Finally going ginger

Still bad with partners friends. Round 4.

I have to rotate 45 degrees every 15 mins like a spit lamb to fall asleep

Flashback of letting this disgusting guy have sex with me when I was wasted and clocking the detached and flapping sole of his dress shoe.

Now I’m alone in the small illuminated box atop the headland and everyone can see in from miles away and all I see is endless inky black

In my desperation to be low maintenance I’ve become needy and alone. So I quickly switch tact and start saying yes to everything again.

Skipping work heading to the seaside writing down every bad thought until I’ve talked my way around and out of them eating fish turning my phone off reading long short stories taking supplements lifting weights on the threadbare mat at home being very very alone lying in the sun avoiding mirrors letting my hair recover from all the strain bringing notepads leaving cameras nothing to record except memory and pencil stretching writing yoga sequences forcing my spark to return without him releasing the worry about him not loving me when he tells me he does endlessly

I am needless. I am needless. My momentary mantra.

I don't believe in the distribution of emotional need fulfilment amongst friends and as a result my relationship is suffering.

A really fuck it attitude in the air at the moment. A real heaviness.