;; fleeting beauty.

It is the Vulcan way.

But then, Spock acknowledges that he has never been a very good Vulcan.

He found existing inside the mess with dozens of other crew members to be — admittedly — taxing, despite accepting an invitation in the first place.

Surely, this was illogical.

They spoke noisily, laughing and smiling and although unbeknownst to them, projecting their thoughts too loudly. Spock does not fault them — humans — however, for what they cannot control. Spock is the only telepath on board, and, he does not believe it necessary to accommodate a single person.

Even — or rather especially — if that individual is himself.

Spock tips his chin slightly. The only concession he will make that his motivations were quite possibly selfish in nature.

He seeks calm. And at this hour, the assailing, oppositional music from the mess reminded him of where else he could find it. The sight of Inara’s dulcimer appeases that thought.

“Perhaps, I could be accused of being hopeful.”

there  are  two  reactions  that  inara  feels  drawn  to,   in  this  moment.   the  first  would  be  the  initial  surprise  that  spock  has  once  more  sought  her  company  of  his  own  volition   –   though  that  sense  of  novelty  is  weakening  with  each  occurrence.   when  they'd  first  met,   back  when  she'd  been  working  planetside,   surely  she'd  never  have  expected  him  to  seek  her  out  like  this...     not  when  he'd  shown  up  at  her  place  of  business  like  the  vulcan  equivalent  of  a  child  sulkily  dragged  there  by  concerned  parents.   they'd  had  good  reason  to  be  concerned.

          this  is  a  pleasantness.

          " then,   shall  i  accuse  you? "   the  companion's  voice  carries  bubbling  laughter  behind  it,   warm  in  its  tone  but  light  in  its  expectations.   " or  should  i  just  take  it  as  a  stroke  of  luck,   on  my  part?   hope  feels  like  such  a  significant  thing,  out  here  in  the  darkness. "

          she  continues  back  into  her  quarters,   not  idling  by  the  door  and  feeling  particularly  assured  that  he'll  close  the  rest  of  the  ship  out  of  their  haven  soon  enough.   while  inara  herself  will  blend  easily  into  almost  any  social  situation,   the  raucous  laughter  of  her  shipmates  over  their  mealtimes  included,   she  too  values  her  own  peace  and  quiet  more  often  than  not.  there  is  a  time  and  a  place  for  boisterous  behaviour;   right  now,   she  craves  something  more  relaxing.

          it's  no  wonder  her  room  is  situated  away  from  the  general  thoroughfares.

          her  dulcimer  is  laid  carefully  into  its  open  case,   and  she  busies  herself  preparing  tea  in  a  cast  iron  pot.   bright  eyes  flit  over  to  him  again  as  she  pours  steaming  water  into  it.   " please,  make  yourself  comfortable.   was  your  day  long?    is  there  something  on  your  mind? "

i  leave  quite  the  impression.

now  i'm  gone  but  you're  still  laying  next  to  me.

i  heard  you're  back  together.

do  you  want  forever?  i  bet  you  do.

all  his  jokes  hit  different  -  guess  who  he  learned  them  from.

you'll  just  have  to  taste  me  when  he's  kissing  you.

every  time  you  close  your  eyes  and  feel  his  lips  you're  feeling  mine.

you  can  have  him  if  you  like,  i've  been  there  done  that  once  or  twice.

it  don't  mean  i  care.

i  know  i've  been  known  to  share.

i  know  i  have  good  judgement,  i  know  i  have  good  taste.

its  funny  and  it's  ironic  that  only  i  feel  that  way.

i  promise  'em  that  you're  different  and  everyone  makes  mistakes.

i  heard  that  you're  an  actor,  so  act  like  a  stand  up  guy.

whatever  devil's  inside  you,  don't  let  him  out  tonight.

please,  please,  please,  don't  prove  i'm  right.

don't  bring  me  to  tears  when  i  just  did  my  makeup  so  nice.

heartbreak  is  one  thing,  my  ego's  another.

i  beg  you,  don't  embarrass  me,  motherfucker.

we  could  live  so  happily  if  no  one  knows  that  you're  with  me.

if  you  wanna  go  and  be  stupid,  don't  do  it  in  front  of  me.

don't  make  me  hate  you  prolifically.

i  won't  give  a  fuck  about  you.

when  i  love  you,  i'm  sweet  like  an  angel.

drawin'  hearts  'round  our  names  and  dreamin'  of  writing  vows.

don't  mistake  my  nice  for  naive.

i  don't  waste  a  second.

it's  not  that  complicated.

you  should  stay  in  my  good  graces.

no  one's  more  amazing  at  turning  loving  into  hatred.

i'll  tell  the  world.

break  my  heart,  and  i  swear  i'm  movin'  on.

want  you  every  second,  don't  need  other  guys.

i  know  you're  not  the  sharpest  tool  in  the  shed.

a  bird  flies  by  and  you  forget.

i  don't  hear  a  word  'til  your  guilt  creeps  in.

we  were  going  right,  then  you  took  a  left.

left  me  with  a  lot  of  shit  to  second  guess.

if  that  was  casual  then  i'm  an  idiot.

i'm  looking  for  an  answer  in  between  the  lines.

lying  to  yourself  if  you  think  we're  fine.

we  never  talk  about  it.

all  the  silence  just  makes  it  worse,  really.

all  the  silence  is  just  your  strategy.

we  never  talk  about  how  you  found  god  at  your  ex's  house.

seems  like  overnight,  i'm  just  the  bitch  you  hate  now.

without  even  being  here,  she's  back  in  your  life.

you've  lost  all  your  common  sense.

what  a  coincidence.

tryna  turn  the  past  into  the  present  tense.

palm  springs  looks  nice,  but  who's  by  your  side?

i  was  in  a  sheer  dress  the  day  that  we  met.

maybe  it's  all  in  my  head.

how  you  talk  so  sweet  when  you're  doing  bad  things.

how  you're  looking  at  me,  yeah,  i  know  what  that  means.

where  art  thou?  why  not  uponeth  me?

see  it  in  my  mind  -  let's  fulfill  the  prophecy.

isn't  that  sweet?  i  guess  so.

i  can't  relate  to  desperation.

you're  so  dumb  and  poetic.

i  am  not  dramatic,  these  are  just  the  thoughts  that  pass  right  through  me.

if  i  can't  have  the  one  i  love,  i  guess  it's  you  that  i'll  be  kissin'

you  make  me  wanna  make  you  fall  in  love.

oh,  late  at  night  i'm  thinkin'  bout  you.

if  you  love  me  right,  then  who  knows?

give  me  more  than  just  some  butterflies.

have  you  ever  tried  this  one?

tell  me  i'm  the  only  one.

don't  say  it  was  just  an  isolated  incident  that  happened  once.

there's  no  need  to  pretend.

i've  never  seen  an  ugly  truth  that  i  can't  bend.

i  can  make  a  shit  show  look  a  whole  lot  like  forever.

all  of  your  best  excuses,  no,  they  don't  stand  a  chance.

you're  supposed  to  think  about  me  every  time  you  hold  her.

i  want  you  to  miss  me.

the  clock  is  tickin'  lately,  i  guess  that  means  i'm  doin'  somethin'  right.

i  hope  i  make  it  through  the  night.

where  did  all  these  parties  come  from?

what  i'd  give  to  be  meeting  you  as  the  glass-half-full  version  of  me.

i  couldn't  make  it  any  harder  to  love  me.

i'm  so  mature,  collected,  and  senseible.

to  turn  me  down,  well,  that's  just  unethical.

i'll  turn  into  someone  you're  scared  to  know.

if  you  don't  need  my  love  -  i  didn't  want  your  little  bitch-ass  anyway.

if  you  want  my  kisses,  i'll  be  your  perfect  mrs.  'til  the  day  that  one  of  us  dies.

Could be romantic, playfull anything you want.

Watching the trees a moment longer, Spock suspects that whatever they say they might find there — come to life from the tales of old souls and burdened hearts — should frighten, or perhaps, intimidate him, more than it does.

But put simply, he has only heard them through rumor, the eager mouths of the crew pouring over whispers and ancient text. Looking back at Inara, he wonders if she is given to such things: fear of the shadows, monsters conjured by imagination and only partial truth.

A metaphor, or ruse to deter newcomers most likely. As it is, there is no logic in blind belief without proof.

He nods, “Affirmative.”

Then tilts his head slightly, more thoughtful than anything else, “They speak of sadness. And anger. Lights and shadows that would lure burdened souls out into the darkness, a heavy heart to be devoured, salted by tears.”

A poetic demise.

“The translations have been rather imaginative.”

inara  is  not  generally  lent  to  blind  superstition;   she  counts  herself  as  spiritual,   but  the  existence  of  monsters  and  ghosts  is  outside  of  her  own  belief  system.   what  she'd  say  she  fears  are  topics  set  in  reality   —   war,   broken  trust,   loss.   yet  now  when  spock  speaks,   she  feels  a  sense  of  dread  creeping  in,   eyes  searching  the  enveloping  dark  in  the  distance.   

          “ ...  it  sounds  reminiscent  of  depression. ”

          her  mind  grasps  at  her  working  knowledge,   finding  solace  in  logical  explanation.   “ folktales  are  often  warnings,   moral  lessons,   or  attempts  to  explain  the  unexplainable.   to  a  mind  weighed  down  so  heavily,   perhaps  the  night  sky  and  the  silence  might  feel  comforting;   social  isolation  isn't  uncommon,   or  maybe  there's  appeal  in  sensory  deprivation.   what  do  we  know  about  the  day/night  cycle,   here..? ”

          she  imagines  it's  like  when  people  carry  out  paradoxical  undressing  when  suffering  from  hypothermia   ( the physical  condition  isn't  within  her  purview  as  a  psychological  worker,   but  incongruous  behaviours  exist  well  within  her  specialism ).   while  a  person  of  sound  mind  would  know  that  to  walk  off  into  the  unknown  would  be  reckless  and  dangerous,   an  unsound  mind  finds  it  appealing.

          dark  curls  spill  about  inara's  shoulders  as  she  turns  her  head,   looking  about  the  stretch  of  ground  and  trying  to  imagine  how  it  may  seem  so  enticing  to  a  troubled  individual   —   but  then  she  brings  her  attention  back  to  spock,   and  offers  a  reasonable  smile.   “ or  perhaps  it's  just  a  story.   i'd  like  to  hear  the  locals'  explanations,   if  we  ever  get  them. ”

Despite himself, Jim laughs over the rim of his glass — bourbon. The ice clinks against the glass where it falters, though he'd been intent on finally taking a sip. Effectively, Inara had managed to lower his guard where it had raised at her appearance. The flirtatious banter was neither new nor unwelcome.

she  feigns  offence  only  briefly,   playful  in  her  pouting,   “ what's  that  supposed  to  mean  —  you  shouldn't  be  surprised? ”   then  the  pretense  drops  as  quickly  as  it  had  appeared;   they  have  a  history  of  miscommunication  on  this  topic,   and  they're  not  about  to  have  another  on  her  watch.   “ perhaps  you  will  be  surprised.   that  sort  of  thing  is  fun  in  its  own  right,   but  i  think  you'd  maybe  find  my  own  tastes  a  little  more…   ordinary. ”

          inara  lingers  on  a  sip  of  her  cocktail,   letting  it  wash  about  her  mouth  as  a  mixture  of  sweet  and  tart,   with  a  gentle  burn  at  her  throat.   her  lack  of  further  explanation  hangs  in  the  air  between   them.

“  where do you get your hope?  what keeps you going during all this?  ”

“  you know,  sometimes you don’t have to find the answers.  i think it can be enough to just admit you’re lost.  for now.  ”

“  sometimes,  i don’t feel like i’m real.  not unless i’m hurting in some way.  it’s not like i want to be in pain,  but i’m just so used to it.  i dunno what to do without it anymore.  ”

“  i just keep hoping that one day i’ll have something else motivating me— something more than stubbornness or spite. i wanna feel like i’m living.  ”

“  i learned the only thing i can believe in is me.  i have faith in myself.  that’s how i survived.  ”

“  i hope you know i’m proud of you.  i’ve seen how hard you’ve been fighting to get where you are.  you might feel stuck,  but you’re not.  you’ve come so far.  ”  

“   when i told you i loved you,  you know i meant that right?  i’m not talking just about all those warm feelings.  i’m talking about putting in the work.  i’m here to stay for the hard parts,  not just the pretty ones.  ”

“   you don’t have to find the perfect words,  just tell me what you’re feeling.  i’m here to listen.  ”  

“  you don’t have to carry it all.  humans aren’t made to be solitary creatures.  i want to help.  all you have to do is ask.  ”  

 “  i know i haven’t always been there in the past,  but i’m here now.  i’m trying.  please,  just let me in.  ”

“  i still care about you,  you know.  i could never stop caring about you.  but we were both drowning.  and one of us had to get out eventually.  ” 

“  i think you’re still my person.  and i’m hoping maybe one day,  i can be yours again too.  ”

“  i’ll still be here when you need me.  that will never change.  ”  

“  i love you.  but i can’t keep watching you destroy yourself.  i can’t sit here and watch that anymore.  it hurts too much.  ”  

“  i already forgave you.  so why can’t you forgive yourself?  ” 

“  it’s not about what you think you do or don’t deserve.  i get to choose who to love.  i’m an adult.  and i can make that decision.  so i’m here to stay.  i’m in this.  ”  

 “  if we’re going to do this again,  you have to promise it will be different.  you have to show me that you’re ready this time.  ” 

“   i don’t know how to make you believe that i can make us work again.  but i’m not going to give up.  i did that once and—  well,  i’m standing here again because it was the wrong choice.  give us another chance.  ” 

“  i’m lost without you.  and i’m not asking you to fix me or be something you’re not.  i’m just asking you to keep being the lighthouse you are just by being you.   and let me be guide myself by it.  ”  

 “   i’ve never been very good at letting go.  and now i feel like there’s too many burdens i’m holding on to and i don’t know how to get rid of them anymore.  ”  

“  why do you feel like you need to punish yourself so much?  ”

“  why do you keep saying that?  you’re not alone.  i’m standing right here.  ”

if you love me, you don’t love me in a way i understand.

there are so many things i’m not allowed to tell you.

you say ‘i’ll give you anything,’ but you never come through.

please, for just one night, will you lie down next to me?

you wanted happiness. i can’t blame you for that.

i owe you, i owe you everything.

tell me you love this, tell me you’re not miserable.

you didn’t show up. i kept waiting.

why take more than we need? because we can.

i want to explain myself to myself in an understandable way.

people like to think war means something.

you are here, you are here, you’re still right here.

sorry about how i ruined everything by saying it out loud.

will you defend yourself?

let’s not talk about it, let’s just not talk.

how much can you change and get away with it, before you turn into someone else, before it’s some kind of murder?

i ran and i knew you wouldn’t catch me.

when you have nothing to say, set something on fire.

you still get to be the hero.

tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us.

i’m bleeding, i’m not just making conversation.

eventually something you love is going to be taken away. 

you want a better story. who wouldn’t?

i hope it’s love. i’m trying really hard to make it love.

we are not dirty.

i will come back from the dead for you.

you are a fever i’m learning to live with.

do you want to go home now?

there’s nowhere to go.

i’d rather quit. i’d rather be sad.

unfortunately, we don’t have that kind of time.

you take the things you love and tear them apart.

there is no way to make this story interesting.

i don’t think i can take this much longer.

do you love yourself? 

sorry about the blood in your mouth. i wish it was mine.

even when i look away i am still looking.

i think i need to do this alone.

what more do you want?

you saved my life.

someone has to leave first.

i swear, i end up feeling empty, like you’ve taken something out of me.

will you love me even more when i’m dead?