Now or Never

I’m bold, that what I thought! I am actually vulnerable, only I can feel how weak I am from the inside, how much sorrow I hold inside.

It’s insane how I shine bright, brighter than the future for people, but deep dive I am dark, darker than the soul of evil. I spend my nights up, thinking that change will eventually come along alone, thinking that opportunities will come trough & knock my doorbell. Spending nights with scrolling walls, watching people’s life, stories, food, travels, achievements, life events, comparing others to myself, thinking how come? some of them I studied with, some of them I went out with, I was better than them! OMY this arrogance of before. This old me! that made the actual me. I hate! I hate myself people, everything! I hate my life. I just want to rest in peace. I’m nothing for this society anyway!

In the graveyard, watching stupid videos, I don’t feel like I want to move on from my place. I used to be dreamy, but the reality is harsh. I imagined myself achieving things I wanted, but destiny was way different. Things never went the way I wanted. Life sucks for me.

Living in a world of favoritism, of social classes where the upper classes eat the parts of poor people. Where rich profit from the effort of the poor and throw some dollars, thinking that it’s enough. Where the rich spend money on nothing in front of the poor while this one needs a little part of that money to cover for energy or to buy warm clothes for the winter.  

While some are hospitalized in foreign countries, others are waiting for their turn in public diminished hospitals that barely have doctors with no hygiene or enough logistics to heal the mass. Without noticing people who are dying every day from hunger, from lack of transportation lack of medical points.

I used to forget about my personal matters aside and accumulate the suffering of others, I really can’t stand it anymore. I used to fight and come up with new ideas now I am just focused on my personal terms. My own challenges hitting me to the bottom. 

I went through a lot of disorders since I was a child, I saw many unbeautiful pictures. My dad was an alcoholic, my mom was under the daily stress of the daddy when he goes drunk, making food, taking care of us, trying to handle the grandmother issues before she dies. All she wanted back then is o protect us,I was so young that I didn’t realize why she was overstressed, I didn’t notice that all she was doing was for us. 

In fact, my daddy’s story didn’t stop there, all days drunk, every weekend nights out with his “friends” joy and loud music, until everything was blurred, the loudness of the music turned into the song of the heart machine, and the crowded club turned into an empty room with one window where my mom was watching him dies, the smell of smoke and alcohol turned into the smell of medicine & ill bodies. 

One or two months between life and death, I don’t really remember facts but I perfectly remember my feelings. I was worried, I didn’t want to lose my dad, the man of my life, my first and only true love, finally opened his eyes, calling my name SAM. waiting At the corridor every day every night with my mom the nurse called my mom and told her whose SAM, he opened his eyes and called this name. My mom was crying with happiness she took my hands I remember I was 11 years old back then, with tears of happiness we went to see him. 

Just this memory was a huge block in my life, didn’t care about anything that came next from heart breaks betrayals or so on. Just this image I kept was enough for me to move  from any harsh situation.

I said to myself that I needed a community where I can express my darkness, where I can reach the greatness, help people achieving their dreams, I gave it all, I served from the bottom of my heart, even if I was broke, and my family couldn’t afford at least my transportation costs. 

Knowing that after my dad’ crush mom started to work as a teacher in kindergarten, so she managed some children who needed supplement hours, I helped them and earned some cash to afford clothes and transportation. 

Still in the process, I now do everything for her sake. for my mom & dad who died in living the rest of his life with the mind of a child, even so I love him & I will never allow someone or something to touch up their feelings. They are all I have in this life. 

A dream I want to make true, work hard untill I’ll make enough money to travel with my family, this image I always have in mind me sitting next to my father meditating in front of the beach, yeah I dream of traveling with him I’ve never did as a grown girl.