Chaotic | Introvert

“Dear Arima Kousei,

It feels weird writing a letter to someone you were just with…

You’re the worst. Indecisive. Gullible. Twit.

The first time I ever saw you perform, I was 5 years old. It was at a recital for the piano school I was going to. This awkward, clumsy kid came onto the stage and accidentally hit the piano stool with his butt. It was too funny. He turned to the piano that was way too big for him and the moment he played that first note, I was drawn in. The sound was beautiful, like a 24-colour palette. The melodies danced. The girl next to me started crying. I wasn’t expecting that at all. And even so, you gave up the piano. Even though it totally changed other people’s lives.

You’re the worst. Indecisive. Gullible. Twit.

(*Cut to Kaori as a kid, telling her parents she’s giving up piano for violin because she wants Kousei to play again.*)

When I found out we were in the same middle school, I was ecstatic. But how would I ever come to talk to you? Maybe I’d hang out at the lunch concession. Instead, I just watched you from afar. I mean. After all. You all seemed to get along so well. There wasn’t really any space in there for someone like me.

When I was a kid, I had to have an operation and I started having to be at the hospital for regular check-ups. In the first year of middle school, I collapsed and I was admitted over and over. With every visit, I was there for longer and longer. Really, I didn’t get to class much in middle school, I spent more time at the hospital. And I knew something was wrong with my body. One night, I saw my parents crying in the waiting room and I knew that my time was running out. That’s when I ran away.

I didn’t want to bring my regrets with me to heaven, so I stopped holding back from what the things I always wanted to do. I wasn’t scared anymore to get contact lenses. I ate what I wanted instead of always worrying about my weight. And I took the music with all its high and mighty directives and played it the way I wanted. And then I told a lie. Just one. I lied and said that I, Miyazono Kaori, liked Watari Ryouta. And that lie brought you to me.

Please apologize to Watari for me… though I’m sure he’s forgotten me by now I think I need someone more wholehearted and earnest than him. I think we’d be fine as friends though. And please apologize to Tsubaki for me too. I want for there to be no hard feelings. And there was one thing I could never ask of her, to ask her directly to introduce the two of us. I don’t think she would’ve had an answer for me. After all, she was in love with you. We all knew that. I think the only people who didn’t know were you and her.

That underhanded lie brought me to you didn’t work out the way I had imagined. 

It was darker.

And meaner.

And denser.

And more stubborn.

And more perverted.

And softer.

And more masculine.

And sweet.

Remember that bridge we jumped off? The water was so cool and refreshing. Racing each other alongside the train. I really thought I could win. The moon was saw from the music room that night, like a delicious-looking bun. Singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with you as we rode on that bike together. Then falling out time. We’re awful singers. At the school at night. I’m still sure there was something there. The falling snow, just like cherry blossoms. It’s strange to be a musician, but then to have your heart so filled by something that comes from off-stage They’re unforgettable scenes to me. But they’re such little things.

It’s weird, isn’t it?

What do you think?

Do you think I made it into anyone’s heart like that?

I wonder if I made it into yours. I wonder if you’ll still remember me. If you forget me, I’ll just come back and.. No, I don’t want to start over. Please don’t forget me. Promise me you won’t forget me. I’m glad it was you. I hope this reaches you, Arima Kousei.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I’m sorry we couldn’t eat all those canelés. I’m sorry I hit you so much. I’m sorry I was so selfish. I’m so, so, so, so sorry. Thank you for everything.