a journey of mine

I write this on the train, in my way back to my hometown, Serang.

Finally I decided to going back to home for a while. Setelah setahun kabur melanglangbuana, mencoba mandiri, namun berakhir kembali.

I know I still have nothing to be proud of.

I know my life was very troubled these days..dan salah satu penyebab terbesarnya adalah, I haven’t financially stable, dan manajemen keuanganku belum terlalu baik. At least i learn to survive before, menghargai setiap rupiah, menghargai setiap detik waktu, menghargai setiap usaha.

Uang memang bukan segalanya. Namun segalanya butuh uang. Pepatah terbaik yang kudengar selama ini. Kondisi finansial seseorang menentukan harganya di keluarga, teman, hingga masyarakat. Kondisi finansial seseorang menentukan bagaimana respon ia terhadap masalah. Kondisi finansial menentukan sejauh apa daya juang seseorang. Meski pada akhirnya tangan Tuhan jauh lebih berhak menentukan.

Drama pulang kali ini cukup emosional, mulai dari vaksin, ppkm hingga perkara bis atau kereta. Perjalananku malam ini adalah hasil dari pemikiran panjang. I went home to a not really call home, its only a hometown.

In my deepest heart, my endless love is her. The greatest mom ever. The most independent woman I've know.

But just like other women, she can also blind of love.

In my deepest heart, I totally care about her happiness, I pray everyday to God to give her a better life she more deserve. She deserves to be happy, she deserves to choose whatever she wants in her life. She needs to be free to be able to protect us. To spreading the happiness to us.

But just like other women, she focus on her man's happiness, instead of herself.

She just like everyone. Just like other women.

 DAY 4 of #30daysofwritingchallenge 

After visiting this place in 2017 ago, I fell in love with every single spot of Gili Trawangan. Seeing a natural clean blue of water without any addition of chlorine is a kind of total beauty. If you ask me where you will go after the pandemic ends? I will proudly say the trio Gili islands, whatever it is.

I went there in 2017, but it was a kind of group tour event, and I’m still a young shy girl with less exploration at that time  😁  

Imagining sitting on the beachsides or a beach club is already become a kind of healing. Looking for an aesthetic villas in the trio Gili Island in tiket.com, and imagine being able to go back there with besties will be a great moment to remember. 

Go for a wonderful snorkeling. 

Join a diving class. 

Take two spoons of gelato ice cream. 

Going around with bicycles. 

Sun tanning.

Let the beach wind blowing my hair.

Just leaving every single stress out.

Bring me there pleasee ❤️

Day 3 of #30daysofwritingchallenge

If you ask me what kind of memory that stains in my mind? actually its a bad memory. Isn’t it? Bukankah memori buruk memang selalu lebih membekas?

Namun, belakangan ini, momentum kelulusan masih hangat di kepala, dan hal yang terindah adalah berproses di Sydney. 

I was 20 at that time, having zero experiences of going abroad, bahasa inggris masih sangat tekstual, dan juga menyedihkannya masih membawa mental inferior. Meet a lot of interracial friends dengan logat masing-masing, ilmu kimia masih cetek, it such a struggle 😭 👊 

Untungnya I have a great mentor yang banyak membantu, di kampus dan di luar kampus. Yang memahami bahwa aku masih membawa mental inferior ini… haha

Di luar kehidupan lab dan kampus, Sydney was a great place to start. Mungkin solo travel pun masih aman aman saja. Banyak orang lokal Indo, dan dalam bus pun masih pasti sering terdengar orang percakapan dengan Bahasa Indo/Malay.

Sebenarnya ingin cerita banyak! Tapi ingin sekalian share foto foto dan belum kucari lagi dimana 😆 I’ll update this content soon.

DAY 2 of #30daysofwritingchallenge.

What things that make me happy?

Enam bulan setelah lulus, saat ada keinginan untuk lanjut S2, aku menahan diri. Dengan harapan, ingin cari duit dulu, supaya bisa bayar kuliah sendiri, nanti, mungkin di semester depan, di semester ganjil. Tapi nyatanya, biaya hidup rasanya cukup mahal, kebutuhan membludak, bisnis belum berkembang lagi, dan entah harus mencari sources of income dari mana lagi. Tabungan belum seberapa. Duit rasanya habis untuk kebutuhan sehari hari, dan kebutuhan-kebutuhan genting lainnya. Servisin kulkas orang, hp rusak, daaaan seribu drama hidupku lainnya. 

Orang bilang berbusa-busa, beasiswa S2 di LN banyak, yes I agree. Tapi untuk persiapan pendaftaran beasiswa aja rasanya modal..haha sedangkan aku harus hidup dari hari ke hari. 

Beberapa bulan menuju pendaftaran semester ganjil, harapan ingin bayar kuliah sendiri rasanya nggak ada. Orang tua  menawarkan diri untuk membantu. Tapi seandainya bisa tidak, sebaiknya tidak. 

Sebulan sebelum pendaftaran pascasarjana dibuka, a got a call. Dan I never wonder, that might be a kind of a magical hope call. Setidaknya telepon itu memberiku opsi jawaban dari pertanyaanku “gimana ya bisa lanjut sekolah lagi tanpa biaya orang tua?” yang sebelumnya mungkin soalnya essay, dimana I have no idea what I need to do to answer that questions. 

“Daftar saja dulu, apapun yang terjadi, we’ll see” - ujarnya, yang menunjukkanku pada harapan itu. 

Dan seandainya itu berhasil, I’ll be very grateful to God that showing me the power of never lose in hope, and also to her, the one that gives me this great opportunity. Dan seandainya itu berhasil, I believe in the fact bahwa semua pilihan yang mungkin dulu pernah diipertanyakan, mengapa aku begini, mengapa aku begitu, mengapa aku pilih ini ya, mengapa aku pilih itu, ternyata adalah jalan Tuhan, sang Maha pembolak-balik hati manusia.  

Along this time, I believe that I am not a lucky person, but that call gives me at least a strength. So, I’m still waiting for this. Wish me luck! <3

Yogyakarta, 27 Juli 2021.

I will be heading up 23 in two months. Harusnya di usia segitu kita punya apa? I have nothing, except insecurity, and a lot of childhood trauma.

Growing up as the only one girl, in a patriarchal family, bringing a lot of struggle to me. I used to live with a lot of guidebook related on “how to be a desired woman”. They wanted me to be their dream woman. 

My brains does not mean a lot, if i am not wearing a mask to pleasure them. To make my parents look like the most successfull parent in the world.

"Oh, they raise their child well" - the word that they wanted to hear.

My ambition is no more than a wish, my future is depends on a thousand rules about what a woman can and cannot achieve in their lidfe. 

I am currently 22, and the thing I just realized: I used to grow up by begging boy’s validation, since no one appreciating me in the family.

Although I am a dream woman for everyone, but for my family, I am the worst. 

I might be selfish.

I might be stubborn.

I might be overly ambitious.

I might be less empathy.

I might be always bring my poker face everywhere.  

But regardless of whatever they say, i will be always growing, to be what i wanna be. Hopefully. I have my own guidebook, even it’s from different publisher. 

Yogyakarta, 26 Juli 2021.