♡

— 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐛。

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝

— 𝐳𝐚𝐲𝐧𝐞。

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝

— 𝐬𝐲𝐥𝐮𝐬。

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝

— 𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐥。

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝

— 𝐱𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐫。

— 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐞𝐛。[ 2:45 am. ]

hey. it's me.

i, uh… i know you're sleeping. that's good. i hope it's good. i hope it's peaceful, like you deserve..like the world doesn't have it's claws in someone for once.

i'm still awake. been pacing a little. thought if i sat still long enough it would go away, this feeling in my chest like something's breaking loose, like i left a part of me somewhere and i can't seem to figure out how to get it back. it's stupid. you're not even far. but gods, it feels like miles.. like you're on the other side of the world and i'm talking into a void.

i don't know why it scares me this much. missing you. maybe because it's the first thing that's felt real in a long time. i keep thinking.. what if you don't come back? not because you wouldn't, just… what if something happens? what if i don't get to see you smile again.. or hear you tell me i'm being ridiculous, or fall asleep with your fingers brushing mine like it's nothing?

it's not nothing. you're not nothing. you're everything i was too scared to want until now. and i.. i can't lose you. not even the idea of you. please come back. please be okay. please let me have one more day of this. of you.

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝

— 𝐳𝐚𝐲𝐧𝐞。[ 5:15 am. ]

you're not gonna hear this. you're gonna delete it. or worse, you might listen to it. you always listen, don't you?

i keep checking the door like an idiot. like you're gonna walk through it and say some sarcastic shit to keep me from falling apart.

i miss you. it's pathetic. i miss the way you shove me when i'm being dramatic. the way you look at me like i'm not someone you chose by mistake. like i could be worth staying for.

i didn't think i could miss someone this bad without losing parts of myself. i feel like i'm unraveling. my skin doesn't fit without your hands on me to remind me i'm still here. you keep me here. do you even know that? you breathe and i believe in tomorrow will still arrive.

you make it safe to hope and that terrifies me. if something happens.. if you don't come back.. just… remember i meant it. every word. every touch. i don't say things i don't mean, and you.. you're the one thing i meant more than anything. don't make me learn how to breathe without you. please.

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝

— 𝐬𝐲𝐥𝐮𝐬。[ 1:24 am. ]

you didn't answer…good. just listen.

i'm pacing. again. third night in a row. thought i'd break the habit, but no, still here. still in the same goddamn chair, staring at the same cracks in the wall and wondering if you're warm enough. if you remembered to eat, if you thought of me. how often do you think of me..?

i miss you in ways i can't say out loud when the lights are on. i miss you like hunger, like pain, like fucking worship. you ruined me. do you get that? you came into my life and ripped it open and now nothing fits without you. i sleep on your side of the bed. i drink from your mug.

i still fold your laundry like you'll walk in and roll your eyes at me for doing it wrong, because i always do. you know i do that on purpose, right?

i keep hearing your voice. not in the way people say, like 'oh, i miss the sound'. i mean i hear you. in the emptiness. in my head, narrating my thoughts. in the spaces between songs where silence should be. you echo in me.

if i lose you, i don't come back from it. don't make me live like that. please. come home.

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝

— 𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐥。[ 3:52 am. ]

it's late.

i tried to write. i tried to paint. i tried to drink tea and read the book you left on the nightstand, the one with the folded corner and your ugly sticky notes.. but none of it worked. because none of it has you.

i miss you like a tide misses the moon. how a heart misses rhythm. i ache with it. the world is too still without your laughter, too sharp without your softness.. and i'm scared, love.

i'm scared i'll forget the exact way you feel under my hands or the pattern of your breath in sleep.. the way you say my name like you mean it.

i would tear open the sky to find you again. i would burn down every beautiful thing if it meant hearing you hum off key in the morning.

i don't care if it's selfish. i want you. i need you. come back. please.

── ⟢ ・⸝⸝

— 𝐱𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐫。[ 10:03 pm. ]

hey.

you ever notice how empty a place is when the person you love isn't in it? i didn't. not until tonight. not until i walked into the apartment and didn't hear you muttering about something.

i didn't see your shoes kicked somewhere on the floor.. or feel your arms wrap around me before i could even hang my coat.

it's quiet. too quiet. like the world's trying to teach me what it would be like if i lost you. and i can't.. i don't want to live in a world where your laugh is past tense. where the warmth in your pillowcase fades and never comes back.

i can't kiss your forehead and tell you you're enough.. even when you don't believe it. especially when you don't believe it.