Current Interest: TMNT

They were supposed to go down together.

Weakened though he may be, Leo had posed the idea—that dreadful, unthinkable idea of going down with the ship, going down with the Shredder—and the family rallied behind him without another doubt, as he should have known they would. They always would. They were all agreed.

Then the Utroms stepped in—their heroes, their saviors, nothing short of a miracle. Time slowed to a crawl, to a halt, like whoever was writing up their end had hesitated with the pen floating over the paper right before planting the period.

And when the Utroms tried to flip to a fresh page, the undried, undecided ink dripped off course.

Smearing, smudging, bleeding straight through what was meant to be a new, clean turning point. Raph had seen literal and metaphorical red more times than he could count but not like this. He could see it behind his eyelids now every time he blinked. A hot, bubbling, pulsing spring that spread into cascading rivers, branching currents chasing each other down green hills and valleys to fill the dry bed below.

The bed. The floor. The Utroms’ tools. All their high and mighty tech, all their fancy tools. When time restarted Leo’s wound ran with it, too fast. Pumping the brakes to buy more time dilation would run the risk of stalling his system entirely, seizing his heart, creating clots—and in the time it took to explain and discuss as much, it was close to over already.

Nature always wins. Wasn’t that what Master Splinter sometimes said? They couldn’t dam the flood at the cost of all flow and they couldn’t outrun the current.

They could only watch as he was swept toward the edge of the falls. Down, down, down. Burnt, dark fur blackening further as blood soaked in, Master Splinter curled tight around him—bracing for impact or still trying to hold him back, hold him here, it was unclear. The whole way down he wept more openly than they had ever seen, nuzzling Leo’s ashen cheek and temple and crown, whimpering what could have been prayers or pleas or comforts against his ear. Raph couldn’t make any of it out over the noise; maybe that was the wail of the alarms as Leo’s vitals fell down, down, down or maybe someone was screaming.

Maybe it was Raph. He couldn’t remember what he might have been saying either.

It could have been curses or commands for Leo not to do this to them as he slumped to grab at his shoulder, at the gaping hole torn straight through his shell while Raph just stood there and watched. He couldn’t watch this happen too. Don’t go, don’t go, stay, you’re stayin’ right here, just stay with me!

With his ribs so broken, what felt like a scream carried on the storm in his head was probably little more than a croak. Leo’s last breath was even less than that. A tiny, rattling wheeze, a much larger full-body shudder as he stared up at him with wide, glassy, unblinking eyes, and then…

That was it. He’d never blink again. The period punched in to punctuate the end of the chapter and then the page was torn straight out of their lives. Only ragged, irreparable edges remained.

And Raph…just…stood there…and watched him pass.

Watched time pass.

People around them tried to rewrite the end, rephrase it with pretty words to make it more palatable. To make it mean something.

He sacrificed everything to bring Ch’rell to justice. He died a true hero, the Utroms murmured. Raph had to bite his tongue so hard a spring of blood bubbled up from him too.

Leo didn’t get an honorable death in battle. He died sprawled out on his shell, too far from home, cold with hypovolemic shock on an even colder medical bed, listening to his father cry, gawking up at his brother who could do nothing to solve it or stop it. Their Fearless Leader died confused and powerless and afraid and the Shredder outlived him.

He was worth so much more than that and yet the absence of him, his “noble, heroic sacrifice”, wasn’t worth anything.

The night before the trial, Raph dreamt of seeing that sick, slimy thing they had once thought a man and his pathetic excuse for a daughter up on the stand. He dreamt of pulling Leo’s swords—their swords, forged together in the wake of Shredder’s last victory—off of his own back, lunging up there and hacking Ch’rell and Karai to pieces, until their blood welled so high with horrifyingly nonsensical dream physics that Raph was drowning.

He dreamt of just…letting it happen, until a bloodstained hand snagged the straps to the sheath and hauled him back to the surface in one weighty tug. He only caught a second’s glimpse of blue streaked with red before jolting awake to alarms blaring next to his bed and fire in his bruised lungs instead of air.

And Leo hovering at his bedside, looking just as pale and frightened as he had in the dream.

After the Utrom medics swarmed to supply Raph with the air his precarious popsicle-stick ribcage currently refused to retain on its own, the illusion was gone. Oxygen deprivation could be a doozy, make a guy see things.

As soon as they cleared out, he tore the oxygen mask off and held his breath until his head swam and the fire in his chest flared again but now all that floated in his vision were dizzy spots.

That figured. Just his dumb, numb brain and body playing the cruelest possible tricks on him.

He didn’t get much sleep after that, listening to Mikey cry fitfully on and off for hours on end, until Don’s anguished scream of Leo’s name in a night terror was the last straw to ring in the cold, hollow day.

The night after the trial—the uneventful, uninterrupted trial, and the Shredder’s banishment, which should have been an execution—Raph dreamt of stumbling alongside a red river. In and out its banks expanded and shrank, until sometimes it was almost broad enough to be a lake, sometimes so thin it could have been a trickle of tap water, but he followed the channel regardless.

He had no idea where it was leading him or why. All he knew was he had to get there, no matter how long it took. It was one of the most important destinations he’d ever reach.

His head spun. Every labored breath made his throat constrict and his stomach roil with the stench of metal…but more pressingly, he could feel someone’s eyes on him the whole way to…wherever. No matter where he looked, there was no one. Just the sense of them, unblinking, unswerving.

The further he trudged on, the less that presence bothered him, if only because he was becoming too single-mindedly numb to care. He didn’t know what they wanted but as long as they weren’t getting in his way, whatever. Maybe they were just there to keep him company.

He kept moving. They kept staying. He—They both followed the river. On and on and on he followed the river with no end in sight, until he wasn’t sure if he wanted to throw up and crumple on the spot and cry. Before he could decide a brush against his arm startled him awake. Bloodshot, disoriented eyes met even wider eyes staring fixedly down on him until he was forced to blink.

It wasn’t Leo standing over him; he should know that. It was Don, delivering the news in a broken croak that they were being dropped back on Earth today.

Raph was the last to leave the Utrom medical bay. He wasn’t sure how long he stood over that medical bed. They had stripped and scrubbed and disinfected it days ago. Not a trace of tragedy left. It was empty.

It didn’t…feel empty when he ran a hand over it, barely aware that he was shaking. It felt like heat and moisture and motion, a current weaving through his fingers.

Movement below the still surface.

Someone put a hand on his shell and he jumped so hard, his ribs spasmed, throwing him into a coughing fit that sent him to the floor. Master Splinter went down with him, as he had with Leo, and wept again. Desperate apologies for startling him, for hurting him, for everything. Raph couldn’t breathe to answer.

Ultimately they ended up at the farmhouse, the safest place to…recover.

As if they’d ever really recover. They would find no peace with the acute awareness that Leo was—

That a body was waiting in the barn to be buried.

The first night there, Raph didn’t dream. He didn’t sleep a wink. Mikey was crying again. April too, however muffled by the walls between the bedrooms. A low, halting, tentative murmur indicated Casey was probably fumbling to find words for her. Don writhed and mewled miserably in his sleep, a telltale precursor to another terror, and their father crawled, curling just as tightly around him as he had Leo and tighter, clinging to what he had left.

While they were otherwise occupied, Raph pushed himself upright, heedless of the searing, stabbing pain in his plastron with every step. He stumbled downstairs; no one stopped him.

Once again he wasn’t sure where he was going. It was a much shorter trip than it had been in the dream.

The living room. The couch. The couch where Leo had clawed his way back to them the last time Shredder and his forces had landed a would-be fatal blow. He’d forgotten what a vibrant red it was, despite being as old as the rest of the house.

The realization slithered in, sickeningly slow, that he, Don and Mikey were about a week older than Leo now.

He should have thrown himself down the stairs. Maybe bashing his head on the way down would explain why he was seeing Leo on the couch again.

Not bundled up in blankets as he was last time (as he—what a remnant of him was out in the barn at this very moment) but clearly striving to sit up as straight as he could despite the force of his shivering and the awkward angle of his limp arm and shoulder. The limb still looked wet, branching channels of blood finding their outlets on the couch cushions, red on red absorbing like it was never there.

But he was there, keeping close to the armrest, leaving ample room for anyone else to sit beside him. Posturing as if to make sure he was presentable for their arrival, the way he only ever did in life when he thought his brothers weren’t watching.

Raph watched.

He should…probably be feeling something about this eerie display, maybe a little creeped out (or more than a little.) Angry, perhaps, with how this denial stage of grief was panning out for him. He should check in with himself, start wondering whether or not he was going crazy.

Deep down, however, he’d always sort of known it was inevitable. It felt like everyone knew but didn’t want to admit something or everything in Raph would snap if he ever lost any of his brothers so seeing things probably wasn’t as much of a surprise as it should have been.

Somehow the inevitability didn’t make it feel any better…but it didn’t make it feel any worse either. It just…was what it was. Numb. Maybe this wasn’t the denial stage of grief; maybe the numbness was a form of acceptance.

If it meant he got to see him, he’d accept that in place of his sanity without a second thought.

He plodded forth, acutely aware of the eyes locked onto him, tracking his pace and course. He wasn’t sure when Leo had started staring at him again, if he had just noticed his presence near the stairs or if he knew he was there all along and had waited for Raph to look him in in the face first. His head didn’t turn to maintain eye contact when Raph sank heavily into the cushions beside him but he still felt seen just as intently regardless. Seen and felt.

Accepting whatever this was…it wasn’t the same as addressing it but as he watched the rivers run down the length of his arm, it spurred nausea and a question to the back of Raph’s throat.

“Does it still hurt?” Every word was like gravel; his voice cracked on the last and he hated himself for that. He shouldn’t have asked, he didn’t really want to know but he had to. If Leo was just a product of a loose screw in his skull, he would hope his imagination would be kind enough to say no, it didn’t hurt.

But of course if his imagination were kind, he wouldn’t be seeing the open artery in his shoulder or that last hazy expression  of horror still frozen like a snapshot on his face. The longer he looked at him like this, the harder it was to remember what he looked like when he was whole and happy.

When it took more than half a second to dredge up a smiling memory, Raph swallowed hard and averted his eyes. Guilt and shame for his uncharacteristic squeamishness shot through him just as fast, then a stab of alarm when he glanced back up and found the other seat suddenly empty. He grabbed at the cushion where he had seen the blood seeping through.

It was cool and dry, unblemished, but not for long; the panic gut-punched him with such force, he retched. The sound of hacking and choking brought Mikey thundering down the stairs and that was all it took for everyone else to scramble too.

His ribs put him at risk of pneumonia, Casey said. They were taking his word for medical advice, his of all people? Then again knowing him, he’d have cracked his ribs more than once before; he had experience. Nausea and vomiting could be symptoms setting in so they needed to keep a close eye on him.

Raph didn’t have it in him to explain the real reason. With pneumonia in mind they’d probably put it down to a spike of fever making him confused.

Over the next few days they babysat him for no good reason and he let them. It gave them a way to keep busy and feel useful, trying to chase out the void where Leo traditionally would have been problem-solving too.

They didn’t have to because it wasn’t a void. He was there. Not problem-solving, of course, but keeping an even closer eye on him than the others could while they still had their own burdens of injury and exhaustion and grief to consider too.

When he first reappeared, Raph felt nothing but pure relief that he hadn’t chased the fantasy away for good. Screw, still loose.

As time wore on, however, with the added pressure of the others’ fussing, the needling sense of him just lingering and looking got…uncomfortable. Kind of annoying. Because that was Leo, wasn’t it? Always quietly fretting, poking his nose in with the mere anticipation of trouble, making Raph’s scales itch under the examination.

As soon as Raph registered that age-old exasperated urge to complain, “What’re you lookin’ at? I don’t need you hoverin’!” what came out was a barked laugh instead. Because that…that was indeed so Leo. He’d never loved or needed him hovering more than he did right now, aggravating him by doing nothing more than letting his face hang out. It felt so real. It was the first shred of normalcy he’d felt since the ship.

Leo’s hollow expression didn’t change as he wavered at the end of the couch, watching his brother laugh it up, but his head tipped the way it always had when he wanted to convey how deeply unimpressed and unamused he was but felt he shouldn’t have to say so. It only made Raph laugh harder until he was sure his ribs would make him regret it the rest of the night and on to the next day.

Mikey, sitting nearby, gave him a look and asked what was so funny. Raph would have waved it off as nothing he could explain, maybe the so-called fever they were watching for, but Mikey asked gingerly, uncertainly, almost pleadingly. He needed some spark of joy.

“Ah, I just…remembered one’a those little quirks Leo has.” A beat. Oh. Wait. He shouldn’t phrase it that way, should he? Sobering. Cautiously he took care to let his eyes drift from Leo to Mikey—not pulling away as he had before, simply redirecting. Leo remained. When he continued, it was softer. “…Had. Sorry. But d’you, uh…you remember that look he gave you when ya pulled that glue trap prank with his gloves?”

Mikey’s eyes drifted too as he thought back. Raph bit back another hitch when his gaze skated straight past Leo; their brother’s head ticked again, dipped ever so slightly as if to follow, to remain in his field of vision. It came back up when Mikey snorted softly.

“He got glued to the fire escape. And we kept telling him it was just cause of the weather, like the kids getting their tongues stuck to metal poles, but he wasn’t buying any of it. He didn’t know how but he so knew it was me. Heh. If looks could…”

He didn’t finish.

Leo stared. Raph pursed his lips.

“You ever…think ya still see him sometimes? Anywhere?” he ventured lowly, haltingly.

“…What, like they do in movies? Seeing like, a flash of something blue and chasing it down all hopeful but when you get there, it’s just the neighbor’s blue sock or towel or something out on the clothesline, looking all majestic in the wind…” An oddly specific analogy, so much so Raph almost wondered if Mikey had actually experienced it but how would he chase down a deceptive flicker of blue movement on broken legs? Maybe he’d dreamt it, judging by the bags under his bloodshot eyes as he tipped his head back with a dull thump against the wall. “…I wish.”

Raph’s heart sank. He wished he did too. As, no doubt, did Leo, who bowed his head and twitched his dripping arm at his side; it was unclear if he wanted to reach out or clench his fist but ultimately it remained listless.

Raph dreamt of the river again that night. Strange, how he’d forgotten dreaming of it before until now that it was recurring but as soon as his toes curled into the damp, warm earth on the bank, he knew the drill.

For what felt like eternity he walked on until the river threw an almost literal curveball, stopping him up short; one of its widest, choppiest bends curved in front of him to block his path. It stretched on so far to the east and west, he lost sight of it. The other side was so far away, he had to squint to pinpoint it and even then it remained blurry, but the only way over there was through.

In all the time he’d been following this river, he’d never actually considered touching it, much less wading in. It felt caustic; it radiated the stench of melting metal and bubbled with the promise of burning him. Spend too long in there and it could probably boil him. But when he gingerly leaned, reached out to test what he already knew wasn’t water, he found his hands already soaked, dripping red before they ever contacted the surface.

The surface where ripples of Leo’s reflection gaped back at him.

When Raph lurched back, the dark, cold waking world was spinning. Damp earth caked his hands and knees and feet and pressed heavy on his lungs as he panted. Somewhere over his heart pounding, he thought he heard Leo wordlessly shushing to calm him. Or was that the hum and shush of…crickets?

He wasn’t in the farmhouse, he realized, belated, bewildered, using the clean side of his wrist to scrub sweat from his eyes and take in the river—the real river, frothy water rushing by.

Not just walking in his sleep then but actually sleepwalking. Shell. Shell, if any of the others woke up and found he was missing, he’d give them a collective heart attack. How had he made it this far in his condition? How had he even made it out of the house without anyone waking up to see?

“You’re the only one who sees me.”

Raph stilled.

That was not crickets.

That was new.

He’d accepted seeing things by now. Embraced it. Him. Hearing things was a little more unsettling. His ears registered it as a tiny, crackling wheeze, nearly drowned out by nighttime nature—it could have been his own hampered breath for all he knew—but his brain processed it as more. It felt like déjà vu of a thought he knew he’d never thought before.

Digging his fingers deeper into the earth, exhaling shallowly, he risked a peek. Leo was kneeling on the bank across from him, his arm draped crookedly over his lap, rivulets sliding down his knees to form mud underneath him that would somehow not be bloody if Raph checked. The not-mud didn’t matter. All the while he shivered and dripped, his expression remained unchanged, haunted and haunting. Shadows gnawed at his pallid cheeks, clenched jaw and still throat, hollowing him, while the whites of his eyes seemed to glow in the moonlight. Raph couldn’t look away even if he’d wanted to.

“…Leo?”

He’d never felt the need to ask before.

A twitch of his head like a nod, pale eyes boring into him all the while like white-hot coals or stars, brown irises and huge pupils like black holes yawning to engulf them. He heard it as part of the river this time, a trickle like his voice was circling the drain. His mouth never moved.

“You’re not crazy, Raph.”

A sound too shaken to be a laugh escaped him. “Uh…yeah, okay. Sounds exactly like somethin’ a crackpot would tell himself to feel better about it…”

“You haven’t cracked. All you did was crack open a window.” He didn’t give Raph time to wonder what that meant; something in his face tremored as if it wanted to pinch in frustration or grief but it couldn’t. He twitched and shuddered in frustration for the absence of it instead. “I can’t crack it myself. I keep trying. I’ve tried as many doors as I can reach from this side but it’s like they only open one way; I keep getting shut out.”

“…Doors, what? What’re you talkin’ about? How are you even talkin’ in the first place?”

“My only guess is the longer I’m bound to you, the stronger the bond becomes.”

“‘Bound to me’? How the shell’d you get ‘bound’ to—Why me? What are you?”

“On my honor, it’s me. But you’re the only one who sees because you were the last to see!” he repeated insistently, imploringly, locked jaw flexing. “I can’t get through to anyone else. Windows, doors, anything! Nothing! I’ve tried dream-walking but it’s…it’s all so messy in there. Donnie can’t…fathom me, he can’t process me right.”

Raph had been seeing him all along and even he could barely process this new development as it was happening. “Don’t tell me you’ve been givin’ him those night terrors.”

Twitch, twitch, twitch. The midnight breeze picked up, a mournful whistling and keening, setting off a bigger shiver that prickled through the both of them. “I don’t mean to! He keeps seeing me as that other Leo…the one he lost before. Every time I’ve tried to reach him, his subconscious thinks it’s happening again and puts us back there. He just screams and screams and I can’t keep doing that to him! No matter how much I want him to see me for me.

“But I can’t reach Mikey either. He can’t—or won’t sleep long enough for me to squeeze through. Maybe he’s scared he’ll get the nightmares too. What am I supposed to do about that? Just wait for him to get so tired, he might be open to hallucination? If Master Splinter would meditate, maybe I could find out if the spiritual plane is any clearer but he hasn’t tried since…”

Since.

“Yeah, well. He’s been a little busy tryin’ to take care of everybody else.” Since you left the job without givin’ notice.

Could Leo actually pick up on his thoughts as Raph could hear his? Had he been holding the one-sided staring contest long enough to pick up on any micro-expression of bitterness or did that just come with the years of practice living with him? If he took offense, he couldn’t convey it.

“I never left.” So said the literal death rattle from nowhere that Raph’s eardrums registered, that his brain could only pretend or hope to translate.

“You died, Leo,” he breathed, dropping back on his heels with the weight of saying it aloud. None of them had ever said the dreaded d-word, not even when breaking the news to April and Casey. They could only bring themselves to say he was gone and they got the message.

“But I never left. You would know. You were watching.” His trembling eased ever so marginally, Raph wondered if he had imagined the softening in the dark. Maybe all of this was imaginary; maybe he was still sleepwalking and the dream had changed to something a little more linear. But he doubted he was clever enough to make up someone that felt so real. He felt real. That was his voice. “You held on.”

“Wha—What does that mean?” Master Splinter was the one holding him in the end; Raph was just there squeezing his shoulder, as if he could squeeze all that blood back into him with brute force.

“I was dying. Master Splinter was praying for me, telling me he was proud…telling me you all were. He told me not to be afraid…and that I wouldn’t be failing any of you if I had to let go.”

Raph’s instinctive reaction to that was a fiery flash of incredulity, anger. How could Master Splinter grant him permission to give up? How could he be willing to let go of his son, their brother so easy? Leo surely sensed that too.

“Don’t. He was just trying to comfort me, spare me some of the pain. If I was…going out…he wanted me to go in peace. But you didn’t let go.” Red-painted fingers curled against his knees, not-joints creaking like the distant call of a frog somewhere further down the bank. “My life in your hands, slipping through your fingers, and you still held on for dear life, like you always do.”

“But it didn’t change anythin’. You still…I still had to watch you…”

“You didn’t have to. You could have looked away.” No, he couldn’t, Raph wanted to say; he couldn’t bear to watch but equally he couldn’t bear to miss it. Miss him. “Don was all over the monitors, my vitals. Mikey saw the mess the blood was making on the floor. Master Splinter had his eyes closed to pray for me. But you…really looked at me.”

Raph had to resist the urge to shrink under his piercing gaze now. Was that the intense, laser focused desperation Leo had seen in his gaze during those final moments? “…So?”

“The eyes are the windows to the soul, isn’t that what they say? You looked me in the eye, through the window, and told my soul, ‘Don’t go. Stay.’”

It couldn’t have been that easy. Since when did begging for someone’s life, screaming into the void, actually bounce back and make a difference? Since when did whatever Raph wanted matter in the grand scheme of Turtle Luck?

Leo must have read his mind again. “It could also have something to do with the Utrom’s time tech. Some kind of, um, dilation something or other, some discrepancy between where my body was between life and death in space-time or…I don’t know. If I could get through to Don, maybe he’d come up with an answer you’d find more believable. Or more boring.”

Despite everything Raph couldn’t help but snort weakly. Leo’s jaw flexed again as if he wanted to quirk a small smile at him.

“But I know you made the real difference or you wouldn’t be the only one to see. My stubborn brother dared me to defy the odds and stay. So I stayed.”

“So…what, you’re a ghost? And I’m your unfinished business?”

“You all are. If one of us goes down, we all go down.” His good hand clenched against his knee, nails biting into his palm, self-recriminating. They had intended to go down together. “…The call I made on the ship, that…that was the very last resort. I didn’t want to make it. If I saw any other way, literally anything, I would never have asked any of you to—”

“I know, Leo. We all saw the writin’ on the wall or we wouldn’t’ve agreed.”

With his face so unchanging, it was hard to tell if Leo believed him. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise too because if they were bringing up failures…if there was any judgment or resentment there for Raph so resoundingly, so permanently letting Leo down when he needed him most, he wouldn’t see it in his face.

“If I had just…I-If there was any way I could’ve stopped Shredder and Karai doin’ what they did to you…” He faltered under the swell of remembered uselessness, helplessness. I should’ve done something. I would’ve done anything. Would’ve taken your place in a heartbeat. Still would.

Leo’s fist loosened, stretching across the divide for him. “I know.”

The moment cold, warm, empty, full nothing tangible brushed his shoulder, tears burst out of him at such unexpected volume and force the crickets stopped short. There was no warning, no chance for him to brace for it or beat the waves of emotion back into submission. He couldn’t outrun the river. The world was swept away in its course down the hill and Leo’s arm and Raph’s face as he buried it in soiled hands. It muffled nothing, certainly not the raw heaving of his sobs (and even less so his brother’s creaky, creepy, comforting not-breathing, like twigs on the forest floor crackling without fire, shushing to soothe.)

“I just stood there and watched!”

“No. You tried to protect me. You always do.”

“Too little, too late! And now I gotcha stuck like this cause I couldn’t make up for it! It was selfish, I-I just didn’t wanna let ya go! I couldn’t even let you rest in peace like Master Splinter wanted for you, like you were supposed to—”

“I’m supposed to be here with my family; that’s never changed and it never will.”

“But what if you can never move on?! Y-You stick around in limbo watching over us like some guardian angel until we keel over someday and then what if you can’t follow? What—What’ve I done to you? I didn’t mean to!”

“Yes, you did. I saw it in your eyes, you meant it with all your heart and I’m honored. I was so scared for you guys, of what could happen to you and I wouldn’t live long enough to know. I didn’t want to go! You helped me not to, you threw me a line to keep me here. Whatever happens next, we get to figure it out as a team like anything else. I’m not blaming you, Raph, I’m thanking you. You understand?” Fingers of the breeze ghosted over his shaking shell. “The Shredder tried to end me and you made sure he didn’t. You weren’t too little, too late; you saved me! I’m here! I’m here.”

He wasn’t sure how many times he had to repeat it, how long it took for the tears to run thin, then run dry. Too long. A part of him wished Leo could have blinked out of sight again somewhere along the way, if only temporarily, so he wouldn’t have to witness that sorry, exhausting display. But he had a feeling even if Leo could have, he wouldn’t have. Always hovering. Ultimately it was a release Raph hadn’t wanted to acknowledge he needed but now that it was over, he was too achy and empty to puzzle together a suitably dismissive comment to play off his embarrassment. 

“I should’ve killed him too,” he muttered instead, hoarse. “Shredder. And Karai. I wanted to more than anythin’.”

“No, no, you can’t think like that.”

“Tch. Sure. S’not justice, it’s revenge, right? Not the honorable thing to do.”

“True—and nice to know you were listening—but also the last thing I’d want is to run the risk of being stuck on this plane with their vengeful spirits.”

“…Oh. Right. Guess that would suck.” His sticky, sore eyes burned as he palmed the last tears away and soil streaked across his waterline. He ignored it, coughing to clear his throat and try to regain some composure, some dignity. More important things and people to worry about. “…So. What’s the plan, Fearless? Where do we go from here with…whatever this is?”

Leo’s head ticked again, pensive. “I keep trying to get through to the others. That’s all I can do. Maybe if you see an opening, you could try to—gently!—broach the subject of contacting my spirit.”

“…Your body’s out in the barn. Waitin’.”

“I know.”

“Think maybe you could work out an opening to slip back in there?” he offered, only half joking.

His form swayed, blurring in and out of focus as if fidgeting. “It might be a little too…out of sync with me now.” Too decayed, he wouldn’t say. Raph bit the inside of his cheek against the returning nausea.

“Then this really is all ya got to go on?” All they had left of him? Despite Leo’s apparent acceptance, apparent gratitude, Raph couldn’t help but feel another twist of guilt. He wished he could have done better, done more, formed enough of a connection in that last desperate moment to keep all of him here where he belonged.

The burbling of the current deepened to a gargle, firmer, more emphatic. “It’s better than the alternative.”

That much was true beyond any shadow of grief or doubt. “Mm. Shell of a lot better than that.”

It was something. It was staying power, survival in some form, no matter what it took. Raph had looked Leo’s death in the face and didn’t let it take him. It was crazy. It was nothing short of a miracle. But then again, survival against all odds…wasn’t that what they did best?

“Better get back,” he murmured at last, wrapping an arm around his side with a cough and a groan as he pushed himself upright on juddering legs. A blink, a turn and Leo was upright too, dead ahead of him, ready to oversee.

Dead ahead. When his breath hitched again, he wasn’t sure if it wanted to be a weak laugh or one more weary sob.

“I’m here,” the wind whispered one more time, cooling the grime and tearstains on his cheeks before trailing off.

That might be the fastest April’s broadcast has ever been disrupted! Couldn’t even let her finish a sentence, sheesh

Protective Dad! If anyone’s instincts are even more right than Leonardo’s, it’s Splinter

I wish that “my pupils” had been a “my sons” though

Alas, even Leonardo fails to listen. At least he apologizes before leaving but they feel they have to stick to their moral compass, even if it’s leading them in the wrong direction…

You know it’s gonna be bad when Splinter’s telling his worries directly to the viewer

I figure you would have preferred being a kid in a candy shop to robbing a museum

“Can’t you think of anything new to say?” – the guy who just resorted to the phrase “turtle-izing”

Now that we’re in a season finale Splinter’s “greatest danger you have ever faced” is more well-suited

Okay but who in their right mind would think the Foot Soldiers’ uniforms are blue? They are so purple

Donatello, you really need to change that alarm, my poor ears can’t take it

“Relax, you guys” WE’VE GOT A TECHNODROME ROLLING STRAIGHT AT US NOW IS NO TIME TO RELAX

Okay, maybe not straight at us, it gave them all time to recite the ol’ plan by rote XD

Clean slice, Leonardo

I mean…to be fair, travel between Earth and Dimension X isn’t nearly as hard as you make it out to be, we’ve come back from there more than once…If you had sent them to Dimensional Limbo or some other unknown universe, that would be harder

Aw, I was hoping for an evil laugh

“What’s going on?” Did you not see the Technodrome rolling up and the rock soldiers surrounding City Hall and Krang ordering surrender? You’re the news! How’d you miss that?

“How can you live with yourself?” I wish Leonardo’s patented scolding voice worked on scum like slavers but alas

“Take your mitts off him, you slime bag!” GO OFF RAPHAEL

Three space credit cards is all they’re worth?

What? Being in the slave trade has the potential to adversely affect those close to me? *surprised Pikachu face* Who’da thunk it?

“They’re worse than Burne” No duh

That’s the first laser shot in a long time that actually hit a turtle! And it was from a stupid slaver sentinel bot, wow

The way all three of the others were standing right where Raphael was going to land and none of them tried to catch him 😭

Leonardo going out the window is typical at this point, now we’re moving to the humans!

“Holy guacamole with hot sauce and jalapeños!” Longest Michelangelo exclamation of horror to date!

“As a weird alien monster’s hot lunch!” And the worst part is you’re cold blooded!

YAY SPLINTER

“You savages!” That might be the fiercest I’ve heard him

Go off, Irma

You’re trusting Vernon to be the guard?! Ughhh, they’re going to escape so fast. That or he’ll just get intimidated into untying them himself 🙄

Nobody chokes Raphael and gets away with it! Love that Michelangelo defended him from the slime guy the way Raphael defended him from him earlier

Yeah, just call Master Splinter up and get him to activate Donatello’s porta-portal from the other side! Simple. That or have him sneak into the Technodrome to use their portal

“You dishonored yourself, Shredder” Leonardo sighing like a disappointed parent lol

If you took a shot every time Shredder calls them “wretched reptiles” you’d probably have alcohol poisoning

No, don’t cut to Krang! I want to see the big mano a turtle-o fight!

“I am about to be brilliant. Again” Honestly you’ve earned it, Donatello

Heck yeaaah, Sword & Shield Duo taking on Shredder while the others work, love it

Okay, but leaving Krang alone is never a good idea. They should have left Irma to guard him

Vernon, why are you just. Why are you the way that you are

Hearing ‘Krang’ say “dude” is so cursed XD

Oof. That is a heck of a downsize in your getaway ride

Pro tip from Leonardo and Splinter’s instincts: You always have to worry about Shredder and Krang, no matter how low the defeat

What an ominous note on which to end!

Is it just me or was that a weirdly shaped rat?

You watch bad monster movies basically every week! What makes these so bad?

Oh, are they giving you “Unidentified Flying Leonardo” flashbacks?

Right, let’s send boiling hot steam at the humans with their delicate skin, oof

Okay, whoever just dumped that ad down there for them could have sent one, maybe two fliers, that was way overkill

I’m sure whatever fights they land in, they’ll each have to utilize their individual talents to win

A place called “Combat Land”, dangerous? Gasp! How ever could you insinuate that?

This park guy does actually seem like he’s taking the proper precautions

His name is Stressbar XD

Raphaeeeeel, what have we said about brushing off Leonardo’s instincts?

“Our ninja code doesn’t permit us to give up our weapons!” *proceeds to throw them carelessly onto the ground instead of just handing them over*

Irma knows what’s up

Leonardo’s Mr. Grumpypants today

Robot: *blocks like two moves* Leonardo: Boy, this guy’s good!

Use that sword spin move you learned in real Ancient Japan!

It’s funny hearing the robots call them “humans”

I love how checked out and not into this the robot horses look

“The Revenge of the Nerds Part 9” Personally I would have gone for “Geeks with Guns Part 2: Electric Boogaloo”

It’s been fun seeing the Brains & Brawn Duo paired up so often these past few episodes

“Now I’m starting to get worried” “Relax, Leonardo” They ought to give him a dollar for every time his trouble alert has proven right after they dismissed him XD

HOOO BOY that was close, Raphael!

“Something is very wrong here” Oh, is it, Donatello? Leonardo hadn’t noticed XD

How do Vernon and Irma keep ending up imprisoned together?

A rare Donatello “cowabunga”!

Ooh, it was cool seeing Raphael use a sword and Leonardo use a stick like a bō rather than their usual weapons for a second there

Does Raphael get no instructions to participate in this plan?

And Leonardo also gets to use a motorcycle for once, heck yeah!

Thaaat didn’t last long but at least it went out with a bang

“What I really need is…is the other fellas :(“ Aww. Trying to do it alone never goes well for any of you, bud! He always gets particularly lonely without them

And of course robot Michelangelo has to crush his hopes

They got laid out by that explosion like they never have by any other!

Somebody go warn Master Splinter!

Usually the villains’ schemes are so out there, this simple money plot has got me particularly >:/

Also hang on a second, this is the third episode in a row where Leonardo, Michelangelo and/or both have been captured and it’s more so up to Raphael and Donatello to save the day. Not that I mind, it’s just odd

Thanks for the flashback XD

Whoa, you know it’s bad when you get Michelangelo so mad his voice puberty cracks aksjfksfs that was a bad one

Aww, Raphael not wanting to punch a robot that looks like his bud <3 Meanwhile Donatello was over there slapping robot Leonardo up with no hesitation lol

How is a random businessman holding his own enough to manhandle Michelangelo around like that?!

RIP a sai and a bō

Okay, Leonardo and Michelangelo got to do their bit for saving the day too

Leonardo apologizing, the others owning up too, conflict resolution <3

Hey, that’s the shot of Leonardo chilling on the couch in the lo-fi TMNT video I put on while I write sometimes XD Nice to know the context now!

So they can find ways to fit four on that three-seat couch! Sort of. Good for them

Are we sure it’s not the only surfing samurai movie ever made?

Are those hats new? They’ve got their initials stitched on, that’s cute

That feels like the first time in a while one of the turtles is inviting April in on the mission ahead of time

Light-Foot Heavy Industries. Call me crazy but that seems a little contradictory

I was about to say they’re definitely gonna rob the bakery XD I would if I were them

What do they do with all those blasters they take off them?

With that slide in Donatello would have been a good baseball player in another life

Oof, the bakers are going to come in early in the morning and be so mad all their resting dough and icing has been ruined like this

“What a fight, guys!” I’m surprised you could film any of it from all the way in the street. I guess that camera has excellent zoom

I mean we saw what happened the last time the Foot soldiers started thinking for themselves

What do you wanna bet the Krang clones are going to turn on each other just like Donatello’s clone turned on him?

Ew, I did not need to see Krang crawling on his tentacles, it was weird enough in 03

The squelch when he landed XD

Thanks for the color-coded bubble walkers

“Or even cause you to blow yourself to bits” That’s actually kinda dark

You specifically wanted someone as sneaky and fiendishly clever as you and yet you want “no tricks” from them? Yeah, that’s gonna work

Don’t tell me you’re thinking of kidnapping April like that’s a unique scheme to defeat them! You’ve tried it before!

Been a while since they got misidentified as frogs. And here I thought Krang was smart enough to tell the difference

Raphael of all people suggesting a retreat just feels wrong but they do have a civilian with them

To be fair I wouldn’t like it if a clone of myself started bossing me around either

Guys, that’s a lot of stairs, you could just take the elevator

The audio in this one scene while they’re running through the hall is actually super crisp and clear and pleasant, thanks for that

Did they just straight up put a bomb in April’s camera???

“You’re putting me on” As if that wasn’t clear from their very mutant not human department worker faces

He didn’t get to steal anything from the bakery earlier, that entitles him to some candy

Also, Krang really couldn’t come up with a cooler name than “bubble walkers”?

April’s middle name is Harriet?

EWWW KRANG WITH HANDS IS CURSED NO WONDER HE SCREAMED

Why’s that one Krang talk like Goofy

AGH KRANG WITH FEET IS EVEN WORSE

Leonardo! D:

April!! D:

Okay I’m sorry but the dramatic tension that just ramped up with Leonardo and April poofing out of existence also totally poofed out of existence when it cuts to a shot that says “Keep Our Zoo Clern” XD

Leonardo getting taken captive two episodes in a row, oof

“Scram-ola”

The squeal of disgust I let out every time the Krangs undergo a new transformation. It’s just. Why are you subjecting my eyes to this

Ngl I completely forgot Krang had an original body, I got so used to seeing him in his robot one. Maybe I data dumped it from my mind. I wish I could again if that’s what his body’s supposed to look like XD

Protective Raphael >:(

Random note but the turtles are looking particularly cute this episode with their big eyes and chubby cheeks

Master Splinter back at the lair being toasted by proximity: Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

I guess they rescued Leonardo cause he and Raphael swapped again for a second there

Runts?! >:0

Whoa whoa whoa, hang on, was that the first time we’ve actually seen Raphael stab someone with his sai?! In the mouth and in the hand! He usually uses them only to disarm or destroy weapons. Sure, they cut away from the mouth quickly and the hand only got a tiny jab but we saw the blade actually meet flesh there, wow!

RIP another bō

And now Donatello is Leonardo! Or maybe they just decided on the spur of the moment to wear blue bandanas in his honor while he’s away lol

“You do realize we’ll be charging headfirst into a trap?” – the guy who just wanted to brush off the threat of a thermal reactor to go charge headfirst into that trap for his friends

Aw, Smarts & Crafts Duo high five <3

Or? Whiff of a high five? It doesn’t look like they actually connected

Fun guns blazing and cool sword fight choreography, this is a great battle :D

Yea, it’s sure to be safer up here where all the lava is surfacing…

Raphael getting war flashbacks to his “vs. The Volcano” episode

I so hope Krang actually sent his clones somewhere that wasn’t Dimension X to get revenge on them, that would be funny

HAHAAAA

Baxter Stockman in limbo when he sees he’s got six new Krang guests like: 0_0

You know you’re bad when you can garner this reaction better than Shredder!

I hate to break this to you, Michelangelo, but you are a mutant animal

OH

WELL HI

Hearing Razar speak in such a distinguished way is super weird

Not often I say RIP grappling hook

Annnd I say RIP another sword way more often than I should have to

WOOP WOOP LEONARDO DEFENESTRATION ALERT I REPEAT LEONARDO HAS BEEN THROWN THROUGH A WINDOW HAPPY TOSS HIM TUESDAY EVERYBODY

I wasn’t expecting Razar to be such a protective force

Who’s this rando making this report?

I am also not up on the eccentric billionaires

So are the engraved bracelets going to do something against mutants or do you just want to go around advertising “I am speciesist” on your wrist?

Solid Snake?

Why’d you shoot at the camera?

The vase of flowers in front of Irma in that panning shot made me think something was seriously wrong with her face for a second there

Napoleon Bonafrog is still such a funny name

Wow, laser bear trap!

Donatello, looking at the bare ground:  There was a struggle here alright

Whoa, the frogs looked so tiny next to Dirk in that shot

He better not catch Master Splinter somehow or I’m gonna be mad >:( Although that would motivate the turtles to go off

Raphael’s already prepared to go off

“It’s got him by the buckles of his bandoleers!” Why is that like the hokiest old-timey-est possible phrasing? XD

Btw how did that magnet catch Michelangelo's buckles but not any of the others?

Come on, Leonardo, you’re faster than that! You saw it coming!

Ooh, I saw that look from Raphael when he stunned Leonardo. As a wise fanfic writer cowabummerdudes once said: Raphael: I don’t have anger issues. I’m the nice one, honestly (Someone threatens Leonardo) Raphael: ... Raphael: >:(

He may not be the right turtle to conduct a calm and convincing negotiation with this guy

Nooo!

Wow, the Turtle Comms. gotta be pretty delicate to crumble to dust like that in his hands

Leonardo and Michelangelo’s feet weren’t restrained, they could have been running away while he was busy crushing their comms, just saying

“Savage must have wrecked their Turtle Comms.” Yeah, we just watched him do it

Oooh, compliance cuffs, good angst material 👀

I’m not sure how you deduced that exposition from the simple lines of the alphabet onscreen but I’ll take it XD

VERNON WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS 🙄

YES YES YES WRING HIS NECK

I can’t help but notice Raphael’s leaning less toward sarcasm and more toward the traditional temper this episode. I mean who can blame him? This is probably bringing back his grudging sentiments against humans he showed in the “Night of the Rogues” episode

“We need to find out where Leonardo and the others are being kept” Michelangelo: Dude, I’m here too

Been a while, Mondo!

Aw, pals :D

You don’t think that’s even slightly suspicious someone left a feast on the street?

Dang, Razar’s got parkour skills for days!

I'm surprised he left Tokka

Love the conveniently fitting full moon behind him

I hope the girls have picked up some ninja stealth from the turtles along the way

Ewwww, worst mutant design yet

Who are all these new background mutants?

The fish market can't smell any worse than the sewer

Never thought I would be rooting for Razar

Welcome to “How To Identify If You’re The Problem” 101 with Donatello and Raphael

Wow, what a statue

Nice timing, April

Ahh, so that’s what's with the bracelets

Burne with a good sociopolitical opinion for once

“I’m getting some extremely strange readings from that statue.” Well, yeah, probably to be expected, it’s an extremely strange statue

You let the newbie pilot the turtle blimp?

I'm surprised it only took one shot to completely obliterate it lol

Leonardo constantly apologizing to everybody :(

Go off, Savage

That’s an even happier ending because if I recall correctly, the frogs don't like pizza so you won’t even have to share!