through a glass, darkly;

split my lip for the innocence i know lies beneath. i think i almost drowned this summer & the swimming pool where i tried is on fire now. this body feels strange & hollow, halfway between an exhale & something else. i want sunsets. i want rooftops. i want to be uninhabitable, the way light falls through an open window. need to be something other than nothing & paint myself as a being instead of a collective. i can’t live through this  loveless july. the air before a lightning storm strikes between my ribs & then i am rendered sharp as falling rain, the color of home changing to ozone. i don’t think i ever left that swimming pool. the skyline is on fire & i am lighting matches on my lips. let me dream for a little while longer, please.

I CRAVE PRETTY BOY. I CRAVE ANGELIC TEETH. I CRAVE SOME SENSE OF INSANITY, MY JAW LOCKED DOWN IN EXPECTATION OF THE INCOMING HIT. I HAVEN'T KNOWN HIM LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND SINCE 2017, AND YET HE LIVES ON A LAWN CHAIR IN MY BRAIN, ENJOYING THE ONLY UN-HOSTILE HOME HE'S EVER BEEN ABLE TO FIND. I SAY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, HONEY, AND I SAY, I'LL MAKE ROOM FOR YOU, AND I SAY, I WON'T SMOKE YOU OUT EVEN IF YOU GIVE ME A REASON. HE BIT THE HAND THAT FEEDS HIM, SO NOW I FEED HIM WITH GLOVES ON. HE GETS FAT OFF MY BRAIN MATTER WHILE I WASTE AWAY ON HIS SKINNY LOVE.

I’ve been dreaming about you, honey, lilac veil covering your body and walking beneath laurel trees. you took me to the meadow near the river. you brought the wind. i wanted to be enough for you but i was like the wildflowers, overwhelming your landscape but never pretty enough to go home with you. and even if i did, tomorrow i’d die on your windowsill, gentle as air.

Mid summer afternoon naps and leftover chinese food.Naked sweat and nightime love. 80’s hip hop plays. I could peel my skin and still find your tongue on this body. My fingers grown accustomed tracing your back. I do it subconsciously in air. My body language in depression give me 70/30. Provocative is a girl’s name. I shower and i reek with your love.I’m still me with you. Your smile can break my heart and put it together at the same time. You are still you with me. Our pitted stomach grow seeds and then roots. You placed your i love yous behind my upper molar. My pink dildo still in a drawer. I love you too.