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if i look back, i am lost
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@sillysecretwriting

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When the words, "I am the Driver, I am the Shadow, and I am the Hearse" (Matt Maeson, "Mr. Rattlebone") start playing on a loop I know it's time to regroup with my brain 😂. This is my disassociative slimes littol anthem they start singing whenever they start breaking apart from each other into more noticeable seperate versions of me with their own thoughts and feelings. When my brain is managing it's like they make a monster slime and all their individual colors are still visible but they're combined into what is almost mistakable as one entity. But then the depression and PTSD cycles come and everything falls apart and suddenly a random slime is driving my words/actions in real life, the others are shadowing and having their own little thoughts and opinions, and then my body is just along for the ride. PTSD and disassociation is wild 😂
Am I like you?
Do you see the things I see when I close my eyes?
Are you haunted by the people you were, the people you wanted to be, the people who touched you, and the molds you are now?
Or do they meld.
The thunderous whisper of evil desires that creeps out of the doll of you in my head just smoothly sliding and fitting into everything else that you were.
Was the whisper a scream for you, why you chose to listen instead of die, I'll never understand
Did something turn up the volume? Was there a way to go back? I know silence is never going to happen but how was giving into the darkness the choice?
The doll house can hold you and your legacy. You're just plastic now. But I am no doll.
I think I'm going to do a short series on songs which lyrics speak to my neurodivergence. There is no purpose to this other than I have been hyperfixating on this analysis for awhile.
Part 1: Matt Maeson's "Everlasting" in relation to Autism, PTSD, ADHD, and other neurodiversiity
Chosen lyrics:
"Being honest just got you in trouble...
We're all here when you are not present...
We're all here when you're lost to the static
When you act as if you're made for actin'..."
The line "Being honest just got you in trouble..." hits as an autistic person so hard. The amount of times an allistic person has asked me a question and I've responded honestly only to discover they wanted the socially correct answer is endless. I'm horrible at lying and "when [I] act as if [I'm] made for actin'..." the versions of myself that exist are nauseating. I've learned to just refuse to answer if I know my honesty will be misunderstood, but this is still uncomfortable. Sometimes disappearing into the mental abyss is easiest, which the ADHD and PTSD encourage. But these days, I try to hold onto the present so hard and life still feels like it's just slipping past. It's like I'm watching my life from the outside and I can see my partner and loved ones wanting to connect with me, but I'm just standing on the other side of the glass willing my body/brain to wake up again. Maeson's lyrics, "We're all here when you are not present / We're all here when you're lost to the static..." therefore deliver a gut punch.

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One of the weirder parts of being unaware I was autistic for me was that I simultaneously felt different and isolated from other people, and like I had to mask all the time, but I also assumed other people had similar innerworkings and just hid it better than me.
So like l'd come out of an interaction with a socialable NT and think like. Damn. They're a lot better at remembering to make expressions than me, I need to do better.
I felt similar but just got into this weird depression spiral trying to figure out why everyone was being so fake and disingenuine all the time. Like if we're all playing this weird game and it's so tiring and uncomfortable, why on Earth are we doing it?! Turns out I'm just autistic 😂
For some reason each night my chaos mind has decided that it makes more sense to open my disorganized med box (which has multiple empty, a few mislabeled, and a few unused containers from past or back up meds), and shake the bottles to identify which meds are inside instead of just reading the label??? And I'm not even good at it and have to do it for seven medications each night 😂🤦 Like why has this become my habit? I'm well sighted though do have dyslexia so maybe that's part of it but still - Brain - why did you make this choice?
Does anyone else shake their meds to ID them and how good are you at it?

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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It's so weird when you're healing from PTSD that a big part of working through the trauma and making peace with it is that there are large portions of your life that you can only share with your counselor and if you're lucky, maybe a partner and/or close friend. I'm very fortunate to have many lovely people in my support system who know about the PTSD and honour the many other parts of me, but if I joke or talk about it randomly they'll tense up (which is valid, that is how I cope but not how everyone does) and occasionally during flashback periods I just wish the content of that past wasn't so taboo. Like it happened. I don't need my friends to apologize for it or make a big deal of it, they didn't abuse me and cannot fix or change the past and it's wouldn't be their job to anyway. And also, sometimes as a verbal processer I just want this piece to not be hidden and quiet when I'm having flashbacks and bad brain moments because otherwise I feel like I'm existing in this separate world and it's clear that I'm not present or okay, but I also can't be honest because people get uncomfortable. AAHHHHHH (screaming into the void). Healing is hard.
In regards of the Trump government scraping all trans inclusion in its queer information portion of its websites I have made this thing. Spread the word. Don't let them pretend we never existed.
P.S: Don't like! Reblog! <3

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming