everything's a muse

The long pause

The empty space

My role in this life is a space holder

I hold space for the next in line

I am the pause before the consideration

A small mark on a page in someone’s book

Over used and under appreciated

so the sting of the words you just read will disappear

Wash your typing fingers off while your at it

A demon with a pen

My words like razors cut deep and penetrate your weary eyes

Waking you from a trance

Truth makes you crazy

Tired of faking the dream

You scream

With that mouth that should be washed with bleach

Your sharp tongue with it’s nonsensical hate mail

Wash your ego in a tide pool of lye then bury it deep in the ground

No one watches like those who wish to find fault

How many hours did we kiss that first night before tearing each other's clothes off and utilizing every surface of the dining room?

I remember how your lips matched mine how our tongues danced and how I held your face with both hands.

Anaïs nin once said, "we write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect".

I taste life in retrospect each day you aren't beside me. I hold memories of complete entanglement of limbs.

Being near you meant there was no way we wouldn't be touching in some subtle or grand way.

The force of "us" was so powerful it was surprising...especially to us. How did we contort our bodies in such random ways and still fit so perfectly?

How could I be so close to you and still not feel close enough? How was I able to breathe with my face smashed against your chest? I suppose you were my breath and I was yours.

We could only go a month at the most without contact and even friendly gestures led to cuddles, tangled up in each other so tightly wound with never enough minutes to satiate our desire to be held by the other.

Kissing led to lovemaking so powerful and wild. We'd end up in every room not knowing how or when we arrived or departed until hours later as we landed in a heap holding one another and discovering our location.

Unable to retrace our path only knowing we migrated up flights of stairs in & out of showers, on and off of beds and surfaces all the while completely connected.

Both of us knowing no other human on this planet could cause that kind of blissed out soul fucking.

with my hands, by fork, spoon, mouth... I want to 

N

O

U

R

I

S

H

your body, your soul

I want to 

feed

you with my thoughts, desires, wants, needs

I want to feed you... fill you up then drink you in 

When you are properly nourished 

I 

am

I can’t seem to wake up this week…

 I sleep through 4 alarms and drag myself out of bed with googley eyes

Dizzy

Unfocused

My dog stays cozy in her spot

Also unable to wake from dreams

I stand up

Put my slippers on

Take them off

Stretch

I do 50 crunches in my underwear

I do 50 jumping jacks also in my underwear

I stretch again

I do 50 squats sumo and regular

I don’t do the rest of my routine I’ll start over tonight

I’m just trying to wake up

I can’t shower

It’s way too late for that

I put on a hat and a cute sweater

I wash my face and brush my teeth

I stumble to put my boots on and walk the pup

She’s awake now

I throw snowballs

She’s so happy she drools

We go inside and I feed her

I leave the house to sit under fluorescent lights for 8 hours

I write poetry because I have the time to do so

This is not poetry

This is an account of my morning

My boss asks “what are you listening to? It’s awful”!

I say, “you wouldn’t understand”

I’m listening to the Dresden Dolls

A band I forgot about until this morning when I was searching my brain for a toy-like sound to choreograph to… I found it. 

Coin-operated boy

I feel like a mechanical girl today

Wind me up

Put me to task

I’m still asleep lucid day walking

Ice shrouds tree limbs frozen fingers stuck in time

A crow flies through the sun and over my head

A rhythmic crunch and squeak beneath my feet

I spill my coffee and fall through a hole

I squeeze honey onto a spoon

mesmerized by the sweet golden ribbon

I place it to my mouth with intention

it attaches to the buds on my tongue

I traced the moon a thousand times with my finger

I wrote poetry in my mind

I woke from a bad dream and felt the cool air against my chin

I laughed out loud as I peered through lit windows in the night 

I rested my head upon my own chest tonight and said I love you to the reflection as I brushed my teeth

I kissed my dog on the lips and nose as she nuzzled into me

I am happy even though I cried from my guts today 

He holds my hand as he sleeps

His heart beats too many rhythms to play at once

He identifies with the lyrics written by brothers from another life

His eyes are veils to a hidden world that I may never know

I love every beat, every secret, every hidden world, every treasure that he displays with shyness and surprise to himself when he reveals such gems

I love the long pause, the right words, the consideration, the hours he takes to better himself, the sleepy smile, the only child

Defiance is his nature I’m not sure he knows why but it’s underlying and obvious depending on circumstance

He does not defy my body he gives his to me openly with wild moans and groping hands

His mouth searches for mine eyes open eyes closed he lets go

I look to the sky and see hearts in the clouds I walk the path and see hearts in the rocks I trip on the moon as it pokes me in the eye to wake up and look at my lover

I trace his lines with my kisses I memorize his body with my lips I hold his heart with both hands pressed against his chest

He is not mine he will never be mine

He will only stay until he leaves

He will only give so much and keep the rest

He loves the way he loves and I cannot entice him to love any other way

nor do I want to

He searches for me in his dreams

He weaves me into his future

He says I drink all the tequila

He likes when my lips sparkle

He likes to hear me say I love you

but rarely says it first

He likes when I dance

He likes when I visit him after a long conversation

He waits until the end of the day to get outside

He writes songs and forgets them

He plays to remember

He’s a dreamer and a doer

He needs the ocean to feel alive

He needs the mountains when the air turns balmy and hot

His hawk surfs the skies above him his coyote laughs

He drops in

He connects

He sees

He remembers

He is magic

He holds my hand as he sleeps 

I have been in love a thousand times and cannot count the ones who have loved me from a distance but only smile as I pass them on the street.

I am love.

I dip my fingers into the untouched trenches of strangers’ hearts and lick them with delight devouring each sweet morsel they share with me during daily conversation.

I hold those morsels and keep them in tiny treasure boxes in my mind I want to explore every person I see wondering what I will discover

Naturally they open themselves to me and let it all out, the good, the bad, and the ugly… oh I’ve heard so much ugly but they usually leave with a smile feeling better that they shared

My love is so big, so deep, so overwhelming I cannot help but fall in love every single day with LIFE with the amazing world surrounding us, with the stories that each person holds within them. 

Today I fell in love with an accountant, a guitar maker, a new mom, a dog owner, a newly engaged man, a grandmother, a jewelry maker, a dancer, a three year old, a musician (I fall in love with him every day at least 1000 times), 2 dogs, and a little girl with pink hair.    

I am love.

 I am wonderstruck. I have wanderlust. I have lust.  I have heart.  I am gentle. I am brave. I am loyal to my tribe.

My heart belongs to the world so whoever loves me back has to understand that I will cry when I see someone else crying. I will reach out when someone needs me. I will extend myself too far sometimes. If you are the one I’m devoted to then I will love you bigger than the 1000 loves, I will hold you tighter than you’ve ever been held and I will show you every single day that I choose you.  I am able to do this because I LOVE freely, I love unconditionally, and I love solid. 

I am love.

Let me dip my fingers into your tender past and taste the grit let me place both arms around you and press your heart against my own so we can dance to our combined rhythm let me love you.

I am love. 

                                                                                                                                                                                      10.16.2014

so, I took on this 30 day challenge to eat "plant based" for one month... today I'm happy to say that I'm still alive on day 5 and I have only had one quasi-tough day, the first day... and it wasn't even until the end of the day when I went to watch some live music in the park and my friend brought the super yummy, melt in your mouth kind of chips along with queso... omg... queso is one of my all time ultimate weaknesses... and there it was sitting in front of me to look at and smell and drool over... but then I told him that I was going vegan for a month and like a total gentleman he put the lid on it and put it away so I wouldn't have to drool over it.