Chronic Illness and Cute Animals

When the words, "I am the Driver, I am the Shadow, and I am the Hearse" (Matt Maeson, "Mr. Rattlebone") start playing on a loop I know it's time to regroup with my brain 😂. This is my disassociative slimes littol anthem they start singing whenever they start breaking apart from each other into more noticeable seperate versions of me with their own thoughts and feelings. When my brain is managing it's like they make a monster slime and all their individual colors are still visible but they're combined into what is almost mistakable as one entity. But then the depression and PTSD cycles come and everything falls apart and suddenly a random slime is driving my words/actions in real life, the others are shadowing and having their own little thoughts and opinions, and then my body is just along for the ride. PTSD and disassociation is wild 😂

It's so weird when you're healing from PTSD that a big part of working through the trauma and making peace with it is that there are large portions of your life that you can only share with your counselor and if you're lucky, maybe a partner and/or close friend. I'm very fortunate to have many lovely people in my support system who know about the PTSD and honour the many other parts of me, but if I joke or talk about it randomly they'll tense up (which is valid, that is how I cope but not how everyone does) and occasionally during flashback periods I just wish the content of that past wasn't so taboo. Like it happened. I don't need my friends to apologize for it or make a big deal of it, they didn't abuse me and cannot fix or change the past and it's wouldn't be their job to anyway. And also, sometimes as a verbal processer I just want this piece to not be hidden and quiet when I'm having flashbacks and bad brain moments because otherwise I feel like I'm existing in this separate world and it's clear that I'm not present or okay, but I also can't be honest because people get uncomfortable. AAHHHHHH (screaming into the void). Healing is hard.