reinvent

I was just sitting there looking at my own VSCO and I realized that I have no idea what people think when they see me. I could be pretty, or average, or skinny, or “meh.” It has gotten to a point where I don’t even know what I see anymore. I’m at a stage in life where I am confident, but also so exhausted by trying to reach the level of “perfection” that I am constantly exposed to that I’ve just accepted myself in kind of a sad way. It’s like, I am unable to achieve “beauty” but I guess I am fine with it. And I guess that’s better than being sad about my appearance, but it’s unfair to me that, in a way, the world has told me to “settle” on my natural appearance. For example, when I used to starve myself to look like an instagram model, I would walk around feeling beautiful. Now, I recognize that was an unhealthy way to live and I don’t want to return to that state, but I also haven’t managed to feel that kind of confidence again. 

Something triggered me to start thinking about my childhood. I remember when I was young, I always wanted to look like Ashley Tisdale in Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Because when I was 8 there was no Instagram. The women young girls were exposed to were on TV where there was no photoshop and editing. And don’t get me wrong, Ashley Tisdale is still a pretty girl, but now we are constantly admiring women with unrealistic appearances like the Kardashians, EmRata, Alexis Ren, and more. It’s like over the past ten years all of the mainstream celebrities’ noses and waists have gotten smaller while their lips and butts have gotten bigger. You used to be able to be just a regular looking person and be attractive, now we all want to conform to this one expectation. It’s like how everyone used to be totally accustomed to regular headphones but then they came out with AirPods. And suddenly everyone wanted AirPods but only the people willing to waste $200 could get them. Today’s beauty standards are literally just as ridiculous as AirPods but somehow STILL less attainable.