Bucket Of Chickn

[lawyer voice] mothers and fuckers of the jury-

DO YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN I THINK ABOUT THIS POST??? IM IN LAW SCHOOL THIS POST IS GOING TO RUIN MY LIFE

i feel so dumb when i get done watching a movie and am like “hm ! i had lots of fun watching that ! i liked it!!” and then curiously check the ratings of the movie i just watched and the reviews are all like “abomination of a movie. horrible mess. worst thing i have EVER seen. spits on the face of ALL cinema.”

Vodka aunt v. Wine mom

one time at a wax museum i thought one of the tour guides was a wax person cuz they were just standing there not moving so i go up to them like “who the fuck is this supposed to be” then they just looked at me and laughed

It will forever haunt me that I cannot share this joke with everyone I meet

Y'all ever just suddenly have the overwhelming urge to swim??? Like not actively but you just wanna,,, be in the water and have some Peace

when i become a serial killer ill leave tapes that have mmm whatcya say in the mouth’s of all my victims

when

we opened at 11 this morning. i watched an old man literally pry the fucking sliding doors open at 10:43 and stand there just staring into the empty store and my coworker & i were like sir. for the love of fuck