ahoy!

𝙷𝙴𝚈!  𝙳𝙸𝙲𝙺𝙷𝙴𝙰𝙳𝚂!

because my friends muses need therapy. will they get it? absolutely not. 

AVOIDING THE TERRIFYING ORDEAL OF BEING KNOWN:  

“  yeah i’m pissed off but i’d rather not talk about it.  that’s why you’re the one i came to.  ”

“  i’m not looking for a friend.  i’m looking for someone just as angry as i am.  ”

“  i’m not good at caring about people’s shit on purpose.  ”

“  i’m not gonna ask if ‘you’re okay’ cause that’s fuckin’ annoying.  you wanna get the hell out of here and do something?  ”  

 “  i don’t wanna talk about it. you got a beer?  ”  

“  upset?  why would i be upset?  ”

“  so you wanna go find something to break?  ”  

“  hey you want me to kill that guy for you?  ”

“  i just need to get this shit done.  and i trust you to help me do that.  ”  

“  you’re hot.  and i’m bored.  ”  

“  can we just have some meaningless sex we can both pretend didn’t happen tomorrow morning?  ”

“  i can think of at least a dozen people that need killing.  or a light beating.  will that cheer you up?  ”

“  i’ve a got job and i think you’d be the perfect fit.  so you in?  ”

“  yeah i don’t do the whole crying thing.  give me something to stab and i’ll be good in a day or two.  ”

“  i banged it out and now i feel great.  next question.  ”

“  if i think about it,  i get angry.  and i don’t know where that anger stops.  so i’d rather not start at all.  ”

VARIOUS SENTENCES WITH ABSOLUTELY NO DEPTH U COWARDS: 

“  if you’re gonna stay here you can’t be sober so either take the fruity beer or the shitty wine or let me be vibe in peace.  ”

“  how much insect essence do you think are in every square inch of chocolate? like just how many cockroach guts have i consumed with my hershey’s? ” 

“  you should’ve seen the look on their face.  it’s been so long since i’ve made someone that fuckin’ angry it was great.  ” 

“  i have this neighbor who keeps playing driver’s license at 10 a.m. every morning and i’m starting to question if it’s a sixteen year old getting over a breakup or a 36 year old trying to reclaim their childhood. at this point the mystery is the only thing keeping me going.  ”

“  do i trust you?  absolutely not.  next question.  ”

“  if i don’t get a nap in the next hour i’ll probably murder someone.  ”

“  you’re getting that look in your eyes like you’re about to ask me what’s wrong so i’m gonna save us both the awkwardness of finding an excuse to leave and just go now.  ”

“  i’m here to raid your fridge cause my date went really bad and all i’ve had is lukewarm water and breadsticks.  ”

“  i’m making a fake tinder profile to see how gullible guys are, wanna help?  ”   

“  hey i got something for you look!  ”   *holds up middle finger* 

U MIGHT GET PUNCHED: 

“  why are you really here?  ”

“  i’m not leaving until you tell me what the fuck is going on.  ”

“  you can’t solve every problem with your fists.  ”  

“  i’m not here to talk about me.  what the hell is going on with you?  ”

“  you think i don’t notice but i do.  i can tell something’s wrong.  ”   

“  i can see beneath your smile.  ”

“  why won’t you just tell me the truth?  ”

“  what are you hiding? and don’t you dare try to lie to me. ”

“  what the hell did you do?  ”

"Someone smells like they need a change!"

"I think I might have gotten three hours of sleep."

"Have you seen the baby blanket?"

"You look exhausted."

"Is the baby seat in your car or mine?"

"They're finally asleep."

"Can you take the baby for a little while?"

"Are you making that smell or am I?"

"Laundry again?"

"Excuse me while I pass out on the floor."

"Can you take out the trash?"

"Baby spit up on the dog again."

"You want to go out for dinner? Are you insane?"

"Are there any bottles made up?"

"Did you grab any diapers?"

"How many bags do we need?"

"Shh! Baby's been sleeping for a while now."

"Can I borrow a shirt?"

"Playpen, stroller, high chair, diaper bag, cooler, floor bumpers, eating mat... I think we're ready to go visiting!"

"Did you remember the baby?"

"I had to tell a lady in the grocery store not to stick her head in the carrier."

two lovely nonnies requested these and i hope they find them well!! some of these are general, others are a tiny bit more specific, they're very angry and aggressive and conflict-based so i hope they work out! bon appetit!

" you've got some nerve... "

" how dare you! "

" get the hell away from me! "

" what did you just say? "

" how could you say/do/think that?! "

" no. no way. not happening. "

" we're not having this conversation! "

" that's not a good enough explanation! "

" god, why does it always have to be a fight with you?! "

" get out! "

" get away from me! "

" god, i can't believe you... "

" what were you thinking?! "

" i hate you. "

" wait a minute, you're blaming me?! "

" well, of course i blame you! "

" none of this would've happened if you had just listened to me! "

" what are you talking about?! "

" god, you're [INSERT INSULTING ADJECTIVE HERE]. "

" i never want to see you again. "

" this is all your fault. "

" you're a monster! "

" what did you do?! "

" what's THAT supposed to mean? "

" you think you're so much better than me, don't you? "

" okay, that's it. what the hell's your problem? "

" you wanna know what your problem is? "

" i'm not talking to you when you're like this. "

" your plan's gonna get us all killed, and you know it. "

" god, you can never admit when you're wrong! "

" i want you to leave. now! "

" you have no idea what i've been through! "

" quit playing the victim card! we've all been through stuff! it doesn't give us a free pass to be an asshole! "

" you hypocrite! "

" you lied to me! "

" this is the part where you apologize. "

" this is the part where you leave. "

" you must think you're god's gift to the world. "