a message i'll never send but i've written a thousand times
Hey, this is my name. I know we haven’t talked in a long time and I don’t want you to read this and think I am trying to rekindle any friendship between us because I’m done with trying that, I think too much has happened and we are just two very different people. You don’t have to answer or even read this, I’m not even sure if I want you to or not. A memory from Vancouver came up and it made me reflect on some stuff and there was a lot of stuff I never got to say because I just wanted the conversation to be over at the time, also sorry this is long and mostly me rambling.
To start, I had never wanted to make a whole fuss of your birthday, honestly it was never something I ever intended for you to even see and I’m sorry about how it went down. My only intention at the time was to ask G if I had upset somebody because at the time it felt like everything I said in the groupchat was being ignored and despite trying to make plans with G for all of us to get together, multiple times, I was never being invited to anything anymore. So seeing all these posts of you celebrating together it made all my paranoia bubble up and I wanted to ask her cause I never wanted to try and guilt you or make you stress at all over your birthday because it wasn’t like I believed I was entitled to be invited or anything silly like that but I just felt like I may have done something that unintentionally hurt someone, and at the time I felt she was most likely to be straightforward with me. When I texted her I thought that you had all gone your separate ways and that she would be at home, after texting her I saw you were all still together and it made me feel really ganged up on because I could tell instead of talking to anyone one on one I was being talked down to by a group of people. I will admit I definitely could have phrased things better but at the time I was dealing with living completely on my own and just overall feeling very emotional and isolated. However I still do stand by my opinion that some things said to me were unwarranted and in some cases just downright mean spirited. I don’t have the messages anymore because they auto delete after a year, however I still remember some of that shit cause it sucked.
I get now that you had never really considered me a close friend which hurt at the time to find out because I had considered you one of my best friends. I had always really struggled to make friends and so when I got to high school and became friends with the group I felt so happy because I had finally found people that I thought wanted me around. I thought you were so sweet and kind and just a generally good person and so when I thought you considered me a friend it made me happy. Knowing that wasn’t true still sends me through a loop because I wonder if I just imagined it all, was I actually that annoying person that always managed to tag along, maybe or maybe not, maybe there was a point where you genuinely considered me a friend, I don’t know if I will ever know for sure. Regardless I thought we were close and yet everyone always forgot my birthday, the only wishes I ever got were if someone said it in a group chat and people followed suit. I know you think it’s its stupid, you’ve told me, I’ll always remember being told that “expecting anyone to remember to text me was too high an expectation” and “I was going to hurt my relationships in the future”, or “if I wanted anyone to remember I had to text them reminders to text me”. (That’s all still such a mindfuck to me, I have had to ask so many people if I was crazy over that because you made me feel like such a conceited person, general consensus was no I was not crazy and that was weird) It hurt though cause it felt this only happened to me, everyone else could have birthday parties and all the well wishes in the world, but I was stuck with a party people didn’t want to come to and any ones I tried to plan after never happened because everyone was always “busy”. In the end all I really wanted was to be remembered, at that point I would have traded 100 birthday parties for my friends to just feel happy I existed and remember me, unprompted. I know you think it’s dumb but you also have never had my experience, you have never had a birthday, home alone, where the only people that remember are your parents who call you halfway through the day, you haven’t waited up until midnight to see if anyone even remembered and no one did. I have lived that multiple times and it sucks, so it made me mad when you said it didn’t bother you because no shit, you’ve never experienced it, a couple people forgetting is different to almost every single person you consider important in your life forgetting every year. I know it's not a struggle competition but I had brought this up in Vancouver and it still baffles me because you all agreed it sucked, you said oh shit, that is really sucky of us, we are sorry, we will be better, but when nothing changed, I was deemed a bitch for getting a bit upset. I had always made sure to put that effort in for others because I didn’t want anyone to feel the way I did, so I kept everyone’s birthdays in my phone calendar so I would never forget and that way if everyone else did forget at least one person remembered. It’s embarrassing, but I cried when I took yours out because I thought I was being unnecessarily mean to you, even though it was something you would never even know about if I didn’t tell you. You told me I would have to remind you if I wanted you to remember which also makes me laugh because even when I reminded you of E's you still forgot, it is not too high an expectation to want your friends to love and care for you and to just remember the little details you find important. There will be many times in your life where you may not view something as important but someone you care for will and you will just have to swallow that pill and embrace and celebrate those things for them.
You said after Vancouver you thought I didn't like you, but the truth was I was just very apprehensive. I still very much considered you my friend but you had hurt my feelings badly, both my boyfriend and my mom were telling me I shouldn’t be friends with you anymore because I was just winding up hurt and they didn’t think you cared about me. But I was insistent on trying to mend things because you were important to me, I considered you one of my closest friends and I didn’t want to lose you over something so silly as a trip. When it came to G's birthday I begged and pleaded for my boyfriend to come with me because I wanted everyone to meet him, to try and continue to fix things but he wouldn’t come if you were going to be there. He felt it was unfair to my efforts to repair things if he came, he was still upset with you because he felt I never had a proper apology for what had happened and he was holding a grudge, he thought it might make things worse if he came and was inevitably cold to you while I was trying to be friends again. I’m not sure if you knew about that but for full honesty that is what happened that night.
When E came home last summer, you were extremely petty and just weird to me. It was my idea to get together, I asked her about it privately and she asked if I wanted you there or not and even then I said I did, I wasn’t necessarily trying to be friends again but I didn’t want to burn my bridges and wanted to be the bigger person, and at least be friendly with you. So I was the one that reached out, I tried planning it because I wanted to see my friend and maybe you wanted to see her too. You said nothing on it until I said I couldn’t do a specific time and then that was suddenly the time that worked perfect for you after you had literally said nothing this entire time. Which wtf, again this was something I was planning because I wanted to see my friend and I extended that opportunity to you and you were like thanks my name for doing this but I would prefer if you couldn’t come to your own get together like ok what’s your problem with me, last time I checked I hadn’t vetoed your opinion on what should have been a group decision and dismissed you from spending time together. I didn’t complain about the things you wanted to see and then spent our time at those places complaining at anything you looked at and instead dragging us to things I preferred. I didn’t turn your first kiss and getting together with your boyfriend into an inside joke with a guy I wasn’t even dating yet that you had never met, I didn’t then tell you that I had been mocking you with him (I never brought this up to you because it felt stupid but that was seriously messed up, like that is evil bully stuff from a bad movie). You don’t even like E that much and suddenly you were trying to disinvite me from my own plans to see her, to what? Get back at me for saying while I didn’t think I should be invited to everything it sucked to be pretty much ghosted for half a year?? Like if we are being honest, what horrible things did I do to you that made you, G, and A all cut me off like you did? And throughout the entire night you felt the need to talk all about the things the three of you had been doing together and making new plans without me in front of me. You made what was supposed to be a night to visit with E about getting some weird petty revenge on me. I felt so dumb for even trying to invite you, so when she came back the next time we just hung out as the two of us and I wish I did that in the first place. It sucks how this has impacted my friendships with G and A as well, when you are around they treat me very stiffly, but in the moments you weren’t around in August it was like nothing had changed and at that moment we were still the same friends we had all always been. I’m not going to spend my time trying to sustain a friendship like that though, I deserve better.
In the past there were days I just wanted to scream because in the end I lost three people I considered my closest friends over my own feelings being squashed on a trip and a text reaching out to ask what happened. I hadn't spread rumours about you or stolen your boyfriend, I didn't do anything to you besides feel hurt that you kept pushing me out of what was supposed to be a trip as a group of friends. Even when we left Vancouver I thought we had fixed things and that we would continue to be friends only to never hear from you after we got back and E left. You made me into this pariah of the friend group and then lashed out when I got upset and communicated my feelings poorly. You wrote me off so quickly. It broke my heart at the time, I wanted to say so many mean things but I won't, even if some are deserved.
Anyways I’m sorry for how things ended, I’ve asked myself if I had done things differently if we would still be friends and even then I don’t think we would be, I think something was always going to come up between us. It felt like you were starting to see me as beneath you and we just didn’t have aligning interests anymore. Someday I hope we can see each other, smile, and move on separately, but I don't think we can ever be friends and at this point I really don't want to. I’m not sure if you're curious about my life or not, but I am still with my boyfriend and am going to university in the fall for psych and hopefully law afterwards.
Also I’m sorry about your dog, she was a good girl.
this is just to vent cause this is my only platform where no one knows me, still i censored names where i noticed them but might have missed a few.
titsay
gummygunk
origamiaround
dailybridgerton
ellievsbear
