ji-ka

why ramadhan and eid always leave a bittersweet feeling. and turned out it’s just not me

it is said that to die in ramadhan is a blessing. happiness is to be that person, relief is to know your loved ones are included, and grief is to lose them during those times

perhaps it’s also considered a blessing to be born during the month. where good deeds are being multiplied and the light of the heaven shines the brightest during the year

and i happened to witness both with my loved ones. making ramadhan as a yearly reminder to reflect on life

Malu aku oleh lupa yang membuatmu seakan tidak berbuat dan usahanya hanya dariku

Padahal kan tidak

Lupa aku oleh ria yang membuatmu seakan tidak hadir dan momentumnya hanya milikku

Padahal kan bukan

Riya aku oleh segala yang membuatmu seakan tidak primer dan hasilnya hanya untukku

Padahal kan salah

Datang lagi malam tanpa batas yang tiap detiknya terlewat keluhan dan tiap bayangnya terlihat gelisah dan ketakutan yang fana.

Muncul lagi birama tanpa nada yang tiap ketuknya tak beraturan dan tiap detaknya diharap melemah tanpa perlu terdiam sejenak.

Terbit lagi elegi tanpa koma yang tiap baitnya terkandung ungkapan dan tiap katanya tersirat emosi yang kadung meluap tanpa sempat dibukukan.

sembari senyum ia diam memandang

ananda tumbuh jadi orang

serasa kemarin ia ditendang

kandung kasih

dielus

diajak bicara

dalam senandung

mengalunkan ayat yang dibaca

sembari menangis ia diam merenung

apa bisa debu merindukan tuan

bila yang terkasih hanyalah titipan

maka waktu hanyalah kiasan

yang dirasa nyata malah sirna

bagaimana bisa kasih membekas di garis wajah seorang anak tanpa jejak?

Sedang kata yang pertama terucap bukanlah mama

umur dikali dua

tahun terlihat sama

rumah lama berpindah punya

siapa sangka hidup susah diterka?

saat angan yang terhempas malah jatuh dalam pelukan

yang jalannya diterangi doa

dalam hening

pagi menjelang

diselimuti sinar terang

dan aroma telur di pagi buta

sampai bertemu di akhir senja

years has passed and rejection has changed into acceptance, but the thought of facing it again haunts me like a nightmare.

and you and i know the only way to deal with it is to remember and have a faith that we can pass through it because He said so.

To Him we shall return.

there was a time when the sparks turned me into wildfires

lasted for years, almost decades

showered with tears, but never fades

perhaps you’ve seen the flare

never bothered to even stare

or just blinded by the glare

baby i’d paint the sky to ease your gaze

though you’ll never look up

baby i’d melt the frozen branches in glaze

thought i’ll never give up

now it leaves me with your ‘whatever’

the dying ember in a cold December

just light me up every whenever

anytime’s fine long as you remember

just tell me before it rains

and you cancel all the plans

now it leaves me in your hands

god only knows how long i’ll stand

until my warm comes to an end

to wait for you to understand

Ketika jarak dengan kematian hanya setipis kertas tisu yang mudah robek

I feel like the source of all my own problems is myself. The high expectations. The moody feelings. The difficiulties of controlling my emotion (whether it is sadness, frustration, happiness, or disappointment). The overthinking brain.

I feel like everybody doesn't like me. I don't even like myself and all of the weakness that i have.

I really want to change. I really do. But at the same time, i feel like i cannot change the impression that people have about the old me. Or at least most people.

There are ofcourse friends that got my back and accept me for who i am. But i cannot always depend on them. Not everyone can handles me as nice as people who've fully known me and understand that i really don't mean that. That i always feel sorry everytime i can't handle my own emotion.

I tried to talk with 2 people (besides my friends) and ask for their opinion about my weakness. I was lucky that one of them is really open and can understand it. But not everyone is like him. Besides, i feel like the talk can also increase the gap that may already big.

I understand that i cant make all people like me. It's hard to be someone likable for me. I know every body has their own weakness, and this is mine. But i really want to overcome this.

I also understand that it may not be entirely my fault. But only if i could have been nicer in the first place, life would be so much better now.

The only thing that i can do now is to communicate this with the others who are affected. Keep trying to change and fix my weaknesses. And don't over think about this again.

Well all 3 things i mentioned before are really hard for me. It takes a lot of courages, and i also need to swallow my pride in order to listen to everyone's feedback, for the sake of my own self-improvement.

25-12-2019

It's funny how you can be fine and the next second you're not.

Wondering what's wrong with yourself while you think there's none. Starting to blame the situation while also thinking it is the way it is. Just swallow it and you'll be fine eventually.

I knoooow it's going to be ok. I know I don't get to skip this pitiful, challenging, god-knows-when-will-it-ends phase. And yes, others are dealing with it too. Hey at least I'm not the only one. As if 'at least' is a good phrase for consolation.

And the next day you feel you're the one who is lacking. Should've done that, should've said that, etc etc etc. Or the feeling of wanting to run away somewhere you don't even know where. And many other what ifs.

I suddenly had the thought of me in the future reading this desperation. Or maybe you're the one reading it. But I don't know why I can't guess what you and I will think. I don't even know what to do now except for trying and praying.

What's the purpose of this sad sad post? Maybe you know.

20-10-2019

Emma isn't a person. Emma is a place that you get stuck in. Emma is a pain you can't erase. - Justin Vernon