an invisible manner and walked out quickly, Jaehyun following a few steps behind. Once I was walking down the hallway, not even sure if I was on the right path, I heard Jaehyun closing the door behind up and taking few large steps to walk beside me. “Explanation still needed.” I said.

“Well. I work here. On my free days from working in the office.” I widened my eyes so much that my eyeballs could have possibly dropped out of my eye sockets as I turned my head to meet his eyes, searching for even a single bit of lie. I didn’t see anything but the truth as he bored his eyes into mine with seriousness. “You? With kids? That’s the most unexpected combination I’ve heard yet.” I commented, my mouth still wide open from being shocked. Jaehyun chuckles, glancing to my mouth for a moment and placing two fingers under my chin to close my mouth shut. That touch alone sent electricity throughout my body and giving me the shock of a different kind.

“I’m working here because there’s this girl I saved one time. Her mother suggested I look over her here.” Jaehyun slid his hands into the pockets of his dress pants, bobbing his shoulder and shifting his head slightly. Questions sprouted in my mind with each word of explanation was being registered into my mind. I would’ve asked what happened to the girl, why he saved her, since when he had a kind heart to do such a thing, and many more. But the only words I could let out were, “I’ve never thought of you like that.” Jaehyun stopped in front of one door, making my clumsiness almost bumping into him from his abrupt stop of motion. He swirled around till his body was completely facing me. “Thought of me like what?” Jaehyun echoed, a brow of intrigue and surprise raising high up.

I licked my lips, avoiding his searching eyes for a moment before shakily meeting his gaze. “Just didn’t think you’re the kind of person to do that.” I swallowed and shook my head vigorously, waving a hand at him loosely. “You know what? It’s nothing. Just my perception on rich people.” Jaehyun opened the door and made way for me to enter. I smiled softly at him for a second and went in. It was a classroom. All the chairs and tables were small, the walls covered in lots of artwork that the kids have done. There wasn’t anyone else, except for a little girl sitting at one of the tables.

Her head lifted from the table and her eyes didn’t even bother to flicker to mine, it went straight for Jaehyun. The moment she saw him, her face lit up so much it could possibly light up the whole world. There were stars sparkling in her eyes and her smile was wide it could blind everything around her. She slid off her backpack from her shoulders and ran with much speed towards Jaehyun. She wrapped her arms around his legs and tilted her head up to look at Jaehyun. “Jaehyun!” She squealed, the high pitch voice of a cute child ringing through my ears.

Jaehyun laughed loudly and squat down to even his eye level with hers. He smiled bright at her. A smile that was genuine and true. A smile that felt like a promise to protect the girl from the world that have his love wrapped around her forever. “I wasn’t even gone for long, Lily.” Jaehyun said, his hand lifting up to stroke her hair. It was only now that I realised just how small she was when Jaehyun’s palm held her tiny head. “Lily, I want you to meet my girlfriend, _____.” I wanted to turn to him and give him a confused look. But I knew that if a kid were to see that, they’d immediately start questioning like curious cats. And so I simply played along, waving a hand at her and smiling widely.

“Hello, Lily.” I greeted, trying to sound as kind and bright as possible. Lily went up to me and had her hands held out. I blinked my eyes and picked her up in my arms on instinct. Luckily I didn’t need to try so hard to carry her. She didn’t feel too heavy. She wrapped her arms around my neck, causing me to let out a “Oh.” I took a close look at her as I saw her doing the same. She was extremely cute. Big eyes and chubby cheeks. Anyone would be charmed by her cuteness. “You’re very pretty.” Lily complimented, which only made my smile grow so much wider for her. “You too.” I said with a giggle.

I shifted my head to see Jaehyun behind Lily in my sight. He had his arms folded and there was a smile of admiration on his face for a split second but it disappeared into nothing when my eyes met his, as if to hide the fact he even made such a face. “Where’s her mother? Shouldn’t she be going home now?” I asked Jaehyun. He took a step closer and gestured to Lily. I raised my eyebrows and passed her into Jaehyun’s arms. He was strong enough to carry her on one arm. I wasn’t at all surprise. “Her mother’s running late at work and she asked me to take care of her in the mean time. I was hoping I could use some help.” He flashed his signature smile. And though I would have refused in the midst of not wanting to see his face, I couldn’t help but swoon at how Lily was practically begging me to stay.

We did a lot of things in the span of a short few hours. Jaehyun offered to take Lily to an ice cream shop nearby for a treat. I never thought Jaehyun would be so good with children. The way his touch was so gentle and soothing, the way he was always attentive to whatever Lily would say and had no trouble carrying a conversation with her. He somewhat took care of her like his own child. We went to everywhere she wanted to go. I did have fun, surprisingly enough. Perhaps it was because Lily was there to entertain me, or maybe I couldn’t stop watching the way Jaehyun was taking care of her. Either way, a long night had now passed and Lily was strapped in the front passenger seat next to Jaehyun, her sleeping figure letting out subtle snors as we drove to take her home.

“That was fun.” I said out of the blue, the silence in the car was staring to get a little unbearable when all I could do to soothe myself down was staring at Lily. I looked to the mirror above, seeing the reflection of Jaehyun’s eyes looking right at me for a split second before adjusting back onto the road. “I’m glad you had fun. She definitely did too.” I chuckled, nodding my head. “Of course she did. Look at all the stuffed toys you got her from the arcade.” I jerked my head to side where the pile of stuffed toys were placed in a hug bag. Jaehyun turned his head to the back to take a glance at it, briefly meeting my eyes and turning back front. “You still suck at arcade games.”

“Shut up.” I grumbled, a smile unconsciously forming on my lips as I smacked Jaehyun’s shoulder lightly. That action seemed to have some effect on him, one I didn’t intend to make, with his frozen form for a split second before relaxing back his body into the seat. We’re now where I assumed would be the neighbourhood, with Jaehyun slowing down the car and looking around to find the correct house. The car was halt to stop in front of a house. I grabbed hold on the bag of stuffed toys while Jaehyun stepped out to go to the other side and pick up Lily. I exited the car and waited for Jaehyun. Jaehyun carried Lily as if she was a little baby, both his arms wrapped around her like she was the most precious thing in the world. I frowned at the soft thought.

Jaehyun and I went to the front of the house and I knocked on the door. There was a brief pause before the door opened, revealing a happy woman at the doorstep. “Jaehyun! Glad you’re here.” She exclaimed with glee. Jaehyun smiled amicably and took a step closer to her to pass Lily into her arms. “She seemed to have a good time with you. She’s sleeping so soundly.” The mother lowered her voice to a whisper as she brushed strands of hair off her daughter’s face. “You must be the girlfriend he talks about too much.” The woman acknowledged me and I quickly straightened my back to offer back a kind smile. “Um yes, I am.” I replied. She sighed peacefully and nodded her head. “Alright. I’ll put her to bed now. Have a goodnight you two.” She smiled widely till her eyes formed thin lines as the two of us downshifted our heads and the door closed.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked, my attitude changing in the blink of an eye. So fast that Jaehyun turned to look at me with a quizzical expression as we walked back to the car. “What?” He echoed. “You have no intention with taking me out with Lily today?” I asked again, hoping he’d catch up to where I was heading with the conversation. Turned out he wasn’t, or maybe he was just faking it. He still had a confused look. “There’s nothing wrong in wanting to take you out, is there?” There is. It’s your stupid game I’m worried about. “Besides, it seems like you could use some time off from Uni.” I was shocked that Jaehyun even cared. Now I was doubting if he meant any of that.

I cleared my throat, throwing away my furious aura. “Oh well, thanks.” I simply said, and no words exchanged between us from that moment on all the way till he sent me home. It was calmly quiet and the scene of the night was able to relief some of the awkwardness as I got lost in the way the lights dimly lighted the streets along with the blank dark sky. But the moment I got home, I had to call Taeyong. “Help!” I screamed the moment he picked up. I propped my phone a stack of book I had on my study table and took a seat. Taeyong had a brow raised questionably. “What your emergency?” Taeyong said with much sarcasm, as if he already knew what I ranted about wouldn’t be important.

“Jaehyun. It’s Jaehyun. He’s making me fall for him. I’m going insane.” Taeyong scoffed loudly without a single care for my feelings and looked me at through the screen. “What did he do this time?” Taeyong asked, ruffling his hair as he adjusted himself on his bed. “He took me out, but with a child.” I replied, my words being spoken out at a slow pace to try and make Taeyong realise what I’ve been thinking. “So? You like kids don’t you?” I blinked my eyes rapidly. “I do! But don’t you know what I like better is when I see fathers taking care of their kids!” I screamed, wrapping my arms around my balled up body.

“Ah so he’s using that against you?” Taeyong questioned again and I nodded my head aggressively. Taeyong frowned and rolled his shoulder in a couldn’t-care-less kind of manner, which made me wish I could reach my hand through the screen and slap him in spite. “I’d say just lose. You know you liked him. Even before he started this. Can’t deny any of it.” Taeyong advised, his words lazily rolling off his tongue. “Yeah then what about Jaehyun? He doesn’t have feelings for me anymore.” My voice slowly lowered and softened, eventually becoming inaudible at the end.

Taeyong groaned and rolled his eyes, placing his face closer to the camera. “That’s what he wants you to think, _____. Use your brain a little. He still likes you and it’s obvious. You two should stop the games already.” I sighed and rubbed my forehead, now deep in thought as silence made itself comfortable. The video call was still left on with Taeyong getting out of bed to do some work while I sat there as if I’d never be able to sleep if I kept thinking of Jaehyun.

It’s been like this for awhile. Days and weeks of my head inconsistency thinking of Jaehyun. Some days I was mentally strong enough to push him away and did my assignments like my life depended on if. And other days, I’d be thinking too much to even function. There was something to Jaehyun. No matter what he did, whether it’d be taking me out on spontaneous dates, or reminding me of his game, he left impressions on me I’d never be able to describe in words. I was getting sick of it. This to and fro pattern. I hated how he’s been playing me. And I seemed to always fall in his trap.

Today I was reminded of the conversation I had with Taeyong. About how I had buried feelings for Jaehyun, and how he was trying to bury his but it seemed impossible. Or at least that’s what I would assume. I’d never know what’s going through that head of his. I had to do something soonee, right? I’ve had enough of us not having a clear direction in our relationship, if we even have one at all. I slowly reached my hand out for my phone that was hidden under my pile of papers that were scattered my study table. My hand was reaching out, and with bits of hesitate in the process, I finally picked it up.

“Oh.” I let out unconsciously, seeing a notification from Jaehyun asking me to meet him at a park. The park. Specifically the one I’d remember to be the most vividly beautiful park. It was perfect at night, to watch the city skyline. It was the one trip I didn’t care if I was with Jaehyun, since I had the scenery to admire. When I realised the texts were sent thirty minutes ago, I sprang up from my chair, exerting too much force that it was practically flying away from me. I quickly grabbed a coat, not exactly caring about what I currently wore and rushed out. “He still has to be there.”

I was so stupid for not thinking of wearing any thicker coat. It was the cold season, something I didn’t even bother to take into consideration when I ran out. Was this what Jaehyun was capable of doing to me? Something simple like that had me realising that he really has taken over me. I lost myself, my safety, for him. Or at least I can hope not entirely. I entered the park, sprinting my way through the cold winds of the night to head to where I knew Jaehyun had to be waiting. He had to.

My heart sank. No one was there. No voices heard, no sight of Jaehyun to be seen. I stared at the bench where I hoped to see Jaehyun sitting on. But it was empty. I stepped close to it, letting my fingertips touch the wood. It was cold. Jaehyun was never here to begin with. I swallowed back a tear, wondering why my body was even reacting like this. Why my emotions were clouding my way of thinking. I wanted to hate Jaehyun. But why is it so hard to do so? I turned around and sat down on the bench, digging my hands deeper into my coat. I took out my phone to check, no more texts. Did Jaehyun lie?

I wished I could slap myself at how ridiculous I was looking right now. Waiting in the freezing night for someone who’ll never come. Again I fell for it. I fell for him. Any exposed part of my body was bit with the cold. But if anything could ease me right now in the wait, it would be looking up at the dark sky, ink black canvas freckled with a million droplets of white paint that shined over top. The moon was glowing and had its moonlight shining on everything. I closed my eye shut after getting a good look at the view that the bench provided, my head dropping down and having it hang loosely on my neck for the longest time.

But that was when I heard footsteps. Specifically two, right in front of me. I still had my eyes closed, thinking it was just someone who was walking by. Until I heard the leaves rustling under their feet. I fluttered to my eyes open, bringing a hand up to rub my eyes to clear my vision. I didn’t need to. I knew who it was. And it was Jaehyun. “You idiot.” Jaehyun’s voice was a faint whisper, but a sharp one. When I was about to stand up, he had a firm grip around my waist, pulling me up till our bodies touch and I felt his warmth instantly. With his grip still on me, he brought me closer, pulling me into his embrace. I let myself melt into his touch and bury my face into the crook of his neck. All to feel the warmth, or maybe not.

The tears were beginning to well up, and I eventually let it fall, drying it with the sleeve of Jaehyun’s shirt. “Why weren’t you there?” I cried out, my voice muffled. “How long have you been waiting?” Jaehyun questioned, making me look up to have a proper thought. I shrugged. “Fuck you.” I muttered under my breath, but of course I did it for him to hear. The tears that were falling and making its marks on my cheeks one by one fell. But Jaehyun was there to brush each and every one away expertly with his thumb. The warmth of his palm rest against my cheeks, and I closed my eyes yet again.

“I’m sorry.” Jaehyun finally said after a long silence between us. I furrowed my eyebrows. “Sorry for what?” “Everything.” Jaehyun answered almost instantly, upfront and out there with nothing to hide in his tone. I rolled my eyes, making an attempt to pull away from him but his strong hold prevented me from doing so. “Why would you wait for me?” Jaehyun asked, and I had no energy to answer. “I’m sorry, baby.” That shocked me. Everything about it did. His words were soft and gentle, as if not wanting to harm me a single bit, wary of what came out his mouth. The eyes that looked into mine was genuine, true. His hold around my waist got came loose slightly.

“So? I mean you succeeded. You really did play me. I like you. And if you don’t, please don’t be like this. Right now.” That was my denial talking. Wanting all of this to be unreal. For this to be a dream. “It wasn’t fake. None of it was. Except for that one time I said it.” I knew what he was referring to. “Please. All this while. I never let go of my feelings for you. I’m sorry.” With each word making me feel like I could crumble to my feet, it was as if Jaehyun was still holding me there. Still making me stand. Jaehyun brought his face closer, so close that they were brushing against mine.

Tears had been blurring my vision for who knows how long now. I didn’t even know where I was walking. I simply let my legs carry my body, letting it have a mind of its own and deciding where to take me. I wanted to escape, go anywhere but here. Where he lived, where he worked, where he went to school.

Right, on a Sunday night, here I was, walking like a lifeless corpse that just had its life being sucked out when I got dumped from my five year relationship. Of course my heart was shattered into pieces. But right now I didn’t have the energy to pick up each shard that fell. It would take forever. I’d start, just not tonight. I’ll pick myself up quick. All I needed was a night’s rest.

Surprisingly enough, I ended up at a café, or bar. Seemed to be both. Either way it was the only shop which had its lights shining on the pathway through the glass windows that gave me a full view of the inside. There weren’t many people inside, perfect place for me to cry out in one corner. Not that I’d be embarrassed if people were to look at me. I wouldn’t be coming here again anytime soon.

I silently pushed open the door and tiredly slid myself through, not even having the energy to push open the door fully. I scanned my eyes across the place, spotting a table made for two at the very corner, where it was slightly dim due to how deep in it was. I chose to seat there. I threw myself onto the seat and slumped my back into it, letting my body loose and have my head dangle feely looking down as I closed my eyes for a brief moment, thinking “Just how low do I look right now?”

A cough was suddenly heard from beside me in an attempt to get my attention. I shot my head up so fast it almost gave me whiplash. “Do you want to buy anything?” I blinked at the man before me twice. Once at his face that I couldn’t get a clear view of, and the other to his hands that held a notepad. I rubbed my forehead, softly answering, “Is there anything that’s like alcohol but isn’t?” I could tell he already looked confused at my request, his head tilting to the side a few degrees. “I’m sorry?”

I waved a lazy hand at him. “Um...” I trailed off, trying to think of something. “You know what? Get me anything that’ll knock me out in two shots.” I blankly said, giving up on even having to choose what drink I wanted. He hummed and downshifted his head. “Alright.” He walked away soon after. But I knew he had his eyes scanning me up and down for a brief moment, inspecting me before doing so. I sighed and looked out the window. I closed my eyes, the tears falling down yet again. I didn’t bother to wipe a single tear away, admitting and claiming that they’re all mine despite knowing my pride would have never allowed that.

After a few minutes, I was shocked by the knocking on the table. I fluttered my eyes open, seeing the reflection of me as well as the man from just now standing behind me with a cup in his hand. I slowly turned around, my eyes trailed from his shoes all the way to his hair. He seemed to have a small figure. But with that face I’m sure no one would even care about that. He cracked a soft smile and placed the cup down on the table. I looked down into the cup, the reflection of myself making me scrunch my nose. “I didn’t order tea.” I whispered, pointing my finger at it yet keeping my head down.

“But you look like you shouldn’t be drinking.” I tilted my head up to look at him, who had his arms folded and weight placed on one leg. “Do I look that bad?” I gulped, running a hand through my hair with a tired sigh that could go on for three days. “Rough night?” He asked, suddenly pulling the chair from the opposite side to take a seat in front of me. Pulling himself closer to the table, he raised a brow, waiting for my answer. I opened my mouth, yet words couldn’t come up as I looked around the place. “S-Should you even be sitting right now?” I asked with concern.

He shrugged and glanced at his watch for a brief moment then proceeding to lean back into the seat. “Well I can rest unless more customers come, which I highly doubt. It’s Sunday after all.” I chuckled at the last part, nodding my head agreeably. “Yeah... Sunday night.” I reminded myself mentally that I had classes tomorrow. I could only hope I’ll wake up in time. Silence pursued its course between us, with me having my gaze down to the cup of tea, for some reason I wasn’t feeling the urge that I got when coming here. I just wanted to sulk and sink deep into my despairs.

“Drink. You seem to need it.” I sighed quietly and picked up the cup, hands shaking unintentionally from my weakness as I tried to steady my hands more and bring the edge of the cup of my lips. I carefully took a sip. It wasn’t too hot, nor too cold. It was just right. It was the one thing in this cold night that had brought some warmth down my throat and to my heart. Temporary warmth. I could deal with that. “What’s your name?” I suddenly questioned. I figured if he’s going to sit here longer and he needed to then it was best to start a conversation.

“Huang Renjun. Second years in college.” The familiarity of the name rang through my ears. I narrowed my eyes on him, now trying to take a better look at the features of his face. My eyebrows furrowed for a moment as I leaned back and closed my jaw shut before it had time to drop to the floor. “Renjun?! The Huang Renjun?” I echoed, blinking my eyes rapidly as if all the tiredness had escaped my body. He chuckled softly and nodded. “Took you long to recognise me.”

I laughed in embarrassed and hummed. “Sorry about that. Guess I really am not feeling well.” I ran a hand down my face, shaking my head. “I didn’t know you work here.” I began. “I didn’t know you worked at all.” Renjun leaned forward against the table, shoulders raising as he did so. “You never knew because you never been off campus before, now have you?” Renjun tilted his head, a playful and teasing smile dancing on his lips. I frowned. “My major’s a lot harder than yours.” I feigned exasperation and rolled my eyes, making him cover his mouth politely as he laughed.

“I know.” Renjun muttered. “So?” He asked. I raised a brow in a questioning manner. “So what?” Renjun smacked his lips, raising both eyebrows at the same time and letting then fall back down. “So why did you suddenly come here this late into the night looking like a wreck?” I breathed out a short laugh, one that wasn’t suppose to send humour but more of disappointment and sadness. If I had the opportunity to talk it out, might as well take this chance to, no matter who it was I was telling it to. “I broke up with my boyfriend, Kim. Last night.” I gulped. “Well, it’s more of him dumping me.” I shrugged weakly.

Renjun’s silence made me observe him for a moment. He was expressionless, but his eyes were sending feelings of pity, one that I for one didn’t want to see, but I can’t avoid it anyway. “Why did he dump you? Did you do anything wrong?” I scoffed loudly, glancing sideways before laughing in amusement. “What are you, my therapist suddenly?” I asked, expecting him to ask for full details on the whole story. Renjun curled the side of his lips upwards ever so slightly. “I don’t mind if I get paid.” I laughed and shook my head, taking another sip of tea. The weight in my body was slowly lessening the more I talked to Renjun, my body began to feel lighter. I know a feeling like this would only be for tonight, just having to sit here and have a normal conversation about my situation without falling apart.

I proceeded to tell the story from square one, how I met Kim, to going sidetracked a little by describing how perfect of a boyfriend he was but I was simply blinded by my own love for him to realise his toxicity until the very end. Bad choice, of course. “And look at where that got me.” I closed my eyes for a short moment, my memories with him flashing by like a movie tape. It disgusted me, but it also made my head ache in many ways but one. I hated it. “It doesn’t seem that bad.”

I widened my eyes, surprised at his reply. “What do you mean?” Renjun ruffled his hair casually as he said, “You got to meet me.” Renjun played a confident smile, which only seemed to be charming. Though Renjun and I never met in a proper setting, we were mere acquaintances, one that would see each other on campus often and nothing more. But this was the start of our relationship.

We talked for hours, I had forgotten about time completely. Topics changed like flickering lights and varied in the most weirdest ways possible. I slowly grew tired, my brain working slowly with its gears getting weaker. I had my head on the table, the emptied cup pushed to the side against the clear window. I had my eyes half opened at this point, I wasn’t even able to think straight as if I actually did get drunk. “Do you want to help me?” I softly murmured. Though I think it was only for my ears, it was loud enough for Renjun to let out a, “Hm?”

“Help me...” I whispered, slightly louder this time. “Help me get this shit show over and done with.” I couldn’t hear his reply, but I was fast asleep the second after.

“I said that?” I asked, not sure if I was directing it to myself or to Renjun who was just coming with two cups of coffee, so surprised that I leaned back with a hand to my chest. Renjun sat down and nodded his head. “How could you not remember? It’s not like you were drunk last night.” I scoffed softly. “From how sad and dead I was last night, it kind of felt like I was.” I whispered, quickly taking a sip of the coffee in hopes to got myself to wake up a little.

My mood had still been feeling the same as last night the moment I woke up today. My heart was still heavy, it didn’t allow my body to loosen up. I was dragging my existence from place to place I was that lifeless and mentally drained from that one night my heart fell apart. “Well first order of business. No going to classes for a week.” I almost wanted to drop the cup then and there, but I held it firm and place it down, the noise from it making contact with the table loud and clear. “Woah I’m sorry what?!” I asked in shock.

Renjun’s expression was unbothered by my reaction. “You heard me right.” Renjun took a sip. “You’re physically and mentally drained. It doesn’t take a sidekick to see that. So just rest for awhile, and we can hang out in the meantime.” He shrugged and leaned back into his seat, shoulders relaxed and calm. “Don’t you have classes too?” Renjun smiled gently. “Haechan told me you guys start your lectures after mine which means I can still go without missing any.” I lips formed an ‘O’ as I nodded slowly. How did he know Haechan? That I questioned mentally. I did know Haechan practically has connections with the whole school somehow.

“But if you insist on going I don’t mind waiting for you at your department building.” Renjun raised his eyebrows. “But don’t take the lectures seriously for awhile, you know? Loosen up a little. Cheat, steal notes or something. Just have time to rest. The breakup really has hit you hard, huh?” Renjun eyed me up and down, not in a scrutinising manner, but it really did felt like one with a gaze like his. “Woah are you seriously telling me to do things you would never do?” I gasped loudly. Renjun bobbed his shoulders. “I mean I would do it if I wasn’t keeping my good student image. But I don’t see you having that much so.”

I rolled my eyes. “Rude.” Renjun chuckled. “I should be going for class now. See you at four?” Renjun quickly stood up, grabbing his bag from the other chair next to him. After he reassured that he had everything with him, he made eye contact with me. “See you.” Renjun downshifted his head, his lips curling up to form a smile that not going to lie, looked cute. But I quickly shook that thought out of my head before it could get any deeper.

The day went by. All I had my mind on was my ex, but my focus was slowly shifting to Renjun as time passed. Why did I even meet him in the first place? What was the purpose of someone who was of no significance in my life would suddenly be playing a big role in me wanting to get over my heartbroken phase? Questions like these circled and wrapped itself around my brain. So much so that I couldn’t properly concentrate during the lecture, which had me asking Haechan for notes just like how Renjun suggested me to.

I was making my way to the entrance when I saw Renjun standing right outside at the side. His hair captured the sunlight beautifully and it took him zero effort to have him noticed by the girls who were walking out. I had to admit he was attractive, now that I was not blinded by the fact I always thought my ex was the most perfect human on earth. I made my way to Renjun. But surprisingly, Haechan made it before I did, shocking the life out of Renjun with a rough pat on the shoulder. “Renjun!” Haechan shouted.

Renjun let out a disgusted expression and pushed Haechan away from him. I walked up to them, with Haechan surprised to see me standing before them while Renjun greeted me with a welcoming smile. “I swear I will throw a chair at you if you stop being annoying.” Renjun said as he adjusted the straps of his bag on his shoulders. Haechan leaned back and gasped loudly, giggling right after. “Like hell you would.” Renjun shot him a scary glare, one that even made me scared and intimidated by him. Haechan grew quiet instantly. “So uh why’s she here?”

Haechan took a step back when Renjun went towards me to stand by my side. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his black jeans casually. “I’m going to hang out with her today. So don’t bother calling me out tonight alright?” I turned my head to look at Renjun, who had a cheeky smile on his face. Haechan frowned and let out a whine. “You promised to join the party!” Haechan folded his arms. Renjun lifted up his shoulders. “Sorry.” Haechan huffed loudly and walked away.

“If you have a party to get you don’t need to-” “It’s fine. Really. They aren’t my thing. I usually study.” Renjun flashed a reassuring smile. He walked forward while I was still standing still, probably feeling surprised that I was even about to go out with someone I’ve never interacted before until now. “What are you waiting for?” I looked up from the random spot on his back I was staring at and blinked my eyes rapidly. With a slight shake of my head, I smiled amicably and walked up to him after adjusting my bag that was slung on one shoulder. 

“Wait where are we going?” I questioned as Renjun and I took slow strides on our way out of campus. Renjun glanced up to the sky thoughtfully before looking back down and meeting my eyes. “Not sure, actually. Any ideas?” My lips formed a thin line. “Can we head to a library?” Renjun made a disgusted face, tongue sticking out slightly to add on. “Library? So you’re the kind that studies your problems away or what?” He feigned exasperation. I rolled my eyes and chuckled softly. “I mean... well that’s part of it. But I want to find a book to read too.”

Renjun shrugged casually. “If you want a book we can buy one from a bookstore.” My eyebrows go up, eyes narrowed at him. “Buy? Does it look like I have money?” I said, moving my hand up and down my outfit as if that even gave him an idea of how broke I was. “I could pay. If you promise to read the book, that is.” I scoffed and waved his words away. “Ah please. I can finish a book within a week if I truly like it. And trust me, I know when a book catches my attention.” I folded my arms confidently and I fought back.

“Bookstore it is then.” Renjun announced with a nod of his head. Though it was silent on our way there, I didn’t mind it. It wasn’t the kind of silence that breathed down our throats and would force us to let out a word at all. Comfortable silence, was what I’d describe our trip. We finally arrived, the name of the bookstore sitting above the door with a sign that said the shop was opened on the clear glass door. I took a peek inside for a moment. Though I’ve never been in quite some time, it didn’t seem to change much. Renjun was quick to open the door and almost letting the door shut. He was able to notice it and open back the door for me to enter. I smiled and looked to the floor as I walked in.

My gaze lifted itself from the floor and to my surroundings, which is basically shelves and shelves of books with two display rectangular tables in the center. I looked above the bookshelves, seeing the labels of the different genres. I instantly took quick steps to the fantasy books. “So you read fantasy?” Renjun said in an unusually low voice, adding on was his close presence behind me which could’ve made my breath hitched in my throat if I didn’t hold myself up. “I used to like romance. But the shit in romance novels never happen.” I picked a book off the shelve that seemed to have an interesting title. I flipped to the back and ran my index finger down the synopsis, quickly scanning through.

“It’s all... fake.” I whispered in the end, my voice was barely audible at the mention of ‘fake’. Renjun hummed and stood beside me instead of behind. With clasped hands behind his back, he scanned hus eyes over the bookshelf, head turning along while he did so. “Fantasy is fake too. They’re called fiction for a reason.” Renjun commented, which made me frown slightly when I realised what he meant. “I was just referring to the romance ones. Just too good to be true. And...” I lips formed a thin line as I exhaled sharply. “You can easily get sucked into holding the highest of standards without realising how harsh the real world is.” I forced a smile, looking at Renjun as I shoved the book I skimmed through back into its place, keeping my eyes on him.

I walked down to look through more books, Renjun would either be looking at me, peering with his head beside mine to read whatever I had in my hands at the moment, or skim through some books for himself. With quick glances I could tell he was only doing that out of boredom. “Okay, I have to choose one of these.” I muttered to myself, noticing how I had a large stack of books piled in my arms. I quickly eliminated most till I was down to two. Placing them both on the bookshelf, I nudged Renjun on the arm, turning his attention from the outside to me with a questioning hum. “Which one should I get?”

Renjun didn’t give a verbal reply, immediately picking one up to quickly read through and doing the same for the other. “Can I get one of the books? It seems interesting.” Renjun mumbled at he grabbed one of the books. I shrugged. “I don’t mind. But we’re switching books once we’re done with them. Got it?” Renjun furrowed his eyebrows. “Excuse me I’m the one paying for these.” I stick my tongue out like an annoying kid. “Yeah, whatever.” I turned sharply and headed straight for the counter. Renjun proceeded to pay and we checked out.

I never had an outing like this in a long time. My ex would simply drag me out to do other things that were out of my comfort zone, that were thinga I didn’t want to do. But being here, especially with Renjun, had made me feel that sense of belonging, one that I so dearly forgotten and missed. All I could think about now while laying in bed was Renjun, but I smacked my lips, forcing to shove the thoughts of him in the back of my mind and open the book to the first page.

“I’ve been here before. A lot of times, actually.” I said, with a finger to my lips. Renjun wanted to surprise me by taking me to a place to hang out, little did I realise it was the place my ex and I always went to. I turned to look at Renjun, who now had a frown on his face. One that so closely resembled Kim. It made my stomach form tight knots. “Is this where you’ve been with your ex?” As if Renjun read my mind, I slowly nodded. Rejun clicked his tongue and cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. If this place brings you bad memories then-” I brought my hand up to hold his forearm, flashing him a gentle smile. “It’s fine.” I whispered, heading in.

We bought the picnic basket and headed out to the large field on grass, with flowers surrounding the perimeter. We chose a random spot, making sure we had a good view... of whatever we could see in the sky and sat up. We began to unpack and once we had all the food laid in front of us, we sat down next to the each other, legs both crossed with our knees touching. “So you wanted to take me out on a picnic?” I questioned in surprise, reaching out for a slice of watermelon. Renjun breathed out a short laugh and nodded.

It did make me think about how Kim and I used to come here a lot. It was our place. Though it pained my heart to be here, the burden somehow lifted itself with Renjun’s presence. His aura and being got me distracted. Indeed, whatever Renjun had always been doing, has helped me move on from Kim. We chat and ate laughing and coming up with random things to argue about for the fun of it. “Excuse me? I’ll have you know cats are the most adorable house pets one could ever have!” I shouted with force. “No! Dogs!” Renjun protested and the both of us laughed.

At a time like this, I realised just how similar Renjun was to Kim. The way he smiled, laughed. When I got home, the small decor we got from the picnic basket in my hands, I recalled the day I had with Renjun. How we got to see the sunset, the sky turning pink with streaks of orange, slowly turning itself into ink black to allow the night to settle in. My thoughts were at first innocent, but it was slowly growing dark. “Why do I see Kim in your eyes, Renjun?” I whispered to myself, thumb hovering over the decor. I couldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t even have a single thought of this.

Another time like this came about when Renjun took me out of a hangout to the arcade. He offered to pay, like he always did. And we played for hours. I saw the way he played with so much fire and passion, even if it was over a simple game of DDR or a shooting game. He’d do anything to beat me. He was competitive, just like Kim. “You didn’t have to go hard on me!” I whined, placing the gun down with a hard slam and a huff of annoyance. Renjun turned me around by placing both hands firmly on my shoulders. He took a large step in front, closing the gal between us till our chests touched, the strong sense of pulling him closer was there as he dipped his head down to meet my gaze.

“You mad, babe?” Renjun whispered, sending an electric shock throughout my body from the contact of his hands. That was the first time he called me babe. And that made a feeling in my body that I knew all too well. The butterflies fluttering in my stomach, how my lungs clenched at the close proximity of his face to him, yet I wouldn’t bother grasping for air, I wanted to stay like this— close. I looked up at him and narrowed my eyes. “Excuse you can I not be? You beat me at almost every game!” I rolled my eyes and jerked myself off his grip. I wanted to turn around but he was quick to have a hold of my wrist to pull me back into his embrace.

With his hand slowly gliding around my waist, he placed his hand there gently, somewhat leaving a gap between his hand and my skin but was still able to pull me close with the tug of my wrist. Renjun pouted deeply and shook his head. “Not true! I let you win the basketball game.” Renjun curved one side of his lips up in a defeating smirk. I stuck my tongue out in annoyance. “No you just sucked at playing basketball.” I teased, laughing loudly which made Renjun laugh as well, smacking my arm lightly. “Shut up.”

I looked into his eyes. In a busy place like an arcade, it’s as if everything else had been wiped out, leaving Renjun and I with pure silence in my head when we locked eyes. I was falling, trapped in his gaze. My feelings for Renjun only grew more and more when he began to express himself as more than just a friend. He was trying to get me. I knew he began to like me that day. When Renjun and I walked home, he had his eyes on the ground. We were silently walking, which felt unusual to me. He never seemed this quiet.

With a quiet sigh I looked to the side, looking at the street lamps that illuminated the pathway with an orange hue, with a cold breeze whispering through the trees. Suddenly, I felt a touch of electricity. I slowly looked down to my hand, seeing Renjun sliding his hand to meet my hand and threading his fingers between mine. The touch sent a shock through my veins. It felt like I was suddenly lit and energy coursing in me. “Is this why you were quiet this whole time?” I questioned Renjun, a small smirk of tease playing on my lips as I lifted our hands up in front of him.

Renjun widened his eyes for a split second and quickly shook his head. He scoffed in denial. “What? No.” He retorted back. “But it was smooth, wasn’t it?” Renjun asked with a light giggle. I breathed out a laugh and sighed loudly in satisfaction, tilting my head up to meet the dark sky of the night. “Tonight’s been fun.” I whispered softly. But I stopped in my tracks, making him turn his body to face mine. “But we’re going to study once we get on campus.”

Renjun gaped his mouth open in shock, eventually turning his shocked expression into a pitiful one while letting out a long whine. “Why?! I don’t wanna study.” I chuckled and brought my free hand up to play with his soft hair. “You don’t need to. Just accompany me while I study. I have a lot to catch up on.” I smiled softly, which he responded with a sweet smile back.

It didn’t need a confession. We didn’t need to say it out loud. We felt our longing for each other and it naturally began, more physical touching, calling each other babe. It was just the beginning of our relationship, but what confused me was how easy I was able to fall for Renjun, after trying for so long to get over Kim. Just what was it in me that had me make that quick switch?

As time went on and I got to spend more time with Renjun, my feelings for him spurred quickly. But I knew it was the wrong kind. It’s the one that held my feelings for Kim still. I just saw Renjun as him and wanted to get close to him for the sake of feeling the love again. “Fuck. I’m using him.” The realisation came quick, though it took me awhile to know. I might have noticed from the very start, but I chose to ignore it, thinking it wasn’t true. With this keeping me up all night and putting me in a bad place with my overthinking, I wanted to distance myself from Renjun for awhile, which in the end got me to continue with this lie.

“You good?” Renjun questioned. We were hanging out by the field of flowers, having a silent book readin session as I laid my shoulder on his. He probably noticed me staring off into the distance and haven’t read a single line on the same page for at least ten minutes. I shook my head slowly and forced a smiled, turning my head to look up at him. Trying to seem normal, I answered, “Yeah. Just stressing over an assignment.” I tilted my eyes back down to my book. I trailed off in my thoughts too much that I even forgotten when I was at in the novel.

I did what I only could’ve thought of, which only led to his stubbornness and determination track down why I’ve been avoiding him for an entire week.

“Open the door. I know you’re in there.” I woke up to Renjun’s voice and his violent knocking that shook me awake. I winced at the sunlight that went in through the window uninvited and clearly unwanted. It was too much light for someone who’s going through a confusingly hard time. I gulped and rose out of bed, slowly walking to the door when the realisation hit me. I had to tell him about it. I couldn’t avoid it any longer.

I slammed my palm hard on my forehead. Why was I even dumb enough to do this in the first place? I knew all too well he’d come for me eventually. What was the point of me running away to avoid my feelings? I breathed out slowly, wanting to steady my heart which had been pounding so hard in desperation to get out of my ribcage. After closing my eyes for a moment, I grabbed the door handle that was creepily cold to the touch and opened the door.

I looked at Renjun standing in front of me. He looked tired, as if he stayed up all night. He didn’t bother to look presentable with his messy hair, puffy face, eye bags as dark as the moon. He looked restless. This wasn’t him at all. He seemed out of place. He said nothing, simply walking into my room after shoving me aside lightly with his hand. I followed behind him, too scared of how he might react while he interrogate me.

Renjun went to sit at the edge of my bed. I took the chair of my study table and pulled it to seat in front of me. With my actions so uptight and out of place, I knew that he knew that something was wrong. Clearly wrong. I watched as Renjun closed his eyes, somewhat in a way to compose himself of whatever feelings he was having at the moment. But when he met my eyes, it was intimidatingly dark. He was staring right into my soul, possibly reading whatever’s in my heart.

He leaned forward and interlocked his fingers together in front of him. “An explanation would be nice.” He said in a monotonous voice. I wasn’t liking this one bit. Renjun was scary. Like there was a fire inside him that no one could put out yet he’s able to keep his tone raw and bare. “I...” I began to trailed off, trying to quickly form a sentence. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I tried to force myself to speak.

“I’m sorry.” I let out, looking down. With my head tilted down, my eyes looked to his again. And I could tell they were now filled with anger, and disappointment. “I know you are. But why?” Renjun asked again. I swallowed all my feelings down my throat in hopes that I won’t spill them out and cry while trying to explain. “I used you, okay? When I first met you, and we began to hang out, you just so vaguely resembled Kim and I...” The tears began to well up in my eyes. My vision got blurry and I lost sight of Renjun.

“I just thought I could get over him if I forced myself to fall for you.” I blinked my eyes, the tears giving in and streaming down my dried cheeks, wetting them with guilt and resentment towards myself. Renjun was sitting still in front of me. There was no expression change in his face, and that scared me even more. But what was said next, had my heart shattering even more than it did last time. “So I see there was no point in liking you in the first place.” Renjun stood up. But after he took one step, I quickly rose from the chair and grabbed his wrist, holding onto it tightly as if trying my best to hold onto his heart that could now slip away from my grasp at any second.

“What?” Renjun asked, a hint of annoyance shining through his tone. That simple word rolled hard off his tongue, and I knew he meant for it to slice through my sliver of hope. I feel the sting of the word, like a pinprick, like the word itself is trying to pop me the way it pops my thought bubble “My feelings are real, Renjun. None of it was fake.” I pleaded, holding myself back from shedding more tears. “You’re just contradicting yourself.” Renjun jerked my grip off him roughly, hard enough for me to stumble a step back in shock. My mouth was still agape, my brain trying its best to work fast on how I could make this even the slightest bit better. It’s as if the

But as soon as I saw Renjun taking his steps to my door, I knew there was nothing left for me to do. The door slammed shut, and he was completely out of my view. When he went away, for a long moment, I went empty too, like all of me just flooded out and disappeared. Then it hit me. Renjun wasn’t going to come back. He’s never going to talk to me again. I dropped to the floor as if all the life has been sucked out of me, the earth wanting to drain me of my ever happiness as punishment. It’s like the world went blank and still, and so do I. My chest is clenching tighter and tighter, suffocating my lungs and stopping me from breathing in air.

“Fuck you’re stupid.” I croaked out, my eyes shut so tight with my head hanging loose to face the ground in embarrassment. My heart pounded so hard I thought my bones might shatter. I could hear it in my eardrums as all the feelings that were pinching me inside slowly grew numb. My eyes were puffy and I was loosing myself in that moment. I risked everything I had with Renjun for the sake of my pride. And I’ll never know if I could ever overcome this swelling pain.

Weeks went by. I used to count how many days I went without Renjun, but I stopped. What was the point to that anyways? I guess it served me as a coping system to reassure myself that I could be well withhout Renjun. But I knew deep down I wasn’t. Not at all. The hours, minutes, seconds of ever day went by as if forever. And it hurt every time. I never got Renjun out of my mind, no matter what I tried to do. Study, go out for a drink, read. Nothing. Because it all related back to Renjun. He was so entangled into my life within that short time span that it felt almost impossible to do anything.

I would occasionally see Renjun walk on campus with his group of friends. He had the smile that he mentioned he’d only show to me, for me. I could hear his laughter down the hallway and my heart would break just a little more. It was hard. He was my only friend. And yet he’s better off without me, knowing he had others to go to. I was alone, and I had myself to blame for that.

One day, I couldn’t bare it any longer. I wanted to talk to him. In any way. I just needed a second of his time, of his touch. This afternoon after my lecture, I saw him walking alone on campus. He had his head held high and confident, occasionally greeting people he knew. The smile never left his face, and his hair captured all the sunlight as if it was all shining on solely him. I wanted to move, but something in me had my feet rooted to the ground. Perhaps it was me knowing that he was indeed better off without me, and I had to live with this weight in my heart.

“You’ve been staring at him for so long.” I startled awake from my trailed off thoughts when a voice sat itself low beside my head. I turned around, meeting Haechan’s face close to him. I leaned back from the sudden shock. “I know something’s wrong.” Haechan He shrugged in a blasé, god-could-care sort of way, knowing it would get me alert. “He told you, I suppose?” I whispered, looking down to my feet that missed their chance at carrying me to Renjun. Haechan scoffed, almost in a sarcastic manner. “He told me nothing. I’m just observant.” He corrected me with a professional sort of tone.

My eyebrows go up in question, but I soon gave a lifeless expression after. “It’s none of your business.” I was about to walk away when he prevented me from even taking one step with his grip on my wrist. I turned around to meet his eyes. For a moment it flashed pity. “Care for coffee?”

I gulped, my eyes never leaving the coffee that was in front of me, reflecting my terrible face in it that made me grimace at myself silently. I frowned, looking up to Haechan who was staring at me as if watching my every move with his lip cup resting on his lips. “What am I here for?” I finally asked after the long silence passed by. Haechan sighed for three days. “Don’t think Renjun has been well off without you.” He said straight up, no filter, no nothing. I stared at him, rendered clueless. I tried to sink in his words but I quickly got cut off when he continued with, “Trust me. I know Renjun my whole life. He’s putting on a show for you. Though you and I don’t know what he does behind closed doors. I know the way you currently view him is not him at all.”

Haechan’s words got me wanting to speak, but not a single word could leave my mouth. So many things came into my mind. So many questions I wanted to ask. But I guess the overload made my brain lag and unable to process anything but Haechan’s words. “How is he?” I managed to spoke, though it cracked for a moment and it was barely audible. “He acts fine around us. As if we don’t know him enough to know that he’s been ditching us to hang out with you.” Haechan chuckled lowly and shook his head. “If anything, he needs you to approach him. I mean I know he’d be doing it first if it wasn’t for his god annoying pride.”

Haechan leaned closer, with a mysterious gaze that pulled me in response, as if he wanted to tell a secret. “Whatever you two have going on, fix it. I don’t like seeing my friend put on a show for a girl. Make him happy again. And do whatever it takes.” Haechan rose from his seat, the screeching of the chair making contact with the floor as he pushed it back to allow himself to slip away from the table. He casually walked out, his footsteps sharp and precise and soon disappear. Bullets of Haechan’s harsh words buried themselves in my chest. But soon a coil of hope unraveled in my stomach.

I sat there, still in awe. How could I not believe Haechan’s words? He’s Renjun’s best friend. If Renjun really was going through a hard time, all the more I had to do something about it. I sighed, slowly changing my gaze from the random spot on the chair in front of me to my phone that sat quietly on the table. With a shut of my eyes, I reached for it, turning it on and going to Renjun’s contact. I never changed it. It was still ‘Annoying prick<3’ I breathed out a short laugh. My thumb shakily went to the call buttoned and hovered over it for awhile. I had no idea what I was going to do if he picked up. But I went for it anyway.

The ringing was beginning to haunt me by the fifth time. And just when I wanted to end the call, it picked up and I could hear Renjun’s shallow breathing through the speaker. “Hey.” He simply said. Hope provided a burst of warmth inside of me. “Are you free tonight...?” I questioned slowly with much uncertainty. A long pause went by. It was killing me. “Yeah.” Renjun’s short answers sounded normal. But something about it sent a cold chill down my spine. “Meet me at the park at 10. You know where.” I quickly ended the call and pressed the phone close to my chest. I was so nervous that I didn’t even get his confirmation that he’ll be there. Looks like I’ll be taking my chances like a real idiot.

That night, the cold seemed to be pinching my bare face. I sat there on the bench. At first my hopes were high and I was waiting with my back straight and shoulders back to give a good impression. But as hours went by as the temperature seemed to drop tremendously and I could feel my lips and face freezing up, I slowly slouched and huddled myself in a tight hug, claiming desperately for warmth. The only thing that was currently giving me hope was the bright moon shining its light on everything with the stars to accompany it with its little to no presence, yet still as prominent as the moon to me.

I wasn’t prepared for such a night at all, simply coming here in a hoodie and sweatpants. I bit my lower lip as my overthinking began to trail itself down a dark path. I swallowed down my hurt feelings, closing my eyes and simply wanting to take a break from all I had endured. I needed the rest. Suddenly, I felt something heavy draped over my shoulders, wrapping around my around. The action got me to hold my body still. But I managed to flutter my eyelids open and turn to look the one responsible.

“Renjun.” I softly called out. I cracked a weak smile. “You actually came.” “You dumb fuck.” Renjun’s words got my expressionless and tired face to make mold itself into a shocked one. He roughly placed his hands firmly on my shoulders and turned my upper body to face him. My eyes met his, and he was examining every inch of my face in worry. He cupped my cheeks in his hands, his palm welcoming itself with warmth. His gentle touching imbued with care was instantly recognisable. “How long have you been waiting out here?” Renjun’s voice was highly concerned.

“Not long.” I slowly replied. Renjun shook his head intensely and pulled me into his embrace. It was tight, yet not suffocating. It was one that’s all too familiar. “You idiot. Don’t you know how to determine when it’s finally time to go back?” Renjun whispered, his worrisome still obvious in his tone. I rest my head against his chest, his heart beating rapidly against my ear that was pressed right at where his heart was. Did he come running here?

“How can I? I know no bounds when it came to you.” I whispered, a teardrop instantly falling out of my already overflowing eyes. I pressed myself into him more, my hands eventually lifting themselves up on instinct to wrap around Renjun’s chest. Renjun placed his chin on top of my head, slowly tilting it down to plant a soft and feather-like kiss on the crown of my head. “I hate you. I still do. But I’m not worth enough to have you waiting out here in the damn cold.”

The ground between us feels a little more solid but the rest of the world shakes like it’s built on a high wire miles above the earth, crashing down and leaving only Renjun and I still standing, still here in this moment. My heart began to pick up its pace, with a heartbeat that threatened to tear through my ribcage from Renjun’s ever so careful touch. Renjun sighed and pulled away, my body still close to his. He gaze met mine and he never failed to have it locked on me. That action alone was enough to make me break out in goose bumps, to make my stomach crisscross into deep knots.

“Say that you love me.” Renjun was studying my eyes, as if looking into my soul for any more lies. But I quickly reverted it. “I love you.” I was sincere, from the bottom of my heart. And I tried my heart to have my eyes and voice tell it for him. Renjun hugged me close again and kissed my forehead, letting his lips stay there as it brushed lightly above my skin.

Jisung liked doing social experiments. It was practically his side hobby, something he’d do when there wasn’t anything important on his to-do list. He was simply interested at how the students at his campus would react upon weird occurrences around them. It got students talking whenever he did something, the fact that they didn’t know it was his doing is one of the reasons why he does it in the first place.

On this particular night, where Jisung was staring out of his window from his study table that was directly in front of it, giving the clearest view of the stars and especially the bright moon that reflected its light through his cracked open window and onto his study table, he was wondering about what to do next. What would get people to feel weirded out. What would get them to react a certain way.

When an idea came to mind, the light bulb hovering over his head switched on, the gears began to turn. It wasn’t the most brilliant idea, but it could go both ways. Either the students don’t bother even taking in their surroundings to notice it, or suffer the loss of not getting help. Jisung’s a dance major but he liked doing these projects for the fun of it so might as well. Jisung peeled off a random piece of sticky note from the stack with his other stationeries. Clicking his pen, he immediately went to writing.

When times you aren’t feeling fine, just call this number. I’ll try to be available 24/7.

Jisung frowned slightly and tilted his head. If he were to paste his numbers all over the school, he would probably be bombarded with calls every two seconds. It also didn’t make sense for him to be available 24/7. Clearly that was impossible. His frown deepened. He thought for a long moment, trying to phrase a sentence that was more suitable for what he wanted to do. With a smack of his lips and an unsure hiss, he grabbed a new sticky note and started again.

Glad you came to notice this note laying wherever you are in the library. Feeling stressed? Need someone to talk to? Simply need a friend? My number’s below. You don’t have to know who I am. I’m just here to help you out, mentally I guess. I’m available from 1PM-3AM. Call whenever you feel the need to. Have a nice day :D (don’t worry I’m not some stalker or whatever i’m just a bored student here)

Jisung clicked his pen against the table to close it, his eyes scanning over his words, which might he add was beautifully written, like calligraphy. Jisung couldn’t help but crack a small smile at that thought. He threw the pen off to the side and went to his printer with the sticky note, now moving on to making copies. He wanted to copy a reasonable number, not too little till no one noticed or too many till it was extremely obvious, but well enough for him to get at least a small chance of getting a response. With a number in mind, he began printing.

The next day, he went for his lecture in the morning. He preferred having the morning lectures just so he could spend the rest of his day doing whatever. And on today’s agenda was the pasting of his notes. With the weight of his bag pulling his shoulders and back down, he wished he could go back to the dorms right now and start of his assignment but he wanted to settle this first.

He entered the library. It wasn’t too crowded. Students were fairly spaced apart from each other in the study area, sparse. Some students were at shelves. With his hands still shoved into the pockets of his black Adidas jacket, he make his way over to a random study table. He needed to do this quick to avoid suspicion. But why would students notice anyway? They had their heads digged into whatever work that was incomplete.

Jisung slowed himself down and took out the a note from the small file he had in his bag along woth a large clear tape role. He had to put his bag down, searching for the scissors. He cut a reasonable amount of tape after placing the note in the bottom right corner and placed it over top, sealing the note onto the table. Jisung back away for a moment, taking a long look at it. It was small, but still noticeable. With a satisfied shrug, he went on to do the same for some other tables, even going to bookshelves and randomly pasting them anywhere he wished.

What he didn’t know, was that he was being watch.

I had my brain wrapped around this essay for who knows how long now. Hours, days. Having to redo my research for the fith time was about to have my head spinning till it lolled, out of energy and brain power to hold up. I stared down at the notes scattered all over. The table was a huge mess, loosing track of how many pages I’ve flipped and how many articles I read online, as well as time of course. I sighed quietly, leaning back and closing my eyes, wanting to rest them for a brief moment.

When my eyelids opened back, I couldn’t help but notice the person that had been hovering around the study tables for far too long. It was distracting, watching him move from table to table at the corner of my eye. And though my attention had been on my papers, he was still to be seen in my peripheral vision. I blinked my eyes rapidly and shook my head, refusing to let a small matter tick me off to the point where I wasn’t able to do my work.

I straightened my back and adjusted my shoulders. Closing back my eyes, I took in a deep breath, chest puffing up as I gave myself a determined nod. I shot my eyes back open and with full exhilaration running through my veins, I got back to work, shutting the world out so it was just me and my work, wanting to get it done and over with.

Again I lost track of time, but in a much more productive way than how I was in the morning. I didn’t have classes today, making full use of my free time on my work. I pressed the final key on my keyboard, ending my essay with an exhale of satisfaction. I leaned back into the seat, throwing my head back till it went past the backrest. I placed my hands on the arms of the chair, and it was then did I realise that the library was extremely quiet.

I took in my surroundings, slow scanninv my eyes over the library. It was already dark, some areas pitch black while other were visible with the help of the moonlight shining through the windows. It was only the light at my study table that illuminated the area around with a orange hue. I didn’t mind being the inly one here, but sometimes it felt eerily quiet, like tonight. I grabbed my phone that was shoved into my bag. Lifting it up in front of me, the lockscreen showed itself, as well as the ungodly hour blaring at me.

“Three in the morning? How did I even...” I tilted my head slowly in awe, surpised at just how time flew by when I was immersed in completing my assignment. I read through my essay, having to close my eyes halfway due to how bright the screen of my laptop was. I was scanning through the first paragraph when I immediately went to shut down, already too tired to have one last scan through and making the mental decision of doing it tomorrow.

I packed up immediately, the thought of my bed and sleeping now being the number one priority. I shoved all my things in my tote bag, slinging it on my right shoulder. I was already taking off, a mere few steps away from the exit when I saw something shining at the corner of my eye. I stopped and turned on my heel to the study table. Slowly, my eyes trailed to the bottom right corner where the source of my pause came from. Turned out it was simply the light reflected of a tape. But upon further inspection, I went closer noticing it wasn’t just tape, but a note.

I read it over, having to brush some strands of hair behind my ear that was annoyingly covering the note. I quirked an eyebrow in a questioning manner, leaning back to my standing form once I was done reading, yet my eyes were glued to the impressively written note. “Who gives out their number just like that?” I couldn’t help but wonder under my breath. Too tired to even register any more information, I let this weird occurrence slid out of my mind, continuing to make my way out of the library and back to my dorm where I instantly fell asleep with no second thoughts.

The next day I got up, the light shining through the small holes of my curtain blinding me awake. I searched for my phone under my pillow, plugging out its charger while I scrolled through my social media, specifically Twitter. The first thing that popped up on my timeline was a tweet from the campus’s very own account. No one knows who it was made by, but you can bet that whoever they are has their eyes everywhere around the school, tweeting about the latest gossips or news around campus grounds. Today’s one sparked a memory from last night.

Someone’s at it again stirring up the attention of our students by having their number out in the open for everyone to see in our library. Was there more to it than just wanting to offer help through call service?

I scoffed, glancing away for a moment before retrieving my gaze back to my phone. “Do they actually want people calling them?” I asked myself while scrolling my thumb up to look at the other tweets below. It did come to my attention that night, now picturing the note in my mind. I didn’t remember the number, but it was there, and something about it was drawing the curiosity in me to find out more. With a grunt I shot myself out of bed, getting ready to head to the library again to study.

I hadn’t expected how much time would pass by just from me studying. I’ve been in the library for almost a full day. I was being sent on an emotional roller coaster ride. Some hours being a breeze as I studied the easiest topics, while others had me wanting to rip my hair off my scalp from trying to shove all the information in my brain when it felt like it was at its full capacity. I wasn’t myself today. I kept looking at my phone that was a distraction, which was something I never did at all while studying. I was off the edge.

With exams coming up in a month’s time, I knew I was studying too much too early. But I always had to stick to my life motto. “Get it done and over with.” I muttered to myself. But tonight, at one in the morning, my body and mind couldn’t register any more information. I couldn’t. I was tired, exhausted. Drained. The stress came barreling in full force and I hated how I was making myself feel this way by always being on edge and doing things too fast to keep up with everything else in life.

Wanting to clear my head, I began gathering some of my notes, stacking them up to the clean the table that was in a huge mess. My eyes have grown used to this sight, but I was simply cleaning for the sake of procrastinating and putting off the desire to complete aoother topic. When I was done cleaning one section of the table, something struck my attention. I looked to the bottom right corner of the table. And there it was. The note that’s been in the hidden folds of my mind when I pushed them back to focus on studying.

My eyes went from left to right, specifically at the number since I’ve remembered the note unusually vividly. “Should I?” I whispered. I looked around, no one was to be seen. Weird, since I’d usually see at least one student here despite the late hour. I exhaled softly, letting the cold air that circulated around me in the night cool my skin while I picked up my phone from the table and keyed in the number. I wasn’t thinking about what I was getting myself into. At this point, I was already overloaded with my studies that I was malfunctioning, clearly not thinking straight.

I placed the phone up to my ear, leaning forward and letting my upper body rest against the table while I placed my chin in the palm of my free hand. The ringing went on for five times, and I was about to hang up when I heard the sound of the phone being picked up. “Hey. Who’s this?” It was a guy. Could it be the one that I saw lurking around that day? I gulped and cleared my throat, opening my mouth and letting out an “Uh..” while trying to figure out what to say. “Your number is here. One the study table at the library.” I simply said, wondering what he’ll respond with.

Sudden shuffles could be heard. It went on for a brief moment till he exclaimed, “Oh! Right, right. Hey! I’m at your service, what do you need?” His voice sounded dry and coarse, like he had forgotten to drink water before he slept. Was he sleeping and picked up while he’s half asleep? I ran a hand through my hair, adjusting to get comfortable. “A listening ear. That’s all I need.” I murmured through the speaker. I had to let it all out. And it came to the point where I’d rather actually talk to a stranger about my problems than anyone I knew. But that’s how we all are nowadays, right? Too self conscious and simply wanting to put on an act for the whole world.

“Go on. I’m all ears.” He replied back, sounding attentive and somewhat interested. I didn’t want to think much of it. He was clearly like this to everyone else who called for “his service”. Being receptive and responsive. Kind and willing. That’s what he sounded like. The first person to actually say something that felt like all those things at once, to me.

“Do...” I trailed off, shaking my head and wondering what I even wanted to say in the first place. I smacked my lips. “Don’t you just feel tired? Of like the whole world. Everything and everyone around you. You’re tired physically and emotionally.” He hummed in response. “Of course I do. A lot of people feel that.” I scoffed softly, biting my bottom lip. “Yes but, the other thing that’s making me tired... is myself. I have this habit of just overloading my brain with lots of things. It feel as if I’m making myself stress on purpose.” I couldn’t help but chuckle weakly as the words left my lips.

“I always wanted to the best I could be. And that led to me just grinding and grindinv everyday with no end. I barely get to sleep, and even if I did. I’ll wake up and the whole cycle will repeat itself. I fucking hate that I’m in this loop. But I chose to be here. I can’t break out.” My voice began to crack. It took me awhile to realise that I was crying till my tears fell on the papers and made its mark by crinkling the paper while it soaked up my tears. I blotched them off my cheeks with the back of my hand.

“Hey, if-”

“And don’t.” I cut him off instantly before he could even utter another word. “Don’t tell me other people are going through the same thing.” I shut my eyes close, heaving a slow and heavy sigh. “I know. Everyone in my major goes through the same process. I’m weak. Even though I try to act like I’m the best student. My tolerance level can go down the drain for all I care.” I paused for a moment, mentally telling himt to resume whatever he wanted to say but knew he couldn’t read my mind.

But from the pause he knew what it meant and picked it up quickly, clearing his throat. “I was about to say if you want to cry, you can. I can tell that you’re holding it in and I don’t even need to see you.” I sniffled, the feeling of wanting to burst into tears again came about, rising in my body and making my chest clench. “It’s okay.” As if on cue, I screamed, cried, poured it all out. I threw my phone down, the call still on as I wailed into my palms, pressing my face against them. I’ve never had such a breakdown in months, simply shoving it to the back of my mind and kept ignoring it till it came out like this. A full blown terror.

I wanted to talk, yet my mouth couldn’t form any words. All that came out were sniffles as I calmed myself down. “I don’t really have much to say on this. And you probably don’t even want to hear me talk but you should take a break. Really. Just one day. You need it. Because you seriously don’t sound okay.” I couldn’t help but breathe out a short laugh, a very weak and effortless one. “I never thought of that, Captain Obvious.” I rolled my eyes, a smile cracking through for a brief moment.

He chuckle on the other end of the line. “You thought of it but didn’t put it into action.” He stated, sounding slightly firm. “Yes.” I admitted dryly. A few beats of silence passed, I could hear his breathing, calm and soothing. “I think I should, um, go now?” It was suppose to be a statement but due to me trying to recover from my mess, it came out as a question. I could hear him licking his lips. “Yes of course. Oh and hey.” “Yeah?”

“Do you need help with that rest day of yours?” I didn’t reply, giving it a long throught. “I probably won’t even be doing it.” I said through a sigh, beginning to pack up my things to head out of the library. “But you should. Actually, you will. I want to make sure of it.” I couldn’t help but furrow my eyebrows at his unexpected tone of determination. “Don’t you have other people to attend to for your call service?” I questioned.

“You’re actually the first one.” I could tell he was feeling rather embarrassed, letting out a tight laugh after his statement. “And I don’t even know who you are.” I was now walking out of the library, phone still to the ear while I adjusted my tote bag on my shoulder. “For starters, I’m a dance major. I’d like to mostly keep my identity hidden for now. Unless you want to meet.”

I gaped my mouth open ever so slightly, somewhat in disbelief. “You want to meet?” I echoed his question back to him, head tilted mere degrees to the side. “Well I have to make sure you have that rest day of yours. How can I when I don’t meet you?” I chuckled softly, the corner of my lips perking up. “I’ll think about it. At least I have your number now.”

“Always at your service, miss. Have a good night.”

With that, the call ended. I didn’t realisd just how much time passed by simply talking to him. It went by so fast. It was already getting pretty late by the time I checked my phone for the time. I made my way back to the dorm, the cold breeze of the night kissing my skin gently and blowing strands of hair into my face that I had to brush off. I looked up to the sky, for once the world was quiet, at rest, and just for these few hours, I had always admired how I could breathe the freedom of mere minutes while I went to the dorm.

Yet, while admiring the ink black sky, the conversation I had with the call service guy resonated in my head, I laughed at how weird it was, pouring all that I’ve bottled up till now to someone who was of no significance to me. He probably won’t even remember we had this conversation, only passing it on as his first service call. He was also only doing his job, simply being there for me to talk. Why was I even taking this seriously? I could never rest. I could never take a break. I always had moments like these to treasure at heart before I awaken to everything going full speed yet again.

I walked to the lecture hall, watching students happily walking on campus with their friends with the sky a mix of blue and white. It was a regular day. Hopefully, if I didn’t have any assignment and I could focus on studying.

Just then, a whole ton of screaming could be heard, but it was muffled and drowned out due to how far I was from the source. But it sounded horrendous. As if a boy band had just entered the campus and send billions of fangirls to their way. I wanted to continue walking but the squeals of excitement got louder and closer to me. I turned my head to the back. “Ah... why didn’t I think about that?”

There’s the group of guys again. Too popular for their own good. Everyone was shouting their names, swooning over each one of them. I wonder how they didn’t find having to deal with that annoying. Or perhaps it was just an act. I backed away from the hallway to watch them strut by casually, the group of girls following closely behind. But just then, for a brief moment, a guy wearing a black adidas jacket walked past me, mutttering “I really shouldn’t have followed you guys today.” He rolled his eyes and went out of sight. I turned my head to the right, where I could now see his back. He looked petite yet lean, with orange hair of a natural tone, the under part of it being black. What stood out to me the most was his adidas jacket. Wasn’t that the one from the library?

“Do you guys actually go through that every single day?” Jisung groaned out finally taking a breath of fresh air as they entered the room, feeling as if he got swallowed by all the attention throughout their trip to the playroom. Mark picked up a basketball from the side and began bouncing it casually to the couch where the rest were getting settled. “Today’s especially crazy because it’s our group’s anniversary.” Jisung gave an unimpressed look. “Do you think I don’t know that?” He shrugged in a blasé, god-could-care sort of way.

“How’s your call service thing going? We know it’s was your doing. My timeline’s blowing up about it this whole time.” Jeno questioned. Jisung sat at the corner of the couch. placing his forearm on the armrest and leaning his body to it. “Funny how it’s all girls and they all talked about how they couldn’t get you guys to notice them. It always had something to do with one of you.” Jisung laughed carelessly, remembering back the calls he’d been receiving throughout today. Jisung tried his best to suppress his laughter to not sound rude. Even if Jisung found it ridiculous, he wasn’t in the place to say anything about it. His call service was meant for him to console the people who called, no matter the situation he was being told.

However, another thought that came to focus was the call that he specifically had late in the night. It was his first call. And whoever that girl was, she certainly made an impression on Jisung. How she was letting it all out, being free enough to tell someone like him about such deep feelings. It was raw and transparent. The conversation never left his mind. Jisung zinged back to attention when he heard Haechan scoff loudly. He turned to him, seeing him leaned back, shoulders and back relaxed and cool while he had his weight placed on his leg and his arms folded. He then clicked his tongue and said, “Not surprised.” nonchalantly, clearly showing that he was already used to the large amount of girls swooning over him through his voice.

“So are you guys free tonight? We could take a break and hang out.” Everyone nodded their heads followed by hums filling the room signaling that everyone agreed, except for Jisung. “Jisung, you in?” Renjun asked. Jisung took in a deep breath, glancing sideways and giving it a thought. He slowly shook his head. “Why? Are you busy?” Chenle asked quizzically. “Have an assignment.” Jisung blurted out, though he had other reasons.

The rest planned to head out together after spending time in the playroom. Jisung was left in his dorm, pacing back and forth from one end of his room to the other, eyes looking to his phone each time to turned. What was he waiting for? He wanted to ask himself, as if he didn’t already knew the answer. He was so drawn in to her. The way she spoke, the honesty in her voice. It’s as if he didn’t even need to look at her to know how she was moving and what she was doing.

Jisung scratched his head furiously and on the edge of his bed heavily, grabbing his phone and letting it sit in hand loosely. “She wouldn’t call again, would she? But I did imply that she could meet me if she wanted to. She might not even call again.” Jisung muttered to himself constantly, hopping from one possibility to another, raising his hopes up and bringing them back down. Jisung groaned loudly in frustration.

“Why am I even...” Jisung threw his phone to his bed and stood up again with a grunt, wanting to resume his assignment that was almost finished. All it took was one call to have him this tangled and have his mind wrapped around a simple phone call. Worst part is he didn’t even knew if he could ever see her. He could only depend on his chances and luck that she’d want to contact him again.

This time I decided to study in my dorm, too lazy to go down to the library. It wasn’t the best environment to study. My bed was literally mere inches away from my study table, constantly wanting to pull me into throwing myself on it and shut out each time I looked at it. It was a bad decision to have my room planned out like that, but I was too lazy to move it. I tapped the end of my pen against the table rapidly, my mind going black as I simply stared at a random spot on the wall. I wasn’t having the adrenaline to do my work today. I was simply doing it for the sake of doing it, not having a clear goal.

I turned to my phone, being a remembrance of my call with the service guy. I had thought about it the whole day, whether I should give him a call. But I was overthinking it. What if he’s busy? What if he had other people’s call to deal with? All sorts of questions popped up, but after giving it a long thought, I flipped my phone screen faced down harshly, shaking my head vigorously and tensing my hands on my scalp.

“Concentrate.” I stated out boldly to myself right smack in the face. I repeated the same word as I got ready to resume my studying. I couldn’t be thinking about a mere call. It was just a call. One time I let out my now spilled out feelings. I was empty now, so there shouldn’t be a need for another call. I could continue what I always did.

Jisung’s friends had been realising how he’s been zoning out more often than usual. And he wasn’t as outwardly as he had always been. They pampered him a lot and treated him like their own child. But there was something that made Jisung feel different around them. Jaemin nudged Jisung in the elbow, making him jolt to sit up right in shock and shooting his head to Jaemin. “Huh?” Jisung let out.

“Have you been okay lately? You seem to have something on your mind often.” Jaemin asked, his eyes scanning the room and seeing the rest of their friends minding their own businesses. Jisung blinked his eyes rapidly and shook his head. “You sure?” Jisung puffed up his cheeks and let the air out through a sigh. “You know my call service?” Jisung began, he knew Jaemin would recognise the slightest change in Jisung’s behaviour. Everyone did, that was how much they cared about him. But Jaemin was the first one to bring it up so might as well. Everyone will know eventually.

Jaemin hummed in response. “My first call. It was very late into the night when. It’s a girl. And hers, was different than the rest I’ve received. As she talked, I felt that she was hiding nothing from me. That she was letting it all out for me to hear, not caring about who I was.” Jisung whispered. “I felt her desperation, her cries of help. Though she said she’ll manage it somehow, I got the feeling that she wouldn’t be able to. That she’ll crumble the more she continued.” Jaemin nodded his head slowly, processing Jisung’s words. “And so?”

“I mentioned to her that if she ever needed a call, she could do so. Or better if we meet. But she never called. And I don’t know who she is, which is what’s been on my mind. The frustration that she made such an impact yet I haven’t found out who she is.” Jaemin puckered his lips and looked upwards thoughtfully. “Did she mention anything about herself? Her major, or anything?” Jisung recalled their conversation that was etched in his mind. Jisung frowned and shook his head.

“What time did she call?” “One or two in the morning?” Jaemin gasped in disgust. “Who the hell-”

“Law and psychology students.” Jeno suddenly came into the conversation seamlessly and casually. Jisung leaned back and raised brows. “Really?” Jisung asked. Jeno scoffed and nodded. “They have tons of shit to study. From what Jaehyun tells me, they’re always staying up super late going through papers.” Jeno imitated a gag and a shiver in objection. “I could never.” He added.

“There’s so many students in those majors. How am I going to find her?” Jeno arched a questioning brow. “Find who?” Jisung sighed and motioned a hand to Jeno while looking at Jaemin, raising his brows for a moment. Jaemin waved a hand at Jeno when Jisung dropped his hand on his lap. “I’ll tell you guys later.” With that, Jeno shrugged mindlessly and went off. Jaemin adverted his attention back to Jisung, who looked even more discouraged than before.

“My poor baby. Listen, I’m sure you made an impression just like how she did on you. If she doesn’t call again, who knows. She might try finding you instead of giving you a call. Or you can just pray and gamble your luck. If you want, I’ll help you find her. You know my connections always come in handy.” Jaemin flashed a reassuring smile that Jisung didn’t hesitate to reciprocate, though it was smaller. “I’ll figure something out.” Jisung muttered, clicking his tongue.

I didn’t want to do this at first, but it kept bugging me the whole day, as if it was something that just had to be done by occupying my mind for almost the whole day. I walked out of the lecture hall, head scanning across the campus with my eyes wide open and attentive to find him.

From what I remembered, he said he was a performing arts major. And the only person I knew in that major was the one and only Ten, who I always saw lurking around the cafés on campus while I made my way back to the dorm. Luckily, I saw him sitting on a bench outside one of the cafés, munching on something while he played his phone. I instantly ran up to him, feeling a sense of hope rising while I accidentally poked Ten in the arm too hard to get his attention, causing him to wince. He looked up and recognised me, instantly flashing a welcoming smile.

“Oh, hey!” Ten shouted, his eyes forming a thin line while he waved at me with his chocolate croissant in hand. “Can I ask something briefly and perhaps even do me a favour?” I asked, slow and nervous with uncertainty. Ten raised his eyebrows quizzically. “Mm sure.” He simply replied. I exhaled and looked him in the eye. “I’m assuming you’re having your break now. Would it be possible for you to take me to your practice room? I know it’s random but I have something I need to check.”

Ten didn’t reply for a long minute, probably wondering why such a vague request came out from someone who would most likely have her time occupied almost 24/7. After waiting in anticipation, he finally shrugged and rose from the bench with a grunt. He proceeded to stretch his back, turning side to side and sighing in satisfaction. “Alright. I can take you there now.” With that, he went forward down the hall, walking as if leaving me behind. I stared at his back for a moment before quickly moving up to meet his pace.

We didn’t talk on the way there. Luckily I didn’t have to worry about us being awkward since the walk from the cafés to the practice room was only a few minutes. I was looking around when I almost bumped into Ten due to his sudden stop of motion and turning to face a door. I peeked inside and I could already see the full wall mirror that I saw dancers usually use. I turned to Ten, who jerked his head to the door, motioning me to open and enter the room.

The moment I placed my hand on the door handle, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of nervousness in me, wondering if I would even find him since I have zero idea on how he looked like. The only evidence I had was the fact that I saw someone wearing an adidas jacket who I assumed to be the one I was looking for. But that was such an unreliable assumption that I knew I couldn’t fully trust, but still try to find a way to use it to my advantage either way.

I pushed the door open, instantly bombarded with hard stomps coming from the people dancing. I felt the floor shake tremendously from the intimidating impact that created. The music was blasting from the speaker in front of them, along with a bottle which I assumed to be marked as the center of the stage. I watched silently, feeling Ten’s presence behind. With a glance over my shoulder, I could tell he was eyeing the performance with much concentration and intensity, eyes squinting as if analysing each and every one of their movements to a T.

I brought my focus back on them. It didn’t take my eyes long for it to focus on one person. The adidas jacket guy. One guy was wearing it. He was also wearing a black cap, blonde hair poking out from the bottom. His figure was small yet attractively lean. I couldn’t see his face at all. Yet, I was so drawn to him. Not just because he could’ve been the one I was looking for, but the fact that his dance was engaging, and nothing compared to the rest.

They got to a moment where everyone exited and it was just him alone in the center of the room while others waited by the sidelines. My mouth gaped open slightly, watching him go. His movements are seemingly perfect, every part of his body moving fluidly like water yet intricate and hard hitting. It was impactful, loud. He stood out, and I could picture the whole room going dark with a single light shining on him, and only him. I could tell he was expressing himself and giving his all. I didn’t need to have background knowledge on dance to see that in him.

The dance lasted for about five minutes, and I had my eyes locked on Adidas Jacket guy the whole time, too immersed to the point where I didn’t even feel Ten poking my shoulder. “_____?” He called out, making me blink my eyes rapidly upon hearing his voice and turning my head around. “Yeah?” Ten ruffled his hair. “They’re done. You can check whatever you need to check now.” I let out a soft, “Um...” while turning my head back to the front, eyes glazing over the room and looking for Adidas Jacket. I stood there frozen, not exactly sure what I even wanted to do in the first place.

I turned around fully to face Ten, adjusting my tote bag. “Actually, I think I’m good. I’ll go now. See you around?” It was more of a greeting than a question. But either way, Ten downshifted his head and moved his body out of my way to the door. “You too. Come more often if you’d like.” Ten smiled kindly. I simply reciprocated back the smile and walked out, not saying anything about Ten’s last comment.

At the dorm, I had my arms and legs spread out while I laid on my bed, blankly staring at the plain white ceiling while I tried to connect the dots, or even just simply having everything laid and mapped out in my mind. How was I even sure that could be him? His physique seemed to be similar from what I remembered, the jacket was another clue too. But how could I confirm it? I have yet to check the time the moment I came back, and I already knew hours had gone by.

“Who even are you?” I asked to the ceiling, directing it to the mysterious call service guy who had my mind hung up in him and having my busy life off balance.

“Who are you?” Jisung questioned silently, though it was loud enough that Renjun had to peek his head over the bunk bed to look at Jisung who was below. “What are you talking about?” Renjun asked. Jisung turned his head to the side, showing Renjun his side profile and closing his eyes with a quiet sigh. “It’s nothing.” Renjun shrugged and headed back to sleep.

Jisung had his mind on her the entire time, who could she be, how he could find her, and even where to start? He knew nothing about her. And that’s the thing. He didn’t know exactly what was making him think about her so much, it was just their call in general. He had zero information on her. And if what Jeno said was true, then he was probably thinking about going through such extend with his idea to get even a glimpse of her.

That very day once he ended his dance practice which was around evening with the sun beginning to shine brightly, he went to the library. What was his plan exactly? He wanted to wait in the library till he could find her. But how would he even know? He didn’t even know why he was doing this in the first place. He was simply placing his bet on faith and praying that the hours he was about to spend in the most dreadful place ever would not go to waste.

Not knowing what to do, he ended up huddled in a corner of the library, using the bookshelves on both sides of him to lean back and rest his head. He hated being in libraries, he hated anything to do with academics, which was why he chose to pursue his passion for dance. Though there was still dance theory, it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. But being surrounded by books that offered him no information he wanted to know about had him feeling dizzy and bored to death.

He checked the time on his phone, eyes widening at how late it was. He felt his stomach squeezing, a low grumble coming from it while desperately asking for food to enter his system. He face suddenly lit up, remembering how he had leftover bread from the bread store he dropped by during his break. He instantly took it out and ate, watching the sun come down through the windows and turning the sky from blazing red to ink black, welcoming the night with the moonlight shining in.

He has yet to notice anyone that caught his eye. He started to think that he could have possibly missed his chance. What if she was here but left when Jisung had his guard down? What if she wasn’t even here to begin with? Should he just leave and not waste more time? Jisung was desperately holding onto his last string of hope, that was already fraying and could snap in a matter of seconds. Too tired of staying in one place, he decided to take a walk around the library.

Jisung went to the study area, the spot where he stood from gave him a clear view of everyone in their seats. Fair enough, there were students who looked like they were about to stay the whole night here, which made Jisung sniffled in disgust. How could anyone even put up with that much studying?

He was roaming and scanning his eyes lazily over the books tucked neatly and tightly on the shelves, taking long strides while he walked. Suddenly, his phone vibrated in his hand. He brought it up in front of him, seeing an unknown number displayed. Picking up the call, and he greeted, “Hey! Always at your service. What do you need?” in the most cheerful way he could put out. Though the exaggerated sigh he let out while picking up the call might’ve been heard from the other end.

“Um hey. I don’t think you remembered me but I’m the first one to call. You know uh, stressed out girl? Need a rest day girl?” Jisung widened his eyes at the realisation. It was her. “Uh...” He stammered, quickly bringing his phone down to take a screenshot of her number before placing it back on his ear. “Hey! How have you been? Glad you called again.” Jisung turned around to lean again the bookshelf, arms folded while he looked down.

“It’s been fine.” She replied. Jisung could already feel the uneasiness in her tone, shining through her words. “You aren’t.” Jisung stated outwardly, unintentionally sounding harsh. “Have you taken your rest day?” Jisung asked out of pure curiosity. This was the moment of lucky coincidence, one that he had to make full use of so he wouldn’t let her slip out of his grasp. “Not exactly? I’m at the library again. Had to complete a project.” Jisung’s eyes widened again, this time till his eye ball could’ve fallen out of his eye sockets.

Jisung quickly and hurriedly made his way to the study area, where he last stood. And there she was. He could feel the hairs behind his neck standing upright like soldiers with goosebumps being sent all over his body. She’s the only student there, the orange lamp illuminating the small area surrounding her. Jisung could only see her back unfortunately. Jisung would’ve ran up to her and surprised her. But something in him made him want to just admire her from afar. “You seem to be putting that rest day off? Have it tomorrow. It’s a Friday either way.” Jisung mentioned, eyes narrowing down on her back.

Jisung watched as she sighed and a ran a hand through her hair quickly, somewhat in distress. “Can you force me to?” She whispered, lowering her voice. Jisung blinked his eyes for a moment. “You want me to force you? I don’t want you feeling forced.” She chuckled through the phone, sending a shiver down Jisung’s spine. “I know I won’t do it on my own will. I’m just like that. Like I said before, I’m basically driving myself into insanity trying to keep up with my work. Always grinding, always on the edge. And I can never slip off once.”

I called on impulse. My hands couldn’t keep away from typing in the same number now permanent on the bottom right corner of the table. As I hear him speak on the other end, I weirdly felt safe, and comfort. A sense of calmness. “I’m anxious that if I shut myself from the world from one day, I’ll miss out on a lot, and just stress over it while I try getting everything done to be back on the same level.” I gulped, laughing weakly. “I’m stressing myself for no reason.”

Jisung walked from the back of the bookshelves to shift his angle of sight, attempting to get a better look of her instead of just her back. He managed to get a better view, but the side of her face was covered by her hair as she kept looking down on the table, which only made Jisung frown. “Did you consider about the meet up?” Jisung questioned, peeking his head upwards and standing on his toes, trying everything he can he get a glimpse of her without actually approaching.

“Why do you want to meet me? Hasn’t there been anyone else that called you service? You are required to comfort them too. Why am I so important that you would even want to meet me?” Jisung left a long pause. He never expected such a thought. He didn’t know how to reply either. He bit the inside of his cheek, glancing sideways as he tried to force something out, knowing that she would have already suspected something from the long silence he gave. “If I’m being honest, the other calls were boring. Calls that have only been made once. You’re the only person who called back.” Truthfully, he had many other answers, but he all got blocked out when he narrowed his eyes down at her back.

“So me stressing over my life is much more interesting than the rest? I’ll take that as a compliment.” Jisung let out a soft chuckle, taking note to keep his voice low so he wouldn’t get caught. “Sure. Mm if you would escape to anywhere, where would you go?” She hummed in reply, most probably thinking long and hard. “I would...” She trailed, but it was followed by another longer pause. “Actually, I read about a Japanese term before. It’s ukiyo, the floating world.”

Jisung nodded his head, taking it in. “It when someone being detached from the bothers of life.” She sighed loudly through the phone, but Jisung could hear it clearly from the bookshelves. “I wish I could experience that floating world.” Her words grew into a whisper till it became inaudible at the end. Jisung saw her tilting her head down lower to the table, eventually using her forearm as a rest for her head. “Oh I have an idea.” Jisung replied quickly. “What if I become your so-called Peter Pan? Like, I can take you to Neverland for as long as you need. And that Neverland is just for you. It can be anything you want it to be.” Jisung suggested.

She laughed through the phone, a soft laugh that made Jisung’s already wavered heart skip another beat. “I’d love that.” Suddenly, she pushed her chair back, rising up from her seat. Jisung’s heart began to race, swiftly and silently turning his body to the back of the bookshelf. She was walking to the bookshelves a few rows down where he was at. He pressed himself up against the books in anxiety. “And what if I give you the free will to make Neverland? How would you want it to be? Because I know nothing about having a break.” Jisung heard her footsteps, one foot down followed by a few seconds of silence before placing down the next. It was slow and throwing Jisung off guard, thinking about what he’d do once she began to step close.

“I have two options. I’d either fill it with the things you love, or fill it with things I love and have you explore.” Jisung slid over to the nexy bookshelf ahead in fear, now keeping his voice lower than how it initially was. “I’d rather choose the latter. What do you like doing?” Jisung stared down at the floor. “Dancing, obviously. I like to hang out with my friends. Going out to the pet store just to look at hamsters.” Jisung and her giggled softly after hearing him say the last line.

“Hamsters? That’s cute.” Jisung took awhile to process the next part. He suddenly saw a pair of feet, inches away from his. He instantly shot his head up, seeing her standing in front of him. He tilted his head down a few degrees, realising that she was a lot shorter than him and needed to level the eye contact. For some reason, Jisung’s ribcage began to clench, suffocating his lungs and not letting a single grasp of air into his system as he looked at her. She wasn’t breathing either. The pin drop silence fill the small gap of air between them.

I brought my phone down from my ear, letting my hand fall to my side and my phone loosely hand by my fingers that wrapped around it. I glanced down for a moment before looking back up to him, he was extremely tall. “Wait you’re...” I tried to recall my memory while I took a close look at him, specifically his physique and body structure. It looked exactly like the one that caught my eye back at the practice room. “Were you the one dancing?” I questioned, not sure how to phrase it.

He tilted his head to the side and slowly nodded his head. “Um I’m always dancing?” He replied back with another question. But his head slowly tilted back straight, as if something had dawned on him. “You! Were you the one that came in the practice room that other day?!” He shouted, leaned back in shock as he covered his mouth that immediately gaped open at the realisation. I blinked my eyes rapidly and nodded my head. “Adidas jacket guy. It’s you.” I almost copied his posture entirely as I remembered.

The blonde hair, the thin yet lean body. It all matched. It was him. The cap didn’t give me a clear view before. But now, his face was right in front of me. And he was attractive. He had that baby face. All features of him were stunning and fit perfectly into his small face. He even had the looks to be an idol even, especially with those dance skills. “I’m Jisung. Park Jisung.” He finally introduced himself. In all honesty, I didn’t picture him to look like this while we chatted, his voice was low, and didn’t exactly suit the kind of build he had. “_____.” He hummed in response.

“This is...” Jisung broke his eye contact with me, bringing a hand up to rub the back of his neck while he breathed out a chuckle. “An unexpected way to meet. How’d you even find me?” I flashed a devious smile. “You weren’t hard to notice. I could hear shuffling right behind me then I heard your voice.” I shook my head. “What were you doing here though?” Jisung stammered, struggling to even form a sentence of reply. He looked like he was hiding the shakiness under his skin. “I thought I could find you by waiting here in the library.”

I squinted my eyes at his answer. So was he trying to find me all this time while I tried to do the same? “You actually waited here for hours?!” I couldn’t help but raise my voice a notch, too shocked when he downshifted his head. Why would he go through such lengths? Did he not think about the factors? Like how I would’ve not even come here in the first place? Or that I’d walk out and he’ll miss his chance? I had all those questions wrapped around my mind, but as much as I wanted to ask, all I could let out was, “So, Peter Pan.” I stated out loud, resuming the conversation we had on the phone.

Jisung smiled. It was a friendly smile. A warm one that embraced the space around them in the coldness of the dark. It also made him look a hundred times more attractive, with his eye smile that looked as if the world got brighter, and with his teeth showing. He kind of resembled a hamster, oddly enough. “Looks like I’m your Peter Pan now.” Jisung clasped his hands behind his back. “And my first order of business is getting you out of whatever hell hole you’re suffering from. And I don’t care what work you have to do. I’m not going to make you do it.” Jisung shook his head furiously, his bright orange-blonde hair swooshing as he did so, making it clear to me that it was extremely as light and fluffy as it looked to be.

“I’ll clear up my day. I have no lessons tomorrow so I’d usually study-” Jisung brought a finger up in front of my face, articulating it from left to right which a frown. “Nope. None of that. Being serious when I say you need a break. I feel like you have mental breakdowns like the one when you first called like once every week.” Jisung said, a soft hint of whining shining through his tone. “Wait do you?”

I bore my eyes into his, face feigned expressionless. “I mean, I had two mental breakdowns so far. That’s not bad, considering how many times I force myself not to.” I folded my arms, taking a step back to place my weight on one leg as I stood nonchalantly. “Yeah. But you still aren’t living your best life.” Jisung bent forward and smiled innocently, with eyes that looked into my soul and read my heart and mind.

“Pack up. You’re not studying anymore. Sleep. And I’ll meet you tomorrow at 2. Wake up at your own time. Don’t force your body into getting out of bed. Hear me?” Jisung began walking away, and I quickly followed, though I was struggling to keep up due to him taking big steps with his long legs. “Fine.” Was all I said, as we made our way to take our stuff from our separate places. We met back at the entrance, Jisung opening the door for me as I downshifted my head in thanks and went out.

“I watched you dance. It was incredible.” I suddenly let out, thinking about what else I could say about it. “It gave me a feeling that I can never pen down in words.” Jisung ruffled his hair and shook his head, adjusting his hair that looked messy. “Really? That’s nice to hear. But I know I can do better. I’m not the best.” When we stepped out of the library, I felt the cold breeze brushing my skin, too cold till I accidentally let out a shiver. “You seemed to be the best one there. I mean, the one that stood out to me the most.” Jisung raised both his brows, as if surprised such a comment came from someone. “Well I’m glad I was able to touch your heart.”

Moments of silence breezed through us like the cold air as we walked down the pathway. I didn’t know where Jisung’s dorm was, but it certainly wouldn’t be at my building. Was he walking actually wanting to walk me back? Either way, the silence wasn’t awkward. Jisung kept humming and nodding his head to the beat playing in his head, shoulders bobbing and making small movements. All I wanted to do was watch and smile. It made my stomach twist a knot, sending butterflies fluttering along while doing so. He would occasionally make eye contact and let out a cute giggle.

“Wait where even is your dorm?” I questioned. Jisung froze for a moment before quickly bringing his focus back on me to answer. “A few blocks down yours.” He simply said, bringing his index finger up to point in front. It was only now that I realised we were already at the entrance of my dorm building. “No wonder I’ve never seen you on campus before.” I muttered, nodding my head. Jisung adjusted the straps of his bag on his shoulders. “I’m not popular. Not like my friends. But at least my major mates know me.” I chuckle and blinked. “Of course they do. You’re talented.” I sighed and looked up to the sky, which was plainly a blank canvas with stars that could only be seen if you squint hard enough.

“I wish I had something to be proud of.” I whispered under my breath. Before Jisung could even say something back, I brought my eyes down from the sky and shook my head. His mouth was already opened and ready to speak, but he didn’t. “So I’ll see you tomorrow? Is there anything I should prepare myself for?” Jisung shrugged with a soft smile. “Nothing. We’ll just do the first thing that pops in my mind. I’m the type to be impromptu.” I hummed, saying goodnight to him one last time before going into the building, not looking back. Yet I felt his eyes glued to me, which only made me self conscious till I was completely out of sight.

One thing’s for sure, I already knew something that was different about us. I didn’t even meet him for long, but I could already tell Jisung was so laid back, relaxed, moving with his day like a breeze, no worries for the world whatsoever. He liked being impromptu, while I always had my days scheduled so meticulously. He seemed to be the complete opposite of me, yet he was still able to have order in his life. Curiosity spurred in me. I was having that urge to know him more, how he was able to live like that, how Jisung, was Jisung.

Funny enough, Jisung didn’t tell me about where to meet. Which was why I chose to seat the bench right outside my dorm building. I didn’t know how long I was waiting. I did follow his advice. I woke up quite late and stayed in bed watching Netflix shows. I took my time to get ready. And I actually went down a little over 2. I had my earphones plugged in, scrolling through Twitter since I had nothing else better to do on my phone. I didn’t have any games on it, or much of any form of entertainment. I never had time for those either.

Out of the blue, I heard something that resembled a buzz of some sort right beside my right ear. I instantly turned my head to it, leaning back and almost falling off the bench as I sent my bottom to the edge, shocked at seeing a drone flying right beside me. It wasn’t just an ordinary drone. It flew closer to me, and I squinted my eyes for closer inspection. There was a camera. It made me jump off the bench and taking steps back. And with each time, the drone flew closer to my face.

“Hey calm down!” I heard for a distance. My eyes adverted to the voice, seeing a small sized Jisung standing far from me. He tiptoed and waved his hand high, the other hand holding the controller of the drone. I could only laugh nervously as he ran up to me. “Good afternoon to you.” Jisung greeted cheerfully with a bright smile. I gulped and forced a casual smile, though I was still weirded out by the drone that was now circling in front of us. “You like me drone? My friend made it actually.” Jisung giggled.

I pursed my lips. “You chose to greet me with that?” I pointed my finger out with skepticism in my tone. “I’m sure you noticed the camera.” Jisung reached out for the drone, and held it in his hands. How can his hands hold something that big with so much ease? Or maybe the drone was small and his hand made it look big. “I was thinking we could record your day. If you were to actually have fun, you’ll have it on tape so you can watch back and remember the fun when you’re going through stressing times.” While Jisung was explaining, I couldn’t help but notice how brightly he was smiling. It was like the one he flashed at the library that night, but this time it was two folds of it, making the effect of butterflies in my stomach fluttering two fold as well.

“You really thought deep...” I whispered, leaning in to examine the drone while he moved it around for me to look at it from different angles. “It’s not so deep. I thought it only made sense for us to record a day like this. It’ll be fun, trust me.” I could only chuckle and stare down at my feet for a moment before looking back to meet his eyes and asking, “So, Peter Pan, where’s our first stop?” Jisung took out his phone and scrolled through it, I took a peek and realised he was on his notes. It had a list and it was labeled “TODO LIST FOR D-DAY” I giggled softly. “You’re making such a big deal out of today. I’m shocked.”

Jisung chuckled and ran a hand through his hair after placing the drone down on the floor. “Mm I like doing things like this. You know like, doing things out of the ordinary. This is certainly one of the time.” I furrowed my eyes at him while he had his on his phone. He probably felt my eyes searing into him, making him lift his eyes up and staring cluelessly. “So I’m out of the ordinary?” I questioned, tilting my head and feigned intimidation.

“What? No, no! I meant the fact that there’s someone who I need to plan a day out for. This kind of things don’t happen everyday.” Jisung leaned back and lifted up both his hands in defence, only making me laugh loudly and shaking my head. “Calm down. I was just teasing. I’m much for weird than I look.” Jisung raised both in eyebrows and jerked his head down to my phone. I blinked my eyes rapidly at his action. “I can already tell. Who has their timetable as their wallpaper?” Jisung faked a gag, which only made me frown as I glanced at my phone. “Nothing’s wrong with that!” I retorted, huffing and walking forward. I barely took a step before Jisung pulled me back.

“Peter Pan hasn’t even tell you the location, dummy.” He flicked my forehead with his finger, making me grimace. “Oh you dare to do that?!” I gaped my mouth open and scoffed in amusement, glancing sideways before retrieving my eyes back to Jisung. “I’m getting back at you!” I growled. “Till you do something that deserves the need to do it.” My voice grew softer with each word and my shoulders bobbed up while my expression turned into an embarrassed one. Jisung laughed out loud, he seemed to be enjoying himself, leaning back and holding his stomach from all the laughter he did for a full moment.

“Till I deserve it? Why are you so uptight?! Come. I’ll let you do it.” Jisung leaned forward, face meeting my level as he closed his eyes and a child-like smile played on his lips. I stared at him for a long moment. And when he didn’t feel any impact, he opened one eye in question. “Come on.” He urged, motioning his hand to his forehead. I chuckled at this, my hand being brought up like it had a mind of its own and flicked Jisung’s forehead with much force. He grimaced, but covered his pain with a sincere laugh the second after. “There aren’t any rules. Do what you want to me, okay? See, I can be your punching bag if you need me to.”

I gave Jisung a disinterested look. “Mm sure. Enough chatting just take me wherever already.” Jisung laughed at my impatience, sliding his phone into hus back pocket and getting himself ready to fly the drone. It flew up and almost went to my face. Luckily my quick reflexes allowed me to avoid it quickly, resulting in Jisung hissing and mumbling, “Sorry.” under his breath. He began to walk forward with me followed closely behind him as he played with the drone and letting it hover around as it recorded us from above.

We were walking quite a distance. I didn’t expect it to be this far. The sound the drone kept making was already imbedded into my memory. We were walking down a street I was completely unfamiliar with and the sun shining brightly above us wasn’t helping at all, only with occasional times when the clouds covered the sun for mere moments before it became blazing hot again. “Where are we even going?” I questioned, taking a look around my surroundings. Jisung finally let the drone come down from the air. He picked it up and motioned his hand with the drone to the building right in front of us. I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked up to the building.

“I thought about us enjoying the simple things in life. I didn’t want to take you to any fancy or high end places because well, I have no money for one. But it’s also because if you’re going to do this again, I’d want it to be something affordable. A place you can go to anywhere, anytime.” Jisung shrugged while he explained the reason of choosing this place which I still have yet to know its purpose since I saw no sign that gave me a single clue. “That’s deep.” I simply said. Jisung pursed his lips and nodded his head. “That was unintentionally deep.”

Jisung fiddled with the drone to turn it off and passed it to me for me to hold as he opened the door and gave me way. I downshifted my head and went inside. I looked around. It seemed to be a lobby. There was a small counter at the corner and in front was a deep hallway filled with doors left and right. What was this place? I felt Jisung’s presence behind me as he went to the counter. With a smile, the woman behind gave him a key. He went forward in front of me and tossed the key in the air for it to drop to the floor. I raised a brow at his action. I assumed he tried to expertly catch the keys again but failed to do so. I wanted to face but I kept my neutral expression. Jisung picked it up quickly and turned to flash a soft smile before proceeding to walk. I again followed behind.

While I walked down the hallway, I could hear different music coming from each door. Some rooms were silent while other were blasting music so loud yet muffled due to the door blocking out the music. There weren’t any windows on the door that I could peek into to see what was inside, which only made me more skeptical as I tried figuring out what this place was. Jisung abruptly stopped in front of one door, which was at the very end of the hallway. I almost bumped into him but stopped myself by placing a hand near his shoulder where I would’ve bump into.

Jisung slid the key into the keyhole and fiddled around for a moment for the key twisted and the door opened. Once again he made way for me to head in first. A gentleman, that was another thing about Jisung I took note of. I walked into a pit of darkness till I heard Jisung flip a switch and the lights turned on. I gaped my mouth open in awe and nodded my head slowly as I took unsure steps in. “Is this like...” I tried to form my sentence but I was mesmerised by the blank space of the wooden plank floor and the wall sized mirror that stretched from one end to the other entirely. “Your own dance studio?”

Jisung smiled softly and hummed, standing beside me while we both looked at ourselves in the mirror. “Wait. You aren’t actually telling me to...” I very slowly turned my head up to look at him, realising he already had his eyes on me before I even made eye contact. I brought my index finger up and swirled it around beside me to motion to the the dance studio. “Dance, right?” Jisung didn’t reply, only forming a sly smile for a split second before walking to the side while scrolling through his phone. Music began to play through the speakers from the top corners of the room. He placed his phone down and began moving his body to the beat while making his way back to me.

“That’s exactly what I’m doing.” Jisung smiled brightly and giggled, proceeding to close his eyes and continue grooving to the music being played. It was upbeat and relaxing, not like the ones played at clubs. It was chill and something anyone could move to. Except, I couldn’t. With arms folded and wrapped around my chest, I stared at him with a tilted head. Probably feeling my eyes on him, he fluttered his eyes open and looked at me with an innocent look. “Try dancing!” Jisung shouted, blinking his eyelids rapidly. I only narrowed my eyes in response. Jisung groaned and suddenly brought his hands out to hold my wrist, eventually holding my hands in his.

“You said we can do what I like. And I like dancing. It relieves my stress. I’m sure it’ll have the same effect on you if you actually try.” Jisung begged. He slowly brought my hands up, moving side to side, urging me to follow my lead. I was skeptical. This was never my thing. My body was as stiff as stone when I tried following Jisung. I didn’t know how he was simply so natural and fluid. He wasn’t trying hard at all, unlike me. “Hey.” Jisung suddenly whispered, leaning forward so his face was just mere inches away from mine. My breathing hitched in my throat. “You’re trying too hard. Loosen up. Feel the music.” Jisung’s advise was soothing, whispers that went in my ears and could stay in my mind for ages as he looked into my eyes and searched for the specks of uncertainty that he so desperately want to get rid of.

I closed my eyes and relaxed my shoulders. With Jisung’s large hands still with mine, Jisung slowly and naturally pulled me closer to him. I composed myself and tried to keep my cool as much as possible, putting my mind at peace and solely focusing on the music. Jisung hummed and tried to move me again. This time, I was slowly able to let my body loose, getting the beat of the song into my head and slowly bobbing my head to it. I couldn’t help but smile as I began to move however I want, being free. “You’re doing it!” Jisung shouted happily, letting go of my hands and allowing our bodies to dance.

I wasn’t looking at the mirror this whole time. But when I did, I grimaced in disgust, leaning back and sticking out my tongue. “Jeez I look so ugly dancing.” I sighed with a frown. Jisung laughed loudly and nodded. “Indeed. But that’s the whole point. No one’s here to judge you. I can be weird with you, if that’s what you want.” Jisung clasped his hands behind him and leaned forward again, flashing his cheeky smile. I scoffed. “Please, how can a great dancer like you dance weirdly? I mean look at you. Everything you do is flawless.” I huffed out, folding my arms.

Another song began to play. This time it was a slow one. Nothing sad or emotional, it felt like a song that was meant to bring yourself back down to earth. “I wasn’t even good last time. It took a lot of effort to get to where I am today.” Jisunv explained carefully, weary so that he wouldn’t sound like he was beinf boastful. Jisung suddenly looked up to the ceiling thoughtfully and after a moment he opened his mouth like a light bulb of thought above his head switched itself on.

Jisung immediately ran to the door, flicking the switch and turning the lights off. It was dark, but some light was still able to shine through from the cracks of the door, making me see Jisung’s figure, but not the details of his face only if I looked close enough. He went back to me and said, “There. With the lights closed, you can do whatever and I won’t see it clearly.” Jisung shrugged triumphantly. I chuckled and nodded my head in agreement.

After that, multiple songs continued to play. His playlist was probably on shuffle mode but they were all songs I could dance to. I could see Jisung and I moving in the mirror. Again, not obvious, but still seen. Out of nowhere, Jisung pulled me in by grabbed my wrist lightly. He pulled me hard till my chest bumped into his. “Sorry.” He whispered, chuckling awkwardly. Jisung was clumsy, yet cute i. his own way. Another feature of his I began to take note of. It took me awhile to realise how close we were. He could probably feel my breath on his skin at this moment.

I looked up from his chest, meeting his eyes. Suddenly, my surroundings blanked. The music drowned out into nothing and the darkness of the room got even darker. And at the same time, Jisung’s face began to be the only thing that was clear to me. I did notice how attractive he was. But this situation was only making it ten times harder for me to handle to emotions that suddenly spurred inside me. My heart was beating fast and my cheat began to clench tightly, giving me no air to breath in as I stood there breathless for a long moment. Jisung didn’t move either, his eyes wandering my face as if looking at every inch.

It was at this moment that got me to think that indeed, I was stress-free. I wasn’t thinking about the pile of books I had to read and analyse. I wasn’t thinking about what was due next week and what my schedule was. All I had my focus on was Jisung and I. The freedom and lightness I was feeling. It was something I never felt for so long. It’s as if I barely knew such a feeling existed. And all it took was doing something that I wasn’t even good at. Doing it with Jisung. It would be too early to say this, but he could very well be the first person that made me feel this way in my whole college life.

“That wasn’t so bad, right?” Jisung beamed at me as we made our way back to the counter to return the keys. I breathed out a light chuckle and sighed in satisfaction. “Mhm. It was actually... very fun.” I puckered my lips. Jisung went to the counter and leaned forward after placing the key down for the woman to take. He whispered something to her and she nodded her head. She went to the back and Jisung turned around to meet my eyes. “Got a little present for you.” The woman came back with the same key, or perhaps a replica of it. Jisung downshifted his head in thanks and handed me the key. I took it wearily.

I glanced down at it and trailed my eyes back to Jisung. “Why would you give me the key?” I questioned. Jisung took a step in and had his eyes on the key in my hand. He brought his hand up and closed the key in my palm. “I’m giving you access to my most private space ever. That’s because I want you to feel the same way I do whenever I’m in there. Carefree. Effortless. You can go in whenever you want, whenever you need. I don’t have to be there with you all the time. You don’t even have to dance. Just let the atmosphere of the studio calm you. Basically, do whatever. I just want you to be free.”

With each word his voice got heavier with meaning and sincerity imbued, and my heart grew lighter with each breath.

Days go by, and though I didn’t meet Jisung again, he’d occasionally call me late at night to check up on me. And every time I said I was doing work, he’d let out an exaggerated groan and force me to sleep. He sounded like those mothers that keep nagging at you. And with his talkative nature, Jisung and I could go rambling for hours on the phone till one of us sleeps. It’ll mostly be me since I could already drif off to dream land the moment my body hits the bed.

Today, I was feeling trapped in my dorm room. Something in me was feeling the urge for an escape as the walls caved in with every hour passing by. My brain was beginning to slow its gears and I wasn’t able to boost my motivation back up. I glanced to my phone where it showed the time blaring onto my face. “It’s only a ten minute walk.” With a shrug, I dumped everything I wanted to get done by tonight and headed out the door, not giving a single care to look neat and going out in my sweater and sweatpants.

I went into the building, it was dark with only the moonlight from outshine shining in through the glass entrance. I made my way to the dance studio, key in my hand that I already shoved into the pockets of my sweater on my way here due to the cold of the night. I unlocked the door and entered. I didn’t bother turning on the lights. Instead I switched on the small lamplight that Jisung told me he placed there in case I needed it. I silently thank Jisung in my mind as I began to unpack my things.

I took one look around the studio. It was spacious, the plank floors leaving the space wide open just for me. Though I came here to do work, my mind was slowly trailing off to Jisung. His figure slowly appeared, picturing him in my mind as I let his shadows dance in the dark. It was his dance that caught my eye and it was his personality that was making me crave to know him more. I was mesmerised, enchanted by every move he made. Every word he spoke, every clumsy gesture. It was all those things clumped into one that was sucking me in.

I startled out of my thoughts with a quick shake of my head and got to work. Quite a long time had passed by. Jisung was right. The atmosphere of the studio, silent, peaceful, nothing to disturb my serenity. For some reason, I didn’t think twice when I grabbed my phone to call Jisung at this timing. Before I could even press on his contact number, my eyes flickered to the time. 2:30AM. For one moment I thought he’d be asleep. But with remembering about his call service, I knew he’d still be up. My hopes filled me up with I called and placed the phone on speaker phone, placing my phone back down beside me while I continued to write.

Jisung picked up in a matter of seconds. “Hey! How are you?” I smiled softly. No matter the time and place, he never failed to sound cheerful and bursting with energy. It felt as if he was being like that just for me. “Nothing. Just work.” Should not have said that. “What?! It’s two in the damn morning? How are you even- no more studying. Makes me puke every time I hear that.” Jisung feigned a gag and I laughed loudly in response to his disgusted reaction. “I’m almost done, alright? I’m actually at the music room. It’s quite nice being here.” Jisung hummed and I leaned back, placing my hands behind me. “Oh you’re there? Want me to join you?” Jisung’s voice suddenly grew excited. The sudden burst of energy shocked me. How was he able to be so energetic in the dead morning?

“You don’t have to! I was just about to go anyways.” I squinted my eyes and formed a quizzical look on my face. Why did I even say that? I wasn’t even about to leave. “I don’t have classes tomorrow so I can stay up. I know you don’t have any either.” I raised an eyebrow, my eyes going to the screen as I saw Jisung’s name still flashing at me. “What are you even suggesting?” I questioned with a confused tone. Jisung smacked his lips. “Mm to have a night out with you? We didn’t go out for so long.” Jisung cried out. I gaped my mouth open ever so slightly and tilted my head a few degrees at his suggestion.

I leaned forward to my phone, my voice lowering itself to a whisper. “You... actually want that?” I blinked my eyes rapidly, waiting for his answer. Jisung breathed in once and said, “I just said that, didn’t I?” I frowned. “But I want you to rest and-”

“Already out the door!” Jisung ended the call. I sighed. But a smile cracked on my lips at the thought of him coming here.

“What is all this mess?” Jisung complained in disgust. Face scrunched up and nose crinkled at the sight of my books and papers while he helped me to slide it back into my tote bag. He grabbed a stack and placed it on his thigh. Flipping through. I could only see cluelessness in his eyes. “Jeez. This is so not to my liking. Or understanding.” Jisung shrugged and shoved it into the bag, making it the last stack.

Jisung stood up and carried it on his shoulder, instantly crying out as he leaned over to the side where he hung the bag, the weight of it pulling him down. “How do you carry these all day?!” Jisung shouted with utmost shock. I simply shrugged and made my way for the door. “You’d be surprised at how much my shoulder hurts every week.” I said nonchalantly due to the fact it was truly something I’ve gotten used to. I glanced over my shoulder, seeing Jisung bringing himself back up and trying to get used to the weight while walking to me. I opened the door and with a kind smile, moved my body aside to give way for him to exit, which he gladly thanked for with a whisper.

“Anyways, there’s a twenty four hour ice cream shop that just opened nearby. Are you in for a treat?” Jisung questioned, looking down at me. I turned my gaze from the floor and to him, glancing sideways for a quick thought before nodding. “Sure.” I simply replied. I could only follow Jisung, once again not knowing where he wanted to take me. I was familiar with the neighbourhood around campus of course. But I’ve been staying at the campus for so long that I never got the chance to find out what was new about it. Such as a new ice cream shop I never knew existed till now.

The walk there was comfortable silence. I took this time to look at Jisung’s outfit. He was wearing his signature black adidas jacket, track pants and a black cap. It felt like it was something unique only to him. A person I could identify instantly with what he wears. I like Jisung in it. It was a lazy look but he somehow managed to pull it off, naturally good looking. My focus trailed down to what I was wearing, and I couldn’t help but think about just how bad I looked at this time of the night.

Jisung once again abruptly stopped. I was able to dodge him this time and stand beside him. He looked inside the shop while I had my eyes on the sign that said they were open. “They actually do open twenty four seven.” I muttered, instantly realising that Jisung had already entered the shop when I heard the sound of the bells above the door ringing, the door swinging open. I quickly caught up to the door, making it just in time before it closed fully and entered.

I stood beside Jisung, the two of us scanning through the menu above the counter. “Is this your first time here?” I asked. Jisung bobbed his shoulders. “It is. You?” I shook my head. “I didn’t have time to be going out and trying out food that the neighbourhood has to offer. I stick to the food on campus most of the time.” Jisung scoffed softly and turned to me. “Which is practically convenience store food. How boring of you.” My jaw dropped and I breathed out an unbelievable chuckle, punching his shoulder gently. “And how rude of you to say that.” I feigned exasperation and looked up to the menu again after the two of us laughed softly.

I was the first to walk up to the counter, Jisung quickly following behind as I felt his presence being awfully close to my back. “Can I get three scoops of chocolate chip cookie?” The woman at the cashier nodded and turned her attention from me to Jisung. “You?” She questioned. I turned my head to him as well. Jisung squinted his eyes while he looked up to the menu again. He stuttered for a moment before responding. “I’ll just get two scoops of strawberry swirl.” The woman cracked a small smile, almost invisible as she keyed in our order. She told the price and looked at the two of us, waiting for the cash. When Jisung didn’t respond, I quickly took out my wallet. I glanced at hi for a brief moment, noticing that he was looking at me and didn’t hear the cashier. But before I could even slide out my dollar note, Jisung slammed my hand down lightly and took out his money in one swift motion.

“Thanks.” I softly whispered as the two of us walked to the side t wait for our ice cream. I folded my arms and placed my weight on one leg. Jisung sighed loudly, assumingly to break the silence between us. “Three scoops? That’s a lot.” Jisung mentioned. I frowned and waved a lazy hand at him. “Calm down I’ll pay for the three scoops. I’m just craving for it.” I breathed out, now feeling slightly bad that I spent a lot of Jisung’s money since the price was quite expensive. Jisung looked down on me, quirking up a questioning brow. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just saying it’s a lot. You don’t need to pay me.” Jisung quickly retorted with assurance imbued into his tone.

My mouth formed an ‘O’ at the realisation and slowly nodded my head. “We can’t be eating here, right? So where are we going to go?” Jisung ruffled his hair, adjusting the strands that laid naturally and nicely down his forehead. I was still able to see his eyes despite having it covered by the layer of hair. “Our spot.” I blinked my eyes rapidly. “Our spot?” I echoed back, completely clueless. 

Jisung flashed me a disappointed expression along with a sigh. “The studio. That, or we can just eat at the park nearby. Oh and don’t expect me to protect you if we get kidnapped. I won’t be strong enough to protect you.” I laughed at the joke, Jisung chuckling along with me. “You dance with such energy and you’re telling me you can’t beat a kidnapper?” I scoffed loudly in amusement. “You’re quite something.” I added on. Jisung looked down, somewhat in a shy manner and smiled before lifting his head back up. “I really am.” 

-Just how much was I missing out on

We walked out, ice cream in hand. Jisung seemed to be texting someone with his free hand while I simply looked down on my ice cream and be the first to dig in. The bite felt like a trip down memory lane. How was it that I didn’t enjoy simple things like ice cream during college? Don’t get me wrong I do still eat ice cream, but I never experienced one that tasted authentic, way better than the ones sold in convenience stores. “You seem to be enjoying it.” Jisung suddenly let out, making me head shot up to him and then to my ice cream, which I already noticed that I took more than just one bite already. 

Jisung slid his phone into his track pants and got to eating. His jaw dropped and his mouth hung open so wide that it could reach the floor. With the ice cream nestled on the surface of his tongue, he gasped loudly and looked to me instantly. “This is so good!” Jisung squealed with much happiness and excitement, taking another bite instantly and moaning in satisfaction. The two fo us ate in silence as we walked, allowing ourselves to sink into the ice cream’s captivating flavours like a bath. 

We entered the park. It was dimly lit, with only the lamps that lined the pathways and lighting the place with an orange hue. Jisung took quick steps forward to sit on the nearest bench. I sat down beside him, a small smile forming on my lips. All that we could see were the lights and trees that had its leaves and branches swaying in the gentle breeze. Jisung had his full attention on his ice cream, ow seeming to be taking small bites to preserve the ice cream and take a longer time to finish it. 

“One question. How long have you not come to this park? Or have you never?” Jisung’s question got my mind blank. I thought about it for quite some time, till Jisung had to hum to see if he even got my attention. “The only time I’ve been here was two years ago. For helping out at an event as a job.” Jisung moved his lips to one side. “Question two. Was majoring in law what you wanted to do?” I already knew this conversation was about to get deep. And at that moment, if I’m being really honest, I’m glad Jisung’s the one I’m having this conversation with.

“Yeah. At first I thought lawyers looked cool in those Korean dramas. My only goal at that time was to do any major that I seemed to be interested in and one that could get me rich. Those were my only two requirements that satisfied me. I was always hardworking but I never knew my work could get this overloaded. I wasn’t ready for it.” I took in a deep breath to compose myself, realising how real I was getting about myself. “I only started having breakdowns at the end of last year. Never bothered to take a break due to constant anxiety on how much I could miss out on. All because I want that simple goal of doing well in college for a job that’ll give me good pay. I didn’t even think about what I’d do with the money. I never bothered to expand my goal beyond that. And I think that makes me very low, and shallow minded.” 

I slowly tited my head up, wanting the cool air to cool my face. The sky was nothing but plain ink black darkness with only the small moon shining it’s moonlight on us. I closed my eyes, not really caring if Jisung responded to anything I just said. Letting it out for him to hear was all I wanted, all that I need. I kept my breathing steady and collected, the simple calmness of the quiet surrounding putting my mind at ease. “But have you ever thought that you don’t need to keep up with whatever’s around you?” Jisung whispered. I fluttered my eyelids open and brought my eyes down to meet his. We locked eyes, and Jisung reached out in front of me to grab my now empty cup, making my breath hitched in my throat. He always made me stop breathing whenever he got close. What was he, death?

“What do you mean?” Jisung puckered his lips, seeming to be deep in thought before replying. “I get that you want to do well. But you don’t always have to go at the speed this world’s at. It’s not always in the hustle.” Jisung whispered carefully. His eyes never met mine. And with each word and every one that was going to come after, could drive it’s words deep into my heart and soul, like he was seeing right through me. “Look around you. This place, the studio. You would’ve never discovered them if you were so focused. Slow down to see the prettier things in life. Isn’t that what they always say?” HIs words were definitely meant to bring an impact. And it did. My heart sank, not in a bad way. But simply because the realisation and reality was weighting my heart down. 

“Technically, you introduced me to the studio and park.” Jisung brought his hand out, as if putting his words on it and placing it in front of me. “Exactly. You wouldn’t even get to know me if you never took time to look at your surroundings and finding my note.” I licked my bottom lip that was extremely dry. My eyes absentmindedly went down to his lips, that still looked unbelievably smooth despite the dryness of the air. “I told you, didn’t I? I can be here for you. Whatever you need. So don’t always think college is everything. I mean, look at me.” I chuckled. 

But Jisung was right. I did took time to look at him as a person. He was doing something that wasn’t just interest, but what he loved and had passion for. He’s able to do well and not have to stress over things too much and too often. Jisung was able to carry himself how he wants to and be satisfied with life when I would be satisfied with mine long years down the road. He was the physical representation of ukiyo. The floating world that didn’t bother about the worries of life, and living it his own way, no matter what could appen to him. He was a ukiyo standalone. 

“Slow down to see the prettier things the life.”

Jisung might just be that prettier thing.

Jisung and I got close, real quick. It wasn’t a surprise. I already knew I’d want to meet him more often, wanting him to be my escape from the whirlpool of life. He was always a breath of fresh air, a sight for sore eyes. He never failed to make the time I spent with him meaningful to the last second. I quickly grew to realise that I needed to meet him on a regular basis. I needed to take my mind off work, and he was the only one who could do it for me.

I was just finishing lecture, carrying the heavy pounds of books in my hand with much struggle. I was trying to juggle my book on my forearm while the other tried to find for my phone in my pocket to text Jisung, saying I wanted him to come over to accompany me. With a quiet grunt I tried to type with one hand, which to me was an extreme struggle. Just when I decided to stop walking to get myself gathered together, I looked up from my phone, suddenly seeing a group of guys walking just past me.

Murmurs and whispers from different angles could be heard from far away, I raised my brow, watching their backs. One that caught my eye was the adidas jacket. I knew instantly from his figure and bright orange natural looking hair that it was Jisung. I instantly ran up to him, shoving my phone into my bag to just I could have a free hand to tap on his shoulder. “Jisung!” I screamed happily, after giving him a tap I placed a firm grip on his shoulder to stop him. The other guys surrounding him turned around, noticing how Jisung abruptly stopped.

“Who’s she?” One of them asked, his voice sounding arrogant and cocky from the get-go. Jisung gulped and looked left and right, glancing over his shoulder. He suddenly seemed anxious. Jisung blinked his eyes rapidly, sucking in his lips while he rubbed a nervous hand at the back of his neck. “I-I don’t know.” Jisung quickly replied. He stared at me for a moment, eyes cold and would probably feel like ice if I were to maintain it any longer. Jisung shoved away the hand I had on his shoulder roughly, only making me scoff loudly. “What the heck? Jisung you good?” I was about to reach my hand to punch him lightly on the shoulder, thinking that the way he’s acting was just a joke, but with him having quick reflexes, he got a firm grip on my wrist in a matter of seconds.

“Look. I don’t know you. Why are you treating me like you’re my friend?” Jisung’s words were meant to slice. And it worked. I was in disbelief, the large wave crashing over me and wiping me out and the words rolled hard on his tongue. Jisung slammed my wrist down, my whole arm swinging backward slightly from the strong impact before it fell down my side. I looked to my hand and trailed my gaze back to Jisung. I stiffened, trying not to shiver under his gaze. What was going on with him? Another friend of his placed a hand on his shoulder and jerked his head forward. Jisung pushed me off with his cold gaze one more time and turned around sharply to walk away. I gaped, eyes widened as the other looked to each with unsure faces and disappeared along with Jisung.

I stumbled a few steps back from Jisung’s impact. The impact in his words, actions. Why was he like that? He said he didn’t know me. I took a moment to head over to a nearby bench to place my books down and have a break, but it was mostly to think over about why Jisung suddenly acted different. He never seemed like that before. He looked... cold and unapproachable. That look in his eyes when he made eye contact with me, it felt as if he never knew me at all. What was with that sudden shield?

Later that day, I tried to text Jisung. Give him a call, sending multiple texts. He wasn’t responding to any of it. He used to always be free 24/7. Why was he suddenly not online, especially after what had just happened. I wanted to know why. This was the first time he ever acted like that towards me. And it was too odd. We would never meet too often. But without him texting me at least once a day, you could say I was falling apart again when he began to not get into contact with me for a whole week after the incident.

I tried to find him again. Seeing him on campus whenever, I tried to approach him. This time I walked up to him quickly and had a firm grip on his wrist. “Jisung? What’s wrong with you the other day? You acted as if you didn’t even know me.” I said with a nervous chuckle, wanting to seem like it didn’t bother but failed tremendously. Jisung looked at me blankly, expressionless. Like nothing went through his mind with that I said. Or even looking at me. Jisung bit his lower lip, glancing sideways as if he didn’t want to give a single care about my presence.

He slid my grip off his wrist. “I shouldn’t be talking to you.” Jisung said in a monotonous manner. He glanced to his left and right quickly, eyes meeting mine for a brief moment. And in that small second of eye contact, I felt something. His eyes looked sad, like he was feeling sorry. But that look disappeared as quickly as it appeared, and Jisung was out of sight once again.

I was in bed, eyes up to the plain white ceiling that gave me the free will to think about anything. Anything and everything, but it all lead to Jisung. I simply couldn’t shake it off. The way Jisung looked at me. I felt the impact of his push so vividly. I kept replaying the scene in my mind. It was just so not Jisung. It was so off from what he’s like. It seemed like it wasn’t Jisung at all. I turned to my side, phone right beside my face. I picked it up, instantly going to my contacts and clicking on Jisung’s name.

“What’s going on with you...” I said in a soft whisper, my mind trailing off yet again as I stared at Jisung’s name on my screen, so bright and so big. Yet it suddenly felt distant. Jisung, felt distant. A long while had past, and I still contemplated on whether to give him a call. I gave up doing so a few days back. Why did I still have hope? He didn’t seem to want anything to do with me. And I knew it wasn’t because he’s busy. He didn’t want to contact me. He’s ignoring me.

I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath, slow and steady to calm my mind. I was beginning to jump to conclusions. And I really would never want to have that perception of Jisung. Never once thought of him that way, and never will. I would never. I groaned out loud, turning off my phone and placing it back down beside me harshly with the screen faced down. I curled myself up into a ball. It had only been a week. And I was already missing him. His voice, his clumsiness, his cuteness. The sudden change of his attitude, to the whole ignoring and growing distant thing. It was too much. Again I was falling, cracking at places where it got pieced together when I was with Jisung.

Unable to sit still, I got up and walked to my study table, slamming my body down and beginning to do work. I furiously began writing, doing whatever I can to suppress myself. I was growing mad, and if I had to let out my anger, I’d be doing it in the productive way. However, I was only able to keep that adrenaline up for a few minutes till I got to frustrated that I threw my pen on the wall in front of my and balled fists into my hair, screaming till my voice disappeared. I shut up eyes close, allowing the tears that had been welling up this whole time to finally fall, sending myself into a breakdown.

I cried and shouted with all my heart. I couldn’t beat it. I couldn’t do anything without Jisung. I didn’t know what to feel. Anger, rational, disappointment. Perhaps it was all those balled into one emotion I didn’t know the name of. I shook my head vigorously, running a hand through my hair and slamming both hands down on the table, wanting to swallow down my flood of emotions. I can’t be going through this. I had work to do. Jisung’s a waste of my time, and my energy. My feelings for him will not stop me from moving forward. I knew I shouldn’t have met him. He led me to this, to suffering even more on top of my large pile of other stresses I had to handle. He was once my ukiyo, but how he’s far from being one.

“I can’t fucking keep doing this!” Jisung screamed, pacing back and forth in his dorm. Luckily Renjun wasn’t here to hear his rant. He’d been stressed out about it for weeks. It’s almost been a few months. He couldn’t keep this up. He was this close to showing his anger if his friends were to ever hung out with him again. Jisung had one arm wrapped around his torso while the other rested and had his thumb grazing over his bottom lip. He was missing her. He wanted to see her. But he couldn’t. Not when his friends are around 24/7.

At the party later that night, Jisung had no mood for any of it. Not the drinking, not the games. He was at this stupid party just because his friends dragged him. Although he never said no to the offer. Jisung simply went with it to satisfy his friends. He was sick of the people around him reeking of alcohol, people bumping into him every which way, the loud music that could possibly bloa his eardrums. Just how many of these parties had he been to already? And he still couldn’t get used to this.

Jisung was standing by the drinks area, watching his friends on the couch and getting wasted. They’re finding their own way home somehow. Jisung knew they were capable, so there wasn’t any reason why he had to take care of them. He seemed to be so fixated on one spot that he didn’t even realise Jeno was standing beside him after he let out a, “You seem to be having fun.” Jisung came zinging back to reality. “Yeah.”

“I know you aren’t.” Jeno gulped down the red cup and placed it down on the table behind them. He leaned back casually, eyeing Jisung which intimidated Jisung just a little bit. “What’s been going on with you?” Jeno leaned his head forward and closer to Jisung, making sure his words could be heard over the loud music. “Nothing.” Jeno scoffed. “It can’t be nothing.”

Jisung turned his head to face Jeno, flashing him a look that read, “I really don’t care.” Jeno smacked his lips and folded his arms. “I’m the closest one to you. Even though they all treat you like you’re our own baby, I’m the one that knows you best. So spill. There’s no hiding from me.” Jisung groaned out loudly and grabbed Jeno’s wrist, pulling him to a room closed and isolated from this mess Jisung simply hated.

Jisung went in and slammed himself onto the bed, sitting on the edge while Jeno raised both his eyebrows in shock at the little man’a temper, closing the door behind him slowly as the music finally got drowned out. “So?” Jeno began, leaning against the door and placing one leg over the other. Jisung threaded his fingers through his hair, keeping his hand at the back of his head as he tilted upwards to find a way to say his feelings, as if the words were out there for him on the ceiling.

“I have this girl I like. We’ve been hanging out for a long while. But we stopped because one day I decided to be a prick and push her off when she saw me with the rest of us.” Jeno opened his mouth and clapped his hand once. “It’s that girl isn’t it?!” Jeno pointed at Jisung with surprise. Jisung wasn’t exactly sure if Jeno and Jisung were thinking of the same girl, but either way Jisung simply nodded.

“I don’t know why I did it in the first place. I guess I was embarrassed of you guys knowing her and you’ll keep bugging me about it all the time if you knew.” Jisung groaned out, the frustration expertly imbued into his tone though it took no effort to do so. Jeno narrowed his eyes on Jisung, a look that made him know that a long lecture was about to come for him. And he couldn’t escape.

As Jeno pushed his back off the door and walked forward, he said, “So what? You didn’t want us knowing you have a girl you like because you think we’ll invade your privacy? If you want to know, most of us guessed it already. You kept going out at such late hours almost all the time. Did you think Renjun wouldn’t have noticed?” Jeno tilted his head, making sure it was extremely obvious. “That’s why we were shocked when you did that to her.” Jeno added on. Jeno squinted his eyes and blinked them rapidly. “Then why don’t you just explain it to her?”

Jisung frowned, head slowly tilting down to cover his face. “Because I felt bad for doing it and thought she’d be mad at me and wouldn’t want to talk to me again.” Jisung sighed loudly for three days. “I didn’t-” Jisung inhaled deeply. “I didn’t want to face her because I didn’t want to feel the pain of having her get mad at me.” Jeno chuckled, the kind that was in disbelief. “Jisung! You don’t even know if she felt that way!” Jeno slammed a palm to his forehead. “Yes she’d be mad but you should be making the first move to apologise to her! She’s probably crying in bed wondering why you suddenly cut off all ties with her, you dummy!”

While Jeno was giving him an earful, Jisung fiddled with this thumbs, scarping at the hang nails and growing deep in thought. Jeno was right. Why didn’t he do anything to solve it? He simply backed off because he was too afraid to face her after what happened. He was caring for his own feelings more than hers. And now she’s definitely in a way worsr position than he was. “Fuck I’m dumb.” Jeno hummed in agreement, only making Jisung shoot a glare at him while letting out a ‘tsk’.

“Might be too late but talk to her. Right now she needs an explanation. No matter how long ago it was.” Jeno had his voice firm and advisory.

Jisung made his way to her dorm. He had a sinking, anxious feeling in his chest while he walked down the hallway and inched closer to her door.

I was at my table, still studying the life out of me. I knew I’d be walking out of this dorm brain drained and walking like a living corpse when I go for my lecture tomorrow. Just when I wanted to rest my head down, there was a knock on the door. I thought I misheard, but after a long moment the knocking came again. I quickly walked up to the door, swinging it open. Everything paused. My motion, my eyes. It was glued to the person in front of me, which was Jisung.

“Can I come-” “I have work to do.”

I tried to close the door, but Jisung stopped it with his foot. “Please. I owe you an explanation.” Jisung said, voice filled with softness and sincerity. I couldn’t bear to resist. I knew I never could if he came. I sucked in my lips, sighed quietly and opening the door. I walked in, sitting at my study table and turning my chair around. I watched Jisung close the door behind hIm, making his way to the bed, each step seemed to be weary and careful, watching out for himself with every move to make sure he didn’t do anything wrong.

Jisung and I locked eyes for a long time, silence circulating the air. I cocked my brow up in curiosity as to why he wasn’t saying anything. Jisung quickly noticed my change of expression and shook his head as if bringing himself back from a moment of deep thinking. “I’m sorry. For that day. I know I was rude. First I did that, then I completely ignored you.” Jisung bit his lower lip, now avoiding eye contact like he was too embarrassed to meet my eyes. “I did it because I was scared of what my friends thought of me having someone.” My quizzical expression became more prominent.

I sat there, not sure of what to think. Like I said, I never wanted to think badly of Jisung. But after hearing that, it seemed that my underlined feeling of anger became to surface itself after being forced to suppress itself for far too long. “So you did that to me then you ignored me. On top of that completely removing me out of your life like I was invisible. Then you didn’t bother to try and fix this sooner. All this because of what you’re friends would think of me? Of us?” I pointed to myself, my voice growing scarily louder with each sentence.

I smacked my lips and nodded. I didn’t need his verbal reply to know the answers to that. And it disappointed me. “I never thought I’d say this. But that was shallow. Very shallow of you.” I ran a hand through my hair. “Did you know how much I was going through when I couldn’t contact you? All those times I texted and called, you didn’t reply to any of them. And why? For your pride? While I was here balling my eyes out every night unable to do my work.”

I allowed a moment of silence to pass, though I could’ve continued without having to catch my breath. “You used to be my escape. Someone I came to when I needed to destress, be free. But now... you’re just the person that’s stopping me from my goal. Getting work done, it could be stressing yes. But if I’m unable to do work just because of my feeling for someone as low as you...” I shut my eyes closed, wanting to hold back my tears. My opened my eyes and forced them to blare at Jisung with firmness. “I don’t see why you should be in my life anymore.”

I stood up, taking slowly strides to the door. I held the doorknob, turning it and opening the door. I brought my free hand out, motioning to Jisung. “Don’t come back. I can’t bear to see you anymore without having these confusing feelings. It’s something I shouldn’t be spending my time worrying about.” I said sternly. I watched Jisung. He seemed far from stable. He seemed to be cracking at the seams, he was at the edge of tears. He didn’t bother to hide them, the tears seeming to be clouding his vision as it welled up in his eyes. He had his eyes glued to the floor the whole time. A long moment went by till he finally stood up and walked to the door.

Before Jisung left, he stood right in front of me. His eyes met mine, shivering with guilt and instant despair. It broke my heart to see him like this. But in situations like these, I had to choose. Either lose Jisung, or lose myself. “I’m sorry.” He muttered, almost inaudible. He blinked his eyes once and the tears streamed down his cheeks. I reached my hand out, slowly and shakil to place them on his shoulder. He looked down on it, simply letting it slide off when he went. He walked away, and I bit my bottom lip. That was the last moment I saw him.

Closing the door, I let my back lean against the door and slide down till I reached the floor. I thought I wouldn’t feel a single sense of sadness or regret. But at that moment, when I couldn’t even handle seeing Jisung’s back disappear as he walked down the hallway, the shell I had carefully built around my heart shattered, and no number of words of reassurance repeated to myself will piece it back together. I shook my head. If I kept my expectations low, I would stop feeling the throbbing. If I cut off all my emotions, I wouldn’t be so weak. And that was what I was determined to do.

Jisung felt every single word struck deep and low, like a bell toll that shook inside him. As the her hand fell off his shoulder, so,too, did the warmth. He began to shiver. Only cold and pain remained, sharp enough to numb everything else. All his adrenaline, gone, and with it, his sense of feeling. All his life, gone. The ground caved in, and he hit bottom.

Jisung walked away with a heavy heart. Everything he did for her. From the moment she unintentionally made that call to the last time they met, Jisung had it flashed in his mind like a movie tape. She was al the more right to be like this to him. He knew all too wel of the consequences. He had to bear this pain. It was the only right thing to do. He didn’t know how he’ll get over it. But even if he eventually does. he’ll never forget her. Not for a single second. Even if she would be shoved to the back of his mind, he’d dug up for it again. She meant so much to him. And how Jisung will be seeing her no longer.

“Jaehyun stop I swear!” I giggled loudly as Jaehyun continued to tickle my sides. He carried me away from the cashier with his arms around my waist. I laughed out loudly and beg him constantly to put me down. He finally did when I gave him a hard smack in the arm and made him wince.

“You’re laugh is cute.” Jaehyun said with a light chuckle. I rolled my eyes and folded my arms. “Yeah well you don’t have to keep tickling me for you to hear it.” I feigned exasperation, leaning forward against the counter to place my chin on the palm of my hand. “Really? Good to know but I’d still prefer to tickle you.” I shot Jaehyun a death glare and all he did was threw back a playful wink to which I responded with a ‘tsk’.

Jaehyun got close to ruffle my hair. And when he had his hand on my head, the bell above the door opened, signalling that someone entered. I swatted off Jaehyun’s hand, him laughing lowly at my defensive act as I pat down my apron. “Welcome to-” My voice stopped in its tracks. I was frozen. The moment I looked up, I instantly knew the person in front of me.

“Park Jisung.” I whispered, voice growing soft. I gulped, wanting to swallow away any feeling that might surface before I even continued. Our eyes locked. And Jisung... he was suddenly bringing in the sense of comfort through his gaze. I didn’t know how he did it. We’ve never met for almost two years. Yet here he was, suddenly showing up in front of my face, with not a single thing of him changed and giving me the exact same feeling I had back then.

“I’d like to talk. Over some black coffee?” Jisung offered, slowly pointing up to the menu, his eyes never leaving mine. I blinked my eyes rapidly and took this time to glance at Jaehyun, who seemed to he confused yet didn’t want to question or interrupt whatever was happening in front of me. “Why? You have no reason to.” I said simply with a nonchalant shrug. That was clearly a fake move.

“Just a chat. We used to be friends, didn’t we?” Jisung questioned back, pushing his shoulders back and allowing his chest to puff up ever so slightly with confidence. I didn’t know where he was going at, why he was here in the first place. Either way, I didn’t give him a reply, simply turning around to start making the coffee with Jaehyun giving me space.

I went to the table where Jisung was seated, placing the two cups of black coffee on the table. I took a seat at the opposite side. Tight silence circulated us. It made me want to choke due to how awkward it was. I was running my finger around the rim of the cup slowly. “Have you been well?” Jisung asked. “I’m doing great. Got into university and I’m working here part time.” I breathed out. “You?” I asked back. I was genuinely curious.

As much as I was able to get over Jisung, his unknown well being got me to he on edge whenever I thought of him. That could be said with my buried feelings for him as well. “Got admitted into an art school. I’m apparently capable enough to start my own dance crew.” Jisung breathed out a light chuckle and took a sip of coffee. “Look. What I’m here for is...”

Jisung closed his eyes for a moment before opening them back and have it darted to meet mine. “What I’m here for is that I want to start over.” I gave him an expressionless look, mainly because I didn’t know what emotion to show. It was all spiralled into something unrecognisable. A mix of lots of emotions. I had no reply for Jisung, which only gave him a signal to keep talking.

“Every day I’ve carried the burden of missing you. And each day it grew heavier and heavier. I knew it was the weight of my actions, their consequences. And I miss you too much. You meant so much to me, and you still do. I was trying to not break our friendship but I only made it worse. Trust me I regretted it everyday after that.” Jisung’s eyes softened and I grew weak under his gaze. It was gentle and light, it made me fall in a matter of seconds if I didn’t care to put in energy to have a guard up.

“And on top of that, it wasn’t just our friendship I missed. I missed it all. You. I didn’t get to say this, but I’ve liked you. And I always have. It was a feeling beyond the mutual one. It was something more and I came here afraid of how you’d think. I came anyway. Because I’d do anything to get to start over with you again.” I swallowed. It took me time to allow his words to sink in. I wasn’t able to form a reply right off the bat.

I did have feelings for Jisung as well. Though it wasn’t prominent at the start, it began to grew the more time we spent together, which was why it made the situation two years ago far more painful than it really was. Apparently Jisung felt that way as well.

“If I allow it, will you be my ukiyo again?” I whispered, looking down to my cup that I have yet to drink a singe drop of coffee from. Jisung leaned in closer and, his face now inches away from mine. My breath hitched in my throat. He still had this affect on me. The ability to have me frozen and stiff with his gaze and actions. It was something only he knew how to do, the only one who could do this to me. 

“Your ukiyo, your Peter Pan. Please...” Jisung leaned forward to rest his chin on top of my head, tilting his head down slowly to place a soft, loving kiss on the crown of my head. One that made me feel as if he was touching something so precious and fragile, the most important thing in the world. “Take me back.” I closed my eyes and took in one deep breath. 

It was late into the night. The stars above shined brightly over the blank dark canvas. I couldn’t keep my head down from it, simply straining my neck by looking upwards to the sky as I thought over about what to say to Mark. A lot of things went through my mind while I made my way to his band room. The good, the bad. I sent myself on an emotional roller coaster ride. I’ve waited long enough, I kept telling myself. I’ve been holding out for far too long. I’ve been building it all up for this day.

I went into the building, now dimly lit with an orange hue from the one lamp at the front desk. I made my way to the fifth floor, absentmindedly taking the stairs so that I could drag out time for just a little while longer. I took wary steps, perhaps my legs started wobbling as I inched closer to the room down the hallway. I stood in front of the door, knowing Mark was on the other side. Though I was sure of doing this, I began to wonder if it was the right thing. If I should simply brush it off. Did I care about my feelings more... or Mark’s?

“I need to do what I have to do.” I muttered under my breath as I grabbed the door handle, cold to the touch and pushing it down to open the door. It creaked loudly, just like how it always had every time I came here. I looked around, spotting Mark in the corner with his guitar. I guess he chose to play the acoustic one today, his head tilted down to the point where only the top part of his fluffy hair was visible. His fingers carefully placed on the strings as he strummed a few chords and hummed with happily.

Mark looked up at me upon my arrival, though I’ve been standing at the doorframe for quite some time, and it was only now did he notice my presence. “Baby!” He shriek, placing the guitar he had on his lap on the stand and making a beeline over to me. Mark pulled me into a hug, to which I responded with a hug back. Feel something, please. Why aren’t you feeling anything with Mark’s arms around you?

Mark pulled away, a happy giggle leaving his lips. He held my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine as he walked me over to where he sat at. He motioned me to sit on the stool next to him with a jark of his chin. Our hands were still held together, my eyes trailing from them and to Mark’s face.

I looked at his hair, the one I never failed to touch the moment I see him, but not today. His eyes that meant so much to me, ones that never failed to look into mine with nothing but joy. His lips that formed the most perfect smile that lit up my world, never failing to let out his beautiful voice, when he sang or when he talked, or when he expressed his love for songwriting each time he talked to me about the many songs he wrote. To top it off, his signature laugh, one that came out from him and him only. No one did it like Mark.

“Why did you call to meet me here? Did you want to accompany me while I practiced?” I realised that Mark was talking and I came zinging back to attention. I pursed my lips into a thin line, a small smile forming after. “Where’s the rest of the Dreamies?” I questioned back, again wanting to put off the time I had to say what I wanted to. Mark galnced to the door before looking back at me. “They already left. I would have gone home but you texted me so.” Mark bobbed his shoulders as a way to finish his sentence.

I hummed softly in response. I exhaled, a little too loudly to the point where Mark raised a questioning brow at me and asked again, “So what are you here for?” I closed my eyes, mentally preparing myself as I bat them open to lock eyes with Mark. “I need to talk to you about something.” I could already feel my voice wanting to crack and break, my eyes already preparing its tears for when it’s time to let them out. Regardless, I kept my calm composure for Mark to see.

“We’ve known each other for seven years, got together for five.” I bit the inside of my cheek, forcing myself to resume though I wanted to simply stop there and scrap this whole thing off like it was nothing. “Aren’t you... Tired of it? Tired of me?” I wanted to continue without hearing Mark’s reply. I couldn’t bear to hear his voice. Yet, he lets out, “What? Of course not. I’m never tired of you.”

I shut my eyes hard, shaking my head as I looked down. “No, you don’t get it Mark Lee. See, that’s the thing. You’re never tired of me. You’re never tired of our relationship. Not once did you have any doubts about us.” I breathed a painful chuckle, having to run a hand down my face and taking a deep breath. I met his eyes again for a brief moment. I could tell they were scared. It was filled with fear and anxiety, already anticipating on what I wanted to say.

“I’m not feeling the love between us anymore, Mark Lee.” I finally let out. Mark’s bright smile faltered to small frown at first, and eventually grew into nothing. He had an emotionless expression on, one that I tried to mentally pull apart piece by piece to find his true emotion, but to no avail. Of course I had my guesses though. “And it’s not because of anything bad. It’s just...” I kept a pause, wanting to see how I could phrase it in the most gentlest way possible, but I realised there was no other way to say it than, “You’re just too kind, Mark. You’ve always been kind. We’ve never even fought once in our five year relationship. I guess... I got bored of it.”

Mark wasn’t saying a single thing, simply staring at me as if wanting to tell me, “Let it all out before it’s my turn to fire back.” And so be it. I continued. “Echajōri.” I said out of the blue. “I looked it up. It’s when no human relationship would last due to the simple nature of life. That’s what I think this is. It’s just how it works. That’s just how the world wants us to be. Who knows, you’re probably just a phase in my life.”

“I love you, Mark. You’re perfect in all ways. Me falling out of love was probably nature’s doing. If the world continues to spin, and the world’s forces want us to meet again, then we shall. We’ll know it’s fate. But for now...” I released Mark’s hand from mine, only noticing now how tightly he was holding on while I got lost trying to spill it all out. Mark let his hand loose so that I could slide it away.

I pushed myself off the stool, adjusting my purse. I walked back to the door, eyes closed with shallow breaths. Hesitantly, I placed my hand on the door handle. I turned around one last time, my mouth opening and closing as I tried to form my sentence. “D-Do you... have nothing to say?” I asked, voice clearly breaking as I was at the point of collapsing. Mark avoided my gaze, blinking his eyes rapidly as if wanting to hold back his tears. He sniffled, turning his head elsewhere before going back to me, his eyes too scared to meet mine.

“If that’s how you want it. Then so be it.” I widened my eyes ever so slightly, the cold and harsh tone of his words firing back at me. His face was kept soft and tender but his words rolled hard on his tongue, sharply slicing the sliver of confidence I had left in me. “Goodbye, Mark Lee.” I croaked out, not even botjering to sound fine as I left and exited the room.

Like a snap of the fingers, I fell hard onto the floor, preventing myself from making a loud thud as I did so. I covered my mouth, scrunching myself up into a ball as I cried hard, head dipped down and too scared to face the world. I wanted to scream, knock my head against the wall and say, “You’re the meanest person alive. Fuck you for hurting Mark.” That was all I could think about. I didn’t want to stay here long. I couldn’t bear to be in any close of a proximity to Mark after what I just did.

I made my way out of the building. There’s no coming back for me. Thus is a terrifying feeling. It’s the feeling of something turning, of coming to a corner and going around it and seeing that the street ahead is dark and deserted filled with wild dogs but you cant go back only forward into the middle of the pack. I had to wipe my face constantly to get rid of the dried up tears on my cheeks and the snot that blocked my nose, yet it never seemed to stop. Not while I walked back home, and when I was at home. I cried into the night till I fell asleep in despair, my muffled cries being the last thing I hear for the rough night.

“Mark, open the damn door!” The banging on Mark’s door had been going on since the breaking dawn of the morning. The sun was disgustingly shining over Mark’s face as the sun began to rise and make its way up into the sky. Mark covered his eyes with his forearm in an attempt to block the sunlight. His world was falling apart as each second passed by. He had no energy for anything. Though the world was still spinning, he wasn’t. He wanted it all to pause. Everything going by too fast and he simply wanted to slow down.

However, he slowly grew annoyed at the fact that his friends had been sitting outside his apartment for hours now. He forced himself out of bed with an annoyed groan, ruffling his greasy hair and taking dragged steps to the door, finally opening it.

Haechan was standing right in front of him, almost falling from the sudden open of the door. Behind him was the rest of Mark’s only friends, his band members. Haechan huffed, folding his arms and placing his weight on one leg. “Let us through.” Haechan abruptly pushed Mark away, bursting in Mark’s place unannounced like how they sometimes did. The rest came in, eyes glancing to Mark for a moment. He made eye contact with each of them, and he knew they all had that look of concern that Mark had no desire to see.

Either way, he let them in, closing the door behind him and wanting to make his way straight to the couch to lay back down, only to realise all his friends had occupied it fully. “We need to have a serious talk.” Mark wished they didn’t bring it up. Mark wished that he didn’t have to go through this, the inevitable situation of being interrogated. “Serious? Wonder what.” Mark echoed dryly, making his way to the kitchen.

“You know what we mean! You haven’t been to practices for so long.” Mark heard Renjun’s voice whining as he opened the fridge, taking the slice of watermelon on instinct. He shut the fridge, taking long lazy strides back to the living room. “And?” Plopping himself down next to the group, the sound of Chenle cursing under his breath being unintentionally loud. “And? That’s it?! Mark you-” Chenle sounded as if he was out to choke Mark dead, but he was trying to think of what to say. Mark took a bite of his watermelon.

“You kept making excuses and purposely skipping.” Chenle added on through gritted teeth. Mark had his head hung low the whole time, taking small yet quick bits like a rabbit. Jaemin, being the one closest to him, cleared his throat. “It’s obvious, you know? We’ve been your friends long enough to know that something’s wrong.” Jaemin’s comforting tone rang through Mark’s ears. He was getting an earful, but thankfully Jaemin was there to soothe it down

“Mark, please. Say something. We’re worried.” Finally, Mark lifted his head up at his best friend’s voice, Jeno. “I don’t wanna talk about it.” Mark whispered, but loud enough for them to hear. He reached his hand out to grab a tissue and wrap it around the finish watermelon, placing it on the table. He dragged his knees close to his chest and hugged himself into a ball like he always had since that day. “We would have accepted that excuse back then but you know it’s not working this time.” Jisung, the youngest spoke up.

“How long has it been? Since I became like this?” Mark asked, he genuinely wanted to know since he had lost track of time. “Four whole months.” Mark chuckled weakly with the few of them answering in unison. Mark ran a hand through his hair, the greasiness from not washing it didn’t actually bothered Mark till now.

“Four months had passed. Do you guys think four months is enough to get me back on my feet after I’ve broken up from a five year relationship?”

Mark’s question made everyone sat there, frozen and still. Their faces turning blank and speechless. Haechan tried to open his mouth, but it only ended up quivering at the thought that he didn’t know what to mention at all. Mark glazed his eyes over his friends. He knew they couldn’t help him. He dugged himself this hole of despair, and he wasn’t able to get out. Those four months, Mark had tried to find ways to get back to her, he questioned himself on what he did wrong, what he could do to piece it all back together. But of course, with the sadness sliding in, Mark had no hope left in his body.

“Do you want to tell us what happened?” Chenle’s voice became soft and gentle, not like before when he was rigid and pissed at his friend for not coming to the many practices he purposely skipped. Mark took in a deep breath. He’s been practicing. Not breaking down the moment it was time to talk about it. He promised himself he won’t break down, making himself look like a mess.

“She said she fell out of love. She said it wasn’t a bad thing, though I don’t see how it’s good either. She basically said that our relationship had been too happy, too perfect, I guess?” Mark had to take a second. Oh no, the tears were welling up in his eyes. On instinct, Jeno went down from the couch to hug Mark tight. And at his touch, Mark let his body loose, crying hard into his friend’s hoodie.

“She began to get bored of me, Jeno!” Mark croaked out, as if the rest were not looking at the two on the floor with worrisome and hesitation, not sure if they should comfort Mark as well, or simply sit there. Sometimes it was best to not interfere. This is one of those instances.

“She literally said that it’s just the way of life. That it was natural for her to lose feelings for me. That that’s just how the world works. But I don’t get it! I’ve been trying to find the good out of this, but I can’t. I fucking can’t!” Mark shook his head vigorously, hands clutching tight on Jeno’s hoodie while he dug his head into Jeno’s chest more and practically poured his heart out.

“Um... Can I say something?” Everyone paused in there movements, including Mark as their heads slowly turned to Jisung who had his body leaned back into the couch, a shaky and uncertain hand raised. The rest raised a brow in a shocking manner, but also curious as to what the youngest had to say on this. “What?” Mark asked, barely audible and recognisable.

“Alright well, see. Maybe I could understand from her point of view.” Jisung looked at the others for confirmation to keep going, only to be met with disgusted faces that said, “How could you?!” “Can’t you see Mark’s crying here?!” As if Jisung could clearly hear it, he placed both hands up in defence mode. “Listen! In a five year relationship, don’t you guys agree that it’ll get boring? You’re being together with someone for so long, how can anyone not get tired of it?”

“I didn’t.” “Well most people do, Mark.”

Jisung lowered his voice as he spoke. “And if you want the relationship to last long, it needs to be exciting, it needs to feel fresh and new no matter how long it’s been. Don’t you guys get it? Perhaps, from what I know, Mark has always been bright and perfect. Imagine not having a fight or some sort of argument for five years. It’s not always good for a relationship to suffer from no problems that would affect the relationship. All relationship has to have its flaws, or else it’ll feel unreal. Perhaps she felt that it was unrealistic.”

The silence that had already filled the room from the beginning was now falling deeper upon the youngest’s wise words. It was practically pin drop silence now, with only Mark’s shallow breathing and sniffles to be heard. He wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt. Exhaling loudly, he said, “Then what can I do? If she’s lost feelings for me, I don’t see another way...” Mark realised how deep he was into this. How Jisung made him realise that it was true. He’s been nothing but happy towards her that they’ve never had a single argument or anything. He understood what she meant by her words that resonated in his mind while Jisung talked.

Renjun slammed his hands on the table, palm faced down while looking to Mark. “Then show her how you two were at the beginning of the relationship!” Renjun exclaimed, as if he had the most brilliant idea. The room was suddenly lit. The atmosphere changed as everyone nodded their heads in agreement. Everyone turned to Mark, who leaned back from the sudden lift of atmosphere.

“Exactly! Show her why she fell in love with you in the first place!” Jaemin shouted as well. Mark was suddenly bombarded with everyone screaming and giving chants of encouragement. Meanwhile, Jeno was looking at him with the softest smile, both him and Mark shaking their heads at everyone’s outrageous behaviour.

“We’ll help you.” Jeno whispered, a firm and assuring hand on Mark’s shoulder. Mark had never asked them for help, ever. No matter what he suffered, he suffered it alone, wanting to be seem as the person who could handle whatever’s been thrown at him himself. But with a problem like this that made him fall so deep into the loophole, he knew from the get-go that he could trust his friends. No second thought needed.

I worked at a bookstore. As cliché as that sounded, I liked working there. You get free books whenever there’s unwanted stock, you didn’t have to work much, simply arranging the books and being the cashier. I only had one other person who worked with me here, which was Jaehyun.

In a small bookstore with books handpicked by the owner herself, it wouldn’t be the most popular bookstore around. Hence, why it’s always a breeze to work here, not having to deal with a whole bunch of customers. “Should we get lunch?” Jaehyun asked after coming out from the back, patting his apron which I never knew why he wore in the first place. I smiled softly. “There’s no one to watch the store but us.” I reminded him, placing the last book I had in my arms on the shelf and making sure it fits snug in between the rest of the books.

Jaehyun hummed, nodding his head thoughtfully. “Looks like we’re ordering take out from the restaurant right down the street.” Jaehyun taunted, leaning his face forward jokingly while taking out his phone. “I’d be too lazy to go anyways. I’m tired.”

Jaehyun chuckled. “Mentally or physically?” I didn’t even take me a second to plainly reply with, “Both.” I walked up to the counter where Jaehyun sat at, his head tilted down to his phone. I sat on the opposite side, letting my arms fall and hit the wood. “Why are you tired?” Jaehyun suddenly asked. I blinked my eyes, trying to formulate answer which ended up being, “What do you mean?” Which was not even a proper answer in the first place.

“Why are you mentally tired?” Jaehyun’s voice grew low and soft while it became serious. I knew right then and there what he was implying. He had always been hinting on me about it. I knew he noticed my change in behaviour, and wanted to know why. As much as I wanted to tell him, my answer to that had always been the same. “Just... things.” I lied through my teeth, the answer being too vague and suspicious. It only got Jaehyun to shake his head.

“I know something happened, come on. You can never hide your feelings.” Jaehyun said firmly. We both knew it was a fact. Something I’ve struggled with all my life, which meant that as much as I wanted to keep it to myself, I had to let it out sooner or later with the invisible pressure I have always gotten from my surroundings. “Do... Do you remember the night when I went to your house and got drunk?” Jaehyun looked up with thought before replying with a hum.

I bit my lower lip, silence circulating the air for a brief moment. “You literally came unannounced and you never told me why either since you were already drunk when you came.” Jaehyun recalled softly, he turned his phone to me, motioning to pick something to eat. While I scrolled through the options, I exhaled sharply. “Well um... a few days before that, I did something. Terrible.” My chest puffed up and down, I couldn’t tell what Jaehyun’s expression was, but I knew from the silencd again that he knew I was beating around the bush.

Jaehyun suddenly snatched his phone away from me. I gaped my mouth open. “Hey I wasn’t done-” “Tell me what’s wrong.” Jaehyun demanded, eyes piercing into mine. I frowned, slowly pointing down to the phone. “If you can just help me press the burger-”

“_____, please!” Jaehyun half-shouted. I instantly grew quiet, intimidated by his sudden shout. He took in a deep breath before continuing. “Four months. You aren’t like how you were before. I know I’ve never questioned you straight up. And I can feel how much you’re trying to hide it. Are you dumb to think you can do that with me?” Jaehyun leaned back from his hunched over position to fold his arms.

“What am I suppose to say? The fact that I broke up with my boyfriend of five years? That I hurt his feelings for the sake of mine? That even though he’s been nothing but good to me I made the damn decision to break his heart for my own good?!” I retorted back, voice escalating with each sentence. I pinched my temples, hot air suddenly rising to my head. That sudden burst that came out of me also resurfaced emotions that I wanted to keep underground, away from my heart and mind. But it was all now out in the open, and I couldn’t simply ignore it any longer.

“There, I said it. And I don’t think I can ever get rid of the guilt from that night four months ago.” My voice lowered itself till I became inaudible. I closed my eyes for a moment to allow myself to calm down. I wanted to cry it all out again, just like I did that night. But i’ve shed far too many tears till I simply couldn’t cry anymore, only having to deal with the weight of my heart that sunk due to these feelings, feelings that blocked my lungs from letting me breathe fresh air.

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?” Jaehyun whispered, his angry expression growing into a look of sympathy. “That’s the face I don’t want to see. The damn look of pity of the people I tell this to. That’s why I didn’t want to say anything in the first place.” I let out, swallowing whatever feelings I had and making sure its kept deep in my heart again.

Jaehyun kept silent, and the air around us suddenly grew thick, suffocating me as unsaid words floated around. I cleared my throat to break the thin ice of silence. “I told myself that he’s just another phase in my life. No matter how long we’ve been together. He meant a lot to me... but whatever that happened has happened. I can’t change the past, so I’ll move on from it, one way or another.” I said, directing it to myself and not exactly to Jaehyun.

“You didn’t have to do it alone.” Jaehyun whispered, his eyes lifted up from the counter and to me. He locked his gaze to me, our eye contact never breaking. I felt the sincerity, care through his look. “I know you aren’t over it. So if you need anyone, just come to me. I’ll be anything you need me to be. I’m always here.”

I got home one night from a day out with Jaehyun. I was tired to the core, eyes barely half opened as I kicked my shoes off and went straight for my room, dropping my sling back at the door and plopping myself down on my bed, letting my body sink into sheets. I got comfortable, hugging my soft toys. Just when I wanted to close my eyes and drift off, my phone rang.

I flinched at the ringing, the vibrating on my hand only making me groan. I picked it up. The lockscreen glaring the only name I never wanted to see. “Did I not delete his number?” I muttered to myself in a weak voice, trying to recall if I ever did. But I soon remembered that the time I “got rid off all traces of Mark” was when I got drunk. I got to know that I never did anything regarding that.

I stared at the screen, the ringing still ongoing and Mark’s name glaring at me widely and boldly. I would have done everything I could to get it out of my sight. But something in me made me press the pick-up botton at the bottom with a shaky thumb filled with fear and uncertainty. I slowly brought my phone up to my ear, not letting out a word.

There was silence for a moment, which turned into a long moment. I suddenly heard shuffling, like someone’s moving in there seat. The phone’s been moved. A sudden shallow breathing that was most probably Mark’s. “You picked up... I’m surprised.” The moment I heard Mark’s voice, my heart shattered into millions of pieces. His voice, still sweet as ever, sounded as if he was talking to the most fragile being on earth.

“Why-” “You don’t have to say anything. I’m actually not feeling good right now.”

A little more inspection on the tone of his voice got me to realise that he was drunk. Did he call me while drinking? I could hear him coughing away from the speaker on the other end. I got worried, wanting to make sure he was fine. “Did you drink?” I asked bluntly. Mark chuckled softly, the sound sending shivers down my spine. It felt unreal, suddenly having him talk to me after all these months. But perhaps it was, the probability of him forgetting he ever contacted me was there.

“I have a song... I wrote. It’s not about you. I mean... it might be. Is it?” Mark giggled carelessly. “Do you want to hear it?” I could tell Mark’s throat was dry, coarse, like he’s been drinking for hours. I knew him well enough to recognise the slightest changes. Before I could ever answer, the shuffling came back again, and after awhile, a strum of a guitar was heard. “When the sun and moon pass over my head. I try to move on, try to move on.” My lips quievered tremendously, wanting my lips to part and voice out, “Please don’t sing. You’re hurting me.” But I couldn’t. No sound left my lips. I was rendered speechless.

“Even though the world we created is already messed up. I am still stuck here, broken.” Mark voice rang through my ears. I placed my hand to my head, scrunching up my hair as I balled my hand into a fist, anger and frustration, but also sadness and despair began rising up. All feelings I tried so hard within these months to get rid of, coming back at me, full blow, at two fold. “Mark...” He continued singing regardless.

“How do I miss you baby? How can I still be missing you like this? I know I should move on. I know I should go on. How do I love again? Just come back to me.” I broke down harder with each word, my other hand dropping the phone to cover my mouth as tight as possible while I cried and screamed, everything muffled and hidden. Everything was crashing over my heart. It grew heavy to the point where I couldn’t carry myself properly no longer.

I couldn’t be facing another day like this. I’ve tried so hard to get over Mark, try to forget the guilt of leaving the most sweetest person in my life. I regretted it every single day, I still do. But I continued, carried on, moved on with life. But having him show up suddenly, his voice, oh so sweet, a song he’s singing for me.

Days went on. I could never get the song out of my head. Mark’s voice made me envision him, at his house, guitar on his lap. He sang with his whole heart, true to him and his feelings. I couldn’t bear it. It kept resonating in my head. I even began humming it and eventually singing it, but broke down each time. The action was so instantaneous, something I did without any second thought. I kept unknowingly driving myself into having a breakdown each time I did that.

“You’re making it so hard for me to move on, Mark Lee. Why did you have to be this kind of person? Why can’t you just hate me? I’m fucking regretting it every single second of my life. Why can’t you just help me relief the pain by hating me? Forgetting me whole? Why can’t you do that?” I cried out. All I wanted was to grab a glass of water, now sitting on the cold kitchen floor with the empty glass on the counter. The melody crept into my mind again, a monster eating me up. My heart ached as I began singing again, voice cracking and words indescribable and barely audible for anyone to hear.

The very next day, I was met with darkness. Not quite since a small slice of light in between the curtains shined through, but at least it wasn’t blaring and blinding right at my eyes. I called Jaehyun, agreeing that he’d pick me up to get breakfast before we got into work. I was simply getting ready, half an hour passing by when the doorbell rang. I raised a brow in question. “What’s Jaehyun doing here?” I asked to myself, looking down to my phone to see the text messages he sent. He shouldn’t be here for another ten minutes.

I quickly tied my hair in a messy low bun and ran for the door, opening it instantly since I thought jt was the mailman. It wasn’t. Who stood in front of me would’ve made me drop to my feet, but I couldn’t. Instead, my feet were rooted to the ground. It was Mark.

He stared at me, and I stared back. He was piercing his soft gaze at me as if turning me to stone. I felt weird. One look and it felt like time hasn’t passed by at all. It was as if he’s looking right into my heart and soul through my eyes. I took this moment to eye him slowly. He had a change of hair colour, subtle but noticeable, from black to a silverish-purple type of colour. I noticed how he wore his gold round glasses, ones that I knew he’d wear every morning. His style? Hasn’t changed either. Nothing about him has changed.

“Mark?” I questioned, though I knew it was him right in front of me. My phone suddenly rang, making me jump in my spot out of shock. I huffed, looking down and realising it was Jaehyun. I froze for a moment, my eyes trailing from the screen and to Mark, who had both his hands in the pocket of his black blue jeans, standing upright. He jerked his head down to the phone. “Answer it.” Mark simply said. I gulped nervously and frantically picked up the call.

“Jaehyun um. You’re here already?” My eyes couldn’t stop flickering from the surroundings and to Mark, going back and forth, making fidgeting movements as I talked to Jaehyun. “Um actually you don’t have to pick me up. Tell Misses Lee that I’m not coming today. Something... happened.” I glanced to Mark. He still had that expressionless look on his face. Again, out of anxiety, I let out answers that sounded too vague. Of course Jaehyun had to ask, “What? Are you okay? Do you need me to go up?” To which I responded with, “No! No,no um... Something came up. Just get going.”

I instantly ended the call, dropping my hand loose and letting the grip my fingers around my phone go loose. “Explain yourself, please.” I whispered, shaking my head. “W-What are you doing here?” My voice got shaky quick the more he’s eyes darted at me, as if I was the only thing in the focus of his vision. Mark inhaled, chest puffing up. “Do you have time to go out?”

My brows knitted together, not sure of where this was going. I came up with whatever possible reason for him to ask such a question so suddenly. I bit my lower lip, smacking my lips after and shaking my head again. “Why?” Mark thinned his lips, glancing sideways and rocking his body back and forth, switching from his toes to heels, like a little kid. “Am I allowed to take you somewhere?”

I wrapped my arms around my body, my head tilting back down to my feet. I thought long and hard, should I go or should I not? What would happen if I do? What if I don’t? Would I abandon all the hardwork I’ve tried to get over him, only to have it crumble down with his presence and the day I’ll be spending with him if I agreed? Or will I regret again and have it add on to my already huge mountain pile of guilt?

Such questions wrapped around my mind, getting itself comfortable as if telling me, “Looks like we’ll be here for awhile.” I shook my head vigorously as if clearing slate. “You good?” Mark questioned in a gentle voice. I snapped my head up so hard I probably gave myself whiplash. Mind still foggy from the many thoughts, I simply replied. “Let’s go.” without a second to think it over.

“No going back.” The same thing I told myself when I came into the band room to finish it off with Mark. Now, I watched as Mark flashed his smile. Though it was the same smile that always made me flash a smile back, this time it sent another unknown feeling, a bad one. I was now craving for the feeling I’d get when I saw his smile. I didn’t like that something else was settling on my heart while I looked at his lips curving upwards, lips becoming thin.

Mark swirled around and walked, his leaned posture and relaxed shoulders almost made him look like he sauntered down the hallway. I watched his back, he still had much style with his graphic tee. He looked as flawless no matter what angle. His head turned, for a brief second he glanced at me over his shoulder as he lifted his glasses up the bridge of his nose easily and turned his head back to the front. I mentally let out a disappointing groan to myself. “Why...”

We got out of my building, the journey silent as ever, though there wasn’t a hint of awkwardness as I simply followed behind him. I saw his motorbike parked right at the entrance. My eyes flickered from the bike and to Mark, who was already taking out a helmet from the back. He handed it to me with a slight lift.

I took a moment to look at it. A small frown forming on my face. My sight went down to our small signatures engraved at the side, my name and his in a calligraphy font with a heart next to it. I gulped, biting my lip as the more I stared at it. The more it took me back to my memories. “I got you that when I first got my motorbike.” Mark whispered. He probably noticed how I was staring into blank space at it. I cleared my throat. “Yeah.” was the only thing I could let out, quickly wearing it on and waiting for Mark to get on before I did.

The engine started and I thought we were about to go. But we didn’t. Mark turned his head around, his helmet shield lifted up so that I could see his face. “You aren’t holding on?” Mark asked with a raise of his brows. I let out a soft “Um...” It wasnt because I didn’t know where to place them. It was the fact that I was too afraid to do so. Mark still had his eyes on me. I glanced back for a moment before ever so slowly wrapping my arms around his waist, interlocking my fingers together to make sure I was secured.

Mark simply chuckled lightly, a tone I wouldn’t expect from a situation that should have felt awkward, but it felt all to familiar. Mark faced front again and I was finally able to breathe normally after suffocating myself with his stares that have done so many things to me. Then and now. I didn’t know where he was taking me. Though I was clueless, I only had Mark to trust. And after awhile, the streets began to look familiar. The buildings and the place came into view, and I knew instantly where we were going.

“Why would you take me here?” It felt like a repeat, one mere scene from the past of our many adventures. This one however, held a little more significance than the rest. “Do you want to spend the day here?” I turned to Mark, who was already looking at me. I blinked my eyes rapidly, breathing out a quick chuckle. “You brought me here so how am I suppose to answer that. And you didn’t answer me first.” I breathed in, taking in the sight before us.

The large patch of grass spreaded out, the trees that surrounded it had its leaves and branches sway in the calm wind of the day. It gave a clear view of the sky, a mix of white and blue, the air that blowed on me like a light kiss. As expected, there wasn’t anyone here. It was just us, us and the world. No one ever came here, and so it became our own place. A place we owned all to ourselves.

“What are we going to do? It’s already lunch too...” I whispered, glancing down at my phone to check the time. I began to wonder what Jaehyun was doing, how he was coping with the fact that I suddenly ditched work today and have him work alone for the first time. “You know the drill, don’t you?” I retrieved my eyes back from the scenery and to him. I gukped hard. “Of course I do.” I turned around sharply and walked forward to the small café beside the area that housed the best desserts any place could offer.

“Oh, Mark Lee!” The old woman shouted with glee when she shot her head up at the sound of the bell ringing above the door, and upon seeing Mark in her view, her face instantly lit up with a smile, the wrinkles around her eyes showing as they formed a thin line. She didn’t hesitate to get out from behind the counter to give Mark a big warm hug like you’d give to your grandson, chuckling happily as she did so.

“How many years has it been?!” She finally released Mark out of her embrace when he kept hitting her back in a signal that she was suffocating him. Mark laughed at her excitement. “Mm two years, I think?” I knew he was just guessing and letting out a random number. “I see you’re back too, dear.” She turned her attention to me, which got me out of my observant nature to quickly flash a polite smile. “Good afternoon, Misses Jae.”

Misses Jae, the old woman who had been working at the café ever since Mark and I began coming here. She has yet to retire after all these years. And if anyone would have seen Mark and I’s relationship grow, it was her. She had always been at the sidelines, obviously spying on us and we pretended we never knew. She never caught on to us knowing about her watchful eyes either. We did stop coming a few years back when Mark began getting busy with his band career. Having her still be here felt like a breath of freah air.

“Would you like the original, loves?” She questioned bubbly, skipping to the back of the counter as she began to whip up our order that we haven’t exactly asked for. Mark and I turned our heads to each other in unison, exchanging a soft smile as the two of us had the same thought of Misses Jae. “How do you still remember what we ate? Aren’t you old already?” Mark asked, the joking tone flowed with his words followed by a giggle.

I mentally frowned, watching Mark and Misses Jae conversed. They were radiating nothing but brightness and purity, like two angels having their daily old chatters. How could things not change? It was only their age, but their personality never did. No matter how long, I’d still think they could have this kind of conversation. I brought myself back to reality from Mark appeared in front of me with the picnic basket. “Let’s go?” He questioned. I downshifted my head in response and walked away, turning back to wave a hand at Misses Jae as she cheefully bid us goodbye as well.

“Are we getting ice cream after this?” I questioned. Mark looked down to me, almost having a look of amusement plastered on his face. My eyebrows formed a V at his weird reaction. “What?” I faked my exasperation through my tone. Mark shook his head while it tilted down, cracking a soft smile. I let time froze for a moment. That simple gesture of his, anyone could do it. But his had always been natural, natural yet perfect in its state. Time went back to normal, not allowing me to sink in his looks any further. “Nothing.” Mark simply said, the walk back to the field was quiet and peaceful.

As the day went by and we ate our lunch, everything felt normal. Everything was neutral, like we were just having a regular date out. Like no strings between us have been pulled. Mark was able to keep up a conversation. And though there were pockets of silence, I was able to tolerate it. And now, as we leaned back with one hand supporting our bodies while the other held our ice cream cones, we stared off into the sky as we watch it slowly turn into pink and the burning orange sun started to brush the horizon.

“You have yet to answer why you took me here.” I reminded Mark yet again. I turned my attention to Mark. His dewy skin was covered with the shade of orange reflected from the sky. His silver-purple hair capturing all the light, like it was all shining on him, circling him like he was the only thing worthy in this world. He looked effortlessly breathtaking, his side profile being my focus while he had his eyes on the sunset.

“I have a request.” Mark breathed out, he still had his eyes on the sky that was now slowly turning into a shade of violet. “Request...?” I echoed back, letting my skepticism shine through my words. Mark glanced down, ruffling his head with his hand while taking a bite of the ice cream cone at the same time. A moment went by when he was chewing. And when he swallowed and was ready to talk again, he said, “I offer you three days. Three stops.” “For what?”

“For you to make a decision on whether you want us to start over.”

My mouth couldn’t help itself but hang open ever so slightly. Blinking twice, I took in his words, wondering, “What is he even on about?” When it came to things like these, anything that needed me to not know what was going on, Mark’s creativity knew no limits and zero boundaries. Who knows what was running through his pretty mind? “This being the first stop.”

“Are you taking me on some kind of journey?” I carelessly let out without giving much thought. To my surprise however, Mark nodded his head firmly, his head slowlh tilting down to meet my gaze. “It’s a journey back in time, a journey down our memory lane. Feelings you thought were long gone, we can go search for it again.” His whisper got lower, softened with each word as sincerity was imbued nicely in between.

At that moment, I felt an electric shock being sent throughout my whole body. And it was all Mark’s doing. From his looks, to his stare, whatever he did today. I didn’t take me long to realise that I was feeling new, like we were just getting started. When he went away for that night and we parted ways, I went empty too, like all of me just flooded out and disappeared.

Mark texted to free up my weekends, which meant that I’d still have to go for work. With the day before still vividly etched into my mind, I came to the bookstore unfocused and in a daze, absentmindedly bringing myself back to that day and having the sudden urge to replay it over and over. Of course my weird behaviour has yet again struck Jaehyun’s instincts of suspicion.

“Why didn’t you go to work yesterday?” Jaehyun asked, wanting to sound casual but I could hear his interrogation tone underneath and ready to come out after I answered. I took in a deep breath, lips thinned. “I went out... with my boyfriend.” My answer caused Jaehyun to lean back a little almost in shock, but he kept his cool regardless. “Wait. The one you broke up with?” He closed his eyes for a moment as if recalling the day when I told him about my situation. I nodded in response.

There was silence for a moment, but I quickly spoke with a, “Hey, what would you do if someone gave you three days to fall in love with them?” Jaehyun arched an eyebrow in question, glancing sideways. “I’m assuming that this is related to what happened yesterday?” I burst out a loud sigh, covering my eyes with a palm for a moment. “How are you so-”

“I know how to read people.” I clicked my tongue. “Right.”

“So what exactly did he tell you?” Jaehyun questioned me again. I puckered my lips, trying to see if I could remember Mark’s exact words. Failing to do so, I simply replied with the gist. “He’s giving me three days. We’ll go to three places. He wants to know if I’d agree to starting over our relationship after the three days.” I was looking down at my thumbs, trying to scrap off the hang nails while I talked in a whispered tone. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

I looked up to Jaehyun, dumbfounded as I got side tracked in my thinking, remembering about my day with Mark once again. Jaehyun let out a disappointed sigh. “Can’t you see, _____. He’s practically a hopeless romantic who’s trying so hard to win you over. I feel bad for that guy.” Jaehyun suddenly leaned forward against the counter, shoulders raising up to his ears while he did so. “Wait what’s his name though? I can’t be calling him ‘that guy’ all the time.”

“I thought you knew? It’s Mark Lee.” I stated monotonously. Jaehyun moved back with shock, mouth agape and eyes so wide that it could fall out of their eye sockets. “Wait! Mark Lee the guitarist from Dream?!” Jaehyun gasped exaggeratedly, both hands having to close his loose jaw shut. “Did you not remember me taking you to one of his performances?” I asked, dumbfounded at how he could forget such a memory. “You just said you knew Mark! I didn’t know you dated him!” My mouth absently formed an ‘O’ as I remembered that I did, laughing shortly after and shaking my head, muttering a, “Sorry about that.” under my breath.

“Okay back on topic.” Jaehyun began, his voice instantly switched fast back to his low, serious tone. “I mean the obvious answer is to take him back. But I’m not the one in a relationship here. So whether you do fall for him again or not within the three days, just make sure you two ended this on a good note. Not whatever you did that day.” Jaehyun rolled his eyes with his last comment. “Did you think I didn’t thought of a way to end it nicely? I tried to but it came out sounding more harsh then it needed to be. But I felt like ot was better to be straight up at that point of time.” I retorted, my voice forged by a shard of broken glass as I feigned exasperation.

“Can’t I at least have a clue of where you’re taking me?” I frowned while Mark was taking out my helmet from the back. He turned around sharply on his heels, passing me the helmet with a faint smirk that disappeared in a blink of an eye and covered with an innocent smile. “I’m not your kidnapper. All the more you should trust me. Didn’t I say we’re trying to find your lost feelings?” Mark expertly put his helmet on without any adjustments needed. “I’m your guide here.” He hopped on, the engine roaring when he started the motorbike and I got on.

The ride to the unknown location was long. I didn’t time it but it did felt long. I had my eyes halfway closed, begging to shut them fully to be put to rest as the wind blew harshly against my skin, the fast speed making the wind cold as ice which felt like air conditioning and made it the perfect condition to sleep. Too bad I couldn’t and even when I did, my head moved left and right as it hanged loose.

We finally came to an abrupt stop. My eyes were still closed at that period of time. But by the sound of bustling and busyness ringing through my ears, it didn’t take me long to have a few guesses formed in my head before I fluttered my eyes open to confirm them. “This place...” I whispered under my breath. Mark heard me and hummed as I went off and strapped my helmet off. I held the helmet in my hands while I looked from the crowdedness to the where the huge sign stood tall and above the entrance of the gates.

“We haven’t visited here in a long time, haven’t we?” I felt Mark’s presence beside me. I quickly glanced at him before directing my eyes back to the sign. “I’m surprised it’s still busy. It used to only be this crowded during the holidays.” I couldn’t help but crack a smile absently, too amazed by the sight as nostalgia washed over me. I handed Mark my helmet, eyes never leaving the place. I watched as Mark walked in front of me and I instantly followed.

What continued after that was simply a whole day of fun and joy. Endless games, prizes won. Though it had mostly been Mark winning the prizes at first, I was soon able to step up and win some too close to the end of the day. We got on rides, ate from food trucks, the plainest of desserts suddenly tasting a whole lot brighter as we simply went around and visiting everh corner of the amusement park. It was nothing but pure bliss, nothing could distract our time here at all.

“I’m not satisfied with this!” I whined, still upset at how Mark upstaged me in over half the games we played. I realised my competitive side became prominent when I played, and also the fact that I might have been competitive only with Mark. Mark folded his arms confidently, his body turning left and right while he threw his leg forward with each step on the way back to our ride. The prizes were small, but the biggest one he earned was an adorable cat plush toy which he hugged like it was his prize possession.

“You used to be better at this than I was. I remembered how you always taunted me and rubbed it in my face while I sulked.” Mark and I chuckled in unison, the memories of it being played in our minds at the same time. We were now leaning against his motorbike, a long silence passing by that felt like a cozy blanket over us, comfortable and serene. The sun was just about to finish setting to welcome the night, and in probably a few minutes time the light on the huge sign would flicker and illuminate the entire front of the entrance.

“You took me here that one time I got a stuffed toy from my friend and thought I liked going to amusement parks.” I couldn’t help but giggle, my mind teleporting me to that exact day when it happened. It replayed itself, and emotions came barreling now in full force. “How did you make such an assumption?” I turned to him, brow raised in a weirded out manner. Mark placed a free hand on his chest and feigned shock.

“It looked like a stuff toy from an amusement park and you kept talking about it in class! I just apparently made that connection...” Mark cutely whispered the ending, which I responded with a frown, surprised at how much I was swooning over his little act.

It took me awhile to notice, having my focus on Mark and the amusement park, that the sunset had always been pretty whenever I was with Mark. At the first stop and now, it was never like any ordinary day. The colours were bright, fighting each other to make themselves prominently painted in the sky. It was a burst of colours, not like your average sunset on an average day. Something about it made me think that the world’s trying to tell me, “It’s really true that the best days have the best sunsets.”

“Wanna head home now?” I flicked my mindset back to reality when I heard Mark’s voice, my head shooting towards him immediately after I stared into blank space at nature’s view. “Mm details on the next location?” It had only been two days. Two stops. With each second passing by, my curiosity to know the next stop had always been growing. It’s as if I was slowly picking up bits and pieces of my feelings through these times, and I was somehow eager to pick up more as it went on.

“The next location.” Mark echoed to himself in a whisper, slowly nodding his head while the rubbed his chin and seemed to be faking that he was deep in thought. “I want you to call me when you’re feeling sleepless. A rought night, one where you simply can’t sleep and wished that time will pass by till morning without having you be a tired mess.” Mark said it in this poetic tone, which flowed soothingly as I listened.

“Why do I already know what you’re going to do?” I asked, a slight smirk creeping up my face while a devious soft chuckle. Mark frowned, eyes narrowed at me while he shook his head. “You aren’t making it fun. At least pretend you don’t know if you guessed it right!” I was trying my hardest not to melt into the floor at the sight of Mark being a cutie. I was suddenly having a hard exterior, one that was playing hard to get but for what reason? That I didn’t know.

Mark took me home, silence throughout with only our expression and hums to communicate. I could clearly tell Mark was tired from today, and I was too, quickly taking a shower and getting ready for bed just so I could fall into it and doze off. But right before I did, my eyes caught its focus on the stuffed bear I won that was sitting on my study table. My hand absently reached out for it. I turned my body sideways and have the bear mirroring me.

It was all so reminiscent. How it was as if I relived that day years ago, which only resulted in a full chain of memories with correspondence to it. It’s like I was in a dark room, nothing but darkness to eat me up alive till Mark showed me a string, one that was slowly taking me somewhere, the destination being sure to be far better than this empty void of my heart, where I didn’t know if I actually did fell out of love with Mark, but simply needed that bit of push which Mark was doing horrifyingly well.

For some reason, Mark and I didn’t contact each other after that day. Days turned into weeks, and as time flash by like a blur, I was already waking up to be greeted with the Christmas spirit that bustled my town just in time to welcome the holidays. Though the snow has yet to come, the town had already begun hanging up decorations and lights hanging from one telephone pole to another. Though the town had greeted me with a lively atmosphere, I however wasn’t in the Christmas spirit.

Without reason, my days have slowly been feeling duller each time I awake from my sleep. Life was boring, casual. I didn’t have anything to look forward to. Eventually my mood had dropped as well. And I always felt the need to put on a smile just so Jaehyun wouldn’t suspect anything. But with him being out of the country for the holidays, I was left to handle the bookstore myself.

I was sitting at the counter, elbow resting on top of the hard wood while I allowed my chin to rest on it uncomfortably while I had my gaze down on my book, mindlessly scanning through the words. I wasn’t feeling that surge to continue reading, I didn’t bother what was going to happen next. My love for reading was suddenly fading, just a little yet still impactful enough to make my days gray. I’d usually be engrossed in a book, flipping hundreds of pages in one sitting when I had the free time.

I closed the book and turned to the back of the book, reading its synopsis. It sounded like a book I’d be interested in while I read the synopsis in my mind. I began to wonder if it was me that was having the colours of me being sucked out by the boredom of life. The book had nothing to do with this. I was simply too drained that I was carrying around a lifeless body everyday. I lifted my eyes up on my book and adverted my attention to the books on the shelves. Nothing stood out to me.

I let out a quiet sigh of frustration, now realising that the red hazed sky turned into vivid black ink after the sun had set, I figured if was a good time to lock up and head home. Misses Lee had never really specified a time for us to close the store, but at this point I could care less. I went straight back home, walking on the pathways as the colour from the lights reflected itself on the stone ground. The lights were bright and eventful, yet I felt none of it on my way back. Nothing was making my heart skip a beat, sending thrill and excitement.

I grabbed a glass of water and brought it straight to my room, carelessly sitting on the edge of my bed. I stared into blank space for a long while, taking occasional sips while I did. Absentmindedly, my eyes slowly went to my study table where my laptop was. And sitting right beside it was the stuffed toy. It was always been in my sight whenever I was in the room, but it was only now that I took in its presence. My thoughts went to Mark, the object of focus being linked to him. My eyes then went to my phone that was sitting at my side.

“Should I...” I whispered to myself. A frown formed on my face. How was Mark doing all this time we weren’t in contact? Has he been well off following the rules of his plan, only having to come to me when I called when he perhaps wanted to rush over and appear at my house like he always used to? “But what if he had forgotten?” I couldn’t let negatives thoughts to be shut out. They were always there, creeping around in the shadows on my mind. It always had to make me think of the worst possible outcomes.

Call me when you can’t sleep, a night when you just want it to pass by quickly. That was one of those nights. I refained myself from thinking twice and picked up my phone.

Mark strummed on the final note of the song, everyone’s instruments settling down as well. Jeno, being in charge of the bass guitar and having to stand next to Mark, immediately went up to him to give him a celebratory pat on the shoulder. “That sounded awesome guys!” Chenle shouted, punching his fists in the air with his drumsticks in hand.

Everyone exhanged faithful looks, including Mark as he looked down at his guitar, thanking it for the brilliant sound it produced though it was entirely Mark’s doing with his eyes by a soft blink. “Luckily I recorded that.” Jaemin ran up to his phone at the front, picking it up and going back to play it. All the members huddle around him, Jaemin instantly blasting his phone on full volume.

Smiles and sighs of satisfaction circled around, finally clapping when the video stopped. “We’re so ready for the Christmas performance!” Jisung said excitedly, bouncing on the toes of his feet. Mark suddenly had his mind filled, filled of her. He didn’t know how, she simply happened to pop in out of thr blue. The laughter and conversation the group was having blurred into the background, his thoughts coming into focus.

“Um guys?” Mark suddenly called out warily. Instant silence and focus was all on Mark, raised brows of curiosity being common in all their faces. “Can we perhaps change the venue?” Mark’s question got everyone to not respond for a beat, still processing his words and truthfully, not sure of what to say.

“I mean we still have time to change it without upsetting our fans.” Chenle said with a shrug. Soft hums came out. It settled down once Jeno made a follow up question. “Where though?” Mark responded immediately by saying her town, specifically the big lawn of grass with a small stage that was used for outdoor performances. For some reason it wasn’t in use anymore.

“You want to perform for her.” Haechan was the quickest one to let out the obvious assumption made by everyone, which resulted in devilish smirks and giggles. “You guys are okay with that, right?” Mark wanted to confirm in an unsteady tone. Everyone nodded their heads firmly with much reassurance.

“How are we not okay? We’ve been helping you out this whole time.”

I tried calling Mark. And after my fifth try, I gave up. I didn’t know what he was up to. And I felt that I wasn’t in the right place to get mad about it, but for some reason I was. He had a life to live. Perhaps he’s been busy with his band, which is entirely understandable. I was feeling pretty bored after work, deciding that I should be out of my home for once even if it was for an hour to take in the cold atmospheric air.

Wearing a thick coat, I shoved my hands into my pockets, taking small steps as my body tried to fend the cold. It wasn’t too cold that I wanted to freeze myself to death, but jt was enough to sting my exposed skin ever so lightly. As I walked down the pavement, the scraping of my boots against the cement and only my breathing to be heard, I began to notice how unusually quiet the town was. Lights were on and decorations were still hung, but there weren’t anyone to bring the holiday atmosphere come to life like any other day. Today was too quiet.

I continued to walk, slow strides and letting the sounds nature fill the silence. However, the further I walked down, the more I noticed a soft sound in the distance. It was muffled due its far distance from where I was at. But it sounded as if a concert was going on. Absently, I began to pick up my pace, simply curious if that is where all the people of the town werre at.

It was this moment I realised that looking down from my feet and lifting my eyes up, that I was indeed at a performance. Lots of shouting, cheers and jumping. Everyone was having a great time. It was held at the huge lawn of grass with one stage at the very back. I never heard of performances being held here, nor have I seem one when I moved here. The stage from my view was small, and all I could see were seven people performing a song on stage.

I was simply standing outside, listening to the music without giving much thought of who was playing since I was too lazy to get closer for a better view. I knew the song was coming to an end, which made me paint a frown on my face, hopefully they’d be playing more. It would certainly be more entertaining than my original plan of taking a stroll.

“How’d you like that, dreamzens!” The familiar voice spoke into the mic, shouting proudly. I shot my head up so fast I would have given myself a whiplash. My eyes darted to the stage, this time squinting my eyes to focus my vision while having to deal with the crowdedness of the area. “I hope you are all spending your holidays well.” Without a doubt, that voice came from one of Mark’s bandmates. It was as clear as day, recognising them within the fraction of a second.

“We’ll be performing one last song before leaving.” Groans filled the air of the crowd, which only made them laugh and giggle, specifically Mark’s unique laughter shining through and being the most prominent. I couldn’t recognise where Mark was. But when a person came walking up to the mic, tapping on it warily and coughing nervously, I knew right then and there that Mark was about to speak.

“This last song. It’s for a special someone. She’s probably not here to listen, but performing it here in her town specifically felt like the right thing to do.” Mark paused for a moment, sucking the air into his lungs and exhaling through the mic. “I love her, so much. I felt like I’ve been giving my best, but my best wasn’t her interpretation of her best. I realised that I’ve never actually been open to her. We never fought, strangely enough. We weren’t normal. I never shared to her about my hardships, simply putting on a smile and trying to be perfect person for her.”

Mark gulped, glancing away before proceeding to make eye contact with the audience. “And after what happened, I finally knew that being perfect, isn’t what makes you the most lovable and ideal person in someone’s eyes. Perfection was what drove her away. And in an attempt to get her back, I wrote this song. It’s a waste that she won’t be hearing it. She’s probably at home reading.” Mark chuckle weakly, rubbing his eye with one hand. “But I hope you all understand what I mean by that through this song. Be imperfectly perfect.”

The song began, and I already felt my heart getting heavy, full of unrecognisable and familiar emotions, clumping all into my heart and putting its weight down on me. It was a slow start, one that usually comes with a sad song. The crowd became quiet and respectful. “Even if I was hurt I never showed it. I’m so scared of seeing the end.” Mark’s soft and gentle voice settled in me as well, it made me held my breath for a moment and exhaling to grasp for air when I realised my breathing stopped. It’s his voice that always made the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck stand up straight and stiff.

“You saw the emptiness in my eyes, yet I never had the courage to show them to you.” The song was picking up its pace, coming to the chorus. I wanted to shout, show him I was here, wanting him to know that he didn’t have to imagine that I was here while performing, that he didn’t need to perform with just an image of me. But I couldn’t. The song was hitting me so hard in the chest that I wouldn’t even be able to utter a single word. “In a world where perfection was expected, you are one that made me imperfectly perfect, only in your eyes.”

The world came to a pause. From the rapid pace, slowing itself down to finally stop and freeze in time. Mark was the only one in my focus, everything else going blurry and bleeding out into nothing. I couldn’t resist the urge to hug him, wanting to reach my hand out all the way from the back. My vision became clear, and I could see Mark singing with his whole heart, with all his emotions. He told me many times performing was his way of expressing himself, and I could see that. I’ve seen that in all his performances.

I continued to listen, my tears eventually having to well itself up till I blinked down to the floor and drops of them fell to the ground, making its mark. I gulped and bit my lower lip, my vision how gone back to being blurry by the tears but I was still listening. All I needed was Mark’s voice to feel the presence of his arms around me, comforting me and letting me be free.

The moment the song ended and people were getting ready to leave after they greeted the fans, I squeezed through the crowd, being elbowed and pushed in every which way. I soldiered on and finally ended up and the back of the stage, where the whole band was huddle together in a group hug, patting their backs. I made myself known by clearing my throat. Heads shot up in my direction. Mark was in the center, head slowly tilting up and eyes widening when he saw me. He was crying, quickly wiping off his tears to make it seem like he wasn’t. But we both knew he was never quick enough.

“Mark...” Was all I could let out in a whisper and cry. The others were able to read the atmosphere after flickering their attention fron me and back to Mark, quietly going off. I slowly walked up to Mark, head tilted down. For some reason, I was too afraid to look into his eyes. I knew I’d be breaking the moment I looked into them. However, it was Mark’s hands that made its way to mine, holding them as if it was the most fragile thing in the world, caressing his thumb over my skin as if it was the smoothest thing ever.

“I didn’t know you’d come.” Mark breathed out, the two of us having our eyes on our hands that sit perfectly with each other like molds made from fate. “I guess it was fate that made us meet.” I was the first to look up, taking in his eyelashes and eyelids while he kept his gaze down. He was still running his thumb on my skin, in circles or even hovering over them. He was never intending to let go.

“Why have you never told me anything when you went through like... difficult times. Times where you needed someone to be there for you. That’s what I’m here for, aren’t I?” Mark quickly looked at me. Our eyes met and eye contact wasn’t intended to be broken either. “For one I felt bad if I were to ever bring up my problems. Like I said, or sung, I wanted to the the perfect person for you. One you need not have no worries about and someone you can depend on.”

“But that goes both ways.” “Of course it does.”

“So have you never considered that maybe I wanted you to approach me, instead of just leaving me there to fend for myself?” I began to think it over, his deep words settled in my thoughts. he was right. I thought i was being respectful by leaving him be when he kept insisting that he didnt to talk. But why didn’t i ever think that he could have wanted to be pulled out of his mess? That he kept resisting so that ill see he truly needed help. why didn’t I.. “That’s on me. I never realised. I’m dumb for not and so I’m sorry.”

A pause of silence went by, as if the two of us were recollecting our thoughs. “Mark.” I began. “I’m sorry for everything. Having you feel the need to put up a mask whenever you were with me, that night I broke up with you for you, being you. I’m sorry you felt the need to go such lengths to get me back. You didn’t need to. I just need you to be... transparent.” I couldn’t help but giggle when the sudden thought came to mind. “The adorable hopeless romantic that needs saving.”

Mark flickered his eyes from mine to other parts of my face, specifically more to my lips. He tugged on my hands, making me take a step closer to him, our chests now touching. Mark slowly brought his face close to mine, our lips brushing as he spoke and having the urge to connect them with its electricity.

“I’ll be me. And it’s fine. I went through all this in hopes that like you said that night, have the world bring us back together. I’m glad my efforts have been paid off.” Mark went closer, rubbing his nose against mine with a soft smile.