The In-Betweens

i’m not one to have wrinkles on my face and i remember being slightly envious of my friends back in freshmen year of high school when they would have mild wrinkle lines forming across their foreheads, at the sides of their eyes, between their brows - i’ve always found that to be cute (on the surface level), but on a deeper note: perhaps, it carries a grander sense of maturity in the individual. 

ha.

but that’s how i’ve always viewed wrinkles - i love it when someone smiles and i see wrinkles forming next to their eyes. it feels sincere and this burst of joy you know you can’t hide. 

and it’s funny that now i’m relating it to aging but really, that’s how i’m realizing that i too, age and i’m aging. i looked in the mirror this morning before work and not only were there more defined eyebags, but there were wrinkles forming as i raised my eyebrows; there were wrinkles lined up as i tried to break a smile (sorry dimples, you’ve got competition now).

i’m at a point in my life that i’m both happy and unhappy with a long list of things in life. it’s hard because that also means that i’m fluctuating between spectrums and i hate that because, moments like this make me feel plus think that i’m a walking lie. a contradiction. that i’m not a wholesome me.

one thing i’ve been telling God this week is: i’m confused. about myself.

and i don’t know if God’s will is that i become less confused or completely not confused - but i think He’s trying to help me understand that He accepts all of me and that can be enough for me. 

it’s difficult because being emotionally driven/charged leads me to places of enormous extremes but most times, i tell myself that i do have to keep it together - i’m a college career counselor, professionalism is key; professionalism is plastered on my facial expressions. students see me, my colleagues see me, my employers see me. but these are also times when i forget that God sees me and He wants me to know that i don’t have to keep it altogether whenever i approach Him.

when i was taking a shower this evening, i started weeping (ha, just like the movies). i thought about sumi, i thought about connie, i thought about nina - i started weeping. singapore’s not the same especially with the level of transparency and willingness to be understood - i know that and i am ok with that, but that doesn’t discount the longing, the missing, and the times of just being my complete self. i say this too often - to God, to myself, to people, to social media: but, i can’t wait. i can’t wait for just that one day i get to see you/all three of you. i think i might burst into immediate tears when i do.

i got to facetime nina over lunch & it made me feel very happy. sometimes i forget that we’re 8,000 miles apart. thank you for an effortlessly assuring time of talking & listening - you never fail to remind me that i am loved, heard, and worth fighting for.