Hogan's Heroes Misquoted

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Carter: Yeah! It's like a big car!

Kinch: what was that middle part?

Lebeau: Like “eating a sandwich with toothpicks in” dangerous?

Hogan: Even more dangerous than that.

Carter: Like eating a bomb?

Hogan: In between.

Carter: I don’t know how to do that.

Lebeau: I don’t have a watch.

Carter: Want some?

Kinch: Nah, I’m lactose intolerant.

Carter: Oh, same.

Newkirk, internally: Play dumb!

Newkirk: Who’s Newkirk?

Hogan, raising his glass: I would like to offer a toast

Hogan: I cannot believe we’ve already gone through another twelve months of absolute fuckery

Carter: [looks at his panel] No. Yes! No... Maybe.

Kinch: Which is it, Carter?

Carter: I did. I broke it...

Hogan: No. No, you didn’t. Newkirk?

Newkirk: Don’t look at me. Look at Lebeau.

Lebeau: What?! I didn’t break it.

Newkirk: Huh. That’s weird. How did you even know it was broken?

Lebeau: Because it’s sitting right in front of us and it’s broken!

Newkirk: Suspicious.

Lebeau: No it’s not!

Kinch: If it matters, probably not... Olsen was the last one to use it.

Olsen: Liar! I don’t even drink that crap!

Kinch: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Olsen: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Kinch!

Carter: Alright let's not fight. I broke it, let me pay for it, Hogan.

Hogan: No. Who broke it?

Newkirk: [whispering] Hogan, Crittendon's been awfully quiet...

Crittendon: Really?!

Kinch: Yeah, really!

…

Carter: That’s a dog’s life