Now that tadc finale is out I can finally reveal myself.
The movie cost me a lot of energy and emotions. It came out in one of the lowest points of my life and made me cry for a week straight. I'm still recovering, but I don't feel good about the movie. I have fucking *trauma reaction* on some stuff from the movie.
I considered leaving the fandom entirely just for the sake of my mental health and stability. But thanks to my dear editor, @kup-la , I found a strength to continue my fanfics.
You see, one of the problems is that with transfem Jax now I felt like my fanfics are a lie and continuing them the way they are - with male Jax - would be not only against canon, but also against people. And I don't want to be against fandom, especially against the LGBT community. My version of Jax in Reconnecting wasn't supposed to be cithet, but wasn't supposed to be transfem either. I was dancing around gender non-conforming and/or androgynous/gender fluid for both Jax and Pomni. While in The Side Project I didn't plan on touching gender/sexuality topic of main protagonists at all.
Other problem was just simply the way Jax died. I won't get into details, because I saw a few people covering that topic already. You just have to know that I had a very strong physical reaction to everything that reminded me of Jax for a whole week. It's much better now, thanks to a lot of support from my friends and family, and I want to especially publicly thank @kup-la my editor, who spent HOURS on talking with me and helping me get through these feelings for the last two weeks.
So what now? I'm resting. I will go to therapy today. I'm taking meds. I'm trying to recover. And for my mental health, I will be much less active in tadc fandom on social media platforms.
I will unfollow some people here on Tumblr and please don't take it personally. I just want to have less tadc on my dash for my own comfort. I won't be blocking anyone, don't worry.
I will continue my fanfics the same exact way I planned to. I won't write anything more than these two fanfic, but I am deeply attached to my stories and I'm determined to finish them. I'm not doing well, so please be patient with my slower pace of writing. I need time to recover and rebuild my confidence in my fanfics.
I will be available, I will answer comments and asks, post updates about my fanfic. But i won't be reblogging or posting anything else tadc related.
Thank you all, my readers, for a lot of support over this entire year. This fandom was a fun place to be and I'm happy that my writing touched a lot of people. Thank you all, for all your nice comments and warm words
