Rotten to the core.

Ted smiled brightly. “That is my philosophy as well,” he joked, walking over to the counter. “Alright, let’s see…” He added the prices of the books, writing them on a piece of paper. “That’s two galleons and five sickles.”

Originally posted by c-sand

  --- narcissa smiled back, “ it’s a good one, i think, ” cissa set the books on the counter, watching as ted wrote down the prices. she pulled the money out of her purse, handing it over. “  thank you so much, i really appreciate all of your help, ” she grinned. she wanted to ask about andromeda, but she supposed it may not really be the best idea.

Ted smiled a little. If he didn’t know who she was, he would think her quite a nice person. When she revealed her favourites, Ted approached the shelves, humming quietly as he browsed the titles with his eyes. “This one’s not too bad,” he said, pulling a book out and handing it to Narcissa. Repeating the process three or four more times, soon enough his customer was holding a pile of books in her hands and he smiled at her apologetically. “But maybe you just wanted one?”

  --- narcissa smiled as she watched ted pile books into her hands, being careful not to drop any, and examining the covers as she took them. chuckling slightly, she shook her head, “ no, i’ll take them all. one can never have too many books, ” she grinned.

⎯   ✴︎ There were clearly a lot of things Georgie expected out of this interaction, but none of them were what ended up happening. She supposed from the beginning she should’ve been smarter about this whole thing… left as soon as she arrived. Maybe she’d have made it to Sif’s before dementor saw her. But she’d stayed and wasn’t punished for the act of stupid recklessness. She was actually left with being face to face with Narcissa who was more or less admitting to no longer buying into the shit she’d been supporting. Or seeming to support.

          “You’re not happy with them?” she questioned, just watching her with a confused expression on her face. She fiddled a little with the coffee mug a little between her hands. She felt like she was being told some big secret, but this was honestly the first time she’d met Narcissa. She could’ve easily told her that she didn’t know why she was helping, but here she was all the same, helping and spilling to her that she wasn’t happy with the Ministry. She shook her head to try to clear up her train of thoughts. “I fully intended on continuing to cause trouble for them, approval or not, but…” She shook her head again. “Is all of this ‘being angry’ about things the New Order does a new development?”

  --- narcissa knew that she was risking the wrath of not only voldemort, but her parents, bella, and lucius but she found that she wasn’t as worried about the rebels doing something to tell the world that narcissa black malfoy supported them, but rather, that she would say something to out herself. But she supposed her wanting out had been something that she subconsciously had wanted, or else she would be far less open about it.

      “ not at all, ” she replied. she watched as the confused expression crossed georgie’s face, taking a sip of her coffee, leaning back against the counter behind her. she supposed she ought to be less open about her feelings in even her own bakery, but she doubted anyone was watching the shop, since she was married to lucius and fairly open about her distaste for law enforcement meddling in her life. “ oh, i’m sure you did, ” narcissa smiled slightly. “ i don’t think so. i think it’s more that i’ve only recently admitted to myself that i don’t like the new order. it’s hard. i don’t really know how to go about it without endangering draco. ”

⎯   ✴︎ Maybe Georgie was dreaming. She was starting to wonder that. Hit her head on her way into the place she’d chosen for refuge from the dementors outside. That was almost feasible… but the chocolate tasted so real. She took a sip of the coffee without milk. In truth, she didn’t care much about the taste. She just needed the energy it would provide. Without the high from getting away with the potion ingredients anymore, she was starting to realize how tired she really was. But that wasn’t going to stop her from staying alert.

          The hard thing about all of this was, Georgie wanted to desperately to question her about all of this, but she wasn’t sure what would cause her to call for Death Eaters. “Yeah, I understand your meaning,” she said, taking another sip of the coffee and glanced over at the broom sweeping on it’s own. She let her thoughts wander for a moment and they started to pick at her as they pushed to know more about why Narcissa was glad. Yes, she was his family, but… “Why haven’t you turned me in? And, on top of that, given me chocolate and coffee? I really haven’t kept it a secret that I’m a rebel… one that caused a rather big issue for the ministry less than a week ago… with Sirius.”

  --- if narcissa had thought about it, she would have wondered why georgie had stayed in the bakery rather than running again, leaving. narcissa knew that rebel owned shops were still open throughout diagon alley, and even neutral owned shops would be more obviously safer than a shop owned by the wife of a death eater. but instead narcissa’s thoughts were full of worry for her cousin, even though georgie said that sirius was safe at least for the time being.

      calling for lucius or rabastan hadn’t even been in her list of options when she really thought about it. whatever happened, narcissa hated having the dementors around, and she wasn’t going to leave anyone to have their soul sucked out by one when she had a chance to save them. and underneath that, her questioning her own beliefs helped in not wanting to do anything against the rebels when she herself was considering changing sides. “ i don’t like the dementors. i’m angry about them, about hogwarts’ closure, about a lot of things... ” narcissa frowned. i hate that i picked voldemort’s side instead of yours, she thought. narcissa shook her head, “ i’m not happy with the ministry. cause as much trouble for them as you want, ” she added.

▵ — Sif walked behind the counter, taking out two of the freshly cleaned mugs from underneath and placing them on the counter. She waved her wand at the kettle to heat up the water quickly. “ Any idea why they’re not? ”  Sif asked carefully, looking casually towards Narcissa as she waited for the kettle to whistle.

--- narcissa watched as sif set the mugs on the counter and started the water. she shrugged, “ something about the dementors diminishing the number of rebels... ” narcissa sighed. “ it’s the worst plan ever. ”

▵ — Sirius, not for the first time in his life, wished he could skip to the end of all of this. He wished he could skip through the trying to understand, the feeling of being held underwater simply because of all the things he’d done and said and felt up until this point. Narcissa’s striving to be perfect in her parents’ eyes was one of the things he’d used to kindle his hatred - hatred? - of her. Had his brother not done the same thing? And could Sirius blame him? Their families were toxic, breathing poison into them from the moment they were born and breeding hatred and the desire to please before they even knew their names.

     He tried to pretend he was different, but the longer he looked at Narcissa, the more he realized he wasn’t.

      How many times had he himself imagined his own mother’s reaction upon hearing he was sorted into Gryffindor? How many times had he imagined the things she would say when he left? Sirius saw his first muggle movie because he knew it would make Walburga angry. Maybe it had been different - he looked forward to becoming the colossal disappointment he ended up becoming - but in the end, their whole family, every single Black, was only ever thinking about them. What they would think. What they would say. Self-image had never been about the self.

      And worst of all, Sirius hated the fact that he didn’t know what he would have done. He believed her now - but would he have then? Was he stupid for doing so here, when she herself pointed out the flaw in his belief? Was it blinder than he realized? Was it as fucking foolish as trusting Peter Pettigrew for all that time?

      He hated that she brought Slytherin’s iconic trait of self-preservation into it. He wanted to tell her that house identifications were all ridiculous. One of his best friends now was a Slytherin, whereas a Gryffindor had sold out Lily and James and was the real reason that his godson had almost been murdered. “ It’s not because you’re a Slytherin, ” he said, unable to stop himself. “ It’s because of this fucking family. ”

      Sirius thought she was about to reach out to touch him, but was more surprised at the fact that he didn’t pull away. She stopped herself, though, and he looked down at her hand, down at his, then back at her.

      “ There can’t be a but, Cissa. There can’t be an I don’t know, and I’m sorry about that, but it’s true. There’s no such thing as neutral anymore. It’s us or them, ” he said, meaning it more than he ever had before. This had been his opinion for a long time, but for the first time since he first developed it in his teenage years, he knew it was true. “ Bravery. I’m not brave. I’m really fucking scared. And I’m really fucking angry and I am so tired. I’m not doing this because I’m brave, I’m doing it so that I can stop. So all of this can stop. ”

--- narcissa could feel the mental exhaustion setting in. she couldn’t understand herself anymore. she hated the way she’d turned out, with the exception of draco, and she hoped that tippy didn’t hate her. but she wouldn’t blame the young elf if she did. but other than that, she was so unsure about everything, and it was exhausting trying to understand. trying to wrap her head around how she disagreed with almost everything she’d been raised to believe, was making her head hurt.

      she had always remembered her childhood fondly. when she was younger she’d always loved dressing up when her family went to parties, and she’d always done as her mother had asked. and now she was stuck in the loop, wondering what druella and cygnus would say. and she knew that with most of the things she did, they approved. narcissa black was the favourite daughter. she’d always relished the attention and praise she got as a child for doing what her parents wanted. and when it had begun to make her uncomfortable, she’d learned to hide the discomfort, and eventually the disgust that she spent so long ignoring now. and she supposed that’s what made it all so hard to think about.

      all the conflict in her mind over what to do, what to believe, even if she knew, it was tearing her apart. she did believe that voldemort was wrong. with her entire being. so why was it so hard to admit ? surely she should be over her fear of her mother. 

      “ no, but so far i’ve been using self-preservation as an excuse to do what my mother wants, ” narcissa spat, making a face. she rubbed her temple, sighing. she knew that slytherin had nothing to do with anything. she knew that pettigrew - the slimy traitor - had betrayed his friends. slytherin didn’t mean evil, and gryffindor didn’t mean good. 

     “ no, there is no such thing as neutral, but what about draco ? what about tippy ? i can’t exactly leave them, ” she replied. she’d spent the last four years trying to focus on draco, and she wanted what was best for him. she wanted draco to be safe. “ you can be brave and scared. and of course you’re not doing all this because you’re brave. but bravery certainly helps. ”

▵ — Sirius watched his cousin carefully as he spoke, felt all the anger and all the hurt that he’d worked so hard to bury under all of his asinine traits dig their way to the surface, clawing at his mind and his body, making his head pound and his hands shake involuntarily. The sight of Narcissa looking on the edge, on the verge, made him wish he’d given her a second, third glance in the past, made him wonder what would be different if their family weren’t such a mess, if he hadn’t been such a royal fuck up.

      He never could blame her for not standing up for him. By that time she’d already lost Andromeda, the friendlier sister, and Druella’s reaction had been disgusting. The woman was as frightening as Walburga but only half as ugly, and Sirius despised her just as much as he despised his own mother. He never allowed himself to wonder what life would have been like had he not been placed in Gryffindor and met James and the rest of them, mostly because he was afraid to think that he might have gotten stuck. Which is exactly where Narcissa seemed to be now.

      Sirius no longer considered this with the caveat of “if she was telling the truth”.

      He was more surprised than he wanted to admit when Narcissa finally spoke, and he listened to her, for the first time in his life keeping his mouth shut. His hands still shook at his side, somewhere between rage and grief and confusion. He could tell she was fighting back tears and he wondered if he was doing the same. When she finished talking, he stayed silent for a moment longer, staring. He clenched and unclenched his jaw as her words flitted through his mind, thinking, wondering, wishing.

      “ Is that what you think of me, Narcissa? ” he asked, surprised at the hurt he felt in the wake of her words. “ Do you think I would have turned my back on you, all because I was young and secure enough to make Walburga want to kill me and you weren’t? ” Sirius laughed, unable to keep the bitterness out of it, as he never could when talking about that day or that woman. He suspected if she so much as glimpsed him on the street she’d come at his throat with a knife, and not without a shriek to make the whole world put their hands over their ears, the harpy.

      “ I never expected anything from anyone. Not everyone is as stupid as I am, not everyone puts blind faith in their own ability to just barely escape death. Trust me, that’s been made abundantly clear over the years. But this has never just been about me, Cissa, it’s been about them. It’s been about protecting them. I could’ve made out like a bandit in our family, and you could, still, but you’re here. Because they’re dying, and they shouldn’t be. And you know that. You believe that. ” It was as he said it that Sirius realized this must have been true, and he stared at Narcissa: the wife of a death eater. And a mother, and a sister, and a cousin. And someone who didn’t belong, just like he hadn’t, just like Andromeda hadn’t. He repeated himself again, this time a question, this time his voice betraying him and breaking as he spoke. “ You believe that? ”

---  narcissa felt herself beginning to tremble, fingers clenching tighter around her cloak. she’d spent so long trying to bury her emotions, to keep everyone out, and she could imagine the scowl on her mother’s face if she could see how clearly narcissa’s small frame shook. no, narcissa shook her head. she had to stop doing that, stop imagining druella’s reaction to everything she did. the only way she could imagine druella was as the bigot that she was. she couldn’t imagine the black family as anything but what it was. she wanted her family with lucius and draco to be different, but she had nothing to model it after, and it wasn’t like she could make lucius change his mind about agreeing with their parents.

she had never blamed sirius for having rebelled, for having left. she wondered what their lives would have been like if druella and walburga had pushed less for their pureblood ideals, but she assumed that had their wives not pushed the ideals, orion and cygnus would have been more outspoken to their children. she couldn’t imagine what would have happened had she been the different one. what would’ve happened if she’d been sorted differently ? she could imagine druella disowning her there and then, at eleven years old.

what a spectacle that would have been. what a spectacle it would be now if she switched sides, if it was made public.

narcissa had to admit she was surprised that she wasn’t interrupted. when she finished, wide blue eyes watched as sirius’ hands shook, and her fingers clutched her cloak tighter. she could imagine draco comparing her to tippy, and it almost made her smile. but although her lip twitched, she didn’t let the smile actually appear. it wasn’t exactly an appropriate time.

narcissa shook her head. no, she didn’t think that he would turn his back because he was secure. she had assumed that no one would have believed that narcissa black had wanted to switch sides after having spent her entire life trying so hard to be perfect in her parents’ eyes. “ i didn’t exactly think of myself as trustworthy. there would have been plenty of reason to assume that i had been sent to pretend i was tired of the pressures being put on me by my mother just so they could get to you. ” she spent too much time thinking about every worst outcome possible. “ slytherin self-preservation, ” she added, as if that explained anything. 

“ you’re not stupid, ” she cut in immediately. she didn’t see protecting his friends and wanting out from the black family as being stupid. “ you’re brave, much braver than i’ve ever been, or ever will be, probably. probably why you weren’t sorted into slytherin, ” she spoke softly. listening to his words, she shook her head, taking a step forward when she heard sirius’ voice break as he asked if she believed that, almost reaching for him, but stopping herself. “ i- you-know-who is wrong, and the war is stupid and the death eaters shouldn’t be killing anyone, but- i don’t know- ” but what would happen to draco if she defected ? her self-preservation had long since been overtaken by her worry for her son.

⎯   ✴︎ Georgie broke off a piece from the candy bar before eating it. She could already feel it working to help her feel better from the dementors outside. She swallowed before nodding to the sentiment Narcissa expressed about it being nice to meet each other. “It’s nice to meet you too… despite the circumstances,” she agreed. In all honestly, it was nice that she wasn’t in deep shit at the moment, so it was perfectly nice to meet her. But the circumstances could be drastically different were the world a better place. She might have met her in a friendlier place, maybe Sirius introducing her officially to his family. But it wasn’t how the Black family had turned out in the situation. Sirius had long since been burned from the tree.

         Then the topic was actually turned to him and she wasn’t surprised with how she brought him up. Narcissa was his cousin despite everything and Georgie wasn’t about to think the question couldn’t be to get information. She reached for the coffee for her and added a couple spoonfuls of sugar as she thought about her answer. “He’s alright. Safe. Honestly his usual just… on the run. I suppose that’s how most of us are… But, yes, he’s safe.” She didn’t add that she knew as of this morning, but she figured what she said was enough.

--- narcissa watched as georgie ate the chocolate. she really did wish they could meet under different circumstances. the war hadn’t been what she’d wanted, but she’d never really known what she wanted. narcissa knew that had the rebels won initially, had narcissa taken their side, she probably would’ve been friends with at least a few of sirius’ friends, or at least they wouldn’t have anything to worry about when they were in narcissa’s company. but regardless of the outcome of the war initially, she didn’t think that would change the way walburga, orion, druella, and cygnus saw the world.

narcissa nodded, “ good, i’m glad. ” she gave a small smile. safe while on the run, at least for now, was better than caught, although she supposed she would’ve heard if he’d been caught. rabastan tended to keep her updated on anything lucius kept from her, at least, if she and rabastan saw each other. “ about him being safe. i’m not, uh, glad that he has to keep running from... well, everyone i know, basically, ” she mumbled the last part, staring into her coffee cup.

Ted kept himself busy reorganising papers at the counter as she was browsing through the books. Hopefully she would just pick something and leave, that way he could breathe easily again. But then she spoke again and Ted looked up from the papers with a small focused frown on his face. “Hm? Oh, that one.” He walked over to her, trying to remember the plot of the book she was holding. “It’s not too cheesy,” he chuckled. “Like the right amount of cheese, I’d say. You should give it a try.” He ran a hand through his hair. “What do you, um, like the most? Romantic stories, or suspense? Funny?”

--- narcissa nodded, “ alright, i’ll give it a shot. ” narcissa ran her fingers along the spine of the next book on the shelf. she’d spent so much of her childhood reading. she felt a wistful smile fall across her face at the memories of sharing stories with her sisters, before they were all sucked into the war. shaking her head, she shrugged, “ suspense, i suppose. some romance, but it can be quite cheesy. comedy... i don’t always get. ”

⎯   ✴︎ Georgie still wasn’t dead and she wondered if this was some prank. She’d have decided on trap, but so far Narcissa hadn’t done anything to set up said trap. And if they’d really planned this ahead of time they had to be some sort of seer and knew she’d end up right in the bakery with her. This was all until she maybe changed her mind. But with the chocolate bar in front of her and Narcissa making the coffee, she was sure that wasn’t going to change soon. “Thank you,” she said, stepping up to the counter the rest of the way.

         She picked up the bar before she started to unwrap it. She was asked who she was, but she wasn’t sure what harm saying would do. Though truthfully, she already knew she was a rebel and was willingly helping her. “Georgie. Weaver.” It crossed her mind after she answered that maybe knowing she helped a bunch of people break out of the Ministry less that a week before might increase her chances of getting turned in. Especially since she’d done it all with Sirius. “I know your cousin Sirius.”

--- narcissa poured the coffee into two mugs, setting one in front of georgie and grabbing milk and sugar from the cooler below the counter. “ you’re welcome, ” narcissa smiled. she knew that the dark lord would have her head if she was caught, but she didn’t want to turn anyone in. anyways, she wasn’t good at stalling, so likely by the time anyone arrived, georgie would’ve been gone.

narcissa poured some milk into her own coffee before sipping it and leaning against the counter. “ nice to meet you. i’m sorry it’s not under better circumstances, ” narcissa gave a small smile. she’d heard about the incident with the ministry, as it had kept lucius fairly busy, not that he wasn’t already busy with work a lot of the time. narcissa nodded, “ is he... is he safe ? i mean; safe, considering, well, everything. ”

▵ — “ They’re relentless. Every time they come near every single thing I’ve ever dreaded, every single thing that’s ever - it all just comes back like it happened just moments ago and it’s sickening. ” 

“ Ah - anyway, sorry, you didn’t come in here for all that. D’you want a cuppa? On the house. ”

--- “ they’re the worst. i hate it. they should be sent back to guarding azkaban. ”

▵ — Sirius watched, waited, his eyes flicking from hers - he didn’t remember her ever looking so sad - and her hand, wondering when she’d reach for her wand. He could have done it - even considered that he probably should have done it - but he didn’t send any curses, hexes, or even the most harmless of spells in her direction. He waited. He thought. He wondered if she wanted to see him dead, like her eldest sister. He wondered if part of her wanted to do it herself, for Druella, like Regulus had for Walburga.

      But then Narcissa spoke, and the hand holding his wand fell to his side in shock.

      I’m sorry. For everything.

      Sirius stared at her for a long moment, confusion leading him to put his guard down completely as her words and the tone of her voice began to settle, as he tried to figure out the thoughts and feelings that ran feverishly through his head. He’d spent years carefully fostering a hatred for his entire family, thinking back on the lot of them with disgust at their apathy, their ability to think of so many as so much lesser than them, their want to see those people burned at the stake, simply because they didn’t have a title that was desirable to them. And they were unapologetic.

      So Sirius couldn’t understand why. He couldn’t understand why she was sorry, and worse yet, he couldn’t understand why he believed her, when every single part of his mind wanted to call her a liar. He studied her features, as if they would reveal something that would make all of this make more sense - but what he found there, he wasn’t sure of.

      “ Why are you apologizing? ” Sirius asked, more harshly than he liked, less harshly than he intended. “ Hm? Why are you apologizing now ? What did it, Cissa, what was the last straw for you? Was it all the murder, all the fear? Kids being orphaned, people living on the streets? Or maybe it was Voldemort going to murder my INFANT GODSON ?! ” His voice got louder and louder as he spoke, shaking when he reached the end as he began to lose control. “ My godson. ”

--- narcissa wrapped her arms around herself, fingers digging into her sides harshly. she wished she’d taken andromeda’s side whens he left. she wished she’d reached out to andromeda and sirius when they’d left the black homes. she forced herself to stand still, not wanting to appear more vulnerable than she already was appearing, with her refusal to draw her wand, and her usual automatic mask that she kept up had fallen. but struggling not to tremble was proving to be more difficult than she wanted.

blue eyes watched as sirius’ wand hand fell back to his side after she spoke, and she just stared for a couple minutes. she’d never been able to make herself hate sirius or andromeda the way their parents wanted her to. rather, she’d used occlumency, put up walls and misled anyone who tried to pry into her mind to keep them from finding out about how much she missed them. but she was sure that if anyone tried to pry right now, they’d see just how much regret she held, how much she missed them. surely, her mother would be furious.

‘ i worked so hard to get you that marriage and life, and you’re going to throw it all away for those blood-traitors ?? ’

narcissa could hear her mother’s voice in her head, scolding her for her feelings. yet, she couldn’t say that she was sorry that she missed them except when paired with her regret that she’d kept her feelings to herself. but sirius and andromeda had both had friends to go to. narcissa wasn’t so sure any of her friends would have taken her in the way james potter’s family had accepted sirius. perhaps if rabastan had been old enough to have been living alone, but if she’d defected, she doubted he would have. at least not for her. they hadn’t been close until bella and rodolphus had gotten married, anyways.

narcissa listened as sirius yelled, not once opening her mouth to interrupt. any harsh words he had for her, she was certain she deserved. but she let out a squeak unintentionally, shrinking back slightly as he mentioned his godson. she shook her head violently, pushing back tears - she’d never been one of the strong members of her family, at least in her own opinion. “ what would you have done if i’d owled you while you were living with the potters ? what would you have done if i’d shown up, claiming i was on your side ?  i should have chosen to stand up for you and andromeda. i was scared. i doubt anyone would have wanted to take me in then, just like i’m unwanted now. i spent my entire life trying to be the perfect daughter, perfect-fucking-pureblood, because it was that or be thrown out to nothing. where would i have gone, sirius ? ” the entire concept was left a sour taste in her mouth. she’d spent her entire life trying to be ‘ perfect ’ in the black family’s eyes, and for what ? self-preservation that wouldn’t have even mattered had she been nicer during her earlier years at hogwarts ? 

narcissa sighed, “ i never wanted any of this. i was scared. i-i didn’t know that he was going to go after harry until after it happened. i don’t get to go to meetings. i... i’m- ” she curled her fingers into the fabric of her cloak, gaze falling to stare at her feet. “ all i can do is apologise. i’ve already thrown myself into suspicion by rampaging through the ministry after hearing about hogwarts. what would you have me do ? ”