Litany of Dead Dreams

Don't lie to me. I've seen you call each other "brother". I know what you're barely even trying to hide.

He is the happy, well-adjusted, functioning brother I could never be. He is the untarnished, un-ruined brother you never had. And a good thing too! If he had been your brother, you'd have bullied him into total fucking collapse like you did to me.

He's just an escape from your mistakes, isn't he? And I'm a constant reminder of what you did to me.

You'd rather I not exist.

Don't lie to me. You already pretend like I don't exist when I need you.

SHE GETS AN ENTIRE BIRTHDAY BARBEQUE PARTY,

AND I ONLY GET ONE FUCKING CUPCAKE?????

I DON'T EVEN LIKE CINNAMON IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING

I got a burnt cake, and I had to share my birthday with two other people born in the same month. Nobody was cheering for me. There was a child CRYING because she wasn't allowed to cut the cake herself.

What, did you expect me to bend over backwards and feel bad for you? So what if you're going to die a little earlier now? Do you think that's going to make me forgive you?

Hell, I could fix that right now. The problem is that you'll die earlier than me, right? Well, give me a knife, and I'll show you how I can make ME die earlier than you in three simple steps!

I think about it enough to know exactly where to put the knife and how deep to slice through. Do you have any idea how thin the flesh is on your arm? Once the blood starts flowing, it doesn't stop.

Was this what you wanted? To make me feel bad? Do you think I'm this way for fun? That I'm doing this for attention? Do you not fucking believe me when I say that I'm in pain? Because if you don't, you won't be the first one. Hell, you wouldn't even be the third one after our parents.

Everyone believes you have diabetes. Everyone knows you're sick. Everyone believes you have an illness. Everyone believes you. Everyone believes diabetes.

But with me? It's always that I'm fucking lazy. It's always that I'm fucking possessed by a fucking jinn. It's always that I'm addicted to the computer. That I'm useless and refusing to function. It's always that I'm the problem. Every fucking time, it's always that I'm the problem! I'm ALWAYS the problem! Do you have any idea how fucking PAINFUL that is!? That nobody wants to believe that I'm ill and need help? EVERY FUCKING DAY!

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKING PAINFUL EVERYTHING IS!??

I hate you.

I fucking hate you.

I hate that you have a loving family.

I hate that our parents make compromises for your illness and refuse to believe I'm anything but lazy.

I hate how everyone treats you so well, and then tells me I wasted my time fooling around during school.

I hate that it was you that did this to me. That you made me believe I was worth less than rubbish for so long that it has become a permanent part of my identity.

I hate that after you butchered me, you get to be happy.

I hate you. I hate you.

I HATE YOU.

I HOPE YOU DIE A PAINFUL DEATH, ALONE AND UNLOVED.

What do you mean, "Why?" I'm not going. Don't you understand what's going on in my head right now?

I'm suffering, okay? I don't need to go to the wedding. I haven't even seen him in, what, twenty years?

Special day? Oh, so just because of that, I have to be nice and happy and go with it!? Is he ever going to take the time to give a fuck about me, then?

Why do I have to be all happy and smiley for him? Why can't he be unhappy for the bullshit state I'm in instead? I don't have the emotional energy to be happy for him when he's never spent a single second even thinking about me to begin with.

What!?

FUCK YOU. I HOPE HIS MARRIAGE CRUMBLES INTO FETID DUST OVER THE FECES ROTTING UNDERNEATH IT. I HOPE HIS WIFE SUFFERS MISCARRIAGE AFTER MISCARRIAGE. I HOPE THEY SPILL EACH OTHERS BLOOD AND SUFFOCATE ON THEIR OWN INTESTINES. I HOPE THEY BURN AND SCREAM AND SUFFER UNTIL THEY HAVE AN ACCIDENT AND BECOME RETARDED AND BRAIN-DEAD AND UNABLE TO WASH THEIR OWN SHIT-CAKED ASSHOLES. MOTTLE THEIR HAIR AND CURSE THEM. THEIR CELEBRATIONS TO DEATH. NO BLOOD BUT THEIRS ALONE. ||||YGZAVAJTKTALKIT||||

I don't care about him. I hope he falls into a ditch and dies.

In the name of my Lord, the Almighty, the Provider.

Let this word be mine, empowered by You Alone, to last until when You decide it should be broken. Let this seal be unspoken, left unheard and unseen, kept in the secrecy of those You deem fit to know. Let this seal be untouchable save by those You will to touch it. Let there be no curse nor blessing, no challenge nor promise, sworn with it except what You will to be sworn by it. Let no evil nor good escape it except by Your Will alone, for this seal is powerless except by the power You give it. Let no soul be given to this seal, nor taken from it, except by Your Will alone. Let this seal be buried with me, so none can use it except those You will.

Festering is the brood that thrives beneath this seal. Let the brood be kept unknown, separate from the broods of those that run free. Let the brood be kept content, never thirsting for baser needs or higher purpose. Let it serve as it is, whole and in Your Power, bound only to do what You will it.

Let the formative components of this word be: A/GYR + KJATUR + A/KOTA + /L

Let the translation of this word's components be: RESTING (imperative, verb) + DEATH (verb) or KILL (noun) + BOOK (imperative, noun) + CLOSE (verb)

Let the form of this seal be: ADDITIVE + UNSCAR + AGGRAVATIVE + CIVIC

Let the form of this seal's destructive be: ADDITIVE + HEAL + COMPENSATE + CIVIC + SUBTRACTIVE + INDEBT

Let the seal be cured by Your Verses; 94:5-6.