Chasing the Dragon.

And the hits just keep on comin. Our storage unit in our apartment building was broken into. They stole all of my artsy fancy bongs. The lexapro is working so well that I can’t even cry about it so…like…that’s good? I feel like this is cry worthy but I can’t make any tears, I can’t think myself into a breakdown and it’s weird. It’s always times like these where I think how I would have handled it before meds. “Not well BITCH!” (iykyk) anywaysssss my partner had a really hard time with the whole situation. He’s super stressed over work and getting a promotion and this was the last straw. He had a good cry and I was so jealous. Must be nice to get it all out. I’m bummed the glass is gone. That was such a big part of my 20’s. At the same time I’m kinda relieved that it’s gone. Now I’m even farther away from that connection to San Diego and Green-I. Freeing. Sad that it’s all gone forever but they were just things and things that were taking up unnecessary space in my heart and mind. It’s time to let it go. This is just like the time that slime ball Omar threw all of my cool thrifted clothes in the dumpster because he was mad at me. Isn’t it strange how the body holds onto those feelings and your brain is just like yeah we’ve been here before. Hahahahahahahahhaa I’m laughing because I’m sad. Okay bye now.

I’m going into this year giving a lot less fucks about what people think. Mainly people that I’ve been letting step all over me for years. I’ve already confronted my parents, my brothers and now I tackled my partners cousin. He’s an only child so cousins are like siblings to him. This one in particular welcomed me into the family and made me feel like we were friends until they moved out here with their girlfriend. It’s weird like she’ll go behind our back and fly his mom out here without even letting us know when she’ll be in town. Or host thanksgiving dinner down the street from us and not even throw us a pity invite. Part of me feels like I should stay in my lane and not get in the middle of their family dynamic but it’s also like…I’m marrying into this dysfunction. Anyways, we’re going to San Diego in two weeks and I’m looking forward to having some conversations in person like with my sister in law who also treated me like I was disposable. Therapy working sometimes feels like weight loss. Like you never notice how much you’re actually losing till clothes don’t fit. Same with therapy you never know how much work you’re actually doing till things don’t feel the same but in the best ways imaginable.

You know you’re getting old when you throw your back out from sleeping on a different mattress. My boo and I went on a lil staycation up north from us and had a blast! It was so relaxing and lovely to be in a new place surrounded by nature and just alone. The day we got home we went out to dinner and had some drinks. Then when we got home we ended up doing some party favors that our friend had given us a few months ago and it was a good time, until I woke up in the most excruciating sciatica pain. I haven’t had a flare up like this in years I’m really out of the game. O went back to work today so I’m single dog mom for the afternoon and my god all of the bending these dogs need from me is wild. I did some TikTok stretches/muscle release techniques and I’m feeling a little better but this is day three and I’m ready to be back to normal. Luckily I’m on pto right now so I have some time to heal before going back to the grind. That would suck having to call out after being gone for more than a week. I’m praying the pain subsides enough to check out the holiday market tonight.

My therapist said posting on tumblr again could be good for me. Hi, here I am… posting into the void again. I’m not sure what to write about or what’s worth mentioning after such a long time has passed. I’m still working at the bakery making bread and pastries and baking. I’m pretty happy about it and really love the people I work with. We unionized last year and since then it’s been so much better. It feels more organized. I’m getting paid really good money for the hard work that I do and it feels really fair. I’ve been making friends and it’s been…interesting…. Better than isolating but strange getting back out there in my 30’s. I’m meeting people in their 20’s and some ten years older than me. It’s fun feeling like I’m in the middle of those age ranges and it’s exciting and still stable. We’re still not married but this year has been the best and most healthy we’ve been in our relationship and that feels so safe and strong. I don’t mind the wait. The biological clock is pounding but I’m still healing so much trauma that bringing a baby into the middle of it wouldn’t be fair to them. I can’t wait to give them a stable and supportive home in five years. Well that’s all for now.

I work with this guy that I cannot fucking stand! He’s the worst. He’s so lazy and thinks he’s so cool and original…it’s exhausting! He’s already quitting because he’s starting a pizza company and wants to focus on that, that’s chill as fuck! If he wasn’t so insufferable! I truly can’t stand him. I’m counting down the days till he’s gone.

You ever just think about your past and go,”oh…that’s nice…oh, oh no wtf stahp” and have to try and close the thought browser as fast as you can?