our big beautiful horrible baby

1. Recap & Staff

1.1. Introduction

1.2. History: The Golden Seals and early Sharks history

1.3. History: Playoffs and Rivalries

1.4. History: Celebration, the escape room B-plot, and retired jerseys

1.5. Season recap

1.6. The Barracuda (AHL) + Intermission: Being a Sharks fan

1.7. General Manager Mike Grier

1.8. Head Coach David Quinn

1.9. SJ Sharkie

1.10. The Roster: Injury woes and notable trades

2. Captains

2.1 Overview + Logan Couture #39

2.2. Tomáš Hertl #48 (part 2, part 3, part 4)

2.3. Mario Ferraro #38

2.4. Mikael Granlund #64

2.5. Luke Kunin #11

3. Forwards

3.1. Overview + Kevin Labanc #62

3.2. Nico Sturm #7

3.3. Anthony Duclair #10

3.4. William Eklund #72

3.5. Fabian Zetterlund #20

3.6. Justin Bailey #90

3.7. Filip Zadina #18

3.8. Alexander Barabanov #94

3.9. Ryan Carpenter #22

3.10. Mike Hoffman #68

3.11. Givani Smith #54

3.12. Thomas Bordeleau #17

3.13. Collin Graf #51

4. Defensemen

4.1 Overview + Marc-Édouard Vlasic #44 (part 2, part 3)

4.2. Jan Rutta #84

4.3. Jacob MacDonald #9

4.4. Nikita Okhotiuk #83

4.5. Kyle Burroughs #4

4.6. Calen Addison #33

4.7. Ty Emberson #6

4.8. Henry Thrun #3

4.9. Matt Benning #5

5. Goalies

5.1. Our goalies (start of the season) + goalie loving intermission (to prepare us in advance for the horrors that lie ahead)

5.2. Mackenzie Blackwood #29

5.3. Kaapo Kähkönen #36

5.4. Magnus Chrona #30

5.5. Our goalies? (transition into trade deadline acquisitions)

6. Trade Deadline Acquisitions

6.1. Overview + Jack Thompson #26 and David Edstrom #21

6.2. Klim Kostin #10

6.3. Vítek Vaněček #41

6.4. Devin Cooley #1

7. Prospects

6.5. Georgi Romanov #31

(Georgi is NOT a trade deadline acquisition but the brief time he spent up with the Sharks makes more sense to attach to Devin's slides with the way we did Devin's slides/goalie slides in general)

7.1 Overview + Will Smith #6

7.2. Shakir Mukhamadullin #85

7.3. Jack Studnicka #16

7.4. Danil Gushchin #75

7.5. Luca Cagnoni #73

7.7. Eetu Mäkiniemi #32

7.6. The other guys (part 2, part 3)

(Shorter sections that we are not making individual posts for. Includes Quentin Musty #27, Filip Bystedt #25, Cam Lund #12, Kasper Halttunen #12, Jake Furlong #43, Eric Pohlkamp #23, Mattias Hävelid #4, Tristen Robins #52, Ozzy Wiesblatt #89, Ethan Cardwell #56, and Brandon Svoboda #23)

7.8. Macklin Celebrini + Intermission

Slide 1: Cost analysis

[Slide 1 transcript start.]

TO BE OR NOT TO BE A SHARKS FAN? [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Come to the Shark Side! We got:

All vibes, no standards :) We lose so much that losing isn’t the end of the world

Coolest branding in the league RAHHHHH

Brodie Brazil’s rotating cast of boyfriends

4 goals for free tacos at home game!

sj sharkie

We are going to win Stanley Cup and get Celebrini in the draft

neonfretra: ok <3 yay <3

puckpocketed: “The work ethic is always there.” - Shannon (The Hockey Guy) i don't remember the exact video but it was a review of one of our more devastatingly close losses. we don’t ever give up. not the players and not the lb <3

to break kayfabe for a bit:

this is NOT a team that is going to Win a whole lotta Games (see: the ELEVEN and TWELVE game loss streaks).

this is NOT a team that stands a chance of making the playoffs for at least a few seasons probably

this IS a team that will turn over a billion pucks and get two billion penalties, so if you like to see your team play defense or your goalie make saves on high danger shots by god will they be in their d zone to play defense of varying quality

this IS a roster that will probably see players you like come and go due to the rebuild (see: ek65).

still. they play for each other and never give up and the wins are sweet <3 AND we can hang out in the lb tag to celebrate the highs and many lows of shrockey <3

[Slide 1 transcript end.]

Slide 2: Resources

[Slide 2 transcript start.]

Youtube:

San Jose Sharks - official channel, interviews and other promotional videos

Brodie Brazil - Sharks and A’s commentary

Professor Hockey - analyses every Sharks game and covers prospects occasionally

puckpocketed: Important: he will roast your fave if they played bad, do not expect fluff

San Jose Hockey Now - reporter Sheng Peng’s postgame interviews and podcast

Locked On Sharks - daily video/podcast about breaking Sharks news, games played, and prospects hosted by JD Young.

The Hockey Guy - general NHL, recaps games and recent news with occasional focus videos, a lotta stats. here’s a video about their OTHER bad bad season that people compare this szn to

San Jose Sharks’ NHL page - official site

Wikipedia: 2023–24 San Jose Sharks season - log of games, player stats, transactions

The Hockey News - Max Miller covers the Sharks’ team site, including: breaking Sharks news, analysis, and player features (some articles paywalled)

[Slide 2 transcript end.]

Slide 3: Dedication

[Slide 3 transcript start.]

Dedications and Thanks <3 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

This is dedicated to user @/scoringchance (burkysmirky) (EDIT: now our beloved @scorebug <3) Our sincerest apologies for promising a primer and dropping a textbook into your lap instead. This will be on the test <3 This is for you as much as it is for everyone who wants to learn about the Sharks!

Special thanks to user @tofumilanesa for being an essential Ekky source, and a constant presence on sharksblr, helping to keep it alive for us to stumble upon this season !! 

puckpocketed:

I’d like to thank my co-conspirators <3 @neonfretra for being thee reference wrangler and an amazing cheerleader and all-round wonderful presence in the sharks/kraken lb tag <3 @oensible for going above and beyond in their stats and fact gathering, being the first familiar face in the sharks lb tag, absolutely carrying the primer writing when life got in the way, and also for cc’ing me into this wretched email chain inviting me along on this wonderful primer journey!!! and both of them overall for following me into the abyss (randomly falling into the orbit of new failwives and disasterwomen teams every week or 2) Also. thank you neonfretra for reminding us that 9p font on entire slides is… not ideal 

oensible:

hugs and kisses this was so much fun to work on I’ll see y’all next season <3 (aka like. technically right now since this took so long to finish <3) ALSO A BIG SHOUT OUT TO DQ AND GM MIKE GRIER FOR NOT BLOWING UP THE TEAM AND MAKING EVERYTHING OUT OF DATE DESPITE THEM PLAYING REALLY BADLY <3 Trade deadline update: I LIED!!!! they were cooking up trades after all!!! Making moves in silence!!!

puckpocketed: we were thee moste active team at the trade deadline fyi <3

neonfretra: Great thanks to both y’all writing this. We make a good triumvirate :) With great affection, it was so fun to see everyone’s different approaches! So many numbers and images and write ups and getting overly attached to a guy who spent so much of the season injured. I would not choose to get emotionally invested in a team 3-ish weeks before trade deadline with anyone else. Maybe the real San Jose Sharks were the friends we made along the way <3 And also Mike Hoffman, there is no way we are getting trade offers of him LMAO

[Figure 1 image description: Tumblr post by user @burkysmirky from [2024] Feb 15 that says "i need a sharks primer does anyone have one lying around" and is tagged "#sharks lb". Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: Haunting photos taken moments before disaster. (Tumblr)

[Figure 2 image description: Tumblr post by user @oensible from [2024 Feb 18] that says "speedrunning a primer in the middle of the szn w/ @neonfretra (edit: PLUS @puckpocketed now :3)… faced with the daunting task of finding something to say about each of these guys that a) just got here when b) WE just got here and c) my ass is constantly expanding the scope of the primer without finishing any of the prior segments" and is tagged "#sharks lb #hockey tag #^^ guy tghat saw an old picture of mark smith from its intermission from back when he was a player ALSO w cool hair colors and went #'oh i cant NOT make him a slide now'". There are three replies, the first is from puckpocketed and says: "SHARKS PRIMER REAL???". The second is from oensible and says "@puckpocketed It is slowly but surely ticking up to 40 slides, all of them only half finished send HELP". The third is from puckpocketed and says "CC ME INTO THE EMAIL CHAIN UNIRONICALLY IM HERE TO HELP".

Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: Descent into Hades. No lookin back now fellas (gender neutral) Tumblr

oensible: ^^ We’ll get to the caster slides another time btw <3

oensible: remember that time when i said 40 slides like it was outrageous lol. lmao

Slide 19: Macklin Celebrini

[Slide 19 transcript start.]

HONORARY MENTION [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Macklin Celebrini

neonfretra:

HE SHOULDA BEEN AT THE CLUB HES TOO YOUNG TO BE AT THE CLUB

(F/Centre) #71

Has not been drafted into the NHL yet but we’re about to get him as the 1st overall draft pick (trust us) so here is some information on him. Do not worry about how this might conflict with our plans to also win the Stanley Cup this season

17 years old and there are already memes about tanking to get him in draft (we contribute to this in the lb <3)

puckpocketed: he is too young for this kind of narrative pressure they are always too young why are they always so. young??

Plays for the Boston University Terriers (fun fact: this team is Rivals with the Boston College Eagles! He is battling to the death with Will Smith!!)

Played with the Junior Sharks hockey program in 2019-20 (he’s already one of us, in a way <3)

Exists in a post-Bedard world: is the clear favourite for 1st overall, but every conversation begins with the caveat “well, he’s not generational”

puckpocketed: THE SPECTRE OF THE NEXT NEXT NEXT ONE CASTS ITS SHADOW OVER US ALL

Ironically, has been compared to Crosby with how complete of a player he already seems to be

puckpocketed: the scouts, they salivate over his raw potential. but what of the boy beneath??? 

His dad works for the Golden State Warriors NBA team so he’s an organism they are fond of. Draymond Green hypes him up

puckpocketed: Reams will be written about mack’s jockdad but thats for next primer <3

POST-DRAFT UPDATE: Macklin Celebrini is officially drafted 1st overall by the Sharks. Everyone say hi to the new baby <3

puckpocketed: WON THE HOBEY BAKER AWARD AS A 17 YEAR OLD!!! YOUNGEST PLAYER IN THE NCAA

[Figure 1 image description: Edit of the "Do it for her" meme from The Simpsons, where there is a message board with pictures of Macklin Celebrini pasted over it with the words "Do it for him" between the pictures. The Locked On Sharks Podcast cover is in the top right. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: pinned post on Locked on Sharks host JD Young’s Twitter.

[Figure 2 image description: Edit of the "Friendship ended with X, now Y is my best friend meme" to say "Friendship ended with Connor now Macklin Celebrini is my best friend. The image in the middle is a picture of a person shaking hands with another person who has the face of Macklin Celebrini pasted over their face. In the bottom left and right corners are pictures of a person who has been crossed out. Pictures of Connor Bedard's face have been edited over the faces. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: New Draft Year New Sacrificial Prodigy!! “1g, 3a through 2 periods for Macklin Celebrini” by Reddit user caldermuyo. 

Last updated: 2024 Jul 2

[Slide 19 transcript end.]

Slide 20: Narrative Intermission — season

[Slide 20 transcript start.]

Narrative Intermission: Redemption, Revenge, and Rebuilds [NOTE: Larger title text.]

"Hoffman talks longest goalscoring slump of his career" —San Jose Hockey Now

1. If you’ve been following along and you’ve managed to parse your entire way through our textbook of a primer, you might’ve noticed something we picked up on during our research… We have a lot of losers. 

2. Some, like Granlund and Zadina, started their careers on the bleeding-edge of prospect ranking lists, as high draft picks, as the next wave of talent for their respective franchises, and fell from grace. Others were never drafted at all, and had to grind their way into the NHL. Their career trajectories from then have of course diverged.

neonfretra: isnt it beautiful how all these players from wildly different careers come together to the sharks and become the biggest flop of the league

"Zadina makes impact in San Jose Sharks debut; Granlund to IR". "San Jose Sharks center Tomas Hertl on Filip Zadina: “He wants to prove to everybody why he was drafted high”" —The Mercury News

3. What’s important is they’ve converged in San Jose to play out their post-dream hangovers. We kept count as a joke but the pattern was obvious: we are, beyond our abysmal season record, a team comprised of players who are looking to prove something — to themselves, the media and fans, or the teams that gave up on them.

4. Many of our Sharks are players who’ve been told, in one way or another, that their shelf life as someone useful, with potential, is basically over.

"Talented, young defensemen remind Red Wings of what could have been" —Michigan Live

5. They didn’t meet expectations. They’re in decline. They were almost somebody — they failed. Some are leftovers from better days, some chose to be here. A lot of them are journeymen at the end of a long line of trades, the unwanted sinew carved off an overcrowded roster and discarded. 

puckpocketed: Assigned Mediocrity At Trade, if you will,

neonfretra: A MAT the way everyone wanna walk all over them!!!!

[Figure 1 image description: Edmonton Oilers' Zach Hyman (#18), Connor McDavid (#97), and Leon Draisaitl (#29) and the San Jose Sharks' Luke Kunin (#11), Kyle Burroughs (#4), and Nikita Okhotiuk (#83) trying to get to the puck in front of Sharks' goaltender Mackenzie Blackwood (#29). Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: Look at this image. They are pictured here with Zach Hyman and Connor McDavid, plus Leon Draisaitl in the back. Compared to them these Sharks are NOT relevant at all to the broader hockey world except Luke to a degree. And yet here they are (Photo: Hockey Shots/Dean Tait)

6. What binds them is how they’ve all thrown their lot in with the San Jose Sharks in the depths of its rebuild in hopes of making their mark on one last bit of hockey. 

7. Any hockey.

8. From the outside looking in; isn’t that silly? A rebuilding team is, generally, a revolving door of bench-fillers for the tanking effort until they can bank up enough elite assets to make a run at the Cup.

9. But that’s the thing: no one ever thinks they’ll fall short and be the one who gets dealt at the deadline. They all believe they’ll be the exception — the one who’ll make the difference. 

"Anthony Duclair says trade from Florida Panthers ‘part of the business’." —Florida Hockey Now

10. Hockey gods willing, they’ll be a part of something starting. A new dynasty — a new myth. They believe it because they must.

Last updated: 2024 Feb 24

[Slide 20 transcript end.]

Slide 21: Narrative Intermission — team

[Slide 21 transcript start.]

Narrative Intermission: What does it mean to be a Shark? [NOTE: Larger title text.]

1. As of February 24, 2024, the Sharks are 15-35-5. It seems like we never see it happen, but the 2023-24 Sharks have won games. Once in a while, randomly, they’ll snatch a game from a team they have no business beating. 

2. But what are those wins built on? How do you keep going, loss after loss? 

3. One could argue that it’s the nature of hockey. Anything can happen. There’s variance and puck luck and the confounding factor of our brilliant goalie tandem — and if a team happens to be imploding while the Sharks are circling their waters, we get to eat.

4. But that doesn’t explain the inexplicably good vibes — luck can’t hope to encompass the friendship, and love, and brotherhood that exists inside that locker room.

5. Better teams with more wins have fallen apart for less. We have not one, but two 10+ loss skids. We are, as of writing, edging our way into a third.

puckpocketed: we won at 9….third 10 game loss streak AVOIDED!!!  

6. So, wins. What are they built on? The better question to ask is, who are the Sharks — what does it mean to be a Shark?

7. Our wins are few, but when they do happen one Sharks player is selected to receive our post-win award: the ANY BOYS plaque. It reads: “ANY BOYS, ANY ONE, ANY TIME, ANY PLACE”

[Figure 1 image description: Givani Smith holding the San Jose Sharks' "Any boys" win plate in the locker room while Nico Sturm smiles up at him from the bench. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: Smitty (the elder) gets the plaque <3 Sturmy watches proudly! NBC Sports (Photo: Andreea Cardini/San Jose Sharks)

8. Hailing from the Des Moines Buccaneers, Mario Ferraro brought the “Any Boys” ethos to the Sharks. He inherited it from his old Buccaneers coach, Dave Allison. For them, it meant:

9. “...that we, as a group, created an identity for us at the beginning of the year, to be a team that competes as hard as we can. No matter the circumstances. We’re tired. We’ve been on the road. We had a late game. We got in late last night. It don’t matter, right? No matter the team, no matter the place, we give it 110 percent.” — Mario Ferraro quoted in NBC Sports by Sheng Peng

10. This is what it means to be a Shark: work for it, together, no matter what.

11. They don’t always succeed. There are nights where the energy of the entire bench goes sour. There’ve been nights when the hard work isn’t enough. There will be many, many more.

12. But the foundations are there. Our leaders have carried these lessons and throughout this season they’ve been passing it on to our future. Whoever the Sharks used to be, something new is coming.

13. ANY BOYS, ANY ONE, ANY TIME, ANY PLACE

puckpocketed: SHARKS HOCKEY IS HUNGRY HOCKEY RAAAAHHHHHH

Last updated: 2024 Mar 11

Slide 17: Eetu Mäkiniemi

[Slide 17 transcript start.]

The other guys! (pt 4.) [NOTE: Larger title text.]

puckpocketed: Maki gets his own slide because he got a shutout the other day and i care him and i know we said uh. 150 slides ago that this wasn’t a cuda primer but I found a. Way. to view cuda games <3 and a lot of our prospects are in the cuda anyway SO I MEAN. whoopsie ! all cuda !

Eetu Mäkiniemi #32

Drafted 2017, round 4, 104th overall by Canes

21-22, plays for the Wolves (AHL)

Ends a pretty stand out season with an 11-2-1 record Dec 27, on account of. Um? Playing with a lower back injury until surgery was unavoidable? Stick a pin in that.

2022 Jul 13, gets traded to the Sharks

It’s the Brent Burns trade!

Meets Kaapo Kähkönen during training camp, have dinner together and talk a bit during the course of camp

2022, Dec 7 | VAN @ SJS | 6–5 OT, makes his NHL debut as a relief goalie for the third period

With James Reimer out on injury, joins Kähkönen for a stretch of games

Takes the Sharks to an overtime loss

DQ break out the pompoms girl <3 Starts Mäkiniemi the game after because he liked what Mäkiniemi brought to the table—and also Kähkönen let in 4 goals in 19 shots, sooo

2022, Dec 9 | SJS @ ANA | 6-1, first NHL start!

Yeah what the hell is that score actually

23 saves on 24 SOG!

[Figure 1 image description: Goalie Eetu Makiniemi, seen here after a game against the Tuscon Roadrunners at Tech CU Arena on Dec. 4, 2022, was called up from the San Jose Barracuda of the AHL to the San Jose Sharks on Dec. 6. Makiniemi had a 6-4-1 record with the Barracuda before he was recalled. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: Mäkiniemi in uniform for the Cuda. The Mercury News

[Figure 2 image description: Picture of Eetu Mäkiniemi in net during a game, wearing the Sharks' 2022–23 season Reverse Retro jersey. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: see that puck at his pad, not going into the net? BRICK. WALL. Twitter

[Figure 3 image description: Picture of Makiniemi after the game holding a his first win puck. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3: with his 1st NHL win puck <3. Twitter

Last updated: 2024 Jun 30

[Slide 17 transcript end.]

Slide 18: Eetu Mäkiniemi — injuries

[Slide 18 transcript start.]

Eetu Mäkiniemi #32 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

23-24 season, has 3 shutouts with the Cuda in 18 GP. Put a second pin in that GP stat

With no goals allowed against as a relief goalie and a shutout after, has a shutout record of 109:45

Also has played a game for all of 2 minutes and 15 seconds before getting pulled. The San Jose Barracuda!

Are we ready to pull out all our pins?

Generally speaking, plagued by season-ending injury and illness

First season, the lower back surgery

Last season, season-ending hip surgery—his second major surgery in 14 months

As well as having issues with it in the preseason

At least he didn’t play through it this time

This season, mono and injury kept him out for long stretches

AND THEN HIS LOWER BACK AGAIN TO END THE SEASON EARLY.

WHAT will it take for a guy to have a full healthy season???

Doesn’t even qualify for RFA

In the 2023 offseason, signed a two-way RFA extension contract

Has not played in enough NHL games and therefore going into UFA this offseason in um. 24 hours at time of writing.

neonfretra: dramatic irony: (n.)  “a literary device by which the audience’s or reader’s understanding of events or individuals in a work surpasses that of its characters”

“(Mäkiniemi) said that his parents have a trip planned to San Jose in February. (...) It might be the first time that they see him play in North America: Makiniemi told San Jose Hockey Now that his parents came to Chicago while he played for the Wolves, but unfortunately for Eetu and his parents, he was injured during their visit." —San Jose Hockey Now in November 22. Good news, he does play 2023 Feb, 11. Bad news, that is the last game he plays that season. PUT THE MONKEY’S PAW AWAYYYYY

“After the injuries, you start to appreciate it even more when you’re actually healthy. (...) No hockey player wants to be in the stands and not with the team. It’s been a couple of tough years because of the injuries, but I’m just excited to get back to where I was.” —Eetu Mäkiniemi for AHL.com December 2023. He proceeds to get mono in January.

“It’s important to, first of all, stay healthy for the rest of the year and play as much as I can and show what I can do.” —Eetu Mäkiniemi for San Jose Hockey Now, March 2024 after recovering from mono. He plays 4 games in the month of March before ending the season due to back surgery.

“It was a tough time for me. I had problems with my lower back and needed surgery, but now I’m 100 percent and ready to go, so hopefully going to get in as many games as I can (this season).” —Eetu Mäkiniemi for San Jose Hockey Now, November 2022. Hip issues cause him to end the season in December.

Last updated: 2024 Jun 30

Slide 16: Robins, Wiesblatt, Cardwell, Svoboda

[Slide 16 transcript start.]

The other guys! (pt 3.) Me When I Lie About Making Cuda Slides [NOTE: Larger title text.]

A few of the more fringe prospects but EYE (puckpocketed) care them

Tristen Robins #52 (C/RW)

drafted 2020 round 2, 56th overall by Sharks

Played with the Cuda for most of 2022-23

Due to trades and injuries (healthiest team ever <3), played 3 games with the Sharks end of 22-23! Registered 0 points, but actually played pretty well coming out with a 0 +/-!

CURSED WITH INJURY this season when he was poised to take on a huge role in the Cuda… god please stop beating the shit out of our girls???

Got into a FIGHT with MUSTY?? during the rookie face-off tournament… His quote makes it sound like an accident?? “I had no intention of getting into a fight. I really just wanted to go over to Musty and give him a high five. You always have to be ready to answer the bell.” 

puckpocketed: good for him for honouring the code or w/e but he makes it sound like he had no idea there was even a chance there’d be a fight… girl you didn’t realise the other guy was HOOTING mad? Mad enough to fight you?? me when i’m moisturised, unbothered and flourishing <33

Ozzy Wiesblatt #89 (C)

drafted 2020 round 1, 31st overall by Sharks

Mar 16, on loan to the Admirals for playoff experience

JUN 23 UPDATE: WAKE UP BABE. WE TRADED HIM TO THE ADMIRALS.

Ethan Cardwell #56 (RW)

drafted 2021 round 4, 121st overall by Sharks

2020 Nov 2, started hockey podcast Showbound with Michael Raskin, who is Brock University’s team manager at age 25???? 

Cuda rookie of the YEAR!!!

Brandon Svoboda #23 (C/RW)

drafted 2023 round 3, 71st overall by Sharks

won the Clark Cup with the Force (USHL) this season!

his second cup in two seasons; won the Clark Cup with the Phantoms last season

after trade to Force, moved from center to right wing

scouts are salivating over the fact that he’s a SPEEDY big boy (6’3, 212 lbs)

headed for Boston University next season! Boston girls stick together

Last updated: 2024 Jun 23

Slide 15: Halttunen, Furlong, Pohlkamp, Hävelid

[Slide 15 transcript start.]

The other guys! (pt 2.) [NOTE: Larger title text.]

(these guys were all at world juniors!!)

puckpocketed: made this slide after i realised those 4 out of those 6 WJC prospects alluded to were in fact not listed <3 PRIMER DEVIL TAKE THE WHEEL

Kasper Halttunen #12 (RW)

puckpocketed: on a podcast he was compared to peak Mike Hoffman… idk what to think of this, i kind of just glitched out when I heard it… the spectre of Mike Hoffman haunts this Sharks primer…

2nd round draft pick by Sharks in 2023, 36th overall

the fellas call him Ghost, Kasper.

plays for the London Knights (OHL) <- nepobaby team, well-funded, pumps out NHL players like crazyyy

Captained team Finland at WJC! <3

Part of the GMMG Big Boy Agenda; described as a power forward. He’s big, he lays out hits, he has a bomb of a shot. Projected bottom-6, power play specialist. NHL caliber shooter/finisher.

His comments on other players instagrams are always funny as hell (see Musty section)

he like to squeeze the shit out of small guys who are his boybesties (see: denver barkey)

Jake Furlong #43 (D)

5th round draft pick by Sharks in 2022, 140th overall

captains the Halifax Mooseheads (QMJHL)

Not flashy at all, not very notable, but during WJC found himself third overall in ice time for team Canada.

Big Boy, plays VERY physical game.

Defensive defenseman… lines up with GMMG’s agendas… what are we cooking here...

Getting shoulder surgery — his season is over, but likely we see him next season in San Jose (cuda or sharks? hmmm)

Eric Pohlkamp #23 (D)

5th round draft pick by Sharks in 2023, 132nd overall — this was his second eligible year!! He went undrafted during his first.

plays for Bemidji State University Beavers (NCAA)

Plays aggressively and with physicality, and has a very heavy shot — are we sensing a theme here

puckpocketed: *pats SJS like an motor vehicle with a hatchback* this baby can hold SO many prospect .

Mattias Hävelid #4 (D)

2nd round draft pick by Sharks in 2022, 45th overall

plays for Linköping HC (SHL)

His dad was NHL player Niclas Hävelid!

Excellent passer, pretty good puck-mover!

The streets are saying his wrist shot is insane? He aims for tip-ins/redirects seemingly on purpose, always shoots toward teammates hips and calves.

Last updated: 2024 Mar 28

Slide 14: Musty, Bystedt, Lund

[Slide 14 transcript start.]

The other guys! [NOTE: Larger title text.]

(we don’t hear about these ones too much rn but they do get buzz in scouting reports)

Quentin Musty (LW) #27

1st round draft pick by Sharks in 2023, 26th overall

Signed ELC with the Sharks 2023 Oct 4

Plays with Sudbury Wolves (OHL), assigned shortly after playing 1 pre-season game with the Sharks

SAID IN INTERVIEW HE MODELS HIS GAME AFTER THE TKACHUKS????

puckpocketed: HELP???

Big shooter. Lots of shot variety — can toe drag, fake, slap shot. Your classic power forward big boy semi-goon

has ONE shoulder made of glass!! Growth plate injury, dislocation, and torn labrum in his left shoulder. Video game weak spot…

Didn’t make World Juniors 2023

Currently on pace for… jesus christ nearly 2 points per game??

the Wolves social media guy posts this unhinged celebration graphic whenever he scores.

Horrifying yet compelling: whenever the Wolves play at home and score, a taxidermied wolf hung from the ceiling is winched across the arena via a system of pulleys.

Musty: “I love it.”

“When you give Musty an open shooting lane, he will burn you.” — Josh Tessler for Smaht Scouting

A selection of comments on Musty’s instagram from other players/prospects:

Instagram comment by Will Smith [@_willsmith2] that says: "Ewww"

Instagram comment by Kasper Halttunen [@kasperhalttunen] that says: "birthdayqueen"

Instagram comment by Thomas Bordeleau [@thombordeleau_] that says: "Bag"

Instagram comment by Kasper Halttunen [@kasperhalttunen] that says: "u owe me a dinner bro"

Instagram comment by Gabe Perreault [@gabeperreault44] that says: "Congrats boss! Unlimited nuggets and big macs now" followed by three emojis of a face sticking out its tongue

Filip Bystedt (C) #25

1st round draft pick by Sharks in 2022, 27th overall

Plays with Linköping HC (SHL)

Add another tally to GMMG Big Boy club he’s 6’4

Uh Oh! Draft steal? Fraud? Who Knows!! Did well in his D+1 year in the SHL, but this year he’s dropped off a cliff.

Looking to become a defensive center, middle-6!

This isn’t to say he’s bad, in fact he’s projected to make the NHL by next season! Just, not in the capacity first hoped for.

Signed to the Cuda as of Apr 2!!

Cam Lund (F) #12

2nd round draft pick by Sharks in 2022, 34th overall

Plays with Northeastern Huskies Men’s Ice Hockey (NCAA)

“It’s been a quietly solid sophomore campaign for Lund at Northeastern, where he is producing around the benchmark point-per-game rate despite getting virtually no help from a very poor team.” — Lakshaya Jain for Fear the Fin

puckpocketed: Trapped on a flop team… oh sweet prince. Get ready for more of that LMAO

we are collecting every -lund in the league and he will be our crown jewel. The One Lund.

oensible: once we get a 5th -lund to form our sharks voltron its OVER for the nhl

Last updated: 2024 Jun 1

Slide 12: Luca Cagnoni #73

[Slide 12 transcript start.]

Luca Cagnoni (D) #73 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

puckpocketed: I lied. FULL LUCA SLIDE INCOMING <3

puckpocketed:

short king!!!! Pronounced can-nyoni. nya… like a cat!! :3 i am very eeby as of typing this LUCA CATNYONI <3

introduces himself as “Lou”, fellas call him “Cags”

4th round draft pick by Sharks in 2023, 123rd overall

Plays with Portland Winterhawks (WHL)

[Image description: Picture of the top of the WHL defencemen stats. Luca Cagnoni is leading with 90 points in 65 games. End of image description.] puckpocketed: Ending his season at 90 points in 65 GP, he leads all WHL defencemen! he is the first WHL defenceman to hit 90pts in 30 years <3 Note the SOG compared to the guy right behind him — Luca is a volume shooter, if he has the puck he's GOING for it, and he’s generating shot opportunities out of nothing

Was not drafted into the WHL. Winterhawks GM Mike Johnston sent scouts out to check for prospects missed at the draft. they all started yapping about this one kid — amazing wheels, very smart. But. Small. Especially for a d-man (sources vary but Cagnoni himself says he was 5’2 at the time)

Johnston shortlists him for the Winterhawks’ list of players rights they’d like to reserve after watching a single game.

he gets invited to a morning skate. They decide to sign him after 30 minutes.

People keep talking smack abt his height (5’9)... literally not even short help

puckpocketed: 5’10 as of writing this!

“Wow, this guy is very interesting when you look at the skills, but he is tiny, tiny, tiny.” — Mike Johnston roasting our girl. The Athletic 

Minute muncher for the Winterhawks, somehow?? Led the team in ice time… he is so leetle….

Models his game after Quinn Hughes and Samuel Girard (TWO OTHER SHORT KINGS!!)

Elite hockey IQ, great skating, but lack of physical presence combines for thee most confusing draft profile you’ve ever seen. Scouts had him going in either 1st or 2nd round. Somehow, we got him in the 4th.

puckpocketed: THE SHARKS GOT A DRAFT STEAL!!! YEEHAW

SLIPPERY! Has to be, on account of being so small!

“...he kind of just leverages his crazy mobility to escape forechecking pressure, and once he gets rolling he beats F1 super easily with [stick] handles and edge blending [...] it’s kind of hilarious at the WHL level, players will fly at him with poke checks and he just sidesteps them, makes them look silly.” — Daniel Gee for Locked on Sharks

His offensive game, he says, links back to coming up as a forward in minor hockey. He didn’t make the move to defence until a spring hockey coach asked him to try it for a game. He scored a hat trick, and the coach said “You’re staying on D for the rest of the season.” — Scott Wheeler paraphrasing Luca for The Atheltic (all but confirming that DQ’s Positionless Hockey Agenda is REAL and that’s why Cagnoni got drafted despite his Short King status) 

“People were always doubting me because of my size and the way I play, but I mean that’s just been a huge part of my life, always playing with a chip on my shoulder every game and just showing every team wrong that ‘You passed up on something.’ That’s my biggest thing that I go into every game with.” — Luca talking about the WHL passing on him at the draft and BLASTING ALL HIS HATERS   

puckpocketed: Help i am so endeared?? Lmao?? 

a fun missed connection for Kraken girlies: the pick that got us Cagnoni belonged to Seattle! We got it in exchange for Jaycob Megna.

His goal song: Barbie Girl???

ATTEMPTED A MICHIGAN LOL??

ALSO A CHIPOTLE LOVER!! Ekky square UP

Confirmed Taylor Swift & Olivia Rodrigo guy

puckpocketed: if he cracks the roster we may have a new voice influencing the locker room win songs….

Last updated: 2024 Mar 27

[Slide 12 transcript end.]

Slide 13: Luca Cagnoni #73 — narrative/pictures

[Slide 13 transcript start.]

[Figure 1 image description: Luca Cagnoni gives a thumbs up while wearing his helmet backwards. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: idk what the lore is but he wears his helmet backwards when something cool has happened??? Idk idk…. Compels me tho. Twitter/X

[Figure 2 image description: Close up of Cagnoni's face. He is wearing his helmet backwards. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: Exhibit B. right after the Winterhawks make playoffs! he’s also the only player on the Winterhawks who gets to just grab the phone of the socials guy and yell directly into the camera?? He does this a LOT. Tiktok

[Figure 3 image description: Luca Cagnoni arrives for a game wearing a big dark brown overcoat and pants with a dark green grid pattern. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3: Immaculate taste in pants Twitter/X

[Figure 4 image description: Luca Cagnoni talking into a tiny mic, captioned, "Luca Cagnoni: has no resolutions". Figure 4 image description end.] Fig. 4: When asked about NY resolutions: “oh yeah I’m pretty perfect 🥰” Tiktok

puckpocketed:

Okay I said to myself I wouldn’t write narrative about him but I lied <3 ahaha!! NARRATIVE BITE: If he was 2 inches taller he’d have been a first round pick, no questions asked. Some even say top 10. It’s hard to articulate, but reading his scouting reports and watching him play was surreal — he was widely acknowledged as one of thee smartest players in his draft year; he has the raw talent (skating, shot, stick handling, passing), and he works hard. In another life where he’s 6ft, he’s a media darling. He’s some other team’s golden goose, their prized prospect. That is not this life. In this life, there is the assumption that his skill won’t translate on NHL ice. We’ve heard his story before: he dominates in juniors, makes waves in every league right up until he hits the Big one — only to flame out and bounce between leagues; not good enough for one, too good for the others. There are always, quite literally, bigger fish. I want so, so badly for all of them to be wrong. 

Last updated: 2024 Mar 16

Slide 10: Danil Gushchin #75

[Slide 10 transcript start.]

Danil Gushchin #75 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

WUH OH! WE FORGOT HIM! TURN THE CAR AROUNF

Winger on the…?

Team Left: Cuda (shoots right), NHL (shoots left), The Mercury News (see caption)

Team Right: ESPN, Fear the Fin, The Athletic, Wikipedia, Dobber Prospects

puckpocketed: taking this as confirmation that he dual wields <3

Watching him play, he looks to shoot left. Plays both wings possibly? It’s like they don’t even see him play

Also known as Goosh or Gush

Goes 32 points in 30 GP through 2018 World Juniors Championship, 2019 World Hockey Cup U17, 2020 World Juniors

Plagued with being the tiniest guy in the world at 5’8 at 16

At one point was The Guy while he played for the Muskegon Lumberjacks. Lot of scouts said he got a bit um. greedy with the puck due to the relative lack of talent around him. Upside is: he has lots of experience playing for the worst most cringefail team in the league !!!

Apparently GM Joey Burke of IceDogs fame (OHL) wanted this guy so bad you dont even know

Not to be confused with Fairbanks Ice Dogs (NAHL)

He was IceDogs’ first liner, PP, AND PK … I know where we seeing him on the Sharks LMAO (the specialty teams.)

It comes up a lot that he’s sooo coachable. Guy who listens and then follows up on it  (x, x)

“He certainly has the talent to not only kick start a rebuild, but really improve a team and forgo the transition period you find with a lot of these guys. He certainly has the ability to make an impact immediately.” — Joey Burke for BPSN

neonfretra: GMJB I have never wanted someone to be right more in my life.

puckpocketed: WE ARE SO SORRY WE FORGOT U GOOSH. MY BEAUTIFUL FLASHY PLAYER WHO IS RUINING THE INTEGRITY OF HOCKEY (complimentary). I HOPE WHEN U COME TO THE NHL U DO 100 MICHIGANS AND KILL TORTORELLA ON IMPACT

[Figure 1 image description: Youtube thumbnail that says "OHL Play of the Night" in all caps. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: Nastiest goal I’ve seen in my life. Hello sir

puckpocketed: if anyone knows me then they know I’m a sucker for players with good hands and BOY DOES HE HAVE THEM!! Goosh my beloved

[Figure 2 image description: Danil Gushchin #66 of the Niagara IceDogs waits for a face-off against the Oshawa Generals at Tribute Communities Centre on October 22, 2021 in Oshawa, Ontario. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: iceDog. blue mouthguard with an itty bitty gap for his missing tooth Chris Tanouye/Getty Images

Last updated: 2024 Mar 16

[Slide 10 transcript end.]

Slide 11: Danil Gushchin #75

[Slide 11 transcript start.]

Danil Gushchin [NOTE: Larger title text.]

3rd round pick by Sharks in 2020, 76th overall

Plays for the Cuda!

Our first 2024 ASG All-Star—NVM HEALTHIEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE

HE’S WEEK TO WEEK

2023 Apr 1 | SJS @ ARI: NHL debut!

Scores a goal!!

Funniest girl in the world, what do you mean he goes for the 5-hole

2023 Nov 14: gets called up again!

Duke was out on injury HELP

Guess who’s on the second PP unit!

2023 Nov 20: gets sent back down—turns out our 3-14-1 season is no place for a growing boy

DQ calls him teensy tiny and so pocket-sized, he measures 5’10.

Gets called up for the last two games of the season alongside a handful of other Cudas. Scored on the Oilers! Also lost both games in a cruel fashion but at least he has that!

[Figure 1 image description: Youtube thumbnail of Danil Gushchin being interviewed in the locker room. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: (left) He also has an interview with just the worst audio quality ever. Official Sharks channel btw

[Figure 2 image description: Youtube thumbnail graphic for 2023 Nov 14 Panthers @ Sharks Sportsnet highlights video. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: Sharks–Panthers game highlights

[Figure 3 image description: The San Jose Barracuda host a game against the Tucson Roadrunners at Tech CU Arena on March 23, 2024 in San Jose, California. Danil Gushchin, Brandon Coe, and Nikolai Knyzhov celebrate a goal. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3: HE IS ITTY BITTY!!!! Left to right: Danil Gushchin (#75), Brandon Coe (#70), Nikolai Knyzhov (#71) (Andreea Cardani/SJ Barracuda) puckpocketed: He’s 3 thimbles tall <3

“The homer in me cannot be stopped when it comes to this player. He just has an "it" factor to him when he's on his game that is hard to ignore, and hard to find among the Sharks prospect system." — Half-wall Hockey

puckpocketed: OUR IT GIRL!! WOW <3

Last updated: 2024 Mar 28

Slide 8: Jack Studnicka #16

[Slide 8 transcript start.]

Jack Studnicka #16 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

puckpocketed: We call him Dave <3 (credit to an exchange between the primer triumvirate, he’ll be Dave in my heart forever)

center (I FORGOR HIM…..)

Also known as Studs

2nd round draft by Bruins in 2017, 53rd overall

2019 Sept 25 | NJD @ BOS: wdym scored a goal off his face do you know how fast pucks go his FACE??? (this was his single (1) goal with them by the way)

Mackenzie Blackwood (current Sharks goalie) was in net that night!

Struggled with confidence in the 2021–22 season, spent a lot of time in the minors

Kinda flopped which was not great for the Bruins considering they wanted to develop him into a top 3 to fill in for their aging centers when the time comes

The 2022–23 season is here! Time for a fresh start—oh nevermind he got scratched the first 4 games and then flopped so hard he got traded after that. TO US!

“Certainly. Yeah, yeah, yep. Absolutely,” Studnicka said when asked if he was afraid of making mistakes last season. “I’d play good games. Then I’d make a mistake. All I could think about after the game was the one mistake rather than the good plays. When you’re focusing on one bad play or two bad plays, you forget the good things you did to contribute. It’s tough.” —The Athletic  

[Figure 1 image description: Jack Studnicka skating in Bruins jersey and gear. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: as a Bruin Twitter

[Figure 2 image description: Jack Studnicka #18 of the Vancouver Canucks celebrates his goal with teammates during the first period against the Florida Panthers at the FLA Live Arena on January 14, 2023 in Sunrise, Florida. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: celebrating a goal on 2023 Jan 14 (Photo: Eliot J. Schechter/NHLI via Getty Images) also played with Kyle Burroughs while a Canuck. they both like golf

[Figure 3 image description: Jack Studnicka in Sharks teal jersey and gear getting pressed against the boards by the Red Wings' Alex DeBrincat. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3: trying his best! (Photo: Hockey Shots/Dean Tait)

Last updated: 2024 Mar 10

[Slide 8 transcript end.]

Slide 9: Jack Studnicka #16

[Slide 9 transcript start.]

Jack Studnicka #16 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Traded to Canucks 2022 Oct 27

Fought for his LIFE for ice time—Canucks had a lot of strong centers and right wingers that season (the inverse problem to us this season)

Average across the board, according to The Hockey Writers he’s a use-if- every-qualified-option-exploded player (oensible: and all our centers keep exploding)

Traded to Sharks 2023 Dec 15

Filled in for Nico Sturm (on IR) HEALTHIEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE!!!

Claimed that he is not a Swiftie

HOWEVER, he studied her discography to prepare to see her 2023 summer show in Michigan with his girlfriend (who is a Swiftie). An admirable endeavour…!

Played with the Sharks from after the trade until early January

Sent down to the Cuda currently (didn’t play him longer than 9 NHL games so they could send him down to develop without risking someone grabbing him off waivers)

David Quinn talks about wishing to see him on the PK

Like it or not, if we have a player you WILL see them on the PK/PP

Says he wants to become more defensive and physical in his play

…which involves developing his defensive ability on the PK. I guess there IS a reason to it!

He got a 2nd shot at the NHL for the last few weeks of the season where he centered their fourth line and then didn’t do that much <3 he has zero points as a shark (he did score 6g 8a in 27 games as a cuda, though)

He did get 15 hits in the 8 games he played in April, as opposed to 13 in the first 9, so I guess he did step the physicality up a little bit!

Unfortunately it looks like he’s not going to be getting a qualifying offer for next season, as per Sheng Peng’s nebulous sources.

oensible: Goodbye Dave, we hardly got to know you but hopefully you can find your way in the league elsewhere…. <3

[Figure 1 image description: Jack Studnicka stands in the Sharks locker room. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: from his welcome post on the Sharks’ Twitter

[Figure 2 image description: The San Jose Barracuda host a game against the Coachella Valley Firebirds at Tech CU Arena on March 2, 2024 in San Jose, California. Jack Studnicka is wearing a purple jersey with a logo of the head of an orange tiger shaped like a goalie mask. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: (left) in the Cuda’s gorgeous Tigres Del Mar jersey Andreea Cardani/San Jose Barracuda

[Figure 3 image description: Jack Studnicka on the ice at a Sharks' pregame warmup. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3: (right) April call-up SJS/Twitter

Last updated: 2024 Jun 30

Slide 5: Shakir Mukhamadullin #85

[Slide 5 transcript start.]

Shakir Mukhamadullin #85 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Defense, Shoots L

used to be a centreman??

1st round, 20th draft pick by the New Jersey Devils in 2020, 20th overall

has a lot of nicknames good heavens: Muk/Mukh, Shak, Baby Shak

[Figure 1 image description: I asked a San Jose Sharks player on Friday, “Another guy that’s in your group, you haven’t played with him so much, is Mukhamadullin. What do you see from him?” “Who?” a genuinely mystified Jan Rutta, who’s been in a training camp group with Mukahamadullin [sic] all week, wondered. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: Quote from this article that had me (neonfretra) screaming.

puckpocketed: I call him Baby Sha(r)kir sometimes <3 but Shak works too

(“Mukhamadullin” is 13 characters and this article says custom jerseys have a 12-character limit RIP to Shak fans

neonfretra: He has suffered more than Jesus on the cross. You can fit “Jesus Christ” on a custom jersey. Btw. Sorry Shakir Mukhamadullin </3

oensible: BRING US JERSEY MANUFACTURERS THAT WILL TREAT HIM RIGHT PLEASE <3

Acquired in the Devils/Sharks Wife Swap Trade (see trade slide)

He’s also YUGE (6ft 4) — GM Mike Grier and his preoccupation with acquiring Big Boys.

Well-rounded game (for a prospect) WILL shoot the puck, also capable on defense, “Unlike Okhotiuk […] Mukhamadullin has the skill set to play defense and drive the offensive play.” - Erika Towne for Fear the Fin (RIP Okhotiuk our beautiful puck-giving philanthropist)

oensible: Okhie catching strays </3 deservedly? maybe <3 but we love him anyways <333

puckpocketed: STOP TRYING TO PIT TWO BAD BITCHES AGAINST EACH OTHER!!!!

[Figure 2 image description: Nikita Okhotiuk, who came to San Jose with him in the Meier trade, has been one of his closest friends and a built-in English tutor as Mukhamadullin adjusts to life in North America. “He’s my brother here,” Mukhamadullin said with a chuckle. “It’s fun. I called him right away when I told him I got the news that I was coming. We talk about America, American hockey, he gives me some life advice. He’s just saved me.” Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: Shak talks about life in NA. San Jose Hockey Now

[Figure 3 image description: Close up shot of Shakir Mukhamadullin on the ice, wearing a Sharks jersey with no helmet on. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3: this is the roundest and babiest he has ever looked. TEEF! Sport 24

Last updated: 2024 Feb 24

[Slide 5 transcript end.]

Slide 6: Shakir Mukhamadullin #85 – callup

[Slide 6 transcript start.]

Shakir Mukhamadullin #85 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Defense, Shoots L- Failure a familiar foe: “In Vladivostok, immediately after the final siren and the end of Salavat’s disastrous series with Admiral (2–4), Mukhamadullin could not contain his emotions and shed tears.” Metallurg (trans. Google)

“The first days were so difficult. Gradually the understanding came that we had been eliminated. I was worried, but life goes on.” — Shak on overcoming the loss. Alexey Goryunov interviewing for Sobkor Ufa (trans. Google)

Leaves for the US shortly after this to join SJ Barracuda!

The Call-Up Arc

2024 Jan 24: Shak gets his call up after playing half a season with the SJ Barracuda. Almost eats shit on his rookie lap

It’s in the wake of a lot of Sharks’s dmen injured. Healthiest team in the league!

MUKHAMADULLIN IS WEEK TO WEEK CURRENTLY????

2024 Jan. 27 | BUF @ SJS | 5-2 loss: his NHL debut!

neonfretra: WE FUMBLE A 2 GOAL LEAD

neonfretra: 5 UNANSWERED GOALS

2024 Feb 1: he gets sent down to the Cuda to represent us in the 2024 ASG

He’s staying with the Cuda, with hope of developing his game more

[Figure 1 image description: Quinn was excited about the Bouwmeester comp. The 17-year NHL veteran, a true two-way force, topped double-digit goals three times, was a special teams staple, and played 1,240 regular season games, averaging 24:04 a night. “Shak may skate a little better than Bouwmeester,” Quinn added. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: DQ, the Sharks’ biggest cheerleader, continues throwing down with other hockey talents — San Jose Hockey Now.

[Figure 2 image description: Shakir Mukhamadullin in Salavat Yulaev Ufa gear, smiling at a teammate. He has a missing tooth and a very pointy tooth next to it in his upper jaw. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig 2: LOOK AT HIS SINGULAR TOOF… Metallurg (Photo: hcsalavat.ru)

[Figure 3 image description: Shakir Mukhamadullin standing in a locker room, wearing a Salavat Yulaev Ufa jersey and a hat with a thick golden brown fur exterior and small green point on top. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3: silly guy and his silly hat!! Sobkor Ufa  

Last updated: 2024 Feb 24

[Slide 6 transcript end.]

Slide 7: Shakir Mukhamadullin #85 – AHL All-Star

[Slide 7 transcript start.]

Shakir Mukhamadullin #85 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

The 2024 AHL ASG Arc

Added to the AHL ASG Pacific Division Team, joining fellow Cuda Danil Gushchin!

…NVM healthiest team in the league applies to the Cuda too, Gushchin gets replaced by Josh Doan from the Tucson Roadrunners (read: NOT A CUDA)

Cuda play in Abbotsford the day before ASG Skills Comp, he leaves early to make to fly back to San Jose

Simple, right?

WRONG. LOCAL EMERGENCY LEVEL 4 STORM.

He makes it in time for the last event, the Breakaway Relay

He misses Hardest Shot :(

Proceeds to pull an all nighter???

also cooks steak dinners for the other Russian AHLers in town for the ASG

Pacific Division wins ASG Challenge :)

[Figure 1 image description: Youtube thumbnail of Shakir Mukhamadullin at the AHL All Star skills competition. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: Arriving at Tech CU Arena in the last 30 min of the skills comp. That’s our Cinderella!

[Figure 2 image description: Youtube thumbnail of the Pacific division team at the AHL All Star Game celebrating a goal. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: Our Baby Sha(r)kir gets a goal in an ASG challenge game!

[Figure 3 image description: Shakir Mukhamadullin wearing a teal AHL all-star jersey. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3: (right) Nothing to say here except i like his teef !! <3 San Jose Hockey Now (Photo: Hockey Shots/Dean Tait)

Last updated: 2024 Feb 24

Slide 1: Prospects overview

[Slide 1 transcript start.]

Our Prospects! [NOTE: Larger title text.]

The Sharks had like 6 prospects at world juniors and we know this because they were all we had to look forward to whilst deep in the pit of our (second) loss streak <3

THE BIG THREE (puckpocketed: TURN THE CAR AROUND TURN IT AROUND) FANTASTIC FOUR  (AKA the ones we have intel on)

Will Smith #6

Thomas Bordeleau #17 (see forwards section)

Shakir Mukhamadullin #85

Jack Studnicka #16 (not re-signing)

Danil Gushchin #75

-

Luca Cagnoni #73

puckpocketed: Hi i lied about doing short slides for all the other guys <3 found a lot of Cagnoni material yayyyy

Quentin Musty #27

Filip Bystedt #25

Cam Lund #12

Kasper Halttunen #12

Jake Furlong #43

Eric Pohlkamp #23

Mattias Hävelid #4

Tristen Robins #52

Ozzy Wiesblatt #89 (traded)

Ethan Cardwell #56

Brandon Svoboda #23

Eetu Mäkiniemi #32 (not re-signing)

Last updated: 2024 Feb 27

[Slide 1 transcript end.]

Slide 2: Will Smith #6

[Slide 2 transcript start.]

Will Smith #6(for now) [NOTE: Larger title text.]

center 

Thee Sharks Prospect. You’ll hear a lot about him in media.

1st round draft pick by Sharks in 2023, 4th overall

People were upset about this because they wanted Matvei Michkov (went 7th to the Flyers)

Played for Boston College Eagles (NCAA)

In an interview with San Jose Hockey Now Podcast, revealed that he prefers to wear #2 and will go back to it at the first opportunity.

Known as Wet Willy. Together with Ekky, AKA Slippery Pete, they make up the iconic Sharks sub-unit The Wet Bandits (not really but like. come on!!!)

The boys call him Smitty and the media have latched onto The Fresh Prince of San Jose (although… in that same interview, does mention that one of his grandfathers used to call him Wild Willy)

puckpocketed: We already have a smitty so I propose that we call him Smitty the Younger and our other guy can be Smitty the Elder

Tied with Jack Hughes for US record in a single U-18 Worlds tournament - 9-11-20! <3

describes himself as a playmaker.

described by scouts as deceptive and attention-grabbing with his plays — loves to use head/shoulder/eye fakes and then pass to his wide open snipers <3

puckpocketed: ngl that’s cool as FUCK

puckpocketed: Heard on podcast that Smitty is the KING of sticklifts. So watch out for that when he turns up <3

wants to be a 200-foot centerman, grew up admiring Patrice Bergeron!!

listen we aren’t saying he’s gonna be the second-coming of Joe Thornton (though others have), but he just SMOKED the Hockey East finals with a DICKTRICK and 1 assist YEEHAWW <3

it remains unclear if we’ll see him with the Sharks next season. There are concerns with his compete levels, his lack of willingness to get physical, and his physical development. The debate rages on! 

puckpocketed: my money is on 1 more NCAA season (the sharks suck rn) OR some time with the Cuda and then coming up to the Sharks in time to be joined by a bunch of other prospects.

puckpocketed: A warning for the next slide: it’s gonna be me Sadposting about our Fresh Prince and his boybestfriends <3

[1st image description: Tweet by SnipeCity420 that says: "Not a lot of #SJSharks fans know this, but Will Smith’s nickname is actually “Wet Willy”. #WorldJuniors". With an attached image of a promotional graphic of Team USA for WJC 2024 prominently featuring Will Smith among his other teammates. End 1st image description.] [2nd image description: Tweet by SnipeCity420 that says: "We already named the Eklund & Smith duo the #WetBandits, merch is already on its way to the Sharks store, Jon!" With a picture of a model wearing a Sharks baseball cap and a black tshirt with pictures of Will Smith and William Eklund edited into a wanted poster that refers to them as the "Wet Bandits". End 2nd image description.] Fig. 1: SnipeCity420, number 1 proponent of the Wet Willy moniker Twitter 1/Twitter 2

Last updated: 2024 Mar 14

[Slide 2 transcript end.]

Slide 3: BC Line

[Slide 3 transcript start.]

Will Smith and his boybestfriends, OR: The BC Line [NOTE: Larger title text.]

puckpocketed: or: I FEEL NORMAL ABOUT 34-6-9

Forever lineys with his friends Gabe Perreault and Ryan Leonard all through their years in the USNTDP, after which they also committed to BC together.

They’re so good and so inseparable that the people have dubbed them “The BC Line”.

puckpocketed: BC Freshman Line to some, BC Frosh line to ME

Together, they shared 178 points this season. In their final year in the NTDP, they shared 354.

Do you know how hard it is to find good detailed articles about just one of them, without either of the other two? Really hard. They are always, ALWAYS spoken of as a single unit.

Perfect, beautiful synergy. Where one of them is lacking, the others make up for his deficiencies.

Smith is 10 steps ahead of everyone on the ice, hockey IQ off the CHARTS, but lacks physicality to his play. He has an incredible shot but finding space can be difficult against bigger guys.

Smith is allowed to have these gaps because Leonard makes up for it. He is, “always playing playoffs hockey [...] that’s all he knows.” Leonard has the intangibles that coaches love to go on about. He’s the perfect finisher, a strong skater, and he uses the body to muscle his way through situations his linemates can’t.

Perreault matches them both: he is their connective tissue. He has elements of Smith’s IQ and playmaking and Leonard’s tenacity. His issues with shooting? They don’t matter. He has two incredible shooters on his line.

This has forced the conversation: how good are they without each other? And how has this bubble affected their development? You don’t need to become a well-rounded player when someone is always there doing it for you.

puckpocketed: do you ever just form a codependent hockey relationship with your boybestfriends ? <3  you guys don't understand . THEY’VE PLAYED TOGETHER FOR YEARS. THEY HAVE NOT PLAYED WITHOUT EACH OTHER FOR YEARS. It should be classified as a war crime against the Geneva Conventions to separate them. 

puckpocketed: NARRATIVE NIBBLE: The consequences of elevating each other’s abilities in a years-long feedback loop is… dooming themselves to being first-rounders. There was no chance for them to go to the same team. They have already been drafted — the tragedy of this narrative has already happened. They’re playing on borrowed time. As the NCAA winds down, any point they share may be their last. In the distance, permanent separation. Hanging over their futures is the question — Who are they without each other?

[Figure 1 image description: GIF of BC Eagles embracing on the ice after a goal. End figure 1 image description.] Fig. 1: during the 2024 Hockey East Finals vs BU. have you ever seen one heart in three bodies? This is it. btw. IF YOU EVEN CARE! puckpocketed: Gifed by ME on my puter <3

[Figure 2 image description: Will Smith, Gabe Perrault, and Ryan Leonard holding up the USA flag and an index finger to indicate that they have won gold with Team USA at the 2024 WJC. End figure 2 image description.] Fig. 2: WJC is where coaches ice their best possible lines from hand-picked skaters across the country. Despite the competition, they were too good to separate. Left to right: Will Smith, Gabe Perreault, Ryan Leonard  Instagram

Last updated: 2024 Mar 27

[Slide 3 transcript end.]

Slide 4: Will Smith #6 — photos

[Slide 4 transcript start.]

Will Smith #6 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

[Figure 1 image description: William Smith speaks to the media prior to the first round of the 2023 Upper Deck NHL Draft at Bridgestone Arena on June 28, 2023 in Nashville, Tennessee. End figure 1 image description.] Fig. 1: interviewing with ESPN (Photo: Jason Kempin/Getty Images)

“That’s just part of me. I love the big stage.” — The Fresh Prince himself via The Score 

[Figure 2 image description: Will Smith wearing a light teal three piece suit with a black dress shirt and tie. End figure 2 image description.] Fig. 2: Fresh Prince walk-in at BC Instagram

[Figure 3 image description: From left to right: Leo Carlsson, Connor Bedard, Will Smith, and Adam Fantilli, at the 2023 Stanley Cup finals. End figure 3 image description.] Fig. 3: the top 4 projected 2023 draft picks are corralled and sent to the Stanley Cup Finals. Our boy right there !! damn Bedard is LITTLE Youtube/NHL

[Figure 4 image description: USA's Will Smith (#6) celebrates scoring during the IIHF World Junior Championship ice hockey semifinal match between USA and Finland at Scandinavium in Gothenburg, Sweden January 4, 2024. End figure 4 image description.] Fig. 4: He’s YELLIN. He mouf OPEN!!!! RAAHH!! Alamy (Photo: TT News Agency) 

puckpocketed: Had something here about his media training but decided instead u all need to know they made him sing a few bars of the Fresh Prince theme on his draft day, which he did in an unbelievably lame manner. I know he’s got that blonde prettyboy thing going on but i think hes a lame-ass goober and everything he ever does just confirms this

“He lives for the pressure. He lives for the competition. He absolutely lives for all of that stuff.” — BC coach Mike Ayers via The Score

puckpocketed: He’s already bonded a little with another prospect last year at dev camp — Quentin Musty, who is of course whispered about as a possible Ryan Leonard replacement (SCREECH) and like angst about change aside… i think will smith should never be forced to go into a corner or along the boards for a puck battle ever <3 and if we can staple a power forward/goon to his wing who has some playmaking ability then i approve

Last updated: 2024 Mar 5

Slide 22: Georgi Romanov #31

[Slide 22 transcript start.]

Georgi Romanov #31 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

NOT ACQUIRED AT TRADE DEADLINE, just sorted here for the flow of the Sharks’ collective goalie narrative to flow better <3

Undrafted, signed to San Jose in summer 2023

Sharks goalie coach and tall girl whisperer Thomas Speer had his eye on him for 2 years

2021, when with Romanov was with the Avtomobilist (KHL) and Speers was with the Flames, talk of trade fell through due to Calgary taking too long + Avtomobilist already offered a contract

2023, Speers came to the Sharks and sold Evgeni Nabokov on Romanov

Learned about his job offer from the Sharks doomscrolling on his honeymoon?

one time he somehow yeeted his stick into the stratosphere into the gap between the netting and the top of the glass. just another one of god’s little jokes!

the only Shark goalie to have a SV% higher than .90 and a GAA lower than 3

Made his NHL debut in the SJS @ EDM Apr. 15 game

Mackenzie Blackwood was out in the final leg of the season, so he was backup to Cooley

McDavid scored his 100th assist of the season on him. average sharks rookie goalie experience

Another player we poached off the Cuda! (short term)

[Figure 1 image description: NHL.com Sharks goalie stats table. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1 (above): GIRL WHAT IS THIS!!! (Ignore Vítek Vaněček, he didn’t play any games for the Sharks this season. He was busy getting lit up in the Devils’ net instead) (sjsharks.com as of 18/4/24)

[Figure 2 image description: Selfie by Georgi Romanov. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: say cheeeeese Twitter

[Figure 3 image description: Series of six tweets by the SJ Barracuda about his getting sent back and forth between the Cuda and the Wichita Thunder during the 2023–24. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3: ping ponging Twitter

Last updated: 2024 May 28

Slide 11: Devin Cooley #1

[Slide 11 transcript start.]

Devin Cooley #1 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Received for… a 2025 7th round draft pick? Now what’s this, man…

Cools

Another big boy at 6’5—same as Chrona!

Started playing goalie age 6 (2nd year playing hockey)

Played for the Jr. Sharks from 2011-15

Undrafted, signed to Preds 2020 Sep 29

Signed to Sabres 2023 Jul 1

Traded to Sharks 23 Mar 8

Prior to Sharks, has never appeared in an NHL game

Not for long! The backup goalie for Chrona while Mackenzie Blackwood is injured and slated for a game Mar 17—oensible: update: it happened!

And the first Santa Clara County player to play for the Sharks (He’s from Los Gatos!)

oensible: Well. he’s probably gonna get some NHL time now considering we traded away our last healthy full-time NHL goalie!

puckpocketed: Mar 14: there is a b2b during this roadie. Devin Cooley is definitely starting at least ONCE in net. GODSPEED <3

puckpocketed: GUYS HE WAS A JUNIOR SHARK. WE CANNOT LET HIM GO. THIS IS HIS CHILDHOOD DREAM.!!!

puckpocketed: Takes psychic damage thinking about Jasper Weatherby. Gamergirl mike grier do not fuck this up PLEAXE

neonfretra: HE’S HEADED HOME!!!

“I would say aggressive,” Cooley said, describing his approach in-goal. “I’d say maybe a little bit too aggressive sometimes. But definitely using my size and my speed and my mobility are probably my strongest, best strengths. And, yeah, so I think my whole career it’s been trying to contain that a little bit and use that when I need to but also be calm and technical to make things a little bit more simple.” —Devin Cooley for Buffalo News 

puckpocketed: WHAT DOES THIS MEAN KING. ARE WE SEEING FACE OFF CIRCL SAVES AGAIN.

neonfretra: File him under goalies we should put in a jar and SHAKE 

puckpocketed: Update: No, he just thinks he should use less energy in saves.

[Figure 1 image description: Devin Cooley as a child being hugged by SJ Sharkie, who is holding him in his lap and chomping on his head. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1 (left): He attached baby photos with his trade announcement. (Instagram)

[Figure 2 image description: Devin Cooley as an adult being hugged by SJ Sharkie, who is holding him in his lap and chomping on his head. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2 (right): …and the recreation/reunion about a decade later! (Instagram)

Last updated: 2024 Mar 17

[Slide 11 transcript end.]

Slide 12: Devin Cooley #1 - boybestfriends

[Slide 12 transcript start.]

Devin Cooley and his boybestfriends [NOTE: Larger title text.]

oensible: Devin Cooley will see a goalie and go “is anyone going to make that guy his new bestie” and then not wait for an answer

Was in a goalie tandem with Joey Daccord (currently goalie of the Seattle Kraken) with Muskegon Lumberjacks for 2015-16

[Figure 1 image description: Table from HockeyDB showing the stats for Joey Daccord and Devin Cooley's goaltending tandem for the Muskegon Lumberjacks. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: (HockeyDB)

They’re also summer training partners!

Was in a goalie tandem with Magnus Chrona at University of Denver for the 2019-20 season

Three years Chrona’s senior then, was his mentor.

Currently a backup goalie to Chrona in the aftermath of the trade deadline (no)

Happy Mother’s Day to Sharks goalies’ den mother Mackenzie Blackwood though!

I’m not sure what’s happening with the current Sharks goalie situation but at least they get chariots

puckpocketed: I once remarked that i thought every boybestfried/goalie tandem/wife Devin has EVER had since Joey has been a rebound and i stand by this not bc i think its true. i just think its funny <3

“I’ve always been super close to my goalie partners,” Cooley said when asked about the relationship between goaltender teammates in general and himself and Askarov specifically. “I would say always they’re probably one of my closest friends on the team every year, dating back to youth hockey.” —Devin Cooley for Journal Sentinel

[Figure 2 image description: Joey Daccord in Coachella Valley Firebirds gear shaking hands with Devin Cooley in Milwaukee Admirals gear. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: Joey Daccord (#35, Firebirds) and Devin Cooley (#1, Admirals) after the Firebirds beat the Admirals in the 2023 AHL Western Conference Final (Instagram)

Last updated: 2024 Mar 18

[Slide 12 transcript end.]

Slide 13: Devin Cooley #1 - Milwaukee Admirals

[Slide 13 transcript start.]

Getting married on the Admirals [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Played in a goalie tandem with Yaroslav Askarov for Admirals (AHL) for 2022-23

Askarov leads rookie goaltenders in a bunch of stats: wins, saves, games played, time on ice, points

With 5 years on Askarov, Cooley continues to be the more experienced of the tandem

Both of them are described as absolute TWIGS btw

Language barrier; in the span of 7 months, Askarov is doing English interviews and Cooley is pretty sure “privet” is “hello or something”

Devin Cooley aggressive goaltending playstyle mention!

Plays higher in the crease with aim of decreasing shot angles

Heavily uses on his size and flexibility (and reflexes, though that’s one he’s trying to move away from)

"It is really almost like a Juuse Saros-Kevin Lankinen duo[…] It's a really good marriage for the two of them," Nichol said. "I think they've grown immensely because of it, and they push each other. I think all you want is internal competition.” —Admirals GM Scott Nichol in 2023 on their working together as a tandem

“He supports me, I support him. We have a good battle every practice, every game …” Askarov paused, spoke into his phone to use a translation app and then continued: “… and we grow together.” —Yaroslav Askarov in 2022 on their relationship

puckpocketed: Devin seeing a goalie partner: my wife?

[Figure 1 image description: Two pictures. 1st: Cooley and Askarov celebrating Cooley's win by leaping into the air to bump their hips together. 2nd: Cooley and Askarov celebrating Askarov's win by embracing. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: Yaroslav Askarov (#30) and Devin Cooley (#1) (Milwaukee Admirals/Twitter)

Last updated: 2024 Jun 24

[Slide 13 transcript end.]

Slide 14: Devin Cooley #1 - Rochester Americans

[Slide 14 transcript start.]

The Slug Saga [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Hit free agency for the first time leaving Nashville

“It’s all about the opportunity[…] Devin would like to be (the) No. 2 or 3 (goalie) in the system, not No. 4. Otherwise, (he) loves Nashville.” —his agent on his plans for his career

“For me as a free agent, (I’m) looking where the best opportunity is going to be for me to get to the NHL[…] we’re going to look at where we’ll have the best opportunity that gets the most amount of playing time and have the best opportunity to get to the NHL.” —Cools on his plans for his career after getting established as an AHL goalie. GOOD NEWS BUDDY!!

Pairs with Dustin Tokarski, who is 10 seasons his veteran

Struggled with getting out of his own head about succeeding (a recurring issue he experiences)

Also apparently no thanks to his team’s defense LOL

Got the infamous slug logo helmet (Amerks are the Sabres’ AHL affiliate) (see fig. 1)

Did not expect it to be so controversial or for his helmet artist to make it so big <3

Also got his first call-up to the NHL with the Sabres after all the other goalies ahead of him in their system exploded. Didn’t play, but that’s still pretty neat!

“I think every game I’m seeing a lot (of pucks) (...) I think my average shots on goal is like 37-38, something like that.” —Cooley for Rochester Americans

neonfretra: dramatic irony: (n.)  “a literary device by which the audience’s or reader’s understanding of events or individuals in a work surpasses that of its characters”

[Figure 1 image description: Devin Cooley's "Buffalo City Action" mask by DaveArt, which features a large Sabres' slug logo on each cheek. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1 (left): His “slug” design mask of much fan interest from the 23-24 season,, as designed by DaveArt. (Flickr)

[Figure 2 image description: The Buffalo Sabres' slug logo. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2 (below): Buffalo Sabres’ “slug“ logo. neonfretra: SLUG

oensible: LONG LIVE THE SLUG!!!

Last updated: 2024 Mar 18

[Slide 14 transcript end.]

Slide 15: Devin Cooley #1 - pictures

[Slide 15 transcript start.]

Devin Cooley #1: Picture slide! [NOTE: Larger title text.]

[Figure 1 image description: Close up shot of goaltender Devin Cooley. Figure 1 image description end.] [Figure 2 image description: Overhead photo of Devin Cooley in the Cali-Fin jersey. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 1-2: He had a Sharks mask (below) to go literally day after the trade. Still using Amerks (AHL) colored pads. He looks like a bug (right) I’m fond. WE TRADED OUR GOALIE WITH THE CUNTY PADS… (Twitter)

[Figure 2 image description: Cooley hugging SJ Sharkie in the hallway as Filip Zadina tries to walk around them. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2 (right): Peep the incredibly awkward Filip Zadina (#18) trying to squeeze past them LMAO. In the video, you can also see Klim Kostin (#10) beside him. (Twitter)

[Figure 3 image description: Devin Cooley having his picture taken in a Milwaukee Admirals jersey. He is wearing hockey shorts and goalie chest padding and tights that reveal that he has skinny legs. Next to it is an owl standing on a branch. A pair of hands are hoisting its body up to reveal that it has long, skinny legs. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3 (below): Twitter/X

Last updated: 2024 Mar 17

[Slide 15 transcript end.]

Slide 16: 2024 Mar 17

[Slide 16 transcript start.]

Devin Cooley #1: oh. [NOTE: Larger title text.]

WELCOME TO THE SHARK TANK, DEVIN COOLEY!

His family pulls up to the game, coming from California!

Our girls are so generous they make sure our ex-baby shark gets the full Shrockey (Sharks hockey) experience

He gets ready for the game using a VR headset. The future is NOW!!

Gives surprisingly in-depth answers in interviews?

Mar. 17 | SJS @ CHI | 2-5 loss

It’s Cooley’s NHL debut with his childhood home team+the second game of a back to back!

We open with 2 goals in first!

The second period is… a lot of turnovers!

Oh. Oh, no.

It’s a tie game, and it’s a one goal hole, and it’s a 2 goal lead fumbled, and it’s a 3 GOALS IN 92 SECONDS?

Two own goals in 11 seconds!

There’s 5 unanswered goals LMAO

We pull our goalie with 3 minutes left on the clock.

Andddddd the empty netter!

oensible: they busted out the three act narrative structure for this tragicomedy/game.

"He was really good the whole game. It's our fault. I feel pretty bad for him. We're gonna try to do our best for him next time. I think he kept us in the game." —Klim Kostin, post game. (Twitter)

[Figure 1 image description: Close up shot of goaltender Devin Cooley. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: He has a smiley face drawn on his stick! (Twitter)

[Figure 2 image description: Tweet by Darin Stephens [@SharksStats] at 5:43 PM on 2024 Mar 17 that says: "#SJSharks allow 3 goals in a 1:23 span (2 of those :11 apart). None were team records, but they have allowed goals less than 2 minutes apart 32 times this season, and one minute apart 16 times, both most in the NHL. #NHLStats #HockeyTwitter #SJSvsCHI". Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: The third act climax… Twitter/X

puckpocketed: CLUTCHING HIM TO MY CHEST. YOU CAN’T TAKE HIM FROM US HE’S OURS NOW .

Last updated: 2024 Mar 17

[Slide 16 transcript end.]

Slide 17: 2024 Mar 23

[Slide 17 transcript start.]

Devin Cooley #1: the spectre of the third period breakdown [NOTE: Larger title text.]

HE’S IN CHICAGO PURGATORY.

Will we ever win a game for him!

Will we stop FLOPPING IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY AND ALSO GOD!!!

Devin Cooley makes saves against Connor Bedard like he has a personal vendetta

He gets cut off mid-sentence in his post game interview! :(

As of this game he has a 4.62 GAA and .852 SV%

His GAA is better than Magnus Chrona (4.71) and SV% worse (.859). WHAT is happening with Sharks hockey.

Mar. 23 | CHI @ SJS | 5-4 OT loss

Blackwood activated off IR, Chrona sent to Cudas

His first home game!

We get a 4 goal lead!

Bordy on hatty watch!

Keebs on hatty watch!

A new career best of 20 goals!

WE PROCEED TO FUMBLE A 4 GOAL LEAD

Chicago pulls their goalie in the last minute twenty AND TIE THE GAME

WE GET SCORED ON 18 SECONDS INTO OT

Zetterlund goes 3 points and -4 point differential—a league third since 2001

"The guys weren't saying anything [after goals] just like little taps of encouragement (...) Blackwood, too; after every period, he was like a Good job. Good job. You're doing great. (...) I wish I could have been better for them tonight." — Devin Cooley during media availability, as quoted by Max Miller/Twitter

puckpocketed: The game tie-ing goal is off a very high danger rebound — devin stops the first one but the second one goes in. he is visibly devastated. Anyway how’s everyone going? glass crunches in my teeth.

[Figure 1 image description: Article thumbnails dated 3 months ago for San Jose Hockey Now. The more recent of the two is on top, and has the headline "Sharks Blow 4-0 Lead, Cooley Loses Home Debut in OT" with the excerpt "The San Jose Sharks welcome the Chicago Blackhawks into SAP Center. Thomas Bordeleau (twice) and Fabian Zetterlund (twice) scored, but Devin Cooley lost his Sharks home…" next to an image of Cooley entering the ice through the Shark Head. The bottom headline is "Ex-Jr. Shark Cooley Excited for His First Start at SAP Center" with the excerpt "What’s Devin Cooley most excited about tonight? The Los Gatos native and ex-Jr. Shark will be making his first start at SAP Center. Naturally, for the…" next to a picture of Devin Cooley walking from the locker room to the ice. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: i want off mr. bones wild ride (SJHN 1/SJHN 2)

[Figure 2 image description: 3 by 3 grid of images, mostly memes communicating distress and sadness. The top left is a teary-eyed dog. The top middle is a person with a tired expression who is smoking a cigarette with a cigarette tucked behind their ear and several cigarettes between their fingers. The top right is a person tucked in bed and staring at their phone with teary eyes. The middle left is a horse standing on a beach with the caption "MAN". The center image is the San Jose Sharks logo. The middle right is a round penguin with the caption "PAIN". The bottom left is a dog growling at a pile of cabbage. The bottom middle is a crying cat. The bottom right is a cartoon person lying in a puddle of their own tears. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: The moodboard of the night. (Tumblr)

Last updated: 2024 Mar 24

[Slide 17 transcript end.]

Slide 18: 2024 Apr 6

[Slide 18 transcript start.]

Devin Cooley #1: There is no future, there is no future, there is no fu [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Apr. 6 | STL @ SJS | 2-3 OT win

The Sharks swept the St. Louis Blues this season.

The first in a back to back!

Collin Graf has his NHL debut game!

Signed him two days prior straight out of NCAA

More on him later

Sharks open period one with. Um. 28 PIM

Kostin: 2 for boarding

Keebs: 2 for hooking

Addy: 24 minutes + an ejection for saying fuck!

Cross-checking

Unsportsmanlike conduct

Misconduct

Abuse of officials

WE WON A GAME FOR HIM!

This calls for a Cooley post game interview! Highlights such as:

His third period mantra was “There is no future, there is no future” and “don’t even think about it”

Sharks went into third period up 0-2, Blues tied it with three minutes on the clock

He was so excited about the GWG that he had his head up

And FLEW past Eklund going in for a hug (see right)

And almost fell hauling ass to join the hug pile

New bucket!

Granny gets 2 minutes for hooking… in OT.

We collect 42 PIM this game, 72 PIM between both teams

WILLIAM EKLUND SCORES THE GAME WINNING GOAL—CAREER FIRST HATTY ON HAT NIGHT

IT’S COOLEY’S FIRST NHL WIN!

HE’S SECOND STAR OF THE NIGHT

“And then we got the penalty in overtime and I’m like ‘not again,’ you know?” — Cooley for San Jose Hockey Now

[Figure 1 image description: Eklund and Kunin hugging. Cooley's blocker and stick are a blur at the very bottom of the image as he zooms past. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: (above) William Eklund (#72, back) celebrates his GWG. Luke Kunin (#11, in front) hugs him. Devin Cooley flies by them both so fast that the camera only captures his blocker and stick.

[Figure 2 image description: Cooley and Eklund holding the Any Boys win plate in the locker room. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: basking in their glory. They got the “Any Boys” win plate! San Jose Sharks/IG

Last updated: 2024 Apr 6

[Slide 18 transcript end.]

Slide 19: 2024 Apr 13

[Slide 19 transcript start.]

Devin Cooley #1: Nothing’s really gonna matter, we’re all gonna die! [NOTE: Larger title text.]

HIS FIRST REGULATION WIN!

His SV% went from .887 to .918 in just this game

And went from .852 to .887 the game before this…!

His new pads came in the game before this! He’s now all teal :)

I cannot stress how much I love when we get post-game interviews with him because he says some insane sentences (see below)

Apr. 11 | SJS @ SEA | 3-1 win

Somehow, he lost his stick three times tonight.

He makes 49 saves out of 50 SOG

A franchise record SOG for the Kraken!

Compare this to the Sharks. Um. 23 SOG night.

The Kraken were on track for a 64 SOG game. Know this.

"I look up, I'm like, Wow, a goal on 40 shots or whatever. I'm like, I feel good. It's just like, like nobody cares. You know, nothing's really gonna matter. we're all gonna die.” — Devin Cooley (@Real_Max_Miller/Twitter)

Figure 1 src [Figure 1 image description: See caption. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: Devin Cooley making a save on Brandon Tanev. Jan Rutta looks on

[Figure 2 image description: See caption. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: Devin Cooley in net against the Seattle Kraken San Jose Sharks/Twitter

[Figure 3 image description: Thumbnail of Youtube video in which Cooley is kneeling in front of a cage at San Jose Animal Care Center and smiling. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3: The next day the Sharks release an Off Days episode with him, Mackenzie Blackwood, and Kyle Burroughs where they go play with the animals at an animal care center. The vibes are GOOD

Last updated: 2024 Apr 13

[Slide 19 transcript end.]

Slide 20: 2024 Apr 15

[Slide 20 transcript start.]

Devin Cooley #1: DEAR LORD [NOTE: Larger title text.]

puckpocketed: Dipping in here to update everyone on what’s in the water in San Jose: it’s Thomas Speer our goalie coach lmao he seems to work quite well with the taller/faster athletic guys who need more discipline and structure to their game <3

puckpocketed: Devin does a whole interview with Locked on Sharks where he talks about Speersy! i will transcribe it at some point <3

I miss being happy

Does he know how close he was to a 10 goals against game… (probably!)

We emergency called up a handful of Cuda for this one (more on all of them later!):

Danil Guschin (forward)

Jack Thomson (defenseman)

Georgi Romanov (goalie)

On an unrelated note, we had 7 players out on injury in the last few games of the season

Cooley will go on to say that this game was absolute balls for his confidence in playing (Postgame interview Apr 18 which is NOT on the Sharks’ YouTube)

Apr. 15 | SJS @ EDM | 9-2 loss

Featuring Connor McDavid’s 99 assists

Full honesty we hoping REALLY hard that CMD does NOT get his 100th on Devin Cooley

And then the Oilers score 8 goals in 22 shots

Because love is dead, Connor McDavid scores the first goal

A whole .636 SV% for Cooley this game

We pull Cooley, Georgi Romanov makes his NHL debut!

CMD lands his 100th assist on Georgi Romanov

I hate this monkey’s paw.

Romanov makes 15 saves in 16 shots!

neonfretra: Confession: I’ve been responsible for a lot of the goalie slides (all game recaps, for one) and didn’t finish this slide or the next one the day of the game. I am looking through my old liveblogs for these games HELP.

[Figure 1 image description: Picture of a small cat standing in and eating from a massive open bag of cat food with the text “his monumental greed sickens me may god have mercy on his wretched soul” at the top of the picture. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: Connor McDavid on 2024 April 15, colorized (Image taken from this post but i have no idea if this is the original uploader)

Last updated: 2024 Jun 23

[Slide 20 transcript end.]

Slide 21: 2024 Apr 18

[Slide 21 transcript start.]

Devin Cooley #1: GEORGI ROMANOV TAKEOVER [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Devin Cooley starts a SECOND game in a row!

Devin Cooley also gets pulled and then they send out Georgi Romanov for a SECOND game in a row!

I hate this stupid as hell team

Incredibly, Devin Cooley is ending the season with a 4.98 GAA, highest of any San Jose goalie

AGAIN, I don’t really think stats are a complete representation of performance, ESPECIALLY for our goalies who haven’t even hit double digit games

HOWEVER. It’s really funny.

Will ANY of our goalies leave San Jose with normal stats?

Apr. 18 | SJS @ CGY | 5-1 loss

You know who’s on the Flames? THAT’S RIGHT!!! OHKIE TIME!!!

Sorry what? They scratched him?

He’s played 9 out of 20 Flames games since March 9, I’ll never feel joy again

Hey did you miss Georgi Romanov? HE’S BACK!

Cooley gets pulled after 5 goals in 23 shots

Romanov goes on to make 14 saves out of 14 shots on goal!

[Figure 1 image description: Cooley catching the puck as it pops up and out of play onto the Sharks bench. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: bench glove save!!!! 

[Figure 2 image description: Calgary Flames Right Wing Blake Coleman (20) celebrates a goal with Calgary Flames Center Connor Zary (47) behind Devin Cooley as he looks away during the first period of an NHL game between the Calgary Flames and the San Jose Sharks on April 18, 2024, at the Scotiabank Saddledome in Calgary, AB. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: why are we still here? just to suffer? Brett Holmes/Getty Images

[Figure 3 image description: Devin Cooley holding his pet bunny, Tito. Tito is wearing a Calgary Flames t-shirt. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3: and then he went off to the Flames in free agency. xoxo Tito Cooley/IG

Last updated: 2024 Jun 1

Slide 5: Vítek Vaněček #41

[Slide 5 transcript start.]

Vítek Vaněček #41 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

puckpocketed: CAN WE CALL HIM VIVI? Pleading emoji .

Received from Kaapo Kähkönen trade

Goalie

2nd round draft pick by Caps in 2014, 39th overall

Claimed by Kraken expansion draft 2021 Jul 21

Traded back to Washington 2021 Jul 28

Traded to Devs 2022 Jul 8

Expected to be part of a goalie tandem with Mackenzie Blackwood in the 22-23 season until Mackblack’s injury woes)

Traded to Sharks 2024 Mar 8 after flopping really hard this season with the Devils. Yet another one of GMMG’s reclamation projects! Welcome to the San Jose goalie rehab machine (aka. Thomas Speer!

Injured—expected to be ready to play at the start of next season

Assorted good vibes guy testimony:

"In the morning, he's the first guy who just starts talking and, you know, kind of doesn't stop. But it's great. Vitek's always smiling. If you're having a bad day, you walk in here and he makes your day better." —glowing review from Akira Schmid, Devils goalie partner from this season

In January with the Devils, he tackled teammate Tyler Toffoli (oensible: who has also made his way to the Sharks this offseason! GMMG is slowly but surely transplanting the New Jersey Devils hockey team to San Jose) to the ice to celebrate Toffoli’s hatty <3

(oensible: sorry i can’t embed the video on the slide; gslides only embeds YT videos :()

Mackblack stamp of approval. Seen in deep conversation about goaltending after a game when they played in NJ together

puckpocketed: Mackblack’s ex… they’re reunited once more <33 but at what cost

“I don’t want to talk about New Jersey anymore[…] I’m in San Jose now.”

—Vaněček when asked what went wrong for him in New Jersey this season, as quoted by SJHN

oensible: ALL ABOUT THAT TEAL HE KNOWS WHAT’S UP🎉 …we at the Sharks primer *will* be talking about New Jersey though.

Link to his personal website (has little tidbits about his personal life, what is basically his resume, and a gallery)

[Figure 1 image description: Devils' goalie Vítek Vaněček dives to make a save against Blackhawks' skater Tyler Johnson. Figure 1 image description end.]

Fig. 1: everyone’s playing hockey… he’s playing soccer New Jersey Devils

Last updated: 2024 Jul 9

[Slide 5 transcript end.]

Slide 6: Vítek Vaněček #41

[Slide 6 transcript start.]

Vítek Vaněček #41 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Had difficulty with learning English and with feeling like he fit in due to that when he first came to the US to play in the Caps organization

Basically glued to the hip of Czech teammate (Czech-mate) Jakub Vrána on the Hershey Bears, who would help translate for him

Called each other “brothers” in an interview where they kept answering questions the same

AHL All Star in the 2018–19 season

Breakout rookie NHL season in 2020–21: 21-10-4 record, 2.69 GAA, .908 SV%. plus 2 shutouts!

Got a little buried by the goalie depth that the Caps acquired but he got there eventually! (and after aforementioned goalie depth got vaporized by health problems)

6th in Calder Cup voting (23–24 Sharks goalie Kaapo Kähkönen also made the list (T15)! but neither of them stood a chance b/c Kirill Kaprizov was busy blowing everyone out of the water that year <3)

The poor man proceeds to tear his hamstring, ending his season 13 mins into his 1st playoffs game

Claimed in the Seattle Kraken expansion draft during the 2021 offseason. Everyone got really sad about it and then 1 week later Seattle traded him right back to the Caps

The man hadn’t even come back to the US from his trip back home to Czechia yet <3 literally nothing happened, net change 0 except a for a 2nd round 2023 pick the Caps sent to the Kraken in the trade (which will eventually be used to pick Carson Rehkopf, who signed with the Kraken in 2024!)

Seattle made a tribute video for him (it’s literally just of his name showing up on their expansion draft board) on Twitter when the Caps played the Kraken for the first time

Alright sophomore regular season: 20-12-6 record, 2.67 GAA, .908 SV%. 4 shutouts!

Statistically, slightly edging out Ilya Samsonov for the Caps’ number 1 goalie spot

Tied for 12th in high danger save% amongst goalies with 500+ minutes played

He follows this up by flopping in the playoffs <3. 7 goals allowed out of 3.6 expected 

[Figure 1 image description: Off the ice – The “brothers” (Jakub Vrána and Vítek Vaněček) celebrate Vitek’s first win of the season. Figure 1 image description end.]

Fig. 1: celly with Jakub Vrána after his first win of the 2016–17 Hershey Bears season Julie Beidler

[Figure 2 image description: Nov 21, 2021; Seattle, Washington, USA; Washington Capitals goalkeeper Vítek Vaněček (41) smothers the puck in front of Seattle Kraken defenseman Jamie Oleksiak during the first period at Climate Pledge Arena. Figure 2 image description end.]

Fig. 2: good heavens what is his bare, blocker-less paw doing scrabbling about on the ice! oh the humanity!  Stephen Brashear-USA TODAY Sports

Last updated: 2024 Jul 10

[Slide 6 transcript end.]

Slide 7: Vítek Vaněček #41

[Slide 7 transcript start.]

Vítek Vaněček #41 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Gets traded (for realsies, no takesy-backsies this time) to the New Jersey Devils, a team struggling with goaltending due to injuries and Mackblack gliding into his flop era

To quote Devils beat writer, Shayna Goldman: “the bar is literally on the floor in New Jersey”. Godspeed, Devils fans and goalies! godspeed

Stellar 2022–23 regular season as the Devils’ number 1 goalie!

Originally supposed to be in a tandem with Mackblack but. well. the aforementioned injuries and flop era (see Mackblack’s slides for the details)

By December, (with the help of a strong defense!) he’s got 11 wins out of 13 starts, his expected goals against drops from 78 to 23, his goals saved above avg goes from 0.9 to 6.3, and he’s eating shorthanded chances like breakfast. Statistically among the elite

At one point starts referring to himself in the 3rd person to the media

Struggled a little in early March.There’s a span of 5 starts where his SV% dips to .898 and he stops 5.2 fewer goals than expected, but the team still won 3 of those games so it’s not too bad. (He also faces off against ex-goalie-partner Samsonov during this time, who confirms they are in fact still friends <3)

Ends the season w/ a 33-11-4 record, 2.45 GAA, and .911 SV%, becoming the 2nd goalie in team history to win 30+ games in a season!

And then he proceeds to get steamrolled in the postseason again

-7.7 goals saved above expected (2nd worst in the playoffs).

.825 SV% (4th worst, and worst if we only count goalies that played more than 2 postseason games).

To his merit, he did also have the lowest % of SOG attempts blocked by teammates. Nevertheless. Not very good overall (stats from MoneyPuck)

[Figure 1 image description: Youtube thumbnail of Vítek Vaněček doing an interview in the Devils' locker room. Figure 1 image description end.]

Fig. 1: get to know him in this short interview!

[Figure 2 image description: Youtube thumbnail of Vítek Vaněček's pregame warmups edited so that it looks like he's a hibachi chef. Figure 2 image description end.]

Fig. 2: here’s a video of his pregame routine that was edited so that he’s a hibachi chef 🍤

[Figure 3 image description: Thumbnail of Youtube video from Vítek Vaněček and Devils reporter Amanda Stein at the Devils' Sweep the Deck event. Figure 3 image description end.]

Fig. 3: (left) getting up to some shenanigans at the Devils’ Sweep the Deck event

Last updated: 2024 Jul 10

[Slide 7 transcript end.]

Slide 8: Vítek Vaněček #41

[Slide 8 transcript start.]

Vítek Vaněček #41 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Going into the 23–24 season, the Devils stick with him and Akira Schmid in net—the latter is last year’s up and coming rookie who’s looking like the hot new thing in town.

Despite his lackluster postseason, he still has GM Tom Fitzgerald’s vote of confidence, who trusts his drop-off is simply growing pains of being a no.1 goalie for the first time. Vaněček gets to work with the Devils’ sports psychologist, Marian Jelinek, to improve his mental fortitude for the playoffs

If Vaněček is proven solid for at least the regular season, and if Schmid can maintain his rookie year performance (particularly that gorgeous series 1 against the Rangers), then surely the Devils can put their goaltending turbulence to rest!

[Figure 1 image description: MoneyPuck table showing that in the 2023–24 season, Devs goalie Akira Schmid ranked 68th in the league with -3.0 goals saved above expected in 19 games played out of 98 goalies that played at least 1 NHL game. Vaněček ranked 95th with -11.2 in 32 games played. Figure 1 image description end.]

Fig. 1: Out of 98 goalies that played at least 1 NHL game this season. If we narrow it down to goalies with at least 10 games, they are 51 and 70 out of 73. Uh oh! MoneyPuck

yeah it’s not great

Vaněček SV% drops from .911 to .890, a -2.4% difference that is the 6th worst among goalies with over 32 games as a Devil in the salary cap era. The defense did have their own road bumps this season, but Vaněček wasn’t really helping them out either

Season-ending injury in their Feb 10 OT loss against the Canes in what THN says is “arguably his best performance of the season” (saved 31 out of 32 shots)

Schmid also struggled and mostly played in the AHL this season (Nico Daws was the backup to Vaněček). Schmid is also now a Vegas Golden Girl so I trust in the Vegas reclamation project grindset for him 🙏

[Figure 2 image description: Youtube thumbnail of Vaněček airborne as he dives back to his net from the top of the crease to make a save, more similar to a soccer goalie than a hockey goalie. Figure 2 image description end.]

Fig. 2: here’s the footage of that save from the first slide, btw. he ROBBED that man

 “…Vanecek’s current season has seen a worse drop in save percentage than any of the individual seasons by Mackenzie Blackwood. This man [Blackwood] had ankle issues, other injuries, a refusal to take a shot [COVID vaccine], and saw his job taken away by Vanecek and Schmid last season… Yet, none of [his] season-over-season save percentage differences were lower than -1.3%. And Blackwood’s overall save percentage has remained above 89% - even now on a really terrible San Jose team. That is correct: Blackwood has been outplaying Vanecek this season.” —Mackblack catching strays as John Fischer drags Vaněček for All About The Jersey on 2024, Feb 9

Last updated: 2024 Jul 10

[Slide 8 transcript end.]

Slide 9: Vítek Vaněček #41

[Slide 9 transcript start.]

Vítek Vaněček #41 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

The Devils traded him to the Sharks at the deadline for Kähkönen (More on Kähkönen’s end of the trade in the goalies slide.)

He has friends from the Devils here to help him settle in: Mackblack, of course, as well as Fabian Zetterlund who played with him in the Devils’ 22–23 season. He says that they helped him out by showing him around the city and driving him around :)

Fingers crossed that last season was more of a fluke rather than the trajectory of his career considering how decently he’s played in the NHL before that. At least those playoffs performance issues are not a concern yet for this team <3

Both him and Blackwood are going to be UFAs at the end of next season so it’s possible at least one of them is getting traded (à la Kähkönen in the very trade that brought Vaněček to the Sharks)

A Blue Seat Blogs article by Justin Rutherford analyzing his goaltending right before the 2023 playoffs remarked that he has a structural disadvantage in the forward-leaning balance of his stance; moves a lot and relies on his athleticism and reflexes, sometimes at the expense of maintaining good positioning; and wanders a little farther out from the net than most; concluding that although he has consistent stats, he has “suspect technical foundation”.

Reading this article made me so delighted because Kaapo Käkhönen was also a wanderer (see his slides for the details) and Thomas Speer allegedly worked some magic to rebuild his game from the foundation to bring him into form for this season. If Speer could do for Vaněček what he did for Kähkönen this season…! Make him into a goalie that can withstand a season of Sharks hockey…!

Truly, there is nothing GMMG loves more than dropping reclamation projects into lap of his coaching staff and going “here fix this”

[Figure 1 image description: The Devils' Dougie Hamilton (#7) celebrating scoring a goal by skating to the bench with arms outstretched. Backup goalie Vítek Vaněček (#41) is cheering with his arms raised and his mouth open in a shout on the bench. Figure 1 image description end.]

Fig. 1: (left) celebrating Dougie Hamilton’s goal from the bench <3 The Devs’ Twitter post is captioned “When you give your bud a frenches braces and he ties the game.” ← reference to this video of him handing out friendship bracelets to various Devs players <3

[Figure 2 image description: Vítek Vaněček in the middle of a group of Devils skaters celebrating a win on the ice. Figure 2 image description end.]

Fig. 2: Captioned “Always hug your Vitek.” Twitter

Last updated: 2024 Jul 10

[Slide 9 transcript end.]

Slide 10: Vítek Vaněček #41

[Slide 10 transcript start.]

“Always hug your Vítek” slide [NOTE: Larger title text.]

aka the Devils social media team posted a lovingly edited goodbye video captioned “@SanJoseSharks, please remember to always hug your Vitek”, so here is the standard that the Sharks have to step up to

[Figure 1 image description: Two pictures. First is the Devils' Erik Haula (#56) and Vítek Vaněček (#41) hugging to celebrate a win. Haula has taken off a glove so that his bare hand is cradling the back of Vaněček's head. Second is the Devils' Jonas Siegenthaler (#71) embracing Vítek Vaněček (#41) to celebrate a win. Some players in the goalie hug line are to the right of them. Figure 1 image description end.]

Fig. 1: (above) celebrating his first win as a Devil Twitter

[Figure 2 image description: Ondřej Palát (#18) embracing Vítek Vaněček (#41) to celebrate a win. Figure 2 image description end.]

Fig. 2: celly with Ondřej Palát Twitter

[Figure 3 image description: Dougie Hamilton (#7) embracing Vítek Vaněček (#41) to celebrate a win. Figure 3 image description end.]

Fig. 3: (left) celly w/ Dougie Hamilton Twitter

[Figure 4 image description: Curtis Lazar (#42) embracing Vítek Vaněček (#41) to celebrate a win. Figure 4 image description end.]

Fig. 4: (right) celly w/ Curtis Lazar Instagram

Last updated: 2024 Jul 10

Slide 3: Klim Kostin #10

[Slide 3 transcript start.]

Klim Kostin #10 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Received from Radim Šimek (AHL) trade

Center (but this article says he plays both wings. sharks hockey is the future of positionless hockey so it’s fine anyways <3)

KLIM SHADY (seen on twitter??)

6’4” and 232 lb: ALL PART OF THE GMMG BIG BOYS PLAN

1st round draft pick by Blues in 2017, 31st overall

Traded to Oilers 2022 Oct 9

Traded to Red Wings 2023 Jun 29

Traded to Sharks 2024 Mar 8

Had asked to be traded—wanted more ice time

And BOY are the Sharks good at delivering

Apparently has problems producing BUT THAT’S ALRIGHT he’ll fit right in

Mar 17 update: played on our top line against Chicago. please compare the games played and the points scored. and also the time on ice per game. GIVE HIM THE WHEEL I BELIEVE IN HIM!!!

neonfretra: Sned help im endeared to him already

puckpocketed: Such is the nature of primer devil. 

oensible: A 1ST ROUNDER YOU SAY!!! And he’s coming to the SHARKS of all places!!! Us primer girlies (gn) and also GMMG I guess smell failwife project blood in the water

Mar. 12 | SJS @ PHI: gets his first power play point!

Again, if we get a new guy you just KNOW you’re seein him on the special teams unit

Mar. 14 | SJS @ PIT: gets his first goal as a Shark!

“So what happened in Detroit? Kostin didn’t want to say much about it, deferring to the coaches there. ‘They might be just expecting some other game from me that I never played before? I don’t know,’ he said.” —Klim Kostin for San Jose Hockey Now

[Figure 1 image description: Table of Klim Kostin's season stats from his NHL profile page. In 2023–24 during his Detroit Red Wings stint, he played 33 games, scored 4 points (3 goals 1 assist), and averaged 8:42 time on ice per game. In the 5 games he played with the Sharks up to March 17, he scored 4 points (2 goals 2 assists), and averaged 12:41 time on ice per game. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: screenshotted from his NHL profile page. LOOK AT HIM GO!!

puckpocketed: I dont have tik tok someone help. Wheres the video where he’s like “i dont speak english” in very good english . I FOUND IT <3 

[Figure 2 image description: Youtube thumbnail of Klim Kostin walking into practice for the Red Wings. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: deeply charmed by him

Last updated: 2024 Mar 17

[Slide 3 transcript end.]

Slide 4: Klim Kostin #10

[Slide 4 transcript start.]

Klim Kostin #10 [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Received from Radim Šimek (AHL) trade

Currently on our first line (recently got supplanted by Ekky for the full Lund Line while he’s out sick though, so we’ll see)

Edit: Apr 15 ok yeah DQ is NOT going back from the Lund line.

Not gonna lie he’s been taking undisciplined penalties/dangerous plays over a few of his last games so that is one thing that I would like to see less of in the future. DQ has been temporarily demoting him accordingly

He is like a big dog that is fully aware of how big he is and will use his size to nefarious ends (crimes that put him in the penalty box!!)

DQ likes his playmaking and physicality so if all goes well I think we’re gonna be seeing more of this guy in the next (and last!) season of his current contract (2M USD AAV)

Postseason edit: DQ is gone now <3 we’ll see what Warsofsky thinks of him instead!

[Figure 1 image description: Table of Klim Kostin's season stats from his NHL profile page. In 2023–24 during his Detroit Red Wings stint, he played 33 games, scored 4 points (3 goals 1 assist), and averaged 8:42 time on ice per game. In the 14 games he played with the Sharks up to March 17, he scored 9 points (5 goals 4 assists), and averaged 14:33 time on ice per game. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: screenshotted from his NHL profile page, update as of Apr 9 from last slide.

[Figure 2 image description: Youtube thumbnail of Kostin during a postgame media availability. Figure 2 image description end.] Fig. 2: (above) charmed by his media answers. –“What did you see there [on your goal]” –“puck”

[Figure 3 image description: Klim Kostin during pregame skate in a Cali-Fin jersey and gear. Figure 3 image description end.] Fig. 3: (left) from his first game as a Shark Twitter

“‘I just feel alive again and enjoying hockey with the Sharks and just want to pay back for the coaching [staff’s] trust[.]’ Alive? Kostin smiled and said a single magic word, ‘Ice-time.’” —Klim Kostin for SJHN, Apr 2nd

Last updated: 2024 Apr 15

Slide 1: Trade deadline acquisitions overview

[Slide 1 transcript start.]

2023-24 Trade Deadline Acquisitions [NOTE: Larger title text.]

Jack Thompson #26

David Edstrom #21 (traded)

Klim Kostin #10

Vítek Vaněček #41

Devin Cooley #1

Georgi Romanov #31 is also here (he’s not new, this order of slides just makes the most sense narratively with the way we did the goalie slides, you’ll see)

Last updated: 2024 Aug 24

[Slide 1 transcript end.]

Slide 2: Jack Thompson #26 and David Edstrom #21

[Slide 2 transcript start.]

Jack Thompson #26

puckpocketed: He’s OUR JT. our justin timblercake. <3

Received from Anthony Duclair trade, so not *quite* the trade deadline but it’s close enough it may as well be

Defense

3rd round draft pick by Lightning in 2020, 93rd overall

Noted tiny guy (5’10)

TBL @ BOS | 2024 Jan. 6: made his NHL debut! It goes. Um. 3-7.

Represented the Syracuse Crunch in the 2024 AHL ASG

At time of AHL, tied for 7th in AHL with 28 points

Leads in assists and shots in 

Traded to Sharks 2024 Mar 7

Called up to the Sharks for the two Cuda tryout games at the end of the season (that’s probably what those were to be honest)

They played him against Connor McDavid on his first shift with the Sharks. Throwing him into the deep end, with gusto!

puckpocketed: unfathomable cruelties at the tank !

[Figure 1 image description: Thumbnail of Locked On Sharks episode about Jack Thompson. Figure 1 image description end.] Fig. 1: Locked On Sharks interview with JT

David Edstrom #21

Received from Tomáš Hertl trade

Center

Drafted 1st round by VGK in 2023, 32nd overall

Traded to Sharks 2024 Mar 8

Currently with Frölunda (SHL)

Said at the 2024 prospect scrimmage that he’s planning to develop in the SHL for another year, focus on improving his skating and being stronger and more creative on the puck

oensible: (I’m cheating a little by using 2024–25 season material but I procrastinated too long anyways <3 he’s also friends with Sahlin Wallenius, one of the Sharks’ draftees this year)

Projected middle-6 forward <3 woohoo

Referred to as a “snowplow” by THW for doing the hard work needed to set up his teammates

[Figure 2 image description: Thumbnail of Edstrom being interviewed at his drafting. Figure 2 image description end.] This video can’t be watched in Gslides but if you click on it anyways it gives you a link to youtube → Fig. 2: Las Vegas draft interview with Edstrom

Last updated: 2024 Jul 7