SiD sQuArE-eYeS

Alright, humes? Yeah, I did think about watching The Secret Life of the Cat on BBC Two this evening. But I soon realised there was nothing the programme could tell me that I didn't already know. So I decided to broaden my mind by tuning in for the Big Brother opener on Channel 5 instead. It was Emma Willis's first night at the helm since Brian Dowling landed the presenting gig on Newsnight*. The poor love seemed breathless with excitement as she gave us the tour of the new eco-friendly house. "Look - onions!" she gasped, pointing frantically at the vegetable garden. There was no way anyone in their right mind could bring themselves to switch over to BBC Two after that. Anyway, Big Brother's big secret is that one of the new housemates, Michael the postman, isn't really a postman. He's actually the people's muppet - sorry, puppet - and he's been planted there to stir things up. What japes! So far, he's had everyone's suitcases shredded. Or so they think. I can't wait to find out what he does next**. The other housemates comprise: twins Jack and Joe, who work in a supermarket and sometimes go to a carvery (you've got to have a gimmick, folks); cast-iron nuisance Sallie ("Tits, tats and beanie hats - that's me!"); some silly old bird called Jemima; Barbie's boyfriend Ken pretending to be called Callum; "hardcore lesbian fish-woman" Wolfy (yawn); stockroom assistant Sam, who has hearing difficulties; East End girl Sophie ("I'm not a spoilt brat but I can be a spoilt brat"); and a prize pillock called Dexter. They're putting six more in tomorrow. Sometimes, humes, I fear for the future of mankind. Maybe I shouldn't watch so much telly... *Not really. **Ditto. Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? I'd be the first to admit I'm not the cleverest cat in the world - despite the many hours I spend poring over encyclopedias, as pictured above. But I like to console myself with the fact that it's not considered cool to be clever nowadays. Show me a bright kid and I'll show you a tortured soul who's constantly mocked by his peers and pushed by his parents. Honestly - life's a whole lot easier when you're as thick as two short planks. Take the kids in Channel 4's Child Genius - who are all taking part in a new Mensa competition to find Britain's brainiest child. The contenders? Well, there's Hugo, who's a really keen trainspotter and not-so-keen trumpet-player. Then there's chess prodigy Josh, whose mum describes herself as "part-mother, part-manager", and runs several websites about her son's talents. (How I longed for Josh to turn round and tell her to "chill the f*** out".) However, my favourite contestant was Shrinidi - twice-crowned Scrabble champion and author of four published novels before the age of 12. Shrinidi loves the smell of books, but sometimes finds their titles a little misleading. "50 Shades of Grey," she pondered. "You read it and find out it's nothing at all to do with grey. It's really confusing." Now, I'm not saying these children weren't happy or blessed to be super-intelligent. All the same, life seemed pretty stressful for them. It made my head hurt just to watch them attempt complicated sums and logic puzzles in front of a roomful of Mensa officials, pushy parents and TV cameras. Take my advice, kids: don't forget to stop and smell the roses. Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? You know, I've always thought of myself as a bit of a gypsy. I go where I please, I do what I want - and I look rather dapper in an OTT wedding get-up. (I'm not sure I've chosen the right shade of lipstick for today's photograph, though. A coral pink would have been more flattering. Still, you live and learn.) Because of my "traveller leanings", I felt a certain degree of empathy with the clan in tonight's Big Fat Gypsy Weddings: Life on the Run. The cameras followed a group of seven families as they travelled from place to place in a massive convoy for a year - pitching up in public parks, where they risked the wrath of local residents and officials. I know how they feel. I'm never welcome when I nip next-door for a poo in the flowerbed. Of course, this being Big Fat Gypsy Weddings, we were also treated to a look at yet another wedding. Helen was marrying David three months after "meeting" him on  BlackBerry Messenger. (Don't young humes ever just get off with one another in pubs any more?) Shortly after the wedding scene, I briefly became distracted by a pigeon's ugly fizzog looking through our lounge window. When I turned back to the telly, Helen was expecting twins. Blimey! These travellers are fast movers. But that's not all! We also got to follow a "big fat gypsy" called Jimmy as he tried to swap his caravan for a nice family home and underwent gastric band surgery. See? Channel 4 certainly make sure they've got all bases covered with these documentaries. Whether you like graphic medical scenes, property-hunting or fancy frocks, there's something for everyone! Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? Like my 'tache? I felt inspired to give it a try when I heard that Poirot was returning to ITV1. Yep, everyone's favourite Belgian detective is back for one final series before he puts away his case book, hangs up his bow tie and... er... does whatever else Belgian detectives do when they retire. (Don't ask me. I never claimed to be an expert on these things.) Tonight's two-hour episode - Elephants Can Remember - saw David Suchet's Poirot reunited with his old mate Ariadne Oliver (Zoe Wanawanawanamaker), who'd taken it upon herself to uncover the truth behind two decade-old deaths. Was it double murder or a suicide pact? Poirot himself was initially otherwise engaged in solving the grisly murder of an elderly psychiatrist. Ah, these oldies certainly know how to have fun, don't they? But before too long - what do you know? - it became clear that the two crimes were connected, so Poirot and Ariadne joined forces. Points to note? I was pretty disheartened when the pair were helped in their investigations by a know-it-all dog. Honestly - why is it always mangy mutts that take centre-stage in these programmes? A cat like me could easily have provided the same assistance - if the price was right, of course. On a brighter note, it was nice to see Iain Glen show up as the dead psychiatrist's son. To be clear, there was nothing very remarkable about his performance - but at least he got to say a few juicy lines for once. It must have made a pleasant change from muttering monotone sentences such as "The Dothraki are a very proud people, Khaleesi" in Game of Thrones. Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? Ha! Look at me, photo-bombing David Walliams. He didn't have a clue I was there. But I'm hoping he'll look at this picture in years to come and feel inspired to front a fantastic telly programme in which he traces me to a luxury feline retirement home somewhere on the Costa Brava. Then we can have a nice old chat about the good old days. Looking forward to it, Dave! Anyway, tonight's one-off David Walliams: Snapshot in Time on ITV1 saw dapper Dave set out to catch up with his co-stars from a school production of All the King's Men (nope, me neither). It was during this performance that the future Britain's Got Talent judge and much-loved lady-boy realised he could make people laugh. And looking at a photo from the play photo 30 years later, he decided it was time to track down the old gang. Rather than have a quick trawl on Facebook, though, David trundled back to Reigate Grammar School for a love-in with his old teachers. He then called on the alumni team (yeah, it was the kind of school that has an alumni team) to help him identify the other five pre-teen thespians from the photo. Then he popped round his mum's house for a chat about how being in the school play had helped him get into acting. (No s***, Sherlock!) Next came a get-together with his best friend, who's now a BBC director - at which point I was starting to drum my claws on the coffee table with frustration. And - finally - he got round to locating the five fellas from the photo, who turned out to be scattered all over the globe. So what did we learn from all this? Kids grow up to do different things. Just fancy that! Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? Don't worry - I haven't landed a responsible new job as a lollipop cat. I've merely dressed up in all the clobber in tribute to Pauline Paradise, who retired from lollipop duties in the opening scenes of ITV1's Love and Marriage. Pauline - who's played by Gavin's mum off Gavin & Stacey - was a bit gutted that none of her family seemed to give a monkey's about this momentous occasion. In fact, by the end of the episode, she was so fed up, she'd disowned them all and left home. Blimey! Touchy or what? Part of Pauline's problem stemmed from her husband, Silent Ken - who barely uttered a word throughout the entire show. At first, I felt a lot of empathy with Ken. I always relate to humes who prefer to sit quietly instead of jibber-jabbering all the time. I mind my own business, and I'll thank everyone else to mind theirs, thank you very much. All the same, Ken was a bit too quiet - even for my tastes - so I can kind of see why Pauline might prefer to hang round with someone a tad more communicative. For now, she's moved in with her sister Rowan (Celia Imrie), who's married to Gavin's dad off Gavin & Stacey. (Hang on! Isn't that a bit weird?) But she's also embroiled in a mild flirtation with widower Peter, who's been trying to woo her with Dylan Thomas poems. Meanwhile, the rest of the Paradise brood have various problems of their own. Some examples? Son Kevin has turned to crime in a bid to solve his money woes. Bad Kevin! And daughter Heather is trying for a baby but not having much luck. (There's always someone trying for a baby and not having much luck in these dramas, isn't there?) Oh, and poor old Granddad fell out of a hammock and didn't even make it as far as the end credits. Never mind, mate - I reckon you're better off out of it... Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? Sorry - what's that? You want to know how I won my medals? Oops - silly me! I didn't realise I was still wearing them. I've never been one to brag, but since you ask... The one on the left was for rescuing a toy mouse from behind the sofa, the one in the middle was for battling off a mangy moggy that came over the border from Beckenham and the one on the right was for coming third in a Sharon-off-EastEnders lookalike contest. Anyway, the reason I dug out my medals tonight was to ensure I wouldn't feel too left out while watching ITV1's Animal Heroes. This new three-parter focuses on the four-legged helpers who work alongside British service men and women across the world. You probably won't be too surprised to learn that the armed forces tend to favour horses and dogs over cats like myself. Personally, I think they're missing a trick, though. Surely we'd be the perfect choice to sneak behind enemy lines and poo in their flowerbeds. Now, I'm not normally a big pooch fan - but credit where credit's due. I was pretty impressed with the protection dogs like Sawyer and Molly who help search out hidden explosives and drugs. And maximum respect to Ronnie-the-spaniel who injured his paw when he stepped on something sharp during night-time patrol in Afghanistan. Still, I'm sure he'll get plenty of TLC from concerned lady-dogs when he shows them his old war wound back in Blighty. Make the most of it, mate! Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes?  As you may have noticed, I've been getting quite a lot of wear out of this snazzy blonde wig recently. Just the other week, I wore it in honour of Sharon off EastEnders. And tonight I'm giving it an airing in order to impersonate Gemma from TOWIE. Well, I had to mark the show's return somehow - and shoving an old syrup on my head just seemed far less hassle than going for a spray-tan or vajazzle. Anyway, tonight's series opener saw our heroes decamp from Essex to Marbella. Not everyone went straight to the beach, though. Gemma headed up a mountain to "find herself" - but soon had second thoughts when all she found was Bobby having a colonic. As has now become traditional, the episode later featured a scene in which Gemma responded to a clumsy pass from Arg by bursting into tears then telling him she was over him. Don't you remember, Arg? You ain't ever gonna get this candy. Meanwhile, Mario and Lucy both attempted to get over their recent break-up by going on holiday to exactly the same resort, sitting 10ft apart and scowling at one another all the time. As you do. Lucy was convinced Mario had hooked up with Jasmin - but it transpired he'd actually worked his unfathomable magic on Beth-from-Norwich who once came second in the Miss Universe contest. You've gotta have a gimmick, girls! But Beth wasn't the only new character to pop up tonight. We were also introduced to hotshot club promoter/full-of-himself berk Wayne Lineker. (And yes, he is Gary's brother.) Wayne wasted no time in asking Lauren P out for dinner then got in a right old mood when she brought Chloe along, too. One man's fantasy is another man's nightmare, obviously. "You're not my type," he told Chloe - which must have been a blessed relief for her. In other news, it looks like the writing's on the wall for Sam and Joey because she won't let him have a pet monkey. Now, I'm normally on Team Joey, but I have to agree with Sam on this one. Why bother with a mangy monkey when you could have a handsome cat like me? Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? Ever get the feeling you're surrounded by lemmings? I certainly do. Not actual "lemmings", you understand - they're practically extinct in Penge nowadays - but their hume equivalent. Yep, you lot all like to believe you're individuals. But - no offence! - you're really just a bunch of hairy little nuisances who all think and act the same way. And if you don't believe me, just ask Jamie Oliver's mate Jimmy Doherty. (Well, who else would you ask?) In Channel 4's Human Swarm, Jimmy put forward the theory that humes tend to move like a herd of animals. You all respond in a similar way to the slightest change in the weather, plus you leave behind a "mountain of data" in the form of Google searches, shopping bills and social media posts. By analysing this data and keeping an eye on the weather forecast, sinister boffins are able to monitor, predict and manipulate your actions. Want an example? Well, when the weather's cold, you crave porridge. Don't say you don't: Jimmy's got the data to back this up. So you look at lots of pictures of porridge online, buy a s**t-load of porridge using your credit card, then post on Facebook, saying stuff like: "Just had some porridge. Might have some more later". All your mates see your status update and start craving porridge, too. The result? It's porridge-mania! (Er... I think I'm understanding this correctly.) Apparently, sales of cat litter go up when it's raining as we moggies tend to use our inside loos instead of getting wet. Yeah, whatever. But aside from that, I'd argue that cats like me are undeniably true individuals. You'll get no swarm-like behaviour or vast data trails from us. The only thing I leave behind are a few muddy paw-prints, the occasional poo and a series of insightful comments about whatever I've been watching on telly... Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? Let's be Frank. (See what I did there?) Shameless has become a shadow of its former self over recent years. Of course, I wasn't even a twinkle in the local promiscuous tomcat's eye when it first aired - but my humes tell me it lost its sparkle when Fiona (Anne-Marie Duff) upped and left in series two. So imagine how chuffed we all were when Fiona reappeared in tonight's last-ever episode - summoned back to the Chatsworth Estate by attention-seeking mum Monica to attend the funeral of an aborted foetus. (Yep, they were keeping it classy right to the end.) With Frank out of prison - and Lip, Carl and Stella in attendance, too - it was almost an emotional family reunion. Sadly, the other Gallagher kids - Ian, Debbie and Liam - couldn't make it. But it's doubtful whether Frank would have noticed their absence anyway. Challenged by Yvonne-from-the-shop to name all his children without hesitation, he fell at the first hurdle: "Let's see now - there's... er..." And now there's one more name to forget - the surviving baby brother of the aforementioned aborted foetus, who was born in The Jockey shortly after Frank left prison. At one point, Fiona plotted to take Stella and the baby to live with her. But to cut a long story short, it now seems they're staying put - after Lip pointed out that, despite being Frank's kids themselves, they'd all turned out OK. So then everyone went to the pub, got drunk, did some rubbish dancing and set fire to a car. And they all lived happily ever after... Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? Tsk - I knew from the start no good would come of Coronation Street's surrogate baby storyline. Remember, humes: it's never the best idea to offer to carry a child for the on-the-edge couple who live a few doors away, no matter how hard-up you are. OK, I know Tina was probably only trying to be neighbourly, but there are limits. So to recap on recent events... A couple of weeks ago, father-to-be Gary made a clumsy pass at the heavily pregnant Tina, which she quickly rebuffed. This being a soap opera, no attempt at a pass - clumsy or otherwise - could go undiscovered, so tonight's episode saw Izzy find out about her partner's indiscretion moments before Tina went into premature labour. Ah, there's never a dull moment, is there? I've had a quick look through the listings, and the histrionics look set to continue for the rest of the week - with dramatic childbirth scenes, relationship meltdowns and the fallout from the triumphant return of Tommy Duckworth. (Altogether now: "He's coming home! He's coming home! He's coming... Tommy's coming home!") Naturally, Tina looks set to bond with the baby and soon has second thoughts about giving him up. Well, it was bound to happen, wasn't it? Like I said, I could have told her that from the start. Anyway, I've done my best to welcome Weatherfield's imminent new arrival by doing a half-arsed "hume baby" impression in the picture above. Basically, I've jumped in a pram and parked myself outside the Rovers. I did briefly toy with the idea of wearing a bonnet and sucking a dummy, too, but - funnily enough - they made me look a bit soppy... Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? I have every sympathy with humes who say they're fat because of their genes. I've had a few weight problems myself over the years - and it's no fun at all when the pounds won't shift, even when you're fed nothing but overpriced feline diet food. Once, I even had to suffer the indignity of my female hume setting up a pointless cat-gymkhana in the living room to "encourage" me to exercise. Naturally, I ignored the whole charade. Anyway, I digress... That nice Dr Dawn from Embarrassing Bodies is now fronting Channel 4's Fat Family Tree - in which she unlocks the secrets of a fat family's genes. In tonight's show, the McConnons from Stevenage underwent a unique DNA test and discovered their genes really could be to blame for their weight woes. Apparently, they're pre-programmed to prefer the taste of fat, not realise when they're full-up and store excess pounds around their tummies. Poor lambs. So once they knew this, what could they do about it? The ever-enthusiastic Dr Dawn had plenty of ideas - which she dressed up as "INTRIGUING experiments" and "ASTONISHING findings". (Alright, love - calm down.) Some examples? Drinks contain calories, too. It helps if you exercise. And white toast doesn't quash your hunger pangs as much as pumpernickel bread. (Heading for the bread bin, humes? Think once. Think twice. Think pumpernickel.) Convinced you've heard all this healthy eating advice before? Yeah - me, too. And I couldn't really see how knowing this stuff addressed the McConnons' gene problems. Still, four months later, the family had managed to lose an impressive amount of weight and were feeling happier and healthier as a result. So good luck to them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off for a bowl of overpriced feline diet food - with added pumpernickel, obviously... Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? Think there's something different about me, but can't quite put your finger on it? I'll put you out of your misery. I'm sporting a blonde wig today in homage to Sharon off EastEnders, who's been going through a rough patch recently. Yep, even by Walford standards, she's having a really horrible time. First she was jilted at the altar by Jack. And now she's been turfed out on to the street by Phil. Oh, the indignity! Despite being a one-time alcoholic and former crack addict himself, Ol' Potato Face - as I prefer to call him - showed no signs of empathy when he discovered Sharon has been popping one too many industrial-strength painkillers. He really is a nasty piece of work, isn't he? Still, addiction problems are two-a-penny in Albert Square. Take troubled teenager Lauren, for example. She's been stumbling around half-cut for weeks - and it looks like she's set to spiral out of control before too long. Even a brief stroll around the block with cousin Joey couldn't sober her up. If only she'd set off five minutes later, she'd have bumped into Sharon being thrown out by Phil. The pair of them could have compared notes. Ah, happy days! Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? I know what you're thinking: what's with the dodgy syrup, Sid? Well, I'm wearing this wig in a bid to look more like Jason Isaacs in BBC One's Case Histories. It was an ambitious attempt that didn't quite come off. But it turns out this wig doesn't quite come off either. So I'm stuck with it for now. You live and learn, humes. You live and learn. Anyway, it was nice to see Jason back as dark and brooding Edinburgh-based private detective Jackson Brodie. It was even nicer to see him joined by none other than Victoria Wood for this series opener. Big Vic played Tracy - an ex-copper-turned-security-guard - who took the law into her own hands when she saw a child being ill-treated. Rather than contact social services or call in a favour from her former colleagues in the force, Tracy opted to keep the child herself. Now, I'm sure there are rules about that kind of thing - but we were clearly expected to accept that this was by far the best outcome for the kid. Fair enough, I suppose. After all, who am I to argue with Victoria Wood? By the way, that wasn't even the main plot-line. Jackson actually stumbled across Tracy when he was investigating another case involving decades-old police corruption. And aside from all that, there's still the smouldering sexual tension between Jackson and his one-time colleague Louise. I doubt anything will ever happen between them, though. She's too sensible and he's too dysfunctional to make a move. Honestly - what a muppet! Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Alright, humes? Being a live-and-let-live kind of cat, I usually try to steer clear of politics. But I do think it's about time the government held a referendum on Europe. And by Europe, I mean the Eurovision Song Contest. Why the hell do we keep entering the bloody thing? It's just an utterly humiliating, headache-inducing waste of time - cluttering up the Saturday night TV schedules when we'd all prefer to be watching Casualty and Match of the Day. It's about time we made a stand and withdrew from the whole charade. I mean, it's not like we Brits really need to prove we've got musical talent, is it? This is the country that produced The Beatles, Rolling Stones and David Bowie. We're the world's leading exporters of bubble-gum pop and indie rock. So why do we persist in competing with the likes of Latvia, Slovakia and France (although I'm still not convinced that last one's a real place) to see who can come up with the best song? It makes no sense. Anyway, rant over. We're stuck with it for now. And poor old Bonnie Tyler's been sent to Sweden to belt out some god-awful power ballad in Saturday night's televised showdown. She won't win, of course. The voting's rigged from the start. All those tin-pot nations vote for their mates from other tin-pot nations, regardless of the quality of the music. Although, that said, we're usually guaranteed 12 points from Malta. Wherever the hell that is. Sorry - I've slipped into a rant again. Eurovision does that to a cat. To redress the balance, I should mention that some Brits actually look forward to this annual extravaganza. Indeed, tiresome nuisances up and down the land will be holding "ironic" parties tonight - with Abba, Bucks Fizz and Katrina and the Waves blaring out until the early hours, once the show's finished on BBC One. Stay strong, humes - it'll soon be over... Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!

Want to help a cat become Top Dog, humes? Help me see off that pesky pigeon Pete on my favourite app, TVcheck. You can download version 2 from Google Play or iTunes. Don’t delay - ruffle some feathers today!