let's take ibuprofens

The morning rain was welcoming sight after the last few days of intense heat within Mondstat. Over the last weekend, you finally purchased a bed. Lohen had insisted to get something good quality for you both to share.

His reason? “We sleep better together anyways”, was all he recounted. That and it could save on money for other renovations needed for the house or place it into a “rainy-day fund”. Ironic for today.

You were due for an assignment in Dragonspine in coming days, something you weren’t looking forward to. The cold was one thing, but to be sent on a search team to recover lost items was a completely different thing. Jean had insisted due to your knowledge around rifles that it would be best if you were sent instead of a newer recruit. Your colleagues agreed, but in truth they also didn’t want to brave the cold.

It was funny to Lohen as you had to find your winter gear in the middle of Mondstat summer just to leave for the snowy mountain. Watching you mutter and complaining to yourself, hoping he couldn’t hear. He would have loved to join you, Dragonspine was always a risk to climb, he’s heard the old stories of adventurers getting snow-blinded from the constant storms and slipping down slopes of deadly black ice. Even more fun for him to have accompanied you.

But unfortunately, he had other occupations. The Grandmaster had requested he handle a specific upcoming investigation and assignment, meaning he would happily see you off on your journey but not follow you on it.

But for right now, the world was barely awakening, the sun had not shown itself, so the dark illusion of night still comforted you both. Snuggled up close in your bed, the room was in a blanket of darkness, the pitter-patter of rain droplets against the window wasn’t much of an alarm to disrupt your sleep.

Sleeping on your side, Lohen’s chest was pressed against your back. His arms encircled your middle, his hands holding your waist and hips, pulling you closer against him. As if the imaginary space between you was not enough, his face was pressed against the nape of your neck. Soft quiet breaths tickled the skin, but your body found comfort in the feeling.

Your hand, somewhere within your sleep, found his and never felt the need to let go. Within his deep slumber, his hand quickly adjusted and found yours, intwining your fingers together, locking the digits against one another.

You knew neither of you would admit it aloud the next morning, but for now, this small time, you’d allow yourself to relax. (That or Lohen would deny it outright and say you both must’ve been that exhausted).

Your deep slumber was only broken when your natural alarm clock started to remind you, as welcoming and wonderful this state of sleep was, you must awaken. Thus, your eyes flutter awake, forcing you back into the land of the walking and wakeful. Your eyes adjusted to the darkness; your eyes tried looking for a clock anywhere in reach but found nothing. Either it was too dark, or you didn’t care to read the time. It would remind you how much sleep you could pretend to have left.

A sigh leaves your lips; your head falls back on the pillow. The window was the only column of light you could make out. It seems it was close to morning, your sleepy deduction concluded.

With the slowest of movements, in hopes not to wake him, you tried turning to lay on your back. In hopes that maybe you could be released from Lohen’s grip. But with even the smallest, almost miniscule movement, the plush mattress dipped under your weight, alerting your sleeping husband.

Always the light sleeper, Lohen’s eyes fly open. If you weren’t in the knowledge that the “Bloodthirsty Knight” wouldn’t try to bring harm to you, you would have found it unsettling. Lohen lifts his head from the pillow, his eyes scan the room then quickly come back to you.

Once his eyes see you, his alert expression slowly melts back into something softer, he lowers his head once more, this time nuzzling into your neck. His arms pull you back against his front, holding you tightly as he could.

A small sound escapes your throat from the easy force used, but no discomfort came. What did come was Lohen snickering into your neck, his hair tickling your cheek as his head moved. Exerting enough energy, you release one of your arms to get hold of him.

Still laying on your right side, you freed your left hand to tug on his messy bed head. With a few gentle tugs, Lohen barely budged, but at the stronger yank! At his hair, a small hiss left his lips.

“If you’re gonna pull, you could do it a little harder, y’know,” He murmured against your skin; a small laugh escapes your lips before you can stop it. Lohen pulled you impossible as close as he could, clinging to you tightly. “Lohen, dearest I’d like to breath once in a while, please,” your words registered within him, thinking on it he did (almost begrudgingly) relax his hold on you.

“Thank you, I feared you were going to try absorb me with how tight your hold was”, your hand does massage his scalp, a soothing apology from before. Not that he cared for such, but he did relish in your touches.

He didn’t parry your attempt at banter, instead his hands continued to firmly hold you. Lohen’s fingers wishing to sink into your skin, feel your warmth underneath every digit. His skin felt electric, buzzing for more.

The barrier of your clothing did little to quell his dilemma. His breath against your neck, the small pants released from his lips warmed the surface of your skin, while giving you goosebumps. The buzz rolling down your spine, firing your nerves off at his slow exploration left you aching for more. A small gasp escapes your lips when you feel his lips press along your neck, Lohen worried he was crossing a boundary but instead your quiet noises encouraged him to continue.

His teeth nipped at your pulse point; his lips suckled on the skin as if he was trying to memorize your taste. A groan forms in his throat at your fingers tugging at his hair. Your nails scratching at his scalp so deliciously, your grip was firm as he liked it. His focus was everywhere but always on you, time melted away as he pressed closer into you. Wishing just to sink into you, carving a place into you only for him to rest in forever.

Your breath hitched when his fingers slipped under your sleep shirt, they didn’t dare move further than your stomach, but the touch was electrifying. Lohen inhaled deeply into his nose, shuddering slightly from feeling the warmth of your skin, his body felt like it was burning. That with each touch it would scorch your skin.

His lips pulled away from your neck leaving a mark in its wake. Even in the darkness of the room, he imagined it was noticeable enough for someone to take notice. To see his claim on you, his devotion to you and only you.

He knew possible when this haze is over, you’d probably scold him about having to hide it, but he could not bring himself to care. He didn’t want it to be hidden either, he wanted everyone to see, you were his.

As he was yours.

The quiet thing he had yet said aloud, but this will do…for now.

There was a warmth settling in the bottom of your stomach, a tingling so light and faint you could have imagined it. But the pooling warmth made you grip onto Lohen’s forearm. Stabilizing yourself from dipping in.

The room was warm; in the corners of your vision, it felt fuzzy. You could argue that getting this heated over him giving you a hickey should be nothing, but the ache growing across your body didn’t seem to agree. In the darkness, against your skin you could feel him smiling against your neck, his lips were moving but you couldn’t hear a thing he was saying.

Your head relaxes against the pillow; your hand comes to a stop within his hair. The rise and fall of your chest eases back into a steady rhythm.

No movement was felt, as if the moment would shatter right before you.

He pulled away from your neck; his hand removes itself from your stomach to cup your cheek. Turning you to face him. Your foreheads were pressed together.

He really thought you’d tell him to ease up by now, but in truth, you didn’t want him to.

The mixing of breath highlighted how close you were, morning breath or not, he wanted to taste you. To find a satisfying end to his starving search. His fingers twitch against your cheek, his touch felt like lighting you aflame.

Lohen’s eyes fall to half-lidded, his lips were only a whisper away-

Yet, it felt like the air gets snatched away from both of you at the loud unforgiving knocks at your front door. The fuzzy feeling swirling in your chest, the warmth beginning to pool in your lower abdomen dissipates at the interruption.

Blinking slowly, you try to believe it was just something your mind made up, to find logic and reason within the haze of untapped arousal, but no. Because Lohen too tensed, his body felt rigid against yours.

Lohen could feel his hips aching, there was a throbbing sensation tearing at his sensation that needed to be brought to attention. You both keep eye contact in the darkness, almost as if a prayer would come to not break everything.

The knocks come again, and again. Insistent for your immediate attention. Then a faint shout was heard too, calling either yours or Lohen’s name. Only muffled by the heavy wooden door.

A curse leaves his lips. It sounded more like a snarl than anything. Almost painfully he tears himself away from you, slipping his arm from your torso, slightly heavy and numb from the pressure of your body. The tingling feelings returning to his nerves only added to his frustration. Whoever was beyond that door should pray for interruption; he swore it on his heart.

Lohen was about to step out of the bed, but your hands quickly pull him back down only to press a kiss to him cheek. You find your voice after clearing your throat, your lips tickle at his ear.

“You’re paying me back for the hickey.”

Despite his frustration, he huffs a laugh and leans down to nod. His lips kiss your cheek. “Whatever you say my captain”, the knocks come again. With a roll of his eyes, he leaves your embrace.

He leaves the bedroom, groaning as the knocks bounce around the front room of the house. With a “alright, alright I’m coming”, he unlocks and opens the door. (Although he acts like it takes forever just to spite them. I mean they were taking away from his direly needed time.)

When he finally opened the door, Lohen was greeted with a panting knight, the poor fool held out a few letter stacks. He quickly tried to catch his breath; he could tell he came at the wrong time from how little the vice-captain spoke to him. Catching his breath, he quickly gets it out.

“The Grandmaster is moving your assignment up a few days; he states it’s gotten dire sir. So instead of Sunday, you’ll be leaving in two days”, He hands Lohen the letter from Varka. It was official and signed. Varka even added his deepest apologies for any problems that were to arise.

“Terribly sorry sir, but the situation has changed and things have progressed a little bit too-”, He begins trying to apologize, Lohen dispels his fearful nature.

“I understand, please inform the Grandmaster I’ll be ready to leave tomorrow night if needed…just let me tell my wife first.”, he adds it with an (frankly unsettling), smile. The knight nods again and salutes to leave. As soon as the door closes, Lohen wanted to crumble.

He was supposed to have at least a few more days. Now its possibly the day after tomorrow, at the latest? He gritted his teeth, eyes rolling back. At any other point in time, he’d be jumping at the reins to get ready to go, but right now? Right now? The excitement from his morning wood was reminding him of what was stolen from him moments ago, and now he must go tell you that he’s due to be gone soon?

“Anemo Archon be with me.”, but not even Barbatos would let him off for this one.

The assignment could take days, possibly weeks of him being away from home. That puts a damper on all things upcoming. He still hasn’t received an invoice from his parents; he still needed to tell you about the information from the church.

Your footsteps quickly approach, Lohen was standing completely still staring at the back of the door.

“Lohen… Lohen?”, you repeated his name. His deep cycle of thoughts was broken when he felt you approach closer. His mind quickly was made up. Turning to face you, the life comes back to his eyes.

“I have to leave for my assignment in two days. There was a change of plans and now its been moved up.” He explains, he was hoping for you to be upset or even angry. But instead, you nodded and didn’t offer argument.

It was expected as being part of a knight’s duty, things happen. (He wants you to be a little greedy with him, but he still appreciates your level-headedness)

“So that means you’ll group up with expedition or the team you’re given today or tomorrow…perhaps the Grandmaster will call you for a meeting-”, you were already thinking of the procedures to be taken from the information. Which makes Lohen inwardly chuckle, you truly were such a busy body, you take work so seriously.

He stops your deduction but cupping your cheeks, squishing them with the palms of his hands. (you think this habit of his needs to be put to a stop, but you won’t ruin the fun he has)

“No.”, he says with a closed-eye smile.

“Hwuh?”, your muffled voice sounds in shock, it was cute.

“No, because we are taking the day off.”, he stops squishing your cheeks and instead settled on pinching your cheek. Taking your sleepy cuteness in was so much for him, that and seeing the hickey on your neck. The cuteness aggression was getting the best of him.

“We?”, you repeated in shock again.

“Yes, we. We are instead going to do a fun-little drop in on my parents. I’m tired of waiting and want to get it over with. So, I’m going to tell headquarters that we had a small family emergency, so we need the day off. Easy-peasy.”

“Isn’t that lying?”, you deadpanned but he instead patted your head, Lohen shakes his as he continues his slight mockery.

“Not if its somewhat true, besides the Grandmaster should be reluctant to give it to me seeing as he spurs this on me. And this early in the morning too mind you.”, He ceases his petting at your swatting hands.

“And if he says something, I can just give him something else to focus on, its been a while sense I’ve tested his awareness, think of it as payback.”, he shrugs and begins thinking about some ways.

“You mean spiking his drink again? I swear I feared I’d be laid out somewhere if you kept trying that on me”, your worries earned a barking laugh from Lohen, so badly he had to hold his stomach. His giggle fest was so profound you’d think a tear came to his eyes.

“Really? Well maybe I should for old times. You trust me too much to leave your drinks unattended near me, what, should I give you something to relax? Burn you from the inside out? I can make anything you desire babe, name it and its yours.”, he happily listed the options off.

Your silence and displeased look was more than enough fuel for him. You begin to think you should never have said anything at all. Lohen takes it with pride. He has yet to successfully get you, most times you either forget the drink or someone else offers to take it. Looking back, it’s ironic. He notes all the opportunities now, almost shockingly way too many.

Perhaps his growing soft spot for you stopped those attempts. He didn’t like the idea of (unwanted or unnecessary) harm coming your way from his hand. Even with something as simple as a little spiked drink (The Grandmaster has been found hunched over from failing one of these little “checks”).

He was really wrapped around your finger now that he thinks about it…

“Lohen?!”, your voice breaks him out of his thoughts, your arms were crossed. Awaiting his final sentiment about the days agenda. “We’ll visit your parents today, should I bring a gift, I’d feel odd just appearing at someone’s home without anything.”, you were already pondering it over.

Turning away from him you walked back to the bedroom, thinking about what you should wear, what gift to bring, what time you were going to “drop in”, all that. Once you were back upstairs, he let himself smile a little.

His smile was interrupted at your scream of pure terror. Such a sound causes him to panic, quickly climbing the stairs at an alarmingly quiet yet intense speed. He appeared in the bedroom, scanning for you, instead the bathroom light was on. Entering in the doorway, Lohen witnessed you inspecting your new marking.

“Its huge! How in Barbatos’s name am I supposed to hide this? Lohen!?”, you hissed his name. The hickey was about the size of a singular coin of mora, accompanied with small marks from his teeth nipping at your neck.

Lohen nearly fell to the floor laughing, holding his stomach. His smug little smile and snickers earned him a look from you. Not a kind one. You playfully kicked at his size.

“Ah- uh, you could hide it, if it bothers you so much.”, he reasons, trying to find balance back on the bathroom doorframe. You shot him a glare. “How? Wear a scarf? It’s the middle of summer?! Archons..”, you whispered under your breath.

Thankfully, through the grace of some Archon out there, you did find a summer outfit that had a high enough collar to hide it. You are meeting his parents after all. Lohen was pushed out the bedroom to allow you to get ready, he took his seat on the stairs feeling liked a kicked puppy.

“I see nothing wrong, you look wonderful babe”, he called from outside the door. When the door quickly opened and a pillow came flying out towards his head (he easily caught it, but won’t deny the force of the throw), he giggled like a small child being sneaky. It was all too cute.

It was a good morning to say the least, he just hopes the afternoon is the same.

--

Your nervous hands gripped so tightly onto Lohen’s hands he thought you were going to strangle him. He had to reassure you twice already that its fine, and most likely his parents will adore you. (He already does)

Despite the lack of feeling in his hand, he too felt nervous. He was starkly reminded at how poor of “courting” and “handling” he had with you. Not in a traditional sense some would think, but rather how hurried everything was. Perhaps his parents may point that out. If he had the chance to do all this over, he would have unraveled you slowly, taken his time to dissect you and this relationship.

These ideas however can wait another time, “you can always court someone in your marriage” Lohen reasons, though it seems impossible. He takes a glance at you, walking hand in hand with him, he can feel your anxiety radiating off of you.

As troubling as it was, and somewhat nerve racking, he found it charming. Some he’s courted in the past barely showed their emotions upon meeting his parents, but to see someone he revered and respected so highly squeeze his hand like a lifeline was warming his heart. It meant you cared.

Reaching the house, he watched you take a deep breath, prep yourself then nod. Lohen gives your hand a good squeeze, then he raised his fist to knock against the door.

He didn’t tell his parents about this drop in, but it was the middle of the week, in the afternoon with nothing significant going on. They must be home today at least.

Seconds pass before the door cracks open, revealing an a slightly older woman. Her eyes adjust for the rays of sunlight behind you, casting a shadow forward. Once she adjusted, her eyes widened upon recognizing her son’s features.

“Lohen?”, she whispered, almost in disbelief. Your gut felt like it was going to lurch forward, but you swallowed it down. She quickly looks beside him, her gaze falling onto you. “Oh my…”, she whispered. With stern quickness she ushered you inside, she began explaining that it was only her home today.

“I do apologize, I was not expecting guest so please excuse any mess…did you two come far?”, her voice was soothing, motherly in tone. However, her astonishment was hard to miss, perhaps she was going to have a relaxing afternoon. Standing in the front entrance of the house, you quickly took off your shoes to show respect for her home. With a quick set of introductions out of the way, she shook your hand, smiling at your presence.

“You seem so lovely, Lohen did mention in some of his letters about his famed captain, but to meet you in real time, oh my.”, she showed you through the home.

“We came from the port, I forgot to mentioned in my letter that we moved in a few weeks, almost a month ago.”, Lohen answered, he maneuvered himself through the space, his mother seemed displeased about the neglected information.

She eagerly welcomes you to join them both in the living room. The questions she ask began to fly past you, whirling into deeper questions you didn’t want to think too deeply about.

“So, when were you going to mention your marriage?”

“When did you two get married? Where? Did you have a ceremony? Are you going to have one?”

“Lohen don’t tell me you courted your coworker?! What would your superiors say?”

“How long did you intend to court? Only a few weeks? Months?”

“Have you thought about future plans in your marriage? Children, living expenses, where do you live in the port area? Are there any schools or places for childcare nearby?”

You had to give the woman credit; she was being stern about her son’s interpersonal relationships. Thank goodness the Knights of Favonius are much kinder (also lax) about such. Everyone at 5th company and headquarters seemed overjoyed at your union, less likely talking about the superior/inferior implications.

“Well, it’s not necessarily inferior ma’am, I see Lohen on equal terms of leadership for the sake of 5th company ma’am. I have no intention of placing him as such.”

She seemed skeptical of your response but took it well. Lohen was insistent that your professional relationship wasn’t bordering into your personal. The intimacy you share is for behind closed doors, he happily boasted. It made his mother laugh, but she quickly corrected her manners and nodded.

“That pleases me, we were worried about your marital status, which is why we contacted the Cardinal for aid, we just didn’t want you wasting your life away too soon…with how dangerous work for the Knights can be, your travels from Nod Krai, we just wanted to ensure that you had a marriage that could work. One that could last.” There was a small sound of bitterness in her tone. No, not bitterness, but something somber. Fear perhaps? You could not place it but there was something leading deeper than what it seemed.

“Well, we are married ma’am, so there is no need to worry further. I can assure you that I won’t be leaving Lohen’s side any time soon.”, your smile added warmth to your answer.

“She’ll have to pry me away from her.”, he added, causing you to nudge his side. But he was not wrong.

A few more minutes of talking, Lohen’s mother offers some refreshments, some “road snacks”, as she didn’t want to take up too much of your time. A bummer really since you both did get the day off. (Jean owed it to you from times before)

“Would you mind dear [name]? A little help and chat?”, from her voice, you had no choice. You quickly followed her into the kitchen, passing by you saw old pictures of Lohen from his childhood. You noticed a gap in the years frankly, but in the earlier pictures he was adorable.

You almost miss the slightly off edge he has. Almost, but it adds charm to him now, you think. Your footsteps approach the kitchen, his mother was quickly setting a small tin of cookies, grabbing jams, teacups, and mugs out. She smiled once you entered, urging you closer.

“I thank you for popping by today, I do apologize at the lack of preparation and time, I would have done a little bit more than this.”, she frowned a little.

“Oh no, thank you ma’am, you allowing us into your home for a visit is very kind of you.”, you were being polite, standing closer towards the counter she huffed a little.

“It gets tiring you know? Meetings so many in the past many years, just hoping one stuck.”, she sighs. Your brow raised in confusion. “Excuse me?”

“Matches, courting attempts, I swear some of the girls we picked weren’t going to last, but we tried anyways. We just wanted him to have someone, but here you are! The one that stuck, its miraculous, really.”, it sounded like a compliment, and probably intended to be one, but it did sting a little.

“For instance, that Elise girl? Lovely, terribly so, just the sweetest..”, you nodded in agreement, Elise was sweet, and one of a kind. You wondered if she had returned to the city any time soon.  But your mind quickly shuffles that away to continue listening.

“I thought they were lovely together, just the cutest, but unfortunately the signs appeared, and suddenly Lohen writes to us from Nod Krai that he not longer wished to court her. I was so disappointed! But I understood, some things weren’t meant to be it seems.”

“I see, well fortunately you won’t have to worry any longer ma’am.”, you reassured her, you arms crossed over each other. She turned to look at you, a kettle in her hands.

“Why’s that dear?”

“I do not intend to leave. Or be pushed away, nor do I think Lohen has a similar intention.”, you state firmly, keeping eye contact with her.

There was good intention in his family’s cause of finding him a marriage that can stand the test of time, but with that good intention, it simply what it is. An intention.

You tried not to think about how many people Lohen had to meet on his parents accord, the idea made a shiver crawl up your spine. You too understand the sentiment, your parents and family tried similarly. But at some point they gave up to allow you to explore.

“Well, many have said that, and…here we are. I don’t want to imply you won’t stay [name], but I also don’t want my son explaining to me that he lost another one, a good one at that.”, she added quickly. “You’re a wonderful woman, from what I’ve read. And heard, whispers from town travel you know.”

Was it really whispers if some people shouted it? Not really but you agreed, nonetheless.

“Again, ma’am. I do not have the intention to just leave, Lohen and I are married legally. The church approved it, if needed I could show you my marriage license.”, if it took to convince her with evidence, (like you originally planned), then that’s what you’ll do.

She stares at you for a moment, setting the kettle down on the stove top she takes a good ponder at you. The wheels turn in her head, but at how serious you were, she decided to take your word for it. With a smile she apologizes for her slight scrutiny.

“I apologize then, I just wanted to be double sure, now, strawberry or blueberry? I also have some raspberry cookies, some crumpets I picked up..”, she quickly changed her tune, warming up nicely. You help her make some tea and coffee, chatting about Lohen as a child.

Stories of his early childhood, offering to show old baby pictures if she had any lying around, her small hints at grandchildren which left you stuttering. Your mind drifted back to earlier that morning, the warmth on your face made her laugh.

Upon returning to the main sitting area you found Lohen sitting perfectly still. Narrowing your eyes at him, he shakes his head as if nothing happens. He instead steals a cookie from your plate, listening in on your conversation with his mother. You talk about all sorts of things, things he blanks out on. Only occasionally sharing a joke or laughing, but he mostly remained quiet. Just observing your interactions, mesmerized by them.

He was listening in on your conversation, standing silent as a statue near the kitchen doorway. Hearing the multiple confirmations of you staying, not just because of his job, but for the possibility of him- it made many things shift in him.

Your conversations stretch into early evening/late afternoon. You unfortunately bid goodbye to his mother, her yelling from the front door “I hope to see you soon!”, but Lohen smiled and waved. He remained eerily quiet, the entire walk back he barely spoke. Too deep into his thoughts. You didn’t ask, fearing it would ruin his mood, or do something worse. Instead, your hand found his as you walked.

Upon touching you, his hand squeezes yours happily. But the grasp on your hand felt different, not the carefree holds he usually has, not the teasing flickering of his fingers to try and tickle your palm, but it felt firm. Desperate in its hold, that if you let go, you’d disappear from him.

He was thankful his mother did not mention anything further about the church, because as you approached your shared home, he knew what he needed to do. To clear the air and get things off his chest.

You felt similar, your mind quickly drifts back to the stack of letters from Elise sitting in your work bag. Hidden away to help you settle your growing feelings, to affirm the possibility of his.

Once the door was closed, the air was cold. Almost sucked out of life, sitting, waiting for something to spark. For a few seconds it was taunt like a drawn thread, waiting to snap. Taking a seat on the comfy sofa chair, you watch Lohen disappear into the house.

You watch, waiting for him to return. Silently you hated how quiet he truly could be if he wanted to, you had no idea what he was doing, his footsteps were deadly silent in this moment.

When he returned it was with an opened envelope, presumably a letter. Your heart spiked a little, worrying he found the letters and would confront you on them. Would he be upset at your small invasion on his privacy? That you spoke to his ex? You could argue you were just handed the letters, but it didn’t feel right with you.

Goodness your mind was pouring over every action, as he approached closer he handed the letter to you. Instead of the envelope you were expecting, this one…held the insignia of the Knights…and the cathedral…the address too.

“What...what is this? Lohen what is this?”, you asked, bewildered, your hands gently take the folded paper, opening it to read the contents. But your eyes remained on him. His expression was unreadable.

“It’s a letter from the Cardinal, confirming his conversation with the Grandmaster on my occupation status…from what the Grandmaster told me, and handed to me, a little while back…since the Grandmaster spoke to him on behalf of me.”, his eyes could not look away from yours, he was waiting, anticipating the fall.

“Why…when…?”, you asked, your words lost on your as your eyes scan the page. He understood your confusion and questions.

“Shortly before the party, the Grandmaster cornered me and asked about what was going on. He spoke to the Cardinal, then confirmed it towards me, he handed me the letter shortly after, I just never got the chance to tell you…until now.”, His throat felt tight. Not tight as in fear of crying, but tight in disappointing you. He didn’t want to withhold this from you any longer, it coming off his chest was nice, yes. But he fears now that you felt differently about him.

“I didn’t want to hide this from you, I was going to tell you- because of the poor timing this week and-”, he stopped when your hands sat in your lap, your eyes looking up to meet his.

“Why didn’t you tell me Lohen? Did you think I’d be mad? Did you not trust me or want to tell me?”, your eyes search his, looking for something to answer. You weren’t upset about the confirmation, rather concerned he felt the need to let the details slip from him. That perhaps he was worried you’d take it wrongly or be upset with him.

“I…”

“You?”, you parried after.

“I didn’t want you to leave.”, he quickly let it out. The words escaped him. Freeing themselves from the very depths of his soul.

He didn’t want this to end, he knew that. This marriage shouldn’t just disappear into thin air; it shouldn’t die because of an issued time constraint. He’d be dammed about it too, but he wouldn’t hate you if you did.

He couldn’t bring himself too, perhaps he was just too weak about it. Perhaps he loved you too much for it. You could take anything from him, anything, but not this. Not the happiness and love you have brought into his life, not the joy he gets from just being around you. He would not know how to survive without it.

“I didn’t want you to leave. I want you to stay, for us to stay…like this. Happily married, or at least what I think is happily married.”, He kneeled before you, his hands finding yours as he looked at you, a pleading man.

Like always, you manage to surprise him, even in this. Your hands turned upward to hold his, the letter falling to the floor, forgotten.

“Why would you think…I wouldn’t stay?”, your voice was soft, unprecedently soft. Fragile just like this. “I never once thought about leaving, not once…I even told your mother how much I’d like for us to remain this way…so why Lohen…did you think such?”

He couldn’t find an answer for that, but from his body language you could guess. He wanted, so desperately wanted to show you, tell you, let himself be vulnerable enough just to spell it out for you. His cowardice and fear of you seeing something you didn’t like was interfering with everything.

“You’ll see something you won’t like...that’s why.”

Your hand lifts from his, coming to cup his cheek, like always he softens into your touch, as if you were alleviating wounds. But this time your words carried such an emotional hit, he worried he’d die right there from.

“I won’t like what I see? Lohen, dear, beloved why would you say such, I like everything I’m looking at right now-what do you mean-”, but he shakes his head at your words. The confirmation of “like” wasn’t enough, it wasn’t so enough he started laughing, a pathetic almost sad laugh flees from his lungs. His hair moves with each shake.

“No…No, no…that’s not. That’s not what I want.”, he says shakily. You quickly try to comfort him, but his hand holds yours tenderly, pressing your hand firmer against his cheek. As if it will ground him deeper that you were still here.

“Then…what-what do you want?”, your voice was small, worry and concern were laced in your features. You wanted to fix this, to amend all of this, no matter how. You lean forward in the chair, trying to seep deeper, to take a deeper look into him. If you could, you’d scoop any fear from him and dispose of it yourself.

But with a shaky breath, Lohen huffs a small laugh, his face turns upward to meet yours. A true, small smile was on his lips. No matter how terrifying it was, dangerous, or even leading him to a nasty sting. He’d do it, now better than ever. He’ll find a way to forge himself out of the pain.