do i need a title

Im actually doing good. Im hanging out with friends alot, experiencing new things. I'm driving now, which i was terrified of but its gotten better and im proud of that.

Im no longer in that big sad hole. i had convinced myself that i was unlovable and alot of me assumed i deserved the shit i was put threw. I dont believe that anymore. I know better now.

He was my bestfriend, it feels like he was the one, that once in a lifetime love

Im not sure if your saying fucking what becouse its crazy wild for someone to do or if your saying it becouse its confusing but i figure i should give you more context.

I had a boyfriend. We dated for 4 years and broke up early this year. I broke up with him because hes honestly not very nice. I have a tendency to post personal things during a break down because it feels like talking into the void. And something about that feels safer then actually texting someone. I think ive posted on here before about him.

I stayed as long as i did for alot of reasons. When i broke up with him i wasnt really ready. I love him, he made me feel wonderful. Ive never allowed myself to fall in love but it was easy with him. he is/was the only person ive ever felt truly exceptionally safe with. I clung to that. His anger made me afraid and he was often angry. Somehow i still felt safe with him.

His anger was loud and alot of my things got broken but somehow and i dont understand how i still feel safe with him. He asked to stay monogamous at least while we lived together. The day we stopped living together he told me not to cheat on him. I wasnt ready to stop being us yet so i clung to that. He got really cold and distant and angry.

I probably should have realized he'd decided we were done done but i honestly didn't. I thought people had to talk about it before it was official. And i really didnt want to let go yet. Being the first person to ever love me before ment a lot to me. I've never been loved romantically and he was so important to me.

He ignored me on my birthday and the day after i had multiple coworkers telling me hes been seeing our coworker who was a mutual friend. I honestly had multiple break downs and spent alot of time sobbing.

I've talked to him since and he swears up and down shes just a friend but hes done. He says we agreed that being monogamous was only till we stopped living together. I brought up that he told me not to cheat on him so i thought we were still monogamous. He says he doent remember saying that.

I was busy with work and life and i didnt text her back

I didnt know it would be the last time she texted me

That it would be the last i love you

That i would never get to say i love you back

I thought we had all the time in the word i thought i had time to text her i love you i didnt know it was too late

I had been thinking about it i missed my mom then but everytime i got out of work i knew shed be sleeping and i stupidly couldnt find the time before work to text 3 simple words

I fell asleep thinking about her i fell asleep the night she died thinking i needed to call her in the morning and i woke up to a call from my little sister

Our mom never made it to bed