Anne

the frustration adds, and the lyrics from olivia rodrigo's begged kept playing in my thoughts. because it really is true, that nothing's quite enough when i know that to get it, i begged.

run free my love.

you're the reason why i have maki, luna, milo and lilo. your braveness and your grumpy attitude that turns 360 will always be my favorite part of you. the way you wag your tail for me whenever i call you baby. the way you smile because you won and you got inside the house. thank you so much for being mommy's first born.

death is such a familiar friend and it just keeps taking everyone i care for. i am so not ready to lose you, not at all my baby.

at kahit masungit man ang panahon

kahit pigilin ng pagkakataon

i loved you when i saw the worst version of you, i knew some things should not define your character. i stayed during the bad days.

the truth is, i'm still trying.

i went on full make up once again and the filter just made me look good even more. and then at some point, the good color of my lips gave me a little confidence. i need some kisses. which is new. lately, i haven't really been feeling myself. its been months since i try to disappear once more.

i know for a fact that i have also been neglecting myself. i overwork my body so much. accepted a job for the morning and then another job for the evening. i'm taking part-time from other clients and then there are projects too.

the thing about loving myself is it comes randomly.

trying to love life while healing is definitely not as easy as it sounds. i've experience it first hand. i try to be there. i try to be present. i try to remind myself that healing, no matter what baby steps i take, is still healing. that it is not about how grandeur the act is. and there will definitely be days where i will question everything. there will be days where the bed seems like the safest place in the world and there will be days where it will feel like it wasn't.

today i felt pretty.

this is the first time i felt a little good about myself after a few weeks of turning off my notifications and not interacting with anyone that do not involve work.

i have been disappearing—quite a lot, tbh. i have been trying to erase my existence from everyone's calendar. and maybe memories. i have felt the kind of tiredness that sleep won't fix once again. it sounds cliché, true. but that seems to be the perfect description of my emotions lately.

there’s a version of me that wants to scream. scream at people. scream everywhere. there's a version of me that wants to tell someone everything. all the gory details. from the pain up to the longing. but then i imagine them looking at me, i imagine them getting affected by how bad my stories are. i imagine them feeling sorry for me, and that would make me wonder why, because they're not the ones who hurt me. i imagine them getting tired. of me. of the routine that i am doing. i imagine them getting tired of my stories.

this is prolly what healing looks like for a 27 year old me. the serenity you get from admiring your surroundings, the kind of quiet that's not deafening, the kind of peace where you no longer need to wonder if the universe is out here to get you and make you suffer.

sometimes i think about him. maybe i was too early, and maybe he's a little late. or maybe i was the one late trying to act early. he got good attributes i can't deny, and as time went by, it felt like i was taking the life out of him. turning him a monster like me, just like me, or maybe worse, just so i won't be alone in this journey called life.

sometimes i think about him. a person who never failed to be one call away. he was there to fetch me when i got lost commuting, he was there to make sure i got home safe. i always feel guilty remembering everything. how he begged and kneeled that i choose him. how he asks me to stay and work things out. and i still remember how i walked away because i was tired of being responsible of everything but myself. there are times when it makes me wonder if i made a different choice, would things be different too?

sometimes i think about him. how i ruined everything because of a lie. i knew a lie is a lie, no matter what the intention is. cutting me off from his life was the best decision he made. he shouldn't have been with me. i know. because i destroyed everything i loved.

sometimes i think about him. he learned to love me despite all the differences, but some things never change about me. i thought it was okay, i thought everything was ok. i was too insensitive to notice the silence and the absence. months passed, and i realized it was not meant to be.

uhhh, october happened.

i'm honestly not sure why i'm here again but i feel like coming back to the only platform—or place, or whatever i call this.

i haven't been myself lately. i'm sure of it, just not the part where i know which part of me felt a little different and unfamiliar. i don't know if i'm making any sense here. i tried emailing my therapist but the email ends up empty. idk how to describe this fleeting feeling. i don't really want to assume this is sadness. some days are just too heavy for me to function, i guess.