sincerely yours

I see life in brush strokes

I look at things and my mind wonders

About how they will look like in paint

The world seems more real to me

When I imagine it as a painting

Rather than when I am living it

I see the world in abstract

There are no set edges, no set rules

Nothing is ever too real, nothing is decided

But I get so lost sometimes

I get so caught up in my own mind

That I forget the reality I live in

I feel more accomplished and alive

In thoughts than in real life

When I think, therefore I am done

And that can be a problem

Because no one really understands

When I say I am tired

How I am both present and away

Here but somewhere else

Never truly in the moment

Always chasing the next high

Sometimes I even think I am crazy

Because I see life in brush strokes

I look at things and my mind wonders

About how they will look like in paint

Life seems more real to me

When I imagine it as a painting

When I am excluded in the narrative

Rather than when I am living it.

For the silent moments at home, wherever that means

Like the hours before everyone wakes, rainy days,

Or the kitchen at 3 AM with its silent lullabies

I feel most alive in solitude

When I am free to bask in my thoughts, muse about life

Isn't that what life's supposed to feel like?

Peace, my entire being longs for it. ☕

December 1, 2020

There is this certain emptiness I cannot escape from

Every wall in this house speaks loudly of you

It is true what they say

Once you have felt warmth, you will long for it

All the time.

Truth is, I can't see myself in the future. I can't see myself graduating college or having my own family. I can't even see myself in the moment sometimes. I feel so disconnected from reality. This life feels surreal to me, like I am a secondary character in my own story.

I can't help but think my days here are numbered. Not because I'm going to take my own life but I can feel my mind and body deteriorating each day. I've been sleeping at odd hours and I don't have healthy mental habits either. Scary but no matter how hard I try, I don't see the point.

Kuya checked on me awhile ago, and I loved how natural the conversation went on. I could sense we're both having a hard time but he didn't force me to talk. I didn't either. We can be sensible towards each other like that.

He asked me about what keeps me going. I was amazed by how refreshing the approach was, healthy even. It made me think of the reasons why I am still here and though the goal is to think of good ones, I know it is because I have no choice.

I can't give further disappointment to my family, especially mommy. I can't take leaving them that much pain and sorrow. So here I am, not even for myself.

I know the way I wrote this is crappy but as usual, writing helped me process my emotions. Good thing, I have this safe space. I got to go now because it's almost 4 AM. I should atleast try to not shorten this life span any further. Ciao.

I'm hungry for intimacy, for human touch.

I'm hungry for the sunshine and raindrops.

I'm hungry for everything I took for granted.

I'm hungry for the life before all this.

Kasabay ba ng paglubog ng araw ang pagkamatay ng pag ibig? Gusto kong isipin na hindi. Sapagkat ang dapithapon ay pag ibig na dumadaloy, pag ibig na may iba't ibang anyo, pag ibig na bumabalik.

Ang dapithapon ay hindi isang pagtatapos bagkus isang panibagong simula. Natutulog lamang ang araw, nagpapahinga at muling babangon pagdating ng bukang liwayway.

Hindi man maibabalik ang kahapon, madadagdagan naman ang mga bituin sa langit. Ang mga nagsisilbing liwanag sa gitna ng madilim na gabi. Minsan ay matatakpan ng ulap o masasapawan ng ulan ngunit mananatili ang pag ibig, natatanaw man o hindi.