murder me softly

how is everyone else able to bear the immense pain of their subjective experience while composing themself enough to manage the joy of everyday connection. am i just broken. is there something psychologically or developmentally wrong with me. i feel like i should be much smarter. my reaction time to conversation is like a time delay. i think i don’t think enough. i can’t think as deeply as i’d like. i think i’m a depressive narcissist. i am constantly breaking my own heart.

all i see across campus are people hanging out and laughing with their friends, having fun, couples, just life in general. it’s eerily similar to high school where i feel alienated from everything but it’s worse. although i’m a grown man so it’s really my fault, i truly could do anything i want. college is probably my last opportunity as a young adult to be in such close proximity to so many people, resources, and social opportunities. my classes are going well but my personal life is really bad and i’m not doing ok. anyway i’m gonna take a nap now.

hm. i’m like all three characters from the wizard of oz. i desperately need a brain, heart, and courage.

i’m so morrissey coded

shame, my favorite emotion!

i remember in my junior year hs english class my teacher compiled a list of acclaimed novels and made us pick one to read, write a paper on, and present in front of the class. i chose the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy because it sounded cool. i used to love reading growing up but by hs i was so apathetic so i didn’t even read it and i used the internet to write my paper. i remember at the end of my presentation he asked me “did you like it?” and i said no because it was “out there” with all the sci fi stuff but i really just didn’t understand it because i didn’t read it.. looking back i could’ve just bullshitted that i did like it because of its themes of absurdism and the search for meaning so i probably looked like an idiot because he even mentioned my comment about it being “out there” on my paper. if i had given it a chance i think it could’ve impacted me back when i was 17. there were a few astronomy and psychology books i picked up and dropped when i was in my senior year but it wasn’t until my early 20s that i really started reading full books again. non fiction and literary fiction are my main interests and i really want to replace my phone addiction with these sort of books. i have so many unread books on my bookshelf as well as shit i want to read. anyway i’ve had a lil too much chardonnay and i’m talking nonsense🫡