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Now this is a bit unexpected, and I wasn't really planning on it until a bit ago, but due recent and personal circumstances revolving around my household, and my general safety, I have decided to reopen commissions for the following couple days.
I am queer and trans residing in a very much homophobic and transphobic household who isn't afraid of laying their hands on me. I think you can figure out what that means for me.
Not in immediate danger where I need cops involved, but staying any longer will ruin me and I'm not strong enough for that.
I wasn't sure if I would be good with Comms or need a GoFundMe instead, but I'm not really familiar with the latter so I decided Comms will have to suffice. (I might try it? I'll have to see)
When I say emergency, I'm talking about less than a week now. I will be opening until the 9th of July (as I'm leaving the 10th and starting anything new would be impossible after that).
I have a somewhat solid plan of survival;
I have started applying to places to stay, but some demand deposits that, even though I am employed, have not enough saved for (especially because the money I had saved before, my parents took to "keep it safe for me" and I have no possibility on getting it back). I'm completely dependent on my next payment and the little bit I have on me that'll go to a train ticket and rent.
Therefore I really need the money.
💬 0 🔁 16 ❤️ 10 · Commissions on hold until I figure out a payment method · I am saving up to move out of my parents house so I am kind of
Here's more info about prices, changes can probably be made, although not too much, since I still need it, I'm pretty much desperate at this point. DMs should be open on any of my alts ( @caffe1ne @milorant )
Any help is appreciated. If you're unable to help financially, I'd appreciate sharing it so much. Do not feel bad, though, because I am very much understanding.
Other examples of my art can be found in #polart on this account and #milorant on @milorant
i get that they've been in situations where they've shared hotel rooms and whatnot, but smii7y, kryoz, and blarg know a suspicious amount about each other's sleeping habits and patterns...
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Smitty is unaware that this is happening (for now) because he thinks it's just John being his usual flirty self.
Add-ons:
Note: Previously, most of my add-ons have been from a third-person perspective. However, it is a bit hard to describe what feels like regular reality as if it was odd. As such, most of these add-ons are thoughts and dialogue in order to get into the mindset of the character, rather than narrating their experience from an outsider's perspective.
What's this? An advertisement for a sink? How lame… wait a minute. This brand's logo has an "S" that is coloured white: this is from Smitty! How thoughtful of him to ask me to get a new sink! I might not be able to pay my rent if I get this, but if he insists! I know he has my best interests in mind!
"I visited Canada once when I was younger and bought a milkbag plushie. When I discovered Smitty's avatar was a milkbag, I realised we were destined to be together since forever. I mean, why else would I be led to Canada, his place of residence, to buy it? I was meant to find a milkbag soulmate there, and I found him!"
(Smitty painted a bouquet of flowers and posted it online.) I know those flowers are for me. You painted that, every stroke calculated and intentional, for me. I know this bouquet was meant to be a silent confession to me, something you thought I would look over, but I'm not a blind mouse. You don't have to hide it. I can see right through you. Go on. Tell me the truth. (John continuously taunts Smitty into saying that the painting was for him. He never did, but John thinks he is too shy to admit it.)
"This song has Smitty's name in it! I've been listening to this song before I had ever known him! Don't you see? I was supposed to fall in love with him and didn't even realise it until now!"
(John is watching Smitty from a bush, while on a call with Matt.) "Look, look! Smitty is wearing an orange cap: my favourite colour! Look, look, look! He is wearing a ruby bracelet: my birth stone! He keeps thinking about me until he wears things that reminds him of me, isn't that cute?" (John waves to Smitty. Smitty gives John an uneasy smile.)
The acronym on that website is SLJ! "Smitty Loves John!" You're not slick, Smitty!
Ever since I decided to integrate the idea of Matt as my dad into my life, especially when I'm hurt, I've been more... vocal?
Before, I used to be able to hide my breakdowns, save for a few panic attacks which left me gasping for air. I was good at keeping my breathing in check and responding without my voice sounding ruined.
Now, however, I whimper and whine like an injured dog. Although I still have the skills of hiding my crying sessions, they are becoming increasingly difficult to maintain. I guess it's because I'm confiding with someone I trust, and I've nothing to hide from him.
I'm scared I would make noise at an inappropriate time. I am grateful my emotions are revealing itself, though.
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Smitty can't bring himself to do so, no matter how much he wants to, because he might be perceived as weak by his other male friends.
Add-ons:
Smitty does become affectionate with John in private. He hugs and cuddles him as if he needs John to survive. He has immense self-shame and doubt of doing so, but tells himself that no one is watching.
John feels unloved in their friendship because he is only spared a small amount of genuine physical intimacy with Smitty. Smitty kisses and holds hands with John for laughs, but he doesn't see anything meaningful in his actions because he didn't take them seriously.
John starts to develop the same thoughts Smitty has. Maybe, Smitty was right all along, and he should toughen up to face reality head-on as a true man.
More John & Smitty prompts! (Focusing on romantic relationships.)
Contains topics of internalised homophobia.
Smitty:
When dating other women, he keeps flicking back to articles written by men. Men who promised they had women's best interests in mind: "hit the gym and go on this diet and all the women will fall for you!" Due to a deteriorating mental health from being too engrossed in these subjects, he became more and more demotivated to follow them. As a result, he thinks of himself as a failure.
He is too emotionally distant. Though all the women in his life beg for him to open up, he never does. It's not manly to cry, it's not manly to show your emotions. Women only like strong men who don't feel any emotion. It's the core reason why everyone leaves him; they think he never cared enough about the relationship for him to deepen it. Most of all, when they leave, he never begs for them to stay; what kind of a pathetic man would chase after someone?
All of those pictures with him and his girlfriends had that same stupid smile. That stupid, plain, meaningless, photo-perfect smile. It's enough to make himself handsome, it's not enough to show any emotion beneath it. In private, he looks back, and wished the corners of his mouth spread across his face a little bit more; it was not for anyone's pleasure, it was so that he can remember how to smile when he was ignorant of other boys' expectations of him. Those past photos of Smitty, a heart on his sleeve and heaven in his eyes, never existed.
John:
John is gay. He's already an outcast; being gay means he is not masculine enough because a true man only desires a woman. He tells himself he needs to shun that behaviour and he will be a true man.
He goes on multiple dates with women. Even if he never liked a woman romantically, he still desired her to hold him the way Smitty never did, he still wanted to pour his heart out without any afterthought. It never happened. All of his dates were surface-level: typical.
Whenever he finds a man attractive, he cries and cries, burns images of naked women into his head so he can prove to himself he likes them.
He goes to the gym, he follows a strict diet, he dates women; he does everything the men online told him to do, but he was never happy with himself. He tries and tries to be masculine but it is almost as if he is always falling short. There is always something wrong with him, a standard he can never meet.
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