We find out that the very first practice stage kiss that Cynthia and Lydia have in 1x05 at the Halloween party is sort of Cynthia’s gay awakening since she had never kissed a girl before but it was not Lydia’s gay awakening. In episode 10 she tells Cynthia that she met a girl at summer stock who she would meet behind the cabins and kiss until the girl started pretending like it never happened. The point is: Lydia already knew she was gay before meeting Cynthia.
During the Halloween party she goes into the room where she knows Cynthia is and greets her by name. Cynthia, who is in a full ant costume, asks how Lydia knew it was her and she says she studies her gait. She tells her she walks “like a neurotic pigeon”, trying to play it off. I don’t know about any of you, but I would not be studying anyone if I didn’t have some kind of interest in them. You don’t pay THAT much attention to someone who you’re indifferent to or who annoys you.
She recognized that Cynthia was gay (whether or not Cynthia realized it herself) the moment she met her and that is when I think the interest started. Even if it was just in the back of her mind at first, I think it was immediately there. That is why she followed Cynthia into the room that night and then ultimately offered to kiss her. It was the perfect setup. She could kill two birds with one stone: help Cynthia with the play AND prove something to herself. “The quicker you get something over with, the less of a deal it becomes in your mind.” This is what she tells Cynthia about the kiss but it has a double meaning. The obvious one is that the quicker Cynthia practices the kiss the less nervous she will be on stage during the play. The second is what Lydia wants to prove to herself: the quicker she kisses Cynthia, the less of a deal Cynthia will be in her mind and then she’ll stop thinking about her and be able to move on.
Before watching episode 10 where it’s revealed that Lydia had kissed a girl before and already knew she was gay, I had assumed that both Lydia and Cynthia’s looks of realization immediately following the kiss were for the same reason: gay awakening. But after episode 10 we know that this isn’t the case for Lydia. Cynthia’s realization is that she likes kissing girls (even if she didn’t/couldn’t fully acknowledge it at the time due to internalized homophobia and/or compulsory heterosexuality), Lydia’s realization is that she likes kissing Cynthia (she already knows she likes kissing girls). She wanted it to feel like “kissing a wall” but it didn’t. It was the exact opposite. She then knew that she had to give in to her feelings for Cynthia. It was game over. It started out as a way to protect her heart. A one and done kiss and she would be free of these feelings but it backfired and proved the exact opposite. To echo Cynthia’s words in 1x10 there was “no going back now.”
