Shampoo 6 in 1

istg i just saw this flag for Schrödinger's headspace, as in a headspace that kinda exists but also kinda doesn't?? and holy shit it fits us so well. i’ve been struggling so much trying to figure out how to even explain this lol.like, we DO have a headspace, i even have my own room there, but at the same time i’ve literally never actually been there. i can see my alters there, i’ve run around, jumped, fallen, and slept there, but i've still never been there. i'm always anchored to the body, i can never fully immerse myself. honestly, it sucks so bad and makes me so sad, i’ve tried so many times to just go there and hang out, but it never works. it's just so complicated, ugh.

When a few different doctors diagnosed me with depression, I just thought they didn't want to bother dealing with me, so they blamed everything on depression. Personally, I didn't feel that way at all. They prescribed me antidepressants, but every single one had side effects that were completely incompatible with daily life, so I kept quitting them time after time. But now, when I'm literally rotting away mentally, I finally understand what they were talking about. It's just that I can't seem to pull myself out of this hole.

I like keeping an eye on other systems, I like listening to them, I like reading books and feeling like we’re not alone, like we’re not crazy, like we haven’t lost our minds, like everything’s okay - or at least as okay as it can be.

Honestly, I feel more complete having alters. And no, I’m not trying to romanticize it or anything - I just noticed that somehow… it feels good to have different parts inside me?

At the same time, it scares me when I think like, “wait… is this really forever?..” But right now, while I’m still a teenager, it doesn’t feel that terrifying. Most of my alters are teenagers too, more or less (though I still think there’s probably a child somewhere in the system and we just haven’t found them yet), so it’s not causing huge problems for us right now.

I don’t know… maybe this is my superpower, okay? There have to be some positives to it.

We’ve got these twin girls, both 14, though honestly they look like they’re 9.

One of them got called yesterday. I went into her room in headspace - dead silence. So I decided to check her sister’s space instead, even though I’m very much not welcome there.

Inside it was just chaos. Crying, sniffling, noise everywhere. Haven’t seen shit like that in a long time.

I tried asking what the fuck was going on, but the one who got called was just whining and crying while the other one was trying to kick her out.

They snapped at me, threw a pillow at me, and when I said I was about to go get another alter involved - one neither of them likes - they slammed the door in my face.

Not like I desperately wanna figure out whatever the hell they’ve got going on, but I’m kinda the older one, the “main” one, all that shit.

Plus I was bored.

i won’t say my name, just that i’m 16 and in college. i most likely have DID - i’m seeing a doctor and will probably be admitted to a psych ward soon. my girlfriend is 18, we’ve been together for almost a year. she might have DID too, though i can’t rule out schizophrenia since it can look similar.

our life is basically a constant circus, but most of the chaos usually happens on her side. a lot has gone down, and more than once i thought everything was about to collapse because of some new alter, but somehow we always managed to get through it - or things just resolved on their own.

but now i’m almost sure my story with her is about to end. and it’s because of another new one.

something happened to her around mid-march - nothing unusual for our situation. after that she became calmer, more restrained. it felt like things were finally getting better for us. everything was stable, genuinely good. that “good” lasted exactly ten days. it was perfect, nothing to complain about. and then she texts me asking who i had been hanging out with.

turns out she blacked out back in mid-march, and all that time i had been talking to someone else without even realizing it. everything was perfect - every tiny detail. it pretended to be the person i love most so well that even other system members didn’t notice the switch.

at first it seemed like we dealt with it and that it wouldn’t be able to pretend anymore. but one day i decided i wanted to talk to it myself. i wanted to understand how it played the role so perfectly, how it knew all those little details, what its plan was, where that sense of duty came from. it didn’t tell me anything. instead, it sent a long message saying that if it kept being pressured or cornered, it would start pretending in a way i’d never be able to detect again - and then make sure i wouldn’t hear from them for months.

different parts of the person i love keep trying to push me away, and it’s terrifying.

now i can’t trust any of them. i just can’t. i don’t know if i’m actually talking to someone i love or if it’s that same two-faced asshole again. i keep staring into their eyes, watching every blink. it’s exhausting. it’s messing with my head. i don’t even know who i’m on a call with right now.

After the first session I was honestly thrilled. But yesterday was the second one, and afterward I could barely stand. She suddenly started pushing for fusion, presenting it like it’s just some kind of co-front that we’re supposed to want. Then later she brought up electroshock therapy.

Sorry, but what the actual fuck?

There was no conversation about me wanting to get rid of anyone or anyone being dangerous. Yeah, we’ve got a couple of kind of useless parts, but I can’t say I want them gone - they’re kids.