Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhusbandsays - Tumblr Blog

me: there was a miscommunication when making the grocery list. you can agree that's what happened, right, [husband]?

husband, to the kids: mommy fucked up.

me: *dies laughing*

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Husband: Can you scritch my scalp or rub my back to help me fall asleep? It’s comforting to me to have your hand or arm or back pressed against my skin.

Me: *moves my leg so my knee is pressed against his butt*

Husband: That... is NOT one of the things I listed...

#smhs #shitmyhusbandsays

Husband: Since you started therapy, do you think your writing quality has gotten better?

Me: Yeah, because I’m not using it as an escape tool any more. I’m able to focus more on how I want it to come out.

Husband: Oh, like a big poop?

🤨😒😑😩😂😂😂

#shitmyhusbandsays #smhs #what a weirdo

Husband: You good, babe?

Me: *flips him off*

Husband: That’s not an answer. I was just looking for a status update.

Me: If you want a fucking status update, look at FaceBook.

Husband: *scrolls through FaceBook for a few seconds* Oh, you’re just tired and ugly.

😮😮😮😮😮😮

#smhs #shit my husband says #to be clear - he was joking #it was a reference to something i posted

Husband: I don’t remember the reason, but I know it was asinine.

Me: I give your ass a nine.

#smhs #shit my husband says #except it was me #i said it

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Me: That was just condescending.

Husband: I’ll give you condescending.

Me: What, you’re gonna become a criminal and go down a flight of stairs?

Husband: ......have you ever thought of punching yourself in the face...?

#smhs #shit my husband says #😂😂#he really does love me

Husband: A majority of my life is spent explaining things. Between coworkers, kids...

Me: And me?

Husband: No, we grow from each other.

Me: Nah, I’m pretty much stuck at five foot three.

#smhs #shit my husband says #im a little shit #but he loves me anyway #i mean #i think he does #he married me after all

Me: I'mma change my name to Magma, because I lava you!

Husband: No.

#smhs #shit my husband says #except its me #i said it

Husband: You were just advising me today -

Me: Oh, no, I wasn't advising. I was bitching. I'll admit it, I was bitching.

Husband: - about your struggles with sleep real estate last night.

Me: Sleep real estate?!?!

Husband: Yeah. I guess there was a lane dispute?

#smhs #shit my husband says #im still giggling

Husband: *talking and being a smartass*

Me: Unrelated, but do we have duct tape?

Husband: ....that seems very related.

#smhs #shit my husband says #except it's me saying it

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Me: Demiromantic means you don't really have attraction romantically without an emotional connection.

Husband: Oh. Makes sense. That's how it should be.

Me: No, not really. You can have romantic attraction without a connection. Like, being attracted to someone and wanting a romantic relationship without the emotional connection.

Husband: No, I really can't!

yeah, I walked into that one on my own... 😂

#smhs #shit my husband says

Husband: It wasn't me.

Me: *sarcastically* Okay, Shaggy.

Husband: I don't see a camera. *looks at phone's forward-facing camera* Fucking NSA.

#smhs #shit my husband says

Me: I love you. Will you marry me?

Husband: No.

Me: Ow.

Husband: Polygamy is illegal.

Bonus:

#smhs #shit my husband says #our relationship in a nutshell

Husband: I would eat the fuck out of your face. Your nose is going down!!!

#smhs #shit my husband says #wtf

Husband: 'Eyyyyy.

Me: What, are you the Fonz?

Husband: No, the Fonz wishes he was me.

Me: Yeah, maybe he wouldn't be so popular then.

#smhs #shit my husband says #we're so mean #but we truly love each other

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Me: You're twisting my words!

Husband: I'm *clarifying* your words.

Me: What, am I butter? Does it look like my shit needs clarifying?

Husband: I dunno, go wipe.

#smhs #shit my husband says #wtf

Me: Jesus, would Keanu Reeves actually ever look his damn age?

Husband: Do you know how much that would cost in hardware upgrades??

#shit my husband says #smhs #keanu reeves is a robot

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