Chasing the Dragon.

God he’s such a wiener. He constantly makes me feel like the scene in Finding Nemo where Nemo looks down to swim away from Marlin and just goes “I hate you…”

Anyways, I blocked him. I blocked him and his wife and their friends….on everything.

It’s been a week and it still feels sad. I’m really sad that it took me so long to stand up for myself and that when I finally did everything exploded.

Since growing a backbone this year I’ve exploded a lot of relationships over things that happened in the past. That’s probably not the best strategy for trying out my newly discovered spine, but in my defense in all those situations I was made to feel small and invisible and I let it slide. Frustrating. So unseen and so hurt.

So this new part of me wants to be taken seriously and seen for who I am and I think by bringing up past times that I was overlooked maybe I was trying to give myself a second chance to prove that I can show up. At this point I don’t want to fix my relationship with my brother. I’ve spent our entire lives begging for his acceptance and always being pushed aside. Deep down it feels like the right thing to do is take time apart but on the surface it hurts.

And maybe that’s my problem. Maybe taking care of this man in my life is killing me. Maybe it’s holding me back and maybe what I really need is to take care of myself and grow up.

One time in high school I remember this bully saying to me “you only talk about it, but you’ll never be about it” and it’s so lame right but ya know she had a point there. I’m always looking at what could be but never take the steps to get it, I’m all talk. I can see two roads infront of me or whatever Jack Frost said about them diverging in a wood.

I’m so sexually frustrated I’m going to explode. I’m so bored with my sex life and the partner I’m tying myself to. I’m so bored with feeling stuck but content is that even a thing? Ughhhh all I can think about is how there’s a million trillion men out there with normal size weiners but I found the outlier. And you can’t talk about those things right? Like I can’t just casually bring up to my girlfriends that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in all facets of my life except the bedroom because I’m working with literally close to nothing and that’s something that will never change. No matter how much therapy and lexapro he takes we can’t change that and I’m like…I just want to get fucked like really fucked and that’s not a possibility. I can’t stay here for the next 40 years. I can’t stay here another 5 or 10 because I’m scared.

I’m not even scared, to be completely honest with you, internet void. I’m scared to hurt him and have to face the consequences of my decision sure…. But like you’re always one step away from changing your life type of thing yaddah yaddah something profound or whatever. I guess I don’t want to face the reality of what breaking up looks like. I want to fast forward to being alone without having to go through the hard part. Maybe it’s all the hard part and that’s the catch.

My sister in law is a twat.

It always amazes me how some people are incapable of saying sorry. Like as if when they say it somehow that would hurt them. I got to a point in my healing journey late last year where I was sick of people using me for emotional labor. I’m not a therapist and even though I love being there for my family when they need me I also can’t hold their problems/pain on top of dealing with my own bullshit. My sister in law is the type to only talk about herself when you call. The type that doesn’t ask you questions about your life/day in a conversation and always finds a way to bring it back to her. She would argue with her friends or my brother then call me or FaceTime me to gab about it/talk a bunch of shit about them then go back to being besties with them like nothing ever happened. All the while I’m left holding all the negative energy she needed to vent out in that moment. So okay, when she married my brother she planned her wedding to be two days before my birthday…I really tried to be cool about it and like whatever it’s just a day(but inside it’s like my bday means a lot me as a middle child that never got any solo attention…so this crushed me). Especially when she rubbed salt in the wound by saying nothing important happens in that month anyways. So I stuffed that one down and kept it moving because maybe they’d come around one day and be like hey sorry we made this all about us. Years go by at this point of just a one sided friendship. Me calling, me flying down to see them, me providing advice and listening to rants about how she’s the victim in every situation known to man. It got exhausting. The last straw was last year I got invited to a mutual friends wedding. My SIL hyped me up about flying down and having a great time all together at this wedding. She was one of the bridesmaids and my brother was also in the wedding so my SO and I made the effort and took the time off of work to go down. Now this part is a lesson for me in when you don’t have the means to travel and go to a wedding then don’t go. We didn’t have the cash to do this trip but it was the first wedding we were invited to and we were excited about spending time with my brother so we charged it on our credit cards and did the trip. Ugh. The wedding was so nice…except for the part where my SIL ignored us the entire time. We tried to have a drink with my brother she pulled him away, we tried to sit with them at dinner and they shooed us away to have some kids sit in those seats. It hurt so bad. It was big you can’t sit with us vibe. Gross. The whole reason we went down was to have a good time at this wedding and we couldn’t even take a shot together. I don’t have one picture of us at the wedding at all. It’s a bummer. So that’s when I quietly decided that I was done being a doormat for her. I was like well if I stop calling surely she’ll call me right? Right? Ha, nope. Nada. Eventually it turned into a family rumor right like oh Sierra doesn’t want to talk to her or she did something to Sierra so they’re not talking.

Around this time Charlie Kirk death happened and my brother went full on maga on Instagram and so he and I got into an argument and stopped talking. A few months pass and it’s the holidays and I’m like okay I have shit to send my nephews I want to squash this beef and have a good Xmas. So I call him and we squash it whatever he says I need to talk to his wife and that her and I need to make up. I’m like sure she can text me or call me my numbers never changed. She sends a weakass hey text, that’s it just hey. I don’t respond bc say something worth reading. We don’t talk. Last night our mutual friend posts a pic with her my SIL my brother and nephew at a wedding. I message my SIL and say hey nice picture see how you hungout with them at this wedding and got a pic together? That’s all I was hoping for last year. She doesn’t like this. Says I need to get over it and she has nothing to apologize for.

Look, sure I’m being petty, but I’m tired of taking it like I’m invisible. As if things don’t hurt me and people are allowed to treat me like I don’t exist especially someone that obviously does see me when she needs to spill her emotions.