jacob

! ! ! This is not a spoiler free blog ! ! !

hey! my name is jacob and i am a 24 year old writer. My pronouns are he/him.

this is an 18+ ONLY blog which interacts and contains nsfw, mature and dark content

MINORS AND AGELESS BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT ! ! !

‧̍̊˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛‧̍̊˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛‧̍̊˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛‧̍̊˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛

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prompt: 2. "From the day we met, I knew I'd hurt you eventually."

pairing: eruri

summary: levi writes a letter to erwin reminiscing what could have been

content: major character death mention, season 3 spoilers, general angst

w/c: <1k

a/n: so i lied about writing outside my comfort zone this is about as in my comfort zone as i could possibly get

We saw the sea today.  I didn’t believe it really existed until the minute I saw it for myself.  Just like Armin said, a salt lake so big no merchant could ever deplete it.  The brats loved it, of course.  Connie and Sasha nearly got themselves sick from drinking so much salt water.  And I wished you could have seen Hange.  I haven’t seen their eyes light up since Shiganshina.  We almost didn’t bring enough paper for all the ‘field research’ they had to write down.  They tried to get me to touch every creature they pulled out of the water, but you know me.  While everyone else spent their time in the water and experiencing the new sights, I stayed on the shore with the horses.  I just couldn’t bring myself to enjoy it.  Not without you.  You deserved to see this, Erwin, more than anyone.  You deserved to see everything we’ve done in the last year.  You deserved to learn the truth of our world and you deserved to see that goddamn basement.  Why did it have to end up this way?  I can’t help but think if just one thing had gone differently, would you have gotten to see the ocean today?  What if Kenny had found two syringes in Reiss’s bag?  Or what if Hange had been able to replicate the serum?  Then if I’d have brought down the Beast or if Hange had secured Reiner, would you have been there with me today?  If Armin could have thought of a different plan, would you have the Colossal now?  All these what-ifs; but they don’t matter now, do they?  I made my choice.  Can’t take it back now.  I’d like to think you’re at peace now, and that it’s not just wishful thinking of me to do so.  You deserved your rest.  You’d gotten us so far all on your own.  I couldn’t put you through another 35 years of agony.  I hope you can forgive me for ending that agony.  You know, it’s almost comical; from the day we met, I knew I’d hurt you eventually, I just never could have imagined it would be like this.  I mean, hell, I wanted to kill you originally.  Yet, somewhere along the way, we became… us.  Every moment spent by your side was worth all the pain and loss we endured.  At this point I’m just working myself up and talking in circles again.  I’ll leave it at this: I miss you, Erwin.  As much as the day I lost you and as much as I will the day I die.  I’ll continue to carry our memories until that day comes.  Until my next letter, rest peacefully.

Yours always,

prompt: 3. "I wish you never had trusted me."

summary: sasha and connie share a meal together in her hometown.

content: major character death mention; season 4 spoilers

w/c: 1.7k

a/n: trying to write from perspectives that are a little bit outside of my comfort zone, this one’s still relatively safe for me but i’m hoping to continue branching out from here. I think I got all my facts straight but I could be wrong

The sun blinded Connie just as his vision came back into focus.  The warmth on his arms confused him for a moment.  Wasn’t it just raining?  And what was he doing wearing this old dingy yellow shirt?  He could have sworn he was just wearing his… what was it anyway?  His confusion was cut short as he heard a familiar voice call to him.

“Are you coming or what? C’mon, we’re almost there now!”

“Huh?  What are you talking about?”  Connie could not remember what he was doing for the life of him.  Were they on a mission?  If so, where was the captain?  Where was anybody else for that matter?

“You’re not wimping out on me now, are you?  My folks probably pulled out all the stops for supper, and I know the little ones are excited to spend the evening with two bona fide war heroes.  You can’t back out now, idiot!” Sasha’s tone was as warm and bright as the setting sun.  Whatever had just been worrying Connie when he dosed off obviously was no real threat; Sasha would have sensed it too otherwise.  Her instincts were always spot on like that.

“When have I ever wimped out of anything?”  Of course there was nothing to worry about.  Connie clutched his pack and hustled to catch up to Sasha who was just ahead of him on the path.  It wasn’t every day they were granted leave to visit family, and Sasha had been kind enough to invite Connie to Dauper to meet her family; he was not about to squander this opportunity.  “You just better hope your folks don’t end up liking me more than you anyway.”  Connie laughed as he finally caught up to his best friend.

“Wouldn’t be surprised if they tried to adopt you too,” Sasha should her affection with a playful elbow to Connie’s side.

“The more the merrier, right?” Connie returned the friendly gesture back.  He was beyond grateful to have a friend who just got him the way Sasha did.  Anticipation swelled in him as he thought about finally getting to meet the people who made Sasha into the person she was now.  “How far to your village now?”

“It’s just over this ridge.  If you quit dragging your feet, we can actually get there before the sun sets.”  Connie knew when she was challenging him.  Neither of them needed to say another word to know that it was now a race to see who could get over the ridge first.  Connie put his all into his sprint as he took off and marveled at how far he’d come.  Back before he’d first joined the cadets, he was one of the slowest kids in his hometown, now just a few short years later he was a full-fledged scout and a member of the revered Levi squad.  What would the kids from Ragako think if they could see him now?  If only…

Perhaps it was Connie’s daydreaming that had caused him to fall behind, but as his eyes fixated on the path ahead of him, he was shocked to see Sasha’s silhouette growing smaller as it passed by the few quaint houses that made up her hometown.  He followed behind her as she led him to the south side of the village to her family’s property.  Connie grinned to himself as he saw a few kids tending to the horses in the stable.  It wasn’t much different from the town he grew up in.  Perhaps that was why he got along so well with Sasha.  His gaze continued up the path to see two adults standing in the doorway of the main house, waving to them eagerly as the two friends neared the entryway.

“You must be Connie.  We’ve heard so much about you, it’s good to finally put a face to a name, my boy,” The tall older gentleman extended his hand out as Connie finally reached the doorway.

“Mr. and Mrs. Braus, it’s great to finally meet you too.  Sasha’s told me loads about you guys over the years,” Connie’s hand met Sasha’s father’s and gripped it firmly.

“Only the good bits, I hope,” Mr. Braus joked as he welcomed the two young soldiers inside. As Connie stepped in the smell of slow-cooked meat filled his nostrils.  The survey corps had its perks, but quality dinners certainly were not one of them.  He deserved a delicious meal with his best friend after the last couple of months they had had.  

“Y’all got here just in time, your father just finished up with the deer, and I was just fixin’ to plate the potatoes and carrots,” Sasha’s mother grinned as she turned towards the kitchen to serve her guests.  Connie turned his head to whisper to his friend, only to find her swiping potatoes off the plates her mother had just finished setting.  

“Slow down now, girl, you know there’s enough to go around,” Sasha’s father softly smiled as he brought in a heaping plate of slow-cooked deer meat.  “Don’t they feed you kids in the survey corps?” “Nothing as good as a homecooked meal,” Sasha’s mouth was so full her words were hardly understandable.  Connie chuckled to himself.  It didn’t matter if they were served a king’s feast every night back in the corps, Sasha would always stuff her face whenever food was in front of her.  Some of their friends found it unbecoming, but to Connie, that was just one of the things that made Sasha ‘Sasha’.  Connie’s stomach grumbled as one of the younger children showed him to his seat at the table.  As the Braus family took their seats and Connie looked around at the feast in front of him his mouth began to water.  Sasha was right, nothing could ever compare to a homecooked meal.

“So, Connie, are you gonna make a trip to see your folks too while y’all are on leave?  I can’t recall what village Sasha had told us you’re from...” Mrs. Braus started cheerily as the younger kids dove into their meals. Connie smiled halfheartedly.  The last thing he wanted to do was ruin a perfectly good dinner party with sad stories.

“I’ll probably get to go visit my mother, we’re from Ragako,” Sasha’s eyes met his apologetically.  Connie could hear her thinking “I’m sorry I didn’t think she’d bring that up” without her needing to say a word.  It was fine; Connie would always be proud to talk about his mother.

“Ragako…” Mrs. Braus started, forkful of potatoes in hand.  Connie watched as her eyes lit up with sudden realization.  “Give your mother my best wishes,” She muttered solemnly.

“I will, Mrs. Braus, I’m sure she’ll be very grateful.  I’m pretty sure she enjoys hearing me talk about the places I go and the people I meet.”  The mother’s kind intentions filled Connie with a warmth.  No doubt this is where Sasha got her kind-heartedness.  As he took his first bite of food, however, he realized Sasha definitely missed out on her parents’ cooking skills.  He always found It perplexing how a girl with such an affinity for food was so lousy at preparing it.  Not that it mattered to him, that was simply another one of Sasha’s little quirks that made her ‘her’.

“So, I hear they’re finally letting the Wall Maria refugees go back home,” Mr. Braus smiled as he sipped his ale.  “Mighty fine job you kids did there.  I couldn’t be prouder of either of you.”  Connie couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard an authority figure tell him they were proud of him, and the gesture almost brought a tear to his eye.

“It sure wasn’t easy.  I’d have been done for if it wasn’t for Connie.  He really took care of me after I took that major hit,” drool and meat poured from Sasha’s lips, almost diminishing the weight of her words.

“You have my thanks for watching over my daughter, Connie.  You’re a good kid,” Mr. Braus’s eyes softened as he raised his glass toward the young soldier.  Connie could see the man fighting back tears as he toasted.

“She’s like a sister to me, Mr. Braus.  I have her back no matter what.”

After the meal had been finished, the laughs had been shared, and Sasha slipped into a temporary meat-induced coma, Connie looked around at her quaint little family with a smile.  He missed dinners with his own family more than he would ever be able to put into words, but dinners with his new sister’s family might now be a close second, he thought to himself.

“Son,” Connie felt a firm hand on his shoulder.  He turned to find Sasha’s father gesturing towards the door.  “Mind if we have a word outside?”  Connie followed the man obediently but wondered what he could possibly want to talk about.  He hoped Mr. Braus hadn’t misread his relationship with Sasha, that would be one hell of an awkward conversation.  But what could else could this possibly be about?  His mother, maybe?  Connie’s mind wandered as they found their way to the front porch.  “I meant what I said back there about you looking out for Sasha.  I can’t even begin to thank you enough for that.”  Mr. Braus’s eyes once again watered before Connie.  “I’m sure you can imagine I was pretty damn worried when she told me she was joining the scouts.  She’s my little girl, after all.  I knew I raised her well and I knew she more than capable, but a father can’t help but worry.  I just hoped she’d make a friend who would have her back through thick and thin.  And, well, I’d say she definitely found that in you, Connie.” A tear rolled down her father’s cheek.  “I just gotta ask you one thing, son,”

“Of course, Mr. Braus, what is it?” “Just promise me you’ll keep bringing my daughter home to me for family dinners.”  The crisp night felt so comforting against Connie’s skin.  For a moment the hum of the cicadas filled the air with a sweet tone.

“I promise.”

Connie’s eyes jolted open.  The song of cicadas had been replaced by crackling thunder.  Instead of warm summer air, Connie was now being pelted with heavy rain.  He looked around frantically.  He had fallen asleep against the fresh grave marker.  That dinner was years ago.  Sasha was… Sasha was gone.  Connie clutched his knees as he sobbed for probably the hundredth time since the raid on Liberio.

prompt: 7. "It was inevitable, but I regretted it every step of the way."

summary: a late night conversation between levi and hange about lost friends

content: canonverse, season 3 & 4 spoilers, mentions of death, ptsd, survivor’s guilt, angst

wc: 1.3k

a/n: i dunno here you go

The Rumbling wasn’t the only thing keeping him up tonight, but for once he finally had something else he could blame the insomnia on besides his own mind.  His thumb danced across the dressings of his bandages as his thoughts ran wild.  

“After being knocked out for as long as I was, I can afford to miss a night or two,” he thought to himself.  Even still, the thought of listening to all that destruction all night without being able to do anything useful gnawed at his core.  The guilt was going to consume him more than normal tonight, he just knew it.  As he meticulously planned out their mission for the next day in his head, a rustling quickly caught his attention.  His every instinct told him to grab his blades, but as he made his move his body cruelly reminded him of the shape he was in.  He knew there was going to be a learning curve of relearning how to grip his blades with two fewer fingers, but if anyone could do that it was him; it had to be him.  His good eye wandered to find the source of the stirring, and a faint sigh of relief escaped his lips as he watched his comrade roll over.

“Can’t sleep either, huh, Four-Eyes?” Levi jokingly sighed.  “Not the first time that brat has kept us up all night, but this is definitely the loudest.”

“We really need the rest if we’re going to make it back to Shiganshina tomorrow.” Hange yawned as they stretched their aching back muscles.

“Shiganshina…” Levi sneered.  “I never thought we’d come back…” he shook his head, trying desperately to find the words to say, “… under circumstances like these.”  His fist tightened as he thought about the last time he’d stepped foot in that town.  The town that hundreds of scouts selflessly fought to reclaim, now only two will return.  Levi bore the back of his head down into his makeshift cape-pillow; the memories shot through his brain like a speeding bullet.

“I can’t say I could have ever seen this one coming either,” Hange half-laughed, propping their body up with one elbow. “After all the long talks I had with that boy, I really thought I knew him.”

“When I first met the brat, I thought he would be a real wild card, but after everything we’ve gone through together, Eren really made me think I could trust him.  I never should have abandoned that gut feeling I had.” Levi’s fist grew tighter; his knuckled began to lose color.  Oversight and second-guessing never benefit a scout, he of all people should have known that.

“C’mon, Levi, you’re not psychic, you can’t beat yourself up for trusting Eren,” Hange’s eye softened as they looked to the sky to see all the birds flying away from Eren Jaegar’s path of carnage. “I trusted him too.  He never gave us a reason not to.”  Levi knew his comrade was right, but he couldn’t let himself off the hook that easily.

“Even still…” Levi sat up as much as his bruised ribs and scrambled organs would allow him.  A small wince of pain escaped his lips as he continued.  “…if I’d just killed that hairy bastard like he ordered me to, Eren wouldn’t have been able to pull off his little plan.”  Levi’s tear ducts instantly stung as he mentioned the former commander.  Talking about him was still as hard as the day it happened.

“You can’t beat yourself up about that forever, Levi.”  Hange sat up straight upon seeing the pain rise in their friend’s eyes.

“Actually, I can, Hange.  I can’t help but think if I’d just taken the Beast out, maybe everything would be different.  Maybe I wouldn’t have even had to make a choice.  Maybe we’d have both Armin’s cunning and Erwin’s leadership here today.  Do you have any idea how that guilt feels every day?” “Of course I do, Levi.  You’re not the only one who regrets how the return to Shiganshina played out, you know."

“I know you miss him too, but I’m the reason he’s gone, Hange.”

“Erwin isn’t the only one we lost that day, Levi.  I—we… lost Moblit that day too.”  Despite the thousands of titans marching in the distance, the air fell silent to Levi.  He realized this was the first time he’d heard Hange mention their aid’s name since the mission to retake Wall Maria.  Of course, he’d read the official reports that recounted the loss of Moblit Berner, but he’d never stopped to think about what his loss meant to Hange.

“I’m sorry, Hange, I never…” Levi fell silent as he desperately searched for the right thing to say.

“You’re right you never did…” Hange removed their glasses to catch a tear before Levi could see it.  A long sigh spilled from their mouth.  “Look, I know you miss Erwin, and I know you feel guilty about not carrying out his order to kill the Beast Titan, but did you ever stop to think about the guilt I’m carrying around about Moblit?  You carried out every single one of Erwin’s orders with ease and grace.  He was so thankful for you, Levi.  I’m sure Moblit wished he had been assigned to a different squad every day.  I never gave the man a moment of peace with my crazy ideas.  He always had to be there to reel me back in when I was in over my head.  Whether it was pulling me out of the way of a titan’s grasp when my curiosity led me too close or staying up with me all night to perfect the thunder spears just so he was sure they didn’t blow up in my face and kill me, Moblit always had his work cut out for him with me.  And you know what the worst part is?  He told me that’s how it was going to end.  He knew he’d sacrifice himself in a heartbeat if it meant I got to see another day.  He told me humanity needed me more than it needed him.  I argued with him about it time and time again, but he insisted it would be an honorable way for him to go out.  No matter what I said he wouldn’t budge on the subject.  Eventually, I just had to accept his wishes.  It was inevitable, but I regretted it every step of the way.  And when it finally happened; when he pushed me into that well to avoid the explosion from the Colossal Titan, and we locked eyes for the last time, I still wished the roles were reversed.  There are plenty of people as smart as me, hell, there are plenty of people smarter, but there aren’t enough people as kind-hearted as Moblit.  I mean, look where smart people have gotten us, maybe what humanity needed was more kind-hearted people.”

“I…” words were never Levi’s strong suit as much as action was, but in his current state, he knew words would have to do.  “I’m sorry, Hange.”  The Rumbling seemed much further away now; the sound of titan footsteps had finally been replaced by the chirping of crickets.  As the creatures of the night lamented, Levi smiled for Hange for the first time in a long time.  “Moblit would be proud of the person sitting in front of me today.  The 14th commander of the survey corps, and the brain behind the mission that’s going to save the world from the Rumbling.  Thanks to you… we’re going to make the world safe for kind-hearted people like him.”

jacob | 24 years old | he/him | bi | cancer | infj

# likes…

animanga, cats, levi, chrollo, record shopping, music, cooking/baking, writing

# dislikes…

ketchup, everything else i don’t care

# fav animanga…

attack on titan, full metal alchemist, hunter x hunter

# currently…

reading/watching:

chainsaw man | up to date, read the manga

spy x family | up to date, read the manga

my hero academia | season 4, episode 1

# general rules…

spam liking = ok

once again this is an 18+ ONLY blog. this blog interacts and posts content with nsfw, mature and dark themes, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. interacting includes all of the following: liking, following, commenting, reblogging, etc

if you do not have an age on your page or you are a minor you will be blocked

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racism | transphobia | homophobia | sexism | ableism | islamophobia | misogyny | xenophobia | prejudice | etc

# rules for requests…

if requesting nsfw off anon, your age must be visible on your profile otherwise i will ignore your request.

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# I will NOT write…

pedophilia | incest | noncon | scat | rape